Friday, April 20, 2007

Cool romantic

Hola peeps. ¿Conjetura quién está detrás? U know how my blog entries are real looooonnnng? Finally realized I got that skill from my mom ‘cos while chatting on issue of marriage she went on and on for about 2 hours. I kid thee not. Man, that woman had loads to get off her chest. I’da figured it earlier in life ‘cos this woman lives to write loooonnnngggg letters.

Each time discover new stuff about self: Finally realized I can skip – with a skip rope - with both feet off ground at same time. Huh? Isn’t that the way most folk skip? Yeah, but for the life of me I never could do that. Always did the horse gallop thang while everyone else skipped ‘normally’. Not surprised at that ‘cos didn’t learn to whistle ‘til a few years ago.

Okay sorry to digress but so happy I just had to share that.

So what exactly did mom and I talk about? Well, this and that. Discovered she’s got a prayer list she declared to God for 2007 and so far most of the prayers have been answered. Discovered Tunde getting married before end of 2007 is one of the bullet points. Thought she was joking, but no, mama is serious. Even after laffing about it and telling her to go talk to God again she still drops random statements like, “Don’t choose December as wedding month ‘cos loadsa my friends are busy then….” For the life of me I dunno what else to do. Guess she’ll back down eventually…….hopefully.

Time in Lagos was cool ’cos mom and I bonded like never before….and we didn’t have one argument, which is weird for us. Over the years I’d perfected a subtle technique of never taking a seat when she asks me into her room for talks ‘cos that’d encourage her to go on and on. I’d stand and if it goes on for longer than 9 minutes I’d slowly back my way to the door and work the door handle. At the sound of which, mommy dearest knows she has to round up whatever urgent matter we discussing. This time around I didn’t move an inch, I let her talk and talk. Hey, her daughters are married and her favourite son (okay only son) is in PH saving the world, she’s probably missed conversating with someone. I’m sure the help is glad I’m around ‘cos in her bid to chat I’m sure she must rant and rave for hours anytime dude commits a minor infraction. “So u put the trays in the wrong place again? Man, what am I gonna do with u………(1 hour later) u see my son would never do that, even though punk doesn’t wanna get married yet…..(3 hours later) u see since I had that boy he’s been nada but pain, he’s the only guy who’ll decide to shave all his hair off, only guy who’ll decide to get his ears pierced……(5 hours later) u see the thang about global warming is…” Y’all catch my drift?

As discussed in last blog while in Lagos power supply and traffic was atrocious. So went out sparingly. Finally hooked up with mate from primary school who called me outta the blue in December last year. When I got the call thought it was someone having me on but she recalled minutiae of moi, siblings and teachers I had to take her word for it - apparently I had a huge gap in front teeth back in Primary 3 and 4. Who woulda thunk? Anyways we meet up at her mate’s in Lagos – she’s based in Abuja – and felt awful ‘cos she remembered all these things about me and all I’d do was nod ‘cos couldn’t recall her face let alone anything about her. To make matters even worse I wasn’t ace company ‘cos was dealing with stuff so text messages came in fast and furious and had to respond to them just as quickly. I’m sure chick musta been thinking, “whatever happened to that cute dude in primary school who used to gimme half his tangerine?”

Lol……guess that’s what happens when folk try to hook up with crushes from primary school. Met up with first ever crush some years back and chick who I remembered from Primary 5 as Ebony Queen, was not as fine as I recalled 15 years on. After that got in contact with another primary school mate I hadn’t seen in ages and chick assured me she looked like Jennifer Lopez. “J.Lo, huh? I’m more inclined towards Salma Hayek, but guess a J.Lo-lookalike’s not so bad….”, or so I thought. Let’s just say when I saw her it was more J.Nooooooooooooo than J.Lo. Come to think of it she had a Jay Leno thang going on as well. Lol…guess there’s something fairytaley (yes, that’s a new word) about hooking up with an old crush, but more Shrek fairytaley than Sleeping Beauty fairytaley if u know what I mean.

What else did I get up to in Lagos? Hung out with a few mates and saw just two movies this time. Missed out on first 15 minutes of 300 ‘cos was stuck in traffic, but thoroughly enjoyed rest of the movie…..even though I wanted to smack in the head of 2 dudes in row ahead of me who took it upon themselves to provide running commentary through out the length of the movie. Wasn’t as bad as when I saw The Last King of Scotland at same cinema. Then, I sat just below the projectionist’s window and the dude just wouldn’t shut up. Seems he’d snuck in a guest into his cubicle so he narrated the movie to him/her in Yoruba. Bobo Idi Amin yi, o like obinrin ga’n… Man, that ruined an otherwise lovely movie for me.

Also saw Ghost Rider and sadly, I watched the entire movie. I keep giving Nicolas Cage chance after chance but dude keeps delivering turkeys. I loved reading the Ghost Rider comics as a kid and was really looking forward to the movie. Movie was utter crap. Best thang about it? The chick that played a younger version of Eva Mendes’ character. Yup, even Eva Mendes wasn’t her usual steaming hot self. The movie was the only sour point on what turned out to be a marvellous Sunday.

Returned to PH on Monday and was welcomed to the apartment by the sight of dead roaches everywhere. Hey, I’d been away for near on 5 weeks – 3 weeks on the R.I.G. and 10 days in Lagos – so it’s expected. If I had to nominate a Man of the Year it’d be the guy I hired to fumigate the crib. It’s been almost 6 months and still the effects of his handiwork are there for all me to see. Whatever concoction he sprayed around the crib it sure is working a treat, only wall geckos seem immune to this stuff – observed a toad that had croaked (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) in guest bathroom - and that’s probably ‘cos they hardly stay put in one place. Man, fumigator’s spray is so effective I once convinced myself he’s the modern day Pied Piper – yes, the dude off the children’s story, not R. Kelly – ‘cos I would return home from a hard day at the poles to find roaches lying on their backs in front of my room….in an orderly fashion, almost as if they had been planted there by Mark Fuhrman. To ensure I wasn’t suffering from side-effects of Whitney Houston’s ‘medication’ I changed the locks on the doors, but still discovered dead roaches everywhere. Oh man, what a sight. Can’t remember the last time I soiled the soles of my flip flops with roach splatter. Dr. Bakura, if u reading this, u are The Man, Tunde’s nomination for The Man of the Year, even though we still in the month of April.

