Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Will u marry me?

Hola peeps. No sea asustado por favor por el título. So how y’all been? Moi? On the R.I.G. and things are the same ol’ same ol’…..if that’s possible.

Was on the phone with female mate last week when discovered we had a mutual friend.

Tunde: Oh u know Mr. RU? Dude and we grew up together and last I heard he’s now in Spain.
Mate: Yeah. I saw him last week in Lagos. He’s so nice. How come all the nice guys are gay?
Tunde: Lol….dude’s always been effete so guess it’s a common misconception that he’s gay.
Mate: No, he is. Dude comes to Naija every other month to be with his boyfriend, who’s my closest male friend.
Tunde: U what? Nah, he’s just effete.
Mate: Lol…..look u swimming in that great Egyptian river. They just celebrated their 2nd year anniversary.
Tunde: Nooooooooooooo

It’s been 5 days since that conversation and I still have my doubts. Now it’ll be foolish to think there are no gay Naija guys, but think it must be a black thang to hope, nah wish, it’s not stuff that happens with close mates, family, etc. Almost like that scene in the BBC comedy series Goodness Gracious Me where the Asian dude shows up with his gay lover to his parents’ crib and gives subtle hints about his ‘status’.

Son: Dad, Fred and I share a bed.
Dad: Yeah, back in the army I shared a bed with other members of the infantry as well. It builds camaraderie…
Son: But, we are in a committed relationship and…..
Dad: Yeah, I remember when I joined the Boys Scout as well…..
Son: No, I meant Fred and I are gay!
Dad (*with a shocked look on his face*): Er, er, yeah ur mom and I are gay as well. Happy as can be after 20 years of marriage.
Son: NO, DAD. I mean we are homosexuals.
Dad: Oh, I’m hard at hearing. Did u say homosapiens?

Lol…..that’d be typical response from a Naija family. Remember as teenagers playing video games in neighbour’s living room, when his mom walks in from kitchen, sees cigarette butts scattered everywhere – dude was an avid smoker - and still asks, “Do u guys smell cigarette smoke?” Lol…..D-E-N-I-A-L baby. Maybe gay mate’s parents are going thru the same process where they hoping dude’ll change his mind or wondering what they could do to change his mind. Reminds me of when folk discovered Britney had all her hair chopped off and checked into rehab. Mate wondered aloud, “Dem get rehab place like that for Naija?” “Yes”, I deadpanned, “it’s called the Celestial Church of Christ. After being flogged with brooms for days on end any addiction u got will vanish like Kaiser Soze.” Man, I kill myself.

R.I.G. news: After news of gay mate one couldn’t help thinking that there’d be some gay folk in a dance boot camp such as this, but dismissed chances of that happening ‘cos most folk are eight to a room so ain’t no chance of privacy. Coincidentally, while R.I.G. boss and I were discussing logistic issues – discovered potable water supply’s polluted and this is giving folk diarrhoea, so we running (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) outta bog roll – some dude walks in and requests a ‘bog roll’ permit – yup, we rationing that as well. Boss then squints, and I thot he was having another case of the runs, but instead he asks the dude to move closer. “U using eye pencil?” Dude blushes and replies, “Yes, sir. U see my eyes are always red so this helps to solve the problem.” U what?

U know the Baby/Buoyant/Sun Girl dude? Well, he ain’t been around this time, but his replacement’s just as interesting. Dude refers to everyone as M’lord - hear he always wanted to be a lawyer – and gist is he wept like a baby after he learnt the Rivers State governor Odili failed to gain the PDP vice presidential ticket. Yup, a character alright.

‘Cos of the water problem folk haven’t done much training and have instead been binging on Nollywood movies home videos. As the quickest route to the kitchen is via the recreation room where movies are screened I’ve caught the ff Academy Award worthy exchanges:

1. Girl: Mom, Kelechi’s dead.
Mom (*in another location, hoping to convey distress*): WHAT? KELECHI’S DEAD?
Girl: Yes, I found him dead in dad’s house.

Now if I were in charge of the movie the exchange woulda gone something a li’l like this:
Girl: Mom, Kelechi’s dead.
Mom (*in another location, hoping to convey distress*): WHAT? KELECHI’S DEAD?
Girl: Yes, I found him dead in dad’s house.
Girl (*now pissed off*): Okay mom, I know this is a Nollywood movie but u don’t have to repeat everything I say. Did I friggin’ stutter?
Mom (*now not sure what to do as her acting coach, aka her househelp, had only taught her to scream out words*): Er, er, WHAT? THIS IS A NOLLYWOOD MOVIE AND U A STUTTERER?

Guy: C’mon baby, my hands are not filthy, they are juicy.

Huh? Juicy? Now maybe I walked in after dude had finished peeling oranges or something, but who’da come up with such a line? Lol…juicy. Man, that killed me. Gonna use that line next time a chick gets pissed off at me.

Girl: U are such an imbecile. Do u expect me to believe that explanation?
Tunde: C’mon baby, Shakira’s hips don’t lie and neither do my lips, they are juicy.

Mom: Why do u treat me so? All my friends’ sons are married yet u insist on torturing me by not getting hitched.
Tunde: Mom, I love u to bits, but u must realize the fourth finger on my left hand isn’t quite ready for a ring, it’s juicy.

While we on the marriage tip, here’s what I discovered from the R.I.G.: Girl, runfuh u life if u dating a guy from PH. Recently discovered a close mate in PH is a serial ‘proposer’. Man, wouldn’t that be ace on a bizness card? “Hi, my name’s Bond, James Bond, and I am a serial proposer. Will u marry me?” Lol…..

Seems dude proposes to all and sundry when he wants to bed them. Dude goes as far as meeting their folks, even when the chicks are clearly not interested in him. Lol….man, that’s what u call sticktoitness. Told folk on the R.I.G. about this, but all I got was blank stares. Seems proposing to multiple chicks is so common in PH guys either plan weddings outside PH, or hire bouncers to evict chicks from the church venue. Serious. Some guy told me of a mate of his who was so adept at this proposal thang he didn’t tell anyone when he was gonna get married. Turns out one of his victims found out and raised her hand up in church when the congregation was asked if they had objections to the union. Dude’s mates stepped to her and offered her 200,000 Naira on the spot, but she wouldn’t budge. Lol…where’s a camcorder when u need one? And to think I’ve been wasting my Saturdays in PH praying Arsenal would play to their potential; I’d have been out crashing weddings with Parminder.

One dude had 3 chicks preggers for him at the time of his wedding, another went as far as travelling to chick’s village to see her grandma. Damn. Some dude on R.I.G. said he was so desperate to sleep with some chick he went with his boss to chick’s parents and pretended the boss was his older brother. “I told her folks I’d return later in the month with extended family. Then I spent the weekend with the chick in a hotel. Afterwards, I ran outta there like a speed demon. Man, good times, good times.”

