Thursday, May 25, 2006

“Rhett, if u go where shall I go, what shall I do?” Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn

Hola peeps. Soy realmente triste. Arsenal lost the Champions League Final to Barcelona in a game we’da won, but don’t blame the ref for adhering to the latter of the law. Woke up the morning after thinking I’d dreamt about the loss, but alas it wasn’t so. Man, it hurts. Honestly, maybe God’s trying to tell me something with this loss, or maybe I’m reading too much into this. After the game ended I did the usual stock taking: maybe I jinxed the team by insisting if they won it’d be the greatest day of my life – one that having kids or getting married mightn’t top; maybe that ex-girlfriend is getting back at me for watching footie in Holland when I’da paid attention to her; maybe I REALLY shoulda watched that game alone and in the nude; maybe I shouldn’t have teased my colleague at half-time when we (Arsenal) were ahead. Worse thang about that game is I hated myself for thinking like my bro, who is a Man Utd fan, that Thierry Henry never raises his game on the big occasions. I mean how could he miss two one-on-one chances, those are usually bread and butter to him!

Nah, realized it ain’t my fault Arsenal lost. Just read that ‘cos of massive support for Arsenal in Nigeria some rural folk dressed cows in Arsenal jerseys. U see, THEY jinxed us! Man, loss was so bad I dreamt I was among the cast of X3 and a tree fell on me while performing a stunt. Weird thang is in my dream I relished that experience ‘cos it took my mind off the pain of Arsenal’s loss. Amazing what sport does to peeps, actually contemplated fasting on Wednesday (the game day) if it’d guarantee Arsenal a victory. Did I fast when the 3rd term malarkey (more on that later) seemed like yielding fruit? No. Did I fast when the Iraq war started? Nope. But I choose to fast when my team’s about to clinch their first Champions League trophy? Heck yes.

So what’s been happening in ur neck of the woods? Moi? Decided I have had enuff of gyrating for middle-aged chicks and going back to my roots, breakdancing. Got an offer from some dude in Port Harcourt (aka land of Bible-wielding prostitutes from few blog entries ago) who’s running a breakdancing club and decided to jump - pun intended - at the chance. Hey, u never know until u try, right? Man, gonna miss my colleagues in Lagos and Abuja big time and li’l things they do. There’s this dude whose laughter’s so crazily infectious it’d be a ring tone. Honest. My colleagues literally made each working day a blast – yep, they always seemed to have colicky arses……ha. Man, I kill myself – and shall cherish every minute of my time with them. However, a bit worried that after most peeps found out I was moving on they didn’t enquire as to the reason why I chose this path or try to convince me otherwise. All I heard was, “woah, u so lucky. Congrats”, like I have been trapped in a prison all this while. U know how u watch those movies where some dude’s leaving prison and other inmates start cheering? Well, feels like that right about now. Man, really gonna miss these peeps.

My sister’s engagement was on Sunday and it was hectic for moi ‘cos kept running around making sure guests were aiight. At the end of the day the family agreed – yes, we have feedback sessions after each huge party – that this shindig was the best we’ve ever had and least stressful. We musta had approx 1,000 peeps show up and I didn’t get to eat ‘til 10pm; yet these peeps say it was the least taxing of other parties hosted? U what?! Come to think of it, maybe they are right. If I recall, I was either too young or in a, erm, herb-induced haze during other major gatherings so I will accede to the family’s position…….this time. Anyways, guests said they had fun so it’s all good. The wedding’s next Saturday so bracing myself for another torrent of abuse by drunks who shall be refused that extra bottle of beer. OBTW I think I’ve found the least-expensive access to girls’ hearts: babies. Okay lemme rephrase that, cute babies. Spent most of the engagement with my 1 yr-old nephew ‘cos hadn’t seen him in ages and the dude’s the cutest li’l thang u’ve ever seen. Anyways chicks I didn’t know would stop by and say hello. It was ridiculous man. If I’d only find a way to bottle this pheromone I’d be minting my own currency.

Other family news: Discovered on Sunday that bro in the UK, Ayo, is coming home on the eve of the wedding. Maybe I really am too blasé ‘cos everyone in house, including neighbors and drivers, has known about this for at least 2 weeks.

On the day of the engagement the Odeyemi males (sans dad) were shooting the breeze and as is our wont we picked on someone to take the piss out of. The unlucky individual turned out to be my immediate younger bro, Loye. Overheard the dude expressing his intention to pick up his girlfriend; this, when the commencement of the engagement ceremony was only half an hour away. This led to the following exchange.

