Monday, May 23, 2005

Yes, I am just as fickle as the next man...

Hola peeps. Que pasa? Y? Had car problems again and getting real tyred (geddit?) of this. Was so frustrated the first thought that popped into my head was about returning to the UK. Then I remembered that mechanics all around the world act as if they know it all and then they prove to u that they are just as bad as the one u left. Was driving home with my brother about 8.30pm when the car I’d had serviced only 3 days before stopped abruptly. As is the norm around Lagos the streetlights were out so turned on my hazard lights, popped open the hood of the car and pretended to know what I was doing. Five minutes later my brother screamed out my name and I looked up in time to see a car ram into mine…and my car banged my right knee. While arguing with the punk who hit me some other car narrowly missed us and rammed into the kerb, messing up his front wheel. That was it, I couldn’t take anymore. I got my other brother – yes, now I know why my dad has loadsa kids – to tow the car and returned home. Got the mechanic to look at it the next day and he said this or that was the problem so I gave him some bucks to get started. When he got my ride back to me he’d used up all my gas - even though his garage is 3 minutes walk from my house - and my car sounded like a lorry. Returned my ride to him and when I checked up on him a few days later he apologized for….messing up my ride further cos my headlights got hit by a car reversing in his garage. Man! Gave the car to another mechanic and now it purrs like a kitten. Here’s praying…

Just saw Arsenal beat Man Utd in the FA Cup final even though we didn’t deserve to. It causes one to wonder what God does when two opposing fans pray to Him about an important match. Hmmmm…

Guess what? In order to raise more money I’m thinking of joining the ranks of Nigerian actors. Yes, the movies are crap and most of the actors read their lines like there are held at gunpoint, but I need the money. Screw that, I just wanna be in the movies so I can showcase my white teeth. U know how they say TV adds 10 lbs to ur weight, well it seems u gain whiter teeth along with the weight. I think I can hack it as an actor so long as I don’t have a starring role in any music videos. Man, I’d crack up if I was made to do the oh my girl has left me and I can’t live without her or I’m so sexy dancing in the rain scene that one sees in most music videos. Man, Brandy looked like a twat dancing in the rain in the Afrodisiac video. That reminds me, ever notice anyone try as hard as Ashanti to be sexy and not succeed? Man, almost feel bad for her. At least she’s doesn’t seem as desperate as Mariah Carey.

The French Open’s starting soon and while watching snippets of past tourneys I realized that tennis players are generally good looking. I bet u can’t name an ugly tennis player off the top of ur head. Elite sport indeed. Hey, u can’t blame them though as with almost everything in human life looks play a real important part. Well, everything apart from People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People list, where fame is what’s au courant. Seems u get kicked off the list, or moved down a tad, if you stop being relevant. It’s not that u no longer beautiful it’s just that u are now a beautiful, irrelevant person in a town where every other person is beautiful and trying their hardest to be relevant. Case in point: Vivian ’50 Cent’s sugar mama’ Fox. She was on the list after Independence Day came out and now she can’t even crack it anymore. No wonder she tried her utmost to stay relevant by dating 50. Shame, damn shame.

Ooops, sorry for digressing. Yeah, was telling y’all about how important one’s looks are for a time such as this, wasn’t I? U see 2 weeks ago a girl I’m digging contacts me and asks for a favour as she can’t get time off work. I attempt to carry out the favour for her but was told she’d have to be present in order to accomplish the task. I stopped by her office to deliver the message and she looked downcast and batted her lovely eyelids at me. I convinced her to ask for an hour off and I took her to get her stuff done. On our way back I had a flat tyre and my ride messed up – but I got it fixed. After I dropped her off I suddenly remembered that this chick has her own ride! Damn, so why did I have to go outta my way to drive her around? Guess her beauty had me dazed. Now if it’d been a less pretty girl that had asked for the favour chances are I’da stopped by her office to explain why I couldn’t help her with her favour – hey, I’m nice like that – but I sure wouldn’t have driven her around. Hey, it’s life I just live it.