Lol….told y’all I always learn something new when I visit the R.I.G. Yeah, also learnt there are three ‘official’ Mother’s Day per year: 2 Sundays ago for Anglican mothers, last Sunday for Catholic mothers, sometime later in the year for American mothers. So what do u do if ur mom’s an American Catholic? Man, as if I don’t have enuff trouble keeping up with folks’ and siblings’ birthdays, anniversaries, birthdays of nieces and nephews – in the past 2 months three first cousins have had kids!

PH news: Dude owing me bucks paid today. Thank You Lord. Now I can cop that diamond stud I’d been admiring. Bling bling, baby.

U know ex-girlfriend of mate, yeah that one? Turns out chick’s getting hitched in October. “I am so glad ur mate took the piss outta me ‘cos if not I’m sure I probably woulda been hanging around him hoping he’d gimme some face time with all the girls he has. Erm, please don’t tell him I’m getting married though.”

Hmmm, is she afraid he’d object? Or maybe she knows she has a soft spot for him and would probably run back to him if he asked. Amazing the control us humans have over each other. There are some chicks one’d take shite from, but if another girl did something of less impact one’d kick her to the curb. I think everyone has that special someone they, er, have some form of control over. C’mon think about it. There’s this chick who’d be in her wedding dress and I’ll call and tell her not to get married and I KNOW she wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even have to promise her a relationship! Scary, huh? There’s also this chick who’s married with a kid and though I swear to myself, and pray continuously, I’d never sleep with a married woman if she called I’d at least consider it. Heck, I’d even picture myself driving to our rendezvous spot, weighing the pros and cons with my conscience, then crashing my car into a lamppost so I’d have a ‘valid’ excuse for not meeting up.

Yeah, I don’t mean to be a cynic but after mate’s ex said she’s getting married I’d not help but think her new beau coulda been backup all the while she was seeing mate. (Most chicks have backups whether they choose to admit it or not. In the ATL they even have a ‘Maintenance man’.) I mean if mate acted like a right bastard towards her she has every right to, er, secure her future, but didn’t expect justification from her. “I met my fiancé after ur mate and I ended things and….” Yeah, right. After the ‘incident’ she still kicked it with mate up ‘til Xmas so u wanna tell me since then she met some dude who proposed almost immediately. C’mon I may have a killer six-pack, but that don’t mean…..actually I just wanted to reiterate the fact that I have a rock hard six-pack. Ha.

Other mate’s still smitten with his girlfriend and chances are he’s getting hitched this year. Chuffed dude’s happy, but he’s taking this The One thang a li’l too seriously. The other day she mistakenly sent him a text message meant for her dad. “See, we are so in sync she enters my number when she intends to contact someone else….” They call/text each other daily so chances are she’s used to entering his number on her phone, hence the mistake. Didn’t wanna tell dude this ‘cos that woulda rained on his parade. Now the day she mistakenly sends him a message that he isn’t meant to see what would he think then? Had an incident when this chick I was seeing sent an email to mates about dude she had a crush on. Her mates read it and realized she had mistakenly sent me the email so she called me asap and begged me not to read it. As the loyal boyfriend I didn’t, and still dunno what she wrote about the dude.

Was I a bit miffed girlfriend had crush on another guy? Heck yeah. Did I hold it against her? Heck no. Do u know how many crushes I develop daily? It’da been hypocritical of me to say anything. Goodness knows what all y’all would think if u got a look at my journal. Ha. That’s why I’m hoping mate doesn’t attach much gravitas to things as trivial as misplaced calls.

Love the dude like a brother, but he’s got this one-track mind when it comes to getting hitched. Heck, Chief – in one of our numerous talks - says that’s what it takes to get married so maybe dude knows what he’s talking about after all. It’s just that………okay, so the other day we conversating – blame Jill Scott and her beautiful smile for my using that word – and dude asks if I’ve asked Angelina Jolie her genotype. “Look dude, u need to know these things before u commit further….” So when’s the perfect time to ask for one’s genotype, I ask. “After the second date would be ideal.” Huh? Come to think about it, I’ve never asked any of my ex’s that. Does that mean I never thought long-term with them? Nah, it’s just that….u know, that’s one of those point-of-no-return questions where girl u ask that believes u ready to commit….well, except u a PH guy.

Another iffy thang that bugs me about pre-marriage period is at what point do u refer to ur in-laws as ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’? What if stuff happens and y’all end ur engagement? How do u go back from ‘Dad’ to Mr. Voight? See my predicament?

Okay, enuff about marriage what else has been going on in PH? Well, started jogging again and it’s cool to have the wind blowing thru (armpit) hair again. Actually have a jogging pal, but tend to dump her now and then ‘cos chick likes to jabber on or sing aloud when running, while I prefer to use my running time to concentrate on solving life’s pressing problems such as global warming, violence in Lagos traffic, and how to cop a conflict-free diamond stud.
Also can’t fart out loud when one has a jogging partner, and as any doctor worth his salt will tell y’all one can get an aneurysm from holding in noisy fart.

Left shoulder’s been aching like crazy for so long now I can’t remember how I hurt it. Told neighbour about it and she suggested I visit a chiropractor. “I don’t know of one but I hear there’s a good masseur at a local hotel. I’m off there tomorrow so I’ll give u a feedback.” The next week I enquire as to masseur’s competence and she hissed. “Masseur ko, massacre ni. That guy has lost his calling, he’d be a gigolo. I walk in and notice an old friend about to go in, so I walk in with her. This dude makes her lie with her back to the ceiling, mounts her, and starts massaging buttocks like he’s kneading dough. I stormed out only to meet about 5 middle-aged housewives fighting to go next….” Lol…only in PH.

Lagos news: Peeps, be honest, is there any reason why I am always the last sibling to discover stuff happening in my crib? The milkman in the UK get to find out stuff about family b4 I do. Asked sis Nike about this and she cracked up. When I assured her I was serious, she said, “It’d be that family think u never take anything serious. U dedicated ur Masters thesis to ur car Samantha for goodness sake!” I asked for honesty, not brutal, hands-down truth, man. Felt humble afterwards and resolved to curb my Jim Carrey antics. All sisters but one are married and never had those oh so precious movie moments where brothers defend their sisters from bullies or hand down dating advice, etc. I never could get that serious enuff. Only one unmarried sister left and gotta do my utmost to make up for lost time. Also, gotta call my married sisters often and talk about stuff other than my crush of the week.

Just discovered – yes, everyone else had known for weeks – that Loye and Jide would be heading to the UK after Kinzo’s wedding for their Masters degrees. Called Ayo to diss him, “Dude, u gonna be the only one in the Lagos crib seeing as Loye and Jide are out, I’ll be in PH, and Mama will be in school most of the time. Chief’s gonna bug u about marriage daily. Man, all the moms are gonna shower u with love and food. How u gonna cope with no other sibling in the crib? They gonna know ur every move. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.”

