I am not Dr. Doolittle either.

I don’t get people. U want me to expatiate on that? Good, thought u’d never ask. I’d sent an email to a friend (Mmmbop) from college telling her about Femi’s wedding on Saturday and how I saw a mutual friend of ours (Bux). She sent a reply yesterday that she mistakenly deleted the e-mail b4 she was done reading it, but picked out Bux’s name and the word “glad”. Hmmmm. Anyway, she asked if Bux and I were an item and said she wouldn’t get upset if I affirmed her suspicions. Before u ask why she’d get upset here’s some background for u: Bux and I could never stand each other back in college and though we cool now she’s not exactly my type. Mmmbop was a close female friend in college, but we’re never in a relationship, though it was obvious that she had a thing for me. I’dn’t believe what I just read. Only last month, Mmmbop called me outta the blue to apologise for the way she treated me back at college. More background: Mmmbop got real jealous and possessive whenever I was associated with another girl. As she was a good friend of mine I tried my best to pacify her misplaced anger and let her know that we’re always gonna be friends no matter who I was involved in. Yeah, I know I am a nice guy. Ha. Ha. Anyhow, we’d a real long chat then and I told her that she’d nada to apologise about.

I was real pissed of by her email - well, for a millisecond or so - and then Julio took me hostage and made me go along with her suppositions. I wrote, in a sarcastic tone, that I’m as shocked as anyone that Bux and I are now a couple and feel that Bux might actually be the one I’ve been looking for all my life. Mmmbop mustn’t have been too pleased ‘cos she wrote the following gem: “U Nigerians are all the same. Always knew u’d end up marrying another Nigerian. Maybe if I’d been ruder to u at college (like Bux was) we’da been in a relationship.” Now I didn’t need Julio to tell me what to write; I felt even angrier. U Nigerians are all the same?! Where does this chick get off? Maybe I’m a bit too sensitive, but I felt that statement was akin to non-Blacks addressing Blacks in derogatory terms. Okay, okay, maybe that analogy wasn’t the best, but that’s the way I felt. (Mmmbop’s African British - is that the new PC term? - by the way.) In my reply I went on to offer the meaning of the following words to her: sarcasm and reading glasses. Haven’t heard back from her but shall keep y’all informed.

I don’t wanna put on my talk show host hat here, but this incident has taught me that it’s best if peeps express their true feelings - and here’s where I differ from experts on talk shows: I practise what I preach. There was this girl back in college who didn’t reciprocate my feelings towards her. After 2 hours of intense Tundeisms I told her that I really liked her, but it’d be best if we didn’t communicate for a while so I’d get over her. An hour later all was back to normal in Tundeville, and I moved on to someone who later became my girlfriend. What I’m trying to say is peeps should be brutally honest about how they feel; it works out for all parties at the end of the day. Nobody knows u like u know urself so tell it like it is. Here are some examples that might help y’all.

1. If u are insanely jealous of ur ex-boyfriend’s new girl u might say: “U know I still care about u even though I’ve tried to hide my feelings. If u ever bring that bitch near me, it’s on. I’ll pull out her fake ass hair and pee on her face. I’m seeing a shrink now and I’m loaded up on medication. I’ll be aiight in a few years, I hope. Until then u and the bitch better watch ur backs.”
2. If ur girlfriend’s just left u for a guy who she claimed was ‘just her friend’ u might say: “Oooh baby, it’s u. U all that I waaant. And u say he’s just a friend, u say he’s just a friend. Okay, I’m done serenading u. So u left me for that cross-eyed freak, huh? No problem. I was cheating on u anyways. Just so u know, I just bought a telescopic camera and I’m gonna be with u and ur new man every step of the way. Taking out a restraining order ain’t gonna help. U know The Police’s Every Breath U Take, well, that’s gonna be the soundtrack of ur life from now on. Best bet for y’all is to move to another country. Even if that happens, I’m sure I’ll find u. U better come back to me or else….”

Now don’t u feel better?