‘Cos I had been away for so long discovered I had clothes that had to be laundered. Couldn’t locate stray help – dude that showed up on my doorstep one day asking if he’d help around the house – so obtained some generic brand detergent from neighbour and set about washing clothes. No sooner had I soaked clothes that I observed detergent lather had turned green. “Jumping Jehosephat, Batman”, I exclaimed in my best Robin impersonation, “there must be a piece of clothing with colors that run”. Turns out all I had soaked were my whites! Soaked colored clothes later and same occurrences was observed. What sorta dodgy detergent is this? Only in PH.

More PH news: Was hungry so mate – seems he’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was….more on that later - and I decide to get a bite at a popular fast food joint.

Tunde: I would like the #8 please, the combo meal.
Attendant [*with a Shaniqua (from MARTIN) hairstyle*]: Sure, sir. That’s the meal that comes with 2 pieces of chicken, a small pack of fries and a bottle of soft drink, right? Would that be eat-in or takeway? What drink would u like?
Tunde: Take-away please. I would like a Fanta. Thanks.


(Meal takes an age to get served so entertain myself by playing peek-a-boo with my six-pack)

Attendant: Here’s ur meal, sir. That will be 700 Naira.
Tunde: There u go. Hold on, I said I wasn’t eating in yet u gave me a drink in a glass bottle.
Attendant: Yes, ur meal comes with a bottled drink.
Tunde: I understand that, but u see I am taking the food out of here. U have Fanta in plastic bottles, dontcha? Good. Now get me one of those.
Attendant: Sorry sir, but ur meal comes with a drink in a glass bottle. Can’t u see the picture of the meal up on the display?
Tunde: Lol…..yes, I know, but u don’t expect me to take the glass bottle home with me, do u? Oh, I see from the look on ur face that u do. Okay, what’s the markup on the plastic bottle and I’ll pay that?
Attendant: Sorry sir, but if u want the plastic bottle of Fanta u’d have to purchase it separately. Ur meal comes with a……
Tunde: I know. I know. Thank u, I’ll take my Fanta in a GLASS BOTTLE with me, and when I’m done I’ll use the empty bottle to harass folk in traffic. Good enough for u?
Attendant: Sir, it’s not my fault ur meal comes with a………


Okay back to my previously marriage-ready mate. Turns out dude’s girlfriend’s been visiting every weekend. On one of these visits dude felt so tight with her he opened up about the chicks he had dated in PH. They hadn’t hooked up then so it wasn’t like dude was cheating, so why tell her this unsolicited? Dunno, guess the meal she made was so off the ying yang it loosened his tongue. His chick then asked to meet any of the girls; she said she wanted to see the sorta women he had left for her. Woah. My mate obliged her request, and when I asked how his girlfriend reacted after ‘the meeting’ he said she acted normally. “Normally as in I’m cool with this normally, or normally as in Lemme garnish ur next meal with rat poison normally”, I asked. Dude cracked up.

Dunno chick’s reasons for that strange request, but not sure I’d acquiesce if I was in mate’s shoes. Peep this, the other day I woke up in a cold sweat – okay sweat was warm ‘cos there was no power – ‘cos had a dream where I’d to judge a beauty pageant where contestants were ex-girlfriends. That’s enough trauma to last a lifetime. Lol…..reminds me of a mate who introduced himself to his ex’s new boyfriend, his replacement if u will, as “Yemi’s ex”. Was so funny I still tease him about it till date. Us humans don’t intend to, but if one gets wind of the fact that one’s ex is seeing someone new one’s bound to be curious about replacement measuring up to one. Okay her new boyfriend’s taller, wittier, better looking, wealthier and more romantic than me, but bet he can’t spit an orange seed as far as I can…. Meeting a replacement who’s cross-eyed, hunch-backed, and suffers from a severe case of halitosis and body odour would be the ideal scenario. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Politics: The Presidential elections are scheduled for Saturday and another public holiday has been declared for the eve of the elections. Apparently a public holiday, not government policies that improve peeps’ lives, is a sine qua non for successful voter turn out in Nigerian elections. Let’s pray we get the right folk this time so hopefully in 4 years I don’t replay this exchange I had with a mate two days ago.

Mate: I am glad the elections have come and gone. I don’t care who won my state, I just want the incumbent to leave. Man, it’s so bad his 16 years in charge have been an exercise in futility.
Tunde: 16 years in charge? Surely, u meant to say 8 years.
Mate: Nah, dude’s rule has been so atrocious he’s taken us two steps back in every way, hence my statement.


Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Yeah, forgot to mention why I think mate’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was. Before I went to the R.I.G. all I heard from him was marriage this, marriage that. Dude’s expecting a windfall soon so I ask him if he’s gonna buy a ring with some of the money and dude scoffs at the idea. A month ago that woulda been considered a form of sacrilege.

PPS
Was thinking of response to Ms. May’s questions in last blog entry and another way I’d improve children’s learning ability is to include a Word for the Day in presidential broadcasts. Any kid that can text in the meaning of the word quickest gets a scholarship. Peep this:

President Tunde (*addressing the nation dressed in a pimped-out red suit; platinum grills in mouth; conflict-free diamond stud in earlobe; and spewing out words as fast as TWISTA ‘cos the presidential jet’s on standby for weekly flight to the UK to catch the Arsenal game*): My fellow Nigerians…blah blah blah…..the word for today is ILLEISM. Dunno what it means? Here’s a clue. Celebrities, especially US sports stars, have been known to indulge in acts of illeism. I suspect they use it ‘cos they either narcissistic or have a God-complex…or maybe ‘cos some of them usually “don’t be winning stuff” they need to find a way to keep our attention focused on them. U know what? I think it’s a fab idea. So fab in fact I indulged in similar acts when I was younger. I remember the following exchange between my dad and I back in 2007.

Dad: Tunde, when u getting married?
Tunde: Tunde doesn’t need to get hitched right now ‘cos with his killer 6-pack Tunde’s having way too much fun running honey down his slick abs.

Comments-[ comments.]

Cool romantic

Hola peeps. ¿Conjetura quién está detrás? U know how my blog entries are real looooonnnng? Finally realized I got that skill from my mom ‘cos while chatting on issue of marriage she went on and on for about 2 hours. I kid thee not. Man, that woman had loads to get off her chest. I’da figured it earlier in life ‘cos this woman lives to write loooonnnngggg letters.

Each time discover new stuff about self: Finally realized I can skip – with a skip rope - with both feet off ground at same time. Huh? Isn’t that the way most folk skip? Yeah, but for the life of me I never could do that. Always did the horse gallop thang while everyone else skipped ‘normally’. Not surprised at that ‘cos didn’t learn to whistle ‘til a few years ago.