Ayo waited ‘til I’d wiped the tears of joy from my eyes and then dropped his bombshell that he’d decided to extend his sojourn in the UK by another year, at least. “But everyone in the house had known about my decision for about a month now, thot they’da told u. Guess u gonna be the one receiving all the love from the moms instead. How does ur ‘evil genius’ laugh go again? Ha huh ha huh.” Man, that’s cold. Seems might have to get used to crib in PH or rent a crib when in Lagos.

Received an email from mate last night with the subject title, “I am off the shelf.” Her boyfriend finally proposed and seems she got her dream man ‘cos since I’ve known her she’s committed herself to “an Ibo guy who’s Catholic as well”. Good on her. If I can’t get Angelina I’ll hold out for a 6 ft natural blonde, blue-eyed, Asian girl. Wish me luck. Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, March 19, 2007

Get behind me cheesecake!

Hola peeps. Llovió hoy, pero sigue siendo realmente caliente en mi apartamento. ¿Por qué? No power. Not that bothered though. Why? ‘Cos I’m off to the land of constant power and hot showers.Yup, heading back to the R.I.G. tomorrow. It’s been almost 2 months since I left that setting and I have grown to miss it.

I know what y’all are thinking, “He’s probably missed the food”, and I must say y’all are partly right. Partly? Yup. Haven’t copped a cooker yet, but I’ve learnt to use the microwave to create all sortsa fascinating culinary delights. In fact thinking of having a cooking segment on my TV show – more on that later – where I allow my inner Martha Stewart to blossom. I’ll provide an easy to follow guide on transforming the plain, ol’ microwave into a veritable dispenser of mouth-watering dishes such as Cassa und nutella (i.e. garri and heated groundnuts) and Flaked milch (aka cereal in warm milk) that make the taste buds tingle with delight.

When I’m not brandishing the microwave manual I’ve been fed to my heart’s content at mate’s crib ‘cos dude’s girlfriend has been visiting every weekend now and chances are he’s getting ‘formally’ introduced to the girl’s family b4 the year runs out. I know dude’s ready for marriage ‘cos, er, he says so(?) Lately, all dude’s been talking about is how ready for marriage he is.

I go use the bathroom in his room and get, “Dude, u know u can’t just walk into my room unannounced any more ‘cos very soon I’m not gonna be the only one living here.
I see an empty egg crate in his car and he tells me, “U know very soon I’m gonna be shopping for two so I’m getting myself prepared.
Dude sees me hanging clothes on those plastic portable dryer thingies and asks, “How much did that dryer cost u? U know I might need to get one to hang babies clothes on.
Dude and I see this cute kid running along and he asks me, “Did u get the name of the school on that kid’s uniform? U know one can never be early enough in getting good schools for kids…..

I tell u it’s driving me crazy, I mean dude’s not even engaged to the chick yet. The other day I spot the rep of some fancy new high school in PH handing out brochures so I pick one up and furnish mate with it as a joke. Dude got the joke and cracked up, but later, with tears in his eyes, he thanked me for the gesture. Huh? “This shows that with all the jokes and all on the exterior u really discern what concerns folks. Thank u, thank u. My wife-to-be and I thank u…..” I was gobsmacked.

Never met anyone that was this into marriage. Even Kinzo who’s finally found The One doesn’t act like that, but then again I think Kinzo doesn’t let on how he really feels. Lol….which guy does? Come to think about it in December 1996 both Ayo and I discovered our girlfriends were cheating and I can’t remember either of us letting on to how we really felt….okay, except once when Ayo snapped at Nike for dissing his girlfriend. Couldn’t blame him, I mighta done the same.

Anyways during last trip to Lagos just to see if Kinzo was the same Kinzo Jide, bro-in-law and I – Loye was with his stunning girlfriend - prodded Kinzo with new stories of infidelity we had heard:

1. Close mate of mine who was a ‘man about town’ before getting hitched admits he hasn’t cheated on his wife since they got married, but is adamant he’s gonna do so soon ‘cos some chick he had a crush on back in primary school(!) recently got in touch and doesn’t have any qualms about being a mistress;
2. Problems family friend’s having trusting women after he discovered wife in bed with a ‘mate’. Dude now treats women like a gangsta rapper. Lol…who can blame him? His mates considered an intervention, but decided against it as “that’s the stuff women do”;
3. Friend of a friend in the UK also discovered his wife was cheating, and even worse, lost his house to her. Now dude makes a conscious effort to attend weddings so he can get slaughtered and rant and rave about “unhappiness ever after”.

Man, u’da seen Kinzo. Dude was as animated as ever and didn’t show any signs of doubts about his choice to get hitched. Good on him, I wish him all the best. Though feel he’s gonna be one of those grooms who end up bawling on their wedding day. Dunno why, just have a feeling about these thangs. Ha.

Asked Kinzo how his ‘girls’ took his decision and he said the only one that isn’t cool with it found out from a third party. Spoke to one of the chick’s friends last week and when I told her about Kinzo’s impending nuptials and she said, “Woah, Miss C know Kinzo’s getting married? Man, she’ll be crushed ‘cos she has a soft spot for him.” And I replied, “If it’s any consolation she ain’t the only one.”

Sorry gotta digress here for a bit. That response to Miss C’s friend was cold, huh? I didn’t intend to I just said the first witty remark that came to my head. In the past week the ff has spewed outta my mouth:

a. Out for lunch with mates when some chick joined us. While walking to the car afterwards she remarked, “I dunno why my upper leg seems to be itching after that meal.” I responded, “Maybe it’s awoof (i.e. gratis meal)”.
b. Neighbour (dude who had accused me of u know what with his chick) parked his ride behind Parminder so banged on his door as needed to get to the club on time. While searching in vain for his car keys he shouted out to chick in his room, “Have u seen my key? Check my shirt pocket.” And I muttered cheekily, “Nah, forget that, check ur bra.”

Contrast that with my recently-married mate who said she woke up one morning just bawling her eyes out for some reason she couldn’t tell anyone about. Her husband saw her in that state and said, “Honey, I don’t know what u going thru but when u ready to talk about it just know that I’ll be here.” Awwwwww. U see that’s the kinda stuff I need to learn to say! If this marriage thang will make me more sensitive (and less jokey) about emotions then I’m all for it. If I found myself in a similar situation now I’d probably say, “Babes/Munchkin/Bingo/(insert fav term of endearment), I KNOW precisely what u are going thru. U crying ‘cos u miss seeing my world famous six-pack, huh?” Yes, I know I can be a retard sometimes.

Okay, back from digression. Yeah, I put myself in Kinzo’s shoes and wondered what it’d be like if I had to tell one of my gal pals with a thang for me I was getting married. Yeah, this coming from a guy who’d rather wait for ex’s to get into new relationships b4 commencing on one himself so he’d feel less guilty. Lol…..yeah, that was the ol’ Tunde. New Tunde still cares about ex’s feelings, but would still go ahead with a new relationship if he felt comfortable with the new girl. Anyways, when the time comes that I have to do the Kinzo thang I’ve already got plans down to a tee. First, I’d psych myself up with songs such as Boyz II Men’s End of the road, Chris Brown’s Say Goodbye, Donnell Jones’ Where I Wanna Be, Ralph Tresvant’s Do What I Gotta Do, The Manhattans’ Let’s just kiss and say goodbye, etc. Then, after insuring my property and writing a will I’ll arrange to meet all the interested parties at the same time, same venue, same day. That way if anyone gets angry I’d admonish them, “Why are u angry? The girl beside u is better looking than u and is still composed. What’s ur problem?” Man, I kill myself.

