Monday, October 24, 2005

Coming To America was autobiographical……my autobiography

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo está el tiempo en su vecindad? Man, was crazy hot today. It was so hot, I don’t think there’s any better means of convincing peeps of the existence of hell. Once heard of an American pastor who travelled to the northern part of Nigeria for a crusade. The place was so hot the guy preached from his car……..with the a/c on full blast…….and cut short the crusade from 3 days to a few hours. Hilarious stuff.

Ride messed up on Friday and had to drive home in the steaming heat with no a/c. Man, it was bad. To top it all off, some creep in a FERMA uniform tried to extort money from me for some traffic violation he alone knows about. Maybe I’ve got a Please extort money from me sign on my forehead ‘cos last week, some dude with a walkie-talkie (no uniform, just a t-shirt, jeans and walkie-talkie) stopped me in traffic and said I didn’t indicate properly before overtaking. Oh like I’m gonna listen to this dude with no ID. He called his mate (no uniform, just a t-shirt, jeans and walkie-talkie also) over and threatened to take me to their station (that probably existed in his weed-induced imagination). Long discovered that if u ever admit wrongdoing in Nigeria it’s just an excuse for peeps to run roughshod over u, so I told them my office wasn’t too far from the spot and offered to go to their station if I’d only pick up something from the office. Maybe the spate of kidnappings in Lagos convinced them to back off, I dunno, but next time one of those dudes stops me over some trumped up charge I swear I’m going postal.

This corruption thang in Nigeria’s driving me insane. If it’s not the law or traffic enforcement dudes it’s everyone else. Had a problem with the ride last week and discovered then that my last mechanic charged me loads for a used car part. Real hurt ‘cos after I returned to the country I decided that best way to deal with peeps is to trust them completely and that way they’ll trust u too. Huge mistake. When are us Nigerians gonna discover that quick money never lasts? If the mechanic had done a proper job at a proper price he’d still be my mechanic. I still hold out hope though; Nigerians pls prove me wrong. It's sad cos once you betray a client’s trust it can’t be repaired as easily, just like in marriage. Woah, just realized I used a mechanic-customer analogy to explain trust issues in relationships; guess I’m a ‘normal’ man after all.

Man, just discovered I complain loads about crap leadership, corruption and the like in Nigeria and I’m sick of it. I must remember to publicize great things about Nigeria also. In all honesty, I wouldn’t wanna live anywhere else ‘cos it’s such a dynamic, unique place. For instance, last Monday I heard the theme from Titanic (My Heart Will Go On…….and on and on and on) while stuck in traffic and wondered as to its source. Turns out it was from a motorbike. Yup, when the rider honks the horn Celine Dion belts out a tune. I kid u not. U gotta love Nigeria for these things. Here’s a list of what peeps told me they noticed in the past week alone.

1. Mate’s car broke down and ‘area boys’ (touts) who helped her push the car decided to push it backwards into traffic ‘cos they feared if they pushed it forward (away from traffic) she’d drive off w/o giving them gratuity for their 'work'.
2. 2 lame beggars on their home-made roller boards fighting, while other lame beggars watched, ‘cos one ‘trespassed’ on the other’s territory.
3. Saw an obituary in a newspaper and the dude had JP (Jerusalem Pilgrim) as a suffix. I mean the dude’s dead, who cares if he’s visited Jerusalem or not.
4. Mate was stopped by the police and as he didn’t have diddly squat on him the policeman asked to make a call on his phone. Since he takes the same route daily, the police guy now stops him all the time whenever he feels like making a call.

Okay, last one was facetious, but u catch my drift. Where else in the world can u experience such weird quotidian activities? Another thing, of all the public transport drivers in this great country I’ve never seen any wearing a pair of spectacles. Wanna tell me they all have 20-20 vision? Hmmmm, maybe that’d explain the reason for all the accidents on our roads.

