Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The storm is over.....

Hola peeps. Feliz Navidad. Xmas time’s here again and thank God for sending His Son to die for humanity. Unlike moi, most peeps regard it as a time to send cards and text messages to everyone in their address book. Funniest text message I got was from a mate who’s into dodgy deals and it read, remember Jesus is the reason for the season. I totally agree, but don’t u think I’d believe him more if he stopped cheating folk outta their funds?
Haven’t really been out this Xmas break. The nite I went out with my neighbor she fell asleep on me so had to drive home at 2.30am. ‘Cos she almost got mugged driving home late some months ago this chick was like a GPS device. Never knew one so frightened…and paranoid. She saw every ditch and pothole. Ha. On Xmas day had planned to go to a comedy show with friends when we stopped by another mate’s house ‘cos he said he wanted to tag along. As he was expecting female friends he asked us to wait a bit. Did so, and only outing we did was dropping the chicks off at their crib at 1am. Man, a wasted nite……at least I got to see Kung Fu Hustle, which was a hilarious action movie. Pure class.

Had the annual family Xmas gathering where we go to my dad’s church and afterwards go out for a meal. We had the largest table (13 adults and 2 infants) there and it was a joy to see everyone staring at us. Lol….what if family members in diaspora had shown up with their kids? Ha. Man, when we all older (and married) I reckon our family gatherings will be held in a football stadium. Speaking of marriage, seems December’s the month for weddings. Man, it’s almost unbelievable here; like peeps are falling over each other to get hitched in December. I’m not so pleased about this ‘cos now, there are more married people to taunt us single folk. Peep this: I sent text messages to fav clients on Xmas Day; Here’s wishing you and all yours a lovely time this Xmas. Yours, Tunde. Different replies came in but all concluded in same manner: Yours, Mr and Mrs X and family. Why rub it in? Even worse, my neighbor told me she met a long lost friend at a supermarket and while catching up on old times the chick whispered, “are u married?”, in a clandestine way; almost like, “do u have leprosy? Need to know if I need to avoid u.” Ha. Anyways, she told me she wanted to nod in the affirmative if only to avoid the patronizing look on her friend’s face. She said if she’d said ‘yes, I’m married’ she half-expected the lady to tell her whom to meet for best bargains reserved for only married folk. Ha. Felt bad for her as most of her close friends are married; almost as if she’s incomplete without a marriage certificate. Remember I broached this topic of marriage being like a secret society a few blog entries ago? And y’all thought I was insane. Shame.

More wedding news: A classmate from Bradford doing the nuptials thang in Ghana at year end and a female mate just stopped by to inform me of the date for her traditional engagement ceremony. Did I tell y’all my sis recently had an introduction ceremony and other sis is having hers in a few months? So it’s wedding galore next year as well. Sis’s (from my mom) introduction was cool and my step-mom was emotional when talking about my sis. See why I love my family? If there ever was a case for polygamy look no further than my crib. Ha.

Meanwhile, my second oldest brother’s refusing to broach the ‘M’ word even though he’s been receiving subtle hints from every angle. Lol…maybe he’s daunted by having to do it the Nigerian way, i.e. introduction ceremony, traditional engagement ceremony and wedding ceremony. Could be a little taxing and pressure-induced. I mean what if u change ur mind after the introduction? Tradition stipulates one has to write a letter to everyone present at the introduction ceremony to explain reasons for calling it off. At my sis’s introduction there were at least 40 people. If the thot of apologizing to 40 peeps individually doesn’t scare u then nada will. Maybe my bro will consider the marriage thang if he decides to marry outside Nigeria.

Kinda reminds me of the Jamaican boyfriend of a Ghanaian chick based in the UK. Here’s a brief history of Africans in the UK: If u Nigerian, before u leave the country parents caution u to be wary of Jamaicans as they could be a bad influence and could get u arrested. If u non-Nigerian, before u leave ur country parents caution u to be wary of Nigerians as..….u know the rest. Anyways, this Ghanaian chick obviously heeded her folks’ advice, but, while watching out for Naija guys she got hooked by a Jamaican dude and this guy was no-nonsense sorta folk. Anyways, her folks came visiting and she invited the dude to meet them for dinner. While making small talk her dad asked the dude what he did.
“Me no fit work fo no man”, he replied.
“So u unemployed or have your own business? I hope it’s the latter, ‘cos how else do u plan to take care of our precious daughter?”
“Dat what me hate bout razz African dem. You ask question pun question long time…….in fact, me go naw.”
And so the dude proceeded to walk outta the restaurant. Needless to say parents were gobsmacked. To cut a long story short she broke up with the guy and ended up with a Nigerian. Her folks were so glad he wasn’t Jamaican they accepted the dude with open arms. The dude later cheated on her and maxed out her credit cards, but let’s not dwell on that. Point is the folks saw a better alternative and jumped at that. Maybe that’s what my bro, or maybe chicks whose parents have been pestering them about marriage, should do. Introduce ur folks to the worst possible person and when, as expected, the individual acts out they’ll encourage u to take ur time in looking for the right person. That’d buy u a few more months. Man, I’m so good I’d write a book!