There’s an ex who relates all her life experiences in movie terms and another who goes about on a world tour of idle conversation b4 getting to her point. Now those would be the most interesting to have the Kinzo talk with. I can imagine telling the former I’m getting married and her saying she’s okay with it. Then, on the eve of my wedding she’d show up with a basketball asking us to play one-on-one (a la Love & Basketball). Then I’d have to let her down easy by stating the obvious: “Babes, I hate to tell u this, but neither of us play basketball.”

Okay I know I’d not be facetious with such a sensitive matter as heartache and I apologize if any of y’all reading this is going thru something of that nature. Guess I chose to take a humorous look at heartache ‘cos I called a mate of mine in the ATL last night and unexpectedly she confessed one of her regrets was not embarking on a relationship with me – she’s 6 years older than moi and always teased me about our age difference – and she finally realized how strong her feelings were when I called her last year and told her about the girl I was seeing. Woah, how does one respond to that? I mean no jokes suffice. I felt awful ‘cos there was nada I’d do to ease her pain. Old Tunde woulda make promises about getting together in the future, but new Tunde knows that could never happen and instead tried to make her feel better by saying something meaningful about life’s experiences and the like.

After the conversation I’d not for the life of me get why chicks act the way they do sometimes. There’s playing hard to get and there’s just being ridiculous. That’s why I don’t believe in the concept of The One ‘cos under different circumstances a person u’d never imagine going on a date with could be the person u’d wanna spend the rest of ur life with. Okay, such drastic mind change is usually accompanied by copious quantities of alcohol, but u catch my drift, right? C’mon, if there’s really The One how come folk in relationships always have so much in common yet after they break up they realise what they had in common was nada to scream about in the first place. Oh, he was born on October 15th and my grandfather’s best friend’s PA was born on October 15th; He has a third nipple, and I always wanted a third nipple; etc. Lol….guess that’s what happens, u wanna make stuff work. Thinking about it, I’ve been out with a number of chicks by sheer chance, i.e. if another chick had played her cards right I might have gone out with them instead. I remember one when I initially fancied her mate but since I hung out with ex more I decided to give it a go. Hence, why the whole concept of The One - (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) - still stumps me.

On a serious note the chick in the ATL was what I thot I was looking for at that time in my life and who knows maybe if she’d taken a chance Chief would be concentrating all his efforts on Ayo instead of moi to get hitched. Life, eh?

Lagos news: Yeah, while in Lagos I attended a mate’s book reading and discovered another mate’s written a book as well. ‘Cos of the literary groupies – u’da seen my mate’s book reading, the girls were practically throwing their page markers at him - I’ve decided to explore the concept of writing a book as well. When I get off my lazy, albeit cute, butt and do the, er, book concept exploring thingy I’ll let y’all know. In the meantime I’ve come up with an idea to create a buzz for myself and the yet to be written or thought of yet-to-be-released book. Plan to sneak into all prominent bookshops in Lagos and paste my name on all, yes ALL, the book covers with links to a website that updates daily with pixels of my six-pack. Kinda like a jigsaw puzzle. Y’all wanna help out? I promise y’all a share of the profits when I sell the movie rights to the book.

Speaking of movies did y’all watch The Oscars? Man, that sucked bad…real bad. Ouch. Ellen Degeneres was a worse host than David Letterman. Bring back Billy Crystal or Chris Rock. What made it worse was I watched it with neighbour who was like Sista Soldier. When Eddie Murphy didn’t win for Best Supporting Actor she hollered and hollered about racism in Hollywood and how “they throw us (black people) a bone every now and then to keep us happy.” Peter O’Toole, Martin Scorcese and Al Pacino look black to u lady? Can’t blame her though, not when Eddie complained about there being no good roles for black folk in Hollywood. Yeah, it might be true but didn’t hear Eddie complaining when he was churning out hit movie after hit movie in the 80s and 90s.

Man, the show reeeeeaaalllllyyyy sucked, I can’t believe I’m not getting those 3 hours of my life back. Even the ultimate fox Helen Mirren had a speech that wasn’t memorable. Almost like she knew she’d win. Saw The Queen in Lagos and must say I dunno what she did that deserved the Oscar. Guess the other Best Actress nominees musta been awful in their movies.

U know how those Oscar hopefuls say, “it’s just enuff to be nominated?” How I wish a presenter would call out someone else’s name as a winner and half way into their “oh I so don’t deserve this” acceptance speech the presenter interrupts them and confesses, “Sorry, I made a mistake, u are right about not deserving the award. The actual winner is….”. Now that would be memorable.

Even more still don’t get why successful actors/directors, etc have to read out those lame lines/jokes written out for them on the teleprompter. U are famous and crazy wealthy u don’t need to pander to ur colleagues with some crap joke.

Last random thought about the Oscars: Tom Cruise definitely had a brain fart when he dumped Nicole Kidman. Man, that woman’s stunning. She’d wear a paper bag and still be stunning. She’s the only woman I’d leave Angelina for.

On another note, I met with the programme coordinator for a new indigenous cable station about getting my TV show concept out on the airwaves. Still waiting to hear from him, but promise to keep y’all informed…….if u play nice.

PH news: Y’all remember that Ashawo don get belle song I told y’all I heard in PH? Well, now I know the name of the ashawo in question. Another song - this is turning into Nigeria’s version of R.Kelly’s Trapped in Da Closet series - heard last week goes, Caro Caro, make u leave ashawo. Ashawo no good o…. Lol…I wonder what will happen in next instalment of the Ashawo series? Caro contracting AIDS perhaps?

Speaking of which, saw a music video on terrestrial TV by some middle-aged lady singing, AIDS, I don’t want u/ AIDS u are looking for my trouble/ AIDS, if u keep this up I’ll be forced to give u karate (sic)…. and so on and so forth. After watching that video a number of questions arose: Who in goodness name signed this lady to a record contract? How much would one pay folk to star in such a video? I think the problem’s not with the singer, it’s with the folk in the video with her. At what point do they say, “U know what? I don’t care how much u paying me but I can’t do this anymore. This song swallows big time….”

Y’all seen the new naira notes? Cool, huh? That said I don’t get why folk in PH are so crazy about getting the new notes, it ain’t like the old ones are no longer legal tender. Peep this: Mate of mine who works in a bank said the day her bank began issuing out the new notes folk queued for hours and some without much in their accounts wrote out cheques for meagre sums just to get to handle the new notes. If that ain’t bad enuff she said she took an okada ride that would normally cost 100 naira, but paid dude only 20 ‘cos she brandished the new 20 naira bill. Yup, this finally explains why we elect punk ass leaders.

