Sunday, July 18, 2004

Hey Tunde, baby I got ur money.....

Okay, a number of u have contacted me about how my last blog helped y’all in ur ‘grief’. I’m really glad to help, honestly I am, but it seems y’all don’t get how this works. I give y’all advice and y’all send me cheques, cash, even mango lassi and plantain chips are acceptable. What’s wrong with y’all?!!! Don’t u appreciate my efforts? Don’t y’all know how much it takes outta me – emotionally and physically – to let y’all into my experiences? I am not joking. For example, after the excruciating efforts of my last blog I woke up the next day and found that I’d lost almost all the hair on my head. Y’all aren’t gonna recognise me now. Remember how my flowing locks always fall across my face when the wind blows, well nada happens now. Oh my beautiful, beautiful, blonde locks are no more. Oh the pain, the pain. How am I gonna cope without a full head of hair? Maybe some money will help me out. Please, please, please send those cheques as soon as possible. Just to whet ur appetite for more I’ll give y’all (esp. women) tips on how to find the perfect(ish) partner and remain friends after u break up.

1. Don’t always take advice from ur mates. It’s oft said that girls mature quicker than boys. I agree, but the part no one talks about is how the roles are reversed once the boys and girls become adults and enter into relationships. B4 y’all hang me by my boxer shorts I plead ur patience. I can give u countless cases of where women have allowed their relationships to be jeopardised by ‘collective thinking’, i.e. where they let their friends influence their relationships. U see guys have learned to be wary of one another since their teenage years, but it seems women rely on their friends’ judgments ‘til they get closer to their 30s or ‘til all their friends get married. Guys recognise that we’ll lie, cheat and steal when a girl’s involved. I didn’t have an inkling of this ‘til I was 18. I liked this girl but didn’t wanna ask her out ‘til I’d done the ‘collective thinking’ thing. So I slyly asked ‘the boys’ what they thought of her and one guy was particularly vociferous about her figure. “She’s got a nice face but her stomach obtrudes so much one’d think she’s three months pregnant”, he said. It was later that I found out that he’d asked her out but she turned him down. See what I mean?

2. Don’t take advice from ur single mates. Girls, u know those girlfriends of urs who have been single since u met them, well, never, never, ever take relationship advice from them.

3. Be happy for ur friends. I once saw these 2 girls at the train station and later bumped into one of them when I went to buy some candy. I smiled at her and politely asked her what was up with her friend. She snapped and said “why don’t u ask her urself?!” Now if some girl I liked told me she was interested in a mate of mine instead of moi I’d be a li’l disappointed, but I’ll hook her up with my mate. It’s life, it happens. Most girls I know from university would never do that. Back in Bradford there was a house shared by 5 girls and anytime one of them got into a relationship the others ostracized the ‘traitor’. Guys would never do this. They’d pretend to like their mate’s girlfriend even if they can’t stand her………..that is until they ‘pretend’ to get drunk and make a pass at her.

4. Realise ur partner had a life b4 u met him/her. Guys, girls, ladyboys, whoever, ur relationship will progress smoother if u realise u can’t change ur partner until they are ready to change themselves. When u met her at the escort agency u weren’t too bothered about her line of job then, so why are u now? When u put dollar bills in his red thong at the strip club u weren’t perturbed by all the female friends he had then, were u?
Okay, I’m off to try on some wigs. Tot ziens.

Julio’s on his way back from L.A. Apparently, he couldn’t even get cast as a guy in a monkey suit for the sequel to Planet of The Apes.

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Thursday, July 08, 2004

The Self-Help Stud

Hello my peeps. I’m sure y’all are wondering where Julio is. Well, he’s, erm, well, okay he’s headed off to Hollywood to try and break into the movies. I told him it was a waste of time but he said with the state of the British film industry he has a better chance of getting struck by lightning on the same day as winning the lotto than he has of making it in the UK. I'm sure y'all wish him well.

To those of u who only watch MTV here’s a synopsis of what’s happened since I last blogged: John Kerry’s chosen John Edwards as his running mate in the forthcoming US Presidential election; Greece, yes Greece, are the kings of European soccer; Marlon Brando’s eaten his last hotdog – guess God made him an offer he couldn’t refuse (okay the last part was kinda naff).

