Saturday, June 23, 2007

Take the Golden N, take it to the tan van, who’ll take it to Dan, who’ll take it to Fran…

Hola peeps. El dios nos ayuda. How y’all enjoying the strike? Before I comment on it let’s go down memory lane.

I attended a comedy show in Lagos last October and was struck by two things. First, by the way most comedians expressed their love for Nigeria – the host even had a Nigerian flag pin on his blazer. U’d tell there’s a longing for positive change in the country.

The second? Oh nada special. Just that VIP, the Ghanaian hip hop group, performed as I was departing the venue and one of them was light-skinned. Yup, a light-skinned Ghanaian! Woah, never thot those existed. Thot they chose Jerry Rawlings as their leader just ‘cos he was lighter than everyone else in the country. And get this, none of the Ghanaian guys had jheri curls either. What’s going on, when did the tectonic shift in Ghanaian culture take place? Always heard the saying, Ko si arugbo ni Ghana (Everyone in Ghana is young), bandied about as a kid and it wasn’t ‘til last year someone explained that the term was coined ‘cos most Ghanaians seen in Nigeria – even the septuagenarians - always have jet black jheri curls with no sign of gray hairs. Lol….okay the history/geography/xenophobia lesson is over.

The goings-on in the past few days have convinced me that majority of Nigerians – both comedy lovers and those without a sense of humor – are ready to do what’s necessary to effect a positive change. Lemme say for posterity that I have never been prouder to be Nigerian. Yup, the nationwide strike organized by the Nigerian Labour Congress is on the third day and though peeps are feeling the brunt of it most folk are in support of the strike. What’s the strike about? Read current links in Articles Of Interest To Moi. Duh.

It’s 10:48 am on Friday June 22nd and no word yet on when the strike will be called off ‘cos our leaders are still acting like punk ass punks. The problem with politicians is they have too many advisers. “President Yar’Adua, if u acquiesce to Labour’s sensible demands they’ll say u are weak. U know folk already think u have a kidney problem…”

Yup, just like John Kerry dilly dallying b4 responding to the accusations of the Swift Boat Veterans, and issuing the dire “I voted for the Iraq war b4 I voted against it..” line. Man, what the world wouldn’t give for a spontaneous politician, someone who speaks from his heart instead of relying on polls and the like. Folk like Britain’s MP Tony Benn and the USA’s Senator Robert Byrd seem to be a dying breed. Well, they crazy old so they are literally a dying breed. (Geddit? Geddit? Aw, forget yous.)

Now Babagana Kingibe, a guy I always respected, is talking all rah rah about the strike being politically motivated and instructing Labour calling off the strike ‘cos most of their demands have been met. Some of us cowardly Nigerians are already singing the same tune. “3 days strike is more than enuff. I needed a break from work anyways. Now I’m well rested things can go back to the status quo. C’mon 70 Naira for a liter of petrol is not so bad. Sure, it wasn’t fair the way the Government went about things, but this strike is affecting my social life and that’s a no no..”

The punks had all of a fortnight - always loved this word ‘cos it makes me sound like Shakespeare. Why say ‘2 weeks’ or ‘14 days’ when a fortnight would suffice? - to respond, but chose the “Nigerian” way of doing things last minute. I thot Yar’Adua said things were gonna be different. No more “Nigerian time” or “Nigerian factor” as excuses for not getting things done.

I am glad I didn’t start this blog a couple of days ago ‘cos the tone woulda been different then. My Malcolm X side was in full bloom. Was on the phone with a mate on Wednesday and threw so many F-bombs she contemplated summoning an exorcist. This wasn’t the usual no cussing Tunde she knew. This Tunde was like Peter Finch’s xter in NETWORK, he was mad and he wasn’t gonna take it anymore. Peeps, I almost cried at the antics of our leaders. Have they no shame, going against the vox populi? Even though I am currently on the R.I.G. and working when others elsewhere aren’t I still support Labour’s stance. It’s high time us Nigerians paid a price for our country. U can sense there’s a change coming. As the saying goes, It’s always darkest before the dawn, what with the kidnappings, blatant corruption, and spate of armed robberies I don’t know if it can get any darker. The dawn is coming my good friends, keep the hope alive.