Finally got off my lazy cute butt and attended a church in PH. However, didn’t get up when they made the perfunctory call for new visitors. Why? ‘Cos, well, not sure if that’ll be my permanent church in PH so it’d be weird filling their visitor’s form and getting a call from them. Had an experience in the ATL where folk almost assumed that visiting their church meant I was ready to be a member. Lol…started avoiding their calls after a while.
Besides when the folk in PH made the call for visitors, what popped into my head was, “Hmmm, first time visitors to churches usually get some refreshment after service. Wouldn’t be a lovely grift if some dude spent every Sunday visiting different churches just so he’d not have to cook Sunday lunch?” Now y’all see why I need help?

When I got home I thanked the Lord for His understanding and being patient with me especially as I recalled the stupid explanations I gave for spending my Sunday mornings in PH waxing Parminder.

God: Tunde my son, so why aren’t u in church today? I remember u said u’d go to church after u got ur ride in PH. So now ur ride’s here, what’s ur excuse?
Tunde: Er, er, well, You know I don’t know any churches in PH and besides….

(Then the neighbours upstairs started fellowship…)

God: Yes my son, u were saying?
Tunde: Er, er, well, You know I don’t really know the folk upstairs and….
God: Oh I see. U don’t know them well enuff to go fellowship with them – as if they’d drive u away – but when dude recently got married u knew them well enuff to partake of their food….

Later that day while driving shiny Parminder I saw folk queuing up for petrol and thought, “Hmmm, Lord, now that would be a great idea: a mobile church, i.e. preaching to folk in petrol queues….” Lol…again I thank God for His patience. Tot ziens and God bless.

Ms. May, pretty and thoughtful as well. Only one who took my presidential campaign serious enuff. So whatever position u want when I am president - Ambassador to Macon, perhaps? - it’s urs. Shall post answers to ur questions in next blog.

To the rest of y’all, I’m taking this presidential campaign stuff so serious my advisers and I – okay there’s just me and the local vulcaniser for now – have come up with a tentative catchphrase. Vote Tunde, ur candidate with experience at the poles/polls (pick one)… wink wink

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Wankuru wankuru

Hola peeps. Estoy enojado. It’s 2230hrs (on Monday 12th March) and I just woke up so there’s no zzzzzzzzzzz for a while even though I gotta be at the poles in my g-string at the crack (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) of dawn tomorrow. Cannot occupy myself with watching cable ’cos dude who’da installed the cable had multiple appointments, but didn’t tell me and issued the usual “Of course oga, I fit do am no problem” line. Cannot watch TV ‘cos there are only 2 terrestrial TV channels in PH and both are crap; besides there’s no power and dude who’da fixed cable used up all the petrol in the generator “testing” the newly installed air conditioners.

Even worse I’m cazy broke right now and ‘mate’ who owes me a tidy sum is avoiding me like the plague. That’ll teach me. After last experience with other debtor-mate I promised myself I wouldn’t lend out huge sums again, but this current debtor lives in PH and works for an oil company so reckoned if there’s anyone who’d pay back it’d him. Boy was I wrong. Dude shoulda paid me bucks 2 months ago, but nada materialized. A fortnight ago, I called him outta the blue to ask for my moolah and dude promised to pay it into my account last week. As if. Most disturbing part of this was I later discovered after our conversation dude called his cuz – who’s a neighbour of mine – and railed on him for informing me he was on his way outta town. Ha. His cuz didn’t let on to that fact, it was plain coincidence I called when I did.

So what am I gonna do about it? Short of biting my lip and praying he pays? Nada. U see I have never felt comfortable asking debtors for money. One’d expect a reasonable fellow would pay when due, or inform you if he’s having problems footing the amount. But never seem to have “reasonable” mates who wanna borrow money. Most times when it’s time to ask for money owed it’s almost as if we conducting a drug deal.

Tunde (with shaggy goatee, glancing nervously from side to side): So, er, u have my stuff?
Debtor/Pusher (obviously pissed): LOOK, SEE ME AT END OF THE MONTH. QUITE BUSY NOW.

Me thinks some assertiveness classes might come in useful if I decide to carry on in my Santa Claus ways. Ha. While talking to a colleague about it dude said he used to have a similar problem and things came to a head when dude he lent money began offering him financial advice. “What do u mean u need the money u lent to me? Sure, we agreed I’d pay u today but I don’t have it. What, u need the money urgently to sort out ur car? Then u’d learn to budget for these things. U see money is like a woman…….” Lol…dontcha just hate folk like that? Anyways, dude said after that encounter with that unscrupulous ‘friend’ he decided to become gruff about collecting on loans. He illustrated this a few days later by calling a debtor on the phone.

“Hello. How far? Isn’t today the 14th on ur calendar? So how come the money’s not in my account? U don’t wanna get me pissed….” It wasn’t ‘til dude on the other end promised to pay did his tone revert to a congenial one. Took tips and plan to confront my Moby Dick(head) tomorrow, ‘cos just heard – yup his cuz spilled the beans this time – he’s back in town. Shall keep y’all informed.

So how y’all been doing? Been reminiscing on stay in Lagos and wish I’d spent more time with mom while there. Problem is we were hardly at home at the same time, and the power situation – the generator was on the fritz – in Lagos that week was as bad as PH. Man, it sucks.

The election’s coming up and the ruling PDP keeps promising to provide power, good roads, etc. Dudes had eight years to get their act together, but did nada but waste our funds. The rest of the jokers that call themselves the opposition can’t offer a coherent message on how they hope to tackle the salient issues affecting the masses. Some dude chimed on TV, while holding a broom, “If u elect me governor I’ll continue the good work of my predecessor. Right now, there are modern fire-fighting trucks at the ports. If elected this state shall be equipped to fight fire. I shall empower the police…..” Sure, sure buddy. So what happens if u lose the election? Do u send the fire trucks back to the folk u leased them from? If not, can one rent them for a music video I plan to shoot? That’s right y’all, 20” rims are so early 2Gs, we talking 30” and above in the 2G7.

Everyday I lose more respect for the politicians in this country. Another gubernatorial candidate, who looks as if he was awoken from a deep slumber to run in the race, professes to have a 5-point agenda for transforming his state. Five-point rhetoric more like. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for the peeps around him I’da sworn dude’s movements were orchestrated by strings tied around his appendages. Dude also professes to “continue the good work of his predecessor”. Er, sorry to interrupt u sir, but ur predecessor’s reign was notorious for erratic power supply, even with a much ballyhooed independent power plant (IPP) project, and vast looting of public funds. If I were u I’d stick to the vacuous 5-point agenda and end it there.

Funniest political sight of the week? The poster of a gubernatorial candidate in Delta State pasted in PH, Rivers State. I have heard of campaigning far and wide, but this is ridiculous.

