Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Tunde's Book of World Records

Hola peeps. Día de Valentines tardío feliz. I am sorry for the silence. See, spent/celebrated February 14th dancing for a bunch of women in the club. Not exactly what I woulda loved to be doing, but it’s job. Another reason for the delay in posting this blog is the Academy Awards. Yup, award season is upon us and been busy trying on outfits for the Oscars. I’ve been nominated for a li’l known independent movie. The movie’s so li’l known that I’m probably the only one who’s seen it. Ha Ha. Actually, I am going to the States for a few weeks in order to test my theory that Arsenal always does well when I am outta the UK, or er, Nigeria….well, they always do well when I’m away from my primary country of residence. After their last performance against Real Madrid I owe it to them to do all I can to spur them on.

So what’s been happening? Since we last communicated the Grammys took place. Only memorable thang was the tribute to Sly & The Family Stone. It was crazy hilarious seeing the looks on the musicians’ faces as Sly left in the middle of a joint geddit? performance. Man, if u ever doubt the ill effects of drugs – once had a girlfriend who did cocaine in front of me and tried to convince me it wasn’t addictive; as if – just watch Sly’s performance. The dude musta thot, “I need the exposure for the Greatest Hits CD I’m about to release, but not this bad. I mean what am I doing around this punk (Will-i-am) with bad taste in clothes? Even when I sniffed anything I’d get my hands on my vision wasn’t as blurred as this dude’s clothes are making me.” I honestly believe volitant Mr. Will-i-am is the half-brother of Jamiroquai’s Jay Kay. They both dance like they are constipated and someone made it worse by shoving a broom up their arse. Those dudes just can’t help dancing, which is cool and all, but I am sure it pisses off their respective partners. Reminds me of a mate of mine in the States, only dude I know who gets to clubs early so he’d dance and dance and dance. Girls have been known to leave the club with chaffed skin after accepting his offer of a dance.

Speaking of mates, everyone’s getting hitched!!!!!!!!!!! And when I mean everyone I mean mates who I thot would never settle down. Few blog entries back I told u of a mate Tony who has a knack for making peeps laugh, even those who’ve been thru crazy tragedies. Well, Tony’s hitched already. I mean I’da paid a king’s ransom to be at his wedding just to observe his mannerisms when the officiating minister asks him to recite his vows. Good ol’ Tony. I wish him (and his new family) the best.

Another mate’s getting hitched to a motivational speaker even though, like the story of most women’s lives, she couldn’t stand him initially. Man, dude must have some mad skills in convincing her to take the plunge. I can just imagine, “U can do it! Conquer the tiger in u, say yes. Say yes! Say yes to my marriage proposal….” Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Got a call last night from a chick I once chilled with and she’s getting hitched in a few months as well. U’da heard how buzzed she was about her impending nuptials. U hardly find men buzzing as much as women about weddings…..wait, that’s wrong. Attended a wedding in January and this dude was the happiest groom I’d ever seen. Dude was dancing and smiling ear to ear. Maybe he’s on to some deep secret the rest of the wedding party hadn’t the foggiest about. “Yup, I am married to her now and that punk who tried to steal her from me doesn’t have a chance in heck…..especially since I killed him and served his flesh to these greedy folk. Now I can feed my shoe fetish…..man, cannot wait to try on her shoes when she goes outta the house….man, joy o joy. Those pumps she’s wearing now would sure look nice on me…….”

Even Miguel wants to get married, but unlike those mentioned above he doesn’t have a partner. Poor dude. This is the only dude I know who doesn’t have a particular taste in women. Miguel would go after anything and maybe that’s why he finds himself in this dilemna. After wasting his chances with different chicks, NOW he wants to settle down. Bet that drug-dealing rasta chick with a bad case of halitosis is looking mighty attractive to u now, hunh Miguel?

Almost a year now and ‘mate’ who owes me 400 quid has paid 80 quid into my account and promised to pay more. Got tired of calling him and decided to ignore him. Guess he felt weird after not hearing from me for a few months……or maybe he was secretly hoping I’d passed away…hmmmmmmmmmm. And the moral of the story is? Heck, if I know. How’s about, “don’t lend money, just give what u can afford to lose..”? Yeah, that sounds about right.

