Off the friggin' ying yang

FYI: This blog was written yesterday (Thursday June 24th 2004), but couldn't publish it on time......fell asleep.

Work was cool yesterday. Left about 6pm to Camden Town for a Talib Kweli concert. The Beatnuts were the main support act and Taleb didn’t get on ‘til about 10.30pm but it was worth the wait. Man, that concert was off the ying yang. After about 2 songs some guy brushed past me on his way to the stage. It was frigging Mos Def, y’all! Mos friggin’ Def! Man, those guys on stage together were like Bogart and Bacall. Hey Bobby, what’s French for out-of-this-world chemistry? These guys live to perform. Man, I’m running outta adjectives to describe their performance. Their synergy was palpable. These guys are the real deal. No bling blinging, no I’ve been shot a hundred times and now I wear a bulletproof vest, just plain realness. Mos Def’s got star personality; the guy had the crowd in the palm of his hands. Now I understand why just over 50 years ago a guy with dark hair and a dodgy moustache could convince the Germans about the potential of the Aryan race. The right words in the wrong mouths have the power to captivate and wrongly influence a willing audience. No wonder parents talk about gangsta rappers being bad role models for their kids.

The Portugal v England game just ended. Now that’s what I call football. I thought the Portuguese played better overall and deserved to win the game. Ashley Cole was definitely the best player on the pitch. That’s what u get from a Gunner. Beckham? Abysmal throughout the tourney. He didn’t seem his old self. Same for Luis Figo. Is there something wrong with Real Madrid players? Too much money, maybe. Euro 2004 has been a heckuva tourney so far.

Yeah, did I tell u about the girls I saw when I last went out? Well, what I forgot to say was that I was KINDA involved with one of their friends. I probably saw her last a year ago. Thing is she had a boyfriend then, but I still made the choice to chill with her ‘cos she was fun……at first. I’m telling y’all this so u know what to do if u are in a similar situation. Here’s Tunde’s guide on how to survive a relationship with a girl already in a relationship:

1. Listen carefully. I know u’re thinking, “shouldn’t I always listen carefully to what people say?”, well, in this case, it’s kinda different. Listen carefully to what she says, I tell u! Especially listen carefully to what she says about her boyfriend ‘cos that’s what she’s gonna be like. This girl complained about her boyfriend being possessive, but she was exactly the same. After our first date I caught her checking the stored text messages on my phone. If u bump into some chick and she nags about her boyfriend being a thief go hide ur most prized possessions ‘cos she’s probably gonna steal them.
2. Win-win situation. She’s cheating on her boyfriend with u, so u have the upper hand. She has no right to complain if she sees u talking to another girl. I must warn u that that won’t stop her though.
3. Catch 22. If u begin to develop serious feelings for this girl, then u locked in a Catch 22 state. Do u like her enough to forget the fact that she’s cheating on some other guy, I mean what stops her from doing the same to u also? Or do u believe that u are someone special, the only person she’d ever cheat on her boyfriend with?
4. Self-defence classes. Hey, if u decide to mess with someone else’s girl then expect repercussions. If u don’t mind getting whupped by a bunch of guys then this life is for u. If u do mind however, then u better be a good liar or have multiple personalities.
5. Be ruthless. I once had this girl’s boyfriend call my phone. How did he get my number? I later found out he scanned her phone for recently dialled numbers that he didn’t recognise. The following is an excerpt of the conversation we had:
Girl’s boyfriend (calling from the girl’s phone): “Hello? Sorry, I just saw this number on my phone and can’t remember who this is.”
Me: “Well, maybe u’d delete the number from ur phone then.”
6. Life happens. Call it karma, call it life having a way of biting u in the ass, even sing “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King. What u do to others the same is gonna happen to u. If u can’t deal with this then tough. U can’t go messing around and then get all upset when ur other half does the same.

Okay, now that most of y’all detest me (for being real and telling things the way they are) I think it’s best to call it a night. This is what u get when u ask me to be less jovial.

Go Oranje!!!!!!!

