Pippi Longstocking is coming into your world whether you like it or not

Hola peeps.

Had promised to tell y’all about field visit yesterday but skipped my mind in between typing and trying to shoo away lizards congregating on bathroom window screen. I am talking lizards here not geckos, and ‘cos the screen is torn in bits I am wary of lizards dropping on me while in the shower. Was so discombobulated the other night I closed the shower door to prevent lizards from creeping into room while in bed, and it only occurred to me the next morning that they are friggin’ lizards and by their nature can crawl on walls OVER the shower door. Duh. The lizards, man, they pissing me off. You see…nah lemme get to the topic of this blog entry before I get sidetracked again.

Yeah, so went to the field last month to see staff, particularly expats like poor Indian dude who’s been stuck there for over 100 days. 2-night trip turned into 10 nights as flights kept getting cancelled ‘cos on the day of travel the President banned domestic flights. As field location is an hour’s flight away from Juba and journey by road is untenable, I kept waiting for flights to be approved and got disappointed each time. Finally escaped on April 25^th in the back of a cargo plane. Felt like a skinnier version of Vin Diesel in one of those XXX or F&F movies.

This trip was the first time I had seen the base camp constructed for staff and was mighty impressed. Good thing I ensured internet access was installed at the camp, else time there would have been more dreadful. It’s also good that I packed for a 5-day stay so didn’t have to launder clothes every other day - my Right-side Man (yes, this is now a thang so get used to it) senses musta prepared me ahead of time. However, electric toothbrush ran outta juice as didn’t take charger along. Guess Right-side Man’s powers are limited to just clothing, huh?

Man, being in the field took me back to days of boarding school and early career when I would spend ages on the R.I.G. and think nothing of it. Not sure I am equipped for that anymo’. My body now actively reacts against being deprived of home comforts like ready access to chocolate - finished large bag of M&Ms 4th night in ‘cos was so sure I’d leaving the next day - as evinced by not having doodle pangs for 5 straight days. When I did eventually go I did so twice that day and ‘cos bidet water pressure wasn’t strong enough, plus it was steaming hot for some reason, I ended up reverting to bog roll. That experience made me realize for probably the first time in my life how important left pinky finger is ‘cos while wiping butt I couldn’t help but wince, as applying pressure on bog roll in order to get a clean wipe hurt pinky so much I dreaded using the loo. Come to think of it, that musta been why I was so keen to risk a visit to The Darfurian once I returned from the field. Even sleeping was a problem as only time I slept comfortably was second night there and that’s probably ‘cos I expected to return to Juba upon waking up.

It wasn’t all bad though as got to catch up on reading, especially technical journals I had ignored for over a year, and emails. As there was no reading table in room, I mostly worked in bed with laptop balanced on outstretched legs. One time, I decided to go for a walk and it took ca 10secs for left testicle to drop. Felt like if a baby or someone without much strength had grazed balls and though it didn’t hurt much it left me disoriented for like a minute. Arrrgghhh, why is everything affecting left side of body? Guess now y’all understand why the name “Right-side Man” is here to stay.

Started and finished the novel I Am Thinking Of Ending Things and didn’t get it. Must find time to re-read it, hopefully soon, on a flight somewhere. Being out in the field brought back constant reminders of having not traveled in a while ‘cos ran outta miniature body lotion that I usually nick from hotels and was forced to reuse hotel slippers (that I also nick from hotels) even after they got filthy dirty.

Highlight of trip was watching South Sudanese colleague who was going stir crazy from being cooped up in the field longer than expected. After repeated flight cancellations I woke up one morning to find her blasting gospel music in her bid to convince God to get her back to Juba. Now I am not talking those modern gospel songs with hip-hop beats. No sirree. She treated our ear drums to Nigerian old school-aka Christian mother-no makeup wearing-gospel music. It seemed to work for a bit too as we were instructed to head to the airport but then half-way there, we got news the flight was cancelled. The next morning, she abandoned West Africa and went back to her roots by playing Dinka gospel songs. That didn’t work either, but it was oh soo entertaining to watch. At some point I couldn’t help but get in on the act by searching for ways to reverse the jinx of cancelled flights, so much so that regular, mundane stuff began taking on numinous qualities. For instance, was given the largest bar of bath soap ever on day I arrived and for a while I convinced myself wouldn’t leave the field until soap was finished, so actually considered chopping soap in half and soaking one part of it in water. #Sad