The Olympics in Greece are kicking off in a few weeks. As usual the British team is in the papers talking on about how prepared they are for the challenge. Good, u say. But wait, what was on the back pages of the newspapers today? Click on the link
Olympian to see how ‘motivated’ some of them are. There was another picture that showed the same girl hugging another female athlete in such a position that their pelvises touched, but I couldn't find that online. Hmmm, this reminds me of a few years ago when a British female tennis sensation was profiled in a newspaper. I expected to read about her intense training regime and her plan for beating the Williamses. Nah, this girl talked about how she hopes to use her body to make more money than Anna Kournikiva. Needless to say she’s disappeared off the tennis radar since then. Instead of wasting her time on tennis she’da spent her childhood preening in front of the mirror and saving her wages from McD’s towards her imminent boob job. Can u imagine how huge (pun intended) she’d be now? She’da been Britain’s answer to Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-etc.

Okay, y’all remember I promised to expatiate on the advice I gave in the last blog? Well, here it is. These points have been gathered from my experiences. Read them and weep..or laugh….or do whatever u feel like doing. Here are Tunde’s extended tips on how to get over that broken-heart:

1. Don’t listen to music or watch TV. Don’t listen to the radio or play CDs or watch TV until u are sure u’ve moved on. Take it from me, as soon as u break up with someone u really cherish everything reminds u of that person. At that time I couldn’t fathom how Bryan McKnight and Babyface knew what I was going through. Lionel Richie must have also had an inkling about my feelings, and so did Ozzy Osbourne, Metallica, Ice Cube, MC Hammer, etc. Catch my drift? EVERYTHING, even those crap ass elevator music, reminds u of ur ex.
2. Take time to move on. It’s no competition, although sometimes u may feel like it is. Here’s a myth that needs to be destroyed: there’s no such thing as THE ONE. The One is whomever u end up with. Accept it. I’m giving y’all valuable advice here. Next time, u guys are gonna have to fork out mucha dinero for my book. Even if u move on b4 ur ex don’t rub it in her face by taking an ad out in the local paper telling everyone about how much finer ur new girl is. Stuff like that could come back and bite u in the arse. Some guy did this and everyone later found out his new ‘girl’ was actually a ladyboy from Thailand on a student exchange.
3. Get a decent shoulder to cry on. After I broke up with this girl I was still sullen after 2 weeks. And that was a record for me ‘cos I usually ‘move on’ with the crack of dawn. Anyways I decided the best way to move on was to sleep with as many random strangers as possible. B4 y’all look down on me I’d let y’all know that there were mitigating circumstances. U see, the nite the girl and I “officially” called it off I called my best mate Mohammed and told him about it. He showed up to mine about an hour later (as I was torturing myself with the new Babyface album) and the following conversation ensued:

Mohammed: “How u doing?”
Tunde: “Man, it’s over. I knew I shoulda ended it ages ago like I wanted to and not listened to u.”
Mohammed: “Take it easy. U know these things happen. U are a man.”
Tunde: “U don’t say. I try to tell u I’m hurting and the best u can do is affirm what I’ve known since I was born. Of course I’m a man! I took a piss just b4 u came here and I didn’t have to crouch to do so; I looked in a mirror afterwards and my facial hair kinda confirmed my masculinity also. Is that the best advice u got?! Man, I wish I were a girl right now. That way I can be sure my girlfriends would offer me some tissue, tell me how beautiful I am and we’d splurge on ice-cream and listen to Alanis Morrisette CDs.”
Mohammed: “Forget this. Let’s go out. Maybe what u need is some new arse.”

So we went out and I got off with some random girl who was, erm, kinda big boned. Okay, okay, she was at least twice my size. Sure, go ahead, laugh. U wanna tell me y’all have not done worse? Anyways, she takes me back to her’s and I spend the night, but nada happened. Honestly, nada happened, I couldn’t bring myself to do stuff. As it turns out she shared a house with 3 drop-dead gorgeous girls – which is a reversal of the norm where good-looking girls always surround themselves with way uglier ‘friends’ (aka slaves). Always wondered if they did this to make themselves feel better when they have bad hair days or a terrible case of acne. Here’s the kicker: one of the gorgeous housemates had always had a crush on me and assumed stuff had gone on with me and her friend since I’d spent the night. Let’s just say that I spent the rest of my time at university trying to convince this gorgeous girl that I didn’t have anything to do with her friend………she didn’t believe me though.
4. Channel ur aggression elsewhere. See point 2 above. Join the gym, join a travelling circus if u have to. The important thing is to find something to take ur mind off ur sorry-ass-nonexistent relationship.
5. Be honest with urself. See points 3 and 4 above. Nobody knows u better than urself…..except ur psychiatrist of course, but that’s a whole different blog. If u know junk food’s gonna provide temporary relief, go ahead and sign up for a position at ur local fast food franchise. If u act real desperate I’m sure they’ll agree to substitute ur wages for greasy food.