While reading the Guinness Book of World Records some really tanned dude caught my attention. Turns out he’s the world’s oldest stripper and took up stripping at 60 to recuperate from an illness. Hmmm, just occurred to me that everyone wants to be unique, u know set records and stuff. We all wanna be first; first man on the moon, first dog in space, first Chemical Engineer in Nigeria, first female president, first (among many) corrupt politician. I bet y’all I am the first Nigerian stripper who left the UK on Feb 14th 2005 and is currently typing a blog with a patch over his left eye, one arm tied behind his back and a blunt up his nose. Beat that if u can.

After discovering the tale of the oldest stripper I’ve been practicing my act more in front of the mirror, and u know what? My six-pack’s amazing! I friggin’ love it. If my six-pack was a woman I betcha I’ll be married by now. Ha. Anyways, I’ve got a tip for y’all on how best to improve ur abs: starve urself. Serious. Since I’ve been fasting - for Nigeria, and to have a whole page dedicated to my stripping accomplishments in the Guinness World Book of Records - I’ve seen my abs develop more. That’s a free tip for y’all.

Met some dude about a job and he’s been playing hide and seek. Have a feeling the job’s no longer available – u don’t say! – but don’t get why the dude won’t tell me that to my face. Maybe he’s scared I might slash his tyres like I did the last dude’s that hired me to strip for his wife, but refused to cough up the dough. Hey, u need a violent steak in this business.

Yup, Feb 14th made it a year since I left good ol’ Blighty for Naija and don’t regret the decision. Well, just a few things still bother at me. Miss leaving the house at anytime of the nite to get a meal…here, I am mostly worried about getting robbed if I leave my crib in the wee hours. I miss family, especially my nephew. Cannot wait to see how much he’s grown and if he still remembers moi. He’d better; else I’m giving his gift to a random stranger. Ha.

Political news: Good ol’ Republican Scrooge (aka Dick Cheney) finally offered a gift to all Democrats and stand-up comics (a tautology, perhaps?) by accidentally shooting a hunting buddy. With friends like these…..

A coup was aborted in The Philippines and President Arroyo has declared a state of emergency there. Still peeps lined the streets to protest alleged corruption in her government. Peeps in Nigeria who recently protested the still-unconfirmed 3rd term bid by our rulers were tear-gassed and arrested by the police. Good ol’ democracy, huh?

Govt here still insists on electronic voting in 2007 elections…..sure, when most of the electorate don’t even know how to use computers. So far, Indian and Brazilian firms have demonstrated their ‘tamper proof’ electronic voting machines. If so, why aren’t these machines wide-spread in their countries? If we gonna use e-voting machines when’s the govt gonna enlighten/sensitize the electorate about this? Bet it’s just another excuse to siphon public funds on crap projects when money could be better used elsewhere (a la the Alaskan ‘bridge to nowhere’ when good folk of New Orleans were told there was no funding for the levees. Maybe it’s time Don McLean wrote to a sequel to American Pie…..not to worry, not all of y’all will get the latter part of that sentence, and u know what, it’s okay. Trust me, it is. Ha.)

Back to voting machines the Nigerian politician advocating for e-voting machines declared, “only a genius can break into them”. Hey, did I tell y’all I am the first GENIUS Nigerian stripper to leave the UK on Feb 14th 2005 currently typing a blog with....(see above)? Bring on the machines, I say.
But seriously, use of e-voting machines caused a minor uproar before the last US election as it’s been demonstrated how easily they can be fiddled with - see one of the older Articles Of Interest To Moi….oh, u thot I’d make it easy for y’all by writing out the exact link? U wish. If we’d get machines that print out voters’ choices then I might go for that, only after a mass sensitization campaign though.