Okay sorry to digress but so happy I just had to share that.

So what exactly did mom and I talk about? Well, this and that. Discovered she’s got a prayer list she declared to God for 2007 and so far most of the prayers have been answered. Discovered Tunde getting married before end of 2007 is one of the bullet points. Thought she was joking, but no, mama is serious. Even after laffing about it and telling her to go talk to God again she still drops random statements like, “Don’t choose December as wedding month ‘cos loadsa my friends are busy then….” For the life of me I dunno what else to do. Guess she’ll back down eventually…….hopefully.

Time in Lagos was cool ’cos mom and I bonded like never before….and we didn’t have one argument, which is weird for us. Over the years I’d perfected a subtle technique of never taking a seat when she asks me into her room for talks ‘cos that’d encourage her to go on and on. I’d stand and if it goes on for longer than 9 minutes I’d slowly back my way to the door and work the door handle. At the sound of which, mommy dearest knows she has to round up whatever urgent matter we discussing. This time around I didn’t move an inch, I let her talk and talk. Hey, her daughters are married and her favourite son (okay only son) is in PH saving the world, she’s probably missed conversating with someone. I’m sure the help is glad I’m around ‘cos in her bid to chat I’m sure she must rant and rave for hours anytime dude commits a minor infraction. “So u put the trays in the wrong place again? Man, what am I gonna do with u………(1 hour later) u see my son would never do that, even though punk doesn’t wanna get married yet…..(3 hours later) u see since I had that boy he’s been nada but pain, he’s the only guy who’ll decide to shave all his hair off, only guy who’ll decide to get his ears pierced……(5 hours later) u see the thang about global warming is…” Y’all catch my drift?

As discussed in last blog while in Lagos power supply and traffic was atrocious. So went out sparingly. Finally hooked up with mate from primary school who called me outta the blue in December last year. When I got the call thought it was someone having me on but she recalled minutiae of moi, siblings and teachers I had to take her word for it - apparently I had a huge gap in front teeth back in Primary 3 and 4. Who woulda thunk? Anyways we meet up at her mate’s in Lagos – she’s based in Abuja – and felt awful ‘cos she remembered all these things about me and all I’d do was nod ‘cos couldn’t recall her face let alone anything about her. To make matters even worse I wasn’t ace company ‘cos was dealing with stuff so text messages came in fast and furious and had to respond to them just as quickly. I’m sure chick musta been thinking, “whatever happened to that cute dude in primary school who used to gimme half his tangerine?”

Lol……guess that’s what happens when folk try to hook up with crushes from primary school. Met up with first ever crush some years back and chick who I remembered from Primary 5 as Ebony Queen, was not as fine as I recalled 15 years on. After that got in contact with another primary school mate I hadn’t seen in ages and chick assured me she looked like Jennifer Lopez. “J.Lo, huh? I’m more inclined towards Salma Hayek, but guess a J.Lo-lookalike’s not so bad….”, or so I thought. Let’s just say when I saw her it was more J.Nooooooooooooo than J.Lo. Come to think of it she had a Jay Leno thang going on as well. Lol…guess there’s something fairytaley (yes, that’s a new word) about hooking up with an old crush, but more Shrek fairytaley than Sleeping Beauty fairytaley if u know what I mean.

What else did I get up to in Lagos? Hung out with a few mates and saw just two movies this time. Missed out on first 15 minutes of 300 ‘cos was stuck in traffic, but thoroughly enjoyed rest of the movie…..even though I wanted to smack in the head of 2 dudes in row ahead of me who took it upon themselves to provide running commentary through out the length of the movie. Wasn’t as bad as when I saw The Last King of Scotland at same cinema. Then, I sat just below the projectionist’s window and the dude just wouldn’t shut up. Seems he’d snuck in a guest into his cubicle so he narrated the movie to him/her in Yoruba. Bobo Idi Amin yi, o like obinrin ga’n… Man, that ruined an otherwise lovely movie for me.

Also saw Ghost Rider and sadly, I watched the entire movie. I keep giving Nicolas Cage chance after chance but dude keeps delivering turkeys. I loved reading the Ghost Rider comics as a kid and was really looking forward to the movie. Movie was utter crap. Best thang about it? The chick that played a younger version of Eva Mendes’ character. Yup, even Eva Mendes wasn’t her usual steaming hot self. The movie was the only sour point on what turned out to be a marvellous Sunday.

Returned to PH on Monday and was welcomed to the apartment by the sight of dead roaches everywhere. Hey, I’d been away for near on 5 weeks – 3 weeks on the R.I.G. and 10 days in Lagos – so it’s expected. If I had to nominate a Man of the Year it’d be the guy I hired to fumigate the crib. It’s been almost 6 months and still the effects of his handiwork are there for all me to see. Whatever concoction he sprayed around the crib it sure is working a treat, only wall geckos seem immune to this stuff – observed a toad that had croaked (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) in guest bathroom - and that’s probably ‘cos they hardly stay put in one place. Man, fumigator’s spray is so effective I once convinced myself he’s the modern day Pied Piper – yes, the dude off the children’s story, not R. Kelly – ‘cos I would return home from a hard day at the poles to find roaches lying on their backs in front of my room….in an orderly fashion, almost as if they had been planted there by Mark Fuhrman. To ensure I wasn’t suffering from side-effects of Whitney Houston’s ‘medication’ I changed the locks on the doors, but still discovered dead roaches everywhere. Oh man, what a sight. Can’t remember the last time I soiled the soles of my flip flops with roach splatter. Dr. Bakura, if u reading this, u are The Man, Tunde’s nomination for The Man of the Year, even though we still in the month of April.

‘Cos I had been away for so long discovered I had clothes that had to be laundered. Couldn’t locate stray help – dude that showed up on my doorstep one day asking if he’d help around the house – so obtained some generic brand detergent from neighbour and set about washing clothes. No sooner had I soaked clothes that I observed detergent lather had turned green. “Jumping Jehosephat, Batman”, I exclaimed in my best Robin impersonation, “there must be a piece of clothing with colors that run”. Turns out all I had soaked were my whites! Soaked colored clothes later and same occurrences was observed. What sorta dodgy detergent is this? Only in PH.

More PH news: Was hungry so mate – seems he’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was….more on that later - and I decide to get a bite at a popular fast food joint.

