Monday, June 30, 2008

He confessed that it was love at first sight (of the results of the blood test)

Hola peeps. Conduje toda la noche para conseguirle.

Yo Parminder is scarred y’all. Remember past blog when I suggested asking folk pertinent questions b4 giving them a ride? Well, I’da asked this dude if he had extra human strength ‘cos he broke the door handle as he tried to open door on passenger side. That’ll teach me to help someone out the next time it rains.

It’s all good though I was thinking of trading her in anyways. Yes, Parminder we have had a good run but like all relationships someone’s gotta end it when the other party is no longer attractive. It’s not you babes, it’s me. Erm, erm I need to get myself sorted…erm, I don’t deserve u….not to worry u can tell ur friends u were the one who did the dumping.

While we on the subject of relationships Neo dumped me ended our relationship. It’s none of y’all bizness why but might as well tell all. Apparently ur fave blogger is missing a sensitive gene. Where’s Ralph Tresvant when u need him? She reckons I was taking her for granted by not showing much interest in her family. I tried to convince her otherwise but she had her mind made up.

Exhibit A: She knows the names of most of my nieces and nephews. Y’all know I ain’t too good with names, and more a ‘faces’ person.

Exhibit B: On my dad’s birthday she took his number and called him. On her dad’s birthday I told her to wish him the best on my behalf. Hey, I don’t do too good with parents.

Exhibit C: She travels to the UK, asks for my siblings’ numbers and gives them a call. I travelled to the UK…..It’s just that, well, I don’t do too good with siblings I’ve not met b4. At least she’d met my siblings before hand. It’da felt weird calling her sister and brother ‘cos I know they’da wanted me to visit and…..I’da called her siblings, shouldn’t I? Damn.

The above cataclysmic points were the major reasons she left me, or so she said. I pleaded, I grovelled, man, if I’d write a poem I would have. Normally I’d harped on about my positive attributes, but I could tell there was no changing her mind. I’da told her I didn’t know this family thang was so important to her; I’da stressed the fact that though names aren’t my thang I’d do better; I’da told her I may occasionally forget names but I remember exactly what she wore the first time we hung out, what she wore the first time we went to a wedding together, the way she styled her hair, what she smelled like….man, I’da called her siblings!

Oh well, time to blog on other stuff and hope it takes my mind off this here pain in my heart.

Politics: Nada like politicians to make the blood boil. First, let’s deal with the dictator du jour Robert Gabriel Mugabe. When u think he can’t get any worse he goes even lower. What the beep? At some point one has to wonder where his supporters get off. Killing, maiming, raping in order to keep ur fellow countrymen subservient? Cases like this make one wanna ask God to clarify His word about praying for rulers and those in authority. Someone please explain to me if it’s hypocritical to pray for God to touch our leaders’ hearts while criticizing what they do. I mean just ‘cos He says we’d pray for our leaders don’t mean we’d hush up when they act like buffoons, does it?

The world’s talking about Mugabe stealing the election so much I just wish the press would stop following each other’s lead like sheep and find another angle. Just like the US presidential race where I am so tired of non-statements getting amplified ‘cos there’s nada else on. I just want it to end. To help the global press get off their lazy butts I’m gonna suggest an angle to the Zimbabwe story that hasn’t been covered. Peep this: off all the foreign consulates in Zimbabwe why did Tsvangarai chill at the Dutch embassy? Is it close to his house? Does he, ahem, ‘relax’ best there? Is he dating a Dutch diplomat? Now those are the kind of stories I’d pursue if I had my own news station.

On a local tip the chief tyrant of Oyo state, Lamidi Adedibu, dies and instead of politicians singing the Yoruba version of Ding dong the witch is dead they weep and mourn and eulogize the dude. Forgive me here but wasn’t this the same dude that ruined the once great city of Ibadan? Same dude who publicly declared the ruling governor had to give him a share of the state booty? Same dude whose thugs terrorised innocent folk? Same dude in whose house was found ballot boxes yet Yar’Adua’s rule of law couldn’t touch him? I could go on and on. Yet our so-called rulers cannot speak the truth?! Shame on them all. Punk ass punks.

Maybe there’s a rule among politicians that with death comes a laundering of one’s reputation ‘cos how else can u explain the Adedibu nonsense and three shameless former heads of state declaring Abacha never stole a dime while in office. What ever next, Mugabe being hailed as a champion of human rights after he passes away? If that’s the way it goes then Hitler must have the worst rep ever. Maybe his descendants – hey, ever wondered why u never hear of Hitler’s family? That’s another angle I am giving the press. Yes, I am that altruistic – could hire a PR firm to help out.

In other news Angola has overtaken Nigeria as the Africa’s leading exporter of crude oil. Great news as far as I am concerned, maybe this will get Yar’Adua off his zzzzz ass and act, or at least show signs of life. The guy’s like one of them toys with a string that stops talking after the string is unwound. My name is Umaru Musa Yar’Adua. I must recite 7-point agenda, must recite 7-point agenda, must recite…no, no, not much fun anymore. Must change name….Hi, my name is Chucky and I’ll be ur friend to the end. Wanna play?

While we on the new news angle tip I was watching stories about Mandela turning 90 and there was an interview with his wife of 10 years who said she married him when she was 52 and he 80. I am sure it was love, but how do u say no to someone like Mandela when he asks u to marry him? Even if he wanted u to be his personal slave ur parents would give u the go ahead. It’s analogous to Steadman dumping Oprah. Never gonna happen.

Entertainment news: I see R. Kelly’s come up with a song to celebrate his Hair braider. This once again confirms Dave Chappelle’s belief that Mr. Kelly can write a song about anything. Let’s see if it was me would I write about my cab driver, my okada driver, my boli and fish seller, or maybe my penthouse maid? What woulda been real interesting if he had been jailed and released a CD afterwards? Songs lyrics like I wish I’d fly (over this jail fence); NOW I see everything wrong with a li’l bump and grind; My male hair braider in prison; etc woulda netted him a whole new fan base. If wishes were horses, eh?

In other news Vernon Troy (aka Mini Me) of Austin Powers fame is suing over a sex tape that got aired on the web. This one’s wayyyy too easy….

