Sunday, February 21, 2010

Glenn Beck is a tool

Hola peeps. ¿Estamos viviendo en épocas interesantes, no somos?

Once a month, for the past 2 years now, I select a day to fast. U know, a way to be closer to God and plead with him to help me become a better person and dump the sins that I easily succumb to. Why am I telling y’all such private stuff? Well, it seems it’s always better to stay away from eating when one’s busy ‘cos so far I’ve spent the day lounging at home and EVERYTHING reminds me of food. I washed my hands after doodling and the handwash is mango-scented; funny I never noticed this before. It hadn’t rained since I returned from the UK 2 weeks ago, but today the steady drip on the roof made me long for an ice cold bowl of garri and groundnut. To make matters worse I chose to lie down on a bed next to balcony overlooking the garden and the smell emanating from moist soil took me back to the fun times I had as a kid, when I’d sneak out to the garden and eat sand. Man, I thought I had more willpower than this. This experience reminds me of a mate from boarding school, Mohammed Abdullai (aka Early Man, aka Early Cra, aka Caveman), who had a penchant for extra long showers during ramadan. Turns out dude was sipping water while ‘pretending’ to shower. Another mate from uni was just as bad. Mohammed Adeojo would succumb to the rumblings in his stomach with 5 mins remaining ‘til time to break his fast. It was always funny to see us, his non-Muslim mates, encouraging him to hold on. “No, no, I can’t take it anymore”, Mohammed would scream. “I know it’s ten minutes ‘til I have to eat, but u don’t know how hard this is. Abeg pass me that bottle of groundnut!” Good times, good times. So now I am typing a blog to keep me occupied and get my mind off food….it’s not working, ‘cos mate’s driver just walked in and his normally rancid B.O. now reminds me of akara (bean cakes). Arrrggghhhhh!!!

It’s even more frustrating ‘cos I know there’s no ‘good’ food to look forward to after I break my fast. Being in Warri makes me long for the time I spent in Lagos during my vacation where I’d get pampered like a king. ‘Cos mom’s in the UK stepmoms were falling over themselves to ensure I am properly fed. I’d ask for anything and their helps would hurriedly prepare it for me. Since I have been back in Warri I have left the club late so have 2ice had to resort to a place I promised myself last year I’d no longer visit. I used to loooove their food ‘til one fateful day when the food tasted awful. The next day I asked the ladyput - too young, too skinny, and boobs not droopy enough to be conveniently flung over shoulders to be a mamaput - why her food wasn’t up to spec and her response was, “Ehen, na everyday food dey sweet? Even if u cook for ur house sef, e dey sweet each time?” That convinced me I had to search for greener pastures. Luckily I was about to embark on 2 month vacation so I didn’t think I’d miss the food……’til now.

Problem in Warri is most eateries that are open past 7pm have run out of good food and it’s only crap bottom pot left. I’da tried the local Chicken Republic but the standard’s fallen drastically from 2 years ago, when they first opened their doors. Not sure if I’ve told u this before but their ice cream’s gone bland and their chicken now tastes as if it was seasoned with kolanut. Yup, that awful. So here’s how I have feasted since I returned to Warri:

Monday 15th February: Had saltless rice and turkey at Ladyput’s after earlier attempt to sponge some food from a married mate’s crib failed. Dude just had a kid so I actually went visiting under the guise of seeing his baby boy. Saw the baby, gisted for a bit and kept glancing at the kitchen, yet nada materialized. Decided @ 2030hrs to go food searching and that’s how I ended up @ Ladyput’s.

Tuesday 16th February: Yam pottage and chicken from Mr Biggs.

Wednesday 17th February: Saltless rice and turkey from Ladyput’s.

Thursday 18th February: Suya.

Friday 19th February: Pounded yam and egusi soup at family friend’s crib.

Saturday 20th February: Yam pottage and fish at female mate’s crib.

So still not sure what I am having for dinner this evening. It’s li’l guessing games such as these that add so much drama to my life in Warri. I reckon I am a masochist ‘cos all this talk description of food is making me crazy hungry. Didn’t help that at church this morning the pastor kept talking about looking at fasting “as ur soul having a feast with the Lord”. All I’d think about was having a meatFEAST pizza or KFC’s chickenFEAST. I reckon that dude was sent to tempt me. Get thee behind me!!!!!