Kinzo: “Are u a punk? U hosting something at ur crib yet u wanna leave ur guests to pick up some chick?”
Loye: “But…”
Jide (youngest male): “Always knew u were whipped.”
Loye: “But…”
Tayo (oldest male): “What’s happening? No, son, u’d not do that. If she doesn’t drive, can’t she get in a cab?”
Loye: “But…”
Tunde: “I have seen the chick and she’s fine, but not that fine, dude. C’mon, tell her to take a cab.”
Loye: “Yes, I was gonna say that and …..”
Jide: “Liar u, if we hadn’t said anything u’da gone to her’s.”
Kinzo: “Yeah, that’s true. How u sure she’s not sleeping with some dude as we speak?”
Tunde: “Ha. Loye, these boys aren’t ur brothers….lol, but since we on that topic…”
Tayo: “Lol…that’s crazy. Dude, I can give u countless cases of…….”
Kinzo: “Yep, countless cases of when some chick’s done sleeping with some guy, comes to see me and as soon as I do my thang, she’s off to her boyfriend’s or some other dude.”
Tunde: “True that. There was this chick in the UK and another in Nigeria, u see they’d lie to their boyfriends they were going somewhere else and would show up at mine. So true, maybe ur girlfriend’s doing that right now. Ha.”
Loye: “I trust her, she cannot do that. She is…….”
Jide: “Always knew u were whipped.”
Kinzo: “Sad man. Look, don’t ever trust any woman. Lemme tell u of another scenario when……”
Tayo: “Look, women are nastier as us guys. U just gotta make sure u know what u’re doing.”
Tunde: “Exactly. I mean the fact that she’s cheating on u don’t make her bad.”
Kinzo: “Lol…..Yellow, u crazy. Lemme tell u about this other chick who had a boyfriend outta town….”

This musta gone on for at least 10 minutes. Bloody hilarious. Before y’all feel bad for Loye he does the same when the focus is on someone else. It’s almost like a rite of passage for Odeyemi males. Poor Loye musta doubted his girlfriend’s sincerity by the end of the, erm, tête-à-tête. Hmmmm…..maybe it’s time we Odeyemi males became more sensitive to each other’s feelings………………..nah, I mean what fun would that be?

Nigerian political scene: As most of y’all musta heard the 3rd term malarkey’s ended after the Senate finally developed some cojones and rejected the bill that contained the tenure elongation clause. First, OBJ said he wanted to go back to his chickens after end of his 2nd term; then, when the 3rd term thang was all the rage he said he won’t do anything unconstitutional; finally, after the Houses of Assembly finally did what they are paid to do, the dude said he never had nada to do with 3rd term in the first place. Oi, did y’all just see that pig zoom overhead? C’mon son, wanna tell me if the bill had been passed the dude wouldn’t have contested the next election?

Okay maybe I’d stop ranting and actually take the man at his word. Really thank God OBJ didn’t try to fight the will of the people. Didn’t I always tell y’all God was Nigerian? Funniest thang about this is that even though 3rd term’s ended opponents of the 3rd term are still scared of what OBJ might do. Absolutely ludicrous. Glad the 3rd term agenda failed ‘cos its proponents were getting a li’l too cocky. The PDP chairman once called opponents of 3rd term, “selfish egocentric and power-seeking people.” Whatever dude. In a sure sign that my songwriting hobby’s catching on the Deputy Senate President (main 3rd term culprit) was reportedly, “booed by colleagues………and some members began to chant disparaging slogans depicting that he was feeding fat on their collective fortunes and that of the nation. The song goes thus: "Things are getting better, Mantu is getting fatter, for the Lord will not accept, Mantu is getting fatter, Mantu is getting fatter, Mantu is getting fatter…..” A sure fire hit song if u ask me.

In other political news, Tony Blair’s not having it easy either. Dude’s stayed there so long problems (read, scandals) that drove the Tories outta power are threatening to turn that perma-fixed smile – man, dude smiles so much u’d think he was a gymnast in the Olympics, or even worse, an atilogu dancer – into a frown. The Labour scandal du jour when I was in the UK a few months back was the loans for peerage absurdity. Yup, find it absurd that peeps choose to pay thousands of pounds sterling in exchange for a lordship when for a thousandth of that sum they’d get multiple chieftaincy titles in Nigeria!

In the US….u know what, let’s skip that for now as I don’t have all day. Should I begin with the NSA eavesdropping on Americans, or the situation in Iraq, or the immigration kerfuffle? Nope, it’s best we skip that…for this week at least.

Sports news: To take my mind off Arsenal’s loss I am concentrating more on the NBA Playoffs and loving every minute of it. Am I gonna tell y’all what team I’m rooting for? Uh huh, don’t wanna jinx them; and besides, don’t think my heart can take another sports-related loss. While watching the games I realized I cannot stand the following.

1. Sports commentary with crap ass statistics: ‘Phil Jackson has never lost a playoff game when his team has led by more than ten points, and he has on a grey sports jacket with no breast pocket, and the game’s being played in a domed arena, and the outside temperature is above 99, and his dad is watching the game from home with his hair combed over to the left over his bald pate…….’ And I’m supposed to care ‘cos?

2. Athletes guaranteeing victory like Rasheed Wallace did 2ice during the playoffs. Dude ended up looking like a punk ass punk when his team lost both games he’d guaranteed they’d win. After the first loss he said, “It don’t matter. I mean even the sun shines on a dog’s ass now and then. I GUARANTEE we’re gonna beat them.” Then his team loses again and all of a sudden Rasheed discovers his long-forgotten congenital reticent gene. Punk ass punk.

