Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Can't we all get along?

Hola peeps. So u’ve read some of Julio’s experiences from the States. Bloody funny, huh? Man, when he told me I laffed so hard I nearly wet myself. Come to think about it, I actually wet myself. Thank goodness I was trying out a diaper when it happened - long story.

So what else’s been happening? Since the last time I blogged Bush’s been re-elected, Fallujah’s been ‘liberated’ and the black players in the England team were racially abused during a friendly match in Spain. If u read my “Articles of interest to moi” blog then u probably know how I feel about the former two events. One thing I’ll say though is that I don’t believe in coincidences. Everything happens for a season and God instructs us to pray for rulers and those in authority (1 Tim 2:1-2) and that’s what I’ll do. That doesn’t mean I won’t alert y’all to incidents I feel strongly about though. Believe me I’ve had numerous contentious conversations with my Xtian friends about Bush, but I believe that’s the beautiful thang about Xtianity: we all might have different points of view but………..….oops, I’ve forgotten what I was gonna write. Anyways, if u’re interested in knowing how I truly feel check out an article that perfectly articulates my frustrations with the Bush presidency. Read it here.

Yeah, a mate who’s getting married sent me a link to his wedding website. Go ahead, check it out and sign the guestbook. It’s real cool to read about folk that truly love each other. Almost made me propose to Miss Jolie, but I scratched that plan ‘cos during the Spain vs England friendly she kept asking me if her bum looked fat in various outfits she was trying out. After the sixth time I might have said something along the lines of: “No ur bum doesn’t look big in that dress. It’s naturally big. It’s so big J.Lo probably has assassins looking for u right now. Guess she doesn’t like a little, or should I say large, competition.” Turns out she didn’t appreciate my compliments. Let’s just say that we are going thru a transitional period, which, in Tunde-speak, means that we aren’t talking. Hey, what u gonna do?

Okay, so back to the game. The fallout from that game still continues and I read last Friday that the Spanish Football Association finally released a statement condemning the fans’ treatment of some of the black England players. U see the lighter-skinned (mixed-race?) ‘coloured’ – man, I hate that word - players were not heckled as much as the darker ones. Why? Dunno. Maybe it’s an inherent gene that causes Spanish fans to distinguish between ‘black’ and ‘really black’. Hmmmm, maybe it’s the same reasons why some really dark African folk bleach, sorry, I meant tone, their skins.

Must commend the English press for highlighting this despicable behaviour. I’ve read countless articles from British and European journalists and only few of the Spanish ones criticised the action of their fans. A while back when the coach of the Spain team tried to motivate one of his players by calling one of the guy’s clubmates a “black shit”, a unique perspective was offered by an English reporter who resides in Spain. He maintained that the Spanish public were more shocked by the English public’s reaction to the incident than by their coach’s, erm, motivational skills. Why? He offered a number of reasons but the gist of it was that for a country where football’s virtually a religion youngsters are wont to repeat what they hear from adults at football terraces, and the only line that’s probably never crossed is one that’s based on religious blasphemy. He went on to give an example of a comparable atrocity committed by a British manager – he called the Spanish ‘untrustworthy’ – and the little attention paid to it by the English press. U can read it here. His article about the recent Spain vs England controversy can also be read here. It’s quite interesting.

Another case in point is when England played Germany some time ago and a particular tabloid used WWII references to describe how bad the English were gonna thrash the Germans. That incident seemed to be ‘accepted’ by the British public as there was no public outrage after the paper was published. I don’t get it, but like I intimated in my last blog, it seems bigotry has various degrees and each person/society deals with it differently. It’s been almost a week since the Spanish incident, but it still dominates the papers over here. U really wanna tell me that the press don’t have a stake in letting this story run and run? B4 y’all start slinging Uncle Tom remarks my way let me state that I don’t condone the actions of the Spanish fans who chanted racist remarks. However, there has to be a point where we draw a line under the whole scabrous affair. Race relations are always gonna be a problem and it’s gonna continue if our political leaders, or those in charge of football, only offer trite rhetoric to sate public outcry. So what can the common man do to stop such racist/xenophobic remarks? I’m glad u asked. The first step is to buy my new book Tunde’s 1001-step guide to race relations. I’ll offer u a sizeable discount if u agree to cook a meal for me.