Political story of the week? News of Yar’Adua’s death. Man, Nigerians can sure tell tall tales. Lol…saddest thang is everyone claimed to be an authority on the goings-on. “Dude, my uncle’s best friend is based in Germany and dude conducted the autopsy. I swear he’s dead”; “My father’s gay brother works in the Presidency and just informed me dude’s dead”; etc. In a move reminiscent of Fidel Castro Yar’Adua immediately gave an interview to a foreign news agency debunking the story. Obviously, he couldn’t trust the NTA – Africa’s largest news network – to disseminate the story without bungling it.

Best thang about this rumour is it brought to light the furtive proviso in the electoral act that allows the presidential election to be postponed should one of the candidates kick the bucket (probably filled to the brim with cash). The Senate’s working to amend this and must give Ken Nnamani his props for the way he’s transformed the reputation of the Senate from a rubber-stamping institution to one of integrity. However, in case the Senate decides to bungle the amendment I’ve already commenced writing a script for a Nollywood movie based on the aforementioned electoral act. I already have a title, 25. It’s gonna be Nigeria’s version of 24. Here, our hero, Jack Bawala, works for an overt government agency called the EACC (Electoral Act Crimes Commission) and dude has, er, only 25 hours to defend the life of all the presidential candidates……even though they campaigning in different parts of the country……and the airline operators are on strike……and the rail and road network is as is. At the end of the movie Bawala dies after being assaulted by Area boys while stuck in traffic on Akpongban bridge, Lagos – this occurred during the first 3 hours of his day. The movie’s billed as a love story.

Bloggers of the world, if y’all like me are tired of the same ol’ same ol’ (positively geriatric) political landscape in Nigeria it’s time to heed the clarion call and work for the betterment – yes, it’s a word…..I checked – of Nigeria, nah Africa as a whole, by promoting a candidate with attributes that all the world can be proud of. Since no one in the forthcoming elections is up to scratch I say we mould someone who in 4 years time will be able to stand head and shoulders above all and shall take this country by its bootstraps and lift us out of the quicksand of malaise, poverty and despair. Yes, I am talking about none other than…….drum roll please……….wait for it………..the excitement in the air is electric, huh?

Okay, stop sniggering and follow me for a minute, or two, or three. Y’all know all my secrets so there’s no chance of stuff coming outta the woodwork and biting us (see, I used the ‘U’ word) on the arse. Doesn’t Nigeria deserve a president who cares for the people? I CARE. Doesn’t Nigeria deserve a president who has seen and experienced the suffering of the people? I SEE…and er, EXPERIENCE (?) Most of all, doesn’t Nigeria deserve a president with a diamond (conflict-free, of course) stud in his earlobe, who looks amazing in a suit or traditional attire, greets everyone congenially with “Wassssssssssssuuuuuupppp”, and beat-boxes with his mouth when the Nigerian national anthem’s played? Come with me bloggers, let’s join hands and elect Tunde, a man who can take this country to greater heights while having a ball in the process. It’s high time we showed this country the power us bloggers have in our hands at the tip of our fingertips.

To prove I am for real I welcome questions from all and sundry on how I’d deal with the social ills pervading our country. I promise to keep my answers concise and best of all, serious. Tot ziens and God bless.

Thought not gonna vote in the forthcoming elections I’m loving the election fever, okay more like fear, sweeping the nation. Folk are genuinely scared the proverbial will hit the fan on election day. Moi? Not bothered ‘cos ever since I began pumping iron religiously I kinda feel I can take on anybody in a fight. Lol…..I know it’s stupid but that’s the way the mind of Tunde works sometimes. Woulda put that to the test in traffic yesterday but recently had a manicure and didnn’t wanna mess up my oh so cute nails. Besides, the lady, a septuagenarian, apologized profusely after I grabbed her by her wrapper. That’ll teach her to cross the road without looking left, right and left again.

One more thang, when I am president I am gonna pardon my debtors………after I get a pound of flesh……literally. All service folk like mechanics that took me for a ride (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) are gonna get their comeuppance – I still have the receipts. Yeah, let’s not forget the policemen and LASTMA guys that made up trumped-up charges against me. There’s also that bully from primary school! Oh she is gonna pay. Yes, it was a she, y’all got a problem with that? Just so u know she was real huge…and er, er, had bad breath….and hairy chest…and er, er, shot fire from her nostrils and er ….

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, March 12, 2007

Jimmy go soul, Jimmy got soul, Jimmy got, Jimmy got, Jimmy got soul

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo usted está haciendo? Moi? Muy mal. ¿Usted sabe por qué? Just discovered I won’t be able to make it for Kinzo’s wedding ‘cos gonna be on some exotic dancers symposium in The Netherlands then, and cannot skip it ’cos I’m the keynote speaker. Damn. Yup, gonna have to be one of those folk who watch recordings of weddings…..and I hate those folk. Honestly, I mean which sane non-middle-aged person likes watching videos of weddings anyways? Oh well, guess I know how they feel now. Bummer.

Saddest thang about this is I’ve been practising a new dance step for the couple and now not gonna be able to surprise them by coming outta a massive wedding cake. U seen the video for Akon’s I Wanna Love You? Remember that sequence when the chicks bump out their chests? Memorable, huh? Yeah, that was what I was gonna do. I was gonna have my chest waxed, hook up some nipple tassles, and……hold on why am I giving y’all great wedding gift ideas? Anyways, also discovered Ayo’s moving back to the country in August so gonna have one older bro replaced by another only slightly older bro – Ayo was born exactly five months before moi. Ayo’s gonna feel positively ancient at the NYSC camp. Lol…and I thought I was the oldest NYSC member ever. If I’m honest dude would probably enjoy the camp ‘cos of the number of women there who’d fall for a recently returned Jand boy. Best thang about this news is Chief would have someone else to pick on concerning marriage. The Lord is good.

Gonna miss Kinzo ‘cos dude’s heckuva fun. Worse, his absence from the family crib means I’m gonna have to start a collection of pocket-squares as I always borrowed from the dude when I needed crazy colors like fuchsia. Oh well. Yeah, also discovered one of Kinzo’s ‘girls’ actually drove past the venue during his introduction, as if to confirm that dude’s really getting hitched. Woah, seems eligible bachelors in Nigeria are getting rarer each day. The good thang about this marriage is Kinzo doesn’t see the need to offer any apologies to his ‘girls’. Hear him: “None of the other chicks can come out and say I jilted them ‘cos I wasn’t in a relationship with any of them. Yup, they were all my girlfriends at one time or the other, but b4 I made my decision on whom to marry they were just my ‘girls’ and I never lied to them. They all knew I had other girls and I’d told them by mid 2006 that I’d make up my mind in December 2006 who I was gonna end up with. Just so happens that the one I chose was the one that I felt the most for. U see once u have ur game tight ain’t no need to lie to women….” Preach on bro. U just read an excerpt from the gospel according to Kinzo. Ha.