I see another hurricane (Miss Wilma) is heading towards the Americas. Man, what a year for catastrophes, huh? There’s a joke told among ignorant Nigerians that our natural disasters are human. Feel free to laff if u Nigerian, but if u not, u know u can be accused of bigotry, right? Ha huh ha huh ha Man, it brings a joyful tear to my eye when I remember what ignorance / guilt does to peeps. My ex-girlfriend (she’s Asian) told me of a time she visited her Caucasian friend and the girl’s mom apologized for all the things “my ancestors did to your people”. What does one say to that? Just like when u hear Hollywood stars talk of their trips to AFRICA and u later find out they only visited South Africa. Or when black celebrities trace their ancestry to South Africa, Ghana, Nigeria (in the case of Wesley Snipes), but decide to their forefathers never resided in conflict zones like Sudan, Somalia, Cote D’Ivoire, etc. U gotta laff. While in the UK (at least I think it was the UK…man, this weed’s affecting me) I read an article about an African culture showcase. What grabbed my attention was a poem entitled Embattled Hymen. I think it was about female castration (…….or maybe the tale of a woman’s struggle to remain a virgin in this day and age. Okay, okay I’ll stop smoking the herb.) Anyways, the poem reminded me of a Nigerian artist in the Netherlands who said he’s a prince and only painted in primary colors ‘cos that is “what Africa’s about”. Yeah right. Dude (sorry, prince) probably didn’t finish art school so decided to make up for his shortcomings by using that primary colors line. U can’t blame us Nigerians though ‘cos non-Africans, especially Caucasians, lapped this shite up. U’da seen how excited my Dutch roommate was when he read that. “A Nigerian prince and a painter!, he screamed, “don’t u wanna go see the exhibition?” Musta ruined his perception of Africa when I told him that all Nigerians can conveniently trace their ancestry to royalty. Hey, if Hollywood stars can do it………

Entertainment news: Rocky VI (working title is Rocky Balboa) is in pre-production. Stallone’s slated to act, write and direct it. Man, used to be a huge ass Stallone fan as a kid. Even his looptiloop mama’s behavior couldn’t diminish my fondness for the dude. Here’s hoping this movie makes more sense than Rocky V or Driven. Man, the latter was a putrid mess; virtually dead on arrival. Even Gina Gershon’s upturned lips couldn’t give it the kiss of life.

Work news: The parent company that owns the club’s having a Founder’s Day shindig so all strippers from sister clubs are mandated to show up. It’s almost like a strip-free day. As a means of initiation into the family of strippers all new recruits are required to introduce themselves and show off their signature move before the shindig progresses. It’s not all fun and revelry though. During the course of the day we learn about the founder, what he stood (rather danced) for, words of advice from the dude, etc. U gotta admire the dude though; he’s 80 yrs old and still does active stripping. Not sure who would wanna see him, but ‘cos he’s such a legend of our trade – in his prime he was reported to have danced for 24 hrs nonstop, for a group of gay Arab princes - he still gets hired for funerals and such.

Breaking news: On October 22nd a plane from Lagos to Abuja lost communication with the control tower about 3 minutes after taking off and no one knew what happened for over 12 hours. Yep, 12 flipping hours. If that wasn’t bad enuff it was a local TV station that first showed pictures of the wreckage, while the government-funded NTA (Nigerian Television Authority), the self-proclaimed largest TV network in Africa, hadn’t a clue and actually insisted the wreckage was hundreds of miles away at another location. As expected, the reporter that discovered the wreckage was visibly shaken, but got pissed off when the emergency services arrived over 3 hours after she located the wreckage. Now y’all understand why Nigerians are so religious.
As at the time of writing the government-funded Nigerian Broadcasting Commission (NBC) has suspended transmission by the local TV station for “unprofessional conduct for showing close-up pictures of casualties........and stating that there are no survivors before the families of the dead were informed". Sounds like the antics of a sore loser to me. Man, u’d heard the so-called aviation specialist the NTA had on to explain what coulda happened to the plane. The dude and the interviewer were both clueless. I swear the banter b/w those two should be recorded for posterity. Here’s a snippet.

