Tuesday, October 09, 2012

So I Married An Axe Murderer

Hola peeps. Lo siento, he estado ocupado.

Julio here. That bozo Tunde’s been extra lazy of late so guess who’s gotta pick up the slack. I’d have a large ‘SOTA’ (Saviour of Tunde’s Arse) tattooed on my chest so everyone gets the message. And how will all get the message y’all ask? ‘Cos I have been working out extra loads peeps, and I plan to walk around shirtless EVERYWHERE I go. Have you seen Magic Mike? I can no longer take for granted that bored housewives would come over to my club just ‘cos I run Nigeria’s hottest underground strip club. That Magic Mike movie’s gonna make them want more. Punk Channing Tatum’s ruined my easy-as-Sunday morning lifestyle. Kinda reminds me of Ugandan mate from Bradford that threw a party to celebrate Craig David’s absence from the charts. “Man, white girls used to dig me…..remember the time we went to Newcastle and all those white chicks were after me? Soon as Craig David showed up on their TVs they realized good-looking black guys existed, and my mojo only worked on bottom of the barrel white chicks with acne problems and body odour. Damn Craig David!!!”

So what’s been happening with y’all? Tunde’s daughter Leia – yup the loser named her after the Star Wars character – is 8 months old but the punk still hasn’t invited me over to see her. He even made that crapfest Miguel her godfather. I have known this dude practically his whole life, don’t I count?! No worries, I have ways of getting him back…well I tried to get him on tape to admit his true feelings but dude deftly parried away all my attempts. Could it be an inchoate other-non-baby-gender-predicting clairvoyance of Prophet Joe…or maybe I am just high on alabukun again?

You see a few of us guys chose to go for drinks and out of the blue someone started complaining about his missus. It was then I turned on the tape recorder in my failed attempt to entrap Tunde…

Married man 1: Dudes, I don’t know why in heck I got married. I swear I almost hit my wife yesterday. She gets on my last nerve.
MM2: U just been married 6 months, right? Ha. Welcome to the club.
MM1: Screw the club man. I wanna end this marriage. Do you know what she called me during our argument? A friggin’ sperm donor! Yup, the woman I chose above others feels the best way to insult me is to call me a sperm donor and insist she can make do on her own with our unborn child.
Julio: (*thinking to himself…forget SOTA I’d get Sperm Donor inked on my chest…*) Woah, I didn’t know it was that bad. Tunde, ain’t u gonna contribute to this lively discussion?
Tunde: Er, no. Woah, is that the time? Gotta leave soon guys, my exeat’s almost up.
Julio: Ha ha ha. U wuss u! U remind me of my mate Alaye. Since he got married dude hardly leaves the house, his wife controls EVERYTHING.
MM1: I don’t blame the poor dude, maybe he does that just to keep the peace. I swear I can’t do anything right. I swear I married the devil!
Julio: Come on dude, that’s harsh…
MM2: Harsh? ‘Cos u ain’t married that’s why u say that. Women were created to get on our last nerve. A mate that dated his wife for 6 years before they got hitched still reckons his wife hid her true self from him until they got married. He confessed to me, “my wife LURED me into marriage pretending she was peace-loving and all that while we dated. Soon as we got married her true colours were revealed. I’da known something was off when this woman that shops at Primark asked for a wedding ring from Cartier.”
No one knows this but in the first 6 months of my marriage my wife moved out twice. The second time a part of me prayed she wouldn’t return.
Julio: Woah. And u guys keep convincing me to get married?!
Tunde: Hey, I have never encouraged u to get married!
Julio: Oh he now speaks?! So what do u have to say for urself then?
Tunde: My Prophet Joe sense is tingling so I know u are up to something. All I will say ON RECORD is what an older family friend told me ages ago, “Forget love dude, marry a woman whose worst won’t make you want to kill her.”
MM1: Hear, hear.
Julio: Hear, friggin’ hear? Is this a bar or the friggin’ British Parliament? Tunde, tell us more.
Tunde: I have said all I can say….well, that and for some reason since I have been married I have had this incredible urge to get a tattoo. I don’t know what of, just want one.