Man, being in PH makes me miss the goings-on at the Lagos crib. Turns out that after Kinzo make his proclamation in June 2006 his ‘girls’ started reaching out to their ‘Kinzo insider’ on best way to capture Kinzo’s heart. Miss B contacted my next door neighbour; Miss C contacted my sis in the UK; Miss L contacted my younger siblings and Kinzo’s mom; Miss E tried to hook me up with a friend of hers. Problem was by the time I eventually met her friend December had come around and Kinzo had settled for the most recent Kinzo ‘girl’, Miss D. And y’all thought I was cruel when I gave Kinzo the nom de plume Lagos Lottery (aka E fit be u o.)

Just got back to PH after spending 10 days in Lagos and plan there was to have some R&R away from the vagaries of PH life, i.e. lack of power supply, but couldn’t manage that ‘cos hardly spent a day at home. There was always someone to see, something to do, some weed to smoke. That’s why this blog entry’s arriving a few weeks late. So what did I get up to in Lagos? A li’l bit of this and that. But first, I need to get stuff off my (F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S) chest.

Arsenal got knocked outta the Champions League on Wednesday so our their season’s officially over. Does the team need an overhaul? Dunno. All I know is it was rather convenient for Henry to start limping after we they conceded the goal to PSV. Torn stomach muscles my arse. Would Stevie G ever do that? I don’t think so. Lol…okay I’m being cruel.
Hleb was his usual beautiful dribbles and end up passing to the opposition shtick, dude’s actually regressed from last season; Adebayor….let’s not even mention his no-ball control behind requesting for higher wages; Baptista had better start packing his bags back to Real Madrid; Fabregas’s nasty side is becoming more prevalent; and Arsene Wenger appears totally clueless on proper tactics to employ. Almost as if his head’s not in the game. Almost as if he’s having an affair or he’s being blackmailed by chick he had an affair with.
Watched the Arsenal-PSV game after donning my vintage Arsenal jersey; much good that did me. I’m just so worn out from supporting this team. While questioning the meaning of life after Arsenal’s latest loss felt God telling me I had no right to criticize Arsenal since I do worse on my job.

Tunde: Lord, what do u mean by that?
God: What if a TV camera was focused on u during work hours? Would every hour spent be fruitful? Would ur boss be pleased with the amount of email and web surfing u engage in? U see that’s akin to what these footballers go thru. They cannot have great games all the time.
Tunde: But they get paid gazillions! If I got paid half of what they earn I’d be fired up for each game.
God: Didn’t u say something similar b4 I gave u ur present job?
Tunde: Well, er, er, that’s different….and okay I give in, I get Your point. But why do I have to hurt so? ‘Cos Arsenal play such attractive football the fans at the stadia are never gonna boo them so Arsene’s never gonna come under much pressure. I just wish there was a way the players could feel my pain, then they’d know not to mess about next time.
God: U think they are not hurting even more than u?
Tunde: I doubt it. U see, watching their season collapse is crazy painful. Even more painful that every other person one meets now claims to be an Arsenal ‘fan’. Fan indeed. How do I explain to them that I was a Gooner back in the Bruce Rioch days ‘cos I loved the way Dennis Bergkamp played? Most of the so-called fans can’t recall Paul Merson (b4 the wife beating), a young John Hartson (b4 the kebab eating), etc. They probably supported Arsenal after Kanu joined them.
God: And ur point is?
Tunde: Lol…come to think of it, I don’t think I have one. Just hoping, nah praying, next season’s different.
God: Guess u gonna have to wait and see.

Okay here’s what I got up to in Lagos. Nah, first big congrats go to two of my fav women who recently obtained admission into grad schools of their choice. Gonna miss u both big time. Remember to carry these Tunde words of advice with you:

1. Always keep God first.
2. Remember the good homes u come from and always try to adhere to what ur folks tell u……except when it concerns dating. Interracial dating/marriage is off da hinges y’all! Too many advantages to list here, but most important is if y’all ever get into an argument, u’d always play the U don’t know how hard it is being an African woman in this day and age card and end up getting ur way.
3. I know y’all gonna be studying in the States, but do remember to pass by the UK on ur way home ‘cos ur bestest mate Tunde can never have enuff Milky Bar chocs and Haribo sour sweets.

So where was I? Yes, Lagos. Wait, b4 we get there I must remember to tell y’all about some chat I had with a close friend. Was telling her about female trouble I was having and she said something about me that was quite insightful.

(Babes, if u reading this (and I know u are) Domo arigato from the bottom of my heart. If u ever need someone to give a beatdown to that guy who’s messing u about u know who to call. Er, if u thinking of calling me, u do know I just had a manicure and pedicure and wouldn’t wanna mess up all of this fineness, right? Good. See why I love thee? Ha.)

So what she said was: Tunde, u great to be around and always make me laff and I’m sure any woman lucky enuff to end up with u will have a blast. Problem is I doubt if anyone knows the real YOU. U joke about everything and never let anyone in, like u afraid to let anyone get close to u. Have u also noticed u don’t hold anyone’s gaze for too long either? U know the eyes are the window to the soul……

Man, that struck a chord. No one’s ever got me like that before. True to form, after she uttered/typed (isn’t Instant Messenger the best thang since sliced bread garri, groundnuts, sugar, a smidgen of salt, and cold water?) the ‘eyes are the window to the soul’ line I almost responded with, “so if eyes are the window to the soul, then are my new top of the range sunglasses fahhbulouzzz (pronounced with a lisp) window dressing?” but realized that was not the moment for that. U see, I can be sensitive as well…….let’s change that to senthitivvvveee (pronounced with a lisp). Lol….man, I kill myself.

‘Cos of what she said I made a conscious decision to observe myself during time in Lagos and mate was right on the money. I found myself gazing away when folk were discussing ‘serious’ stuff, especially matters of the heart. If u reading this and I’ve done this to u I apologize, it ain’t like I don’t care, it’s just that, well, u know…….

Also made a conscious effort to be more open, and it’s working a treat. For instance, I discovered there was some stuff I do absentmindedly that bugs a mate of mine and I’ve curbed that. If I hadn’t opened up she wouldn’t have shared that with me and would most likely have sticking pins into a miniaturized version of me as I type this.

Yeah, speaking of the eyes being window to the soul thang, I was dancing with this chick at a bbq in PH some weeks back and she was one of those chicks who like to mime song lyrics and look into ur eyes while dancing. C’mon everyone’s had those sorta dance partners….anyways while dancing I kept thinking, “How come I always choose the girls who wanna look into one’s eyes? U lucky u a good dancer else I’d make my excuses and attempt to strike up another conversation with the girl over there that blew me off earlier…..” Lol. Forget UniPort RSUST (Rivers State University of Science and Technology) is da higher institution that has PH’s finest girls, or so it seems from the gallery of chicks at the bbq. The bbq was aiight….well, if u ignore the fact that the bbqed meat was tough to chew, the muscle top I wore was so tight it cut off all circulation and I nearly fainted, and chick I gave my number to turned out to be a serial flasher/beeper. That’ll teach me to do the sympathy number exchange thang – mate was interested in her friend so had to play the wingman.

