Tuesday, February 13, 2007

If u got oral problems I feel bad for u son, I’ve got 99 problems but big lips ain’t one

Hola peeps. Día de los valentine felices. Today’s therapy day. Called someone I’ve known for ages, and refer to as my “small wife”, well small wife’s now 26 and just ended things with her on-off boyfriend of 4 years. Actually he ended things and she’s heartbroken. Going thru that phase where she regards all men as pigs and doubts if she’ll ever meet anyone that comes close to him. Spent about 30 minutes trying to cheer her up and don’t think I was much help. Told her the trite, but true, line that things would get better and all that. Man, she was hurting like crazy and even issued the line about all her mates getting married and she not even being in a relationship. It’s at times like these one wonders what guys are looking for. I mean she’s cute, smart…..hold on I am not in a relationship with her so don’t know dude’s reasons for ending things. Reminds me of what Christian Troy (xter in Nip/Tuck) said, “For every woman u think is perfect there’s some dude tired of her”. Of course I didn’t try to cheer small wifey up with that line, b4 y’all ask. Man, just wish I’d take away some of her pain.

As fate would have it called a former colleague I usually tease about going out with me, and asked, “so have u left ur boyfriend yet?” and expected to hear the usual, “Lol…oh Tunde, when will u learn?” Instead she tells me dude’s left her and is seeing someone else less than 3 weeks after they broke up. Ooops. Like a woman seeking revenge she asked, “so what WE doing for Val’s day?” “Er, er, well, I’ll be on the R.I.G. and….oh is that the time?”

Last week I received the following text message: Will u marry me? I know I am not perfect and have many flaws… I don’t know why, but found myself sweating profusely. Then I thought, Man, but I am not this close with this chick. She’s li’l more than an acquaintance. Damn, I can’t remember flirting with her or teasing her about marriage. O boy, maybe this is payback for teasing Ayo about Temmy Tayo. How do I tell this chick my flaws and her flaws, whatever they are, would make us incompatible? And WHY AM I SWEATING?! Am I that scared of a proposal? Wuss!! Received another text message soon after apologising for the mix up. Phew! Called her last week to enquire if the intended messagee (I know it’s not a word but don’t y’all just love the way it sounds/reads?) had responded to her proposal. She said dude hasn’t returned her calls since, but doesn’t regret sending text as she knows the status of her relationship “especially now that Val’s day is coming along.”

Don’t get what it is about this time of the year that makes women think of putting their relationship to the test? Wouldn’t it be so romantic if he proposed to me on Valentine’s day? Wouldn’t it be ace if he got me a present better than all my colleagues’ put together? He’d better send a huge bouquet of flowers to the office so everyone’d be envious or else…… What makes breakups real bad around this time is the good folk at Hallmark cards have convinced women around the world that February 14th is on par with birthdays and anniversaries. Lol…..y’all can tell I’m looking for a way outta buying a Val’s Day present, huh? Hey, maybe that’s why those dudes broke up with their girlfriends! The pressure of buying the perfect gift musta got to them……..as if. Do I think I’m back in secondary school where guys find ingenious ways to break up with girlfriends before Val’s day? Come to think of it my most memorable Val’s day was in my final year of high school. Hey, thought u said u never dated anyone ‘til u got to university? Yeah, u right. What happened was……..(this is where, if this was a TV show, the screen would go all loopy to signal the commencement of a dream sequence. Who’s the punk that thot about that invention, I wonder?)

A few of us guys were bored when someone came up with the idea of giving a “present” to some chick who felt like the sun shone outta her arse. Come to think of it I can’t remember what her crime was. Probably turned down one of the guys and dude found a way to convince the rest of us she was Jezebel incarnate. Back then chicks had a thang for Danish cookies and teddy bears so someone bought a tin of Danish cookies and we ate it all. We replaced the cookies with beans, sealed the lid and left it under a locker for 2 days. On the morning of February 14th 1992 I opened the tin, dropped some of my finest morning doodle in it – I had coincidentally eaten beans the night before - someone taped it up nice, another put some fancy wrapping paper on it, I sprayed some of my expensive cologne on the “present” and handed it off to another mate.

I tell y’all it was like a murder mystery, a different person per task so we all equal accomplices. By noon while opening the present she was reported – couldn’t watch ‘cos was afraid I’d crack up and give myself away – to have said, “Na wa, this wrapping is taking forever to untie…” before receiving the surprise of her life. Ah good times, good times.

Though had some trying times in high school most memories were as fun as that above. Stuff that never fails to bring a smile to my face is some dude called Gabriel who liked to tell long tales and had the funniest sound effect ever. “So the thief came into my house and slammed the door gbaraorao and my father hit him gbaraorao and the car screeched to a halt gbaraorao….” Throughout time spent in school I’d never get him to explain the origin of gbaraorao.

Another teller of tales was slicker. Dude loved movies so much he’d watch trailers of movies and tell u he’d seen them. Problem is he always gave himself away…….easily. “So dude, u seen that old movie The Great Escape? I hear it was real good, how did u find it?” It was a GREAT movie. “How about Life Is Beautiful?” BEAUTIFUL movie. “Rocky V?” A ROCK of a movie, the best one yet. Lol…..I hear dude’s a journalist now. Wouldn’t u just love to read his critique of movies? Man, if wishes came true…….

PH news: Funniest sight in PH yet was observed last weekend. Saw folk putting up posters of a gubernatorial candidate who’d been disqualified from seeking that office 2 weeks before. Either they’d not heard the news or had to dispose of his posters somehow and the trash cans were full. Only in PH.