Interviewer: So what do u think happened to the plane?
A.S: As an Aviation Specialist I’ll have to say we need to investigate this further. First, I heard the plane took off at 8.15pm last nite, then on this very TV station u changed it 8.20pm, then 8.30pm. All these differences in time can explain a lot.
Interviewer: I see. Well, from the pictures shown it appears the plane disappeared underground.
A.S (probably wondering where this lady got her facts from): Are u sure? Disappeared?! Underground?! *cynical laughter* Hmmm, if it truly disappeared then there’s more to this than normal. Maybe it crashed nose first, maybe it was in a swampy area…..was the area swampy?
Interviewer (nodding to herself): Erm, erm, I think so……

That’s how sad the reporting was.

A cross-section of Nigerians was interviewed about the plane crash and one dude in particular shoulda been smacked across the face with the mike. “It’s shameful about our response to emergencies. Can u imagine the number of senators, the number of members of the House of Rep, the number of ministers who could have been on that plane?!”, he exclaimed. I must commend the Minister of Information for snapping at a reporter who asked him to substantiate claims that dignitaries were on board the plane. It’s this ass-kissing approach that pisses me off about Nigerians. Was on a flight from Abuja on October 19th when both the air stewardess (while taking us thru safety instructions) and pilot (while talking about crap stuff like altitude that nobody ever pays attention to) began with, “Honourable minister, ladies and gentlemen……” Who gives a hoot if a government minister’s on the plane? As long as I get my crap in-flight meal I’m easy.

Back to the plane crash, we are so ill equipped for emergencies it’s laughable. FEMA’s response to Hurricane Katrina is lightning quick when compared to what we experience here. The sad thing is we never learn….and those in charge are clueless. Peep this, a few months ago a bridge collapsed and few peeps drowned. When a former government minister went to the scene he remarked on how sad the incident was and suggested the peeps who live around the area be taught to swim in order to prevent such massive loss of life the next time. Yes, this really happened. In another no-he-didn’t-just-say-that moment a member of the ruling party responding to the recent hike in gas prices suggested Nigerians stop complaining and ride bicycles more often. Sound like a good idea? Sure. Problem is we don’t have pedestrian lanes on our roads; motorbikes have enuff trouble on Nigerian roads let alone peeps on bicycles. Anyways, some time after his statement the dude was run over by a car and hospitalized while…wait for it…..riding his bicycle. And some peeps say God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

In other news, the first lady of this great country died in the wee hours of October 23rd while undergoing surgery in a Spanish hospital. May God give the family succour to bear this loss. While calling peeps to ask if they had heard the news the following was heard from a few mates: “Man, heard she went to Spain for plastic surgery. Think about it, why do u think we weren’t told what her ailment was? I hope we get a public holiday tomorrow ‘cos of this.” Maybe the new tagline for the Nigeria Tourism should be: Come to Nigeria, pure altruism……. The government announced three days of national mourning for the casualties of the plane crash and the first lady. No public holiday? Yup, and I think that was the right decision.

Okay mates, gotta take my mind off the tragedy. Gonna watch TV…and hope Chelsea FC loses to Everton. As if. Yeah, was watching MTV on Friday when I Want A Famous Face came on. To the uninitiated – u lucky, lucky people – the show documents what peeps go thru in order to look like celebs. Anyways this already gorgeous chick undergoes a boob job, lip job, nose job and liposuction in order to look more like Carmen Electra. She does this primarily ‘cos her boyfriend likes big boobs and loves Carmen Electra. Anyways, after the surgery she says the pain she went thru will be worth it if her boyfriend makes a commitment. At the end of the show we are told the dude finally committed to being her…..wait for it……boyfriend. U what? Yes, apparently the dude she had the surgery for wasn’t even her boyfriend. Talk about low self esteem. Man, if that chick’s not a stripper she’d take classes asap ‘cos that’d be her calling.

Okay really gotta go now…..wait, it’s 3 minutes to go and Chelsea and Everton are even. I’ll settle for that. ‘Til next time, tot ziens and God bless.

Man, u shoulda heard the President’s prayer for the nation and his family. Real touching, his pain was palpable. Please continue to pray for him.

Just heard that a mate Patrice was on the plane that crashed. Man, sure brings this home. My fingers are shaking as I type this. May the good Lord look after his family.