I know what y’all thinking, Man, this is too serious I need some levity to make this feel like a typical 3Ts Of Tunde blog. All I can say is y’all had better thank ur stars I didn’t blog on Wednesday. Man, it’da been brutal, trust me. Y’all woulda felt my pain, y’all woulda felt my fingers bleed as I typed, y’all would…okay okay I feel my point is made.

R.I.G. news: Nada much going on, but the usual dance choreography. Peeps, I need ur help. I think I’ve hit an artistic wall. The other day someone played Rihanna’s Umbrella and while dancing in front of the mirror – there’s nada like sweating in front of a mirror to make the six-pack glisten – it hit me: I was repeating the moves from the video. Man, I always prided myself on being an original, when did the transmogrification into Wade Robson take place? Arrrgggghhh.

Soon as I am back in town I’m going on a dancing binge. I need my mojo back worse than Nigerian presidents need oratory lessons. If u thot OBJ’s coughing style was uncouth u’d hear Yar’Adua speak. Man, talk about contagious narcolepsy! To get my mojo back I am going old school, kinda like Rocky in Rocky IV. I’m gonna get me DVDs of Flashdance, Breakdance, Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo, Save The Last Dance, etc. Infact I’m gonna go the whole 9 and get any movie with ‘dance’ in the title, yup, even Dances With Wolves. I need my mojo back darnit!

Hmmm, could I be overreacting? I don’t think so. Maybe I’m getting too old for the dance game. The game’s been good to me maybe it’s time I called it quits. U know settle down, start a family, buy a smoking jacket and a pipe. Maybe Chris Rock was right when he said guys get married so they’d not be the oldest guy in nite clubs. Maybe I’d do a Kinzo and give myself a December ultimatum on when to settle down. Yeah, that’s it, I’d do that. Bloggers of the world, by December, er, er, by December 2nd 2007 at exactly 10:27pm I shall propose to whatever chick’s the flavour of the month. So to quote LL Cool J from I Need Love, “…and I’ve come to realize that I need true love/And if u wanna give it to me girl make urself seen/I’ll be waiting/I love u”. Until then I shall go club hopping ‘til I get my mojo back. I’m taking the floor at any opportunity I get. Not only at clubs, but weddings at well. Got 4 weddings to attend when I’m next in Lagos and no waiting for bride and groom’s first dance here, I’m getting my groove on as soon as music starts playing. Mojo baby, mojo!!!!!

Okay, reading the last paragraph again made me fear for my sanity - Lisa, if u reading this, shut up. Yup, stop sniggering and hush. U see ever since that punk on the R.I.G. made the now infamous Tunde ending up with an ugly chick statement I’ve been doubting myself in other areas as well. I need to think positive. C’mon Tunde, u are an ace choreographer and always will be. Don’t let some punk tell u what u are not. Okay, so now ur dance moves remind u of ur father, so what? We all gotta evolve sometime….. Man, this ain’t helping. If I see that dude next time I’m gonna give him a Salford kiss. The punk.

Yesterday, some dude here asked me to transfer some songs to his phone. I asked, “Does ur phone have Bluetooth or infrared?” “No, I don’t think so”, he replied. Then I grab his phone and, peeps, this phone is larger than my ego, and u know that’s huge. “But, this phone is a Sony Ericsson, how come all it has is a camera. Are u sure ur…..” Then I look closer and discover it’s an Ericsson alright, but a SUNY Ericsson. I think SUNY is Sony’s illegitimate bro we never hear about. I reckon Sony took the day off so SUNY decided to try his hand at making a phone, or two, or ten thousand. Lol….man, have we gotten to that stage now? U know how u buy a phone and it comes with songs or ringtones? Well, this SUNY that’s supposedly made in China came with 5 songs, all of them Igbo. I kid thee not. Guess Igbo songs are all the rage in China now, huh?