Warri news: Remember how I told y’all that being on new R.I.G. ruined my doddling pattern? Well, returned to same R.I.G. and bowel movements were back in sync. I hate to go on about doodling but there ain’t nada like it. Just left there – not to worry I washed my hands afterwards – and wondered how ace it would be if I had a sensor on my toilet bowl that would raise the lid automatically whenever it sensed my presence. Wouldn’t that just be ace? Saw some story about toilets in Japan that heat up toilet bowl and provide scents to hide offensive odours. My goodness, those Japanese guys think of everything, don’t they? That’s it, the next girl that gets me one of those as a gift is gonna be Neo’s replacement. Man, why can’t I get her name outta my head?

Strange but true news: A close female friend came to visit and we got talking about the US presidential election and she confessed that she believes Barack Obama’s candidature could signal the end of the world. I kid u not. Hear her:

A black man with a serious chance to be leader of the free world? I just don’t buy it. Yes, call me brainwashed, call me whatever, but that dude might just be the anti-Christ. No kidding. I know I am gonna make the rapture when Christ comes, but just in case I miss it I want the anti-Christ’s agents to work real to find me. Why do u think I ain’t on Facebook like the rest of y’all? Even my email addresses don’t carry my real name.

The last time I heard stuff that strange was from my best mate Mohammed about the AIDS epidemic. Dude still believes ‘til today that the HIV virus was concocted in a lab. Hmmm, unlike the weird Obama anti-Christ like this sounds more believable. Think about it: malaria is caused by mosquitoes, u could get food poisoning if food isn’t cooked properly, some STDs u initially get by seating on unclean toilet. Those I get; how did the HIV virus come about? U know what would be another interesting news angle, instead of talking about the AIDS crisis reporters should investigate who the first AIDS patient was. While we on that Nigerian reporters could dig even further and find out who the first corrupt policeman was, who the first lying ass politician was, we could go on and on. If that was shown on TV I betcha Neo would wanna watch it….ooops, there I go again.

PH news: Been a while since I had visited Casa de Tunde in PH so when I got off the R.I.G. on Thursday decided to head out there. As Parminder ain’t in the best of health I travelled by public transportation and shoulda known something was off when the bus had to be jump started. Trust folk in the bus to complain: So with all the money wey una dey make una no fit buy battery? I just dey pray make this bus quench for road make u see who go help u push am? Typical Nigerians, opening mouths but ain’t saying nada. The passengers knew if push came to shove they’d have to, ahem, push - Geddit? Geddit? Aw, forget yous - the vehicle to start.

That wasn’t even the highlight of the trip. That honour goes to an argument between some old guy and a big boned chick – who looked big enough to bully me in primary school - that was seated behind him. Girl kept threatening him to “sit well, don’t relax as I can’t relax as well….if u don’t obey I’ll move u”. Driver was forced to park the car and old dude explained his problem. “U see the girl is erm, healthy so she’s complaining that way I sit is affecting her. It’s not as if I didn’t pay the correct fare…” The issue was resolved when a skinny dude swapped seats with The Lady of Rage.

Got to PH and was greeted by insane traffic. Nada’s changed, eh? In Warri they busy putting up street lights everywhere, in PH infrastructure’s still derelict. I don’t know, man. At least the night life’s still kicking. Went out with married mate and other peeps and suspect married mate’s chuffed anytime I show up ‘cos he uses that as an excuse to step out on the town. My suspicions were confirmed when other PH peeps showed up and greetings ranged from “Who give this guy exeat? I sure say u jump fence” to “William Wallace abi na Kunte Kinte make we call u?”

Was a good night out but fear everyone’s leaving me behind. Peep this: Attended a course in 2006 with married mate, but then he was still single. In fact there were 9 of us single guys on that course. Now six of them – seven if u include married – are either married or engaged to be married. Now only other single dude in the crew has been spotted with the same chick for four outings in a row. This is same dude who used to come with a different woman each time we hang out. Gulp.

Was scared I might be the last single guy in the club until one of the so-called engaged guys came to nightspot with someone that didn’t look anything like his fiancée. Later William Wallace informed me that, erm, erm, well let’s just say if Tuface Idibia sang about dude’s ex-fiancee it’d involve lyrics such as I can’t believe she’s NOT a virgin/Lots of guys have been up to her and there was LOADSA compromising… Enough said.

While in PH neighbour had invited me to a music festival, and thank goodness Spidey Hookup sense was on full alert ‘cos declined and discovered later she has a friend she KNOWS would be ace for moi. Laffed and told her about Neo. Of course then I didn’t know that Neo would u know….sob sob. Anyways if I did I probably woulda declined still.

Peeps, I can’t do this anymore. Let’s agree not to refer to u know who ever again? Deal. I am off to go listen to some sad love songs by the likes of Babyface, Brian McKnight, Ne-Yo……man!

Tot ziens and God bless.

More new news angles: To y’all Nigerian readers, ever seen two lunatics fighting? Could it be they got a union or franchise like Crispy Crème that u can’t have more than one in an area? I need to know these things……okay, I need to get a life.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, June 16, 2008

Can’t a brother buy some cake for himself?

Hola peeps. Libere en el último. ¡Libere en el último!

Off to R.I.G. tomorrow having cleared my bowels of junk. Hmmm, might try colonic irrigation someday…nah, maybe not. Forgot to mention in last blog that folk I am collaborating with on a new revue are Chinese. Of the ten or so of them only two speak English, and little at that; but since dance is the universal language we’ve found ways to set the dance floor on fire. Man, u’d see this choreography we working on. Don’t have a name for it yet – I suggested ‘R.I.G. Move’ but peeps think it’s unoriginal - but it’ll blow y’all minds.

R.I.G. news: The Chinese guys are quite friendly and one of the English speaking ones told an apocryphal tale about a cell phone in China that is so hi-tech one charges the battery once a year. One thought crossed my mind as he uttered that statement: Bollocks. I know dude’s just trying to be friendly and his antics reminded me of the dude in charge of the tuck shop back in FGC Warri. Paddy was his name and holding on to students’ change was his game. This grown man was in charge of store where boarders would purchase provisions and for some inexplicable reason he never had the correct change. That dude musta bought a car on all the ten kobos – then staple snack of soft drink, bread and groundnut cost ninety kobo – he stashed away.

If that wasn’t bad enough Paddy would try to ingratiate with students. This might be urban myths but here are some of Paddy’s greatest hits passed on from generation to generation.