Did I tell y’all how much I’m enjoying this nudist phase of my life? Boy, if I had known it was this fun I’da moved into my apartment ages ago. I am still not as comfortable as a mate of mine who enjoys sleeping naked – she’s reading this and knows herself – but walking around naked is da bomb. Previously, it used to be only after having a shower, but now after descending from the white throne I walk around the crib and plan the layout for the new home theatre system I recently purchased.

Speaking of taking a dump, did I tell y’all how much I enjoy that as well? Probably one of the best things God invented. I’ve been mounting the white throne a lot in past 4 days ‘cos I have the runs – since I had boli and fish Wednesday evening – and, okay this may gross some of y’all out, I find myself analysing my doodle just before I flush. Hey, if Sly Stallone’s loony mom can claim to tell one’s future by analysing one’s bum print the least I can do is admire my Picasso in the white bowl. Lol….maybe it’s the Japanese side of me – a friend who lives in Tokyo says the Japanese are so freaky they have machines that vend soiled underwear. Konishiwa that my blogger friends.

Most memorable dump was one that took so long to come out I nearly developed an aneurysm from the strain. I musta been on the loo for at least 15 minutes without nada coming out. I huffed and puffed and blew the house down but doodle refused to budge. Eventually I pushed real hard – think I understood then what women go thru in child birth – and the pressure was so intense it forced the poo from my butt straight down the toilet bowl into the sewer. I kid thee not, I didn’t have to flush. If it hadn’t been for the skid marks it left on the sides of the bog bowl I’d not have known any stuff came out. I was in shock for 3 minutes afterwards. Wasn’t sure what to do. Do I clean my arse with bog roll? No, no bog roll could be worthy enuff to touch my butt after what I just experienced. Do I use a bidet? What do I do? The experience was almost surreal.

Okay, I’m sorry if I grossed u out, but since this is the season for giving (gifts) decided to share some of my precious memories with y’all. Okay, y’all more comfortable with my nudist stories? Cool. Like I was saying u haven’t lived ‘til u’ve had a bowl of cereal in the nude……..while killing centipedes.

Yup, I no longer have problems with the roaches – that’s what fumigating one’s crib does – but noticed PH has a centipede epidemic. Hey, don’t get me wrong I’d much rather kill these creepy crawlies than those flying vermin, but still I’d appreciate if the centipedes wouldn’t bug (geddit? geddit? Awww, forget yous) me at work. U don’t wanna know what it feels like to hoist oneself on a pole, flip upside down, look up and find a centipede smiling down at u. Yet another reason to detest PH.

Since last blog entry the good folk in PHCN decide to hold power for 5 days. Not even a blip, nada. Never experienced that in my life before. Day I decided to make an express order for a generator the folk decided to provide uninterrupted power for 12 hours. Never experienced such since I moved to PH. Since then power supply’s been regular. Guess it’s never too late to live up to campaign promises one made 8 years ago.

During the “black out” at my crib I was forced to explore PH and ‘cos mate, yes the pernickety one, had his girlfriend around (again) I had to ask folk for directions. Hey, before I go on I gotta tell u mate’s in love. Dude’s been introducing his girlfriend and his wife-to-be and chick’s quite cool and a heckuva cook, so she’s got my vote. So where was I? The other day I stopped to ask this chick with legs up to her neck for directions and they way she looked at me made me think of Positive K’s Carhoppers Remix. (Oooops, here comes the loopy remembrance/dream sequence effect again.)

Girl (dressed in tight jeans): Hey, are you Positive K?
Positive K: Yeah, u might say.
Girl: What u doing in my neighbourhood?
Positive K: What can I say, the flavour’s good. Nah, I’m just passing through.
Girl: Well, this is a question I’m asking u. Do u think we can get together?
Positive K: Did Run DMC make Tougher Than Leather? But wait a minte, do I know u from somewhere, or is there a reason u giving me that kinda stare?
Girl: Ooh baby, ur beemer is banging. Me and u need to be hanging.
Positive K: Well do the right thing and gimme ur number hon, and I’ll call u after I make this other one.
Girl: Nah, u’re probably married, or engaged with a child or two.
Positive K: Wait a minute, who? I won’t lie……

The gist of it is Positive K feels the chick’s stepping to him ‘cos of his fly ride. Moi? Do I think chick with giraffe legs woulda been all smiles if I asked for directions on an okada? U-huh. Anyways I felt obliged to ask her where she was heading to, I mean she offered directions after all. She said, “Anywhere u going is cool”, so I told her I didn’t have enuff petrol and sped off laffing my evil genius laff, Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Since then anytime the folk at PHCN mess up I take Parminder for a ride and pretend to offer chicks rides. My favourite response is, “Ooops, sorry the door on the passenger side doesn’t open. Would u mind getting in thru the window?” I know it’s a puerile way to behave, but it’s so much fun. Besides I gotta keep myself entertained ‘til my generator’s delivered. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Over the weekend I drove to Park N’ Shop to get a stabiliser changed and ended up losing my cool after they kept me waiting with all sorts of excuses for 2 hours. 2 friggin’ hours! Regret to say I threw a few F bombs – sorry Lord – and a mate joined in. Why does one have to raise one’s voice before one gets one’s way? Was so good to get my way I actually prayed I’d not crack up while still pretending to be angry. Mate was real mad though. He went off at some stranger who tried to placate us. “That’s the problem with this country. We keep settling for stuff while others run roughshod over us. Same problem with the Niger Delta….” Uh oh. We bringing the Niger Delta into this? How did we get from “give me a replacement stabiliser” to this. Lol….didn’t wanna stop my mate ‘cos he was on a roll. This incident reminds me of my first year at Bradford (hold on, where’s the loopy effect? Oh yeah, there it is) when I stayed in school accommodation. ‘Cos folk on my floor were always awake we’d go down to lower floors and nick food outta their fridge just for the heck of it. There was moi, mate Mohammed and 4 Asian dudes led by Nico “Bally Wagoo”. Anyways, one night while nicking stuff from C Floor - that housed mostly white folk - this dude Abbass (British Pakistani) uttered the unforgettable line, “They steal our countries, we steal their food.” Huh? U what? I thought we were just having fun, when did this turn into a political rally? Lol…I’m sure William Wallace couldn’t have said it better. “We want our F-R-E-E-D-O-M….but if we can’t get that, we wouldn’t mind some F-R-I-E-S.” Lol…

