Saturday, November 13, 2010

No one wants to be the bad guy…..unless there’s an Academy Award nomination to be garnered

Hola peeps. Before I apologize for my unnecessarily prolonged absence I first wanna wish my younger sis Seyi feliz cumpleaños. She turns 30 today and I wish her the best.
Now where was I? Yes, I have a valid excuse for not posting a blog entry since June - man, that’s over 5 months! It was due to pure, unadulterated laziness.

Yup. U’d see my huge stomach now; doing my utmost to get my mystical six-pack back, and boy is it difficult! From June until August work was crazy busy but then I took September off work to relax in Lagos and just when I had pumped up myself to return to the strains of the Niger Delta my boss called and suggested, nah mandated, I take my remaining vacation time – originally reserved for the Xmas holidays –as the R.I.G. I was scheduled for delayed its arrival into the country. As I type this the R.I.G. still ain’t here and I am going stir crazy in Warri. Been back 2 weeks and I have already made it to Lagos twice.

I went jogging at least once a week in September but October was where I disappointed myself. U know how those women in the movies binge on food after being dumped or left at the altar or just ‘cos it says so in the script, well the same happened to me after I was told to take an unplanned month off. Seems I am in a truly emotional relationship with my job, doesn’t it? I came to that realization during my 2-month break. In addition to that light-bulb moment I also discovered I am a talented prognosticator. U’d think during my 60 days of lounging I at least woulda blogged, right? Shameful. Gregory Maguire’s Wicked trilogy that I promised myself I’d read? Unread. New dance moves for my students on the R.I.G.? Unchoreographed.

My only success from 8 weeks of zzzzzz was getting my tee shirt designs made. Yes!!!! I finally did it peeps. It took 5 years of empty promises, 5 years of unreturned phone calls, 5 years of “My bro/sis/husband/cousin can do that for u, he’s quite talented” and discovering my arse hair had more talent than said relative, 5 years of wasted car trips when at the end of the trip I was forced to encourage myself, “oh well, at least her halitosis wasn’t as bad as the graphic designer I met two months ago”, 5 years of meeting peeps whose mouths were writing cheques their combined talent couldn’t cash, 5 years of wasted funds, 5 years of utter, utter agony. Yes, thank God Almighty I am free at last. Phew! Now the trick is to see it through unlike my ‘airline complaints website’ idea where I packed it in after the initial euphoria. So dear readers, if you want ur bespoke tees holler at ur fave lazy blogger.

Okay to show it was really work that kept me from blogging during the months of June through August here’s a snippet of a blog I started work on during that period:

It’s been a recurring theme this year where I publish a blog entry, apologize for the delay and promise not to repeat it again, and yet I do, and I do, and I do the same thing again like a recalcitrant nephew that knows his uncle Tunde would never punish him let alone carry out his threat to flog him with a cane. I sincerely apologize for staying away from y’all for so, so long and promise I’ll try to do better the next time.

The reason for the delayed responses? W-O-R-K. If it ain’t one thing it’s another. The workload’s been so intense I barely had time to zzzzz while on the R.I.G. Since last blog entry I have been on the R.I.G. twice, travelled to the UK once, travelled to Lagos from Warri four times, and seen my 12th nephew – yes, Ayo and Tinuke gave birth to a baby boy a week after Tayo and Keji had Tife. Oh yes, after last blog entry the BP well in the Gulf of Mexico was successfully capped. And now the news cycle has moved on from that to hourly updates of the Floridian pastor who planned to burn copies of the Koran on the ninth anniversary of the World Trade Center disaster. “To build an Islamic community center or not to build an Islamic community center; that is the question”. Shakespeare woulda had a field day with that line if his play were entitled ‘Hamed’. Thank goodness Wyclef Jean’s decided to run for the Haitian presidency else the Haitian earthquake woulda remained in the dark recesses of our mind.

Say what u want but human nature’s resilient, okay u can swap resilient for selfish. I lost an older cuz last week and at the funeral I almost shed a tear. Was crazy, crazy sad to see the children this 47 year-old lady left behind, but as soon as I returned home my mind switched gear from loss to the exhilaration at the thought of the upcoming Arsenal vs Bolton game after being deprived of EPL action for two weeks. U see? It’s a human thang. If u ever felt peeps would mourn for days after u died, or girls would go crazy after u got married just know it ain’t gonna happen. Peeps would move on with little or no remorse; it’s just the way we are wired.