1. Some senior students talking about how they messed up in their WAEC exams. Paddy comes by and commiserates. “I know how u feel. I’d be in university now if I had passed English in JAMB. I forgot my four-figure table – Maths guide book used in place of a calculator – at home and that’s what messed me up”.

2. Students gathered talking about designer outfits. When one dude mentions the new leather wallet his brother had copped Paddy exclaims. “Wallet, abi? I have it. I have a glass wallet!”

I thought I’d forgotten such episodes ‘til I walked passed the communal bathroom on the R.I.G. For some reason the smell (stench?) of the place took me back to the not so halcyon days of boarding school. I started hyperventilating, thinking I was back in a place where every move was dictated by others. Oh man, getting queasy now thinking about it. What’s the use of having a shrink’s number on speed dial if ur network subscriber is so crap its default voice prompt assures u the number u called five minutes earlier doesn’t exist anymore. Aaarrrggghhhh.

One positive thing about this R.I.G. experience is there’s a Bush bar. These are establishments run by women who follow the land R.I.G. from location to location providing services a normal bar would. U can call them the R.I.G.’s guardians if u choose. At least I don’t have to climb the helideck to see women in canoes sneaking to the military houseboat.

Club news: I usually refer to antics of club clientele all the time and hardly ever delve into characters I work with (off the R.I.G.)….until now. U see I arrived from vacation to find desks, loadsa desks empty. The club management had informed us a while back they’d have to get rid of some folk due to the rising price of oil; yes, baby oil. This staple of the male stripper industry for yonks has gone up in price dramatically in the past year, and for a while us working men were forced to provide our own supply. We did this grudgingly for some weeks and then we contacted our NAMED (Nigerian Union of Male Exotic Dancers) rep, Mr. Hamed, who clarified the company was impinging on our rights.

We tried to go on strike but most of the older guys chose to accept the club’s generous offer – full pension and free tuition for one relative to attend the exclusive Stripper school in Holland – so we called it off. Gonna miss those guys. We shared some good times and good stories. I wonder what they would do now, I suppose consultancy is it. I know one of the dudes whom we nicknamed Martha Stewart – taught us to pour talcum powder in g-string before every performance – is on his way to the Middle East to check out sites for a new academy. I wish him the best.

Man, we gotta thank God for every opportunity we have. Dunno what I’d do if I wasn’t busy everyday. I suppose stuff would come up, but would not like to get up in the mornings for stuff I wouldn’t enjoy doing. For instance, who would wanna be that hype man on the And1 Mixtapes. How many friggin’ times can one man say “oh baby……oh baby” going on 8 years? If he really enjoyed his job he’da come up with another catch phrase by now.

Relationship news: A colleague had a party for his daughter’s 1st birthday yesterday. As we were driving there mate tried to pick up some chick but I convinced him otherwise. After a brief stop for ice cream we get to venue of party and see someone rocking the dance floor like she was Beyonce. Yup, same girl we saw on the road earlier. Dude then vents his fury at me for convincing him not to do what he really wanted to….like I held a gun to his head. Anyways, this raised an idea – yes, my brain works that way - the next time I see someone in need of a ride I’d stop and ask them to show me some dance moves to see if they worth picking up. Better still if I’m driving far distance and I need company I’d ask the individual to provide a 2-minute blurb on their thoughts about a pressing issue, the global food crisis for instance. If they make a cogent argument they in, if not they gotta wait for an okada or something.

Later that day I spoke to a friend who ends every sentence with, “..and get a man”. ”Oh I just wanna go to the supermarket……and get a man!” or “Me? Just going jogging so I can look trim…..and get a man!” She’s one of my fav people ever, and call her up whenever I need a laugh, and vice versa. She calls and I discover she’d just consoled one of her friends who got dumped, so she needed a pick-me-up. After our ten minute conversation best we’d agree on is that all relationships are hard work. Hear her: “Best line I can think of is Jennifer Aniston’s in Rumour Has It where she tells Mark Ruffalo, ‘I didn’t come here to say I cannot live without you. I can, but I don’t want to.’ U see, that’s reality. Some people don’t get this. Told my friend that when couples are on the verge of breaking up and guilty party gets off high horse and confesses they can’t live without the other, it behooves the offended party to be humble. If not, it’ll take time but guilty party will eventually meet someone who’d make them wanna live, live, and live yet again. It don’t always end like When U Think Of Me by Eric Benet. If the song continued - heck maybe Eric might write a sequel since he can’t come up with a hit nowadays, a la Eddie Murphy trying to resurrect Beverly Hills Cop franchise – u’d find that chick in question would cry for days, weeks even, for losing Eric. But then she’ll dust herself up, plaster some makeup on her face, and go out on the town…and get a man!”

Sports news: I swore not to write about sports after Arsenal and San Antonio Spurs officially ended my hopes of a championship – I know the Colts didn’t win but since a Manning took down Belichick in dramatic fashion it counts as a pseudo-championship – this season, and not to talk about sports ‘til August but the EUROs got me buzzing. Did I ever tell y’all I am half-Dutch? Well, I am now.

After a pitiful World Cup they playing like the Dutch of old, and winning too. Even Boularhoz is justifying his inclusion in the squad. Better still they wiped the floor with Materazzi and his highly uninteresting bunch and they exposed Gallas for the punk he is. I never said anything during the season in order not to jinx the Gunners chances but season’s over so I am allowed to vent, right? Good. From one French captain who Kobe’d his teammates to another whose contribution to the side was his crap hairstyle and his frequent rantings to the British tabloid press. If Gallas had spent more time improving his game and less on his coifs Arsenal coulda been double Champions. No wonder Wenger’s considering removing him as captain. If I had my way I’d ship he and Eboue off to Portsmouth or Birmingham or another Arsenal dumping ground. Woosah….woosah…

Haven’t had the time to play golf since I returned from vacation ‘cos of commitments at the strip club. No rest for the talented, eh? Instead I have been playing vicariously through Tiger Woods and his surgically repaired knee. Did y’all see his put on the 18 last night to force a tie? Ice water must run through his veins.

Speaking of veins, recently discovered martial arts classes are being conducted close to the penthouse. I know veins have nada in common with martial arts, but non sequiturs are a dying art and….okay u got me, I’m just grasping at straws here. I am definitely gonna sign up for those so the next time I am kept waiting at airports for no discernible reason I’ll be able to whup ass like Jason Bourne. To get into character I’m gonna drop some bleach in my baby oil lotion – yes, I use baby oil to keep my skin supple, got a problem with that? – so my skin whitens over time like Bourne’s. Yup, if Michael Jackson can develop a skin condition in adulthood so can I peeps, so can I.