3. American sports stars, especially the black ones, referring to themselves in the third person: U know the usual “Shaq’s gonna do what’s right for Shaq”, etc. C’mon son! I know there’s a term for people like that….and no it’s not ‘punk ass punks’. Serious, I read somewhere that peeps that do that are called illiests or something that rhymes with that. Pls if u know the answer lemme have it and I’ll send u my lucky g-string.

Other sports news: Tiger’s dad, Earl, passed away earlier this month. Please pray for the family.

In order to promote his new book chubby golfer John Daly confessed to losing $40-50m on gambling. Then, as if angered that someone was stealing his thunder, chubby ex-basketballer Charles Barkley fessed up as well. Could be there’s something in the food. Ha. Or maybe every celebrity in America feels they need to pull out the victim card now and then. Charles was asked, “do u believe John Daly when he says he lost $50-60m on gambling?” “Well, I don’t think it’s that much ‘cos if u lose $50-60m that means u must have made much more. I believe it’s maybe $20-30m and I hope he, sorry, WE can resolve OUR gambling problem.” “What, u mean u have a problem too, Charles?!” “Yes, a little. I mean I enjoy gambling and I am NOT gonna stop, but I want to get to a point where I’d be happy spending $1,000 a hand instead of $10,000; so that way I don’t lose as much.” Whatever, Charles, if u need some excitement in ur life go share a buffet with Shaq. Peeps, don’t be surprised if u hear Charles has a book coming out soon.

Entertainment news: Hype Williams is either the laziest music video director out there or the smartest. He does this thing on his videos now where the image is split into 3 horizontals screens showing different stuff. It was nice when it started, but now it’s pissing me off. Watch NeYo’s So Sick, Beyonce’s Check On It, Jamie Foxx’s Unpredictable, etc. and u’ll see what I am talking about. It’s literally, copy and paste; and the dude is paid over $100,000 per video. Nice job if u can get it.

Speaking of Jamie, saw one of those E! ranking shows listing Jamie Foxx as one of Hollywood’s hottest young stars. Jamie’s friggin’ 40 years old. That’s not young any way u look at it.

Saw a trifecta on bad movies last week: U’ve Been Served, Honey and….can’t remember the last one. Guess that’s what boredom in Abuja does to u….or maybe I’ve been imbibing exceedingly dangerous clips of Big Brother Nigeria. Anyways, choreography on U’ve Been Served was amazing. That said, dunno what I was expecting from the movie, but wasn’t impressed. Funniest scene was the end when two dueling groups were tied on points and Li’l Kim (who was one of the judges) suggests they take it “street”. Erm, excuse me, what was the difference b/w what was done earlier in the competition and the new “street” dance? So-called street dance was about as edgy as a sphere. Lol….man, maybe Li’l Kim’s better off in jail after all. She’s bete noire to movie lovers everywhere. Her acting’s so atrocious she’d be christened ‘the female Ja Rule’, or even worse, ‘the black Madonna’.

In other news, nothing funny to say about Sharon Stone this week. Sorry peeps, maybe it’s time I went and thought up some. Tot ziens and God bless.

Oh yeah, Tunde just discovered the team Tunde was rooting for are now out of the NBA playoffs. Forget crap ass pheromones maybe Tunde’d sell Tunde’s ‘anti-victory’ services to sports fans. Yup, if u want the opposition to lose don’t bother bribing referees just give Tunde a shout.

Colleagues (soon to be ex-colleagues) organized a li’l surprise gathering as this is my last week with them. Had expected to be ribbed, and was, but was really moved by the speeches they gave about me. Almost brought a tear to the eye. I thank God I left some sorta positive impression on people’s hearts. Must remember to thank these guys during my Oscar acceptance speech.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, May 15, 2006

Thanks for taking me to Brokeback Mountain

Hola peeps. Don’t be scared of the title. No, I am not about to come outta the closet…besides, it’s so cosy in there, and no, my ex’s shouldn’t get worried they flipped me the other way (though cos of an ex I once considered dressing up like a lady just to sneak into one of those Ann Summers parties to find out why she'd buy crap lingerie) ‘cos I cringe everytime I watch Oz.

The title was gleaned from one of Bill Simmons’ ESPN columns and thought it was the funniest thang ever. Speaking of which, I still gotta watch the whole movie to see what the fuss is about; I fell asleep half way into it. Did see A History Of Violence though and still can’t tell what the fuss was about, same with Yentyl. Man, that movie was long and almost senseless, but way better than The New World. Oh, I told y’all that movie was real crap, right? Recently saw Gone With The Wind and if Rhett Butler ain’t the coolest, misogynistic man ever then Charles Taylor’s innocent of all charges. Saw that movie as a kid but had to see it again. While the Civil war raged dude always looked dapper. Now that’s what I am talking about! His character was James Bond before James Bond was er, James Bond.