Tunde: I would like the #8 please, the combo meal.
Attendant [*with a Shaniqua (from MARTIN) hairstyle*]: Sure, sir. That’s the meal that comes with 2 pieces of chicken, a small pack of fries and a bottle of soft drink, right? Would that be eat-in or takeway? What drink would u like?
Tunde: Take-away please. I would like a Fanta. Thanks.


(Meal takes an age to get served so entertain myself by playing peek-a-boo with my six-pack)

Attendant: Here’s ur meal, sir. That will be 700 Naira.
Tunde: There u go. Hold on, I said I wasn’t eating in yet u gave me a drink in a glass bottle.
Attendant: Yes, ur meal comes with a bottled drink.
Tunde: I understand that, but u see I am taking the food out of here. U have Fanta in plastic bottles, dontcha? Good. Now get me one of those.
Attendant: Sorry sir, but ur meal comes with a drink in a glass bottle. Can’t u see the picture of the meal up on the display?
Tunde: Lol…..yes, I know, but u don’t expect me to take the glass bottle home with me, do u? Oh, I see from the look on ur face that u do. Okay, what’s the markup on the plastic bottle and I’ll pay that?
Attendant: Sorry sir, but if u want the plastic bottle of Fanta u’d have to purchase it separately. Ur meal comes with a……
Tunde: I know. I know. Thank u, I’ll take my Fanta in a GLASS BOTTLE with me, and when I’m done I’ll use the empty bottle to harass folk in traffic. Good enough for u?
Attendant: Sir, it’s not my fault ur meal comes with a………


Okay back to my previously marriage-ready mate. Turns out dude’s girlfriend’s been visiting every weekend. On one of these visits dude felt so tight with her he opened up about the chicks he had dated in PH. They hadn’t hooked up then so it wasn’t like dude was cheating, so why tell her this unsolicited? Dunno, guess the meal she made was so off the ying yang it loosened his tongue. His chick then asked to meet any of the girls; she said she wanted to see the sorta women he had left for her. Woah. My mate obliged her request, and when I asked how his girlfriend reacted after ‘the meeting’ he said she acted normally. “Normally as in I’m cool with this normally, or normally as in Lemme garnish ur next meal with rat poison normally”, I asked. Dude cracked up.

Dunno chick’s reasons for that strange request, but not sure I’d acquiesce if I was in mate’s shoes. Peep this, the other day I woke up in a cold sweat – okay sweat was warm ‘cos there was no power – ‘cos had a dream where I’d to judge a beauty pageant where contestants were ex-girlfriends. That’s enough trauma to last a lifetime. Lol…..reminds me of a mate who introduced himself to his ex’s new boyfriend, his replacement if u will, as “Yemi’s ex”. Was so funny I still tease him about it till date. Us humans don’t intend to, but if one gets wind of the fact that one’s ex is seeing someone new one’s bound to be curious about replacement measuring up to one. Okay her new boyfriend’s taller, wittier, better looking, wealthier and more romantic than me, but bet he can’t spit an orange seed as far as I can…. Meeting a replacement who’s cross-eyed, hunch-backed, and suffers from a severe case of halitosis and body odour would be the ideal scenario. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Politics: The Presidential elections are scheduled for Saturday and another public holiday has been declared for the eve of the elections. Apparently a public holiday, not government policies that improve peeps’ lives, is a sine qua non for successful voter turn out in Nigerian elections. Let’s pray we get the right folk this time so hopefully in 4 years I don’t replay this exchange I had with a mate two days ago.

Mate: I am glad the elections have come and gone. I don’t care who won my state, I just want the incumbent to leave. Man, it’s so bad his 16 years in charge have been an exercise in futility.
Tunde: 16 years in charge? Surely, u meant to say 8 years.
Mate: Nah, dude’s rule has been so atrocious he’s taken us two steps back in every way, hence my statement.


Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Yeah, forgot to mention why I think mate’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was. Before I went to the R.I.G. all I heard from him was marriage this, marriage that. Dude’s expecting a windfall soon so I ask him if he’s gonna buy a ring with some of the money and dude scoffs at the idea. A month ago that woulda been considered a form of sacrilege.

PPS
Was thinking of response to Ms. May’s questions in last blog entry and another way I’d improve children’s learning ability is to include a Word for the Day in presidential broadcasts. Any kid that can text in the meaning of the word quickest gets a scholarship. Peep this:

President Tunde (*addressing the nation dressed in a pimped-out red suit; platinum grills in mouth; conflict-free diamond stud in earlobe; and spewing out words as fast as TWISTA ‘cos the presidential jet’s on standby for weekly flight to the UK to catch the Arsenal game*): My fellow Nigerians…blah blah blah…..the word for today is ILLEISM. Dunno what it means? Here’s a clue. Celebrities, especially US sports stars, have been known to indulge in acts of illeism. I suspect they use it ‘cos they either narcissistic or have a God-complex…or maybe ‘cos some of them usually “don’t be winning stuff” they need to find a way to keep our attention focused on them. U know what? I think it’s a fab idea. So fab in fact I indulged in similar acts when I was younger. I remember the following exchange between my dad and I back in 2007.

Dad: Tunde, when u getting married?
Tunde: Tunde doesn’t need to get hitched right now ‘cos with his killer 6-pack Tunde’s having way too much fun running honey down his slick abs.

Comments-[ comments.]

Cool romantic

Hola peeps. ¿Conjetura quién está detrás? U know how my blog entries are real looooonnnng? Finally realized I got that skill from my mom ‘cos while chatting on issue of marriage she went on and on for about 2 hours. I kid thee not. Man, that woman had loads to get off her chest. I’da figured it earlier in life ‘cos this woman lives to write loooonnnngggg letters.

Each time discover new stuff about self: Finally realized I can skip – with a skip rope - with both feet off ground at same time. Huh? Isn’t that the way most folk skip? Yeah, but for the life of me I never could do that. Always did the horse gallop thang while everyone else skipped ‘normally’. Not surprised at that ‘cos didn’t learn to whistle ‘til a few years ago.

Okay sorry to digress but so happy I just had to share that.

So what exactly did mom and I talk about? Well, this and that. Discovered she’s got a prayer list she declared to God for 2007 and so far most of the prayers have been answered. Discovered Tunde getting married before end of 2007 is one of the bullet points. Thought she was joking, but no, mama is serious. Even after laffing about it and telling her to go talk to God again she still drops random statements like, “Don’t choose December as wedding month ‘cos loadsa my friends are busy then….” For the life of me I dunno what else to do. Guess she’ll back down eventually…….hopefully.

