Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Hola peeps. ¿Cualquiera hacia fuera allí desea conseguir casada? Prometo que seré un buen marido. How was ur weekend? Yet another wedding by a mate on Saturday, but couldn’t make it as the venue was all the way in Ibadan. Man, I wish I’da gone though. Just so much fun to see all these folk getting hitched. Not so much for Miguel though. Lol…when I told y’all dude was desperate to get married y’all thot I was joking, right?

Another blog starting with marriage u say? Well, don’t blame me, maybe it’s just my way of telling the world that I am indeed ready to get hitched………as if. Actually, the topic came up after a conversation with a friend acquaintance yesterday. She’s…hmmm, come to think of it I dunno this chick’s age. Okay, it’s safe to say she’s >25 years old. Point is u’d sense the joy in her voice when she told me her boyfriend had proposed to her. Don’t know her too well, but I can bet as soon as she agreed to his proposition she musta thought, “Phew. Finally, I am not gonna be a bridesmaid forever. Now I can placate the rest of my single friends who are desperate to get married with the trite tripe, ’Oh not to worry, a good man will come along soon enough.’ I’m free, I’m free, I’m free. I cannot wait ‘til Monday to show off my new rock.”

Earlier in the week I received an email from another friend in the UK. She’s…..now this is getting ridiculous. I’ve known this chick for about 10 years and dunno her true age. What’s up with women withholding their ages?! C’mon, please! Woosah…wooosah. Anyways, this friend of mine sent an email pouring her heart out about how difficult it is to find a decent black man. First reaction was to crack a joke about the advantages of being a man and the benefits of polygamy, but curbed that urge. See, I am learning. Really felt for this chick ‘cos even though she’s British she reminds me of most Naija chicks in diaspora: reasonably successful, got their own homes, seem to have no obvious flaws, but they desperately need a BLACK man that’s willing to be exclusive with them alone. Actually know a Naija chick who moved from the UK ‘cos she got tired of the same ol’ same ol’ and felt “there are no decent Naija guys in the UK anymore.” Awwwww….would u like some WHINE with that cheese; or maybe u’d wanna listen to a Mario WHINEans CD?

The thang is I’ve noticed this phenomenon around most black women (African American, British, African) and think it’s my duty as ur fav blogger – I’d better be ur fav blogger or else!!!!! – to state some facts that might help alleviate those heart palpitations the next time u receive a wedding invite from that friend – u know, the one with so many skeletons in her cupboard she’d be an undertaker - u thot would be the last person to get married:

1. Guys are programmed differently from y’all. Most women have been planning their weddings since they turned 5, but guys generally make the decision to get hitched almost overnight. Why do u think I wear a ring on my pinky finger? So just in case I make up some morning and feel like getting married I’d propose to the first good-looking chick (with a good job) I see. Hey, I love living on the edge.

2. Two words: Interracial dating. Always couldn’t for the life of me get why some black women would diss black guys as being punk ass ne’er-do-wells, then turn around and get upset when they see black guys with someone from another race. I mean if they so bad u’d be pleased some other woman wants their knuckle heads. Guess this is not much of a problem with Naija chicks in Naija ‘cos all they got is black guys. But to y’all black chicks in diaspora, why the aversion to date folk of a different race?

Okay maybe I’d stop joking about this ‘cos I know how serious it is. If u reading this and really fretting about finding a partner all I can say is chill. I know it sounds trite, but us guys could be blind at times (okay most times), but e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y we’ll see the light and see what we’ve been missing out on all this while. If u take something away from this blog though let it be this: don’t let ur desperation show. Years ago, there was this chick that asked me for my genotype on first date. I’m sure she had valid reasons for this line of questioning. For example, she might wanna make sure I was of a compatible genotype before deciding to invest in a relationship, or she might be a vampire with a penchant for a particular blood type. Needless to say this chick, who was subsequently nicknamed ‘Bloody’ by one of my smart-alec brothers, was erased from the potential girlfriend radar..

Now contrast Bloody’s story with that of Miss G who I met in the ATL. When we met I was 26 and she was 31 and even though it was the ATL (which has a 10:1 ratio of girls to guys, and that’s being conservative) this chick wouldn’t ‘settle’ like most chicks in the ATL, i.e. hoping that dude they’re dating would choose them out of the 5 other chicks he’s dating. During one of our numerous conversations she said, “I know I’m at that point in life when women my age start to fret about marriage, and I know I might never get married, but there’s no way some guy’s gonna be with me and be with other women. If he can’t be with just me, then I’ll be fine all by myself”. Man, that blew me away. There is nothing more appealing than someone who’s ready to stand by what she believes in. If I wasn’t a broke graduate student and she’d been ready to move to Naija I swear I’da married her, much to my mom’s chagrin. “How can u marry an African American, let alone one who’s 5 years older than u?! O Lord, where did I fail? I knew I’d not have let him go to America”, she woulda screamed. Lol……man, that woulda been hilarious. Hmmmmmm, come to think of it maybe I’d give Miss G a call. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Bumped into an old mate from boarding school few days ago. She’s been married 5 years and is currently preggers with her second child. Man, I’m old. If I remember correctly I used to have a li’l crush on her ‘cos as soon as she told me who she was – hey, u can’t blame me, 14 years is a long time – I immediately blurted out her birthday. Peeps, in case u don’t know I have this uncanny ability to remember inconsequential stuff like faces; events; birthdays; first movie I saw with a chick, possibly what the chick was wearing; li’l facts that escape minds of saner people; etc. That’s why I keep telling y’all I’d be a great husband……okay, if happiness in a marriage consists of remembering anniversaries and in-law’s birthdays. Thang is I’m crap at names or things peeps tell me a few minutes before. Sad thang is peeps tend to think one is insensitive is one forgets their names. So in case I’ve done this to u I sincerely apologize. If it’s any consolation u are not in a class of ur own, and besides I’m working hard to solve this. Now, when I go out with a mate and someone introduces themselves I whisper person’s name to mate and ask them to remind me before the day’s over.