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Friday, October 14, 2005

Yes, I once had a thing for Tatyana M. Ali and Samantha Mumba

Hola peeps. El extremo está cerca. Primeros huracanes, ahora terremotos. Man, real crazy. How have y’all been? Buzzing ‘cos laptop’s been retrofitted so now listening to Country Western daily. Man, the songs take me back to the States and how much fun I had driving in my car Samantha. Samantha (not Sam, but Samantha) and I did have some good times. Hate to say it but loved her more than most of my girlfriends, though not as much as Tatyana, my first car. Remember when some dude in Bradford tried to violate her, but messing up the right door. Spent a fortune fixing it ‘cos my baby always has to look good. Good times, good times.

Job’s the same ol’ same ol’. Working like crazy ‘cos I’ve decided to strip my way to the top; I know it’s easier to sleep one’s way to a position in management, but it’s against my morals. Yes, I’ll titillate, but refuse to go all the way. So committed to this new way of thinking I find myself stripping at odd hours and odd locations. The other day I performed for this freaky lady in her back seat on her way to work. Yup. She kept looking at me thru her rearview mirror and screaming “shake it baby, shake it”. I swear she’s bipolar ‘cos about 2 minutes into my second lapdance, rather backseat dance, she stopped the car abruptly, threw money at me and politely asked me to get out or else she’d call the cops. Thank goodness I got a mate to drive behind her or else y’all woulda seen news reports about some dude walking along the highway decked out in a bowtie, g-string and a pair of fluffy boots. Man, how embarrassing would that have been!

Speaking of news, President Obasanjo says we are ready for electronic voting; ready to be cheated out of our vote more like. Lemme tell u how ready we are: on October 12th there was a dense fog in some areas of Lagos and visibility was real bad. Anyways, watching the news at night and the correspondent is reporting from the scene with a hanky across her nose ‘cos “this gas is affecting the nostrils”. She then proceeds to interview a cross-section of peeps with varying colors of hankies across their noses. Each person then posits a theory as to what they think is happening. Answers ranged from, “the gas is poisonous so I am covering my nose” to “it’s harmful to humans”. Must tell u that the guy who put forward the latter assertion didn’t even have a hanky across his nose; he just seemed happy to be on TV. And u wanna tell me the populace is ready for electronic voting, as if. In my humble opinion I think electronic voting would cause peeps to rig elections easier since there’s no paper record and there are no plans to test it on a pilot scale.

Back to the fog. As I type this a day later, no one knows for sure the cause of the intense fog. The state commissioner for the environment suggested what we observed was, and I quote, “an atmospheric pollution”. Come on somebody, please give this guy a Nobel prize for his insight. Seriously, if our leaders haven’t the foggiest (geddit?) idea what we dealing with, or its source of origin, then it’s time for a change. If George Weah can contest for the top post in Liberia, what’s stopping me doing the same here? Dear all, my name is Babatunde Olisameka Joseph Abiola Odeyemi and I’m running for the post of President of this great country of ours. I hope y’all will vote for me……y’all had better ‘cos I got juicy dirt on most of u and I’ll use it if I have to.