Speaking of which, y’all musta heard of the furore surrounding Daniel Craig as Bond. Feel bad for the dude. Websites have sprung up that hope to get him kicked off the gig, even though the movie’s almost wrapped. Criticisms range from “he just looks funny” to “omigod, a blonde Bond” to “he’s so wimpish I hear he lost 2 teeth in a fight scene with a girl.” Poor dude. At least he ain’t Sharon Stone. Lol…u knew I’d not help that, right? Don’t get me wrong, I love Sharon; she still looks good for her age, even though the makeup artists and camera men on Basic Instinct 2 should be nominated for Oscars for making her look still foxy. It’s just that after her bold-faced lie in Searching For Debra Winger (see few blog entries ago) I felt disappointed. I mean Sharon was my Angelina before er, Angelina became my Angelina. Yes, I concur, I do need help.

Oooops, forgot the obligatory salutation in a foreign language. How about Yoruba this time? Ba wo ni eniyan, se e ti gba gbe mi, se gbadun blog ti mo ko ni ose to ko ja? Yup, life as a polyglot ain’t easy but Tunde's got to live it.

Recently got an email from a mate in Dubai and dude says place is crazy expensive. Only been there a week and already has had a number of adventures. Funniest thang was how thermometers there don’t seem to go over 48C. Dude suspects this eerie ‘unionization’ of thermometers in the land could be due to fact that it’s illegal for construction workers to work when temperature hits 50C. Bloody hilarious.

In Nigeria we have no such laws, in fact if u got loadsa money laws mightn’t apply to u at all. That explains the reason for degradation in the Niger Delta; both the community leaders and the federal government are happy to line their pockets while peeps live in abject poverty. Now some punk ass group called the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND) has decided they’ve had enough pussyfooting. As if kidnapping expatriates – bet those folk wished they were black, huh? - wasn’t bad enough they have now taken to blowing up vehicles and killing innocent civilians, a la the IRA. Guess they feel this is the only way to get their point across, but it’s just making peeps like moi less empathic to their cause. They lost me a few months ago after their actions led to intense power cuts. Can u imagine gyrating for 50 housewives with no cooling system? Once, in order to satisfy my fans I’d to do a session under a tree. Passers-by tossed Bibles, Korans, and rocks at me but I kept performing ‘cos like they say in Hollywood: the (Sharon Stone) show must go on. Ha. I pray things get sorted out soon.

The President (OBJ) tried to play to the Niger Delta crowd by coming up with a number of new initiatives like pledging to fix a long abandoned multibillion Naira road project (erm, why hadn’t something been done about this in his 7 years in charge?) and generate 20,000 jobs for the indigenes of that area. Reading the latter pissed me off no end. Where are these jobs gonna come from? The police nearly went on strike a few months back ‘cos of their meager remuneration and now this dude promises the Niger Delta folk more jobs in the police and armed forces?! No wonder most enlightened peeps in the region scoffed at this facile solution. Sad.

If that wasn’t bad enuff the sycophants at the Presidency are fighting tooth and nail to bring this 3rd Term agenda to fruition, even though most Nigerians are against the idea. Hopefully the mass protests that lit a fire under the Nepalese king’s ass would be replicated here if these corrupt politicians get their way. Sadly, I am not sure a tidal wave of change would occur here as in the Ukraine (some good that did them), but at least that went some way to sowing seeds of discontent among the populace in Belarus. U just watch; Aleksandr Lukashenko’s problems have just begun.

Reckon OBJ's gonna go for 3rd term he’d come out and say he’s interested. Instead, he’s letting the police and sycophants do his dirty work for him. Even got the State Security Service (SSS) to shut down broadcast on a documentary about tenure elongation. He’da been glad the doc was shown ‘cos it highlighted mistakes made by OBJ’s predecessors for staying on the ‘throne’ too long. To show that money makes strange bed fellows, the current secretary of OBJ’s party was one of the major campaigners for Abacha to stay in office. Hey, maybe I’d get the dude on my side when I become President……….nah, I’d rather watch The New World again before I do that.

Okay enuff ranting. So how have y’all been? I’ve been aiight and miss the time I spent outta the country. 3 weeks of cold weather. Joy O Joy. Got back and peeps at work said I’d put on weight around the (ass) cheeks, but didn’t pay them no mind. It wasn’t ‘til I nearly took someone’s eye out during my coin flipper act – I’ll expatiate on that another day…..maybe – I decided it was time not to shake what my mama gave me ‘til I get in shape. (Oh just in case u wanted to know, yup, my six-pack’s still the 8th wonder of the world.) Okay back to my training/vacation. The firm that took over the club sent urs truly and a few top earners to the States on training and I won’t divulge tricks of the trade we’re taught ‘cos well, let’s just say I still value my pinky finger.............ring. Ha. Anyways, we had to undergo a few behavioural tests and discovered I was profiled as a Peacemaker. See, I told y’all I could be President! At the end of the session I received feedback from the faculty there and I quote, “Tunde is incredibly brilliant and funny as heck. Why he’s chosen this line of work is beyond me, he’d be made President of the world. I know I’d vote for him….” So there u have it peeps, out of the mouth of (foxy stripper) babes.