Yeah, back to old boarding school buddy. So, after squealing with delight that I recalled the day she was brought into this world, she does the ah-so-annoying married woman routine: “Oh I notice u don’t have a band on ur finger. Are u married? No? U should o. It’s the best thang that ever happened to me…..” Lol….I know she means well, but the not-so-subtle winks at her lady friend - who just happens to be….wait for it….SINGLE - was a bit OTT. Man, hope she’s not gonna try hook me up. Wait, she’s married and pregnant so I presume she cooks. Guess being hooked up over dinner at her place wouldn’t be so bad after all. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Yeah, speaking of hookups my bro-in-law called and said he knew this chick who’d be perfect for me. He said she’s a fine Igbo chick that works for a tabloid – the magazine I told y’all about, a few blog entries ago, that keeps tabs on Big Boys and Big Girls in Nigeria. I politely declined his offer for a number of reasons.

a. Her job. I mean it’d be ace to get my profile out there since I plan to run for President one day, and what better way than a girlfriend who writes for a top selling magazine. Problem is what if the relationship doesn’t work. Hell hath no fury like a woman whose articles get published every week. PH Big Boy dumps gorgeous, potential Pulitzer Prize-winning, girlfriend for primary school girls. Cites R.Kelly and Michael Jackson as heroes.

b. Her ethnic group. Y’all know I have no problem dating anyone from any part of the world, but to realize my Presidential ambitions an Igbo chick is not best suited right now. Lemme explain. Presidential elections in Nigeria are gonna take place next year and all we hear is some region of the country or other clamoring for the post ‘cos “it’s now our turn”. Is that what Nigeria needs now, a rotational presidency? What if the ‘chosen’ candidates from the selected region haven’t the gumption to do a good job? (More on that later) Anyways, if the Naija political bigwigs are still that backward thinking by the time I am ready to kick off my Presidential campaign it’d help to have all my cards in order. Peep this:

a. My dad’s Yoruba and from Ile-Ife, which is the supposed cradle of civilization. That’d placate the Nigerians from the West.
b. I grew up in Lagos, so that’s the West sorted as well.
c. My mom’s Delta Ibo, so that’s South-South sorted.
d. My best mate Mohammed is Hausa Muslim, so that’s got the North taken care of.
e. I went to boarding school in Warri and have worked in PH. This helps me to understand the pains of the people in the South-South, especially chicks in the University of Port Harcourt.
f. I have a Calabar brother-in-law so that further strengthens my South-South base.
g. Another brother-in-law’s from the East so folk there should be placated. If they complain further I’d be forced to play the Biafra card. U see my Ibo name’s Emeka, same as Ojukwu’s, the still-widely respected Igbo leader. Ojukwu studied in the UK, so did I; He’s got a beard, I have a goatee….and not opposed to growing a beard; He served in the Civil service and was paid pittance, I spent a year in NYSC getting paid bucks that’d make Kunta Kinte laugh at my punk ass; He served in the army, I did a stint as a cub scout; He married an ex-beauty queen, I’ve dated a few. Check mate, baby. Oh man, this is too easy.

At this point only folk with a grievance would be folk from the Middle Belt, and don’t think they would be mollified by the fact that I once had a roommate from Plateau State. That’s where I hold the trump card; if I do get married to a chick from the Middle Belt then that should satisfy a majority of Nigerians. Yes, yes, I know I’m a genius…….with a killer six-pack.

Global political news: After the kidnap of 2 of its soldiers by Hezbollah the Israeli Defense Minister swore to “rewind the clock on Lebanon by 20 years”, and by golly, dude’s keeping to his word. Most folk, including the UN, have criticized Israel for “disproportionate and excessive force” against Lebanon, but the Israelis don’t appear disturbed. Almost as if they’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this forever. This scenario kinda reminds me of my neighbor and I. This dude, along with my bro Akin, was responsible for whupping me black and blue when we were kids. These dudes would take our (smaller kids on the estate) bicycles and when we’d ask for it back they’d kick our asses. Anyways, the years roll by and I’m enrolled in boarding school where u gotta defend urself – was one of the smallest dudes in my year – so I got into fights with mates and those 1-2 years ahead of me. As a result, when I’d come home for the holidays I’d hope Akin or said neighbor would antagonize me so I’d get my revenge for all those years when I was beat down. Problem is at that point dudes were more interested in girls than bothering me. It still hurts ‘til this day that I’d not get my licks in. My neighbor’s now married with the cutest baby girl. Hmmmmm, maybe if I nick his daughter’s pacifier and let him know I did it we’d finally come to blows. Hmmmmmm, it’s a plan worth exploring when next I’m in Lagos.

Local political news: As mentioned above Nigerians stand to elect a new President next year. People say it’s time for folk from the South-South region to assume the post as they’ve never ruled the country before, even though Nigeria’s primary source of income (petroleum) is mostly explored there. One of the leading lights of this campaign is a South-South governor though in almost 8 years dude has nada to show as improvements in his state. Punk ass punks. Another equally appalling argument’s from the North. Folk there are saying it was agreed that after OBJ’s term ends the Presidency would rotate back to them. It was agreed?! What’s wrong with our so-called leaders? Is the Presidency a piece of pie to be shared as they deem fit, regardless of what the Nigerian populace thinks? Shame on them.

Entertainment news: Wasn’t it Aristotle that once said, “If ya papa no get money no be ya fault, but if ya papa-in-law no get money then u are to blame”? No, it was definitely Miguel that said it. Dumb punk. Anyways, I thought about Miguel’s saw after it was brought to my attention that Melanie B/G of the Spice Girls fame and Eddie Murphy of the Nutty Professor movies are an item. Apart from those black women (see above) who are happy a black male celeb’s finally dating a black (okay she’s mixed race, but let’s not tell them) woman I dunno know who else should be celebrating this. Both their careers are in the doldrums right now. Wouldn’t it behoove them to date folk with higher profiles or current successes? It was ‘cos of something like this I dumped Samantha Mumba from my list of crushes many years ago. Chick wasn’t doing much with her career at that point then makes it worse by showing up to the Spiderman 2 premiere in Leicester Square with friggin’ Sisqo, who by then had transmogrified from Sisqo the Dragon to Sisqo the Lizard to Sisqo back in Dru Hill hoping for one more hit to Sisqo who can’t afford any more hair dye.

PH news: Nada exciting happened over weekend, though went out for a bit on Friday with mate (and his brother, and their girlfriends). This time it was mate’s brother’s girlfriend’s turn to try hook me up with her friend. Chick wasn’t bad, but not my type. At this point is where a female friend of mine in Lagos would pull her hair out asking, “What’s ur friggin’ type? I always try to hook u up and that’s always ur answer. What’s ur friggin’ type u closeted gay guy?!” If I’m being honest I’d say that’s the perfect excuse to give when u don’t fancy the proposed hookup. Ha. To be honest not sure I have a “type”. If there’s anything I’d say all ex’s have had in common, apart from the fact that most of them wore glasses, I’d say it’s killer smiles – hey, maybe I’da been a dentist - and laughs. U what?! Yup, I’m a sucker for laughter as well. Yes, I know I’m weird. There was this girl who was a potential girlfriend-to-be, but for some reason I didn’t dig the way she laffed. It’s weird I know, but just couldn’t stand the laff. Saddest thang is I couldn’t tell her, I mean what use would that serve. We still close friends now, but anytime she laffs I just wanna pull my ear drums out.