Okay people, now u know what to do and what not to do. I shall be looking forward to ur stories on how my methods have helped y’all - please attach a cheque made out to “The Self-Help Stud” when u do so. Tot ziens.

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Saturday, July 03, 2004

Thank God for my Mom

Y’all, please thank God for my mom. Found out her car got shot at but no one was seriously hurt. Stills feels pretty weird.

Had a bbq last Saturday to commemorate my younger bro’s 21st birthday. It drizzled a li’l bit, but I doubt if snow woulda halted that bbq. It turned out to be more like a party, what with my friends and my 3 siblings’ friends coming over. Combine that with the fact that for every Nigerian invited to a shindig at least 2 more folk are bound to come along with him/her.
Funniest highlight of the day occurred about 8pm. I invited this Asian guy I met about a month ago to the bbq. He came along with his mom and his 2 sisters. They only stayed for a minute and I actually thought that the sea of black folk musta driven them away. It was later I found out that they had a prior engagement. Yesterday, they invited me for a bbq they are having on Sunday. Let’s see if I’ll be the only black person there, just as Marco was the only white guy at my bbq. Gotta give him props though, he blended in quite well. His palate’s now used to so much spicy food I am thinking of recommending him as a candidate for the Honorary Nigerian award. :-)

Went to the evening church service on Sunday ‘cos stayed over at mate’s on Saturday nite. On our way home in the wee hours of the morning he told me about a mate of his whose girlfriend cheated on him. U see this guy’s based in the UK and did his utmost to get the girlfriend here from Nigeria. After having spent only 2 weeks here she was caught out sleeping with another guy. Now her boyfriend’s wondering if he was a mug for sacrificing to pay for the cost of her airline ticket. When I heard this I couldn’t help cracking up. It’s not that I’m insensitive, but if u think about it it’s real funny….well, maybe the mug doesn’t find it funny, but humour me for a minute. There are obvious positives to be gained from this situation:

1. The guy’s found out what his girlfriend’s truly like b4 getting married to her. U can’t tell me that she wasn’t communicating with the guy she cheated with while she was in Nigeria ‘cos if the guy’s someone she just met in less than 2 weeks then he must be real slick. So slick he’d be teaching classes.
2. Now he knows what his girlfriend felt like when he was messing around on her while she wasn’t in the country. Maybe this will teach him to appreciate women more….or maybe this’ll push him over the edge and he’ll become a full-blown misogynist. Either way no hair off my bald head.
3. I got a good laugh outta this predicament. I mean this guy was like Morris Chestnut’s xter in The Best Man. He didn’t believe his girl would ever creep on him. Remember what I told y’all in the last blog: what goes around comes around.

Honestly, I’m not insensitive, just realistic. I’ve cheated on all my girlfriends bar one and I’ve been cheated on also. Note: if u are one of my ex-girlfriends u’ll have to wait ‘til my book comes out to find out if it’s u……forget it, for a carton of mango lassi and a pack of toothpicks I’d probably tell u. Ha. Seriously though, I don’t condone cheating, it’s just that if y’all aren’t married u have no reason to be angry forever. I’m still in touch with most of my ex-girlfriends. Why, u ask. Well, there were reasons, other than physical attraction, that made me commit to a relationship with them. So there’s no reason to stop communicating once our ‘relationship’ ended. I’m not saying u don’t hurt when a relationship ends, but once u get over it, don’t dwell on the past. Most peeps I tell this either say I’m foolish for still talking to girls that cheated on me (guys) or I’ve never been in love so I don’t know how much it hurts when a relationship ends due to infidelity (girls). Hey Bobby, what’s French for cow dung?

Here’s advice to y’all out there pining for someone who’s left u (I shall expatiate on these points in the next blog):

1. Don’t listen to music or watch TV. Don’t listen to the radio or play CDs or watch TVs until u are sure u’ve moved on.
2. Take time to move on. It’s no competition, although sometimes u feel it is.
3. Get a decent shoulder to cry on.
4. Channel ur aggression elsewhere.
5. Be honest with urself.

So now that I’ve given y’all free advice, hope y’all can send ur donations to Tunde’s Fund for Publishing His Future Bestseller and Buying A Performance Car. Yes, I accept credit cards and cheques.

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