Could-lead-to-marriage news: Female mate just got into a relationship so she’s beaming like the sun. Real nice to see her smiling from ear to ear and generally having that ‘Phew, I’m no longer single. Now my mom can get off my back and I can start picking out the wedding outfits’ look. As mentioned a few blog entries back she’s now on a mission to hook people up. Lol….man, women are so predictable.
Even my mom wants me to get married next year, but thanks to my sisters I won’t have to pull the scheme mentioned earlier. Lol….got a feeling she and her mates act like the 2 old ladies on BBC’s Goodness Gracious Me who trade barbs about each other’s kids. “So ur son finally got over his drug addiction and is getting married to his nurse in 2 years time? So glad for him. My daughter’s getting married next year and so is my son. In fact, I am gonna adopt more children and marry them off next year too. It’ll be party galore in my house next year. Guess we’ll have to wait 2 WHOLE years for urs…..”

Work news: Cheap ass club owners are not throwing us a Xmas party. No party, no gifts, no nada. Instead they provide some dude with a keyboard to serenade us with Xmas songs. Problem is the guy only knows 3 songs so he remixes them every time I pass by the entrance. Believe me, u’ve never heard We Wish You A Merry Xmas ‘til this dude’s sung it. He sings it in different Nigerian accents and if u real lucky to pass by at twenty seven minutes past the hour he does a Whitney Houston cum Mariah Carey cum Celine Dion cum Chritina Aguilera barbling thang. Gotta hear it to believe it. This dude will go places, believe me. I can see him performing to crowds in not just one, but two cities…….in strip clubs, of course.

Brief entertainment news from 2005: Heard Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan and Brett Ratner all signed up for Rush Hour 3, and a third sequel is planned. Hey, I’ve heard of lazy but Chris Tucker takes the piss. Since Rush Hour he hasn’t taken on any other roles….except u count appearing in music videos for Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson. Hey, dude’s getting paid loads so who am I to question his work ethic?

Gary Glitter was arrested of sleeping with two underage (one’s 12) girls in Vietnam. This was same dude who served jail time in the UK for possessing child porn. This is racism, after all R. Kelly is still free! Ha huh ha huh ha

Hey, did u see Ray J’s new video One Wish? Lovely song, only wish he didn’t dance like someone having an epileptic seizure. Speaking of songs, also saw the video to Stick Witchu by Pussy Cat Dolls (PCD). Man, they should be called Pussy Cat Trolls as only the main singer is, in the words of my god-daughter, hot. During the Dontcha video I didn’t get to observe them properly, so couldn’t tell. Almost like with the Spice Girls and their first single, u know that Zigazig-a song. Clever marketing ploy u PCD, but I won’t fall for the same tricks Spice Girls used on me. At first I thot they were all fine, but later discovered just 2 outta the 5 were Tunde-girlfriend material. Same with PCD, just 2 outta…erm, how many are they again?

Elton John got married. Bet his ex-wife’s jealous. Ha huh ha huh ha Reminds me of this song I heard ages ago. Lady was heartbroken and sang her soul out. “I was ready for Sharon, Kim, or Lisa, but how can I compete with Mike?” Yup, she found out her husband was cheating on her with a dude. Lol…..real heartfelt stuff… Anyways, the thot occurred to me that there’d be more songs like that. I mean can u imagine a song about a gay dude trying to convince his friend to leave his girlfriend for him? It’d be a hit. Maybe more rappers should embrace this side of their personality like some dude on TV when I was in the States. Can’t remember his name, but dude referred to himself as a Homo Thug. Man, that was one of the funniest musical performances I’d ever seen. Well, excluding this musical reality show in Nigeria. Some dude sang about giving respect to prostitutes. I kid u not.

Unforgettable line of 2005: “I’ll bounce back.” This was uttered by the former top cop in the land after he was sentenced to jail for embezzling billions of Naira. Like all memorable movie villains he couldn’t go down without giving us a line to remember him by. Bravo. Lol…..even though the dude was only given 6 months in prison I’m cool with that. It’s about time the top brass paid for their mendacity.
Alams should be next. Saw a documentary of some dude who pretended he was dead and escaped from the US to Oz to spend bucks he had stolen. He used different names and took money out at different locations so it was crazy difficult to capture him. Not our erstwhile state governor Alams; no, nothing too complicated like that for him. How imprudent of someone to hide embezzled funds into a company called Solomon & Peter when one’s names are Dieprieye Solomon Peter Alams? Man, that musta been the easiest case of money laundering the MET ever came across. Kinda like joining the dots…lol…musta been less difficult than LEGO.

Nigeria news: The national power company, Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN), are punks. A few months back I was singing their praises to all and sundry. Now I’m wiser. They may have changed their name from National Electric Power authority (NEPA) to PHCN, but they still provide crap service. In fact what the punk asses provide cannot be classed as ‘service’ ‘cos most times they don’t provide power…..well, not until their palms get greased. Almost as if they feel we (my estate) all have generators or enuff money to bribe them so they messing up this Xmas season. It’s been almost 3 days since they provided power. I’d get list of workers and shame them…see why I need that pirate radio station? Hold on, power just came on. Whatever. They still punk asses.