I enjoyed the experience immensely ‘cos one had the opportunity to interact with peeps from all over the world, and I developed a profound respect for the parent firm ‘cos of the time and money they invested on the training. What was funny was how different nationalities flocked together. The most obvious was the Black table where, obviously (duh!), black folk hung out. Other nationalities had their tables, but none was as obvious - obviously - as the black table. Hey, guess peeps gotta stick together.

While in the States I developed a toe infection, ‘cos of some over-zealous pedicurist in a Nigerian spa, and had to see the resident nurse at the training center. Man, toe hurt so much I couldn’t do my patented one-ass cheek wiggle. Anyways, the nurse asked me to take shoes off and proffered some ointment that did the trick after a few days. Before I left I told her I was Nigerian, ‘cos she inquired, and then she shocked me by asking, “Woah, Nigeria, huh? That’s far away from here, right? Well, u guys don’t wear shoes over there, do u?” Thot she was joking initially and when I realized she wasn’t I pointed out to her that we indeed wear processed leather hide on the soles of our feet just like Americans. Man, in this day and age peeps still think like this?! Guess she didn't know any better.

After training I chilled at Miguel’s for a few days and the dude ain’t doing too badly for himself. Dude even has a girlfriend now….and boy, can she cook! Thing is after I met her Miguel asked me what I thot of her. Of course I made jokes, but don’t get why he requires my opinion. I mean I ain’t the one going out with her so who gives a hoot what I think. Going back to the States reminded me of what I’d missed about that place: shopping and TV. It’s a pity new episodes of Dave Chappelle’s show are no longer broadcast. I saw Dave Chappelle’s Block Party in the cinema and u can tell how much fun it’d be to hang out with that dude. As an aside: I am officially in love with Jill Scott. Man, that woman has a smile that brightens the entire planet. My next car’s definitely gonna be called Jill……..if I don’t change my mind before then. Hey, I may be more emotionally-responsive now, but can be just as fickle as the next guy.

Too bad the proliferation of reality shows in the US hasn’t been curbed. Every friggin’ station has at least one reality show on the schedule every friggin’ day of the week. The new season of America’s Next Top Model began while I was in the US and disappointed ‘cos it has real ugly chicks in it. I’m talking so ugly they’d be in a British soap opera. Sad thang about some American reality shows is peeps still star in them even when there’s no prize money of any kind on offer. Zilch. Nada. For example, on Flavor of Love, the women competed to ‘win’ Flavor Flav (of Public Enemy fame). Got so intense that one of them (a white chick) actually spat on another (black) while being evicted. Hilarity ensued as the black chick went after her like a tiger after an antelope. All this to ‘win’ a former rapper (read rap mascot) with no discernable future in the entertainment game. Sad. Even worse was BET’s highest rated show, Countdown To Lockdown, which chronicles Li’l Kim’s ‘trials’ before she was sent to the slammer. Why, black people, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Got to the UK and schedule was so tight I’d barely spend more than 2 hours with my nephew. Though dude didn’t recognize me – he’s 2 years old and last saw me a year ago – we later bonded and dude is such a live wire, and cheeky as well. Kinda reminds me of me at that age. Love that dude. Also got to see my cuz Femi with his family. Man, marriage does settle folk. Femi looks contented with life now and his son’s a bundle of joy.

Yeah, almost forgot, my mate Tony is indeed married. I know, it’s difficult to fathom. Had to speak to his wife just to confirm dude wasn’t fibbing. Man, Tony’s married! He’s still Tony though in every way. Peep this, before I spoke with his wife dude tried to do a Miguel; that is defend his choice of bride to me. He told me his wife’s “akata but doesn’t behave like other akatas”. What does that even mean? To y’all non-Nigerians akata is a derogatory term used to describe African Americans, though I dunno what it means, literally or otherwise. Guess Chris Rock was right when he said black people are the most racist species on the planet. Ha.

Okay peeps, got 5 minutes ‘til I gotta hit the poles…..oooops, dunno what I ate, but been farting stinkies like crazy. Hopefully no one's holding a cigarette close by. Wish me luck 'cos don't wanna get sued. Tot ziens and God bless.

Hope y'all still praying for Arsenal to do the business on Wednesday. Thanks a mill.