Family news: My sis got mugged last week right about same place I had ‘the incident’ that fateful night in 2005. This time however, it was 6.20am in the morning! Hey neighbour I am up early to go to work. How about u? “Moi? I am up this early to go rob some folk. I’ll be the one in the balaclava in case u don’t recognise my voice. See u soon.” While talking to my mom later that day she told me my sister’s mother-in-law also got mugged 2 weeks before, this after her daughter’s husband got shot by robbers and subsequently died. Crazy, huh? As it turned out dude driving behind my sister’s mother-in-law is a naval officer and he aided in arresting the robber. So they mosey on down to the nearest police station when they discover……this is the part in Nollywood movies where the sound technician (who also functions as the script writer, continuity man, assistant director and caterer) turns up the volume……robber’s actually a serving police officer who’da been on duty at another location. And u wonder why the PDP doesn’t trumpet this among the gains of democracy? Yet the government chastises CNN for salacious reporting on Nigeria? We all should be ashamed of ourselves, starting from the criminals ruling us. The punks.

I remember a newspaper Op-Ed piece I read over the Xmas break where dude chastised the current Inspector General of Police (IGP) to stop talking and act. “…I am tired of hearing him at press conferences warning thieves to cease their actions or he’ll be forced to deal with them. Stop issuing threats and act. How many banks have been robbed since your speeches? How many of ur officers have been killed? Yet all u do is talk and talk…” It’da been humorous if it wasn’t so true. Showed the article to Kinzo, who apart from being able to predict bra sizes correctly has an encyclopaedic knowledge of past IGPs, and dude agreed with the author of the piece. In fact dude rates the current IGP as the worst in his lifetime. And y’all wonder why we so religious in this country.

Was on the R.I.G. when Parminder was driven from Lagos. Driver spent almost 10,000 Naira tipping police for having totally legit documents. Ha. At some point an officer accused him of stealing the car, but let him go for 2,000 Naira. Frank Nweke, Jr. eat ur heart out.

Sports news: Just saw Arsenal beat Wigan and felt ashamed to be a Gooner. Dudes won by the skin of their teeth and they were happy?! Stupid captain Henry actually teased opposing keeper after Arsenal equalized, by an own goal no less. U wouldn’t find Stephen Gerrard doing that, but no the punk ass Vavavoom is happy with a draw. Man, maybe it’s time we sold him. That way I’d not have to see him and Adebayor do their stupid celebratory dance. Guys who deserved praise for their performances against Wigan are Clichy, Gilberto, and as usual Toure. The others? I have had doodle that looked better. Lehmann got his fifth yellow card of the season – a frigging goalkeeper!- for time wasting. How old’s the dude, 37? Can’t understand why he still acts so petulant. Fabregas is turning into a nasty player; Henry’s becoming a diver; Wenger needs a new track suit.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m typing this with no power and someone else’s generator humming in my ear that I am this pissed. Or maybe it’s ‘cos I gotta shop for a gift for Val’s day. Any suggestions?

Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

My life as a married man

Hola peeps. Usted puede besar a la novia. Mwuuuaahhh. Yes, y’all read the title right. Phone conversations with family this week – obviously I was the one that called – have led me to think about marriage more than ever. Called my bro-in-law just to shoot the breeze and first thang he said was, “Hmmm, so Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, who we ordering flowers for this time?” As if that wasn’t bad enuff I hollered at my sis-in-law and she repeated a similar line, “Na wa o. U are so predictable, so predictable. U are calling me ‘cos Val’s Day is 11 days away abi? So what address do u wanna send the gift to?” Ouch. With relatives like these who needs Nollywood wicked stepmothers? See what I mean when I say married folk always look down on us single folk?

In order to get outta that I-don’t-have-a-life-partner-yet funk I called my recently married sis to find out how she’s keeping. When I asked about her husband she replied, “We are doing great”. Not “he is doing great”, but “WE are doing great.” After I got off the phone I longed to be referred to as WE as well. That mushy feeling disappeared about 3 seconds, but those wee (geddit? geddit? Aww forget yous) seconds left a lasting impression. Last time I felt this way was when some chick I was chilling with got a call from her boyfriend and she referred to him as “baby”. I thought, I know she’s cheating on her boyfriend with me, but I’d love if it was me she called “baby”. That particular feeling vanished after 2 seconds; see, I’m getting more emotional by the…..wait for it…..second. Lol…man, I kill myself.

So where was I? Yes, the M word. After thinking long and hard I finally realised two things: 1. I am ready for marriage; 2. I am not in the least bit ready for marriage. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Reasons why I think I’m ready for marriage:

a. I have got a crib that still needs furnishing (a woman’s touch, perhaps?).
b. I have a decent ride.
c. I love kids.
d. I suddenly have the urge to settle matters with long lost exes.
e. I love buying presents for the opposite sex.