So what else has been happening on the R.I.G.? Well, it’s a good thang I am leaving here soon ‘cos peeps here are acting loco. Peep this: Walked into someone’s office last week and Mariah Carey’s Love Takes Time was playing on his laptop. Stepped into same office the day after and same song was on. 2 days ago same thang. Now twice is coincidence, but this was getting ridiculous. Tried to play another song when I discovered of all the thousands of songs on his laptop that was the only song he had played for 2 weeks! It’s been repeated so many times Mariah’s changed her lyrics to “Love takes time to heal when u are hurting so much….but dude, get a life and play another song. Do u know how difficult it is to keep hitting those high notes?”

If that wasn’t bad enuff some dude squatting in my office only plays Justin Timberlake’s What Goes Around and an excellent Nigerian song titled, Malaria, with the chorus, I say open the door to ur heart make I enter.., over and over again. “Maybe someone’s about to break their hearts”, a married colleague said, when informed of my discoveries. “Lol…guess u expert and all since u married. So what do u suggest as balm for their ailing hearta”, I asked. “Porn”, he replied. U what? “Yup, porn. Ain’t no better way to get one’s mind off whatever the matter is. Look, I am married and still when my wife pisses me off…..come over here, look at all these files on my laptop. They all porno movies, man. Porn’s the best thang since sliced bread. Want some movies?”

See why I can’t wait to be on the next helicopter outta here?

Family news: Forgot to tell u that bro Loye got robbed and his car taken. Haven’t received complete details from him ‘cos I know how irritating it can get when a tragedy happens and all folk wanna know is when/where incident happened. “So would u recognise the robbers if u saw them again?” Sure, like it’s so easy to remember stuff with a gun in ur face and ur life flashing b4 u. Duh. I knowing y’all dying to hear the details so here’s what my neighbour told me: Dude was stuck in traffic behind a slow moving trailer when the robbers broke the glass on the passenger side, got into the car, robbed him off his phone and told him to get outta the car. Then one of them said, “Make we shoot am jo!” At which Loye pleaded, “Haba. Please now. U’ve taken everything I didn’t resist…” Then, the dudes drove off in his ride and it hasn’t been seen since.

I must say when I heard about Loye’s pleadings I cracked up and cannot wait to rib him about it when I am next in Lagos. No wonder they say us Nigerians are the happiest people on God’s green earth. I know what happened was traumatic at the time, but looking back over it one’s bound to laff at the situation. Get a group of Nigerian guys together and watch how they trade funny anecdotes about encounters with robbers. It’s sad that that’s becoming a way of life for us. The new Inspector General of Police (IGP) had better get his act together. Hey, y’all heard the immediate past IGP’s been accused of embezzling money like his predecessor? Dude denies the charge so let’s hope we are not soiled as a nation by having corrupt IGPs back to back. Hey, we’ve had consecutive corrupt Presidents since way back so this ain’t much of a surprise for us Nigerians, is it? Shame really. I thank God daily for sparing Loye’s life.

Other family news: The invites for Kinzo’s wedding are out, so now it’s official dude can’t change his mind. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha. In other news, spoke to Ayo last week and he’s ended things with his girlfriend….and get this, he’s already looking for a replacement. Man, that dude accumulates girlfriends more than OBJ ankara. Lol…u gotta love him though. Dude’s my Jerry Springer moment. U know how u think ur life might be shitty then u flip to The Jerry Springer Show and see all those with crazy troubles, and ur life doesn’t seem so bad anymore? Yup, that’s a Jerry Springer moment.

B4 I called him I had been on the phone with an ex in ATL and she informed me she was getting married….for the second time. After that call I couldn’t help but think about some of the good relationships I had let slip thru my (well manicured) fingers just ‘cos of my philandering ways or ‘cos I was too blasé to put up a fight. Maybe I really should take older bro Tayo’s advice and settle down. Just maybe I’d look at the man in the mirror. Yeah, the one with the otherworldly six-pack, and ask him if it ain’t time he gave this marriage thang more consideration…. Then, I spoke to Ayo, and experienced my Jerry Springer moment, and my life was looking more chipper. What about Tayo’s advice? The thang about advice is one’s gotta look at the big picture. Tayo got married at 31, Kinzo’s getting married a month before turning 34, who knows when Ayo’s getting married and he’s 31. The way I see it a precedent has been set for male siblings so why rock the boat? Hee. Hee. Loye and Jide, if u reading this don’t tread the same paths as ur older brothers. Get married asap. Speaking of which today (June 23rd) is Jide’s 24th birthday. God bless u bro.