So what u guys been up to, getting married? The marriage thang seems to be in vogue right now. Recently discovered that one of my fav female friends, who used to date my brother, is getting married in December and I couldn’t be happier for her. News like that gets one thinking – and I’ve been doing loadsa thinking lately cos the power outage’s been outrageous and one’s forced to think about life, about anything, when one can’t sleep cos of the heat – how strange life is. I know I wanna get married, I know I am gonna get married someday but the question is to whom. I’ve met a few chicks since I’ve been back and they all have their li’l things that I love, nah like, yes LIKE, about them but how does one get all these things packaged into one person? Guess marriage’s a mindset, when u ready u’ll find most of the things u like in one person and learn to ignore the stuff about her u can’t stand. It just seems like bloody hard work, especially as I don’t wanna be a statistic: one of the many who cheat on their wives. Maybe if I cut down on flirting with everyone I’d be able to make my mind up about one person. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, not to self: reduce the flirting. Maybe I’d see a shrink or talk it out with someone cos I seem to be digging a hole for myself. There was a time at Bradford when I addressed all chicks as Hey gorgeous, then I moved on to Hey babes, then Hey girl, now the designate du jour is Hey love of my life. (When I was much younger it was mostly Hey bingo or Hey pumpum. Long story, don’t ask). How these terms get planted in my vocabulary only God knows. I gotta stop though cos my so-called terms of endearment might land me in a lotta trouble soon. Had a mutual friend tell me that some chick’s been eulogizing my virtues and it’s partly due to the way I address her. If I keep going on like this I’d end up proposing to half of the Lagos without realizing it.

Or maybe I’d continue as I am and hope to meet chicks that say what’s on their mind so I don’t get to find out from third parties. Some chick I’d asked to go see a movie wanted to know if it was a ‘date’. That initially threw me for a loop, but I kinda respected her for that stance. Guess she’s at a time in her life where she wants to know what the score is before making an emotional investment. That tact might push most guys away since we like a bit of ambiguity but it’s better for everyone in the long run. To y’all women reading this who find urselves in a similar situation it’d be better to be more direct. Tell the guy what u want so the onus is on him. Yeah, and pls, pls, pls don’t ever ask the dreaded question: “what do u want from me?” Man, that eats at my craw. Seems women of all ages and races have that question as a trump card when they feel like they are being used, or about to be used, or wanna satisfy their conscience that they aren’t really that naughty. Y’all actually expect a guy to tell the truth in that kinda situation?!

Work’s same ol’ same ol’ and I’m officially jaded right now. Never realized women like to confide in strangers so much. Boy, they go on and on and on…and I’m thinking “pls pay me so I can go dance for someone else”. Guess I haven’t inculcated the cardinal rule of every stripper: detach urself from ur clients asap without being rude. Man, before this job I’d been to strip clubs just 2ice…for bachelor’s eve celebrations. (Hey, what’s up with bachelor’s eve parties and strippers anyways? Someone should research that). Anyways, met a Russian twin who was crazy fine. She came up to me telling me how fine I looked and I reminded her of her ex-husband. Ex-husband, huh? Good, I’m on a roll here. Made some small talk and asked if it’d be cool to get her number before leaving. No problem, she said. Then she asked if I’d like a dance. I had this diatribe in my head about how strip clubs demean women and how I’d only be fuelling the pockets of the management if I paid her to dance for me, but decided I’d sound too much like a hypocrite so I politely declined. Before I’d say I LOVE U she dashed outta my seat and into another guy’s booth. With her went my dreams of our mixed race kids and lovely dacha in her home country. I still think about her sometimes…..who am I kidding, I still think about her most times……when the wind blows or the sun shines or I feel the breath of a woman on my neck – usually my 70 yr old masseuse. Oh how I miss Katryna.

Aiight peeps, the poles beckon again. Tot ziens and God bless.

Forgot to tell u that the President of Nigeria raised over 4 billion Naira for his presidential library, even though the punk’s still got 2 years left in office. Why not wait ‘til after his term’s over? Ur guess is as good as mine. Hey, reckon George Walker Bush’s gonna have a presidential library also? Talk about a misnomer.