My songwriting skills is growing in leaps and bounds. If OBJ gets in in 2007 I’m hoping they have a Presidential Inauguration party, American Style, so I’d sing the following ditties:

(To be sung to the tune of Wyclef Jean’s If I Was President)
If I was president,
I’ll get elected on Monday
Arrest opponents on Tuesday
Get sued on Wednesday
Appoint judge for the case on Thursday
Amend constitution on Friday
Chill with Mugabe on Saturday
Avoid Mandela on Sunday

(To be sung to the tune of Lionel Richie’s Three Times A Lady)
Yes, u are once, twice, three times a lady leader……and sycophants Nigerians love u
Yes, u are once, twice, three times a lady leader……until someone else replaces u

Thank u, Thank u. Sexual Chocolate! SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, May 11, 2006

NeYo, turn off the friggin’ radio!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo usted ha sido? I know I still owe you guys update on my trip abroad, but gotta inform u guys of stuff that’s happened since last blog. Just to warn y’all, this might be my most personal blog yet….erm, y’all might wanna get out the box of Kleenex also. No, save the box of Kleenex for when Arsenal win the Champions League. Boy o boy. Such tears of joy! OBTW had to cough up about $150 for a bet I made at the beginning of the season that Arsenal would finish in the Premiership’s top 3. That’s taught me not to bet on nada ever in life. Even more painful that I lost bet to my sister’s boyfriend. Dude had better marry my sister now or else I’m finding ways to get bucks back.

Ever wonder where Babyface, Brian McKnight, etc get their inspiration from? U think it’s a coincidence that both dudes have had, how shall we say, less successful album sales in recent years? Think it’s also a coincidence that they’ve both separated from their better-halves? Non, mon ami. Now I know it’s all been a grand plan to get back their songwriting mojo. They chose to leave their wives after their earlier plan failed: hanging outside niteclubs so they’d record their conversations of couples falling out. Ha huh ha huh ha Yup, my 10-month relationship’s ended. I know what y’all are thinking and yes, I didn’t wanna tell u guys either, but I have got an idea and I need feedback from y’all to see it through. If the aforementioned stars, Daniel Beddingfield, James Blunt et al can convert their heartache into hits then by golly Tunde’s gonna get on that bandwagon and ride ‘til the wheels fall off. So here’s where y’all come in: I have got a crap voice and am desperately seeking a singing coach. Any takers?

Usually a relationship ends and I’m glad ‘cos it means I can flirt with more chicks without feeling guilty, but this time, unlike my other 10-month relationship (that one was in the 90s….man, that phrase makes me feel even older than my 29 years.), I took some time out to reflect on what I’da done better: ….maybe I introduced her to my family too soon, maybe I shouldn’t have met her's, maybe I’d not have smoked that blunt before meeting her dad…… However, after a few tokes of the herb – yes, I am now an occasional erm, toker - I reconciled to myself that even though I woulda redone some things, all in all, I believe I did my best. Maybe I should organise a reunion of ex’s (obviously, those that don’t wanna poison me slowly til my face becomes like Viktor Yushchenko’s), u know, kinda like a feedback session on stuff I’d keep doing, stuff I’d improve on, and stuff I’d completely give up.

Always used to tell peeps I’d be the ideal husband, but not-so-perfect boyfriend. How do I hope to reconcile this dichotomy? Dunno, that’s why I might need that intervention I spoke of earlier. U see there’s some idiosyncrasy I call Tunde’s Response Time (TRT) and this means I don’t usually discover stuff I have done wrong ‘til I’m outta a relationship and by then it’s too late. Here are some examples:

1. Girlfriend N: “C’mon, I flew all the way from the UK to see u in Holland and first thing u do when we get home is turn on the TV?!
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “But the Champions League kicked off today. Couldn’t watch any of the games ‘cos had to meet u at the airport. Can’t I just catch the highlights?”

2. Girlfriend P: “It’s Valentine’s Day! Where have you been?”
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “Sorry. Just spent a few hours at the gym. Thought u said Val’s Day was no big deal.”

3. Tunde (under influence of TRT) to best mate of chick I think I asked out: “U know yesterday when I may have asked ur friend out? Please explain to her that I was drunk and wasn’t sure what I was doing.”

4. Girlfriend H: “Can’t believe u are moving to America. I dunno how I’m gonna cope. Since u are moving in July, how about we break up in June so I can get used to u being away?
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “I have an even better idea. How about we break up now?”

5. Girlfriend J: “My folks would like to meet u.”
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “Why in heck would they wanna do that?! We’ve only been going out for 2 weeks.”

6. Girlfriend S: “I miss u so much.”
Tunde (under influence of TRT): “That’s ‘cos we’ve only been away from each other for a day. Give urself a few more days and u’ll get over it.”

In my defense I must say that whenever I received an epiphany on the atrocity committed I’ve contacted the injured party, either directly or thru a conduit, to apologize for my actions. (I know point 3 above sounds extremely callous, but I was a teenager then and had never had a girlfriend up to that point.) Was counting the other day and most recent ex was my 10th girlfriend. If I was the cliché mid-30s dude I’d marry the next girl I came across but since I have a killer six-pack I’ll wait for Angelina to dump Brad. Ha.

Any relationship regrets? Not really ‘cos feel all stuff I went thru in relationships somehow shaped me into the man I am today; almost like ex’s are sculptors chipping off excess block to create a beautiful, more emotionally-responsive Adonis. Hee. Hee. By the time I’m ready to settle down I’d make one heckuva husband.
Seriously though, I cringe when I remember some of the things I have done and only hope I win an Oscar so I can apologize to ex’s, especially Girlfriend P (yep, did even worse things after the Val’s Day fiasco), in front of the entire planet. If y’all ex's ever read this blog from the bottom of my heart I AM TRULY SORRY.