Julio: Hey Tunde, Harrison Ford called. He wants his midlife crisis back.
MM1: Ha. That’s a good one. U’d be on TV with ur talent, Strippers Got Talent would be make compelling TV.
MM2: U guys are newbies to the marriage game so u can’t hone ur instincts properly. Think of me as the Yoda to ur jedis in training. Tunde, you feel the way you feel because you already feel cocooned by marriage you want to break free and do something you wouldn’t normally do.
Julio: Whatevs man, Captain Feelings. I sincerely hope Tunde gets a tattoo. Hey dude, since u love doodle so much why don’t u get tattoo of doodle drops between bum and thighs so when u wear shorts peeps could think u pooped on urself? Ha.
Tunde: Screw u man. Here I am pouring my heart out and u cracking jokes? Now I know how it feels when I do that to peeps.
Julio: Hee hee hee. Look who’s on his period?
Tunde: U need spiritual help dude, not from the new ultra-hip churches but those old school white garment churches where they whup u with canes to drive demons away….or so I heard.
Julio: Yeah right. U know what would be even more fun? What if the tattooist inks you with a radioactive needle and u become Africa’s first superhero: Anti-Corruption Man! I can just picture you running around with Leia’s diapers over your trousers and smacking policemen at checkpoints and immigration officers at airports. Ha ha ha….man, I kill myself.
Tunde: Speaking of corrupt folk I met some Chinese dude on the R.I.G. and dude told me on his first trip to Nigeria the immigration officer he met gave him a Bible and then…wait for it……proceeded to solicit a bribe. Only in Nigeria.
Julio: Crazy, dude probably thought he was at church and wanted a donation. Brothers and sisters-uh…welcome to the International Church of Immigrants-uh…where we only accept offering in foreign currency-uh…whether u call it greenback-uh or green pastures-uh all I know-uh is I love to lay me down in some dollar notes-uh…
By the way nice attempt to change the topic of conversation. It ain’t gonna work dude.
Tunde: Don’t even go there, it was relevant. A nice segue-way if u please.
Julio: No, I am not Siamese if you please bruv. Just trying to liven up the dull ambience dude. U think I am comfortable with y’all sad married folk trading sob stories. Feel as out of place here as the time when as a kid I was startled awake in church and mistakenly blurted out Babalawo mo wa bebe loud enough for the Catholic priest to hear. My mom whupped me no end that day.

MM1: Are u guys done with ur bromance? I thought this was about my marital problems to start with?
MM2: Pay them no mind bro. I feel what u are going through, it’s tough man, real tough in the first few years. It’s only after my fifth year of marriage things begun to smoothen out.
MM1: 5 years?! I can’t wait that long man. U know that Chris Rock skit about sorta understanding why O.J. Simpson killed Nicole? Well since I have been married I don’t condone it but I understand why some men cheat on their wives or go out drinking all night just to avoid going home. I even understand why some men smack their wives. My mom will kill me if he gets wind of any of the things I just said, but it’s just a fact. What I don’t understand though is polygamy. Wanna tell me after all the stress one woman gives some dudes still choose to go get another wife?! Pure masochists man, that’s gotta be the only explanation.
Tunde: I feel you dude, even though I come from a polygamous home I get u. Guess they don’t make men like they used to.
MM2: U guys are just wusses. Wanna know what kept me going in those rough early years of my marriage?
Tunde: Jesus? Ur wedding vows? Ur kids?
MM2: I wish. My mistresses dude. I kid u not. They want nothing substantive from me and I feel the same about them. Whenever the missus starts her whining I leave the house, go for a drive to clear my head and end up at one of their cribs. I get fed, I watch a li’l TV, she LISTENS to my whining for a change and then sometimes …(adopts a dead-on Bill Clinton impersonation with facial mannerisms and all)… we have sexual relations. By the time I return home whatever the wife says goes in one ear and out the other.
Don’t get me wrong, extramarital ain’t all hunky dory. As it is with these things feelings sometimes get in the way. Time I knew I had to curb this was not when one of the girls told me she loved me, but when I became a pseudo-stalker on this particular cougar. I started acting all possessive and when I discovered she had another toyboy I went into depression for a while. ‘Til this day my wife thinks it’s her constant whining that stopped me from cheating; she wishes. It was her whining that drove me outside in the first place.