Relationship news: Seems loadsa folk read last blog so hookups have reduced. Phew. However, there are still some stubborn folk out there who just won’t get it. While in PH – more on that later - someone “accidentally” left me alone with his cuz who was visiting from the UK. Since last blog in order not to jinx myself I no longer avoid ugly chicks, and this chick wasn’t bad…..okay who am I kidding? Best I can say is she has the whitest teeth I’d ever seen. Man, u’d seen her teeth. I’m talking movie star celluloid stuff. Her teeth should definitely be used for a toothpaste commercial. That said, she seems to have a nice personality…….as if I care.

Called Miguel earlier in the week to wish him a happy birthday and experienced another Jerry Springer moment. Turns out while his younger sister is getting hitched in a few months Miggie (aka Mugu) is still too picky to settle on a girlfriend. “Dude, at least I’ve tried to dabble my pedicured toes in relationship waters, Miguel. U haven’t done squat.” At which he responds, “Well, only one sis of mine is getting married, u have had 2 younger sisters get hitched in the past year!” Miaowww.

I let that slide, but when I told him of my plans to go on a tour of East Africa – what can I say? My fan base extends beyond Nigeria to Uganda, Kenya and Tanzania - come Xmas dude quipped, “Oh, so u burned all u bridges in Nigeria u now going that far to look for a bride?” Now that was waaayyy below the world’s greatest six-pack. This was the same Miguel back in the ATL who made me introduce him to a friend who works for the INS ‘cos he wanted the details of all Nigerian females under 30 who had immigrated to the States. Pitiful.

PH news: Was mate’s birthday 2 weeks ago so we go for a meal and as these things go we started talking about experiences in PH as most of us grew up elsewhere. The marriage-ready mate told us about his missing digital camera and how he suspects one or two chicks who had visited his crib. They visited said crib 5 months ago, but having recently realized the camera was missing dude still went ahead and asked them if they took it. Lol…imagine the gall. Even if they did what did he expect them to say? Man, I love hanging out with this guy.

Talk shifted to relationships and the rest of us starting ribbing him as he hasn’t proposed to his girlfriend yet. While this was happening dude said in all his ‘serious’ relationships he has made sure both he and his girlfriends have taken blood tests to evaluate AIDS status and see if their genotypes are compatible. While asking around the table I discovered I was the odd man out. ALL dudes but moi have known their girlfriends’ genotypes while dating. U what? When I told them I’d never known any of my exs’ blood group, let alone genotype they tried to convince me it was ‘cos I never saw a future with them. A female who was present echoed the same thought. Woah. If u reading this and we dated I never asked for ur genotype not ‘cos I didn’t care for u or think we weren’t destined for the big stroll down the altar, it’s just that….well, if we dated u know what I mean.

I agree I’m too blasé about most things, but I am sure I wouldn’t have been blasé about the two exs I coulda seen myself getting hitched to. I’m sure I’ve blogged about this before, but how does one ask a girl her genotype without sounding as if one’s ready for a lifetime’s commitment? I mean I’ve taken chicks out to the movies only for me to find out later they thought it was a prelude to a relationship. Can u imagine if I’d popped the genotype question?! So when exactly is the right time to ask someone what their genotype is? Does one wait ‘til the 3rd date, what? I need to know these things so I don’t feel like I’m some cold hearted punk.

Okay gotta find an ingenious way to resolve this…got it! Every female who knows me or knows of me or knows someone that robbed me in traffic or…look if u female and u reading this send me ur genotype. That way I won’t feel bad for not pursuing my interest in chicks I might wanna date. Hmmm, but what if I meet someone new who doesn’t read my blog? Hmmmmm…got it. I’d do the whole olive oil test. Y’all don’t know what that is? Try saying ‘olive oil’ real fast. Sounds like I LOVE U, don’t it? That’s the olive oil test. Got that from some movie. If u wanna tell someone u love them but not sure how they’ll react say olive oil real fast and if they respond with, “I love u too” u know u cool. If they say, “Love? Dude/Girl u must be joking” u can deny u ever said it and tell them u were actually repeating olive oil real fast.