3rd term agenda refuses to disappear. Last week, the Special Assistant to the President in charge of, er, railing insults on folk (?) Cannot remember the title of his office, but know he’s renowned for spewing vitriol at peeps who don’t agree with the President. Anyways, this dude warns the US government to “mind its own business” after a US diplomat was reported to have said they wouldn’t support a 3rd term bid by Obasanjo. Lol….just wait til Obasanjo’s out and this dude requires a visa to go to the States. Ha. Seriously, this 3rd term thang’s getting outta hand. The current president of the Institute of Chartered Accountants of Nigeria (ICAN) says Obasanjo should stay in power til 2011 in order to finish his reforms. Real sad that learned folk are going this kiss-ass route. I’ll tell u what, why doesn’t OBJ stay there til he croaks and afterwards we’d mummify him and still have him as President? Hey, didn’t OBJ read the constitution allowing maximum of 2 terms b4 he campaigned to be President? I know I talk loadsa rubbish, but I promise y’all I’ll go to Abuja to complain if the 3rd term agenda is approved.

Price of oil went up after a number of pipelines were blown up in Nigeria. Man, who needs analysts to help in forecasting spike in oil prices when u can hire ill-treated youth to blow up pipelines. Terrorism. Yup, it’s the hottest item everyone needs in their investment portfolio.

Arsenal won. Thank You Lord. Sing along:The storm is over……I can see the sunshine……erm, those are the only lyrics I know. Off to learn the rest of the lyrics. Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Call me JOB

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo es u? ¿Yo? Aún muy triste. Yes, Arsenal lost yet again…..and to top it all off the Indianapolis Colts (American Football) also lost to put a crick in their quest to go the regular season undefeated. Like y’all regular readers musta guessed I’m pretty blasé about most things and think that’s why I’m being tested by this means. God knows I love football so He might be using this as my JOB phase. Ha. Seriously though, it does get under one’s skin. I’m a pretty pragmatic fellow, but find that football makes me do the weirdest thangs.

Was never much of a sports fan ‘til 1996 after Nigeria won the football gold medal in the Olympics. I chose to support Arsenal ‘cos loved Dennis Bergkamp’s playing style. Next thing u know Arsene Wenger becomes manager and we progress in leaps and bounds. I move to Holland for a bit in 1998 and we win the Double, I spend all of the 2001-2002 season in the States and we do the Double again. I move back to the UK in 2003, but traveled out, and we go undefeated for 2003-2004 season. Notice when I am resident in the UK we don’t win the Premiership, so some looney part of my brain believes I gotta be outta the UK for Arsenal to win the Premiership; hence I try my utmost to spend most of the year away from UK. That’s one of the reasons I wasn’t too miffed about returning to Nigeria ‘cos was doing it for my beloved Gunners. Well, as u can tell things aren’t going according to plan. We are currently 9th (yep, friggin’ 9th!) in the table, but I know, nah I PRAY, we come good ‘cos I sorta made a bet with a mate we’d finish in the top 3. Wait, that’s it; the bet! Lord, please forgive me. You know I wasn’t gonna take money off the dude anyways. Pls, pls help Arsenal regain their oomph, we badly need Your help.

U guys had better stop snickering, this is serious mates. U see it’s almost like how surgeons prepare before operations; one has to make sure the operating environment’s as sterile as possible. In Arsenal-Tunde case I gotta make sure I ain’t jinxing them. Used to wear my Arsenal jerseys to watch games on TV, but stopped after we lost bad on two occasions. Come to think of it Nigeria got trounced 5-1 by Holland when I watched them in the Amsterdam Arena……..and I had my Naija jersey on. Hmmmmm. Notice a trend here? I told y’all I wasn’t crazy. Wait, who are these guys in white coats pouncing on me? Hey, what’s up with this jacket they fitting me in? Wait……………………..okay, peeps I am back. I am currently typing this from a lovely padded room. The smell of disinfectant’s getting to me though.

So back to the real world. U guys aiight? Man, real sad about the plane crash. Some dude lamented at the dire state of our airports. Said he saw his daughter burn to death ‘cos no fire-fighting facilities were available after the plane crash. See, what I meant in last blog about previous leaders being flogged in public? How does one neglect such things in favor of accumulating more and more wealth? How much money’s enuff?!
In a bid to show he’s doing something the President sacked 2 high profile dudes in aviation ministry and set up a task force to review the workings of the aviation industry. Dunno why he did that ‘cos like other government ministries it’s glaringly obvious that corruption’s the root cause of inefficiencies. Also, doesn’t help that we have square pegs in round holes. No, not bringing up another instance of Alams trying to fit into his wife’s garments again. Sadly, no. Was referring to the Aviation Minister. The dude deems himself too good to resign, though the Senate and other stakeholders have suggested this to the President. Parents who lost loved ones on the plane also called for the minister’s resignation and walked out in protest during a scheduled meeting with the dude. Dude says he’d resign if he was sure that would prevent further air mishaps. He pledged to do his best to sanitize the aviation industry. Good response, right? Woulda been, if he didn’t make matters worse by chiding those calling for his resignation and lambasting them for not picking on the commercial airline operators, who have confessed to cutting corners to save costs, as well. C’mon, doesn’t this dude know how to pick the battles he’d fight? Push the blame onto someone, why don’t u?! With my luck at present, maybe I’d place a bet on this dude keeping his job. As a fall out from the public outcry, the President last week requested the Aviation Minister submit regular reports on what he’s doing to effect changes in the sector. Maybe next week he’ll help him cross the street, and the week after he’ll teach him how to suck on a pacifier. Ha huh ha huh ha