Reasons why I know I am not ready for marriage:

a. Friends who are soon-to-be-married have marriage-ready cribs, i.e. they have dining tables, leather chairs, coffee tables, cookers, etc in their cribs. Moi? Just bought a microwave and a flask so I’d go round aforementioned folks’ cribs to get cooked food which I can heat up in my microwave and consume while sitting on my bed in torn boxer shorts.
b. Friends who are soon-to-be-married have purchased new rides with families in mind. Moi? Recently got my old ride – yes, the one from those past blog entries that gave me so much trouble – pimped out (new engine, new paint job, hydraulics on wheels, STUD007 license plate number) and delivered to PH. I have christened her Parminder.
c. Friends who are soon-to-be-married are thinking up baby names. Moi? I pester same folk to name me godfather of their yet unborn brood so I can feel some sense of responsibility.
d. Friends who are soon-to-be-married call up exes to inform them of impending nuptials in the hope of resolving past issues. Moi? Got in touch with a few long-lost exes last week and discovered most are married with kids. Only regret I had was not calling sooner ‘cos discovered an ex’s fine as heck cousin that I’d a huggggeeeee crush on is now married with 2 kids. Man, I’da acted a few years sooner. If that ain’t bad enuff I still can’t get over my crush on an in-law who’s married with 5 kids. What’s wrong with me?!!!!!
e. Friends who are soon-to-be-married get calls from travel agents enquiring as to their choice honeymoon destination. Moi? (And I promise y’all this is totally true) It’s 1708 hrs on February 4th 2007 and I just received a call from some lady who said, “Hi. I dunno if u remember me, but my name’s __________ and I was the one that arranged ur Val’s Day present last year. U interested in a similar service this year?” Lol…..man, this is crazy eerie. Probably shoulda replied, “Er, hmmmm, lemme think about it for a minute. Soon after I signed up for ur service I broke up with my girlfriend. U actually think I wanna risk it this time? U do know I plan to send my mom a Val’s present this year, right? Can u guarantee that a few months from now my mom won’t stop speaking to me?”

As if the pressure of buying new shirts and ties every 3 months, ‘cos I’m on some groom’s train or the other, is not bad enuff Chief constantly reminds me that he hopes to have two of his kids get hitched this year, and since that punk Ayo’s still hiding in the UK I’m the defacto next in line after Kinzo. Hear him, “Akin’s getting married in September, I have no problem with u getting hitched in December. Serious. Think about it.” Lately he’s been ending all our conversations with Serious. Think about it, almost as if there’s a threat implied. If u seriously don’t think about it then I’m gonna be forced to get u drunk and marry u off to a friend’s ugly ass daughter.

Can’t blame the dude though he said he’s always envisioned all his kids getting hitched by the time he’s 70. Dude’s gonna be 68 this year and he’s got 5 single kids left, so he’s got no choice but to get 2-3 kids off and married annually if he’s to accomplish his vision. Sincerely hoping Ayo agrees to marry Temmy Tayo so that can gimme some breathing space of at least a year. C’mon Ayo, u know Temmy Tayo’s perfect for u. Okay, she doesn’t have a British passport, but love can conquer all of that. Imagine how much fun y’all would have queuing up at the British High Commission together. Y’all could even celebrate Val’s Day there. Now that’s a radically cheap way to go, dontcha think?

So what are my plans for February 14th, the second anniversary of my return to this great country of ours? Well, the club’s sending me on an impromptu course to Warri. Can u feel the joy as I type the words? Lol….at least it’ll make a change from PH where petrol scarcity is the leitmotif. And y’all wonder why this place gets to me?

(Hey, if y’all are wondering what to do for Val’s day, why don’t y’all come to PH and queue for petrol? Guys, any girl that chooses to stay with u after spending 8 hours on a petrol queue as a “date” deserves to be the mother of ur kids.)

PH news: Yes, back from the R.I.G. and kinda loving my crib. Spent Sunday spring cleaning. Well, it’s not exactly spring but u know what I mean. Didn’t realise the place is so huge. Maybe it’s time I got someone to help out now and then so I can work on painting an Angelina Jolie-inspired mural in the blue room.

The crib’s slowly becoming the quintessential Casa de la Tunde, especially as my female roomate’s moved to more convenient digs. Do I miss her? Not in the least, I’m actually discovering more stuff about myself this way. For instance, I realized I’ve been a closet nudist all along. Peep this: The bathroom attached to the master bedroom doesn’t have a shower so I tend to use the one close to the blue room. ‘Cos I am in the crib alone I’ve discovered I love walking around the house naked with a towel draped over my shoulders, singing I am too sexy for my towel, too sexy for my clothes, too sexy by far…... To make matters worse I purchased a huge mirror for my room so now find myself spending at least 10 minutes after each shower admiring my six-pack. Did someone say narcissism? Nah, don’t think that someone can even pronounce the word. Lol….man, I’m on a roll today, huh?

By month end I’da copped a generator and some air conditioners and then it’d be bliss…….well, not exactly. U see I recently discovered the guy in the next apartment is named Sunny. How do I know this? ‘Cos Sunny had an argument with his wife yesterday and…….nah, scratch that. Sunny didn’t say peep while his wife went on and on and on and on for 2 hours non-stop raining abuses on him. The entire street could hear her, and this was 5pm in the evening. While staying with my mate upstairs Sunny’s wife has been known to interrupt my dreams of Angelina at 3am ranting on about something or the other. Yesterday I discovered the ff about Sunny:

1. He’s a “woman wrapper”
2. His wife was responsible for their newly acquired generator
3. If his wife hadn’t been the superwoman she is the family woulda been homeless a long time ago

If statements 2 and 3 are true I now understand why some guys are scared to date/marry women that earn more than they do. U know the saddest thang about all this? The couple has 2 teenage kids that live with them. One’s gotta wonder at what point this lady changed ‘cos I’m sure Sunny wouldn’t have married her if she exhibited such signs while they were dating. It’s funny ‘cos while she was telling the entire world their business Babyface’s How Come, How Long kept humming in my head. I’m sure Sunny’s a hard ass boss at work ‘cos he can’t do squat at home. Shame, Sunny’s balls must now be the size of atoms if he’s had to endure such an earful during 10+ years of marriage.