Haven’t had the opportunity to go jogging either - hey, jogging and martial arts are both forms of exercise! - but squeezed in some time for pumping iron, and muscles ache like mad. U know how it is when u haven’t strained muscles in a while? Well, it’s worse. Think I am joking? I am currently typing this blog with only two fingers while lying on my side in bed…in the nude ‘cos it hurts to try and wear clothes….with a hot water bottle propped under arm so armpits wouldn’t stink as much ‘cos it hurts to shower let alone lift arm and apply deodorant…..oops, now mosquitoes are having a field day on my back but can’t shrug them off ‘cos it’d ache to do so. So what if I contract malaria, my chest looks buffer than ever so I don’t mind.

Tot ziens and God bless.

B4 I published this went for a stroll and chose to pee in loo by the reception. Walked in just as some dude groaned, “Oh shit” from one of the cubicles. Almost doubled up in laughter and was tempted to give a witty riposte, but I know how serene one expects their doodle experience to be. Yes, I am that altruistic.

Another non sequitur here. Saw a riveting documentary, Black Magic, about black basketball players and coaches and evolvement of the game pre- and post-segregation. Woah. At the end of the movie when one of the pioneering players recalled all that had happened – Jim Crow laws, black coaches not being granted opportunities to coach at white schools, etc – dude said, “Black people are generally forgiving, so I don’t get why we had to go through so much. I’ve heard people say, ‘God uses that to test u’, but test us for 200 years? Why that long? Okay so if He’s testing I wish He, someone, anyone could tell me if I passed or flunked the test.” That brought a tear to my eye.

Comments-[ comments.]

Saturday, June 14, 2008

All pics I have seen of mate’s girlfriend are of side profile. I feel reckon she might be like Mel Gibson in The Man Without A Face

Hola peeps. Las cosas pueden conseguir solamente major.

Pssttt, I am hoping this is a fast blog ‘cos well, u see, erm, I am not supposed to be in my Warri penthouse right now. Got drafted to the R.I.G. last week and u’d think I’d be happy right, seeing as I had missed the place? No siree. Well, initially I was chuffed even after discovering I was being sent to a new R.I.G. on land, but after a few days I knew I had to break out of there ‘cos I wasn’t myself. Dunno if it was the food – surprisingly good, though no scrumptious desserts – or the absence of surrounding murky swamp water, but something had to be responsible for my lack of doodling.

Y’all know how I love to doodle, it’s almost a putative Tunde trait. In fact my doodling’s like clockwork everyday….A Clockwork Brown u might say. Geddit, geddit? Aw, forget yous…but since I went to the R.I.G. a week ago nada has dropped outta my cute derriere, hence my escape. I am hoping that my returning to a familiar setting might trigger some….uh, erm, where was I again? Yup, I hope the smell of my room, the feel of the Egyptian cotton sheets, the…uh, uh….sorry peeps, I gotta go sit on the white throne. FINALLY!!!!!!!

Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Sunday, June 08, 2008

All my mates are also going bald. Yippee.

Hola peeps. Es hora de conseguir serio.

Just got outta the loo and it’s the third time I’ve been today. Dunno what it is but fear my tummy complaints from Enugu might be making a comeback. Yup, was at Enugu a month ago on the firm’s new “outsourcing” program and lodged at Enugu’s best hotel. Everything but the food was kosher (Geddit? Geddit? Aww, forget yous). I’da known something was up when the waiters kept pushing me towards the fish. Try the fish, sir. It really is quite good. Now here’s where my paranoia about being on my very own Truman Show comes to the fore again. Of the eighteen of us – we were performing for a delegation of governors’ wives and their friends – that stayed at the hotel only yours truly developed runs. It was so bad I beat my personal record by mounting the white throne nine (9!) times in a 24 hour time span.

Normally I drink loadsa water and let the runs take their course ‘cos I don’t like drugs. This time, however, ‘cos I was having such a, ahem, shitty day I sought out the hotel medical personnel and took six giant white tablets. Man, still have nightmares of those drugs. I kid u not, they were the size of ice hockey pucks. Oh the pain, the pain.

‘Cos of my condition I didn’t join the last performance and good thang too ‘cos heard those ladies were more tactile than an amorous octopus seated beside Roger Clemens at The Hired Hand. Instead, spent the day rushing from bed to the loo, and watching TV, mostly CNN. Maybe it was the dehydration but saw those tourism commercials in a new light after that day.

Let’s consider our options for most pointless commercials, shall we?

1. Croatia: We are shown the usual sweeping shots of vast landscape and interviews with the residents, harping on about how Croatia has hardly changed over the years, with some buildings going back centuries.
So it’s my fault y’all don’t wanna modernize, huh? If I want an Amish vacation I’ll stop by.

2. Egypt: A voiceover informs us that Egypt offers us her most precious resource, and it is……wait for it…..the SUN.
The friggin’ sun? I have the sun in Nigeria. The sun shines everywhere in the world! On some good days it even shines outta my derriere so why would I leave my country to experience the sun?

3. Malaysia: By now we all have the whole ‘Malaysia, truly Asia’ song stuck in our head.
Think they can improve on tourism numbers by accentuating the good looking women they have – if those back at Bradford are anything to go by. It’s not fickle, trust me. I saw a Miss Universe as a 6-year old kid and have wanted to visit Guam every since.

4. South Africa: A vineyard (Voiceover: no, not Italy). A fashion show (Voiceover: no, not Paris or Milan). A car assembly plant (Voiceover: no, not Japan). A billionaire’s playground with yachts and other accoutrements (Voiceover: and if u think this is Monaco, u are mistaking. South Africa! The land of ….).
Now, this advert I liked; though felt they missed out on a few scenes. They shoulda shown a dude getting car jacked with the requisite voiceover, ‘and if u think this is South Central, Los Angeles….’ or folk getting torched by a mob with a voiceover, ‘and if u think this is Kenya or Sudan…’

Must say none of those commercials hold a flame to the vexatious Nigeria one where OBJ, in his inimitable style, welcomes all to “Nigeria, the heartbeat of Africa”. Someone please pass me the sick bag.