The President’s also asked the Minister for Transport to provide a blue print for waterways and reviving the rail network. Why do us humans wait for tragedy to occur before doing something? So now that we all concentrating on the aviation sector what happens to our roads? Sad thing is simple solutions such as proper illumination at night would drastically reduce the number of deaths that occur, yet nada’s being done. Maybe we’ll wait til a top dog in government loses his life before we ‘sanitize’ the road network. Sad set of punks we have ruling us. It’s all good though ‘cos change is gonna come whether they like it or not. At the moment, dudes that have been sidelined from the major political party, PDP, have decided to set up their own party “in order to restore principles of democracy back in Nigeria”. Sure, like they did anything constructive when they were in favor. One of the chieftains of this new movement actually moved (pun intended) a generator for the national stadium to his village. Think a dude like that has any right to call the President corrupt? Don’t mind this mudslinging though. As long as they do this they are bound to implode and maybe a better candidate from the smaller parties will emerge as Presidential frontrunner in 2007. Politics in Nigeria’s mostly made up of peeps who have been involved in ruling Nigeria in one form or the other since…well, since forever. Some of the peeps advocating democratic principles were chief sycophants who did their utmost to convince one of Nigeria’s worst dictators to hold on to power. Man, it sickens me. At least be bold enough to stand for something! Guess the dude with money always dictates the tune others dance to.

Okay enuff serious stuff. Saw Guy Ritchie’s latest offering, REVOLVER, over the weekend. U ever watch a movie and try to elicit some form of positive response from it, but cannot? That was Revolver. Man, I’da had more fun watching paint dry. Remember when I told y’all Madonna’s stolen this guy’s mojo and y’all thot I was insane? This movie proves y’all should never doubt my prescient powers. I vividly remember listening to some preacher as a kid. Dude said one’d be careful before embarking on marriage ‘cos if one marries the wrong woman that’d be hell on earth. Well, Mr. Ritchie, hope Santa Claus gets u what u really need this Xmas: flame retardant clothes.

Saw Ricky Martin’s I Don’t Care video and pleased with his new sound. Did y’all notice Ricky didn’t dance? He just did a side turn-clap thang here, side turn-clap thang there, and that was it. Feel Ricky though cos he’s probably at that stage of his life where he’s embarrassed to find he’s still doing the same dance steps from a few years ago. Worse still, he’s probably noticed he sometimes dances like his dad. (How come that always happens?! Guys, if u suspect ur kid’s not really urs, forget about expensive DNA tests. Just wait til he’s in his late 30s and watch how he dances!) Ricky man, I feel u. Sometimes a cool song comes on and I find out I’m still doing the ‘Getting Jiggy Wit It’ groove. I must state here that I started that move before Will Smith popularized it. Honest.

Other entertainment news: Richard Pryor passed away last week. Was a real funny dude.

Been dissing Nollywood lately and think it’s time I picked on the good folk out West. Read a cast interview for Sleeper Cell, a cable movie (or series….better not be a series ‘cos I’ll bet my Arsenal jerseys that it’ll get cancelled soon) about terrorists starring Michael Ealy and Oded Fehr. To generate interest Oded goes on a tangent about how difficult it was for him, as a Jew, to play an Arab terrorist ‘cos blah, blah, blah…look Oded, this is Hollywood; u’d be glad u have a speaking part. Hard shooting scenes my blistered right, nah left…hold on lemme check, yeah, my blistered right-arse cheek. Really pisses me off when actors try to sound all serious and make their characters seem unique. It’s called acting peeps, get with it!
Reminds me of the Making of Speed 2 where cast and crew were oohing and aahing about Jason Patric doing his own stunts. Some stuntman actually said, “if Jason wasn’t a good actor he’d have a career in stunt work.” U can basically tell a movie’s gonna be shite when an actor’s receiving praises for his stunt-work and not his acting. Same thing with TAXI when Latifah’s saying movie’s cool ‘cos it’s first movie Jimmy Fallon’s decided to play a starring role in. Sure Latifah, and what was so cool about ur role in that crap movie The Cookout?
Remember when I told y’all I’m pissed at Kevin Spacey ‘cos since American Beauty he’s only chosen roles that could generate Oscar buzz? Well, Charlize Theron tried to do the same with her last dramatic role in North Country. If that wasn’t bad enuff she followed it up with Aeon Flux, a movie so bad the film studio was too scared to screen it for critics before its release. I mean this was the same lady who dissed Halle for following up an Oscar performance with Catwoman.
All actors, especially female, are backstabbers. They’ll sell their moms for a good role. U can imagine the joy I had when I saw glimpses of Searching For Debra Winger on cable. It’s basically a doc by Rosanna Arquette talking to actresses about ‘the pressures they face as women working in the entertainment industry’. Basically, we have actressese shooting off at the mouth about not being able to play certain roles due to their age and stuff. The gem was Sharon Stone saying she’s real happy when she sees other actresses, say a Cate Blanchett, doing a wonderful job on screen. Yeah right, Sharon. I’da watched the entire doc just to see actresses feel sorry for themselves. I mean the movie had interviews with Sharon, Meg Ryan, Debra Winger, Patricia Arquette, etc; basically a cornucopia of has-beens. Notice how none of the current female stars were involved. I mean u wanna tell me Julia, Catherine, Angelina, etc wouldn’t feel hypocritical complaining about roles they can’t get ‘cos they are women? Shame.
Remember when Sharon, after Basic Instinct, said something along the lines of, “I’d call any guy in Hollywood and name a place and a time and he’ll show up…..”? Man, not since Vanilla Ice has one ridden the success from a hit movie/song for so long. Poor Sharon, she must wonder where her career went wrong; even paparazzi don’t pay her attention. That’s what happens when u believe ur own hype. She’d count herself lucky, at least she’s not dead; which can’t be said for Tupac who was another person who believed his hype. Gangster this, gangster that; well, gangster dead now.