Recently, a state governor started a monthly radio show in which he asks, nay begs, peeps to call in order to ask him questions. At first only selected journalists were allowed to ask questions and later, us mere folk were deemed worthy enuff to do the same. Anyways, some dude called in, identified himself - big mistake as u’ll read later - and asked the governor about the status of one of the yet unfulfilled campaign promises. The governor, who used to be in the military, lost his rag and railed not only on the dude, but all those from that area of the state. Worse, dude got picked up by the police later and was questioned as to who ‘sponsored’ him to ask such a question. Dude was released only after some youth stormed the police station threatening to cause havoc if he wasn’t let go. As if that wasn’t enuff, he got accosted on the street by thugs who tried to beat him up, and he and his brother were again arrested by the police. Was released after earlier mentioned youth group showed up again. U gotta love this ‘democracy’. Read the governor has rendered an apology though.

So will people-power ever take place in Nigeria or Africa, like it did in Ukraine and Tirgistan? Not sure, ‘cos us Nigerians are wont to settle. Almost as if our day’s not complete if we don’t complain about our crap leaders. Even worse, our religious institutions genuflect before folk who are clearly corrupt, just so they can have a piece of the pie.

This got me thinking about something novel. Yup, I am the first genius Nigerian stripper who left the UK on Feb 14th…(see above)…to have a novel idea. How’s about we have a free newspaper like The Metro in the UK where peeps’ grievances against the government can be aired? This way the good folk at the top cannot say they don’t know what our problems are. We’ll also have quarterly magazines that track promises made by politicians and rate how they’ve performed. I reckon the problem with politics is it’s not transparent. If one really wants to make a change then let the public know what u are doing, we’ll understand. We are now so jaded that when we hear politicians chronicling their achievements in the news media we turn away. For instance, I’ve forever wanted to see my local government chairman to complain about the damn trailers on the roads and the scrap metal, etc. Don’t even know how to get in touch with him……

Other Naija news: Y’all musta heard about riots in various countries over a cartoon depicting Mohammed as a terrorist. Even Nigerians got in on the act; at least 20 peeps have lost their lives over this. Sad. Some good news has come outta this though: the makers of South Park have decided not to solicit the cartoonist’s services. Ha.

Bird flu’s been discovered in a number of states here. Man, whatever next, cassava crops being attacked by mutant locusts?

Work news: Currently on training to improve my grifting skills while dancing. I can’t wait til next week when we learn about planting subliminal messages in clients’ minds. A dude from the tobacco industry’s teaching the course.
‘Cos we’ve been bought over by a strip club franchise we are now forced to consider applicants who wouldn’t normally have the guts to come within 10 miles of the club. The other day some dude came for an interview dressed like a clown, literally. Apparently, that’s his “act”. Anyways, when asked to dance the dude starts doing a mix of the Running Man and a Country-Western jig. Can u believe it? Even worse, the clown was hired ‘cos the representative of the new proprietors wants a more diverse workplace. U what? This dude’s 10 times as bad as Paula Abdul at giving criticism. ‘Cos of this new take on diversity we’ve also had to employ a dwarf who extinguishes fire with snot from his nostrils. Joy o joy.

Entertainment news: Busta Rhymes’ bodyguard was shot dead during a video shoot, but no one, even Busta, has come forward with any leads for the police. Probably ‘cos they don’t wanna be called snitches. Cool. I’m Li’l Kim musta been celebrating in her jail cell when she heard. So the next time u hear rap artistes whine about the police not solving Tupac’s or Biggie’s murder u have my permission to smack ‘em upside their heads. The wannabe gangsta punks.

Saw The New World starring Colin Farrell last week. Ouch! If that isn’t the crappiest movie ever made – yes, even worse than Revolver – I don’t know what is. It was a real looooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg snoozefest. Nigerians pay a tidy sum to watch movies in the cinema and u know a movie’s real crap when peeps walk out half way into the movie. Man, I still can’t believe I wasted over 2.5 hours of my life on that movie. Terence Malick had better wait another 10 years to direct a movie…..and even then I am not gonna see it.

Okay peeps, off to buy a mirror to gaze at my six-pack some more. Tot ziens and God bless.

Update on scrap dump…nada’s been done. Spread the word peeps, spread the word! Actually discovered the local govt chairman’s office. Got there about 8.30am last Friday and was told folk in his office do not show up til about 10am (even though they leave the office at 4.30pm). Guess I’ll have to keep chasing him; he’ll be the Hulk to my Mr. McGee. Doubt if he can turn green when angry though…..well, I am hoping he can’t.

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