Time in Lagos was cool ’cos mom and I bonded like never before….and we didn’t have one argument, which is weird for us. Over the years I’d perfected a subtle technique of never taking a seat when she asks me into her room for talks ‘cos that’d encourage her to go on and on. I’d stand and if it goes on for longer than 9 minutes I’d slowly back my way to the door and work the door handle. At the sound of which, mommy dearest knows she has to round up whatever urgent matter we discussing. This time around I didn’t move an inch, I let her talk and talk. Hey, her daughters are married and her favourite son (okay only son) is in PH saving the world, she’s probably missed conversating with someone. I’m sure the help is glad I’m around ‘cos in her bid to chat I’m sure she must rant and rave for hours anytime dude commits a minor infraction. “So u put the trays in the wrong place again? Man, what am I gonna do with u………(1 hour later) u see my son would never do that, even though punk doesn’t wanna get married yet…..(3 hours later) u see since I had that boy he’s been nada but pain, he’s the only guy who’ll decide to shave all his hair off, only guy who’ll decide to get his ears pierced……(5 hours later) u see the thang about global warming is…” Y’all catch my drift?

As discussed in last blog while in Lagos power supply and traffic was atrocious. So went out sparingly. Finally hooked up with mate from primary school who called me outta the blue in December last year. When I got the call thought it was someone having me on but she recalled minutiae of moi, siblings and teachers I had to take her word for it - apparently I had a huge gap in front teeth back in Primary 3 and 4. Who woulda thunk? Anyways we meet up at her mate’s in Lagos – she’s based in Abuja – and felt awful ‘cos she remembered all these things about me and all I’d do was nod ‘cos couldn’t recall her face let alone anything about her. To make matters even worse I wasn’t ace company ‘cos was dealing with stuff so text messages came in fast and furious and had to respond to them just as quickly. I’m sure chick musta been thinking, “whatever happened to that cute dude in primary school who used to gimme half his tangerine?”

Lol……guess that’s what happens when folk try to hook up with crushes from primary school. Met up with first ever crush some years back and chick who I remembered from Primary 5 as Ebony Queen, was not as fine as I recalled 15 years on. After that got in contact with another primary school mate I hadn’t seen in ages and chick assured me she looked like Jennifer Lopez. “J.Lo, huh? I’m more inclined towards Salma Hayek, but guess a J.Lo-lookalike’s not so bad….”, or so I thought. Let’s just say when I saw her it was more J.Nooooooooooooo than J.Lo. Come to think of it she had a Jay Leno thang going on as well. Lol…guess there’s something fairytaley (yes, that’s a new word) about hooking up with an old crush, but more Shrek fairytaley than Sleeping Beauty fairytaley if u know what I mean.

What else did I get up to in Lagos? Hung out with a few mates and saw just two movies this time. Missed out on first 15 minutes of 300 ‘cos was stuck in traffic, but thoroughly enjoyed rest of the movie…..even though I wanted to smack in the head of 2 dudes in row ahead of me who took it upon themselves to provide running commentary through out the length of the movie. Wasn’t as bad as when I saw The Last King of Scotland at same cinema. Then, I sat just below the projectionist’s window and the dude just wouldn’t shut up. Seems he’d snuck in a guest into his cubicle so he narrated the movie to him/her in Yoruba. Bobo Idi Amin yi, o like obinrin ga’n… Man, that ruined an otherwise lovely movie for me.

Also saw Ghost Rider and sadly, I watched the entire movie. I keep giving Nicolas Cage chance after chance but dude keeps delivering turkeys. I loved reading the Ghost Rider comics as a kid and was really looking forward to the movie. Movie was utter crap. Best thang about it? The chick that played a younger version of Eva Mendes’ character. Yup, even Eva Mendes wasn’t her usual steaming hot self. The movie was the only sour point on what turned out to be a marvellous Sunday.

Returned to PH on Monday and was welcomed to the apartment by the sight of dead roaches everywhere. Hey, I’d been away for near on 5 weeks – 3 weeks on the R.I.G. and 10 days in Lagos – so it’s expected. If I had to nominate a Man of the Year it’d be the guy I hired to fumigate the crib. It’s been almost 6 months and still the effects of his handiwork are there for all me to see. Whatever concoction he sprayed around the crib it sure is working a treat, only wall geckos seem immune to this stuff – observed a toad that had croaked (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) in guest bathroom - and that’s probably ‘cos they hardly stay put in one place. Man, fumigator’s spray is so effective I once convinced myself he’s the modern day Pied Piper – yes, the dude off the children’s story, not R. Kelly – ‘cos I would return home from a hard day at the poles to find roaches lying on their backs in front of my room….in an orderly fashion, almost as if they had been planted there by Mark Fuhrman. To ensure I wasn’t suffering from side-effects of Whitney Houston’s ‘medication’ I changed the locks on the doors, but still discovered dead roaches everywhere. Oh man, what a sight. Can’t remember the last time I soiled the soles of my flip flops with roach splatter. Dr. Bakura, if u reading this, u are The Man, Tunde’s nomination for The Man of the Year, even though we still in the month of April.

‘Cos I had been away for so long discovered I had clothes that had to be laundered. Couldn’t locate stray help – dude that showed up on my doorstep one day asking if he’d help around the house – so obtained some generic brand detergent from neighbour and set about washing clothes. No sooner had I soaked clothes that I observed detergent lather had turned green. “Jumping Jehosephat, Batman”, I exclaimed in my best Robin impersonation, “there must be a piece of clothing with colors that run”. Turns out all I had soaked were my whites! Soaked colored clothes later and same occurrences was observed. What sorta dodgy detergent is this? Only in PH.

More PH news: Was hungry so mate – seems he’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was….more on that later - and I decide to get a bite at a popular fast food joint.

Tunde: I would like the #8 please, the combo meal.
Attendant [*with a Shaniqua (from MARTIN) hairstyle*]: Sure, sir. That’s the meal that comes with 2 pieces of chicken, a small pack of fries and a bottle of soft drink, right? Would that be eat-in or takeway? What drink would u like?
Tunde: Take-away please. I would like a Fanta. Thanks.