Er, if u find urself in the latter situation it pays to have a jar of olive oil within the immediate vicinity. Now if I can just find an innocuous phrase that sounds like “Wanna go down to the local clinic for a routine blood test to find out what ur genotype is?” I’d b sorted. Tot ziens and God bless.

Peeps, y’all won’t believe this. Just saw a NOKEA (yup, u read it correctly) phone on the R.I.G. Lol…where are these guys copping these phones from?

Think I finally found the genesis of the ugly girl obsession….and I didn’t need to get hypnotised. Back in the ATL my sis Nike came visiting so Miguel and I tried to settle an argument by showing her pics of two girls. The traitor agreed chick Miguel was dating at the time – she’s getting married in August by the way…way to go Miguel for letting another go – was better looking than one I was interested in. Cool, right? Nah. Miguel went on and on about it, so we placed a wager on who would end up marrying the better looking woman. I reckon he’s avoiding getting hitched so I’d make the first move by showing my cards and then he’d go shopping for someone finer. I may be paranoid, but I think that’s his reason. U see dude’s a sore loser. I reckon Miguel and I should keep our brides-to-be hidden and on the wedding day take the veil off and let congregation decide. Losing couple has to pay for winner’s first kid’s college education. Man, wouldn’t that be an ace reality show?

Actually, thinking back to how folk say u never marry the kind of girl u date and reckon that might be where dude on R.I.G. got the ugly gal thang from. U see a greater majority of girls I’ve dated wore glasses and looked even hotter when wearing those spectacles. By suggesting I’d marry an ugly girl dude on R.I.G. probably meant I’d marry a girl who doesn’t wear glasses. Yeah, that’s it! By ugly he meant a chick without glasses, therefore not my “usual” type of girlfriend. Phew, now I can breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe decider question should change from “what’s ur genotype?” to “what’s ur genotype…and do u wear glasses?”

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Miss G’s C&M ministry

Hola peeps. Puedo funcionar, pero no puedo ocultar. What am I referring to? Keep reading. But first, I wanna send my props to Bron Bron for kicking The Pistons’ collective arses. Note to Rasheed Wallace: Guess the sun’s really beaming on the dog’s arse this time, huh? Still, I am hoping The Spurs take the NBA title.

What a way to begin a blog, huh? Hey, u can’t blame me for being giddy about basketball. What with my footie season ending in February, no thanks to Arsenal. Now that the Nigerian punk arse team lost to Uganda I can’t be bothered about footie anymore……at least ‘til the next season starts. Lol…I am so easy. That’s why I am glad I wasn’t born a woman; I probably woulda been looser than Lucy, if u are to believe the late Rick James. Peep this: whenever I am not in a relationship and just dating, once every other year for about a week I get the urge to act like a woman. U know shave my legs and……get ur perverted minds out the gutter! What I meant by “act like a woman” is being pursued instead of doing the pursuing. I do the typical thangs women do when they playing hard to get: never kiss on the first date, act nonchalant when chicks call, etc. For some reason more chicks come flocking by then. Almost like my nonchalance is some sorta pheromone. If I could I’d bottle it and make millions outta it, but going back to what I alluded to earlier, I am too easy. I eventually cave in and go back to my Neanderthal (geddit? geddit? cave and Neanderthal? Aw, forget yous.) “Me man, me must pay for meals. Me must call woman back…” mode. Women of the world, watch out. Now that I have shared this with all men out there ur days of getting ur way are over. I have a dream that one day some young guy would read this blog and dedicate his life to researching ways of not caving in too easily. I have a dream that said dude would publish his findings for all men to read and……..hopefully, I can sue his pilfering arse for royalties. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Okay, now that my Martin Luther King moment is over let’s get on to the news.

Family news: Spoke to my sis Nike yesterday, and is typical of my relatives, I did the calling.

