Schadenfreude

Julio here. I am buzzing peeps. U know why? The Detroit Pistons beat the LA Lakers to clinch the NBA title. I stayed up ‘til 4am to see this monumental win. Why should y’all care about this, u ask? Well, u reading my blog dammit! Whatever’s of interest to me should be taken seriously by y’all. Sorry, my bad. It’s just that it’s been real sunny over here for the past week and the heat’s getting to me. Too bad I ain’t from the tropics, huh?

Anyways, back to the NBA game. I’m glad the Lakers lost ‘cos of one man: Shaquille O’Neal. Man, I can’t stand that guy. I actually wrestled with this schadenfreude for a while. I mean one shouldn’t rejoice at another’s loss………..or should one? I resolved the issues with my ‘joy’ at Shaq’s loss by the following:

1. It’s sports, dummy. There’s always gonna be a winner and a loser. Besides Shaq’s a sore loser and even worse winner. A few seasons ago when the Lakers beat the Sacramento Kings on their way to the NBA title Shaq gave us this gem during the ring presentation ceremony: “Parents, tell ur kids that Sacramento is no longer the capital of California. That team should be called the Sacramento Queens”. And u expect me to feel bad for that punk?!
2. After Michael Jordan retired for the final time, thankfully, various peeps were asked to give their feelings of Jordan. Shaq said something along the lines of: “Jordan’s hegemonic. Hegemony means supreme, indestructible.” Sure, Shaq. U wanna tell us how many dictionaries and thesauri ya mama bought u on ur last birthday? Puhleese.

Let’s be clear about something, Shaq’s been known to give a lot to charity….at least that’s what his publicist says. Though I did like his song Outstanding his other forays into movies and music are patently laughable. Shaq’s probably the only artiste to have sold less CDs than Latoya Jackson and William Shatner.

Michael Jordan, David Beckham, Tiger Woods; these guys can’t hold a torch to Shaq’s endorsement opportunities. This guy endorses everything from fast food franchises and candy bars to ladies curl rollers and toothpicks. The guy loves eating so much when he hurt his toe some seasons ago he said his podiatrist/nutritionist/’yes yes’ man told him it’d heal faster if he soaked his feet in milk. Yes, MILK!!! U wanna tell me that Shaq doesn’t throw some cookies in his bucket of milk when no one’s watching? No wonder he’s as chunky - pun intended - as he is.

Another celebrity who needs a holiday in outer space is Janet Jackson. She’s what, like 50 years old now? Why then does she still prance around displaying her cleavage like it’s the 8th wonder of the world? Honestly, I believe she probably goes to bed with her wonder bra on. If she requires that much attention why doesn’t she fully expose herself then? Ooops, too late.

One more lady that makes me pull my (facial) hair out is Madonna. Gosh, it’s almost as if this lady was born with a mid-life crisis. That woman’s been reinventing herself since the age of 6 - heard that was when her mom finally weaned her off breast milk. I wonder what advice she’d give to her daughter if she told her: “Mommy dearest, I want to be a singer. I know I sound like a whale on drugs, but I believe if I can run around in my underwear, sleep with as many famous people (male and female) as possible and publish pics of my antics on the internet, no one will care if I’m as talentless as u are.”

Ah men, all this ranting and raving is making me think I might need to tone down on the herb a li’l bit. Just a tad bit. Tot ziens.