Problem with actors and singers is they tend to take themselves too seriously. To y’all aspiring artistes out there, here’s a tip: chill out. If u take urself too seriously like Steven Sordebergh, Julia Roberts, etc u end up with a piece of crap like Full Frontal. When musicians take themselves too seriously they end up fondling some strange string instrument like Sting did during the 2004 Oscars.
Okay, I’ve ranted on and an about Hollywood. Time to stop. Okay, just one more. With the high cost of watching movies in the cinema I bet some of u would wanna know what to avoid. Well, I can’t let u in on my secrets (‘cos they hardly ever prove successful), but u can basically tell how crap a movie’s gonna be just from the trailers. For e.g. Laws Of Attraction, Thunderbirds. The former showed Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore in court, then she eats some spicy food and spits it out, he laffs……..point is it was a crap trailer, hence crap movie. Hmmmm, just occurred to me I may have way too much time on my hands.

Work news: Had to redesign the Tunde Pole ‘cos a colleague who’s never received Xmas cards got some – we (co-workers) felt bad for him so sent him loads – and wanted to display them. Since the club has no individual desks this dude wanted to display his cards on his Tunde Pole. Tried velcro, then glue….but cards wouldn’t stick. Then this Alfred Einstein (geddit?) tried extra strong adhesive. It got the job done, but punk forgot to wipe it off. To cut a long story short, he got stuck sliding down another pole. Had to rush him to the clinic and the dude’s now got a Michael Jackson swath on his left inner thigh. Don’t tell him, but his nickname’s Stripe (as in The Gremlins). Ha. Dude says he’s gonna sue me. Yeah, right. Like this looks like America.

Off to go buy football jerseys for the other 19 English Premiership teams. If Arsenal’s going down I’m taking the others down with me. Ha huh ha huh ha Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, December 12, 2005

Alams has been why am I not happy?

Hola peeps. Otro desplome plano. Triste. Woke up buzzing on Saturday ‘cos the thief Alams got impeached and arrested on Friday 9th December. Found out late in the evening, and though I’d planned to do some work the joy I felt that Nigeria’s finally acting right took precedence. As a result, I thot it best to ignore work for TV so I’d enjoy this feeling for longer. It’s a crap way to act I know, but find myself doing stuff like that now and again……especially after sporting events. For instance, after Arsenal win a game by a huge margin I find myself watching highlights over and over again and regaling peeps with tales of goals scored. Yes, I know I need a life. Anyways, the buzz quickly dissipated when I got home. If I wasn’t pissed enough that Arsenal lost (yet again!) I got to find out that another plane crashed, and though there were survivors, 103 peeps died.

Saturday, 10th December 2005 shoulda been an ace day as two separate family friends had engagement parties planned, and for weeks been looking forward to getting stuffed on nice food. Then, heard about my mate’s wife’s death during the week. Didn’t make it to either party ‘cos decided to go along with other mates to condole him. Woulda gone on my own, but didn’t have a clue on how to get there. Scratch that; if I’m honest I’d say the main reason I wanted other peeps there is ‘cos I’dn’t have known what to say at such a time. I mean what does one say to someone who’s lost his life partner? “It will be well; God has a plan for everything”?

I honestly do believe God has a plan for everything, and even though my mate has a strong relationship with God I decided it was one of those times when it’s more appropriate to shut up. Whatever words of encouragement offered would sound trite. Glad I went ‘cos the dude appreciated it and said he needed the laugh. Yup, ladies and gentlemen meet Tunde, ur friendly neighborhood clown. Kinda reminds me of another mate of ours called Tony. The worst tragedy could happen to u and just one look at Tony would make u laugh. He doesn’t look weird or nothing, it’s just that his mannerisms crack me up. Once he told me about a time he walked over to console his fav cuz after her dad died. The girl had been bawling her eyes out and peeps surrounded her and tried to console her by offering trite statements like one I mentioned earlier. Anyways, it doesn’t work and she’s shedding more tears. Suddenly she hears footsteps, and with tear-filled eyes looks back to see who’s approaching. Soon as she picks out Tony’s silhouette she cracks up and laughs like crazy. Tony said he felt awful with himself, but told him he was beating himself up over nada. Hey, maybe that’s Tony’s gift to the world. We’d take him along to funerals and charge for his hysterics-inducing services. Sorry about the last sentence folks, the paucity of cash in my wallet’s making me dream up all sorts of money-making ventures. Damn NYSC.