Been a while, huh? Yeah, I've been real busy with work. Okay, okay, I lie. I’ve been watching the footie tourney and that’s basically taken all my time. Did y’all see the Croatia v England game last nite? Rooney’s awesome. Guess I’ll be forced to eat my words now. An amazing talent, that guy is. Apart from Rooney and one or two defenders the other England players haven’t wowed me. Since I’m an honorary Dutch I’m hoping the Oranje surprise me, though I ain’t keeping my hopes up.

Sticking to a sports theme I read the following headline today: Henman in mood to ‘go all the way’. U don’t say, so Tim Henman’s now ready to ‘go all the way’ and win a tennis Grand Slam? And the previous times he’s been playing, he didn’t wanna ‘go all the way’, huh? If I see one more ridiculous sports headline I’ll puke. Some British girl was knocked out of Wimbledon yesterday and the headline read Brave Janes is out. Brave?! She frigging lost a tennis match and that makes her brave?! Honestly, stuff like these drive peeps to commit murder.

Anyways, how have y’all been? The past week hasn’t been at all bad. Did my first service as a steward/usher in church. It was cool – didn’t do nada outrageous like proffer the offering plate and then quickly remove it while laffing my ass off. U know what, I might just be sane after all. Also went on an exquisite date on Friday evening. Went to a bar/restaurants recommended by a friend and since neither my date nor I had been to the place b4 I tried to reassure her that it’d be fun. Told her I don’t go to bars that often and I am not one of those people that frequent a place so much everyone knows their name. (FYI: The theme song to Cheers was playing in the background.) No sooner had the words come outta my mouth that I bumped into 7 girls that I hadn’t seen in ages. While hugging each one I kept apologising to my date that this doesn’t always happen every time I go out. Hopefully, she believed me.

Got home late last night and saw the MTV Movie Awards. Does anyone know who writes the lame ass jokes that presenters read from the teleprompter? Talk about an exercise in ennui. I’ve thought of some ways that stars can avoid embarrassing themselves with their lame ass jokes:

1. Stars should refuse to do ‘em jokes. U are famous, rich, probably good-looking, why do u need a bunch of kids high off their heads to validate u with their “u da mans” and “Demi Moore, u still fine even though u are 50 and u got ur plastic surgeon on speed-dials”. Tell the producers of the award show that u ain’t gonna show up if ur publicist isn’t allowed to read a statement before u appear on stage absolving u of any crap lines u might be asked to deliver. However, if the jokes are funny tell him/her u reserve the right to claim such jokes as ur own.
2. Make the stars pay for their ineptitude. If a star cannot deliver a joke properly, they’d be pelted with stuff ranging from rotten eggs and tomatoes to canned goods. That’d teach them for trying to milk cheap publicity outta a bunch of innocent kids.

Schadenfreude

Julio here. I am buzzing peeps. U know why? The Detroit Pistons beat the LA Lakers to clinch the NBA title. I stayed up ‘til 4am to see this monumental win. Why should y’all care about this, u ask? Well, u reading my blog dammit! Whatever’s of interest to me should be taken seriously by y’all. Sorry, my bad. It’s just that it’s been real sunny over here for the past week and the heat’s getting to me. Too bad I ain’t from the tropics, huh?

Anyways, back to the NBA game. I’m glad the Lakers lost ‘cos of one man: Shaquille O’Neal. Man, I can’t stand that guy. I actually wrestled with this schadenfreude for a while. I mean one shouldn’t rejoice at another’s loss………..or should one? I resolved the issues with my ‘joy’ at Shaq’s loss by the following:

1. It’s sports, dummy. There’s always gonna be a winner and a loser. Besides Shaq’s a sore loser and even worse winner. A few seasons ago when the Lakers beat the Sacramento Kings on their way to the NBA title Shaq gave us this gem during the ring presentation ceremony: “Parents, tell ur kids that Sacramento is no longer the capital of California. That team should be called the Sacramento Queens”. And u expect me to feel bad for that punk?!
2. After Michael Jordan retired for the final time, thankfully, various peeps were asked to give their feelings of Jordan. Shaq said something along the lines of: “Jordan’s hegemonic. Hegemony means supreme, indestructible.” Sure, Shaq. U wanna tell us how many dictionaries and thesauri ya mama bought u on ur last birthday? Puhleese.