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Monday, May 09, 2005

A hard day's night....

Hola peeps. Que tal? Bien. El funcionamiento justo fuera del dinero y necesita un cierto malo verdadero del dinero. Que? U see I just received my first paycheck from my mates’s, erm, establishment and all I can say is the bloke’s a bastard. I’da read the small print b4 I committed myself to a 1 yr contract. Man, u’da heard them during New Strippers Orientation. “This is a cool place to work…..we’ll treat u like a person and not just a cash cow……some of our alumni met their wives here…..” Boy, was I a sucker. Their presentation was top notch and they had data on everything to prove that working for them would be the right thang to do. I’da asked them how many relationships have been messed up due to the insane work hours. The punks! It’s one month and I’m already jaded. Thought I’d be making a change in women’s lives by doing this, but now I know that all I am to my employers is a cash register. Maybe I’d knuckle down and get on with it; after all it’s only a year. Maybe if I stopped working out 2ice a day and developed a beer gut they’ll be forced to let me go. Hmmmm, that’s a wonderful thought.

Guess I’d not complain too much cos compared to chicks female relatives have tried to hook me up with most of my clients are Angelina Jolie. I am not saying my sisters’ (or aunties’) friends are not good-looking it’s just that the ones they wanna hook me up with are either not my type (okay, no teeth sucking here!) or not really my type. Does my family not have a clue about my taste in women?! Come to think about it I don’t even have a clue about my taste in women. The other week my mom actually tried to inquire about my love life - like I’d tell her squat. I told her I don’t feel comfortable talking to her or any members of my family on that aspect of my life. Man, reading the last sentence again it almost seems as if I have some dirty li’l secret I’m ashamed of. Just wanna tell y’all I’m not ashamed of any girls I’ve dated……except this one chick who peed standing up. Anyways, I’m glad my mom and I had the conversation cos I got to find out a few things about myself. I know my older sister’s from my mom’s womb cos like my mom she likes a good yarn; my younger sis on the other hand has a million friends like my mom and is just as gregarious. Moi? Let’s just say I now know from whom I inherited my knack for going off on a tangent. While talking (or trying to talk) about my love life mom she went on a rant about my nonchalant attitude, my childish behavior, the warm feeling one gets after a baby is born, my dad’s penchant for blowing a fuse at the most inopportune time, the state of the Nigerian economy, the Ozone layer, Michael Jackson child abuse trial, JFK’s controversial death, Backstreet Boys’ new CD and finally, back to my love life. Man, that’s an hour of my life I’m never getting back.

Speaking of parents I heard my dad and his mate got their passports switched at the airport even though they traveled to separate locations. It wasn’t til they got to their destinations that they realized what had happened. How’s that possible? U see an old mate at the airport and say: “Hey man, long time no see. Woah, what happened to ur afro? Lemme see the picture on ur passport. U sure have changed. Wanna see my passport picture?” It’d be my dad’s a secret agent and no one has a clue. My dad could very well be Nigeria’s answer to James Bond. He’s good-looking, women throng to him, er, er, that’s about it.

So how u guys been since my last blog? Hope y’all been cool. Been having car problems lately and if I’d any I woulda pulled all my hair out by now. The silver lining is that while waiting for a mechanic I get to see incredibly strange stuff. The other day I saw a prostitute in traditional attire. No kidding. Nearly laffed out loud cos the absurdity reminded me of some guy I saw in Oxford last winter: It was crazy cold when I saw this guy shouting at the top of his voice while walking back and forth outside a restaurant. I initially admired the guy for sticking up for his cause on such a cold day. What was the guy railing against, u ask. Animal testing? No. The dire state of the Earth’s atmosphere? Nope. Abortion? Not even close. This bloke was advocating a boycott of the restaurant he was walking in front of cos he had food poisoning and spent 2 weeks in the hospital after a meal there. I woulda applauded the bloke for his tenacity if not for the fact that the restaurant was one of those Eat-as-much-as-you-like places. So the guy pays 10 quid for a 3-course meal and expects top quality cuisine? U see if the guy had been smacked as a kid he’da known better.