Tunde: Just heard u guys are gonna be travelling to Nigeria for Kinzo’s wedding?
Nike: Oh u didn’t know. Well, u always the last to find stuff out in the house anyways. Hee. Hee.
Tunde (*thinking to himself: “Man, she’s lucky she’s my sister, else…”*)
Nike: Chief was in England recently and dude was just so happy to see his grandkids he said he wants them at Kinzo’s wedding, and is paying for their air fare. We’ll have to fork out dough for ours, but still, I’m quite impressed by the gesture. Never seen dude so happy.

That got me thinking. Grandkids, huh? Nike, etc seem to be in Chief’s good books ‘cos of grandkids. I once saw a movie with Leslie Nielsen called, Rent A Kid. Hmmmm. After I smacked myself over the head for being that dumb I finally got it. Every parent wants to spend as much time with grandkids as possible. Hey, they might have screwed up their kids’ lives but they have been handed a mulligan by God with the birth of grandkids. Reckon it was the same with my grandmas as well. Both my grandfathers passed away before I was born – hence the name Babatunde. Duh! – but knew both grandmothers. Well, not exactly ‘knew’ them as we didn’t have much of a relationship b4 they passed away but guess they were happy to spend time with us kids as well.

Paternal grandma died when I was real young, while maternal grandma passed away in my teenage years. In all that time most I can remember about her was branding some dog we had, Siddon look “’cos wetin this ur yeye dog dey do na to siddon and look.” Lol….and like all great nicknames, this sobriquet stuck, and from then on the dog was forever known as Siddon look. Come to think about it, grandma was probably a comedic genius way ahead of her time. Recently thought about that name again and cracked up. Decided that when I get a pet I’m gonna name it something weird like That piece of s%$t. I can imagine all the fun I’d have.

Mate: Hey Tunde, what happened to that cute dog?
Tunde: Oh, u mean That piece of s%$t? She passed away last week. Sob. Sob. She was like a daughter to me, I miss That piece of s%$t so much.
Mate: Okay, sure, whatever u say….

Imagine using the same thought process in applying for a job. Can u imagine the look on ur resume doctor’s face when u show him ur resume with email addresses such as,,,,

Dear sir, can u help me out I dunno what the problem is? I applied to the NAACP and they wouldn’t call me up for an interview. So what if my email address is: I think they discriminating against me.” Lol….

PH news: Mate who wants to get married is doing the annoying I just got engaged/married couple thang by trying to reconcile ex and I. Being the true romantic he is, he’s also hedging his bets by attempting to hook me up with his fiancee’s best mate, u know just in case his original plan doesn’t pan out. Teased dude that maybe he’s trying to save wedding costs by ensuring we get hitched on same day at same venue. Dude thought about it for a while and replied, “U know what? That’s not such a bad plan. How does December 26th work for u?”

Dude still hasn’t proposed and is keeping receipt of ring just in case it doesn’t fit his girlfriend’s ring finger. That’s another way movies lie to us. In the movies dude proposes to chick, pulls out ring from his breast pocket, chick gets all teary-eyed as ring is placed on her finger and is a perfect fit. In reality, except ur girlfriend is a pimp, i.e. wears gold rings on most of her fingers, how’s one supposed to know what size girlfriend’s fingers are? Everyone loves surprises, so though girlfriend would be happy once u propose she’s bound to expect a well-fitting ring as well, ‘cos that’s what the movies have taught her to expect. Thinking of writing a 5 step guide to discovering girlfriend’s ring size. Screw it, here goes:
1. Ask her best mate. Now knowing women, best mate’s gonna be too excited to keep surprise in so she’s still gonna spill ur secret. Worse, if best mate’s one of those chicks that feel they need to get married b4 all their friends she might jeopardize ur chances or make a pass at u.
2. Wait until girlfriend’s asleep and then try to gauge ring size by putting a string or rubber band around finger. If girlfriend’s a light sleeper and wakes up with u tying a string around her finger she might think u up to some perverted shenanigans ur buddies at the bar told u about, and kick u outta bed.
3. U’d forego all that mystery, romantic ish and come right out and say, “Babes, I love u and want to spend the rst of my life with u. I was gonna get u the perfect ring, but there’s too much pressure on us guys nowadays to get things right.” Then turn away, squirt some onions in ur eyes, and pretend to weep. She’d be so impressed u’d get her any size of ring and she won’t mind. Then again, she’d think u a wuss for crying and dump u for ur best mate Harry Osborn.
4. Er, that’s how far I have gotten so far. As I get more ideas I shall publish them.