Let’s be clear about something, Shaq’s been known to give a lot to charity….at least that’s what his publicist says. Though I did like his song Outstanding his other forays into movies and music are patently laughable. Shaq’s probably the only artiste to have sold less CDs than Latoya Jackson and William Shatner.

Michael Jordan, David Beckham, Tiger Woods; these guys can’t hold a torch to Shaq’s endorsement opportunities. This guy endorses everything from fast food franchises and candy bars to ladies curl rollers and toothpicks. The guy loves eating so much when he hurt his toe some seasons ago he said his podiatrist/nutritionist/’yes yes’ man told him it’d heal faster if he soaked his feet in milk. Yes, MILK!!! U wanna tell me that Shaq doesn’t throw some cookies in his bucket of milk when no one’s watching? No wonder he’s as chunky - pun intended - as he is.

Another celebrity who needs a holiday in outer space is Janet Jackson. She’s what, like 50 years old now? Why then does she still prance around displaying her cleavage like it’s the 8th wonder of the world? Honestly, I believe she probably goes to bed with her wonder bra on. If she requires that much attention why doesn’t she fully expose herself then? Ooops, too late.

One more lady that makes me pull my (facial) hair out is Madonna. Gosh, it’s almost as if this lady was born with a mid-life crisis. That woman’s been reinventing herself since the age of 6 - heard that was when her mom finally weaned her off breast milk. I wonder what advice she’d give to her daughter if she told her: “Mommy dearest, I want to be a singer. I know I sound like a whale on drugs, but I believe if I can run around in my underwear, sleep with as many famous people (male and female) as possible and publish pics of my antics on the internet, no one will care if I’m as talentless as u are.”

Ah men, all this ranting and raving is making me think I might need to tone down on the herb a li’l bit. Just a tad bit. Tot ziens.

Pray for Mr. Wiley's family

Yesterday, I read that one of my fav columnists Ralph Wiley died of heart complications. Times like these make one consider one’s existence and it brings to mind a passage from the Bible I read a few weeks ago: Many seek the ruler’s favour; but every man’s judgment comes from the Lord (Proverbs 29:26). The gist is God decides what goes and what doesn’t; He gives and takes away. Gonna miss Mr. Wiley. Please pray for those he left behind.

Man, don’t really feel like being humorous today, so gonna do what all my ex-girlfriends asked of me most of the time: be serious. Yep, there’s probably a blue moon outside. Hate to admit it but Femi’s wedding did get me thinking about marriage. Always told anyone who would listen that even though I mightn’t be a not-so-great boyfriend I’ll make a great husband. Paradox, u say? Well, that’s the story of my life mate. I’ll get to that later….or maybe some other time.

First, let me tell u about some stuff that made me laugh. Two nights ago, this girl told me about some guy who just started dating her friend. “He’s so romantic”, she said. “U should have seen the card he sent to my friend. The card was blank, and in it he wrote out their wedding invitation. Isn’t that just precious?” After wrenching my guts out and throwing them outta window she gave me time to relax b4 saying: “He really does care about her and has no ulterior motives”. Uh-huh, and J-Lo’s the greatest singer known to mankind. The sooner peeps realise stuff the better for all. I’d have mucha respect for this Leonardo DiCaprio wanna-be if he made his intentions known to the girl from the very beginning. Okay, okay, y’all must think I am hating on Leo-liar a bit 2 much. Maybe it’s ‘cos at various times in my life I’ve had to pay for the actions of similar Leo-crapos. In all honesty it’s not really Leo-tard’s fault; I blame the chicks that actually believe such drivel.

Peep this: I had this girlfriend who was happy with me and I was happy with her. One day she comes up to me and whispers in my ear those words I dread to hear: “so why don’t u cook for me?” This from a girl who loved take-outs as much as I did; this from a girl who couldn’t razzle up a meal out of bread and cheese; this from a girl who thought chickens were reared in supermarkets. As u can imagine I was shocked to hear this. When I put Sherlock Homeboy on the job I found out that she asked that ludicrous question ‘cos one of her close mates had just commenced on a relationship with a guy…….who PRETENDED he loves to cook!