Feels good to be back in Warri though…..who am I kidding?! I miss Lagos and its chaos. The petrol scarcity had eased off in my last few days in Lagos and thot it was so nationwide. WRONG!!!! It’s crazy in Warri and had to cop petrol @ 90 Naira/litre this morning in order to avoid a queue. What the beep are the powers that be doing? And y’all were happy when power was handed over to Goodluck Jonathan, huh? They all the same, the iniquitous punks! U think Goodluck’s wife Patience’s gonna be any different than Yar’Adua’s very own Lady Macbeth? Think again. Y’all forgotten woman had cases, ahem, patiently - (Geddit? Her name’s Patience and I said p-a-t-i-e-n-t-l-y? Aw, forget yous) - pending at the EFCC (Economic and Financial Crimes Commission) before her husband became the vice president? At least Turai’s more photogenic and who knows she might be reading this and reckon I am worthy to marry one of her daughters. Ka-ching!!!!!

Seriously, one cannot be anything but miffed at the debacle that’s been going on since Yar’Adua was rigged into power. First he didn’t do nada, then went away on sick leave, then all sorts of sycophants started spewing crap on how he’s in good health and other rubbish, not knowing each statement further obnubilated the perception of the average Nigerian of the so-called leaders. Trust me the only parties that came outta this mess with their heads held high were the armed forces and civil society (especially the Save Nigeria Group). Not even Dora Akinyuli is without blame, though must give her kudos for her eventual stance. The state governors? Pigs. The national assembly? Rogues. The president’s wife? Sexy. Turai, u won’t forget me when it comes time to picking a new son-in-law, right? Thanks, MOM. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Glad to be back at work after my extended break. Was well rested and think I may have overdone it ‘cos first few days back at work it was difficult to keep one’s eyes open. Know how difficult it is to give someone a lap dance while zzzzing? Let’s just say my tips for the week were an all time low. Still, gotta keep trudging along, no?

Debtors didn’t cough up funds as expected so didn’t journey to Cote D’Ivoire as planned after return from the UK. Maybe later in the year. That said, three week stay in the UK was what I needed, though I am disappointed I chickened out of getting a Prince Albert while over there. It’da been my own unique way of protesting the Abdulmutallab incident and the government’s crap response to it.

Nigerian immigration officer: Oga, I thought I told u to remove all metal objects from ur person.
Tunde: You thought right.
Nigerian immigration officer: Then why are u still beeping when u go thru the metal detector?
Tunde (*with a lisp*): Well, wouldn’t u like to know.
Nigerian immigration officer: Huh?

I mos def woulda been arrested afterwards, but at least I’da said my piece, right? Right? Moving on swiftly…..

Yeah, my time in the UK was uneventful. Stayed in most of the time and zzzed, zzzed, zzzed. (Loye’s snoring’s become worse. Man! Nodded off in the living room while watching TV some day and Loye (aka internet pirate) musta slept off as well while waiting on his movie to download. Next thing I was awakened by what sounded like an old diesel trailer changing gears.) On days I’d go visiting peeps I tried to cram in as many visits as I could so I’d spend days afterwards just doing nada. Met up with mates from uni, saw family (as usual) and was ace seeing newest nephew Otu, caught a couple of movies with a girl with a cute nose piercing, and that’s about it I think. Oh yeah, had an ace time chilling with Jide and Loye and kinda reminded me what I missed about not having them back in Nigeria: the constant dissing. Before Mama departed for the States she spent a few days with us and the boys couldn’t help but tease her on her less than pretty mates. “Ever notice that Mama’s always in the centre of photos with her mates? That way the contrast is even clearer.” Can’t forget Loye dissing Jide over a photo of his mate’s ugly baby. “Seriously, how person go born baby girl wey resemble LeBron James? And u go want one boy make he marry am in future? Haba. U know what they say, ‘God don’t like ugly’, but I see He made an exception tonight. Ha.” Yup, that’s essentially what occurred during UK trip.