I finally stopped raging against the dying cancellation of the (f)lights and settled into a routine of sleep, eat, work, eat, nap, work, eat, sleep. One day the chef on board told us he was going to pick up foodstuff flown in from Juba and that’s when we hit upon the idea of hitching a ride back on the cargo plane. Long story short, a few calls were made, approvals from relevant authorities obtained, and we were informed on morning of the 25^th to head to the airport. Waited 4 hours for plane to arrive and another 1.5hrs to offload its contents but time went by fast. Even the lack of seat belts and sight of pilot smoking in the cockpit didn’t bother me, just needed to get home. Arrived in Juba at 715pm and hurried home before the 8pm curfew hit. Unpacked and hopped in the shower. That’s when I noticed the lizards staring at me. Aaarrggghhh.

These lizards have a set routine. Well, it began as one lizard and noticed it last year. I’d wake up in the morning and it’d be gone, possibly to its lizard office, and in the evening from 7pm it’d be back on bathroom window screen chilling. Early this year I observed they had become two, presumably the main squatter had offered to share his digs with his mate/colleague/partner/feel free to fill in the blanks or strikethrough as your imagination allows. After 10-night sojourn in the field I returned to find 3 of them, and one was a redhead. Literally. One of those lizards with grey(?) bodies and a redhead had joined in on the fun. So now I am thinking main lizard had invited his buddy to stay over and now his buddy had invited along his ginger buddy. Having 3 lizards with the ability to easily crawl through the broken insect screen while I shower was too much to handle. Tried to scare them away by soaking them with my bidet hose but it didn’t work. The two plain lizards crawled to a spot outside window where water couldn’t reach them, but that ginger punk absorbed the full extent of the water pressure and seemed to relish rubbing my face in it. Now I get why people hate redheads. Yesterday, I informed the caretaker of my apartment complex to replace the screen and she’s promised to do it on Monday. Just before bed I, am somewhat ashamed to say this now, directed insecticide mist towards the lizards while spraying it around room. It’s currently 824pm and there’s been no sight of the lizards since yesterday. Sob….I kinda miss them. Well, not the redhead.

Tot ziens and God bless.

In my great and unmatched wisdom I believe there could be some merit in not discussing that…

Hola peeps.

Just returned from kickboxing class where I went to test left pinky finger that got “manipulated” last week Sunday. I suppose some background is required at this point. On return to Juba from Nairobi on March 18^th, I went to the hospital from the airport as I had injured left pinky finger and big toe on left foot playing football 3 weeks prior. A day after injury I foolishly ran 30km+ with bum toe as part of training for now-postponed Paris marathon, then later that day I endured kickboxing session where I put further impact on the pinky finger. Prior to 10-day stay in Nairobi, I travelled to Nigeria for only 2 nights on a surprise visit to mark Mama Seyi’s 70^th birthday, yet was in such pain I made out time to have x-rays of left hand and foot to ensure nada was broken. Showed x-rays to doctor in Juba and he confirmed there was no fracture so prescribed some pain relievers and a balm. Didn’t help one bit, but I still risked one or two kickboxing sessions and at least five 10k runs with bum toe and pinky. Yup, the insuperable feeling of invincibility will be the ruin of the Nigerian Panther.

Tried everything from dipping feet in Epsom salts to ice treatments on left finger to no avail. Got so frustrated with the pain I finally succumbed to Coach’s advice to let a local “bone setter” look at aching parts. He said one of the other students broke a shoulder during a kickboxing tourney and there were scared he wouldn’t be able to fight again until the local guy, aka The Darfurian ( ‘cos he’s from Darfur…duh), reset the shoulder. I had the initial discussion with Coach soon after I returned from Nairobi and my driver overheard us talking. On ride back to the office driver conveyed he knew who The Darfurian was and said, “Boss, if that man finish with you you no come office for one week. The pain plenty much.” After weeks of procrastination I finally went to get pinky and big toe fixed on April 26^th and on a scale of 1 to 10 the pain inflicted by The Darfurian was a 50. My goodness! As it was a weekend I went with a mate’s driver and one of Coach’s assistants. Had expected some old guy with missing teeth in a dank room with bad lighting and locker full of jarred herbs, instead we were directly to a bench in an open stall. After waiting for ca 10mins – I reckon he was praying - this young, dreadlocked guy strolls up to us and the guys explain my aches to him in Arabic. He gestures me over and asks if I’d had an x-ray. Once he heard x-ray revealed no broken bones he didn’t even ease me into it like a regular medical practitioner, you know like asking me to show him extent of range of finger movement or where in particular hurts. Dude pressed down on finger and I jumped up wincing. He smiled, calmly encouraged me to sit on the bench and got Coach’s assistant to hold me down. In about a minute he twisted my finger in ways God never designed it to be pressed. As I was outside – his stall was a corner spot opened to the road – I was too ashamed to scream so closed eyes and winced and grimaced as he set about his work. He then proceeded to the toe and even though I thought I knew what to expect he cranked the pain up another gear. Got held down by two people this time as he cracked bone – yes, I heard and felt sound of bone cracking while a visage of my dead grandmother beckoned me home. His manipulations took all of 3 mins yet I sweated like I had spent an hour in the sauna. For next few nights after my experience I had nightmares about the Darfurian. Pinky finger and toe do not hurt as much as they used to but still can’t ball hand into a fist ‘cos of the pain. Even discounting  the pain, applying pressure on pinky with right thumb can’t get it to touch palm of left hand. Might need to get another x-ray as the bone in the top knuckle is clearly protruding.