‘Cos I couldn’t cope with Cher’s (geddit? Sonny and Cher? Awww, forget yous) raving I left the house with my mate, yeah the pernickety one. In the car was a female he later introduced as his girlfriend. Yup, dude’s finally decided to settle on a chick…..who just happens to be someone’s he’s dated before. Guess he’s been around the world and Aiiiiiiiii……. While driving we traded stories on petrol queues. Turns out he’s discovered a place that has no queues but sells petrol at twice the RRP. Moi? I’d spent most of the day either stuck in traffic caused by petrol queues and stuck in petrol queues. After 5 hours I had nada to show for my efforts, but a darker hue and a 2 kg weight loss, both as a result of the sweltering heat. Man, it was so bad I found myself flirting with female pump attendants. As I was wearing a sleeveless top I’d flex my biceps, lick my lips and enquire as to the fuel status.

Tunde: Baby hold on. Hi. I see u guys aren’t selling petrol yet. Are u expecting any supplies later today?
Pump attendant (*batting her eyelids and being generally coy*): Yes, sir. We hope to get some by 5pm today.
Tunde: Nah, don’t call me sir o. My name’s Tunde. Er, so, can I call u later to find out if u’ve received any product? I can? Cool. Man, I love ur hairstyle. Er, I don’t have my phone on me. Is it okay if I give u my number?
Pump attendant: Sure, Tunde. Just enter it in my state-of-the-art phone.

Man, y’all shoulda seen this chick’s phone. Who woulda thunk pump attendants could afford such? Maybe it’s her prize for being Employee Of The MonthDuration Of Petrol Scarcity. Ha.

After repeating the same lecherous lines at two other petrol stations I went home and ran straight for the showers. Man, I felt so dirty. While admiring my six-pack in the mirror my mind went back to the last time I felt so unclean. It was March 2005 at the NYSC camp. I flirted with every chick possible ‘cos wasn’t sure who’d help in engineering an escape from that joint. Flirted with the Camp Director’s PA, the bank representatives, the ladies at the fast food joints, the female security guard at the fast food joints, the sole Man O’ War chick (who flashed/beeped me yesterday), female corpers that seemed to have a handle on thangs, and most ashamedly, an effete soldier who asked me to promise to be his friend forever. The things one has to go through, huh? Ha.

As I type this there’s no power – same ol’ PH – and though it’s sad to say I’m getting used to it. Even when I cop that generator I’m only gonna turn it at 3am so I can pay Cher back for all she’s done for me. Tot ziens and God bless.

Quick one: Er, what’s proper etiquette when someone’s talking to u and their spittle settles on ur lower lip? I ask ‘cos…well, u don’t need to know, just tell me what to do. Do u smile and nod, and once the spitter (if that’s a word) looks away wipe ur lips with a scouring sponge? Reminds me of this chick back at boarding school. Folk used to say if one speaks to her one’d need a face mask (to curb her halitosis) and an umbrella (to stop clothes getting wet with her spittle). Ah, good times.

In the Chinese calendar 2007 is known as the Year of the Black. First a black F1 driver, and now two black coaches in the Super Bowl (Go Colts!).

Y’all thought I was joking when I said peeps try to be first at everything? Each of the US Democratric presidential candidates wants to be the 1st of a kind: 1st black president (Barack Obama), or 1st Hispanic president (Bill Richardson), or 1st female president (Hillary Clinton). All we need now is a gay, transvestite candidate and we’da come full circle.

While on R.I.G. all I saw on Sky News was hoopla generated by contretemps on UK Celebrity Big Brother (BB). Every reality show ex-contestant with no discernable source of income has come outta the woodwork to comment on it. Even an ex-Big Brother psychologist – yes, surprised there’s such a position. Was he fired by BB producers so bears a grudge? Did he used to treat folk addicted to BB? What, what exactly does an ex-BB psychologist do?! – said show’s not based on reality as peeps are put in house based on clashing personalities. Duh! That Jade Goody chick musta said something bad ‘cos folk in India were so upset Tony Blair and Gordon Brown (both of whom admit not to even watch the crap show) were forced to make comments about it. All in all I have never seen so many Asian folk have this much TV face time since Prince Nassem was still boxing. Yeah, I know he’s actually Yemeni but tell that to Asian mates from Bradford who adopted him like a brother. Ha.
I think folk are missing the big picture here. What we really should be concerned about is the process by which celebrities are recruited to appear on such drivel. Goodness knows if this was filmed I’d watch it. “Look Jermaine Jackson, I know the last TV appearance u had was with ur bro in the court house, and even he has stopped accepting ur calls. Come on our show and not only will we give u TV exposure and possibly a chance to revive ur singing career by reissuing old releases (see Andre, Peter) we’d also pay u minimum wage and give u 3 meals a day.”
The king of this celeb reality show crap seems to be Vanilla Ice. Dude’s appeared on reality shows on both sides of the Atlantic. Back in the UK saw Robert van Winkle (aka Vanilla) rapping (while cutting onions), I slice and dice like a knife/ Take ur life…... Sure, sure Vanilla, I’m real scared.

PPPPPS (last one I promise)
Did y’all hear about the crazy weather patterns in Europe? When my sis told me about falling trees and the like in the UK the thought that crossed my mind was, “Hmmm, wouldn’t it be ace to destroy an annoying neighbour’s property and then lay a branch from a fallen tree on it and blame it on crazy weather patterns? Lol…who’d know?” I think I might need help ‘cos my mind wandered along same trajectory during those Virginia-D.C. sniper shootings in 2002. “Wouldn’t it be perfect to trail ur annoying neighbour to a petrol station and then fire shots at her car? Everyone would blame it on the sniper, right?”