Wait, there’s the shopping! Well, not for me, mostly for ever expanding clan of nieces and nephews. In my move to avoid maximum stress I did ALL shopping in one day. However, I did tag along when mate wanted to go shoe shopping. Apparently, she had seen a pair of shoes and wanted to get them but they didn’t have her size at the store. U’d not believe this chick got the addresses for other Karen Millen stores in London and planned to visit each one until she found the shoes in her size. Agreed to go along with this harebrained scheme ‘cos she got me some cupcakes – yes, that’s how easy I am – and thank goodness we achieved our target after 3 stores. I am glad she was with me ‘cos while looking around I nearly copped a pair of powder blue – yes POWDER BLUE – pants until she convinced me it was a bad idea. Well, duh!! I KNEW it was a bad idea, but c’mon how many chances does a heterosexual male get to acquire powder blue pants? It’da been different….and mighta been appropriate attire for my Abdulmutallab airport protest. Oh well, we live and we learn. So yup, that’s pretty much my UK trip for ya.

Wait, wait, I also got to to see ex-girlfriend’s cuz, the one I used to have a crush on. Man, she hasn’t changed and has the cutest family. Her husband’s real cool and her two kids are adorable. Seeing them interacting encourages one to get married…okay, almost. Man, I need to get over this commitment phobia ‘cos it’s starting to dog me. While in the UK with Loye and Jide, Kinzo called to inform Jide that one of his female friends has slept with seven (7) guys “and counting” since she got married. Trust Kinzo to love scandals. Anyways, the topic turns to when the boys are moving back to Nigeria, and later to my relationship status. The boys start teasing me about some chick and then Kinzo says, “Y’all had better leave Yellow alone ‘cos if u keep pressuring him the boy go back out and say he no do again.” U what? After I returned to Lagos I meet up with some chick who happens to know Kinzo’s wife and a mate of mine from ATL; during a conversation it slips out that my sis-in-law and my mate Bashir have, separately, warned her about my commitment phobia. Woah, is that what everyone thinks of me?

Two days before I return to Warri – Loye and Jide are back in Nigeria now - Chief summons the family for a “family meeting”.
(Psst, I actually think dude’s lonely in that huge house with his wives. Man, u’da seen him after Mama left for her programme in the States; never seen dude so blue. Almost thought he was gonna cry. “Oh I miss her….oh I miss her….u know she underwent all her studies in Lagos, from nursery school to NYSC and when she said she wanted to go abroad to further her medical studies I tried to convince her to do it here, but she used that argument against me. Oh I miss her.” Dude actually sat by me while watching TV to tell me this. It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so cute. Can’t blame him though, Mama’s the sweetest angel ever. Remember that nursery rhyme ‘what are girls made of?’ The author(ess) musta been talking about Mama. Yup, I sure do miss her. Sob.)
After the opening prayer Chief began the meeting by thanking everyone for showing up, expressing his joy that Loye and Jide arrived safely in the country and “….it just so happens that they are seated beside the chief bachelor Tunde. Hopefully, we’d have two weddings this year….Jide’s, once he settles down and gets a job, and maybe Tunde’s. I mean u never know.” At which point the entire family, me especially, cracks up.

Remember how I told y’all after Chief and me had “the talk” he said he’d never ask me about marriage until I approached him that I had found someone? Well, that went outta the window after 2 weeks. Every other conversation he brings it up. Reckon it’s time I made myself a tee shirt – oh yeah, think I met someone in the UK that can finally bring my tee shirt ideas to fruition – with the inscriptions, NO, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN MEETING UR FRIEND! It’s been crazy ever since peeps found out Neo and moi are no more. Everyone and the mama’s group of friends seem to have someone whom they reckon would be perfect for me. Ha. I appreciate the love, honestly I do, but I just ain’t ready to settle down. Man, I wonder if George Clooney gets harassed this much? He doesn’t. U know why? ‘Cos he’s made it clear he’s a serial dater and never wants to get married again. Tunde, on the other hand, would love to get married – eventually – but now ain’t the time. So if u reading this and u still wanna introduce me to ur cute friend, no worries. Just make it plain to her that the guy u hooking her up with has finally accepted what everyone sees, that he’s got some issues with commitment, and mightn’t be ready to get hitched anytime soon. Capisci? Bueno.