That said, folks never learn. They think trying to set u up with someone asap is the best way to get over a relationship. Was supposed to hang out with a friend (and her roommate) on Friday night, but only the roommate showed up - friend made her excuses which seemed valid at the time. It was only til the next day she confessed to her nefarious schemes of trying to hook me up. Bless her. I know she’s trying to help out, but had to let her know I’d rather hook myself up. The whole mate hookup thang has never been my scene. Anyways, there’s a somewhat happy end to the hookup story. It seems mate’s roommate had recently left a relationship as well and on her way home her ex-boyfriend showed up. Seeing his chick with some other dude musta knocked sense into him ‘cos the chick spent all of Saturday and Sunday with dude. Man, it’s amazing how us guys are easily played.

Yeah, ‘cos of my new songwriting hobby I decided to keep a record of feelings/thoughts following the breakup. I’m telling y’all Babyface, etc would kill for inspiration like this. Here goes:

Day 1 (Tuesday): Oh no, she’s handing back the cufflinks she borrowed months ago! That’s not a good sign…..hold on, she wants to talk…….yep, it’s officially over. Actually expected it to occur soon after our last argument 2 weeks ago. Dunno how to describe it, but nada’s been the same since then. No matter how hard we’ve tried to get on something’s been missing. Well, kinda thought we would get over the hump after the talk we had yesterday. Shows how much I know. Kinda happy it didn’t occur after the aforementioned argument ‘cos I’d never have forgiven myself.

Day 2 (Wednesday): One day after breakup and must say I’m handling it better than I thought I would. Maybe experience from last 10-month relationship’s coming in handy. I must remember not to repeat mistakes I made then, like sleeping with every chick that smiled at me just so I’d get girlfriend outta my head. Nah, this time’s different. I am more mature now. Besides, unlike that time, I sorted suspected the end was nigh for this relationship after that argument we had. Man, stupid ol’ me, why couldn’t I have said what was bugging me at the time? Oh well, it’s over now. Must remember not to make mistakes of last time. Must take time to ‘move on’. Must….hold on, a colleague’s coming over……, what a small world. She knows Miss X who I used to have a thang for. Hmmmm….I wonder if she’s still single….no, must not make mistakes of last time. Must………oh friggin’ shut up! I am calling her and u can’t do nada about it. I need to get over these feelings as soon as possible. Ooops, just discovered she traveled outta the country yesterday and won't be back for another 3 months. Lol……who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

Day 3 (Thursday): Ex-girlfriend called last night to discuss one of the reasons why relationship ended. Apparently, she didn’t feel comfy discussing it while we were going out. Hey, Arsenal won yesterday so life’s not all that bad. Hey, thought I was getting over ex yesterday, but feeling as bad as I did on day of breakup. Tempted to reach into the lower depths of li’l black book (okay, li’l grey PDA) and call some chicks I’d rather not hang with. Man, thank goodness I ain’t in Lagos or might have called those chicks. Screw it, I will call them when I’m next in Lagos…and no buts….Hey, colleagues saying I look tired, but I slept like a baby last nite. Told female mate about it and she said maybe it’s ‘cos I am heartbroken. Hey, it’ll pass soon……I hope. Yeah, also had interesting conversation with mate on how it’s a man’s job to mould his partner. Quite revealing. Did I give up on this relationship too easily? Have my blasé ways finally caught up with me? Have….hold on, there’ a knock on door. It’s Mohammed! Man, love hanging out with this guy. Asked about ex on way out and told him the score. Thank goodness he was on his way out as I don’t think I was ready for another “U are a man” speech. Ha.

Day 4 (Friday): Woke up feeling fine, but can’t help but wonder if ex is okay. I’m sure she’s cool.

Day 5 (Saturday): Weighing pros and cons of being out of a relationship. Excitely anticipating the Arsenal-Tottenham game. Man, wanna tell me we couldn’t have done more to win that game? Hey, at lest we didn’t lose. Man, hardly thot of ex today. Maybe I’m over her, maybe….nope, here comes the thought of her again. That’ll teach me to keep a week’s record of emotions!

Day 6 (Sunday): Some punk left his radio on full blast and Lamar’s Time To Grow is playing. Perfect. Just when I thot I’d got my feelings in check. Man, if I get that punk I’m gonna punch his face in and smash his radio….hold on, now that song by Daniel Beddingfield’s playing. Oh, I am definitely killing this punk.

Day 7 (Monday): Man, cannot be bothered keeping records anymore. I’d have enuff material already for 10 hit songs. Now, if only I can make find a way to make them rhyme. Ha.