(Meal takes an age to get served so entertain myself by playing peek-a-boo with my six-pack)

Attendant: Here’s ur meal, sir. That will be 700 Naira.
Tunde: There u go. Hold on, I said I wasn’t eating in yet u gave me a drink in a glass bottle.
Attendant: Yes, ur meal comes with a bottled drink.
Tunde: I understand that, but u see I am taking the food out of here. U have Fanta in plastic bottles, dontcha? Good. Now get me one of those.
Attendant: Sorry sir, but ur meal comes with a drink in a glass bottle. Can’t u see the picture of the meal up on the display?
Tunde: Lol…..yes, I know, but u don’t expect me to take the glass bottle home with me, do u? Oh, I see from the look on ur face that u do. Okay, what’s the markup on the plastic bottle and I’ll pay that?
Attendant: Sorry sir, but if u want the plastic bottle of Fanta u’d have to purchase it separately. Ur meal comes with a……
Tunde: I know. I know. Thank u, I’ll take my Fanta in a GLASS BOTTLE with me, and when I’m done I’ll use the empty bottle to harass folk in traffic. Good enough for u?
Attendant: Sir, it’s not my fault ur meal comes with a………


Okay back to my previously marriage-ready mate. Turns out dude’s girlfriend’s been visiting every weekend. On one of these visits dude felt so tight with her he opened up about the chicks he had dated in PH. They hadn’t hooked up then so it wasn’t like dude was cheating, so why tell her this unsolicited? Dunno, guess the meal she made was so off the ying yang it loosened his tongue. His chick then asked to meet any of the girls; she said she wanted to see the sorta women he had left for her. Woah. My mate obliged her request, and when I asked how his girlfriend reacted after ‘the meeting’ he said she acted normally. “Normally as in I’m cool with this normally, or normally as in Lemme garnish ur next meal with rat poison normally”, I asked. Dude cracked up.

Dunno chick’s reasons for that strange request, but not sure I’d acquiesce if I was in mate’s shoes. Peep this, the other day I woke up in a cold sweat – okay sweat was warm ‘cos there was no power – ‘cos had a dream where I’d to judge a beauty pageant where contestants were ex-girlfriends. That’s enough trauma to last a lifetime. Lol…..reminds me of a mate who introduced himself to his ex’s new boyfriend, his replacement if u will, as “Yemi’s ex”. Was so funny I still tease him about it till date. Us humans don’t intend to, but if one gets wind of the fact that one’s ex is seeing someone new one’s bound to be curious about replacement measuring up to one. Okay her new boyfriend’s taller, wittier, better looking, wealthier and more romantic than me, but bet he can’t spit an orange seed as far as I can…. Meeting a replacement who’s cross-eyed, hunch-backed, and suffers from a severe case of halitosis and body odour would be the ideal scenario. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Politics: The Presidential elections are scheduled for Saturday and another public holiday has been declared for the eve of the elections. Apparently a public holiday, not government policies that improve peeps’ lives, is a sine qua non for successful voter turn out in Nigerian elections. Let’s pray we get the right folk this time so hopefully in 4 years I don’t replay this exchange I had with a mate two days ago.

Mate: I am glad the elections have come and gone. I don’t care who won my state, I just want the incumbent to leave. Man, it’s so bad his 16 years in charge have been an exercise in futility.
Tunde: 16 years in charge? Surely, u meant to say 8 years.
Mate: Nah, dude’s rule has been so atrocious he’s taken us two steps back in every way, hence my statement.


Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Yeah, forgot to mention why I think mate’s no longer as marriage-ready as he once was. Before I went to the R.I.G. all I heard from him was marriage this, marriage that. Dude’s expecting a windfall soon so I ask him if he’s gonna buy a ring with some of the money and dude scoffs at the idea. A month ago that woulda been considered a form of sacrilege.

PPS
Was thinking of response to Ms. May’s questions in last blog entry and another way I’d improve children’s learning ability is to include a Word for the Day in presidential broadcasts. Any kid that can text in the meaning of the word quickest gets a scholarship. Peep this:

President Tunde (*addressing the nation dressed in a pimped-out red suit; platinum grills in mouth; conflict-free diamond stud in earlobe; and spewing out words as fast as TWISTA ‘cos the presidential jet’s on standby for weekly flight to the UK to catch the Arsenal game*): My fellow Nigerians…blah blah blah…..the word for today is ILLEISM. Dunno what it means? Here’s a clue. Celebrities, especially US sports stars, have been known to indulge in acts of illeism. I suspect they use it ‘cos they either narcissistic or have a God-complex…or maybe ‘cos some of them usually “don’t be winning stuff” they need to find a way to keep our attention focused on them. U know what? I think it’s a fab idea. So fab in fact I indulged in similar acts when I was younger. I remember the following exchange between my dad and I back in 2007.

Dad: Tunde, when u getting married?
Tunde: Tunde doesn’t need to get hitched right now ‘cos with his killer 6-pack Tunde’s having way too much fun running honey down his slick abs.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

May u live in interesting times…….but this interesting?!!

Hola peeps. ¿Ha sido un rato, no tiene? Commenced writing this blog entry @ 8.29pm on the 14th of April 2007…..and then took a long break, hence why u just reading blog entry now. Hee Hee.

Why is the time so important? No reason, just that when I woke up on the 14th plan was to go jogging then write this blog about the week I have spent in Lagos. Instead, I traded barbs with my brothers, had some cereal, went jogging, showered, admired six-pack in bathroom mirror, went along to the polling station as an independent observer, showered again ‘cos was crazy hot outside…and needed an excuse to admire six-pack again, saw a bootleg version of Smokin’ Aces (nice premise but ending was too weak), read a book, saw Arsenal finally win a game, saw folk on local TV station discuss the slavish and unfair elections, read more of book, and heard some premature election victories that left me disappointed. Phew. Busy day, huh?

Woke up disappointed ‘cos entire family was looking forward to casting their vote and most I had to do was go jogging. Eventually, when I did that the pace wasn’t as fast as I’m used to ‘cos of the heat. However, my impersonation of a tortoise afforded the opportunity to hear folk discuss their views on this remarkable day in our nation’s history.

Guy on bicycle: U go vote?
Girl walking beside him: No, dem send me? I no go vote jo. Wetin dem don do for me?
Guy: Exactly. I sure say dem don choose person wey dem go put for there, so all the one wey people dey queue up na for waste of time.
Girl: Na so o.