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Monday, February 05, 2007


Hola peeps. Realmente le he faltado los individuos. Again I apologise for the silence. Wish I’d say I’ve been busy saving the whales or some celeb-bandwagony cause, but been stuck on the R.I.G……well that, and investigating who Temmy Tayo (check out comments) is. It took all my Sherlock Homeboy skills but finally bagged the chick’s identity. Her name is ……….hmm, let’s keep the suspense going for some time.

Normally I’d not say anything Temmy Tayo baby, but u post a comment on my blog offering to marry my bro, and not me?! What’s wrong with me, my six-pack not good enuff for u? Okay, must admit it’s now five-and a half pack due to copious amount of cheesecake I’ve been consuming, but I’m working hard at it. Lol…hey, ever wonder why most women act out when u ask about their mates and not them? Peep this: was behind this chick in a queue once at the train station and ‘cos I had seen her chatting with some fox earlier I introduced myself and asked, “what’s up with ur friend?” U’da seen how her smile quickly flipped the opposite way. “WHY DON’T U ASK HER URSELF?!”, she blurted. Always wondered why women get miffed when a dude’s not interested in them, even if it’s a dude they don’t fancy. One of life’s great mysteries, huh?
Guys, on the other hand, might get a bit upset, but they’d quickly get over it. “Hmmm, so she likes Brad Pitt instead of moi. No problem, I hope all works out for them and their brood. Man, who am I kidding? I hope she gets dumped so she can come running back to me!”

Sorry for digressing. So Temmy Tayo baby if u want Ayo’s number it’s gonna cost u loadsa Milky Bar chocolates. Else u’d just ask ur fellow Nigerians in the UK and I’m sure one of them will know someone who knows someone who knows the owner of a kebab shop who serves a Nigerian who is so cheap he takes more tissue than is necessary to wipe his mouth so he’d use the outstanding as bog roll who has a girlfriend who knows Ayo’s girlfriend. So we cool now? U gonna stop making marriage proposals to family members on my blog? Good. Yeah, yeah love u too.

So how y’all been? Moi? I’d tell tales and tales, but first a special announcement. My bro Ayo now reads my blog. How did he discover it? (Yes, I know u reading it now u punk ass, and smiling from ear to ear ‘cos Temmy Tayo’s deranged enuff to fancy u.) Turns out my favourite of his exes (u know urself) told him about it and first email I got from the dude was, “So what’s my ring tone?” Ha. Since then the cheap ass dude emails me quite often…..to enquire about Temmy Tayo! Dude, u really wanna know what ur ring tone is? How’s about the li’l known ditty by Malik Shabaaz, Ssshhhh. My bro’s adopted, but doesn’t know it?

Hey Temmy Tayo, just so u know Ayo’s got a girlfriend and I don’t think u are his type. (When asked what kinda girls he likes dude replied, “chicks with hips that don’t lie.”) For one, he likes chicks whose backsides should come with a health warning. When we hung out at the movies back when they were in the country li’l kids kept pointing at his girlfriend’s arse and asking their moms, “Mommy, is that the 8th wonder of the world?” Serious. The width of one arse cheek is enuff to balance sinking ice carps, thus reversing effects of global warming. Ever seen an arse cheek with dimples? This chick’s does. How do I know? U can see them from her baggy jeans. I tell u Shakespeare coulda written a play about her assets. As a matter of fact I think I’m gonna do that when I get some time. Even got a title for it: ASS ON FIRE. Lol…..man, I kill myself.

Ayo, just so u know Temmy Tayo’s actually quite fine. Was there when one older cat described her as “the epitome of a black woman”. That said it’s been ages since I seen her so a lot coulda changed. Takes me back to Bradford when the ACS (Afro Caribbean Society) organised a surprise charity auction. Folk were asked to describe themselves in 3 words or less. Can’t remember how I described myself – I know RICH was one of the words – but got the largest pot. (Yes, so proud of that 3 quid that got paid for me I actually put that on my CV: Costliest male in secret auction).
In turn I put in the highest bid for some chick that described herself as VOLUPTUOUS. Now the hostess of the night was voluptuous (and then some), and always seemed to have lip gloss on her lips, so I covertly asked if she was the Voluptuous chick. She said, “maybe” and walked away. Through out the night I am exchanging winks with this chick and not caring that her boyfriend’s around. Then comes up the bid number and I’m bidding like crazy, “50 pence, 1 pound 52 pence….” – hey we were frigging broke students – until I won. To cut a longish story shortish I ran onto the stage, hugged the hostess, shook my bum at the audience and was ready to claim my prize. Then discovered I’d been hoodwinked all along, the hostess was never in the running! The girl that described herself as voluptuous was actually more vol than luptuous if u catch my drift. So just to warn thee my beloved brother Ayo, do not fall for Temmy Tayo ‘til u see her…and after then remember u have a girlfriend. Capisci? Bueno.

PH news: I know I complain about this town a lot, but I’ve learnt to appreciate it’s certain charm. Psych! Who am I kidding? It still sucks. However, being in PH has let me experience a different side of Nigeria. For example, I get to hear songs folk in Lagos would have no clue about. The funniest one at the moment is by a songwriter who could probably compete with R.Kelly as Dude most likely to write a song about anything. Song has the following chorus: Ashawo don get belle, ashawo don get belle. Shakara don end o. (The promiscuous girl is preggers, no more showing off from her.) Lol…how does one even begin to analyze that song? Problem is chorus is so catchy I find myself humming it everywhere.