The point is Leo-lite’s actions have a domino effect. A typical Leo-turd does loadsa Cosmopolitan quizzes thereby having the inside track on lying to women. A typical woman listens to what her friends say and secretly wants to outgun them. Why do u think most women get flowers delivered to the jobs, especially on Valentine’s day? Woe is the man that ‘surprises’ a woman with flowers at her home instead. My ex-girlfriend wasn’t bothered about my hitherto latent culinary skills until her mate boasted about “all the dishes her man makes for her”. Since the ‘question’, things just weren’t the same between us anymore. Sad, huh? Yeah, just in case y’all were wondering, yes, I did eventually cook for her. The food was so crap that she spent a week in the hospital and went down 2 dress sizes by the time she was released. Ironically, this action resulted in all her friends trying to get with me. Turns out they all wanted the recipe to my rapid weight loss diet.

My Freudian attempt

Julio here. Alles lekker? Cool. Been crazy busy at work, straddling the pole and performing for my numerous fans. I’m mega-tired – did a performance for a 90 year old lady last nite, that was paid for by her kids – and can’t wait to rest my perky bum on a couch this weekend. Yep, it’s football tourney time again. Euro 2004 kicks off today. While checking out news stories about the tourney I came across one that I’m sure y’all will find interesting.

This doctor (who shall hereon be known as Dr. Quack) stated that high levels of testosterone cause aggressive behaviour in guys, but testosterone levels also rise when men are attracted to women. In order to avoid a repeat of the fracas between English and German fans at Euro 2000 the good doctor suggests that gorgeous girls (in tight outfits) be taken along to watering holes frequented by the English fans in the hope that testosterone will be utilized in a more, erm, positive way. Hilarity ensued among the fellow strippers when I told them of this. Real tired of watching TV and seeing these so-called experts analysing everything from peeps’ signatures to facial expressions. As I’d some time on my hands – my favourite client was having a knee replacement - I decided to study the actions of music stars and here are some of my analyses.

1. 50 Cent: “I am from the streets. I got shot 9 times and I’m still here. I’m a real gangsta. B4 I started rapping I was selling dope on the streets.”
What he really meant to say: “I’m so depressed. I’m so tired of pretending. At night I wear braces for my teeth when I’m sure no one’s looking. I only wear a bulletproof vest ‘cos I love the feel of leather on my skin. I spend half a day in the gym and love to rub oil all over my body. Damn, I ain’t even sure about my sexuality! When I got shot, I cried like a beeaatch. I mean am I supposed to take it like a man when some guy pumps 9 bullets into my arse?”

2. Llyod Banks (from G-Unit): “Yo, Fity Cent and I are well tight. We grew up together and have been thru similar hard times. I’ve been stabbed once and I didn’t spend a night in the hospital afterwards ‘cos I’m hard like that.”
What he really meant to say: “Okay, okay, I didn’t go to the hospital ‘cos I couldn’t afford it….and, well, I’d a paper cut so I didn’t want folk to laff me outta place. For some reason Fity kept insisting that I get a doctor to look at my cut. Hmmm, it’s kinda weird the way he keeps looking at me. The other day I woke up to find him beside me in bed. He said he wanted to feel the contours of my face in the dark since I remind him so much of Craig David. I bolted outta the room when he offered to gimme a massage. Damn, dunno what to do now that we on tour together. Heeellp!”

3. Liam Gallagher (from Oasis): “I am well hard, I am. I am from the hard streets of Manchester, like. You best not mess with me.”
What he really meant to say: “I used to be well famous, now I’m just known for my mono-brow and the fact that I got the living daylights kicked outta me by some German estate agents. I’d won mucho respect when I lied that they were actually members of the German mafia. Leave it to my ex-publicist/baby mama to ruin that for me. Maybe I’da given her the money she asked for afterall. So tired of hearing about Chris Martin from Coldplay. Maybe I’da fathered a baby by a flat-chested Hollywood star instead of some has-been pop singer who can’t carry a tune. A ha, now I see why I was attracted to her in the first place!”