Wanna laff ur ass out? Watch Nigerian music videos, esp. folk who don’t have talent and family’s probably too afraid of them to let them know they truly stink. Man, these dudes really suck. The only comparison to this level of suckness I can think of is those infomercials shown in the wee hours of the morning in the States. One memorable one was for a totally natural drug for penis enlargement. Can’t remember what it was called but the talk-show setup used to capture our attention was so bad it makes one feel so bad one might considering buying the totally natural miracle drug just to put some money in their pockets. Too bad I’m black. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Anyways back to the infomercial: the acting was crap, the faux talk-show host had a shiny red ‘80s suit that even pimps woulda rejected, of the 2 actress/models (more like strippers) that were invited to convince us that ‘bigger is better’ one was cross-eyed and the other had a lisp so bad u’d think she was voiced by Mel Blanc. Seriously, it was appallingly bad, and that’s just like most Nigerian music videos on terrestrial TV. If it’s a religious song u can bet ur last penny it’ll follow the ff format: the video’s shot in a garden or public park and singer holds hands up in the air at least 50 billion times as a sign of praise, singer’s wearing a traditional getup and so are the dancers/backup singers, and dancers (who are probably from the singer’s church/family and are too embarrassed to tell the singers they shouldn’t have wasted their money on studio time) smile like Cheshire cats continuously. Of course, there’s the odd exception to the rule, but most of them are as described above. The other day saw this teenager singing a gospel song and was real proud that not all kids are into that bucktoothed, half-dollar-moniker punk……then I saw the saw the rest of the video where her parents/video director/deranged stylist/some joker who has a sick sense of humor dressed her up in some crappy white blazer that make her look like Michael Jackson. If anyone knows the chick I’m referring to, do tell her to get in touch with me if she ever wants to sue her parents; my sister just graduated from law school and I’m sure I’d convince her to take on the case pro bono.

Yeah, just discovered my sister plans to get married next year after I walked in on a conversation between her and my mom. I mean this is my younger sis for goodness sake and no one thought fit to tell me. Maybe it’s time I sorted out this blasé attitude of mine ‘cos it’d be the death of me. I’m glad she’s getting married though as her boyfriend’s a nice chap and I pray all turns out nice for them. Yeah, man, my prayers are working ‘cos now enjoy chilling with my mom and we haven’t had an argument in ages. I even told her about my relationship. Yup, I did. Whatever next, she teaching me how to prepare culinary delights? Not so fast.

Entertainment news: Sharon Stone’s supporting Kate Moss over her drugs shame ‘cos, in her words, “we all make mistakes.” Yep, her career after Basic Instinct’s been one huge mistake.
Just discovered that Babyface and his wife are separating. Hmmm, this coupled with Brian McKnight’s divorce a few years back (amid rumors of wife battery) makes normal guys like me feel somewhat less pressured. I know it’s sad to have such feelings as a result of one’s misfortunes, but these guys are damn good. I mean they wrote / write songs that capture the essence of a woman – go listen to the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack - and to think that they somehow failed at marriage provides hope to every slob out there who thinks he can’t measure up. Reminds me of a time in Bradford when my best mate Mohammed and I were dating two roommates. Mohammed loved to cook so he’d spend most evenings preparing meals for his girlfriend. Moi? I’d either get takeout – I put the ‘M’ in McDonalds – or conveniently show up at Mohammed’s after he’s toiled over the cooker for hours. Anyways, after Mohammed’s girlfriend yakked on and on about how great her boyfriend is my girlfriend starts bugging me about cooking for her. “Anything would do, even beans and toast…”, she said. After doing this for a few weeks I finally succumbed…….and broke up with her. Why u looking at me like that? Hey, it was way too much pressure! I mean it was a bad time for me: Arsenal wasn’t playing too well, Michael Jordan retired from the NBA, and I had a bad case of acne. Now u understand why I had to take such drastic actions, right….right?

Sports news: Nigerians missed out on a World Cup ticket. All I can say is na na na na na. Maybe this will teach us to prepare better for tourneys.......nah, this is Nigeria after all. Never known a country whose citizens have God at the tip of their tongues yet far from their hearts.

Aiight peeps, the ‘uppers’ are wearing off so gotta go. Wait, y’all didn’t know about the totally natural, erm, herbs?! 2 blogs in less than 2 weeks, even James Brown doesn’t work that hard. Tot ziens and God bless.

Hey, just remembered. The name of that totally natural penis drug is ALZAIR.

Just thot of a bad joke. Maybe Brian McKnight wrote Back At One as a threat to his wife: One, never seen a face so blue; Two, I know u wanna hit me too; Three, girl it’s plain to see that my punch stings u like a bee; Four, repeat steps 1 thru 3; Five, make u fall over the settee; if ever u raise ur voice back at me, then I’ll start back at one. Here’s the disclaimer: I know physical abuse’s not funny, but u gotta laff, right? Okay, I will just shut up now.