Had a manicure and pedicure a few weeks back and I think I’ve become more ‘sensitive’ since then. This doesn’t make sense as it’s not the first time I’ve had my hands and feet pampered. A few days after my pampering I saw Hotel Rwanda, the Oscar-nominated movie with Don Cheadle, and got glassy eyed. Last week, I saw Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and J.Lo – hey, I was bored – and felt a slight pang during the scene with the ballroom dancing competition. What? Exactly. It’s called metrosexuality not homosexuality! A friend of mine works at a Spa – no, this friend is not a man – and has tried to convince me to visit. If a manicure and pedicure can get me this, erm, sensitive imagine what a full spa session will do. I might end up talking with a lisp and women might become attracted to me cos I’m “a good listener”. Hey, wait, since the manicure I’ve also noticed I get quite angry, and complain incessantly, at the way most peeps drive in Lagos. Damn, this transmogrification into a menopausal woman would be complete if I’d hot flashes as well. Arrrggghhhh.

Before I left the country I used to listen to a sportscaster called Larry Ichiejile (hope I spelt his name correctly) and he was ace. He’d analyze the play-by-play of the most dire football game and make it sound like it was the World Cup final. Anyways he now owns a sports radio station and I tune in to it when I wanna laff my ass off cos all the DJs try to sound like him. Serious. This is like the twilight zone, a radio station where all the DJs, even the females, sound the same. One DJ stands out though: he hosts a rock music show but sounds like a gangsta rapper. It’s rib tickling stuff. Here’s a typical update on last night’s English Premiership match (yeah, everything’s sic, i.e. no spelling mistakes here):
Kanu Nwanko, Kanu Nwankwo, Kanu Nwankwo……that pride of Afrikkkka who came back from heart surgery…….yes, him……oh oh oh….he’s so great. His SKINtillating skills have won our hearts over and over again….my my my I say……he truly is a gentle giant…..who can stop him I say, yes tell me who…..a man of many talents…….oh so great is God’s faithfulness on him…..morning by moooooorrrrnnnnning new mercies he sees……this great man’s team played last night against Chelsea. You remember the time he scored three GIGANTic goal against Chelsea? Well, that was probably at the back of the mind of all, yes I say allllll, Chelsea players…yes, he was great that day….but he didn’t play in yesterday’s game. Now to other news…

Yeah, remember how I told y’all that the Nigerian music industry’s blowing up? Same thang’s happening in stand-up comedy. Every man and his dog’s now a stand-up comedian. Went for a show two Saturdays ago and laffed my ass off. Outta about 10 comedians only one guy was crap. Not a bad ratio. Was real impressed. During one of the intermissions the DJ cranked up GIRL by Destiny’s Child. If u haven’t heard it it’s the one where Beyonce and her two backup singers go on to extol the virtue of their friendship to a female pal who’s in an abusive relationship. Blame it on the comedy in the air or the diarrhea I had, but that song got me thinking about how funny it’d be if someone composed a song empathizing with the male abuser. Something along the lines of: Man I know what u’re saying…..U didn’t mean to do it but the bitch wouldn’t shut her trap…..So u gave her one across the lips? Big deal….Buy her some flowers and tell her u’re sorry…..Stuff like that always mellows the women……
(2 weeks later) Ooops, so the bitch finally called the cops on u, didn’t u buy the flowers I told u to? U did? So what’s the pr-…oh, she’s allergic to the type of flowers u bought her….so u in jail now, huh? Who’s voice is that behind u? Is that screaming I hear? Hello? Hello? U there? Not to worry, I’ll bring some icepacks for ur arse when I visit u next week. Hello? Hey, look on the bright side, when u get out u now have the necessary credentials to become a bona fide gangsta rapper. Hello?

Peeps, it’s been fun but the dancing poles are beckoning. Tot ziens and God bless.

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