Tested left foot for the first time on Thursday and completed 10k run after more than 2 weeks without running, ‘cos I went to the field to boost morale of my staff unable to leave there due to Covid-19 travel restrictions – more on that later. Ended up with blisters on other toes ‘cos was over-compensating for hurting big toe. Also wore a knee brace while running ‘cos left knee’s been hurting since last week. So if you’ve been paying attention all my current ails (pinky finger, big toe and knee) are on the left side of my body. Maybe I should change my nom de plume from Nigerian Panther to Right-side Man. Now that’d be something, a superhero that only fights on his right side and gets his ass kicked once his opponent goes to his left side. Someone should make a sketch outta that. He’d be the most useless superhero since like that crap Hanna-Barbera cartoon Birdman I saw as a kid. If I recall the punk loses his powers if he isn’t exposed to sunlight and has to outmaneuver the villain in every episode just so he can fly towards the sun and recharge his powers. Musta been a slow day in the writers’ room the day they brainstormed that character.

Speaking of flight, man, I soooo miss getting on airplanes. Damn you Covid-19! Someone said this disruption to our normal way of life is supposed to cause us to pause and think, and I agree. Can’t help thinking of life pre/post Covid-19. Prior to Covid-19, this year was looking to surpass last year and the year before, regarding travel. I woulda passed through the Juba airport at least twice a month. In February, on way back from the UK, I spent a week in Kampala applying for a Schengen visa. Initially applied through the French embassy but was told I’d need to apply at their embassy in Addis Ababa ‘cos that’s where Schengen applications from South Sudan residents are treated. U what? Get a visa to Ethiopia in order to get a visa to Europe? Nah. Planned to forego idea of European travel until a mate suggested I try the Belgium embassy. Must say that the Belgium embassy in Kampala has best service I have ever encountered. They rapidly respond to emails and are quite accommodating. Plan initially was to visit spend little time in Brussels but once Covid-19’s done I plan to really explore Belgium. Good thing I have a mate there.

During UK trip I flew to the US to surprise my sister Kemi as she turned 40. Not sure if I should applaud myself for being a good method actor or a good liar. You see I was in the UK same time as Chief and though he was going to the US for Kemi’s birthday I told him and rest of family I wouldn’t be able to make it as had to travel to Canada for a work assignment. Dived so deep into role I left for Heathrow airport earlier than planned so I could take a longer route and even changed clothes and donned a rasta wig just to put Chief off my scent. The surprised looks on family’s faces was worth it though, especially Kemi jumping into my arms. Chief likes to feel he’s a master conspirator and heard 3 hours before my arrival he had been bragging about how he successfully planned the surprise arrival of my sisters Nike and Seyi. Then lo, I show up at the door. Nearly didn’t make it to Kemi’s crib as had no data on phone and had to resort to a mate in the ATL – was all the while in the ATL when family assumed I was in Vancouver, Canada - calling me an Uber from Burbank airport to Kemi’s. Good thing I showed up at Kemi’s when I did too as the family was about to head out for dinner.