So back to my beliefs: I trust that God knows the big picture and tsunamis, wars, plane crashes are all part of the equation, but………..wait, what I am trying to say is, doubts emerge when u hear stories of another plane crash and most on board are young folk. Went to church on Sunday and the preacher musta read my mind ‘cos she spoke about the same thing and gave an instance of where a fellow pastor – who, by the way, was observing a fast at the time – died in a plane crash. She cried to God and complained about the unfairness of life and she said He left this phrase with her: Use ur faith to trust my integrity as God that I know what I am doing……. Kinda dovetailed with the underlying message of a daily devotional I’ve been reading. A few weeks ago there was a teaching on being strengthened in the weak places. The gist of it was God knows our weaknesses and is there to help; the best we can pray for is that our time of weakness helps in strengthening someone else. Didn’t get the point ‘til I heard someone else say that whatever we going through God gets the glory. Hence, if u having a bad patch let someone else observe that and see a reason to thank God, and when u having a good patch let there be a reason for someone to give thanks to God about that too.

Funny ‘cos drove to work on Friday in a foul mood, and was surprised I didn’t run over someone, ‘cos was pissed when I heard about the tactics the government used to kick people outta their houses. Couldn’t figure out how Nigeria got so unlucky as to have utter bastards as leaders; how our leaders don’t even feel what the common man’s going through. Seems God kept telling me to chill out; kinda like saying, “cast no stones…”, but didn’t wanna listen. Probably didn’t help that Linkin Park was playing on the radio. Ha. Kept hoping to get Obasanjo in a dark alley so I’d throw a few punches. Then, I got home and heard about Alams’ arrest and thanked God that Obasanjo had the good sense to appoint Nuhu Ribadu as head of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC).
Later, I recalled some of the bad things I’d done in the course of my life that I thot were downright unforgivable, but God forgave me, and so did those I hurt (mostly my family, but haven’t had time to contact my exs. Ha). That’s why after getting over my happiness at Alams’ arrest I also prayed he’d be forgiven by God and that others can learn from his mistakes. Moral of the story is no one’s totally good and no one’s wholly bad……even Alams. Most Africans prefer Clinton to Bush, but the latter’s donated more aid to us than Clinton did. I mean I felt disappointed when I found out years ago about Rev. Jesse Jackson’s extramarital affair. “This dude’s the lightning rod for the Black community in the States, he walked with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., how could he allow this to happen?”, I asked myself. Then, got reminded of the number of people I’d cheated on. See what I mean about praying that ur weakness helps in strengthening someone? That doesn’t mean we should not criticize our leaders or shout out whenever they do something wrong. Maybe if we put ourselves in their shoes we’d have more empathy for some of their actions. That said most past leaders in Nigeria should be stripped naked and flogged for what they’ve done. Ha huh ha huh ha huh

I am a voracious reader and consume most stuff I see around me….when I have the time of course. Ha. Anyways, the recent tragedies reminded me of an article I read about Arthur Ashe. After he contracted AIDS via a blood transfusion he went through that Job phase, i.e. “God, why me?” He had a li’l girl and knew he wouldn’t get to walk her down the aisle or see her kids. He knew she wouldn’t have a dad to call her own later in life. He couldn’t get why he’d been struck by this incurable disease. Then, it occurred to him that if he always said ‘why me?’ about bad stuff that happens to him, shouldn’t he say the same when good stuff happens as well? I mean why was he chosen to be the first black dude to win Wimbledon? That left a deep impression in my heart, so when I heard about my mate’s wife and then, the plane crash my first thought was to rail at God, then I chilled. I am not saying I have the answer to everything or I’m consoled by the fact God knows what He’s doing, all I wanna bring out here is I have accepted that I’ll have doubts now and then, but God knows. I don’t know the reason for the plane crash, but I pray God consoles the families of those who died, hears their cry and offers them some form of hope.

Think I’m now at a point where I just try to remain humble when tragedies happen………now all God needs to do is explain why Arsenal are having such a bad patch……hey, at least we still in Europe unlike Man Utd….and our soul hasn’t been lost to money like Chelsea……and we have skillful youngsters unlike most Premiership teams…and…..hey, yup, God knows what He’s doing after all. Tot ziens and God bless.

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Friday, December 09, 2005

Bad news: Alams is still free; Good news: I am still good looking

Hola peeps. Srta. usted individuos. ¿Cómo usted ha sido? Been crazy busy writing a proposal to have retractable poles in all strip joints in the local area. Daunting task, I tell u.

Man, the political scene in Nigeria’s heating up every day. In the past few weeks the aide-de-camp to the vice president’s been arrested for “security reasons”. Yet, the VP says nada and he and the President put up bold faces in public, yet cannot stand each other. Almost like old Bond movies where James Bond wants to kill the baddie, the baddie wants to kill Bond, they both know they wanna kill each other, yet spend most of the movie playing silly test-of-manhood games. Hilarious. So much fun when I see two peeps who never gave a hoot about the public now clamouring for public support 'cos they've fallen out.

The President’s withheld the November allocation to Bayelsa State and sent in troops to quell possible disturbances. Sad, sad…..and the Senate agrees with the latter. This is democracy?! Now the House in Plateau State’s been ‘urged’ to impeach Governor Dariye. Unconfirmed reports suggest the members of the House who had diverted funds allotted for other activities were possibly blackmailed into doing this. No one would be happier if Alams (spelling his name’s giving me cramps) and Dariye were behind bars, but don’t feel this is the way to accomplish it. U either believe in democratic principles whole nine, or not at all. No half-measures here.