4. Ice-T (from…from…the 80s and early 90s?): “Yo, I’m the Ice Man. 4get about Ice Cube or Vanilla Ice, I’m the O.G. (Original Gangsta).”
What he really meant to say: “I am the fakest brother out there. Fity, Eminem, Ja Rule, they all got nada on me in the fake department. I’m the Oprah Winfrey of the rap game: I’m everything to everybody. I’ve lied about being a pimp, a drug dealer, a police informant, a hired killer, a McDonald’s employee of the month 10 months in a row, etc. I guess I’m just envious of these guys out there making viele geld and I’m here thinking of further lies to pad my resume with. I tried to be a spokesman for a range of ice-lollies, but those damn kids didn’t succumb. My last hope is David Hasselhoff (or as I like to call him Desperate Dave), now there’s a guy who’s just as hopeless as I am. Let’s hope when his CD drops his loyal fans in Germany will pony up.”

So what did y’all think? I hope this proves that there’s more to Julio than some nice underwear. Off to ingest some herb; y’all interested in joining me in this fantastic voyage? Tot ziens.

I am not Dr. Doolittle either.

I don’t get people. U want me to expatiate on that? Good, thought u’d never ask. I’d sent an email to a friend (Mmmbop) from college telling her about Femi’s wedding on Saturday and how I saw a mutual friend of ours (Bux). She sent a reply yesterday that she mistakenly deleted the e-mail b4 she was done reading it, but picked out Bux’s name and the word “glad”. Hmmmm. Anyway, she asked if Bux and I were an item and said she wouldn’t get upset if I affirmed her suspicions. Before u ask why she’d get upset here’s some background for u: Bux and I could never stand each other back in college and though we cool now she’s not exactly my type. Mmmbop was a close female friend in college, but we’re never in a relationship, though it was obvious that she had a thing for me. I’dn’t believe what I just read. Only last month, Mmmbop called me outta the blue to apologise for the way she treated me back at college. More background: Mmmbop got real jealous and possessive whenever I was associated with another girl. As she was a good friend of mine I tried my best to pacify her misplaced anger and let her know that we’re always gonna be friends no matter who I was involved in. Yeah, I know I am a nice guy. Ha. Ha. Anyhow, we’d a real long chat then and I told her that she’d nada to apologise about.

I was real pissed of by her email - well, for a millisecond or so - and then Julio took me hostage and made me go along with her suppositions. I wrote, in a sarcastic tone, that I’m as shocked as anyone that Bux and I are now a couple and feel that Bux might actually be the one I’ve been looking for all my life. Mmmbop mustn’t have been too pleased ‘cos she wrote the following gem: “U Nigerians are all the same. Always knew u’d end up marrying another Nigerian. Maybe if I’d been ruder to u at college (like Bux was) we’da been in a relationship.” Now I didn’t need Julio to tell me what to write; I felt even angrier. U Nigerians are all the same?! Where does this chick get off? Maybe I’m a bit too sensitive, but I felt that statement was akin to non-Blacks addressing Blacks in derogatory terms. Okay, okay, maybe that analogy wasn’t the best, but that’s the way I felt. (Mmmbop’s African British - is that the new PC term? - by the way.) In my reply I went on to offer the meaning of the following words to her: sarcasm and reading glasses. Haven’t heard back from her but shall keep y’all informed.

I don’t wanna put on my talk show host hat here, but this incident has taught me that it’s best if peeps express their true feelings - and here’s where I differ from experts on talk shows: I practise what I preach. There was this girl back in college who didn’t reciprocate my feelings towards her. After 2 hours of intense Tundeisms I told her that I really liked her, but it’d be best if we didn’t communicate for a while so I’d get over her. An hour later all was back to normal in Tundeville, and I moved on to someone who later became my girlfriend. What I’m trying to say is peeps should be brutally honest about how they feel; it works out for all parties at the end of the day. Nobody knows u like u know urself so tell it like it is. Here are some examples that might help y’all.