R.I.G. news: The greatest character on the R.I.G.- yes, the ‘buoyant’ dude - is still up to his wily ways. Do u know this dude spends his days surfing the Nigerian SUN newspapers website and calling the SUN Page 3 chicks? Didn’t even know those numbers were for real. To make matters worse dude uses the satellite phone to call the chicks so he’d pretend he’s out of the country. Dude sure needs a life.

Y’all know how I keep harping on about discovering something new whenever I am on the R.I.G.? Well, just discovered if I place my phone to the left, to the left side of my PC, slant it at a sixty-two degree angle from horizontal, and serenade it with cries of Hibachi! three times in one minute – call my phone The Candyman if u want – the reception on my phone goes from zilch to 4 full bars. Yes, I can finally receive calls on the R.I.G. If only I can get my family to call. Sob….sob.

Other stuff discovered about the R.I.G. can be taxonomied (no, it’s not a word but always liked the sound of it) into Obvious and Eerie; the latter first (Oh my darling Tunde, I love when u play with words. That blonde illiterate Brad always spends his time gazing into a mirror. If I’d known u’d adopt my kids I’d not have chilled with him. Please stick around until I dump him. Love u, Angelina).

This tour of the R.I.G. has been particularly stressful. The other day I spent 26 hours on my feet teaching the recruits my new choreography called The Gravel Pack. It involves at least 20 people of similar height and hairstyle and…….nah, it’s too complicated for y’all. Besides don’t want Wade Robson nicking it and displaying it on his vanity project show. Hey, speaking of which any of u seen Ur Mama on MTV? Why can’t MTV get better hosts like Nick Cannon on Wild ‘N Out? Wilma Valderrama is best known for what exactly? Oh look at me, my career’s in skids ‘cos That 70s Show got cancelled and I’ve tried to be in the public eye by dating pre-pubescent chicks but no one seems to care. Damn, what I wouldn’t do to have R. Kelly’s publicist. Oh, but he has talent and doesn’t have a speech impediment like moi. Damn.

So like I was saying typing the time spent on the R.I.G. has taken its toll on me. I no longer crave the food here – guess being served rice daily would do that to one – and not as excited about working out as I once was. Maybe I’m getting to that point all men reach where they stop giving a hoot about their waistline. Even stars are looking chunkier nowadays – Busta (open a pack of pork rinds) Rhymes, Eminem (eating more M&Ms), R. Kelly (trapped in the pantry), William (stomach going where no man has gone before) Shatner, John (does my cleft look fat on this face?) Travolta, Val Kilmer, Rosie (I am really a man) O’Donnell, etc. Only dude who seems to be keeping the faith is Sting, and that’s ‘cos he’s vegetarian….and his wife cannot cook.

All in all I don’t sleep enuff ‘cos of the work load and end up stealing zzzzzzzz here and there. It was on one of such hitches it occurred to me that I am a human alarm clock! I’ve now discovered that sleep’s all in one’s head. I tell myself I’m gonna wake up an hour after my head hits the pillow and I’m usually smack dab right on track, give or take a second or two. Eerie, innit? U don’t believe me? Okay I’ll prove it to y’all. I am gonna take a break from writing this crap and nap for 5 minutes. Y’all ready? Here goes: 1 minute, 2 minutes……3 minutes 45 secs, 4 minutes 58 seconds, 4 minutes 59 seconds…..5 minutes! There u go. Man, I’d be on TV with talent like this. Narcolepsy my arse.

While we on the subject of self discoveries it has come to my attention that I swear worse than I used to. A friend I hadn’t seen in a while brought it to my attention and I replied, “Moi swear? No f%$king way”. When another mate mentioned it I did some self analysis and decided they are f%$king right. U see, u see; I gotta learn to curb this. I thought long and hard about this and informed folk to smack me across the face whenever I uttered a curse word. It’s radical, and I have a huge scar on my left cheek from an overzealous ex-“friend” to show for it, but it worked a threat. Maybe it’s as a result of the blows to the face but the no-cussing side of Tunde is now more emotional. I notice I now appreciate the li’l things in life such as the pitter-patter of baby feet (while I scare the living daylights outta them in my Margaret Beckett face mask). Also learnt to write poetry (about how life revolves around me), and provide radical solutions to some of life’s deepest quandaries. While others ponder which came first, the chicken or the egg, I spend my (*Hercule Poirot accent*) “little gray cells” (and lone grey hair in soul-patch) pondering what existed first, the bachelor’s eve party or strippers? Betcha even Aristotle woulda been flummoxed by that one. Think about it, there’s gotta be a reason apart from amorousness that makes guys think a bachelor’s eve party is not complete without gyrating naked chicks. This topic’s come to the fore ‘cos (yet another) mate’s getting married in May and as he’s based in the UK it has fallen upon his friends in Nigeria to sort something out. Tired of same ol’ cliché, especially after that Russian stripper I fell in love with broke my heart…..musta told y’all about it before….still seeing a shrink to get over the pain.

Following on from my advice to Kinzo (and all soon-to-be-married folk) last blog entry I’ve decided if the groom’s not named Peter Stringfellow or Hugh Hefner then it’s best to organize a circus-themed bachelor’s eve party that helps the groom realize what he’s getting into. Hire circus performers such as:

a. Bearded lady – to show what to expect of one’s wife. Fiancee might end up having one of those Tom Selleck (back in Magnum days) moustaches and it’s best to brace urself for it now.
b. Guy fired outta a cannon – to show what the rest of ur life would be like if ur wife catches u cheating.
c. Lion tamer – u’ll need this skill when ur dad-in-law comes visiting.
d. Muscle man – to deter all those boys from dating ur daughter(s).
e. Clown – sure I’ll show up when invited so long as u name ur first kid Tunde. I know folk don’t like the reincarnation theme of Babatunde, but u’d try AyoTUNDE, OluTUNDE, or go all African American and remix the name like DenzelTUNDE, BradPittTUNDE.
f. Fortune teller – nah, u don’t need this service. Just avoid hanging with ur wife’s garrulous friends (especially those that own hair salons) and u’ll have an ace marriage.