Hey, some guys like full-figured women, others like skinny women. Me? I am a smile-and-laughter guy. So sue me. I’m not saying I’d totally reject a chick if I hate the way she laughs, but it’d be a factor to be considered. Going back to Black Spice Melanie B/G. Gorgeous chick, right? Good. Ever heard her laugh? Ugggghhhhh. Forget her laughter, ever heard her speak? When she conducts interviews u almost wanna tell her to shut up and sing her answers instead. Another example, Halle Berry. Now every man would agree that Halle’s stunning, with a beautiful smile. Ever heard her laugh? Man, it’s awful. Now would Halle’s awful laughter stop me from being her friggin’ doormat if she asked? Heck no. But if I was the last man on Earth and both Halle and Queen Latifah required my attention I’d give the Queen her dues first ‘cos she has a great laugh. Do u guys now get where I am coming from?

This is the point when female friend mentioned above would say, “Tunde, u are so superficial. How can u not go out with someone ‘cos of the way they laff?” Hey, wouldn’t y’all rather hear I’m single than celebrate at my wedding only to read some weeks later that PH Big Boy smothered his wife in her sleep ‘cos he couldn’t stand her laughter? C’mon be honest, how many of y’all would visit me in jail if the latter scenario took place? Exactly; just as I thot. If it’s any consolation I’m sure some women have rejected me ‘cos of similar “silly” reasons. There was this chick I met at a club in Bradford that was at least 6’ tall, and the reason she gave for not dancing with me was ‘cos I was too short. I responded with one of the corniest lines ever: “Is that all? By the time we are done dancing u’d look up to me.” Ugggghhhhhhh. Man, even thinking about that makes me wanna puke in my mouth. Lol…..in my defense that wasn’t an original Tunde line; gleaned it from a mate who’s vertically challenged and always fancied himself as a playa. Funniest thang about that incident? It actually worked. Chick cracked up and agreed to a dance. Dunno if she looked up to me at the end of the night, but I can bet that’s one of her fav cocktail party stories.

More PH news: Last Thursday (13th July) was Nengi’s birthday so showed up at her mate’s – where she’s staying for the week – and there was no food. Her excuse? “The main party’s tomorrow night. There’ll be food and drinks and all.” C’mon. Almost retrieved the present I got her. And to think I skipped out on lunch that day just ‘cos I thought she’d cook. Man, Nengi and I are gonna have to reevaluate our relationship. Her mom can throw down in the kitchen for real, but why couldn’t Nengi have inherited that trait? Had to wait ‘til 10pm that day ‘til her friend showed up with some takeaway. Caught a cab home immediately after.

Yeah, yeah, FINALLY got meself a cab driver that’s agreed to show up at mine by 6.30am. Is he any good? Dunno. Someone hooked me up on Friday (14th July) and ‘cos I’m obsessive-compulsive like that I decided it’s best for us to embark on our cabbie-client relationship at the start of next month. Boy, was I wrong. Woke up late on Monday to find that it was raining like some bloke called Noah had just finished building a boat. Was so intense an umbrella alone wasn’t gonna suffice. Had to put on a raincoat – club gives u one on date of resumption – that was 2 sizes too large. Last time I wore a raincoat was probably in primary school. As if those memories weren’t bad enuff I discovered to my horror that the color of the raincoat is bright yellow. Yellow?! That was last season’s color. Besides, it doesn’t bring out my eyes, which most people say are my best features. Wink. Wink. Still got soaked as heck ‘cos couldn’t get a cab and had to ride a bike with my raincoat on. No one told me to contact the cabbie the next day. Oh yeah, in case y’all were wondering it’s poor etiquette to use an umbrella while ur commercial bike driver’s getting soaked.

It didn’t rain on Wednesday (19th July) and all seemed right with the world ‘til my mouth started hurting. Never have I felt such pain…and it came on instantaneously. Man, don’t think childbirth is half as painful as what I went thru. Ran to the club clinic and was kept waiting for at least half an hour. I kept punching the walls to take my mind off the pain. Eventually, I was directed to a doctor and he did his usual thang: prescribed some tablets. Now if y’all know me u know how much I hate tablets. I’m fine with injections, but cannot stand to swallow drugs. I gotta psyche myself for at least 30 mins before I pop in an aspirin tablet in my mouth. So just in case I become Africa’s best loved President and my rivals assassinate me by fabricating a suicide occasioned by ODing on drugs, y’all should scream blue murder…….or maybe black murder would be more appropriate.

Anyways, the doctor prescribed some drugs and after pleading with him he agrees for me to be prodded by a needle just this once. I step into the private room and a nurse – hey, anyone ever ask why most nurses have big bosoms? It’s almost like a HOOTERS franchise in that clinic – asks me to drop my pants for the injection. I may have been delirious from the pain caused by the mouth ulcer but I’da sworned the ff exchanged occurred:

Nurse: Please drop ur pants.
(Nurse then proceeds to dab the top part of my right – blistered – ass cheek with alcohol)
Nurse: Hey, what caused that blister?
Tunde: It’s a long story.
Nurse (after pulling out the injection): Maybe u’d have that blister looked at. I’d…..(she then goes on to grab my butt)
Nurse: Man, that’s the firmest butt cheek I’ve ever felt, and I’ve been doing this job for a long time. Do u work out?
Tunde (blushing): Why, thank u. Yes, I do work out.
Nurse: Are u serious? Man, the butt cheeks are real firm. If I was 25 years younger and wasn’t married…..
Tunde: Why, thank u.
Nurse: How old are u?
Tunde: 30 in October.
Nurse: U telling me u gonna be 30 in October?! Unbelievable. U have the butt cheeks of a 20 yr old. Man, I’m real impressed.
Tunde: If u impressed by that u’d see my six-pack.

At least that’s the way I remember it. Tot ziens and God bless.

Spoke to a number of married men and they let me understand how serious this marriage issue really is; from now on I’ll try my best to treat it with the solemnity it deserves. Think it’s also time I stopped obsessing over women who are engaged/married. As of this moment I’m moving on and letting those in MEANINGFUL relationships be. Yes, that’s right, I have finally accepted that Angelina’s never gonna leave Brad for me now that they have a kid together. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my new love of my life………
Isha Sesay.

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Thank God God no be man o / For if God be man o / I for don die o / I for don kpeme o

Hola peeps. ¿Desee saber lo que significa el título? This blog title was culled from a song I heard when I went out last month. It’s my new fav song and is now the ringtone on my phone. Hey, maybe this new phone’s not so bad after all. So how y’all been and how did u spend ur weekend? Went out with my mate on Friday nite. Yes, same dude whose girlfriend seized the car keys last time. This time nothing that dramatic happened and it turned out to be quite an interesting nite.