But what about ur new year’s resolution to get hitched in 2010? Er, er, didn’t u read the caveat in last blog entry that I always break my new year’s resolutions? Hee hee. Seriously, I don’t know, I don’t bother about it too much. In all honesty my fondest relationships all happened when I thought I wasn’t ready for a relationship so who knows? Thang is I try to glean something from each relationship so I don’t make the same mistake in the next, and discovered that one of the reasons Neo decided she couldn’t take my BS anymore was ‘cos she thought I’d never be serious enough to settle down. Apparently she and my mom had a looooooooong talk – they both love to talk so that’s expected – last month and that’s when she revealed all to her. To an extent she’s right and I won’t wanna “waste” anyone’s time so it’d be better if I made it clear to women from the beginning they might have a Nigerian Clooney, albeit with less hair and a better six-pack, on their hands.

Over the Xmas holidays my mate Edward was visiting from the UK and when I told him I was gonna get married in 2010 dude took it upon himself to be host of Who Wants To Be Tunde’s Bride?, so much so that he actually developed a criteria based on his knowledge of moi. What made it worse was he’d say this out loud in the presence of any girl he saw me with and it wasn’t ‘til a month later I discovered one of the girls actually took this seriously and hinted to a mutual friend that we are more or less getting married this year. U what? See what I mean?

Also discovered – Edward observed this – that all the girls he saw me with have the same complexion. Huh? Don’t see it, but Edward swears it’s so. So either I am eliminating female company subconsciously based on skin tone or Edward is blind…..well, Edward wears glasses so I think it’s the latter. Still, I’d not help but buy into his idea of ranking based on criteria. So earlier in the year when I was still gung ho about getting hitched in 2010 I decided on a select list of female friends – hey, what are the chances of meeting someone new this year and getting hitched to them in the same year – I’d see myself dating and proceeded to eliminate them based on various criteria I came up with. Obviously, the girl from last blog entry (that got jealous when she saw me with someone else) was first to go, then there’s the one that asked me to meet her at a club at Lekki but when I got there and called she informed me she “changed her mind” and was at another club in V.I.; those were enjoyable omissions.

Few days after I arrived in the UK Jide told me about a former colleague of mine he bumped into. “U are Tunde’s brother? How’s he doing at his new job? Ur brother dated this girl when he worked with me and they thought they were real slick, stealing kisses and the like, and thinking no one knew of their relationship. Funny thing is EVERYONE knew. Ha. U’d see the way he looked at her at the office, almost as if he was undressing her. Trust me, as a woman I can’t misjudge that look.” Well, ain’t no way I am gonna walk around the club wearing sunglasses so had strike off a cute, innocent work colleague off the list. Other regrettable omissions were cutie with LEGS for miles – she’s in the UK so distance had to be taken into account – and my small wife (aka my sis Seyi’s friend who I’ve known since she was nine) ‘cos she’s more like a younger sister to me, and besides she’s already engaged. At the end of the day last bride-to-be standing was Mama’s hot doctor friend, but never really hung out alone with her and I gather she’s off to the UK for postgraduate studies soon. See why I don’t wanna meet the friend u think would be perfect for me? I have enough trouble resolving the current ‘potentials’ in my life as it is.

Now u get why I have chosen not to bother myself with whatever Chief says. Recently I tried to explain my way of thinking to a female pal I’ve known since NYSC. She said, “U never take anything seriously and maybe u’d date someone like u. I haven’t been close to any of ur girlfriends, but from the times we’ve all hung out I see them as a bit serious. Forget the whole opposites attract thing, try dating someone like u.” Hmmmm, she might be up to something. Maybe I’d get someone who gets my jokes, understands my reason for liking Country-Western music, doesn’t mind watching football, loves watching movies, and likes nothing better than drinking garri on a sunny day. Ha, there I go describing food again. U’d think….why lookie there, it’s time to break my fast. Phew! Tot ziens and God bless.

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