As expected I gorged on movies whenever I was away from the R.I.G. Best movie I saw in three months? Inception. Chris Nolan proved once again that intelligent film-making does exist. Great script, great cast, great twist….unlike that crap Avatar that keeps doing my head in. Now I hear they making Avatar 2. Aaaarrrgggghhh!!! Worst movie I saw? Definitely Paranormal Activity. I thot I’d not fall for the hype ever again after the abysmal The Blair Witch Project. Even the cinema attendant advised me not to see Paranormal Activity, but I ignored him and wasted two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Awful, awful movie. Man, that girl could whine. “Micah this, Micah that…..” Bill Simmons got it right when he said that movie proved once again that the average guy would do anything for woman with big boobs. “My girlfriend is possessed….maybe I’d leave her, but then again where else would I find her, ahem, peculiar assets around here outside of a Hooters restaurant? Nah I’ll stay just for a few more days….” Awful, awful movie.

I haven’t done this in a while so let’s revisit my old blog format:

PH news: In the early part of the year I hardly visited PH due to work commitments but in the past few months I have been to PH more times than I can remember. The roads are somewhat better, but all remains the same. Traffic’s atrocious, power supply’s non-existent, and mates are still as weird as ever. The first day I arrived PH logged on to the firm network to find that an older colleague had sent a message to all in the department: “If u are reading this that means you are at work while I am on vacation. Needed to rest my head so took a break. I’d advise y’all to do the same. See y’all in two weeks.”

If I was in the US I’d be wary of that dude going ‘postal’ soon, but got reassured that us Nigerians don’t go to such lengths. It’s this age of Twitter and Facebook and keeping everyone informed with everything u do that’s causing this. I know I sound like a curmudgeon but it’s my time of the month, what can I do? Another common peeve is when those married folk at work try to make us singletons feel bad by copying everyone when they going on maternity/paternity leave. Soon I am gonna mock them by sending one of my own: “A bouncing baby boy has just been added to my household. Mistress, father (i.e. me), and baby are fine. Wife’s not too pleased and who can blame her? Meanwhile, I am hoping and praying bad stuff would happen to nagging mother-in-law….” Just waiting until I secure an alternative source of income b4 I send that email out, u know just in case those dudes don’t have a sense of humour.

Went to a bachelor’s eve party where the main organizer showed up even though his wife was at the hospital with labour pains. When I asked dude why he wasn’t at her side he said he suspects she’s acting up ‘cos she wasn’t keen on his attending the party. Well, wouldn’t u know that his wife gave birth to their first baby while dude was holding some random chick’s waist. Ha huh ha huh ha. See why I miss PH?!

A few days later mate took me out for his boss’s leaving do and made the worst mistake of all by trying out the ice cream on offer. Uuuggghhhh. It shoulda been called ‘colored ice’ instead. Only in PH…and maybe Warri…and yeah okay Bayelsa can non-sweet ice cream exist. (That reminded me of the colored moth balls I copped some months back in Lagos. That’s the worst invention since those crap stuff they make infomercials about. Shoulda been wary of them after I saw them in the ‘Reduced To Clear’ basket. Friggin’ colored moth balls have stained my clothes and forced a brother to spend twice as much on drycleaning.)

Remember mate who got married December 2007? Yeah, same dude whose baby’s gender I predicted? Well his wife was preggers with their second child and who do u think correctly predicted she’d have a girl? Yup, urs truly. In fact I was so confident I copped baby girl clothes while on vacation in the UK in July. Dude was so impressed he suggested I give Paul the Octopus a run for his money. Ha. Ever since his baby was born I have thot long and hard about it and trying to find a way to use my gift for the good of mankind. Even thot of making a costume with the inscription ‘PJ’ across the chest but then that’d be just naff…..except I get the right set of durable briefs to wear over the costume. The briefs have gotta be able to withstand the elements and u don’t want kids moaning that Nigeria’s newest superhero wears dirty drouse, do u? (Oh just in case y’all were wondering ‘PJ’ stands for Prophet Joseph. Seems apt with my Xtian name being Joseph, and like me my biblical namesake always predicted stuff happening in the future sorta like a Prophet. Okay I know it’s a corny name but it was either that or ‘BGPM’ i.e. Baby Gender Predicting Man.)