1. If u are insanely jealous of ur ex-boyfriend’s new girl u might say: “U know I still care about u even though I’ve tried to hide my feelings. If u ever bring that bitch near me, it’s on. I’ll pull out her fake ass hair and pee on her face. I’m seeing a shrink now and I’m loaded up on medication. I’ll be aiight in a few years, I hope. Until then u and the bitch better watch ur backs.”
2. If ur girlfriend’s just left u for a guy who she claimed was ‘just her friend’ u might say: “Oooh baby, it’s u. U all that I waaant. And u say he’s just a friend, u say he’s just a friend. Okay, I’m done serenading u. So u left me for that cross-eyed freak, huh? No problem. I was cheating on u anyways. Just so u know, I just bought a telescopic camera and I’m gonna be with u and ur new man every step of the way. Taking out a restraining order ain’t gonna help. U know The Police’s Every Breath U Take, well, that’s gonna be the soundtrack of ur life from now on. Best bet for y’all is to move to another country. Even if that happens, I’m sure I’ll find u. U better come back to me or else….”

Now don’t u feel better?

The After-party

Julio here. Did that wuss Tunde tell u how ace the wedding was? Man, I got ladies’ numbers coming out every orifice. Nothing like a wedding to bring out the playa in me. After surprising the happy couple with my impromptu striptease I’d ladies of various ages throwing underwear at me. Pure bliss. The guys from the office showed up at the wedding and seemed to enjoy themselves. Oliver looked especially dapper in his cream, transparent suit. Who knew he’d wear green g-string to a wedding?

Speaking of Oliver, did I tell u about the conversation we had? We had an argument about British TV and he said that, “unlike the Americans British shows are realistic”. In place of realistic read ugly ass actors. Oliver my man, there’s a reason why that cathode-ray tube's called a tele-VISION. Call me fickle but I believe that if u are gonna appear on my TV screen u’d better be better looking than my ugliest ex-girlfriend. American soaps are laughable but at least they have good-looking folk; even the extras are gorgeous! British soaps? Now that’s another matter.

Here’s Julio’s guide to British soaps:
1. Each soap must have at most 2 good-looking folk (2 men, 1 man and 1 woman, 2 women, or a human and a pet). To be a soap star in the UK being good-looking and talented are mutually exclusive.
2. At the end of the year the Association of Soap Stars (ASS) organize an award show to honour the ugliest of their peers. It’s called the British Soap Awards. Seriously, u’ve never seen an uglier collection of folk on TV. I mean it’d double as the set of a horror flick; most of the peeps in attendance don’t need makeup to frighten the heck outta kids. In a recent survey it was discovered that 99% of all kids who watch these soaps b4 going to sleep end up wetting the bed ‘cos of nightmares....well, that was the excuse I gave to my girlfriend last nite when she accosted me about the wet sheets. Hey, I have a weak bladder, y’all got a problem with that?!. Yeah, what was I talking about? The soap awards, yeah. Every year the show is hosted by one good-looking person and another, erm, not so aesthetically pleasing individual. If 2 good-looking folk ever host the show then someone has to forfeit their place in the audience.
3. Prestigious accolades include Ugliest Actor, Fattest Actor, but the worst seems to be the Phwoarh award, i.e. “phwoarh” is the sound one makes when one sees them ‘cos they are real fine. Yeah, right. The sad thing about this special award is that both men and women are up for this award: since there are only 4 soaps in the UK u can have between 2 and 8 peeps nominated, depending on the year. U can’t blame the actors for coveting the award though, it’s the closest they ever gonna get to an Academy Award.

Ain’t it amazing how u take a plane ride across the Atlantic and it’s a whole other world. Anyways, I’m off to light up a fat one. Tot ziens.

The Wedding

It’s now midnight (8th June) and just got home after seeing a movie (VAN HELSING) with a friend I met last week. ”Hey Bobby, what’s French for clichéd, pretentious turd?” Man, that movie was utter drivel. The director/writer copied everything from the Bond movies to The Good, The Bad, The Ugly. The best thing about the movie experience was the company. She’s got a lovely smile and y’all know how I am about gorgeous smiles. Get this: the girl’s got a denim fetish. Yeah, u read that right, a frigging denim fetish. She loves to touch denim so much she carries a strip of it wherever she goes. And I thought I was weird for having a thing for chicks that are left-handed, li’l gap-toothed (a la Xtiana Aguilera, Kate Beckinsale), have dark gums and speak with East-European accents. If y’all happen to come across a girl with the aforementioned attributes and who happens to be a natural blonde Asian (preferably from the Far East) let me know ‘cos I’d no longer be averse to getting hitched.