Friday: Mate picked me up from a reception I was attending for some older colleagues who were taking on new roles away from PH. Wasn’t gonna go, but the prospect of free food drew me to the venue like fly to dog doodoo. Can’t remember much about the evening, but must confess that the spring rolls (and sauce dip) were outta this world. Thinking about it now makes me wanna drool…oops, too late, I hope my mate doesn’t notice I his laptop. Shigata ga nai. Okay, like I was saying, dude picked me up and we drove to UniPort to pick up his girlfriend. Man, my heart was pumping like an athlete’s (on steroids). UniPort, finally! Y’all must forgive this somewhat uncouth behaviour. U see, I never did the whole let’s go pick up chicks from the local university thang ‘cos only spent a year in a Nigerian university and the school was so small one could literally stroll from one girls’ hostel to the other. So u can imagine how I felt.

Had planned to use the opportunity to check up on the UniPort chick I met at Lulu’s last time, but called her earlier in the day and she said she was ill. I know what y’all are thinking, “So why didn’t u check on her?” Remember, this was the same chick who wanted me to speak to her friends after our second conversation. If I’d gone to her room with my mate she might have thot something along the lines of, “Woah, this dude came all the way from town to see me ‘cos I told him I was ill. He’s everything I thot he’d be. I think I love him. No, screw that. I do love him. I see my babies in his eyes…”

Lol…okay, that may be a bit too much, but after the conversation with mate on way to the university I thot it best to be cautious. U see dude had met this cute chick on a Sunday and they exchanged numbers. Chick (who’s got a job by the way) calls him on Monday and asks that they meet for lunch. Later in the day, she says she wants to see him again so he picks her up after work and they hang out. By Tuesday, they meet again and he says he’d see this weird look in her eyes. Hear him, “Dude, na so the chick look me up and down come tell me say she love me. Couldn’t believe what I was hearing so asked her if she knew what love was? I mean, I’ve known this chick for only 2 days and yet she loves me? I know my lyrics are good, but they aren’t that good. Even after I told her I have a girlfriend she said she’d not mind waiting and would be totally happy with my calling her whenever I am bored. O boy, I fear o.”

Anyways, we pick up his brother and his girlfriend on way to the university. By now I’m panting like a dog, u know, ‘cos all this is new to me. So we get to his girlfriend’s and she walks out with her roommate. Lol…seems these folk thot I was bored the last time we went out so decided to get me a chick this time. Man, people never learn. We go to Best Bite and notice my hookup’s actually not bad looking, and she’s light-skinDED too. Oh man, this is turning out to be a good nite. We chat for a bit and I find that she actually lives in PH when school’s not in session. I tell her about me and ask her the most pertinent question of the night, “Do u cook?” She laffs and responds in the affirmative. Man, it just keeps getting better. Since I put my foot in my mouth with the Nengi incident I’ve missed out on quality food, and the lady selling roast plantain and fish isn’t back yet (WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN? DOESN’T SHE KNOW THE PAIN SHE’S CAUSING ME?!), so now that I’ll be getting my own place I need to diversify my food source. Craving for home-made food’s so bad now that I call all mates who I know have passed by PH sometime in their life and ask them to hook me up with chicks who’d be platonic friends, but can cook. So far I’ve gotten just one number, but with this new chick and, if I’m real desperate, the neighbour that fancies me, then it’s 3 chicks on the cooking rota. Not bad going, me thinks.

Okay back to the outing, at Best Bite we saw another live band, but this time it was fronted by some dreadlocked dude who does brilliant covers of current Nigerian hits and can switch lyrics to suit the audience. Dude calls himself Don The Tax Collector, and thot that was a funny stage name ‘til I saw his act. This dude “collects his tax” by picking on a wealthy-looking audience members and screaming at the top of his voice ‘til the poor individual pushes significant sums of money in his direction. Crazy hilarious. Discovered he was not the only one pulling this grift when we went to another venue with a live band. In this case the band has a bare-chested male dancer who gyrates in front of clients ‘til they pay him off like Don. After the band finished their set said dancer came over to our table and started doing his thang in front of me. I laffed and asked him why he picked me. “Chairman”, he replied, “I sabi say na u be chairman with that big boy phone wey u get.” Yup, this new, sleek phone’s da bizness.

The night ended after we had danced the night away at ILLUSIONS night club - which is the first nite club I’ve been to without soundproof. I swear I wonder why people pay to get in ‘cos u can hear the tunes spun by the DJ a street away. My hook up wasn’t much of a dancer, but spent most of night hanging out with her ‘cos wasn’t gonna jeopardize a potential source of cooked food. It was when we got to my mate’s that I realized it might be safer to learn to cook ‘cos I think my hookup’s got multiple personality disorder and ain’t no way someone like that’s cooking for me; she might end up adding sugar to rice thinking it’s cereal. Serious.

I discovered the chick has a pre- and after-clubbing personality, which is weird considering the fact that she didn’t have much to drink and hardly goes out on the town (well, at least that what she told me). Before clubbing this chick had a soft voice, almost whispery, and spoke to everyone in English. After we returned to mate’s from the nite out her voice became gruff and every word that came outta her mouth was in pidgin English. It’s almost as if she had been pretending the whole nite and got tired of her act. Man, almost called an exorcist when she displayed her true colors. Maybe that’s what I get for not checking up on that other UniPort chick. U live and learn, eh?

Saturday: After mate dropped me off at the crib on way to work I shaved my head - hey, my mom might pay me a surprise visit and wouldn’t want her going off again – and did my laundry. Lol…man, it sounds so posh, huh? I say ol’ chap, I just did the laundry. U see, I put some detergent in a plastic vessel, ran some water until it lathered, put some clothes in the veseel, and then proceeded to massage the clothes between the palms of my hands. Ha. Back in Lagos the help did the washing; in the UK and US I used a washing machine. It’s amazing what PH’s done to me; almost like I’m back in boarding school, but without the garish uniforms and constant floggings. Until I get someone to do the washing or hook up a washing machine – I already told the plumber in the new crib to make the necessary connections – I’ll be ‘doing the laundry’ myself. Oh the pain, the pain.

After laundry I called the UniPort chick (not the psycho one) to make sure she was feeling better – see, I have a heart – then read and napped for a while in preparation for the World Cup semi-finals this evening. On Thursday, was told that some bloke from boarding school would be getting hitched in PH today, but didn’t feel up to it. When other boarding school mates informed me that they were in town and would be going for the night party I decided to meet up with them at the crib of another mate. Took a cab there and…..hey, did I tell u that new cab driver mate hooked me up with disappointed me as well? What’s up with lazy cab drivers in this town? The first time dude picked me up he seemed responsible so called him some day to take me to the office. We agreed he’d show up at 6.30am, but dude didn’t show up ‘til 7am and blamed it on traffic. U what? At frigging 7am?! Decided it’s best I saved up and fixed my ride in Lagos. Sorry about that, had to get my transportation problems off my (ample, waxed) chest.