I was a bit disappointed ‘cos that sorta electoral malaise is endemic in Nigerians of various ilks. From the reports received around the country dude might have had a point, though that’s not a reason to eschew voting. Er, who are u to talk about voting when u didn’t register to vote? Punk ass punk. Anyways, like I was typing b4 my conscience kicked in dude on the bike might have a point. In my role as an independent observer I, er, observed the following (I have got evidence on tape as well….okay evidence is on cell phone but u catch my drift):

1. Electoral officers didn’t show up at local polling site ‘til 11am, even though voting was scheduled to commence at 8am.
2. It took an age for peeps’ credentials to get verified.
3. Some folk who had registered couldn’t find their names on the master list so were asked to return at 4pm in order to vote. As a result some of these folk didn’t bother to turn up.
4. Some dude got to polling station and was informed he had already voted, i.e. someone had voted with his credentials. After kicking up a fuss about wanting to perform his duties as a loyal citizen of Nigeria the electoral officer relented and handed him another ballot paper. What about the ‘phantom’ vote that had already been cast? Nada was said about that.

While listening to terrestrial TV reports from, er, reporters - lol..man, I kill myself. Let’s see if I can keep this going for entire length of blog entry - ranged from “….although electoral officers showed up late no violence was recorded” to “….voters were forced away from this area and we can see the electoral boxes being stuffed as we speak”. Reports from good ol’ PH confirmed that 2 police stations were torched and 7 casualties recorded. In Ondo state the deputy governor was alleged to have been found with ballot boxes and promptly arrested. Yup, just another day in a nascent democracy.

Okay so we expected these issues, what solutions does Tunde the future president of Nigeria proffer to improve the electoral exercise? I’m glad u asked that dear conscience of mine, ‘cos like most of Nigeria’s problems the solutions are hardly byzantine.

Firstly, if the head of the national electoral body is truly non-partisan then folk are bound to have a modicum of respect for the electoral process. Needless to say y’all musta heard about machinations by the ‘independent’ electoral commission to disenfranchise certain candidates that were bound to create problems for the ruling party in some states. For instance, in Lagos state photos of some gubernatorial candidates were ‘mistakenly’ left off the ballot paper. On TV an old lady was shown asking for the party of some candidate whose face was left off the ballot paper, and she was deceived into voting for the incumbent’s party.

Next, tweak the electoral act so independents are allowed to run. Other suggestions include carrying out voters registration exercises on weekends as well as weekdays; prosecute – and publish names of - anyone found guilty of electoral malpractice and ban such folk from holding public office; allow polling results to be counted and announced at each polling station; and set limits on duration of electoral tribunals.

Quite simple solutions, no? Easily implemented as well. To convince the government to implement my first suggestion the opposition’s banded together, and some have suggested that the presidential election planned for Saturday 21st April be postponed until they are satisfied elections will be conducted in a free and fair manner. It’s about time those guys got their act together.

In other election I followed closely – the 2004 US presidential election - I learnt if u keep hammering same message, whether true or not, and appeal to folks’ emotions (fears in this case) most folk will vote u in. Problem with this is truth will eventually out and ur political party’s bound to pay for this in the end.
In this election I learnt the following is required to make an impact at the polls:

1. A catchy campaign slogan or radio jingle:- The ruling party’s candidate in the Lagos gubernatorial race had this radio jungle that I can’t get outta my head. What made it worse was my brothers (Jide and Kinzo specifically) were doing a song and dance of it, and so whenever I think of them the song starts playing in my head all over again.

The jingle encourages the electorate to, er, elect (lol….I kill myself) said candidate ‘cos apparently no one knows Lagos quite like him. The ff exchange ensued between my brothers and I:

Tunde: Lol…please u guys, quit singing that song. No one knows Lagos like him, huh? I betcha bus conductors know Lagos better than that dude. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.
Jide: U see that’s where u are wrong. I heard dude used to be a taxi driver b4 he went into politics. So u see, no one really knows Lagos like him. Ha.


Turns out dude didn’t quite know Lagos as well as he thought ‘cos he lost by a wide margin.

2. Nice, snazzy campaign poster:- Visited my neighbour Lisa and asked whom she would vote for. “I dunno, I think I’d choose the current deputy governor. Man, that dude’s fiiiiinnnnnneeeee as heck on his poster.” And she ain’t the only one who thinks this way! The average American woman in the ‘60s voted for JFK ‘cos of his good looks.

3. Political thugs:- This worked a treat in some parts of Oyo, Rivers, Delta, Edo, heck in most of the states of the nation. Thugs make most folk scared to show up at the polls so one can stuff ballot boxes to heart’s content and declare to have won in a landslide.

With these pointers there’s no need to bother having a party manifesto or a concrete message for the electorate. Problem with this is ur mandate becomes iffy….but do u really care if ur mandate’s dodgy? I mean it worked for George Bush for two terms and us Nigerians usually get bored after a while – a case in point is our electoral tribunals that go on and on like the Energiser bunny. In reference to blatant rigging of these elections a mate said, “Us Nigerians love coping, managing. If our rights get trampled on we holler and froth at the mouth for a few days and then say, ‘Wetin man go do, but cope? God dey sha.’ If u push a typical Nigerian to the wall instead of harnessing all his energy to fight back dude’d rather break the wall and run away”.

Problem with iffy mandates as well is no one trusts whatever drivel spews outta ur mouth. Take simple statements like, “This is a do-or-die affair” or “We plan to win most of the states and dash a few to opposition parties so they feel part of the democratic process”. In the lips of George Bush (or Karl Rove) the opposition would consider ‘em fighting words; however, in the lips of Obasanjo or PDP chieftains the opposition (and rest of Nigerians) regard statements are clear proof that plans to rig the elections are afoot. Lol.

Obasanjo declares a 2-day public holiday to enable folk “prepare for elections” and same folk insist it’s dude’s Machiavellian tactics to avoid his estranged vice president’s case from being properly heard by the Supreme Court. “We don’t need this holiday!”, Nigerians tamely protested. Yup, these are same folk that rejoiced when government declared a public holiday after the national soccer team won a prestigious tournament. Seriously, if u want folk on ur side as president of Nigeria declare a public holiday every other week.

So who would I have voted for if I had been registered? Dunno, but it’da been anyone but the ruling party. Why? Let’s just call it the What Have U Done For Me Lately syndrome. Sure, they deserve commendations for reducing external debts, banking and telecoms reforms, and making my life much interesting by arresting Alams and leaking news of his tummy tuck. Lol…man, such good times. However, I live in PH and the power situation is atrocious and that’s what concerns me most. In fact, during my 10-day hiatus in Lagos there was total blackout, except for:
• 1 hour on the eve of the elections. Almost like a Hello, remember me? I am e-l-e-c-t-r-i-c-i-t-y!!!! Vote the ruling party in if u wanna see more of me message.
• 1 hour on the day of the elections. Hi. It’s me again, don’t forget to vote for the ruling party if u wanna see more of me.
• Through the night on the eve of my departure. Hi. Here’s a giant F%$k U to show u what u don’t have in PH.