Speaking of weddings Femi’s was ace. I looked like a million bucks…..and yeah, the happy couple looked aiight too. Ha. Ha. Seriously though, God helped make it a lovely experience. Wish u’da seen the scene after the bride threw the bouquet. I swear some girls left there missing some teeth. The groom didn’t bother throwing the garter ‘cos he knew no guys were gonna reach for it. Guys, what u afraid of? It’s inevitable. In the wise words of my dad, “u are just postponing the evil day”. From my intense research I have a theory that getting married is analogous to joining a secret cult. Firstly, as soon as one gets married one mysteriously gets invited to other weddings; ur Saturdays are no longer ur’s, they are ‘meeting’ days. Next, once u get married u develop the incessant urge to match-make (or ‘initiate’) singletons together. From these observations I have drawn the following conclusions: (1) marriage is such an ace experience that once u take that leap u can’t help but wish others enjoy the same, OR (2) marriage is something so awful u hope others get married so all y’all can commiserate with each other. U be the judge.

Livin' La Vida Mocha

Hola peeps. Julio here. Que tal? Moi? Muy mal. Not glad ‘cos I’ve got no ‘official’ position at Femi’s wedding. Did that punk Tunde tell y’all he’s actually Femi’s best man? The damn ass-kisser. The guy virtually campaigned for that position. He chauffeured Femi and his fiancée around for a month, mowed their lawn and bought Femi lunch for a week. U see I keep it real that’s why the happy married couple-to-be don’t wanna gimme any positions of responsibility. I can’t even serve guests for goodness sake! I don’t blame them though. Lately, I’ve been having a recurring dream where I kidnap the DJ and play a medley of my favorite songs. I made a mixtape of these songs when I was dating this Russian stripper, sorry exotic dancer, called Tatjana. The songs include: Roxanne by The Police, Perfect Gentleman by Wyclef Jean, Private Dancer by Tina Turner, I’m Ur Baby Tonite by Whitney Houston and She Works Hard 4 The Money by Donna Summer. Not all women appreciate Julio’s romantic gestures though. Strange to believe, huh? For instance, Katya, Tatjana’s twin sister, wasn’t at all pleased when I gave her the same mixtape on Valentine’s Day. How was I to know that twin sisters have dissimilar tastes?

Anyways, I saw the England v Japan football game last nite. Sven-Goran Eriksson, u need help. Read my lips: U really, really need help. Paul Scholes is a diver, Wayne Rooney is a thug, Gary Neville’s only in the team cos he plays for Man Utd and David Beckham’s now more celebrated as a walking billboard for tattoo parlours than he is for his football. The only way u can beat France is if Desailly plays the same way he plays for Chelsea. It’s amazing the way the guy’s calcified in front of our eyes.

Chat to y’all tomorrow. I’m off to straddle a pole in front of drooling old ladies with cataracts. Man, things I do for money! How do I cope, u ask? Can u spell W-E-E-D?

Another day in the life

Hi y'all, thanx for all the comments. Gotta apologise for the late posting today. U see, I got to work late cos I'd a case of the drips (aka cool runnings, diarrhoea, bog splatter, etc). It’s weird cos last nite a mate in the States reminded me of the time I’d the drips at her crib: I was in boxer shorts while we were play fighting. I then had the smart idea to sit on her face and let one go. Imagine my disbelief when I felt some moist substance on my ass. Men, for a while there I thot I was at a Michael Jackson concert. This chick screamed, shouted, grabbed her crotch, did backslides, everything – including scrubbing her face to within an inch of its life. Boy, those sure were the good ol’ days.