Seriously though, let me give y’all examples from my life: A few years ago I was walking down a street in Bradford when an Asian kid about 8 years old ran past me and shouted out the N-word. Instinctively I raised my hand and was gonna smack him when I remembered that I was in England and would probably be arrested for such an action. It can’t be the kid’s fault as he surely musta heard it from somewhere, I thought. His parents perhaps? Now I’m seething and looking for a way to relieve the boiling anger I feel inside. All of a sudden I see this gorgeous Asian girl across the street and she smiles at me. I approach her and she gives me her number. That did it. Boiling anger? Vamoose. I called her a few days later, we hooked up and the rest, as they say, is history. That turned out to be one of my most interesting – her father threatened my life whenever I called her on her home phone – relationships.

My point is u gotta find something positive to nullify the negative. If u are white and a black guy assaults u, talk to a black friend about it. Don’t have any close black friends? Don’t fret. Think of other black people that have made u happy over the years. For example, think of how exhilarated u felt the first time u saw Michael Jackson do the moonwalk. If u are black and a white guy assaults u, talk to a white guy about it. If u have no close white friends think of actions by other white people that have made u happy. For example, think of how u laffed and laffed when u saw Michael Jackson(!) dangle his baby from the balcony of that German hotel. Don’t u feel better now? Now go buy my book!

I’m off to apologise to Miss Jolie. Reckon a mirror would be a perfect please-take-me-back gift? Wish me luck. Tot ziens.

Almost forgot. If u are Arab and a white guy (or a black guy, or a Latino guy) assaults u, don’t fret. Just take down the name on their military uniform, fly to Qatar, and tell Al-Jazeera how much better u’ve felt since ur country got ‘liberated’……and don’t forget to give a shout-out to the officer who assaulted, sorry ‘educated’, u.

Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, November 19, 2004

Muy mal

¿Usted cuenta con realmente un saludo? Soy enojado, muy enojado en el mundo. Yes, it’s me Julio. Y’all forgot about me, didn’t u? I’ve read all about what that crap ass punk Tunde has been saying about me and just wanna tell u that I’m gonna get him back for telling y’all about my business. So I went to Hollywood, so I wasn’t the second coming of Will Smith, so bloody what? I’ll have y’all know that millions of people have also tried to break into Hollywood and failed. But unlike the others I have ‘insider’ stories to tell. Y’all are probably wondering why I left a lucrative job as a male stripper for a chance to be a bit-part actor in soap dodgy American soap. Well, I didn’t even manage that. The Hollywood establishment wouldn’t even gimme a break. I thot I was Da Man ‘cos of my washboard stomach and my Adonis features. When I got there I realised that even the street bums are better looking than me. That town’s harsh!

So when did I decide to give Hollywood a go u are wondering? Well, one day while entertaining an octogenarian at her home – I was performing the patented Julio flip, in case u were wondering - I realised that I can’t do this forever. I decided that if talentless nobodies like Britney Spears and Madonna could make it then so could I. Of course, I’d reservations about this decision so I decided to talk to someone I thot was my friend. Yep, u guessed right. It was Tunde. Here’s an excerpt of the conversation we had (it’s written verbatim ‘cos I taped it. I’d hoped to play it during my Oscar acceptance speech. Fat chance of that now.):

Me: Oi, how come it took u so long to pick up the phone. Need to talk to u about something. I’ve decided to head off to Hollywood to pursue my dreams of being a singer/actor/director/producer/celebrity stalker.