Additionally, wouldn’t have voted for the PDP punks ‘cos of mad traffic leading up to my crib in Lagos. Indiscriminate parking of trucks hauling petroleum products is such a huge problem folk have been known to walk home while leaving their drivers to saunter thru the traffic. The day I arrived in Lagos I took a cab from airport and got to bridge leading to my crib @ 9pm. Fortuitously, saw mom’s driver in traffic so dropped off luggage in car and walked home with mom. This dude didn’t get to the crib ‘til 1am. That’s 4 hours for a drive that normally takes less than 2 minutes!

The way OBJ and INEC have connived to bar political opponents from polls has also not done much for the cause of the ruling party. What no one’s thought about is if OBJ kicks the bucket today VP Atiku becomes president, and dude can postpone elections, ensure PTDF becomes his piggy bank, and declare a one-week public holiday to mourn death of his predecessor and impending death of his main opposition. Lol…hey, the guy could be clairvoyant. U must admit that’d be an interesting scenario though.

So going back to what I stated earlier about solutions to Nigeria’s problems being somewhat uncomplicated, I’ll now answer questions posed by Ms. May on how to improve the lot of Nigerians.
Hey Ms. May, I didn’t forget thee, just that I’d to come up with answers myself after I got tired of waiting on my lone campaign adviser – yes, the vulcanizer – to return from his 2 month holidays. When he gets back moi and the vulcanizer need to air (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) out our issues. Am I forgiven? Cool. Oh yeah, as promised I’ll attempt to keep answers concise and ‘serious’.

Ms. May: What would your solution be to the crappy system of education in Nigeria?
How would YOU propose to even BEGIN to solve the problem of lack of infrastructure in Nigeria?
Besides education and infrastructure, what do you think are the other major problems in Nigeria, and how would you propose we solve them?
Would you be open to developing a truly social arm within the government that works to develop programs to get the homeless/beggars/child workers off the street in Lagos especially?


Thank you Ms. May for those penetrating, insightful questions. Nigerians as a people are quite accommodating and are willing to give one a chance so long as they feel they are not being shafted. The major problem with infrastructural decay is we feel by throwing money at things the problem is solved. No accountability, and mixed-up priorities.

Peep this, the government’s reason for selling off some federal apartments was to create a Diaspora Village, u know with all the accoutrements that folk in Western world have. This way Nigerians who have lived abroad can return to their home country without experiencing much discomfort. (Hey, maybe we’d even create a support group for these folk!) But when they leave their cushy accommodation they still gonna b stuck in same ol’ traffic, caused by same ol’ crappy road, and might be robbed in traffic like same ol’ Nigerians. Moral of the story is: Go to the root and all other stuff will fall.

More folk die on roads than airlines yet we don’t have reforms for the road network….ooops, just discovered my response is anything but brief. Sorry. So here’s my attempt at brevity for a few problems:

Land network: Public-private partnerships should be used to fund roadrepairs. U’d even charge tolls on intercity roads. Tolls can be used to maintain roads, street lights, etc. Stimulate investment in railways and waterways by granting tax breaks, as was done for first 5 years of telecoms sector. Alternate sources of transportation will lead to a reduction in….

Traffic: Have specific roads set aside, or set times for large haulage vehicles to operate. Severe penalties (prison time and fines) for repeat offenders who flout traffic laws, especially concerning indiscriminate parking. Oh yeah, no sirens allowed….ever! The more government bigshots suffer in traffic the more likely they’ll seek a way to end road traffic.
I know it’s a Nigerian thang but we gotta reduce number of hawkers on the streets. The other day I saw some dude selling secateurs and hammers in traffic. Who friggin’ buys secateurs in traffic?! At dusk what’s to stop the dude from using same tools to rob folk? At most, license those who can sell in traffic. Yup, license ‘em.
Establish industrial zones that will help encourage improve urban and regional planning. If time spent on the roads is reduced then folk are more likely to spend time with their children and take more active interest in their….

Education: Applaud the current government’s Adopt-A-School programme. We badly need investment so no need to fear we selling our souls to corporations who could then encourage our students to use their products, as some drinks companies have been accused of doing in the US.
We could encourage further interest in this scheme by rewarding companies involved with perks. More, if they could get their staff to donate their time by teaching a few classes – I would be keen on stuff like this if it was encouraged by club’s management. High-performing students could also be offered internship positions in such companies. Vocational institutions and other centers of excellence for the sports-inclined should also be developed. Where would we get teachers from? The NYSC programme baby. If interested, students could also be drafted into the….

Police: U know how u watch those TV shows and li’l American kids are asked what they wanna be when they grow up? If that show was transplanted to Nigeria think u’d hear any kid proclaim, “I wanna be a policeman when I grow up”? Exactly. Give the police a sense of pride by providing proper training, upping their pay and providing proper welfare benefits for themselves and their families. That’ll go further into improving morale than changing the color of their uniforms every other decade. This way half the robberies on our roads will be reduced and they can concentrate efforts on ridding the roads of…..

Beggars: Hey, ever wonder how beggars get from their places of abode to the streets and back again? It’s a grift I tell u. Okay I know some folk beg on the roads ‘cos they have no choice, but don’t think it’s the government’s responsibility to cater for them. That’s why we African, we look after each other. Know how much was raised in refurbishing the central mosque in Abuja? Know how much churches take in every Sunday? Accounting books of religious institutions and NGOs should be made available to the public. To retain their tax-free status these institutions should establish social programs that have a direct impact on the populace. The most government owes these institutions is to provide oversight responsibilities and…….

Power: U know what, forget all the points I raised above. Solve the energy issue and all the others will fall into place; almost like the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon theory. Yeah, I like how that sounds, Tunde’s six degrees of energy supply hypothesis. Think I am kidding? Okay, let’s take a situation, any situation….er, traffic. If electricity supply’s constant, or at most consistent, most folk would stay indoors and roads would be less packed.
Militancy in the Niger Delta? Folk wouldn’t bother with guns if they are busy watching West Africa Idol.
Ethnic xenophobia? We don’t bother with that when we busy supporting same footie team, hopefully, Arsenal.

I’d go on and on……ooops, appears that I have done just that. Hope this satisfies u, Ms. May. Do I have ur vote now? Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Hey, just occurred to me that as Saturday’s election day there’ll be no movement. How am I supposed to get fed? Hmmm, maybe I’da bought that cooker when I had the chance.

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