Yeah, went to get my suit from the tailor’s last nite. Man, can’t still believe my cuz Femi’s getting hitched on Saturday. I wish him all the best. Speaking of marriage, did I tell y’all what happened on Sunday? Well, went to church and it was ace. So the pastor asked peeps to come forward for prayers, if interested. So I step forward and ask one of the elders to pray for me so I’d a better relationship with God. Anyways this guy prays for me and as I’m about to leave he calls out to me and says: “I know this is totally unrelated, but while praying for u I felt the word partner impressed on my heart”. The guy then cracks a smile ‘cos he obviously notices the I-hope-this-guy-doesn’t-have-a-daughter-he’s-trying-to-get-rid-of look on my face. Man, that stuck with me all day. It’s not like I’m loath to commit, it’s just that…well, yes, okay u’re right, I’m not that keen on commitment. B4 y’all amateur Freuds get any ideas I do intend to get married someday, just not now……..I’m hoping Angelina Jolie proves me wrong.

FYI: I got Sherlock Homeboy on the job and he told me that the guy who prayed for me DOES have a daughter…. she’s only 10 years old though. Phew!

Julio here

Hola my peeps, this is Julio. I'm sure that wuss Tunde musta told u about me. We'll get to know each other soon enough. It's almost 6pm over here and I feel like ranting. Some things have been bugging me lately. I look forward to reading ur comments.....or not reading them, it doesn't matter.

So was watching TV the other day and saw some stars of yesteryear. Got me thinking: WHEN A STAR'S NO LONGER IN THE SPOTLIGHT HOW DO THEY TELL THEIR BODYGUARDS THEY CAN NO LONGER AFFORD TO COMPENSATE THEM? I mean what if the bodyguards become so attached they can't let go? I'd write a movie script based on this premise. Could pitch it as The Bodyguard meets Fatal Attraction. We'd get Whitney, Kevin, Glenn and Michael to reprise their roles. I mean it's not as if their careers are going anywhere. It might actually prove cathartic for Glenn Close. I'm sure she must have had 'the talk' with her bodyguard almost 2 decades ago. Now she probably rents a chihuahua to protect her from her crazed, stalker fans.....okay she's probably got just one fan left....and she probably has him (the guy also doubles as her gardener/chef/chauffeur) on a stipend. For good measure, let's throw Sharon Stone into the picture too 'cos goodness knows her career needs a boost. Is it just me or do y'all find it insane that she still trades on her role in Basic Instinct? 2 words Miss Stone: An agent. Better still, 2 more words: Retire-ment.

Okay, I'm off to smoke some weed. Tot ziens.

1st Blog Day

Hi all. My name is Tunde McClure. U might remember me from such movies as “Help, My Momma’s Got A Slipper And She Ain’t Afraid To Use It” and “What Do I Do? My Girlfriend’s Twin Sisters Wanna Sleep With Me”. This is my blog and I decided to start one ‘cos everyone’s been harping on about me getting one. My blog shall hereby be called The Trials, Tribulations and Takingthepissology of Tunde. Now and then, well, most times, u shall read from Julio the male stripper; he’s my alter-ego. So let the blogs begin:

Tuesday June 1st 2004
At work and trying to sort out the Internet access. Marco’s digging on the finale of Friends that was shown last Friday. Is it me or is that show overrated? Men, I saw a few reruns of that show and didn’t laff one bit. The last scene in the one I saw had Monica with a turkey over her head and she and Chandler were going back and forth about the fact that he said he loved her. Cue the laff track. And that’s supposed to be funny? Seinfeld, now that's funny; 'allo 'allo, now that's funny; Wiil & Grace, now that's funny; Some Mothers Do Have'em, now that's funny; Curb Your Enthusiam, now that's funny; The Office, now that's funny; The Chappelle Show, now that's crazy funny.

Just received a forwarded e-mail from a friend. Apparently she believes that if all motorists refuse to buy gasoline for a day the oil companies and OPEC will see that consumers "aren't dumb" and that will force them to reduce the price of fuel at the pumps. Say, did u see that pig just fly past my window? U missed it? Damn! Men, I'm sure if u took ur eyes off that frozen lake that used to contain fire and bimstone u'd see the winged swine.