Man, I sure can go off on a tangent. Reading back I was supposed to tell y’all about the goings-on on the R.I.G., right? Okay here goes.

’Obvious’ R.I.G. news: ‘Obvious’ ‘cos it’s stuff that’s quite evident, but never knew it was this bad. Obviously (there’s that word again) the R.I.G.’s filled with only guys and some folk spend as much as two months here so it’s quite understandable that folk, especially the married ones, would have needs after spending a week or so. Recently discovered that there are some species on this underground club cum bootcamp that oughta be in another line of work, at least one that keeps them on land.

Feel particularly bad for some newbie on the R.I.G. who’s getting married soon. Dude has serious cold feet and asked some married folk for advice. Problem is the two guys he chose seem to be illegitimate sons of John Witherspoon. “So u scared ur wife-to-be might be jigging someone else while u on the R.I.G.? Why bother? As u see me I’ve got 5 kids and if my wife chooses to mess around the better for me. Every time I see her it’s just gonna be Bang! Bang! Bang! and that’s it. As long as she’s had kids for me who cares what she gets up to. So long as she’s ready for the Bang! Bang! Bang! when I’m around, I’m cool.” After 3 days of listening to The Witherspoons dude stopped calling his fiancée, totally convinced that she’s up to no good.

I’da advised him I know, but lately I don’t even trust what comes outta my mouth. Peep this: a female friend from the UK called and I’d tell something was up.

Tunde: U cheated on ur boyfriend, didn’t ya?
Mate: HOW DID U KNOW?! Well, it depends on how u define “cheating”; is kissing part of cheating?
Tunde: Lol….u seeking justification from me?
Mate: Lol…okay I get what u saying. Man, I feel so bad though. I mean I love my boyfriend but I am digging this guy as well. I feel so guilty. I never thought I’d be the cheating kind……
Tunde: Babes, don’t feel bad. It happens to the best of us most times. If it’s the guilt u worried about it’ll soon pass. Cheating gets easier the more u do it.

U what?! See what I mean? I almost felt like smacking myself after I went over what I said. I mean it might be true, but this chick’s like a younger sister to me, is that the kinda advice I’d be proffering? Would I be happy if Angelina was given the same advice? Man, I don’t know myself sometimes. So y’all can understand why I didn’t say squat to that dude on the R.I.G. If my mouth had its way it probably woulda ranted off some of Kinzo’s greatest infidelity stories and that woulda depressed him even more….and cracked me up no end. Yes, I know I need help.

A few days later while flipping channels I came across some WWE fight and mate and I sat laffing at the absurdity of the thang when another dude walked in and cracked up as well. I said, “Lol….can u imagine that folk actually pay to see this live?” Dude replies, “Yeah…and that big busted chick in the front row sure looks delectable.” Huh? This dude had arrived only a day before! The next day, while telling someone about my girlfriend Angelina same dude said, “Angelina’s so fine I’d sell my soul for one night with her.” If tomorrow is judgement day/And I’m standing on the front line/And the Lord asks me what I did with my life/I will say I spent it with you (Angelina)……..and He’ll say please step to hell. Lol….let’s just say I quickly ran to the Xtian fellowship soon afterwards.

Yeah, almost forgot to tell y’all that I was asked to preach at the fellowship. U know that sit-at-the-back-pew-and-hope-nobody-notices-u thang I am wont to do? Well, I got caught out this time. As turnout was quite low some Sunday I was asked if I’d take the mid-week service. I asked, “By ‘take’ what do u mean exactly?” Dude who suggested it laffed and walked away. The ff went thru my head: Man, what am I gonna do? I’d always back out, but then folk would call me a wuss and that wouldn’t exactly cut it, u know being the ADS and all. Hmmm, maybe I’d feign illness…but then they’d ask me to preach at the next opportunity. Hmmmm, I’d always preach about love. That’s easy. Love thy neighbour, love thy fellow members of the R.I.G., love thy wife….nah, that might set off too many thoughts. I know what I’ll do, I’ll pray.

So I prayed to God for something I’d talk knowledgeably about, but nada came to me. The mid-week service came and went and I still didn’t have nada, so I asked to take the Sunday service instead. Again I prayed, okay that’s a lie; I kinda coasted the rest of the week. Sunday came round and when it was an hour to go I suddenly remembered I didn’t have a topic so decided to lock myself in my room and not come out until something was revealed to me. Lord, You know me. You know I joke about a lot but I really need Your help here. Look Lord, Arsenal’s playing Man Utd at the moment and I’d be out there watching the game but I’m here talking to You. You know that’s gotta count for something. Please reveal a word, a passage, anything that I can honestly talk about…….and I know I might be taking the piss, but please help Arsenal not lose the game…..and while You are at it please help The Colts win Super Bowl XLI.

As it turns out a passage (Psalm 91) a friend’s mom told me about came to me and while reading it I obtained a new meaning, so that’s what I preached about. I’m sure it was the shortest message they ever heard at the fellowship, but it struck a chord with me……and not only did Arsenal not lose that game they beat Man Utd……and discovered yesterday Tony Dungy’s Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI. Thank You Lord. Er, any of y’all got prayer requests? Ha. Tot ziens and God bless.

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