So y’all see? I sorta made an effort, right? Am I forgiven now? Awww, thanks. Since last ‘attempted’ blog entry younger bro Jide’s gotten married and that leaves Loye and moi as the only dudes in singledom. Laughed out loud when we were cracking on each other and dude suddenly turned serious by giving Loye advice on choosing a bride. Ha huh ha huh ha. Youngest bro Jide’s truly an anomaly; he got married at 27 while oldest bro Tayo didn’t get married until he was 31, Kinzo was a month shy of his 34th birthday when he got hitched, and Ayo walked down the aisle at 33. Glad he did it though ‘cos he had dated Bussie forever; I wish them the best. What I am most curious about is finding out how Jide’s gonna cope without Loye; those two are two peas in a pod. Now that Jide’s moved out of the house it would also make an interesting experiment to see if their room, now solely occupied by Loye, would get tidier; if it remains the same or gets worse, if that’s at all possible, then we can conclude in all likelihood Loye’s the untidy one that influenced Jide negatively.

Going over ‘attempted’ blog entry again it occurred to me that I did not expatiate on my travels. Guess I am not the lapidary storyteller I think I am. Hmmm, is that gonna make me halt my TV show idea now that my tee shirt scheme is up and running; what about my hilarious sketch for a male stripper that discovers religion but is still consumed by his profession, or the one about a heterosexual dude with a medical condition that causes his pee to smell like poo and his failed attempts at convincing all he ain’t gay, or the one where a couple try to spice up their sex life with edible undies only they got a bad batch that’s soiled with pee, or the one where I shoot a 3D movie where all I do is spit at the camera and if it’s a hit I make a sequel where I hire R.Kelly to pee at the camera? Nah, maybe an attempt at making blog entries less turgid would help refine filmmaking process. Yeah, I’ll try that, here goes… During trip to the UK I experienced:

1. The Ghost. My very own Paranormal Activity, only I did not have a camera to record the goings-on. A few days into my stay took out 400 quid from the bank, left 160 quid at home and went away for a few days. When I returned home I couldn’t locate the money…..well, for one couldn’t remember where I kept it. Searched everywhere and diddly squat. Now seeing as I was the only one with keys to the crib who else woulda taken funds but ‘The Ghost’.
If that was not enough when weighing suitcases at home – don’t wanna be one of those Nigerians that’s pulling stuff out of suitcases at airport – discovered there was a weight discrepancy depending on the room the weighing took place. In the room downstairs my suitcase weighed 20kg while same suitcase weighed 12kg in the hallway. It’s ‘The Ghost’ I tell ya. Currently trying to get in touch with Andrew Lloyd Webber…..

2. Kirk Franklin/Neyo hybrid. Went to some dingy club in London and music wasn’t so good at the start. Kept myself entertained by laughing at some dude with a Bobby Brown haircut – if u old school u know what I mean – and a perma-grin on his face that danced as if his right hand was on fire. Then, my night got even better after some chick who was dancing as if she was constipated abruptly sat down after she noticed another chick walk into the club with exact dress she had on; same colour, same frills at the shoulders, same everything. Hee hee. Comedy trifecta was complete after the music improved. There I was getting my steps on when I noticed a Kirk Franklin lookalike dressed like Neyo trying to do Neyo’s patented faux Michael Jackson moves. Man, that was an enjoyable night that temporarily made me forget about ‘The Ghost’ until the end of the night when I discovered 20 quid missing from my wallet. Damn money-nicking ghoul!

3. Zane’s BB addiction. “Hi all, my name is Zane and I am a BB addict”. Yup, my 7 year-old nephew’s a BlackBerry addict. Dude nicks his mom’s BB, creates Arsenal-related groups and invites everyone on her contact list. It was cute at first but now u just wanna wring his neck after ‘pings’ that keep one awake at night. Yeah, also discovered he’s a fan of Justin Bieber….yup, he’s definitely dropped a few notches on my cool nephew quotient. Erm, if u are keeping score out there Timayo currently has the highest CNQ, while Chinedu has the lowest for bursting into tears anytime he sees me.

Yeah, think that’s about it. Hey, not such a bad blogging experience after being out for so long, huh? See you guys soon…hopefully. Hee hee hee. Tot ziens and God bless.

Pssstttt….forgot to mention I also got engaged during 2-month break. Can u believe it, I am gonna be someone’s husband!!!!

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