Tunde’s weird relationship news: U know how I wrote about not talking to ugly girls anymore? Well, maybe I jumped the gun a tad bit. U see since I published that blog I’ve been inundated with calls from folk wanting to hook me up. Yes, even more than usual! Yesterday alone my fav aunt, a mate, and another mate’s wife that I have a crush on – yeah, just got over crush on Loye’s hot girlfriend and now this. That’s my life, I guess.

As is typical of my relatives I did the calling.

Aunt: Tunde, long time. U in Lagos?
Tunde: No. But plan to be in Lagos soon.
Aunt: Cool, gimme a call when u get in. Need to talk to u about something.
Tunde (*thinking: “Hmmm, what’s mom said I’ve done this time?”*): Er, what exactly would that be?
Aunt: Ha. U know…
Tunde: No, I don’t know.
Aunt: Well, I have this young friend I feel u’d get along with and …..
Tunde: Lol…u know that ain’t gonna happen. Interested in only Asian girls now, so if she ain’t Asian u can send my regrets.

Now b4 my black sisters out there kill me that was just an excuse to get her off my back. What are the odds of her knowing any Asian chicks in Lagos? That said, if y’all know anyone that looks like Parminder Nagra or Aishwarya Rai I’d not be opposed to saying hello…….and professing my undying love and asking for their hand in marriage. Hee. Hee.

Anyways, so there I am wondering gameplans family members construct to set me up when I get a call from mate.

Mate: Dude, I am with Miss B and she says she has a friend in PH that’s dying to meet u……
Tunde: Slow ur roll, son. Tell her I am not interested, but if her friend won’t mind cooking me a meal sometime…
Mate: Lol….not to worry I was gonna tell u I’d told her u’d not be interested anyways. U see I saw her pic and she ain’t fine.
Tunde: Dude, u aiight man. If u read my blog u’d know I just commented on stuff like that. U a true friend. If u keep looking after for my interests like this I just might make u godfather of my gorgeous kids. Then, if I see ur kids aren’t bad looking either I just might set my son up with ur daughter. Or don’t u want good genes in ur family?
Mate: Lol…anyways, remember Miss S that I was with at ur sister’s wedding? She says to ask u if u’d be interested in hooking up with one of her friends. This friend was at the wedding as well.
Tunde: That’s it, no godfather post for u! U had me there for a minute, way to lull me into a false sense of security. U say said hookee was at my sister’s wedding? I know I was busy running around, but if she was all that she’da left an impression and only chick that did that was Miss May – yes, Miss May don’t get swollen headed if u read this!.
Mate: I am sorry, I just thought…
Tunde: Nah, no need to apologize u still ain’t becoming godfather to my kids. Peep this: I attended mate Alo’s wedding in the UK in the fall of 2003 and there wa some some chick there wearing a lovely brown number. Fast-forward to January 2006 when I attended a li’l shindig in Nigeria and saw same chick. It was almost 3 years since the first time I saw her, but I remembered who she was. Now that’s what u call an impression! Capisci?

Was about to commence my soon-to-be patented six-pack exercises when mate’s wife (yeah, the one I have a huge crush on) called.

Mate’s wife: My brother from another mother, how u doing?
Tunde: Girl who’da been my kissing cuz, I am fine. What’s going on? How’s my mate?
Mate’s wife: WE are fine. Guess what? I have got this mate who fancies the pants off u.
Tunde: Here we go again. Babes, I don’t wanna bore u with what my day’s been like, but……
Mate’s wife: Hold on, hold on. She’s real nice and….
Tunde: Okay ‘cos it’s u I’ll listen to the rest of what u have to say. Is she pretty?
Mate’s wife: Well, I won’t describe her as pretty PRETTY, but looks ain’t everything. She’s real smart and funny and….
Tunde: Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha. I hate to plagiarize Jerry Maguire here but u lost me at “..but looks ain’t everything.” Anytime anybody gives a descriptive variance of “beauty is not everything” u know they talking about something/someone as ogglllliiieeee as an oompa loompa.