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Thursday, October 06, 2005

The one about the charity bands

Hola peeps. ¿tan cómo tener usted todo ser? Moi? My protest is over. Did I succeed? Did I squat! Man, these guys are so good at arm-twisting I suspect they work for the mob. After I embarked on my proudly-hirsute lifestyle they turned the screws further by revoking some privileges such as health-cost reimbursement. Now I gotta pay for mandatory monthly trips to the chiropractor; these are mandatory, ‘cos one’s finished in the exotic-dancing trade when one can no longer touch one’s toes with one’s tongue.

I was so frustrated I marched into the HR office - yes, we now have one – and railed at the top of my voice about how unfairly they had been treating me. The ff exchange ensued:

HR head (surprisingly decked out in a striped blazer with matching pocket square, suspenders and thong, but no trousers): U foolish piece of meat, u think u are the first one to rebel?
Tunde (thinking to himself): I wonder where this dude got the matching thong from. That’s slick. I’d use that in an act. Let’s see, I’ll need a white cat, a hook, some talcum powder….
HR head: Are u gonna answer me?! U playing dumb, huh? Just wait til we implement a pole tax, then u gonna be even more broke.
Tunde (gets back to his senses on hearing the T-word): Why are u doing this to me, is it ‘cos I’m black?
(Just then I realized that the racist card wasn’t gonna work ‘cos everyone in the bloody organization’s black. I mean this is Nigeria for goodness sake!)
HR head (tears streaming down his ears ‘cos he was laughing so hard): Man, now I remember why I employed u in the first place. U are the only one here who’s got more going for them than having a washboard stomach. I’m gonna restore ur privileges if u promise to shave and agree to give my 80 yr old mama as many lap dances as she deems fit; but u are still getting taxed!

I regret to say I gratefully accepted his offer and left his office promptly. Now, I’m seeing a shrink in order to get my mojo back. Once February comes along I’m leaving here so fast y’all would think I stole something; come to think of it, I’ll probably nick that blazer-thong combo just to stick it to them. So if u ever walk into a strip club with a missing pole and a TUNDE WUZ HERE AND PEED ON ALL THE SEATS sign in green lead paint then u know u’ve stumbled upon my previous place of employment.

Was watching TV the other day when I saw Ceelo’s teenage daughter’s birthday. Man, that dude coughed up loads for the shindig and all I could think was, “erm, at what point do parents realize their kids are, erm, u know, not exactly good looking?” At what point do they cut their losses and say, “screw it, our kid is never gonna look presentable without some major help from folk at Extreme Makeover so let’s endeavor to spend as little money as possible on this kid.”

Some politics news: Y’all heard about the Nigerian governor arraigned before a court in the UK for money laundering? His lawyers argued for bail to be granted to enable the guy recuperate from his recent surgery in Germany. Turns out the dude went to Germany for a……wait for it….tummy tuck. Man, I hope the prison food helps the ‘healing’ process. The punk.
Just to prove that Nigeria’s not the only country where the leaders are ethically-challenged, Tom DeLay, former House Majority Leader, was forced to step down from his post after a series of scandals and an indictment by a grand jury on one count of criminal conspiracy. Serves the dude right.

Entertainment news: nada of note. Just happy Tom and Katie have disappeared from my TV screens. Now if only someone could shoot 50 Cent again I’ll be a happy bunny. Tired of seeing / hearing about the dude. Man, can’t even stand his songs anymore. It’s almost as if he’s rap’s answer to R. Kelly ‘cos everything he raps about now is girls, girls, girls. Almost as if he’s trying to reassure us he’s heterosexual. Hmmmmm…..50, sure there isn’t something u wanna share with the public? Ha huh ha huh ha. Can’t fault the guy though, he’s now so rich he’d have his own currency. If I’d that dude’s money I wouldn’t be decked out in diamonds (even if they are conflict-free ones…yeah, thanks Kanye for that dud statement at the end of ur video.) or have a fleet of fancy rides. No, not me. Instead I’d dye my hair blonde – did that once but most peeps laffed and wondered if I was getting in touch with my gay side; but when Sisqo or Dennis Rodman does it they are termed “eccentric” ‘cos they are rich – and do crazy stuff like pay someone loadsa money to have a comical job title such as HO. Hi. I’m Jeff and I’m a HO. Hilarity ensues. Okay b4 u say it, I know I need help.