Peeps been telling me my TV idea won’t fly ‘cos of sensitive state of Nigeria and how government runs roughshod over peeps they don’t like, e.g. folk that used to work for the defunct Nigeria Airways woke up to find their official premises ransacked and bulldozed ‘cos government had given incessant warnings to leave. Sad thang is these peeps haven’t been given their gratuity and are owed salaries, and that’s the major reason they stayed in those apartments. The case is still in court, but that didn’t stop the government from flexing its muscles. Same with withholding allocation for Lagos State even though a court has ruled it had no right to do so. With actions like these no wonder Alams and his band of thieves can claim to be victims.

Man, thot Americans take the biscuit when it comes to unscrupulous behaviour (e.g. jurors in the Michael Jackson case saying they felt he was guilty….just as soon as they secured book deals; or take the O.J. case, probably all peeps involved in that, even jurors' pets, secured one book deal or more), but this Alams dude’s taking the piss. No remorse, no shame at all. Dude still feels he did nada wrong. Alams, of course, says he’s innocent, but so did Al Capone.
Anyways, the dude’s getting impeached by the House in Bayelsa State, but one wonders why this wasn’t done soon after his arrest? So, watching NTA News, which is unadulterated propaganda most times, and the Speaker of the House in Bayelsa State appears on TV to inform us they’ve begun impeachment proceedings against Alams. He gave his reasons: arrest on money laundering charges, jumping bail, etc. Funny thing is he seemed most upset with the fact that Alams jumped bail dressed as a woman. Almost almost as if it was an affront to his masculinity as a Speaker. Hilarious stuff. Even New York Times carried the story, here’s a snippet:
Under a Nigerian law enacted to help develop the oil-rich but long-neglected Niger Delta, 13 percent of the revenue generated in any state is returned there for development. Bayelsa produces 30 percent of the country's oil, and with recent sky-high oil prices, the state budget this year ballooned to $560 million, compared with nearly $300 million in 2003…………But the money has not brought widespread development. It has mostly paid for white elephants like mansions for the governor and his deputy. The 2005 budget sets aside $8.5 million to construct those two houses, along with more than $2 million for furnishings………And that is just this year. Since 2002 the state has spent more than $25 million on the governor's mansion, according to budgets on file in Yenagoa's tiny public library. The fence enclosing the two houses alone cost $5.7 million………Meanwhile, the Poverty Eradication Committee, whose purpose is not explained, has a budget of about $23,000, according to the 2005 spending plan, which is posted on the state's Web site, That is a little more than half of what is budgeted for toiletries for state officials……. Now y'all understand why I am pissed?

Heard Nigerians now require transit visas to pass thru South Africa. South friggin’ Africa?! Man, actions of some Nigerians are making things bad for the rest of us. Maybe it’s time we retaliated. I mean first the UK suspends visas for first time travellers b/w the ages of 18 and 30 and now South Africa’s acting all high and mighty. Nigerian government should require similar stringent restrictions from foreigners. Maybe we'd require all foreigners to take ‘Nigeria Appreciation’ trips while in the country to understand the vagaries of us Nigerians. We’d even throw in courtesy visits to tourist attractions like Alams’ mansions and have them peek at his bank records. Higher paying tourists would be allowed to feel his tummy and if they pay primo bucks they’d permanently tattoo whatever they want on it. Kinda like graffiti, but more wholesome. When there’s no space left for tattoos we’d then send Alams on exhibition around museums outside the country. We’ll make sure he has 10 bodyguards this time……..u know, just in case he wants to repeat his Houdini act.

Entertainment news: Nick and Jessica finally decided to end their relationship. Two no-talented folk. No loss to anyone. Speaking of Jessica Simpson I was on the phone with my cuz in the States and he said he and the family were watching VH1 when Jessica’s shown walking up the stage. Next thing my god-daughter (his 4 yr old daughter) blurts out,“she’s hot…”. Lol…..he said he couldn’t believe his ears and asked her where she had heard such a statement. She innocently said, “that’s what boys say.” She’s friggin’ 4 years old! Says maybe he’d send her to Nigeria later in life. Like that’s gonna do any good. Heard on radio the other day that the Gay and Lesbian society in Nigeria is holding a symposium in Abuja. Yup, this on Nigerian radio. Who woulda thunk?

Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid movies, passed away recently. Shall always remember him for when I watched the first Karate Kid movie at my first crush’s crib. Still remember it was July 6th 1986. She wore this flowing white dress and was a heckuva dancer. Her house was in Festac and…….hey, reminiscing too much. Met up with her in 2000 and well, let’s just say I wasn’t as fond of her as I once was. That’s what movies do to u, u watch a good movie and most times u remember where u were when….nah, come to think of it maybe that only applies to watching a good movie in ur crib or someone else’s, 'cos whenever I think of good movies I saw in the cinema I most often forget who my date was. In fact that got me in trouble once: I asked this chick if she had enjoyed a certain movie and turned out I had seen it with someone else. Anyways, seems I always remember my date when I see crap movies in the cinema. In fact, one of the reasons I never asked some chick out was she’d bad taste, or was just unlucky, in selecting movies. Took the same chick to see PRACTICAL MAGIC and MICHAEL in the space of a few years. What are the odds of her choosing 2 crap movies both times? I decided that we’d never be if her taste/luck was so bad. I mean can u imagine setting up home with that lady? With her luck the minute u move into ur mansion it’s declared a toxic dump. Ha. Just kidding….well, kinda.