Maybe I’d start my own ad agency by putting out plain honest stuff like folk in that old Dudley Moore movie. Until then I m stuck with colleagues who’ve taken to calling me Sh%t man - no, not ‘cos of the runs. Peep this: A day b4 the loo dashes we were entertained to a field trip on coal deposits at Enugu. While navigating through the forest I pushed a branch outta the way and some insect sunk its teeth – hey, what are insect teeth called? Mandibles? - into my palm. Tried blowing it off but it wouldn’t dislodge. Waved my hands about, and still nada. From nowhere I developed Tourette’s. Sh%t man, damn it. Damn, what’s up with this insect? Shi%t man, damn… Anyways, after dislodging it I found it had drawn blood and that led to more outbursts. When I was done I discovered the excursion party had stopped, and were watching me with stunned expressions. How was I to know I was cussing out loud?

Any thoughts I had about this sobriquet dying down in a few days were dashed ‘cos club bosses heard about it and wanna include that in my act. Apparently they got the idea from a management consultant who advised them to think “outside the circumference of the pole”. My new act’s gonna involve me dressed as a sewage worker and….nah, it’s way too embarrassing to continue this. What sorta clients would be interested in this anyways, mysophilics?! Nah, the body that houses the ultimate washboard abs is not gonna go for this. No way, sirreee.

Not gonna bother fighting the name though as I learnt long ago that nicknames one ain’t too crazy about have a way of sticking. When I first attended boarding school I’d get in multiple fights daily ‘cos folk called me BOO. I didn’t care, tall, short, big, I’d fight – and often get beat – but I’d never back down whenever anyone called me that. A li’l history lesson: U see as my mom’s only son I was once the apple of her eye and she went all out to protect me. So first time I’m off to boarding school she hears numerous stories about newbies’ clothes getting nicked so she gets the tailor to boldly inscribe my initials on all school uniforms. As if that wasn’t enough she used nail polish – it was red, I remember – to inscribe same three letter words on everything from tin of milk to cutlery. As expected peeps who didn’t know my name called me BOO. The name stuck through out my 6-year stay there, and former classmates still refer to me as BOO. I doubt if some recall my name. There u have it readers… promise never to mention this again.

So how y’all been? Got up to anything exciting? Well, y’all already know what I got up to on my vacation. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that on flight back to Nigeria there was a deportee seated 4 seats behind. Dude was surrounded by four UK immigration personnel and he wouldn’t hush. Egba mi o, they are killing me o. See them, see them, they are pressing my head. I did nothing wrong…..that’s the problem with u Nigerians, they are killing ur fellow country man and u do nothing. Ask them, ask them what I did wrong. I am married to an Euro so I should not be deported…….egba mi o….see the handcuffs it’s cutting me o, it’s cutting me. See blood o. In case anything happens to me, let me read their names out to you….erm, erm, Cliff Hug, erm, ki lon pe, erm, Cliff se Hug-hes (sic) ni? Yes, Rebecca Fox…awon oloshi…won le ku re….help!!!

And the plane hadn’t taken off yet. Trust Nigerians, most folk opened their mouths but weren’t saying anything. This is despicable. That’s how a Nigerian was treated on British Airways last month. I can’t fly like this o. I blame our leaders ‘cos if the country was good no one would be fighting not to return. Virgin Atlantic would have to refund my money….

Kept thinking to myself, “When they gonna hand me the headphones? See what I get for flying coach? I wanna see the whole world, but not like this.” Though the immigration guys assured us dude would quiet down when we take off and he knows there’s no way to avid Nigeria, dude kept harping on and on. About 2 hours into the flight I decided to see if I’d have a word with the guy. Nope, apparently the famous Tunde charm don’t work on guys who are keen on not returning to Naija. Oh yeah, dude’s wrists weren’t bleeding after all.

More holiday news I forgot to share last time: Black people, what’s wrong with us? I mean u gotta respect America as a land that gives peeps a second chance, but surely not like this. Yes, I am referring to Flavor Flav’s Flavor Of Love. Only seen snippets of the show but one can’t help but ask if that’s how desperate we are for reality TV. Who comes up with such ideas anyways? I heard Being Bobby Brown was just as bad.

I’da known Flav’s whole black consciousness thang was a fad back in the day. I remember watching an interview with Flav on Yo! MTV Raps where Fab 5 Freddy asked if he gives back to his community. Yo, yo, yo. I am glad u asked that question homie. U see Flav ain’t like them other brothas who make some dough and forget his people. I give back, boing. Recently, I established a barbing salon in my old neighbourhood. Could imagine F5F thinking, “A barbing salon, ni&%a? Yup, that’s what brothas in the hood really need.” Almost like when a black comedian was quizzed about his love for strip bars. Hey, most of the girls there say they stripping to pay their way through college, right? Well, u can regard my visits as my way of donating to the United Negro College Fund.

Hear Flav’s got his own sitcom as well. Good on him. Did enjoy the Comedy Central roast of Flavor Flav though. Man, Snoop Dogg is really funny. Even if someone had written his lines he blurted them out with perfect timing. Funniest line of the night was directed at Carrot Top by….I forget who now. Commenting on Carrot Top’s new effeminate look, he said: “Carrot Top, u’d sue ur plastic surgeon. Never met a surgeon who adds a chromosome during facial reconstruction.” That killed me.

In last blog forgot to mention that the credit crunch’s hitting the airline industry big time. On trip to DC discovered DELTA now allows one piece of luggage. Got on the plane and they announced that we’d be getting a drink and a pack of peanuts, and encouraged us to feel free to bring along own meals next time we fly. I kid u not. That’s it, next time I fly I’ll make sure to get a middle seat so I can see the look on the air stewards’ faces when I whoop out my bowl of eba and okro soup.

If u think DELTA’s bad good ol’ American Airlines are so broke instead of looking for novel ways to attract customers they’re mulling charging for all pieces of luggage. Now if they are a no-frills airline I’d understand, but this is just ridiculous. What next, charge folk to use the loo? Hmmm….I reckon they’d lobby to fly to Nigeria and promise to charge folk cheaper if they choose seats retrofitted from the loo. They could advertise them as ‘deportation’ seats.

Relationship news: I got a surprise call yesterday, y’all. It was from the girlfriend-that-never-was.