MM1: Woah. U were going through this, and u never once mentioned anything?! Not even a hint? And even worse u kept bugging me to get married. Man, if I had known then what I know now I never woulda gotten married.
Julio: Guess misery loves company. Ha ha ha. U guys are killing me! Oh man, can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. U guys just provided the answer to a question that’s stumped men for ages: How could songwriters such as Babyface, Brian McKnight, et al that capture the very essence of a man’s feeling for a woman in song end up divorced? Now I know. Thanks guys for clearing that up. I am never getting married, and I’ll dedicate the rest of my life to spreading the gospel of singledom.
Tunde: Actually forget what I said earlier about u needing spiritual help earlier. U need something more radical, like a burning bush experience.
MM2: Y’all are crazy. Look, that’s what worked for me, well, apart from the stalking part. I am not advocating y’all do the same. Just speaking truth here.
MM1: Thanks man, but I don’t think that’d work for me. First of all marriage has made me too lazy to think of juggling women. Secondly, I am a bad liar so my wife would instantly get wind of an affair and do a John Wayne Bobbitt to me while I am asleep. Don’t get me wrong I still think of other women, and now and then I wonder what life would be like if I married someone else - lately I have been fantasizing about this Hooters waitress I met in the States a few years ago – but then I quickly regain my senses and realize we’d still have issues. Might be different from what currently ails my wife and I, but there would be other reasons for arguments. Maybe I won’t be referred to as “sperm donor” but other hash words would be used.
Tunde: U know before I got married I used to think to myself how lucky my wife would be. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I am not one of those guys who have to go clubbing all the time, and most of all I am not a big foodie. Gimme some ijebu garri and groundnuts and I am good. What sorta woman wouldn’t like that, right? Right? Boy, did I have it sooooo wrong.
Met this older Maltese dude on the R.I.G. and asked him how long he had been married. “Twenty five years”, he said. Before I’d congratulate him on this impeccable feat he quickly blurted out, “…and in that time I have considered leaving her at least seven times!” Dude went on to relate how he once left home for four months as he couldn’t stand his wife’s whining and bitching anymore. “During that time whenever I’d call home she’d accuse me of having another woman and threatening to take all my money. Told her I didn’t care if she took everything, I just had to get out of the house. Funny thang is in all that time I never propositioned another woman, I just couldn’t stand the sight of my wife. Now I understood why hot women like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston have been ‘unlucky’ in love. Unlucky? Yeah right. The rest of the world can fantasize about them but the guys that live with them must see something we don’t. ”

MM1: Man, that Maltese dude must be married to my wife’s doppelganger. That’s exactly how I feel! What wouldn’t I give to be away from my wife for 4 months?
MM2: Me too. However, wanna know the interesting thing about all this? If our wives got together they would list twice as many faults against us as we have spoken about here. Marriage has taught me that two parties can get to a point where they both think know they are right. Surely, one person must be wrong, right? Nope, both husband and wife think they are in the right and the other’s wrong. Amazing how life is, huh? And some folk think God doesn’t have a sense of humour.
MM1: I suppose. What I don’t get though is how stuff I did when I was single, when I didn’t even know she existed, is now in play when we fall out. The other day the missus accused me of being a hypocrite when I cautioned her against gossiping. Oh Mr. Holier-than-thou, this is gist man, not gossip but gist. Where was your moral outrage when you slept with your friend’s mom back in uni?
Tunde: U did what?!
Julio: Okay even I am disgusted by that…and that’s saying a lot dude.
MM1: Look, that happened a long time ago. Besides, the lady was divorced. Plus, mate in question never found out. Not my fault his mom looked like Kris Jenner.
Tunde: U lucky sod. I personally think Kris is better looking than her daughters.
Julio: There you go again, drooling over older women…and trying to change the topic again!
Tunde: Lo siento Julio. Must say though, since I got married I can’t seem to do anything right. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
MM1: Feel you brother. Sometimes I think Tim McGraw’s Angry All The Time should be the soundtrack of my marriage.
Tunde: You know that song?! I love that song! Didn’t know u liked Country Western songs….oops, I’d better hush before Julio opens his mouth again.
Julio: U know me so well. On a serious tip why are y’all so maudlin? Ain’t gonna get married yo, gonna live the George Clooney lifestyle. Just heard he broke up with his latest girlfriend. Dude rocks.
Tunde: Yeah, you know what would be uber-fun? Get George to hook up with Taylor Swift. That chick’s a serial dater and a part of me thinks she does that so she’d have material for her next album. She’s the patron (or is it matron?) saint of all scorned women the world over.
Julio: U are a genius man. That’d be the most scrutinized relationship ever. There’d be a countdown on celeb websites monitoring how long it’d take before they call it quits.
Tunde: Knowing my man George Taylor would probably end up singing his praises at some award show instead of slagging him off. Notice how none of the women he’s been with has ever said a bad word about him? Either he’s super charming or he pays them off.