So back to what I was saying (typing?)? Took a cab to mate’s house and was ace seeing these dudes again. Some of these guys I hadn’t bumped into in 14 years! For most of my time in boarding school I was rough, didn’t give much damn about my appearance or studies or much of anything, and real playful. Now I am laid back, give a hoot about stuff (especially the state of Nigeria, and my six-pack), but still playful, and I love that about myself. Seeing these guys again made me realize how amazing it is that folk change physically, yet remain the same. Among the guys at the crib was this dude who instigated most of the trouble in school. Dude spent Saturday night at my crib, but by Sunday morning he had discovered a place to buy weed. Lol….man, I have lived in this place for almost 2 months now yet I didn’t know weed was sold by my crib. See, peeps hardly change. Also saw this brainy dude who, back in school, always felt like he had to justify his every decision. Yup, he hadn’t changed either. Then, there’s the nerdy-looking dude who’s now married and loves football, but is still nerdy-looking. I’d go on and on.

Anyways, we leave mate’s house for the night party and returned to my crib about 1am Sunday morning. As expected, there was no power and was gonna turn on the generator when I realized I hadn’t much petrol in the tank and the World Cup finals would be shown later in the day. Hmmm, should I make life more comfortable for these dudes I’ve known for almost 20 years or let them sleep in darkness so I can be among the estimated 1 billion people who’ll be watching the World Cup finals? Screw 20 years of friendship, I always wanted to be a statistic anyways.

Okay back to the night. So we get to the venue and it’s deader than dead, but music’s good. As there were few women around guys were scrambling to hook up until another boarding school mate, who lives in PH, showed up with a car full of fine ass UniPort chicks. Man, I’d hang with that dude. The weed guy I told y’all about also showed up with some chick that practically oozed sex appeal. Serious. This girl wasn’t that fine, but she just had that aura about her that Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone’s xter) in Basic Instinct did. The kind of aura that makes the average guy think, “I know I am married, got a good job, a lovely family, I’m respected in the community et al, but I’d risk all that just to sleep with this chick.” Yup, that kinda sex appeal.

Conversating with this chick when she tells me she’s from Akwa Ibom and attends UniPort. A Calabar chick in PH! Man, if there’s a worse sexual stereotype I haven’t heard one. Ha. So she stays in PH, huh? Good. I ask her if she can find her way around the kitchen, she laffs and says she can. She then asks if I am married and I tell her I am not. She looked disappointed. Huh? Yeah, don’t get why. Tell her about my experiences since I moved from Lagos, the places I’ve visited, and new crib. She tells me she hardly goes out – like I’d fall for that 2 nites in a row – ‘cos she used to be huge and has lost massive weight so her clothes don’t fit anymore. Uh uh. She also goes on to suggest ways to furnish my crib. “U’ll need to buy a mattress, microwave, curtains…..” Uh uh. Man, someone do a DNA test on this chick just to confirm if her last name’s Einstein. While proffering suggestions on how to improve my crib I notice ‘Sharon’ looking in the weed guy’s direction. Ask about her relationship with him and she says, “oh, he’s just my uncle’s close friend.” Sure. After the party we get back to mine and she stays in the spare room, while another mate, weed guyher uncle’s close friend and I share my room. Woke up to take a pee and her uncle’s close friend is not in the room. “Oh well, he’s probably gone to have a smoke”, I tell myself. When I finally woke up I find her uncle’s close friend sound asleep. My spideyroach senses start tingling and then I burst out laffing ‘cos her uncle’s close friend, during his er, cigarette break, mistakenly brought back a pillow from the spare bedroom into my room. Lol…..we all adults, why did they think they had to pretend?

Later in the day while everyone’s having breakfast and I’m sweeping (sorry vacuuming) my room Sharon comes into my room and hears my new ringtone. “Oh I love that song”, she exclaims. “How much did u get the phone for?” I tell her, and she screams, “Omigod, omigod. I’d love to own that phone.” Lol…..man, never seen anyone get religious about a phone before. She then goes on to comment about the huge apartment and asks if mine would be the same size. “Of course, I am from Texas”, I tell her. She laffs and keeps going on about my phone and how she wishes she’d afford one just like it. “Maybe if u worked real hard u can afford one like this some day”, I reply. Lol…guess I’m not too conversant with this aristo/sugar daddy thang, huh? Okay enuff about Sharon.

I struck up a conversation with this other chick at the party. Turns out she’s NOT a UniPort chick, so I guess that may be why I enjoyed talking to her. So we talking about this and that when I make my excuses so I’d say hello to the bride and groom. By the time I return this chick’s disappeared. I later find her crouching behind some flower beds. “Oh I am so sorry”, she said, while swigging her 5th bottle of Guinness. “U see my brothers just walked in and I don’t really give a damn what anyone thinks about me, except family. I reckon they might be upset ‘cos of the number of guys I’ve spoken to today. U are the fifth one, as at last count.” I’da been upset, but for the fact that she had committed to cook for me before her Houdini act. Oh yeah, almost forgot to tell u that this chick also looked disappointed when I told her I wasn’t married. What gives?

Sunday: Woke up early to clean the house and finish the laundry. Okay, woke up earlier and just lay in bed thinking about my life. I thought about the party last nite and how a bunch of reasonably successful guys, single and married, in their early 30s were chilling with university chicks. My worst nightmares have been realized: I had become a stereotype. The party scene reminded me of my childhood and parties hosted in my house by my oldest brother Tayo. I’d be upstairs watching these guys in their early 30s chill with UniLag chicks that had been ‘shipped’ in for that purpose. Just like the party last night, back then I saw married guys with kids stepping to these university chicks, only difference is nowadays guys don’t need to lie about their marital status. I am not a saint and I am not condemning the married guys for doing what they do, it’s just that maybe I’m real scared I’ll end up like that. Goodness knows I’ve had ‘principles’ (not cheating on girlfriend, not stepping to a chick with a boyfriend, not stepping to an ex’s friend/acquaintance) that I’ve broken over the years and I’m afraid that the remaining few (not cheating on wife, not stepping to a married woman, etc) might just crumble if I’m not careful.

Maybe I really should be more careful about my interactions with women. Just yesterday I sent a text message to a female mate teasing her about her friend not wanting to go out with me. “U had better be careful or the girl might actually think u are serious about dating her”, she replied. I laffed at the message and thot to myself, ”Hmmm. This friend of hers is quite cute and it might be fun to see how far I get with this chick. I know at this point in my life I’d be careful what I say to women. No more causal-jokey ‘my wife-to-be’ or ‘my true love’ ‘cos not all chicks would think I’m joking. Okay, maybe I’ll hang out with this cute chick when next I’m in Lagos and see what develops. Dunno much about her but know she’s got a short fuse. Hmmm, do I really wanna mess with another chick with those traits? Goodness knows I’ve had my fair share of those. Hey, I sure remember Girlfriend N. Man, she was fine as heck but had a temper on her. Never met any girl that sensitive about everything. Used to be scared to go out to a restaurant with her some times, ‘cos she always had some gripe she’d to see the manager about. Used to plead with her not to say nada, not ‘cos of the waiters’ feelings, but ‘cos I was sure the waiters would spit in our food for revenge. Okay, maybe it’s time to stop thinking and respond to this chick’s text message.”