For some reason I’ve never fancied any of ex-girlfriends’ close friends ‘cos girlfriends have always tended to be finest in their crew. Why settle for Solange when u can have Beyonce, right? However, there was this once, back at uni. Dated this girl who had the finest collection of friends ever. To cut a long story short, we broke up, and I sorta hooked up with one of her close friends. We knew we could never be ‘official’ ‘cos ex would be hurt and…anyways, I call her girlfriend-that-never-was ‘cos we were kinda in a relationship but without the labels. Oh yeah, she also had an ‘official’ boyfriend at the time. Was crazy hurt when GTNW and I ended things. Didn’t help that I was feeling Brian McKnight’s Back At One CD then. Played 6,8,12 over and over again after we, ahem, broke up. Honestly, I thought Brian wrote that song based on my experience.

So the chick called – we still keep in touch, call each other about twice a year, u know on birthdays and stuff like that – and was surprised ‘cos it wasn’t my birthday or nada. After exchanging pleasantries the ff ensued:

McKnight chick: So u still wanna get married?
Moi: Lol…why, u got an Indian chick for me?
McKnight chick: No, silly. I mean me.
(Stunned silence)
McKnight chick: Why, is it ‘cos I have three kids?
Moi (after recovering from shock): Erm, well it ain’t that. U know marriage’s supposed to be for life and….
McKnight chick: I love my kids and all, but I won’t lie I kinda wish we had ended up together…
Moi: Hey, I think of it too sometimes. I miss u bad sometimes it hurts. Guess it’s just the card we been dealt. U married now and maybe u having issues with ur husband but that too will pass…
McKnight chick: I don’t know, man.
Moi: It’ll be fine. Guess it’s only in the movies that peeps live happily ever after, huh? Everything’s all black and white in movie land, while in reality there are so many shades of grey.
McKnight chick: I guess. Can’t help but wonder though. Maybe if….oh, gotta go, my husband’s coming. Bye.
Moi: Aiight.

As I dropped the phone and slid the Brian McKnight CD into the laptop I couldn’t help singing along It’s been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours 9 years, 7 months, 15 days since u went away… Also couldn’t help feeling for her poor husband. This dude would probably never know how his wife feels about their marriage. And they say couples should share everything. I don’t think so.

Is that the way life is? In Hollywoodland I would write her letters everyday or maybe hold a boom box outside her window shooting out Brian McKnight’s greatest hits ‘til we sorted things out. In reality she would end up marrying another guy and I would jump in and out of relationships, genuinely move on, but still feel something for her.

It’s never plain black and white, that’s why relationships need work. That’s why it pisses me off no end when parents make bone-headed arguments for their kids to reject a loved one. Met up with a mate in the States who was celebrating his kid’s second birthday. Dude was sad ‘cos his dad hadn’t bother to enquire about the kid since he was born. Why? Dude married a girl his dad didn’t fancy. No, that’s letting the dad off easy. His dad had always suggested he marry from his local government area, so though his wife is a fellow Nigerian (from the same state) his parents shunned their wedding and have disowned the dude. If it ain’t race, it’s religion, tribe, hair colour, or some other natty excuse. When’s this gonna end? The future president of the United States of America is biracial, yet punk ass punks like that guy’s parents would let go of their bigotry. Arrgggghhhhh.

Makes u wonder what this marriage thang is all about – maybe that should be the tag line for the Alfie sequel…not to worry it’ll come to u…..EVENTUALLY – and if it’s worth all the hoopla (Lol…y’all can tell this is just another Tunde excuse to bounce ideas off y’all to see the most likely Chief would buy into). Is it just a massive build up of excitement that peaks with the wedding ceremony? Of course not, but that don’t stop women from foaming at the mouth when recalling how they got proposed to. (Almost as bad as peeps that regale u with what their kids get up to - see last blog entry). Oh, he’s so romantic he got someone to read out his proposal over the supermarket loudspeakers while he and his girlfriend were shopping…….My friend’s boyfriend flew her and her closest friends to Bermuda to propose to her….. The kicker happened during my vacation when a mate from ATL announced that a mutual friend proposed to his girlfriend of 8 years by taking an ad out in ESSENCE magazine. How’s one supposed to compete with that? I console myself with the fact that he didn’t get married to chick ‘til 2 years after the ESSENCE ad, maybe dude had spent all his funds on the ad. Babe, u gotta pick one: it’s either the engagement ring or a wedding proposal that will have ur friends talking for years.

For all the hype about proposals and wedding websites, among my married mates some still cheat, some still not “100% sure” about marriage, some act out issues in public – was at a bbq when a dude dunked on his wife during a basketball game. Either dude’s uber-competitive or his wife really pissed him off earlier that day – while others say it’s bliss and wish they’d gotten hitched sooner. So where does that leave ur fav blogger? Erm, erm, ain’t this wonderful weather we having?

Politics news: Nigeria: Yar’Adua and his peeps spent over a year in government and still nada concrete to show for it. I know we gotta give him time, but a year’s gone by and no unambiguous plans in place. If after 4 years no former political office holder is tried for the numerous cases EFCC have stacked against them then we can send Yar’Adua to Germany so he could be nearer his doctors.

Zimbabwe: There’s only so much one can blame the West for. It’s sad that….nah, too painful to think of it. If this were a Hollywood movie we’d blame Mugabe’s descent into madness on his falling into a vat of acid.

US: Clinton’s concession speech was impressive. No matter what she does most folk would still think it’s a calculated effort, but hey, she had to do something.
For all of Fox News’ rhetoric I still believe Scott McClellan’s book would come back to hunt the GOP. Bushies ain’t denying central premise of the book, just calling him disloyal, sad, and other unprintable epithets. I reckon they really pissed at him ‘cos what else they gonna write in their tell-all books when ‘Beam Me Away (until the election season is done)’ Scottie has said all?

Now that Obama’s clinched the nomination I still think the media is missing out on a story. (No, not Ralph Nader. Lol…who’d be Mr. Nader? Only news report he’s gotten was day, and day after, he declared, his intention to run for president. Talk about being sidelined.)
Here’s a hint: he’s resigned from his church! If he’s anything like me he’d visit a number of churches ‘til he feels it’s where God has led him to. Can u imagine when a pastor asks folk who are attending the church for the first time to stand up, and Obama rises to his feet? Lol…come on, I am sure I ain’t the only person who’s thought about it.