So the married wusses continued trading war stories for what seemed like forever while I zoned out and thought of possible designs for my Sperm Donor tattoo. Then some dude in a priest’s collar came by our table and asked if he’d join us.


Priest: Good evening gentlemen, I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were talking about. Mind if I join you?
Julio: (*…thinking to himself…this would make a funny joke. So a priests walks into a bar….*)
Tunde: Sure sir. What do we call you, Father, Pastor..?
Priest: How about Bar Hopping Priest? I kid, I kid. I just came by to see the owner of the bar as he’s my cousin. Call me Jeff.
Julio: (*…thinking to himself… So a bar-hopping priests walks into a bar….*)
MM1: Okay Jeff, what did the Lord reveal to you about my marriage? If Chris Okotie, a man of the cloth like u, can get divorced a second time ain’t no way I am not leaving my wife. As soon as our child is born I am getting a divorce. Wanna know the funny thang? Her aunt keeps asking me to forgive my wife’s outbursts. “It’s just hormones acting up”, she says. Well, screw her and her hormones. I am gone!
Julio: (*…thinking to himself… So a bar-hopping priests walks into a bar and sees a man with a dowdy expression on his face. “Why the long face”, he asks. The man looks up at the bar-hopping priest and says, “Me Father? Nothing much, I am just thinking of quitting the family business.” “At a crossroads I see, so what exactly is the family business”, the priest asks. “Well Father, that’s just it, I come from a long, distinguished line of professional sperm donors!”…*)
Jeff the Bar Hopping Priest: Don’t be so rash. Would you like your unborn child to grow up in a broken home? I come from a broken home and trust me there are issues I am still resolving from my childhood. You know each man shall be held accountable for his own actions, right? So don’t dwell on what Chris Okotie does, dwell on what is best for you and your family. Do not forget your wedding vows were made in front of God.

At this point Tunde starts weeping like the wuss he is and I start taking pics of him like his Robert Pattinson after his heifer girlfriend cheated on him. That’s my blackmail pic for life! The dude that invented camera phones should have his own holiday. The preaching continued….


Jeff the Bar Hopping Priest Who Apparently Is Mad-dogging Chris Okotie: When I counsel married men in situations such as yours they always spout Ephesians 5:22, Wives, submit to ur husbands as to the Lord but forget God’s instruction to men is even weightier. Just a few verses later husbands are told to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to her….in this same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself….
Tunde aka Weeping Robert: Hear, hear.
MM1: Just shut your pie-hole Tunde and let Jeff talk!
Jeff the Bar Hopping Priest Who Is Such A Showoff He Quotes Bible Passages In Bars: I don’t want to take up more of your time. Just think things through before you make a decision. God loves you. Goodnight gentlemen.

Jeff the (fill in the blank with your own description) leaves our table and the married wusses remain silent. I tried to lighten the atmosphere…

Julio: Man, talk about a party pooper, huh? That was a scene straight out of a Tyler Perry movie, dontcha think? Speaking of which it just occurred to me y’all stories would make perfect material for an all male, all Nigerian version of Why Did I Get Married?. Huh, huh?
Notice I said ‘Nigerian’ and not ‘Nollywood’ as a Nollywood version would probably be called something moronic like Marriage Crisis or Married Men Club. Am I right or am I right?
Seriously though, where do those guys get their movie titles from? Last week I saw the poster for a movie called Azonto Ghost Part 3. Aaaarrggghh!!! Didn’t know whether to be pissed someone made a movie with that title or be pissed a movie with such a crap title, and worse premise I bet, spawned two sequels.

My attempt at a joke fell flat. One after the other the married wusses got up and headed to their cars…and left me with the bill. Cheapskates! I had a few more drinks and thanked the Lord the thought of settling down had never crossed this stripper’s mind. If talentless ex-stripper Channing Tatum can have an acting career so can I, darn it.

Now off to a tattoo parlour to get me a Sperm Donor tattoo.

Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]