As Chris Rock said, “Whatever u don’t like would most likely become a member of ur family. If u hate gays, ur son would end up gay. If u hate Latinos, ur daughter will marry one…” That’s why I think I may have, er, over-reacted on the ugly chicks thang. I publish a blog about it and all of a sudden everyone wants to hook me up with ugly chicks. Dear bloggers, I recant my previous musings about ugly chicks. Am I forgiven? Good.

As if to console myself I went to my Facebook page to look at profiles of ex and her cuz I had a massive crush on – yes, the story of my life.

Oh yeah, I finally registered on Facebook after constant emails from mates/acquaintances/enemies to sign up. Didn’t have the strength to resist anymore ‘cos didn’t wanna get similar barrage of emails like I did after same folk registered on hi5.

So I am checking ex-girlfriend N’s profile and thinking to myself: Boy, she still looks amazing after all these years. Awww, there’s also a pic of her kid. How cute. That’da been my kid u know….hold on, kid’s not mixed-race so it’d not have been my kid, but u know what I mean. Ha. U see, I’d have no fear of ending up with an ugly chick.

Then I go to the profile of her cute cuz: Awww, she has a pic of her kid as well. There’s no pic of her but to have a daughter this cute I am sure she’s still as gorgeous as I remember. Dude, even ur crushes are drop dead gorgeous. C’mon u good, no way u ending up with an ugly chick. Even if u drunk – and u don’t drink!- ur Spidey sense would kick if an ugly chick came within 50 meters of u. Relax mon, everyting ire..

Was still relishing in my new found Facebook world and kicking myself for not signing up sooner when from one mate’s profile to another’s I saw ex-girlfriend P’s profile: Woah, she still looks ace. I hear she’s married with a kid now. Good on her, I am sure she’s an excellent wife and mother. I know we didn’t end on the most pleasant of circumstances but I am sure she wouldn’t mind if I sent her a message.

So I search for the right words and my foolish self decides to send a one line joke. I get a response that wipes the smirk from my face. It’s a li’l too strong to publish here, but it went a li’l something like: F&%k u. Who do u think u are acting all familiar like we friends or something. U are a cold, cowardly bastard and I feel sorry for whoever u end up with…..I am married 5 years now with a daughter, and the man I married is so loving, unlike u. He helped me get over u and like that Boyz II Men song goes: “I am doing just fine, getting along very well without u in my life…”

Ouch. Double ouch. I knew she hated me, but thought 7 years woulda healed some of the hurt. I guess not. In all honesty though, I deserved EVERYTHING she said about me…and more. I treated her worse than shite, and I have been trying to make up for it ever since, even with girls I have dated after her. Guess that was the niggrraarr phase of my life. Man, I was cruel. Miss P was drop-dead gorgeous, so much so that when my sister saw her she called me aside and teased, “She’s real pretty. What’s she doing with ur punk arse?” Needless to say that sis is not getting invited to my inauguration as President of Nigeria.

Seriously though, I felt awful after we ended and I tried for years to learn how she was faring from a mutual friend, but “she just cut her eyes at me.” Lol…only Miguel would understand that line. It was from someone else I discovered about her husband and daughter. I responded to her message by apologizing for all my actions, but guess it’s a li’l too late.

I had kinda hoped it’d be like in the movies where dude contacts his exs, they slammed doors in his face, send dogs after him, etc, but in the end they become friends. Guess that’d never happen with Miss P. If there’s positives to take from this they are: (1) one’d be careful the way they treat others; (2) now I know I had a bad niggrraarr phase so I’d not laff at niggrraarr friends anymore; (3) with Miss P getting stuff off her chest there’s only Miss E is the remaining ex that I know hates my guts, and the feeling’s mutual. That said….ain’t no way I am looking up her profile in Facebook.

Tot ziens and God bless.

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