While in Lagos I saw an Obama car sticker (‘Vote Obama 2008 to change the world’) and an Obama Voters Society poster outside someone’s home in Ikeja. It says something for the power of multimedia (or are we just frustrated with the lack of intellectual discourse in our polities?) that Nigerians care more about Obama than their leaders. I would appreciate any ideas on how we can get our people more involved in caring about politics. Was thinking of a website that introduces folks to their representatives to Abuja, u know with their voting records, etc. Any attempt to make the democratic process more transparent might be the fillip required.

Entertainment news: Need to design a brand like Sex And The City. Golf And The City, anyone? Women around the world flocked to see it on its opening day. Mate in DC had to wait ‘til the 1am showing to catch it. Now that’s a loyal fan base.

Oh man, blog getting as long as last one. Okay I’ll stop after next section.

Warri news: It’s raining cats, dogs, emus, the whole works. And good thang cable went out – yup, one of the non-perks of staying here – ‘cos I might still be watching TV…and would have to dump an even longer blog on y’all.

Caught Hard Candy on TV the other night. Great story, great acting! Also saw Celebrity Rap Superstars. Oh man, MTV needs help. TV wasn’t meant to be this crap.

So what else did I get up to this weekend? Started working out and six-pack’s coming back baby!!!!

Munched on a cake left in the fridge and discovered a dead fly on top. Did I throw away rest of the batch? Um, as much as it kills me to admit I may have consumed an insect my sweet tooth prevented me from wasting the rest of it. C’mon, there’s a global food crisis going on.

I must confess, I am hedging ‘cos I am embarrassed at what happened on Friday. I am gonna type this real fast and then log off this computer. Peep this: So mates and I go to a bar that's next door to a nite club to chill 'til past midnight (when the club opens). Eventually secure a table and 15 minutes later some chick stands beside me and ff ensued.

Chick: That's my seat. Was here b4 I stepped out.
Moi: Oh. Sorry. Just wait, we'll be outta here in 10 minutes.
Chick: Haba. I'm gonna stand for 10 minutes?
Moi: Lol...okay my friend over here can lap u.
Chick: No, I want u to lap me.
Moi: Lol....sorry, my knees hurt.

Then, some dude on the next table gets up for her. Who says chivalry is dead? The guys there were obviously feeling her 'cos they offered her a plate of pepper soup (they ordered a small pot) and two bottles of Smirnoff Ice.

Don’t tell me this is what I gotta go thru for the duration of my stay in Warri. Arrrggghhh.

Tot ziens and God bless.

Think I got perfect tag line for Nigeria: Nigeria, where due to our thieving leaders power supply is almost non existent. Yup, every day is almost like Earth Day! I reckon the eco-tourists would flood in.

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I generate my own electricity, fix the road to my crib, and pay a security guard; I Am Legend Government.

Hola peeps. Merecí esa rotura.

How y’all been? Gotta apologize for my absence. U see ur fav blogger’s been real busy lately….busy relaxing that is. ha huh ha huh ha. Yup, I took a well deserved break to Obama country and now back in my penthouse in Warri all fresh and ready to entertain my clientele in my inimitable way…..okay, I lie. I am far from ready for the rigours of flexing ab muscles and all that. Guess that’ll teach me to return from vacation a day b4 work commences.

It’s currently raining here, perfect for zzzzzzzzzing. In fact I found myself napping while taking a dump – as if y’all didn’t wanna know that – and realized I am still in vacation mode. Took a shower afterwards and as I tried to practice some new steps in front of the mirror, while drying myself off, it dawned on me that only longstanding clientele would pay to see me now. Yes y’all, the owner of the world’s (used to be) greatest six-pack now has love handles that would make a Victorian tea pot jealous. Hey, I thot y’all knew I ain’t disciplined when it comes to holidays. I hardly have time for exercise ‘cos so busy, ahem, relaxing. On normal days I do about 80 pushups in the morning b4 heading out to perform. During my 3 week holiday think I did pushups only twice, and that was under duress. Not to worry though, gonna start my intense exercise regimen from tomorrow. Was gonna start today but it was raining and only time I’d run in the rain if say there’s a TV camera documenting my every move for a behind-the-scenes movie, TUNDE’s ABS: 8th Wonder Of The World.

I tried to be dedicated to y’all, honest I did. Tried blogging on the flight from UK to the USA but laptop battery died on me, and when I got to the States I couldn’t find – okay didn’t search for – an adaptor, and….hey, I was on vacation, give a bro a break! Just to prove I ain’t lying, here’s what I typed b4 battery took a dive like McClellan’s loyalty to Bush (I have taken the liberty to underline the sentences):

Blog title: Give (phone) credit to whom credit is due

Hola peeps. Amo a mi familia, pero éste es demasiado.

Currently on a plane to the ATL and it sucks, it bloody sucks. On this 9 hour trip they have showed The Bucket List and now 27 Dresses is on. What the crap!!!! I am crazy about movies, but not those. Didn’t even bother to strap on the headphones. To top it off I am crazy hungry and man oh man does their food stink. Next time I’m flying to the ATL I am either skipping DELTA or upgrading from coach. The air stewardesses are so old I swear I saw the one in First Class using a Zimmer Frame. And guess what? While returning from the loo I saw one of them quaffing down a tub of ice cream, while we passengers are starving. I am so famished I am forced to watch their crap movies to take my mind off my stomach rumblings. Do u know they still have those central TVs in the aisles where folk gotta strain their necks to watch what’s on? Man, if I gotta glance at Katherine Heigl’s gums one more time as she attempts to smile I’ll sue them for whiplash. Four hours and twenty three minutes and counting before I get off this joke of an airline…..

Can’t wait to arrive in the ATL though. Been way too long since I’ve seen Miguel and the rest of the crew, though most of the crew is married now. Yup, just Miguel left, still playing hard to get. Agbaya like him. Been over three years but I bet he’s still as punkish as ever. Dude had better have some asaro waiting when I get in - ‘cos that’s the only thang he was good at cooking – else he ain’t getting the cookies he ordered from the UK. Also looking forward to seeing my gorgeous coulda-in-law – she knows her guilty self.