Anyways, so back to Sunday. While dong the laundry (and still thinking about my life) it occurred to me that I’ve never wholehearted gone after a girl. With everyone that turned out to be my girlfriend there was always a ‘backup’(s) in case my efforts failed. In some cases the ‘backup’ was actually the frontrunner ‘til she did some stupid stuff or the other that made me hold back. U know how u hear about guys who have been after a chick for months, sometimes years, until she acquiesced to their professions of love? Always wondered what that’d be like.

Maybe it’s a good thang I went to the party last night. It was a light-bulb moment. From now on, okay let’s see how it goes for a few months, I’ll concentrate all my efforts on one girl. Yup, just one. And I think I know just the one. She’s fine as heck, got a toothpaste commercial smile, and we talk almost every other day. (We are at that point in our friendship when the girl knows the guy likes her, but dude hasn’t come right out and said it, and girl’s afraid to broach the topic just in case her intuition turns out to be warped.) Problem here is this chick’s got a boyfriend, but seeing as it’s a principle I have broken countless times (see above) I don’t really see what the problem is. I mean, how are we sure she’s REALLY happy in her relationship? I might just be the knight in shiny Armani suit she needs. Yes, after doing the laundry, and cleaning up the house after my guests have left, I’ll settle down to the Special Edition DVD of The Usual Suspects (which is the best movie ever), and call this chick just before The World Cup final kicks off.

The power situation put paid to my DVD-viewing plans so called the girl and we spoke for at least 2 hours. Man, it was excellent. As it turns out there was more to the girl of my dreams than I thought; she’s smart and funny as well. This was the ‘breakthrough’ conversation that I didn’t want to end even though both elbows was aching. It was everything and more…..and then I discovered she no longer has a boyfriend. Good news? Nah, dude’s now her fiancé. Ouch. Alanis Morissette eat ur heart out. Man o man.

So there u have it folks, just when I thot I was out the ‘backup’ lifestyle pulls me back in. Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, July 07, 2006

Virgin Nigeria are punk ass punks. One should boycott these lazy, inefficient punks.

Hola. Ofrezco mis apologías sinceras por el título. Just crazy tired of crap customer service. Got to the airport last Friday 2 full hours ahead of schedule to discover that the 1705 flight I’d been booked on was delayed for 4 hours. Meanwhile, the 1830 flight was scheduled to take off on time. Later discovered that the latter flight wasn’t disrupted by mechanical failures or bad weather (or whatever crap excuse these guys puke out) ‘cos most of the seats were chartered by some multinational firm. Man, I went ballistic and ranted and raved and was all up in everyone’s face I felt like I was a guest on Jerry Springer. Was actually surprised at my behavior ‘cos normally I’da accepted the airline’s fake apology and settled down for my 4-hour wait. U know what? It worked; I got put on the 1830 flight….okay, the flight actually took off about 1855 hrs, but the point is I didn’t have to wait endlessly at the airport for stuff that wasn’t my fault. This again proves my point that the guy with the loudest voice also gets his way in Nigeria.

So alles lekker? How was ur weekend? Mine was hectic. Realized it’s not smart to make loadsa appointments with peeps when all u technically have is one full day in Lagos. Got to the house on Friday and was ace to see everyone after a month away. Most family members were actually more pleased to see my new phone than moi. Told y’all they were the ones who jeopardized my old phone! Man, kinda miss my durable, golden oldie. U could drop that phone from the top of the Eiffel Tower and nada would happen to it. Apart from making calls and sending text messages it was also a chick filter. When I’m about to take a girl’s number I give the phone to her to input the digits. If she goes on and on about how crap the phone is then I ain’t calling her. Was very effective in weeding out the chaff.

Okay, sorry to digress. So got home on Friday about 8pm and proceeded to watch what was left of the Italy – Ukraine game. The World Cup’s been okay ‘til date, but the incessant diving’s pissing me off. As usual the English fans ain’t accepting that their team wasn’t up to scratch and are blaming Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal for their woes. As if. I’d hoped Germany would go thru to the finals after their display throughout the tourney but it wasn’t meant to be. Yeah, where was I? Yeah, after I got home stuffed myself with meals prepared by my mom and stepmom. Another dividend of polygamy.

Woke up early Saturday and…..no, gast to tell y’all this. Walked into the kitchen while mom was preparing dinner on Friday night and she looks at me weird.

Mom: “Hold on, come closer. Hey, are u going bald?”
Tunde: “Yeah, right at the center of my head here.”
Mom: “Are u sure? Seems like it’s a problem with lighting. Tell the help to get me my glasses.”
Mom (after inspecting scalp properly): “No, it can’t be. Tell the help to get me that monocle.”
Mom (after adjusting her monocle….and stroking her pet white cat): “Yeah, u are going bald! How long has this been happening?”
Tunde (trying not to laugh at this incredulous spectacle): “A year maybe. Why, what’s the problem? U probably never noticed it before ‘cos my head’s always shaved.”
Mom: “No, u can’t be going bald. Where did u get it? No male in my family’s bald and same with ur father’s.”
Tunde: “Well, I suppose someone has to start the trend and…..”
Mom: “God forbid. How can u be bald? U see what happens when u don’t listen to ur mother? Back in ’92 when u started shaving off all ur hair, wasn’t I against it?”
Tunde: “But….”
Mom: “Well, what u have to do now is rub some aloe vera on ur head.”
Tunde: “U what?”
Mom: “Seriously. It helps hair grow.”
Tunde: “No way that’s happening. Look…”
Mom: “U see, not listening to me again, huh? Okay, at least go shave it all off so people don’t know.”
Tunde (now laughing hysterically): “I thought u were against me shaving my head in first place.”
Mom: “U’d better leave my sight before I say something I might regret.”

So there u have it folks; my mom, epitome of vanity. On Saturday think I met a girl I might just marry. I know this is sudden, but since everybody’s getting married I reckon I might as well join in. How long have I known this chick for? A month, but she said something to me the other day that made me realize she’d be The ONE. While chatting online she put up picture after picture, and when I commented on how nice she looked in all of them, she informed me that her hobby’s taking pictures ‘cos she’s a bit vain. Are the wheels in ur heads churning yet? No? Okay lemme explain why she’d be The ONE.