So here’s what I’ve discovered about myself since doing a Craig David (not to worry, not all y’all can get the joke. It’s okay, really it is…….erm, u DID attend classes at school, right? Ha.): First, I can only abide by some of my own advice. I have taken to working out instead of just lounging in front of TV like last time. As a result, my MYSTICAL six-pack’s firmer than normal and my biceps are so huge birds have taken to building nests on them. Maybe it’s nature’s cycle of life, u know where ur ‘get over girlfriend’ regimen helps to make u more attractive to other chicks. Ha. Maybe not, ‘cos mate just regaled me in tales of mates who’d taken breaking up real hard. Told me of a female mate who spent a week crying, drinking and smoking after her boyfriend left her. Ouch. When I asked her why she told me this, she said it was 'cos she felt I wasn’t grieving enuff for someone who just broke up. Hmmmm….dunno whether I’d thank her or slap her for this insight. I am beginning to suspect she’s a sadomasochist. Ha.

Next, discovered flirting with other chicks helps to get ex off ur mind…at least temporarily. U see once flirting’s over and u thinking over stuff u cannot help but think of the things the other chicks don’t have compared to ur ex. So flirting’s not the way to go.

Third, it’s easier to get over ex when u not around each other. (Duh.) Working away from Lagos is not so bad, especially as I get to avoid crazy traffic. Just wishing the club’s management would make up their minds and lemme know how long I am spending here. They renew my stay at end of every week, almost like I am a contestant in the Big Brother house. Speaking of which, do y’all watch Big Brother Nigeria? Not an avid fan but cannot help knowing what’s going on as mates watch the show in my room. Got one beef: wanna tell me the producers could not find more attractive women for that show? This isn’t Big Brother for UK soap stars u know. Must say that Africans are loving it, but don’t get why. How can u be fascinated by watching people live in a house? I find that it deadens my brain cells after a few minutes of viewing. The other day, after watching for 3 mins, forgot how to knot a tie. Serious. To be safe I have bought a pair of loafers ‘cos tying shoe laces might soon become a problem if mates keep watching that show when I am in the room.

Sorry to digress. Fourth thang I’ve discovered about myself is I find it most annoying when casual acquaintances find out about relationship and wanna know what happened. Y’all wanna know? Well, nunya….i.e. nunyabusiness. Thing is when I tell them they probe even deeper. Who are they, Oprah? Arrrrgggghhhhh. Man, maybe I’d adopt the Hollywood line du jour: irreconcilable differences.

Fifth thang? My dad has an emotional side, well, kinda. Don’t usually tell him about relationships but stuff arose and I had to mention it. The following exchange ensued:

Dad (obviously shocked): “When did this happen?”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “okay, when did my dad turn to Cliff Huxtable?”*): “About 3 weeks ago.”
Dad: “Why didn’t u tell me? U’da told me.”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “okay, who’s this dude in front of me? We’ve never spoken about relationships before. What’s wrong with u old man? U have 12 kids, end of a non-marital relationship by one of them is not a big deal”*): “It’s not a big deal.”
Dad: “So what happened?”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “now u must be kidding me. Is there a secret camera somewhere recording all this? Am I on Nigeria’s version of PUNK’D?*): “Erm, irreconcilable differences.”
Dad: “Oh I see. Know of a number of friends whose kids encountered a similar problem. It will be okay.”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “woah, dude’s got feelings. Almost like a sitcom moment. I feel like Theo! Nah, I am Theo! Should I hug him? No, he’s in his undies and on the other side of the room. Gonna look weird.”*): “Thanks, dad. I’ll just go back to my exercises now.”
Dad: “Before u go, just wanna say, it’s okay. There are other girls out there, just keep ur eyes peeled.”
Tunde (*thinking to himself “A ha. I knew there was a kicker in there. Sitcom moment my blistered ass cheeks! Other girls out there, huh? Who says I want ‘other’ girls? Hey, at least he didn’t say ‘there’s more fish in the sea’. Speaking of which I gotta go use the white throne again. It’s the 6th time today. I’dn’t have eaten fish at the hotel yesterday. How am I gonna perform for clients now?”*): “I’ll be sure to do that, sir.”

In a related story, my Sherlock Homeboy skills – okay, mom was doing her own sitcom mom thang – unearthed that my dad initially had a chick he was gonna marry, but his mom was against it so he had to let her go and it hurt him a lot. See? Always told y'all females EVERY player out there began with good intentions, but after a broken heart they let it all hang out. Hey, maybe if my grandma (God rest her soul) had let my dad tie the knot with his first love he’da been a monogamous dude. Found out the lady and her husband are actually close friends of the family, though don’t think I have ever met them. Guess I’m just like my dad in keeping in touch with ex’s. The polygamous thang though? Not for me.

Sixth thang I discovered? This is a long ass blog entry. Ha. Gotta go rest my fingers ‘cos performing in a few minutes and got a new act I wanna try out. It involves……..nah, that’ll be for another time. Tot ziens and God bless.

Arsenal are playing Barcelona in the Champions League final next week. Pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls, pls pray for them to win. We need that win to keep Thierry Henry at the club. Not gonna wear any jerseys ‘cos feel it might jinx them. In fact considering watching the game alone……..and in the nude. Hey, anything for the team.

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