Thursday, February 03, 2005

Tunde's MTV

Hola peeps. How y’all doing? Y’all remember my last blog about problems I have with sex? Well, I think my prayers are being answered: I got in after my farewell shindig in the wee hours of Sunday morning and slumped on the bed. Turns out I slept extra close to the radiator in my room and I woke up with a blister on my right ass cheek. Serious. It hurts a bit and going to the loo’s a bit of a hassle, but unless I have some hitherto unknown S&M proclivities the blister should keep me off sex for a while. Cool, huh? Wait, so what will I do when my blister heals? I mean I can’t do the ‘radiator’ thang again as I’ll probably be in Nigeria by then. Hmmmmm…..I’ll keep y’all informed.

So while resting my ass on Sunday afternoon I was skipping thru channels and came across MTV Base. How many friggin’ MTV channels are there? I mean it’s called Music TV but all that’s ever on is reality programming. I’m so pissed off I’m intent on making a play for MTV ownership once I have enough funds. Any of y’all interested in contributing to a $20bn bid? No? Well, keep ur crap ass piggy banks then. Mark this date in ur diaries though ‘cos when I take over MTV I’m also gonna be in charge of programming and artistes are gonna pay. Read my blistered ass cheeks: they are gonna pay!

B4 any music videos are played on TMTV (Tunde’s Music TV) I’m gonna interview artistes and if they don’t pass muster their videos are gonna end up in the trash. If I took over today I’ll take the following rappers to task:

1. SNOOP DOGG: U heard the singles from his latest CD? I’da written those rhymes in my sleep. Nada captivating about the lyrics. He’d better thank God everyday for Pharrell Williams’s production skills. Gangsta, my blistered ass cheek. The guy’s now as commercial as MC Hammer was in his prime – go check out his Tmobile commercial. Shame on u, Snoop. U’re getting no play on TMTV.

2. JA RULE: Need I say more? Go back to ur mama’s crib and ask her for some breast milk. If I hear another rapper talking about selling drugs or being in jail I’m gonna ask for proof b4 their videos are played on TMTV.

3. DMX: Needs to get a rabies injection before shooting any more videos; those dog growls on ur songs are so passé. Come up with a new concept or u ain’t getting any air time.

4. EMINEM: Makes decent videos, but unless he has something new to talk about I think we’ll have a moratorium on his videos. Okay, maybe not.

5. 50 CENT: Even worse than Ja Rule. This make-up wearing, baby oil using punk got his ass whupped by a Nigerian artiste when he went over there for a concert. Guess a blow to the head hurts more than 9 bullets, huh? Punk ass punk. Take ur studio gangsta self to another music channel.

6. THE GAME: Now this 50 CENT/DR. DRE/EMINEM protégé’s almost as bad as 50 CENT. I read an article in which he was asked why he’d a tear tattooed below his eye. This punk said something along the lines of: “…..u have a tear tattoo if u’ve either killed someone or u’ve been to jail, and I’ve never been to jail…”. Yeah, right! Again, I’ll ask for proof b4 his video gets played on TMTV. He musta attended the 50 CENT school of getting a record contract, i.e. get ur mates to shoot u (9 times or thereabouts) in non-lethal parts of ur body and then claim to be a drug-dealing pimp who was gunned down by rivals. When u get a record contract hook ur mates up with their own contracts in ur newly formed record label. Punk ass punks, all of them.

7. JAY-Z: Another guy who claims to have sold drugs. Until he provides someone who actually bought something stronger than marijuana from him he’s getting no air time on TMTV. Yeah, a birth certificate would also be helpful. Have u noticed how no one knows how old this guy is? He’s the American answer to CRAIG DAVID.

8. ATHLETES: Nah, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against athletes trying their hands at other careers. In fact TMTV will have a reality show based on that concept. Thing I can’t stand is athletes appearing in music videos when they’d be training (LENNOX LEWIS) or they aren’t pulling their weight on their teams (STEPHON MARBURY). Videos featuring such lazy sods are gonna be canned.

Now I’m sure y’all agree that MTV would be better viewing if my rules were adapted. Also, I think some of the reality shows on MTV need a TMTV makeover:

1. NEWLYWEDS should be changed to LONGTIME MARRIED (and we can’t be bothered anymore) starring Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. Talk about quality programming.

2. PIMP MY RIDE should be remade into PIMP MY GIRLFRIEND, where ubiquitous Snoop hosts and guys whose girlfriends have been caught cheating can watch as their girlfriends are pimped to crack addicts.

3. CRIBS can become MY MAMA’s HOUSE. On this show has-been celebrities take us on a tour of their bedroom which also doubles up as their parents’ basement. I’d love to watch an episode featuring Sir Mix-A-Lot living with his kids in the prop of huge buttocks from his Baby Got Back video.

4. PUNKED could be transformed to HERE’s UR DADDY!!!!!, where athletes with loadsa kids are hunted down and forced to take DNA tests. Can u imagine the look on Shawn Kemp’s face when confronted by Ashton Kutcher and a home DNA test kit. Genius.

Okay, I have had enough fantasizing for one day. Y’all can’t blame me, Arsenal played woefully yesterday and as a result I’ve been stuck in a trance all day. God bless. Tot ziens.

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