Tunde (laffing so loud I wish I’da punched him if I was close enough): U serious? Nah, u can’t be. I’m sure u’ll be good at stalking celebrities ‘cos goodness knows I’ve lost count of the number of restraining orders u’ve received. But the acting thang ain’t where ur talents lie, except u wanna go into the porn industry that is.

Me: See what I mean. I try to seek ur opinion and u do this. Just so u know, it was my shrink that recommended I ‘reach out to someone’.

Tunde: U see a shrink?! U’re actually worse off than I thot. Okay, okay I’m sorry. So u wanna act. That’s cool with me. I don’t understand why u have to go to the States though. Why can’t u try out for some acting gigs over here in the UK?

Me: U are kidding, right? Forget about what u read in the media. The British Film Industry is like a virgin in a hospital maternity ward: it’s nonexistent. The day I knew they’d lost it was when, a few years ago, some tabloid trumpeted the arrival of a ‘British movie tipped to win lots of Oscars’. U know what that movie was? Gladiator, starring Russell Crowe. Yep. They reckoned it was a ‘British’ movie ‘cos the director’s British. See how sad that is? I’m sure if Julia Roberts started dating some accountant whose grandmother happened to be British the press would hail it as a boon to the hallowed British Film Industry. Gimme a break, man.

Tunde: Yeah, I see ur point. How about starting slowly? Maybe u’d star in a few Nigerian movies. I hear the Nigerian Film Industry (aka Nollywood) is progressing in leaps and bounds. I’m sure I can find someone who’d get u an audition or something.

Me: If u drank alcohol I’d blame that for ur current lack of lucidity. U’ve been downing painkillers with mouthwash again? Nigerian Film Industry, my bronzed arse. Do I look like someone who plans to waste his time starring in movies with no apparent plot, zero production value and directors who think every frame of a cinematic climax should be shot in slow motion? Puhleese.

Tunde: Hey, I am just trying to help. And I take it u won’t try Bollywood?

Me: Huh? Thot u said America was far away, and now u want me to go to India?! U really are high, aintcha? They friggin’ shoot over 800 movies a year over there. How am I supposed to stand out in such a crowd?

Tunde: Well, u are Spanish and I doubt if they have any Spanish actors in India. U’d be…

Me: I’d be what? A friggin’ novelty? Do I look like I’m interesting in banging on drums and dancing in the rain to songs I can’t even understand? Oi Einstein, ever seen any English-speaking Bollywood movies? U know what, forget u. I’m off to LA. Have fun doing whatever it is that u do.

So there u are. That’s how I decided to take a chance at breaking Hollywood. The rest, as they say, is history. I got used and abused. To top it all off I couldn’t even finagle a TV appearance. Wait, I did manage one TV appearance, but it was on a hidden camera show. I answered an audition in a sheet handed to me by the guy serving me at McD’s - apparently, everyone in LA is an actor. Anyways, after doing my best Man-walks-into-a-room-and-says-hi schtick – it was a 5-second role – I was approached by a middle-aged lady with missing front teeth who said she was the casting director and liked my performance. She offered to gimme the role if I played my cards right. For ya’ll who’ve never been in the movie industry she meant that I’d have to sleep with her if I wanted the role. I know what y’all are thinking. I thot the same also……..before I actually experienced the lows and lower lows of Hollywood. I’d been so down on my luck I was willing to do this lady’s bidding. It was then that she took out her false teeth and told me I was on a new hidden camera show. Man, I’da killed her if I’d access to a weapon. Just my luck, huh?

My experience wasn’t all bad though. Like I intimated earlier, due to my advanced stalking skills, I got some ‘insider’ knowledge on what civilians (that’s actor speak for mere mortals like u who haven’t been in the industry) don’t know about their favourite stars. I shall be revealing these over the coming blogs. Right now, I’m off to go beg for my stripping job back. I hope I can still fit into those Velcro g-strings. O the shame!

Comments-[ comments.]