From my research I found that at least 40% of marital squabbles result from wives and mothers-in-law not getting along. The way I see it both my mom and this chick love taking pictures, right? I’ll have a camera around so when they start going after each other’s throats, I’ll ask them to pause for a photo and by the time I’m done they’ll forget what the fight was about in the first place and go back to trying to outdo each other for my pleasure. Yes, I know I am a genius.

Speaking of marriage, on Friday night I struck up a conversation with some American expat on his way to Lagos. Discovered dude’s been married for 38 years and proposed to his wife 14 days after meeting her. Yes, 14 whole DAYS. Told him if I ever did that my mom would smack the back of my head – let’s not even mention what she’d do to the chick – ‘til I came to my senses. He laughed and said both he and his wife’s folks were startled when they told them, but they let them go ahead with their plans. In my mind I was thinking, “that’s ‘cos u guys are white.” This guy’s immensely successful and told me without God’s blessings and his wife he’d not be where he is now. With his resolute faith in God and continued love of his wife this dude felt he’d accomplish anything. Boy. After hearing this dude talk about his wife I felt like getting married; and this is a refreshing feeling, unlike my bro Akin’s stories of infidelity that crack me up, yet leave me apprehensive.

This was the second time someone talking about their spouse has made me long for marriage. First time was in the church in the States when some woman was giving a testimony about her husband. I swear if I was as secure financially as I am now I’da proposed to my girlfriend at the time. Thank goodness I didn’t ‘cos it woulda been a disaster. Lol. Anyways, this brings me to a conversation I had with a close friend last week. She wanted to know why I joke about everything. Told her I wasn’t sure, and that if I’m being honest this propensity for joviality has resulted in some of my relationships ending prematurely. After I got off the phone I thought deeply about what we discussed and realized that I’d learn to curb this joke thang. In all honesty I think I use it to hide or mask pain. If there was a theme song to my life it’d probably be Tracks Of My Tears and/or Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles. My late night self-therapy led me to believe that this might be the reason why I’m so scared of committing to a long-term relationship that I know may lead to marriage. Maybe I subconsciously jeopardize a good thang if I know it’d lead to ‘…in sickness and in health…for richer for poorer…’. Think it’s about time I opened my heart to y’all. U see, I’da been married earlier, well, not married, but, twice, I thot I’d met the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. The resulting pain from what I went thru with both chicks has made me guarded ever since; worst of all, I was totally clueless as to what went wrong. Here’s what happened: The very first one really had the worst words for me, she told me I was such a loser and that’s why she was gonna break up with me. The very next one told me to please forgive her, but that she was having someone else’s baby girl. Can U Imagine That? Lol….man, I kill myself.

Maybe I just cannot stop this joke thang and that’s why I know my wife’s gotta be special in order to deal with this schtick of mine. I know (okay I hope) I’ll make a great husband and father, it’s just there path to get there that I’m a bit wuzzy about. For instance, take the proposal process. Does one do the traditional (read corny as hell) go-down-on-one-knee or do u use the R.Kelly approach, i.e. “Hey baby, U Remind Me Of Something, u know something like my jeep. We’d go Half On A Baby”? To y’all who are as confused as moi out there I’d advice against the former, it’s just bad luck. Peep this: some dude in UK went down on one knee and proposed to his chick as they were leaving the movies. Fellow movie-goers stopped and applauded (and male patrons probably got nudged in the ribs a few times by their girlfriends hoping for similar treatment) and all was well with the world. Fast-forward 3 months and the girl’s got a restraining order out on the dude. Lol…another funny proposal incident happened at a party in the UK. (Pls don’t ask me what’s up with corny-ass behaviour of Nigerians in the UK; maybe it’s the crap ass soap operas they watch.) Everyone’s dancing and all of a sudden the DJ starts playing Jagged Edge’s Let’s Get Married, and this dude goes down on one knee, starts blubbering like a whale and asks his girlfriend to marry him. No word yet on how their relationship’s developed, but I guess every time they have an argument the girl disses him for proposing to her with a song that basically says: We both old and I am scared of losing u ‘cos I can’t afford the house rent on my own……u know that white dress that ur sister has, er, can u borrow it and meet me at the altar….okay, if I’m honest I wanna marry u ‘cos I just discovered this tax law that gives larger refunds to married folk…let’s just get married…..the law might be repealed soon. Yup, real romantic.

So back to Saturday (finally). Stopped by former employer’s to see a mate. Man, miss that place, and the people too. Oh well. Then, tried to get in touch with lady making t-shirts for moi but couldn’t so went to see 16 Blocks with some friends. Not a bad movie, in fact better than I expected. The ending just killed me. Nice, real nice. Ran home in time to see Brazil lose like the punks they are. What was up with Ronaldinho’s Wonderwoman head band in the first half?

Later in the evening my dad came in from his travels. Met him in private and dude railed at me for not contacting him for 2.5 weeks. Was gonna switch into ‘US talk-show guest’ mode, i.e. blame someone else for my problems, when the dude reminded me that I acted the same way while based in Abuja. Come to think of it, the dude’s right. I apologized profusely and let him go on about proper way to act and all of that. When he was done venting we started chatting about mundane stuff. Man, that’s why I love my dad. Let the dude vent and matter’s resolved as if nada happened in the first place. That’s something I picked up from him. My mom on the other hand? Man, that lady just has to give her opinion about everything and it’s a trait I’m trying to curb. Lord, help me. Okay, so dad’s asking me about the new job and life in PH and all that. Then, he throws a curve ball by asking about most recent ex. I tell him she’s fine and that we talk now and then. Dude then wants to know if we’ve “resolved” the matter between us. I laugh and tell him there’s nada to resolve. He shrugs his shoulder and we continue talking about football and other exciting stuff like….hold ur breath…business. Lol. Man, ex musta left a positive impression on the dude. Either that or the dude was so happy at the success of my sister’s wedding he’s keen to have another soon, or dude’s probably worried his daughters are getting hitched and his sons don’t appear to have any intention of going that route anytime soon. While other dads count sheep in order to fall asleep, I’m sure dude’s singing: 2 daughters and 5 sons left in my house, 2 daughters and 5 sons left; if all goes as planned and Seyi gets married by end of year then I’ll have 1 daughter and 5 sons left in my house, 1 daughter and 5 sons left…….