As usual, US trip was compressed but worthwhile. First night in Atlanta I tried the infamous Popeye’s chicken sandwich and had mad runs. Had it a second time in California with no stomach issues. Post-Covid I need to take some time out and really chill in the US, especially in the ATL with my two favorite women Stephanie and Tanya. Man, I miss them. Miss my nephews too. Kemi’s twin sons are so tall now it’s hard to believe they are 12. A bit worried their favorite move to yank uncle’s chain is doing the Crip walk and flashing gang signs. I know they are doing it in jest, but such actions are beyond my ken. As a 12-year old I was scared of uncle Wilson, it’s only after I started working we developed a rapport. Need to find a way to be the uncle they can rough-house with but also to take me seriously, for instance, when I advise them against “throwing up ‘em Cs”.

Last summer, tried to bond with Zane by taking him to see Hamilton to celebrate his GCSE results. As I saw him fall asleep during the first half of the play I badly wanted to grab him by the scruff of the neck and tell him how crazy ass expensive the tickets were, but then I recalled Chief taking us to see Cats as kids and all I remembered of that experience was thumbing through the playbill when we got home. Zane had more fun when I took him shopping afterwards. Bought him a Champion sweatshirt and had no clue they had become that expensive. Since we were in the West End, as payback I made sure we walked into a TUMI store so he could see prices on rucksacks like one I was sporting. You know the scene from The Lion King where Mufasi takes Simba to top of the hill and shows him what he would inherit as king? Taking him to that store was akin to that; it was my way of saying, “work hard son and one day you too can afford exorbitantly prized luggage with no clear advantage over cheaper-prized options.”

Since last blog entry we reported our first positive Covid-19 case in South Sudan (on April 5^th) and cases are up to 45 now; thankfully, there are no deaths. With countries in the region not reporting a levelling-off of cases it’s looking like I am in Juba for the foreseeable future. Bummer. The other major development since last time I wrote y’all is hitting my sub-50min 10k target. Just to be sure I wasn’t tripping I beat my record the day after I set it. Right-side Man is a baaaad man. Last week Friday, a member of running club dchose to run around the 100m perimeter of her apartment complex 421 times to celebrate her birthday. She’s been forced to work from home by her employers and as she had planned pre-Covid to celebrate her birthday by doing a regular marathon she had no choice but to hamster-wheel it. Chuffed for her. Was so inspired I planned to do my solo marathon on the streets of Juba today but trial 10k run on Thursday put paid to that. Gonna try get some more races in and make another attempt next week Saturday.

Here’s probably where you wanna ask why I am doing a 42.1km run just for the sake of it. Well, it’s complicated. Well, it isn’t really; I just wanna see if I’da been able to complete the Paris marathon if it hadn’t been postponed. Plus, I need to make use of the merch I bought. Like all the crap sold to newly-expectant parents that don’t do diddly, prepping for that marathon exposed me to loadsa stuff I am pretty sure are bogus. There’s anti-chafing cream (you can imagine my disappointment after buying a 100ml tube of the stuff to discover the store also sold their brand of Vaseline for preventing chafing as well, at half the cost); compression socks (ran with them once, not sure they made a difference so reverted to normal cotton socks); Epsom salts (a friend swears by them and says they solve her foot aches, but hasn’t worked for me…did I buy fake Epsom salts? Am I putting enough/excess in water? How long must I dip feet in Epsom salt solution to feel an effect? There a way to dip feet while asleep? After watching Trump advocate for finding ways to get disinfectant inside the human body I gave a teeny weeny second’s thought to consuming Epsom salts orally so maybe I’d feel the effects from inside out….); and KT tape (physio I saw in London also swears by them but again didn’t notice an effect….maybe I need to devise a Rube Goldberg machine that wraps KT tape around entire body like a mommy….if I do, must remember to store solid deodorants in armpits so I don’t stink up the place…the hype around KT tape is akin to aloe vera when I returned to Naija in 2005, it was supposed to be the cure for all ailments. Anyone tried wrapping Covid-19 patients in KT tape laced with aloe vera?).

Only item I bought that’s been useful is the Garmin watch. Unfortunately, it means I have had to abandon my Fitbit Fibby. Looking for a good home for her so holler if you know anyone interested. Haven’t been able to load Garmin tracker on phone as the app store doesn’t recognize South Sudan so means having to travel out of the country in order to pair phone with watch. Hopefully it’s soon but if not, maybe by the time I leave the country the latest version of Garmin Connect would have options for having an Uber or ambulance on standby in case one drops dead while attempting to complete a marathon in Juba’s 42C weather.

Tot ziens and God bless.