Yeah, my mate’s wedding was aiight, but the bachelor’s eve party was a disaster. The party was scheduled for a Friday and the dudes from the UK thot it best to arrange the shindig themselves, even though most of them arrived on the preceding Wednesday. Let’s just say after spending an hour or so there I jetted out to another bachelor’s eve party that was off the chain. The best thing about that week wasn’t the parties or catching up with mates; it was the look in my mate Edward’s (he was the best man) eyes during the wedding ceremony. Ever had a mate who’s been in a relationship for so long it’s almost a certainty he’s getting hitched? U know the type: he’s so cool with all her family they see nada wrong in lending him their ride when his is faulty, her folks refer to him as son, etc. Well, that’s Edward. The dude was lucky that it rained during the wedding so the weather was quite cool; if not he’da been sweating profusely. Why, u ask. ‘Cos he’s next in line to get married…..and the dude realizes that ugly fact! Man, watching him was crazy hilarious.

About 2 weeks ago got a call from my ex in Spain and she called to inform me she’d be home for Xmas and wanted to know if I’d “have time for her.” What exactly does that mean? Told my bro about this and while laffing he told me about an ex who’s been blowing up his phone for over a week now. Turns out the chick’s planning to move back to Nigeria and wants to see if they can rekindle what they once had. They embarked on a relationship in 1992 and broke up a few months later, but they messed around on a few occasions from 1992 ‘til 2002. Anyways, she calls him outta the blue, tells him she plans to move back home and asks what the chances are of them getting back together. Dude tells her he ain’t interested as he’s in a serious relationship. She then goes on a rant about how she doesn’t mind and she’s sure she can usurp the ‘girlfriend’ role in time so long as he doesn’t piss her off by talking about his current girlfriend whenever she’s around. (Yup, just like a woman to insert conditions when the ball isn’t in her court. U gotta love them though.) Wanna know why she’s fretting all of a sudden? She’s turning 33 before the end of the year and is jonesing for a husband big time. In the words of my bro, “Man, Yellow, na by force say man must agree with wetin woman talk? I’ve told this chick I am not interested yet she calls me about 20 times a day and I keep avoiding her calls, u’d think she’d get the message by now. I can’t even mess with her now ‘cos she’s so keen to get married kissing her on the cheek would probably result in pregnancy.” Yup, trust my bro to make a case for abstinence, albeit a twisted one.

Sad thang is I’m not shocked by the chick’s actions. I can recount a thousand and one stories of infidelity perpetrated by women since I’ve been back and it’s crazy. U have mates of mates who caught their wives cheating 6 months into the marriage, women who got their freak on a week before getting hitched and so on and so on. My fav is of this chick who confessed to her husband a week before she got married that she had been sleeping with a mate of mine. The guy initially said he wasn’t going go through with the wedding but after pleas from both sets of parents he succumbed. Man, how does one bring oneself to ever trust such a woman? I mean guys do worse, so I can just imagine how their wives(-to-be) feel. Man, this stuff almost sours one on marriage; my bro’s already lamented on how hard it is to find a woman one can trust. Lol…seems he’s afraid his atrocities will come home to roost. Realized from all this that what one needs in marriage is not love or money; if one has God then all the other stuff will fall into place. Just look at Hosea (well, I think it’s him) in the Bible, his wife slept around and had kids for other peeps, but God told him to take her back every time. Now that’s crazy Abraham-like obedience. My bro maintains he can never take the chick back, even if Jesus came down and told him so. Yup, trust my bro to make a case for spending the rest of eternity in hell.

Aiight peeps, I gotta go see my shrink. Tot ziens and God bless.

If u still curious celadon is………wait for it……..grayish yellow green.

Stop the press. Tom and Katie just announced that they are expecting a baby. Hey, wasn’t Tom supposed to have low sperm count? Knew those two would do anything to stay in the public eye.

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