Woke up early on Sunday just in time to attend the 7.30 service at church. Man, sure miss congregating, seeing as I’ve not been to church since my arrival in PH. Hmmmm, maybe that’s how the PH girls get ya. They make u so comfortable u actually forget about church….hmmmmmm, maybe I’d stop smoking weed. Afterwards, stopped by my uncle’s after church and told him how things are going in PH. Dude seemed pleased someone’s following in his footsteps – yup, he used to be a dancer as well, albeit with a full head of hair. Got home to find Kemi (my sis who recently got married) and her husband Ike at the house. Was ace seeing them. Jide had stepped out so it was left to Loye, Ike and myself to pick on Akin. Remember I told y’all that his ‘girlfriend’ had caught the bouquet at a friend’s wedding earlier in the month? Well, was gonna tease Akin about it when he said he was aware of that fact. Said it wasn’t a big deal as she’d caught the bouquet at her sister’s wedding late last year also. Man, that just opened the floodgates. Poor chick was christened the ‘Bouquet Catcher (BC)’ – that’d be the title of a Hollywood movie starring J.Lo - by the time we were done with Akin. Turns out that the Bouquet Catcher’s been moved down Akin’s pecking order of potential wife-to-be. Lol…sounds just like a game show, huh? The ‘girlfriend’ du jour is some chick from PH. Yup, PH chicks even leave their shores to get their man. I just hope that the BC’s not pinning all her hopes on Akin ‘cos if there’s one dude that’s not susceptible to pressures from family (both hers and his) or friends it’s Akin.

Update on life in PH: Ended up not taking the MTV Cribs-type house I told y’all about last week. Decided on a cheaper 3-bedroom place (hey, I still gotta floss) below my mate’s apartment. Yup, didn’t have a clue the place was up for rent ‘til a neighbour told me. Hope to move in at month end ‘cos the landlord’s still fixing the place up. Where are those guys from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy when u need them? Maybe we’d have a Nigerian version of that show. Yeah, right. If we did the guys would probably present the show in disguises ‘cos u can bet ur last Naira they’d receive death threats. Lol.

Yeah, think neighbour who told me about house fancies me. It started so innocently. She commented on “liking my style” ‘cos she’s only seen me with one girl (Nengi). I laughed and told her Nengi was just a friend. After doing the typical female are u sure? Are u sure? Are u sure she doesn’t like u? thang and moi responding in the negative, she then warned me against PH chicks and suggested I’d get my girlfriend from Lagos to visit me in order to ward them off. As soon as I told her I wasn’t seeing anyone in Lagos I saw the twinkle in her eye and immediately regretted that statement. Since that fateful day she’s been stopping over “just to say hi”, etc. Need to find a way to let her down easy. I have considered the ff:

1. Invent a girlfriend:- First, she’ll know I’m lying, except I make up one in Lagos. Second, she’s the same chick I told y’all took an okada down the road to throw away dirt. If I tell her I have a girlfriend, who’s gonna help me throw away rubbish from my new crib?
2. Use the Homer Simpson technique (i.e. tell her I am gay):- This would never work in Nigeria (see above). Besides, she might feel it’s her job to ‘straighten’ me out.
3. Use the cuz Femi approach (aka the Usher song technique):- My cuz (when he was still single) introduced us to this technique that musta been passed down from one player-wannabe to another. If u find that a girl likes u and the feeling’s not mutual, tell her she reminds u of some girl that broke ur heart and as such u cannot be with her. Tried it last month and it worked like a charm.

Called the chick from the University of Port Harcourt and before I’d say hello, she apologized for flashing/beeping my phone and said it was a mate of hers playing tricks. Am I to believe that? Then again, the chick’s got this cute li’l baby voice and from what I remember she’s quite fine. Of course I have to believe her! Lol. Plan to hook up with her this weekend just to make sure she’s as fine as I remember (hey, saw her in a niteclub setting and we all know the miracles most chicks can do with makeup and minimal lighting). Shall keep y’all informed. Hey, a note of caution about this chick. In only our third conversation she’s passing phone to her friend who then tells me, “…heard a lot about u, hope we can meet u soon”. U what?! Either my Barry White-esque phone voice is the bomb or I made a huge impression the night we met. As stated earlier, shall keep y’all informed.

Did I tell y’all about chick that gave me a ride 2 weeks ago? It was raining and she asked for my help in getting to her car since I’d an umbrella. Seeing as I’m a real gentleman I went out of my way and walked with her for the 5-7 seconds it took us to walk to her car. She offered to drop me off at the club and I accepted. As I was about to get out she offered her business card and told her I’d not return the favour. Not that I was playing hard to get, but the fact is I don’t have any bizness cards. Yeah, that’s another reason why I miss the old job. Here, u gotta be in management to get a bizness card. No, I am not joking. Sometimes I feel like I’m working for the CIA ‘cos once I leave the club’s premises I gotta take off my ID card ‘cos peeps in PH get real jealous if they find that u work for the newest break-dancing club in town. Why? Dunno, just what they tell me. ‘Cos of that I’m afraid to tell peeps I meet where I work; it’s almost like the movie Candyman. I’m almost frightened if I reveal where I work some 7ft black dude with a hook would appear and dice me like shish kebab.

Sorry, back to that chick. So I call her on Monday to thank her for the ride and then she tells me she’s gonna stop by the club later in the week. She calls me on Wednesday and we meet for a chat. Then she tells me her uncle’s in management here (probably has a bizness card) and whips out her phone so I’d talk to him. “Hi uncle, hold on for a friend of mine. He’s a new employee here.” I talk to the dude and thank him for his time. Need to know as many folk in management as possible as it helps in networking, but hope the chick doesn’t tell him we more than friends ‘cos experienced stuff like that in the UK and wasn’t pleasant. Peep this: ex’s uncle requests we meet him up for dinner after he discovers we both work for the same company. Dude’s great company and all and suggests I send him my CV so he can peruse it and make adjustments in case he comes across a position I’m fit for. The next day he calls ex and asks her about her “man”. Ex explains that we broke up a while back, but still hang out ‘cos we tight friends. Later in the week I forward my CV to this dude and that’s the last I hear from him. If that happens in this case I might be stuck doing head spins in some dinghy corner for the foreseeable future.

Okay peeps. Off to write a letter to Virgin Nigeria asking for the head of Richard Branson. Tot ziens and God bless.

Just heard a new PH-ism: moneria (rhymes with malaria). This disease affects most guys 2 weeks after payday when their numerous PH chicks feel like a nite on the town.

Just saw the video of the official World Cup song by Toni Braxton and Il Divo. Man, Toni’s still as fine as ever but that chick’s becoming Li’l Kim-lite. It’s a friggin’ song about sports, Toni. Wear a footie jersey or something! That’s typical case of a woman who’s fine and knows she’s fine. Either her husband’s paying her too much attention and tells her she’s crazy fine every moment he gets, or dude’s not giving her the time of day. Remember Aaliyah’s I Miss U video? Even Li’l Kim had the good sense to cover up, but not our Toni; she wore negligee to a video shoot celebrating the career of a recently departed singer.

Just discovered that last few blog entries have centered on my relationships with women. Sad, real sad. From hereon end we going back to ranting about the state of the country. Capisci?

Someone (Miguel) just sent me another link of sister's engagement pics. Told y'all Miguel's desperate for a wife.

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