Man, I can’t stand serial flashers, especially when flasher has nada of significance to say. Do u know after I didn’t respond to her beeps this chick sent a text message: Don’t u know when someone flashes u repeatedly it means u’d call them? Imagine the gall. Last year I’da called after repeated beeps, but 2007 is my year of not responding to serial flashers. A colleague of mine said it best, “I don’t get this nephew of mine who always flashes me. Anytime I return his calls he asks for money. How much would it cost him to send me a text message asking me to call him?” Time I knew this flashing thang’s gone haywire is when I saw an ad for a prayer request line. SMS or call if u need someone to pray with u. No flashing please. No pick and drop calls too. Lol…2007: The year of deliverance from flashing.

Yeah, y’all remember the last sympathy call I made? That Itsekiri chick my dad’s mate tried to hook me up with? Good, thanks for keeping up. Anyways, dunno if the chick’s been complaining to the guy that I don’t seem interested in her, but dude’s been dropping not so subtle hints about this. Called the dude while in Lagos and he asked about the chick. “Oh, we talk now and then, sir” I responded.

Dad’s mate: I see, so why don’t u invite her to visit u in PH?
Tunde: Lol….no sir, that won’t be necessary.
Dad’s mate: C’mon, it’s only in this part of the world we attach meaning to stuff like that. I’m not asking u to marry her, just invite her over for a few days.
Tunde: No sir, it wouldn’t be right.

A few days later, after strategizing dude calls back. ”Are u still in Lagos? U are? Good. Why don’t u stop by her office to say hi? C’mon, stop by. I’m not asking u to marry her, just stop by. Please, please, please stop by. Please, please….” I’d to say, “Yes, I’d try”, to stop the dude from continuing his James Brown impersonation. I don’t get what the dude’s interest in this chick is. Does she have dirty pictures of him? Is she threatening to expose them unless dude hooks her up with a man? Am I just one of many dudes he’s got lined up for her? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Danger Mouse…. Lol…

Just in case y’all are interested I didn’t stop by the chick’s office. Had too many people to see, too many things to do, too many blunts of weed to smoke. Tot ziens and God bless.

Almost forgot to tell y’all what I got up to in Lagos. Had a manicure and pedicure, visited the dentist, saw my mom’s mate who used to be my guardian back at FGC Warri. Dunno if it’s the weed but couldn’t recall most of the stories she told. Or maybe I was too embarrassed by them I’ve chosen not to remember.
Also gorged myself on movies at the local cinema. When I told a friend in PH about this, she responded, “Haba. Nobody goes to the cinema again o. Why don’t u just buy bootleg copies of the movies? I know this lady in Lagos who sells clear copies of movies. I tried to buy The Devil Wears Prada from her the other day, she wouldn’t sell it ‘cos it wasn’t top quality. Now that’s what I call integrity.” Yup, integrity from a woman that sells pirated movies.

The movies I saw (and the order I saw them in) were: The Last King Of Scotland, Rocky Balboa, Blood Diamond, Dreamgirls.

The Last King Of Scotland: The movie’s about a Scottish doctor who flies to Uganda to help out in a rural hospital, but ends up being Idi Amin’s personal physician. That’s the “official” version of the movie from its producers. Wanna know the deallie? The movie’s actually about a Scottish doctor who flies to Uganda to help out in a rural hospital…….and sleep with every female he can get his hands on. Female passenger on the bus? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her. Senior doctor’s wife? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her while doctor’s out saving lives. Idi Amin’s third wife? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her while the fat bastard’s out doing whatever fat bastard dictators do. Nanny goat grazing on the hill? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her, while the billy goat’s getting slaughtered……. Y’all catch my drift?

Rocky Balboa: Was thoroughly impressed with this movie, as the rest of the audience was. U’d feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise when the Rocky theme song started playing. Sports Guy was right about the movie taking a while to get going, but I didn’t mind. Impressed that Stallone still has his writing/directing chops after the debacle that was Driven. Apart from the opening scene Antonio Tarver didn’t do too badly in his movie debut. Everyone brought their A game to the table and loved every minute of this movie.
The Rocky franchise holds too many memories man. First saw Rocky IV at the crib of my first crush, Feyi Fasan, and loved the movie ever since. Even copped the movie soundtrack – classic 80s rock - a few years ago. Yo, if y’all wanna get me a birthday present in October the ROCKY boxset – the original boxset (i.e. non bootlegged version with stills from Rocky, Rambo, and other Stallone movies on the DVD cover) – wouldn’t go amiss. Now that’s a present worth proposing to a girl over. Yes, son, I knew ur mother was The One I wanted to spend the rest of my life with after she handed me that Rocky boxset on Valentine’s Day. Ha. Er, Temmy Tayo, please don’t get any ideas. Ayo’s not a Rocky fan. Capisci?

Blood Diamond: Long movie, but so action packed u wouldn’t mind its length. Not like that putrid DiCaprio vehicle Titanic; man, that movie was loooooooooooooooooong and crrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaap. Okay back to Blood Diamond. Two things of note: One, the movie confirmed that Edward Zwick can’t seem to make a 2-hr movie. Glory, Legends of the Fall, The Last Samurai; only The Siege’s kinda short. Two, while watching the movie I couldn’t help thinking, “I love this movie, but I wish they had chosen another title. Blood Diamond sounds like a Nollywood movie title. I can just imagine the premise. Rare diamond that emits blood when squeezed hard. Once the blood gets in contact with one’s skin one is transmogrified into a hammy actor playing a zombie. In Blood Diamond 2 – u know there’s gotta be a sequel! - an even rarer gem performs same function as gem in prequel, but this time hammy actors are also turned into albinos.

Dreamgirls: Had planned to see this on day I saw Rocky Balboa, but plans changed.

Mate and wife: So what are our options?
Tunde: Dreamgirls and Rocky Balboa.
Mate and wife (*doing the newlywed couple thang where they speak at same time*): Hmmm, the Rocky franchise is played out no matter what people say. What’s Dreamgirls about?
Tunde: It’s about this 60s girl group…based on the story of Diana Ross and The Supremes. It stars Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy, Beyonce…
Mate and wife (*doing the newlywed couple thang where they scream at same time*): BEYONCE?! Heck no, let’s buy tickets to see Rocky Balboa.

Eventually got to see the late showing of Dreamgirls and missed about 15 mins of the movie when I had to hook up with some friends half way into it. Loved the way the movie was paced, and some of the songs were incredible. Jennifer Hudson’s performance was outta this world. I mean I’d read all the positive reviews about her acting, but she was amazing. Utterly breathtaking. A most unexpected surprise was Beyonce’s acting; very impressive. She actually got Diana Ross’s onstage mannerisms down to a tee. Of all the movies mentioned it’s the one I’d readily see again.

Stay tuned for the next exciting blog of……

Comments-[ comments.]