Anyways, back to Pat Morita. African American actors complain they have it bad, but Asians…man. Can u believe he once played a character on Sanford and Son called Ah Chew. Lol…makes me laff even thinking about it. Just like a black guy paying a character called Burnt Skeen.

Tunde news: Loadsa peeps saying I’ve lost weight. Haven’t noticed myself but, except it’s some huge PUNKED sketch that’s roped in everyone from the tea lady at work to long lost friends, I suppose they must be right. Hey, ever noticed how Ashton Kutcher shows up on PUNKED for only popular stars? Watch another episode and u’ll see what I mean. On one show Zoe Saldana (fine as heck with dark gums too…oh la la) got PUNKED and then shouts, “where’s Ashton? I’ll kill him…” Yeah, right. Like Ashton’s gonna show up for ur Drumline arse just ‘cos y’all starred in Guess Who? together. Anyways, back to weight loss. U see, been jogging more frequently in preparation for a marathon which I skipped out on ‘cos an interview was scheduled with a rival strip club for that day. Might as well have run the marathon ‘cos discovered this club’s got even stricter entry criteria than my current employers. There are 5 stages before an employment letter’s offered: Aptitude Test (I skipped this when they found out I have an engineering degree, but questions include ‘best way to untangle g-string’ or ‘best song to get a customer to spend more money’), Medical, Strength Test (e.g. how long one can do the split with a smile on one’s face while being pelted with li’l tomatoes), Special Skill (think I impressed them with my ability to retract and setup my soon-to-be patented Tunde Pole in less than 18 seconds), and Panel Interview (which consists of assuming favorite lap dance position while the owners of the club paint a portrait………in invisible ink....).
So what do y’all suggest as best way to put on weight? Please don’t ask me to stop jogging ‘cos I am already addicted. Hmmm, maybe that’d be a sketch on my TV show: the Running Man. A guy so addicted to running he’s forced to attend RA (Runners Anonymous) meetings that are held in a closet or a zero gravity room. Man, I kill myself!

Nigeria news (not politics): Nigeria’s 2Face Idibia won an MTV Europe Music Award. Good on Nigeria, right? Well, yes and no. Nowadays everyone, even old folk, wanna be either musicians or comedians. Hence, we’ve got all sorts populating the TV screen. Even long forgotten musicians are remixing their hits and releasing jazzed up videos. U know the music industry’s crying out for help when a 75 yr-old one-album wonder’s wearing a baseball jersey and baggy jeans in order to be 'street'. Hey, even Tom Jones tried rapping once, so there.

Chaka Demus and Pliers are billed to perform in a few days….are they still relevant?….and Ja Rule (definitely not relevant) and Kevin Lyttle are doing their thang over the Xmas break. U see it’s almost as if this 419 corruption thang’s pervading even huge companies. A huge brewery’s been sponsoring concerts over Xmas for the past 6 years and brought BuckTooth and rest of the L’il Rascals (aka 50 Cent and G Unit crew) over last Xmas. This year they asked the populace to vote (via text messages) for whom they’d like to see. Wanna tell me Nigerians chose Ja Rule and Kevin Lyttle? C’mon. I’m sure even Kevin Lyttle’s mama doesn’t wanna hear Turn Me On anymore….and only people feeling Ja are his kids…and maybe his wife….on the first of the month (not to worry, not all y’all will get it). I’ve done a quick survey and most Nigerians – okay, I only surveyed the security guard at the office…hey, decided to get info from him since he was trying to extort money off me! – would rather see Kanye West, R. Kelly or Michael Jackson. The latter, mostly for shock value……..and to highlight the similarities between him and the Bayelsa State governor, when the latter’s in his Priscilla (as in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) mode, of course. Anyways back to the 419 thang. It’s getting closer to home now ‘cos over a thousand peeps dropped by the strip club with CVs as they heard we were recruiting for a client who’s thinking of starting his own leather clothing company. It was a shocker to us. After further investigation we realized it was a scam. Sad. Hey, just in case u were wondering, yes, the management of the club’s decided to expand into recruitment. Why? Business is slow…’s getting to the festive season and most of our female clients are cooking more, so have less time for getting their freak on. Anyways, we (strippers) were given harsh recruitment targets while being fed the we-care-about-u and this-company-can-only-grow-through-u lines. Sad thang is management doesn’t know this will lose us more high profile clients. Can u imagine the CEO of some company stopping by for a dance on her way home and then hearing, “U would like a dance? Cool, but can I interest u in our recruitment service first? Don’t bother posting an ad in regular media; use our service and we’ll screen CVs night and day – u know we hardly sleep – ‘til we get u the ideal candidate for ur vacancy. Best thing is if u sign up with us now u’ll get a free lap dance for every successful candidate we provide.”?

In another case of 419, the populace’s been asked to send text messages to some number to help Nigeria’s representative at the Miss World beauty pageant come back home with the crown. Huh, so what if the chick’s butt ugly? If text messages rule why hold a pageant in the first place? Damn liars.

Anyway peeps, gotta go back to that proposal. Actually, something serious just came up. A mate’s wife died during childbirth, but the babies (twin boys) are fine. Man, feel so bad for the dude. Seriously, it’s one of those decisions u never wanna make: wife or kids. Man. Please pray for him. Tot ziens and God bless.

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