Plan on visiting DC as well during this trip. Florida was gonna be on the cards but that’s gonna have to wait ‘til next time. Visiting the US is becoming too much of a hassle. First, the queues to get a visa, and it’s the only country I know where one’s advised not to padlock on luggage ‘cos “the security guys might wanna check for suspicious items”. Whatever happened to the X-ray machines utilized at other airports? I know it’s all about being security conscious but I don’t buy it. Last time I visited the ATL not only was my suitcase ruined in their attempt to ‘secure the borders’, but my fancy new pocket square was nicked. And how do I know this? ‘Cos it was still in its fancy pack when I placed it in suitcase and locked it up. I got my luggage after screening and it’s gone. Let’s just hope nada gets pilfered this time else, else, else….to be honest I can’t do nada, can I? Maybe I’d start planning less trips to the US until Obama becomes president. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Ain’t that just like a black man to think all of America’s ills would be resolved once Barack installs a basketball court in the White House? Reminds me of….(hold on, the air stewardesses are attempting to flog Duty Free items. Like I’d buy anything off this crap airline….)

Oh yeah, where was I? So got this mate whose brother is a lawyer in the US and….….(hold on, another film is being shown. It’s...lemme strain my neck a bit…it looks crap already. Wait, Lincoln’s just been assassinated and…oh no, it’s a Nicholas Cage movie. Why oh why do I deserve to be tortured so? Hey, they serving ice cream! Yippee.)

So, like I was typing b4 I was rudely interrupted by Copolla’s nephew, a mate’s brother is a lawyer in the US who met Barack b4 he became a Presidential nominee and took a pic with him. Now my mate reckons his brother might be scheduled for a political appointment (‘cos he’s black and once took a pic with Senator Obama?) I kid u not. Reminds me of time mate Mohammed saw a long lost friend at the old US Consulate in Lagos. When he asked chick what she was cradling in her arms she showed him a framed photograph she had taken at a party with the then US ambassador to Nigeria. So Missy, u actually think we gonna grant u a visa to enter the United States of America based on a photograph u took with Walter Carrington? Bi%&h, u must be smoking that stuff u put in ur hair. Get outta here b4 I nick that photo frame.

Family news: Spent a week in the UK where I got to see brothers Loye and Jide since they moved over from Naija for their Masters. Have sure missed them. Must say was greatly impressed with how they’ve looked after the house. When Ayo was there all there was in the freezer was sausages and chips. This time these guys had cooked and everything.

Highlight of my stay was chilling with my 4-year old nephew Zane; dude’s so funny. Hanging with that dude made me kinda, I said KINDA, realize why parents ‘bore’ us with mundane stuff their kids get up to. So if u are like me and can’t stand when parents mouth off about their kids’ ‘accomplishments’ u might wanna skip the ff bullet points.

• While discussing with in-law about a mutual friend called Michelle, Zane overheard and asked if we were talking about Obama’s wife. Apparently, dude believes he’s gonna be taller than his parents and uncles and wants to be “even taller than Obama.”
• Notice dude also has some of my mannerisms like how my pinky finger inadvertently goes up when drinking from a mug. Maybe it’s ‘cos we were both born with six fingers.
• While playing with phone dude asked that I take a picture of him ‘cos “I have a great smile”. Man, dude’s just as vain as his maternal grandmother.

Hmmm, now looking over the points above maybe I was a bit too hasty in bugging y’all with my observations. Whatever, it’s my blog so there.

Oh man, hate this flight. My trip from Nigeria to the UK was better. Saw my choice of movies, and some incredible acting such as Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood. Now contrast that with the rancid 88 Minutes I saw b4 I left Naija. Crap, crap, crap. Seems Al Pacino’s forgotten how to act. Maybe he’d take a note from DeNiro’s books (and Nicole Kidman as well)by starring in a billion movies a year to better hone his craft.

Uh oh, laptop battery’s dying, what am I gonna do with my time now? Don’t die yet laptop, don’t go. Laptop? Laptop? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Now y’all believe me? Good.

I’d be asleep but watching CNN as Obama’s basically clinched the Democratic presidential nomination. Currently reading Obama’s Audacity Of Hope and getting to appreciate some of the ‘grey’ areas in politics, not everything can fit into a sound bite. Now superdelegates are falling over themselves to endorse Obama, and worse of all, CNN’s best political team on television are tripping over their mics to convince us of the importance of the first black Presidential nominee by a major party in the US. It’s remarkable that Obama’s clinching the nomination exactly 200 years after slave trade ended….But wait, this is 24 years to the date that Walter Mondale put a woman on the presidential ticket and….No, even more significant is that Obama was born on the same day that… Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was born on the same day as Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, and so I work in an industry where I mostly walk around in my underwear, and so I’ve taken a toke off the herb once or twice, and so I rail against the establishment, but that don’t mean squat; it’s just plain coincidence, u don’t see me with a saxophone hanging from across my neck, do u?

Best thang about this night for me, apart from foxy Campbell Brown’s smile, is that CNN gets to retire their stupid election interactive board, at least until November. Oh wait, James Carville’s speaking now…hee hee, oh man, this feels so good.

Sorry where was I? Oh yeah, that waste of technology they call a board. Reminds me of grad school where a professor’s grant can only furnish him with a particular equipment, say an NMR machine, so ALL his experiments have to be designed around that apparatus. Same with CNN; they got this space age board and now they feel they gotta do everything with it.
Obama has just 6 delegates left to clinch the nomination, see what I am writing on the board, the number 6? Wait, news reaching us is that he now has 5. Lemme erase that and…u know what it’s almost like the song about green bottles on a wall. How’s about I draw 5 green bottles to represent the delegates he has left, and as soon as he gets each one we show the bottles crashing off this super board?

Woosah…woosah. So back to my holiday. Reckon it’s best I split the rest of my tale into the UK and USA sections.

UK goings-on: I gotta ask, when did folk change spelling of HOLIDAY to S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G? I pack only a traveling bag from Lagos and family asking if I ain’t gonna buy anything? Erm, it’s a holiday duh. Then I leave London for the US with a tiny suitcase and family wondering if I ain’t going shopping, what with the falling dollar and all. U what? Oh yeah, this vacation was real enlightening ‘cos think I have finally overcome my ‘overpacking’ issues. Yup, trick is to pack suitcase that’s just small enough to store the bare necessities. If u then discover there’s still space throw in trash like newspapers and stuff so family/friends/fellow Nigerians wouldn’t have an excuse to offer u “this little thing” to transport.

U know how when u get to the airport and they ask if u packed ur luggage urself and if anyone gave u anything to carry on their behalf? I reckon 99.9% of Nigerians lie when asked the latter. I reckon the authorities should place lie detectors at airports and select Nigerians randomly for questioning on the subject just mentioned. They’d then threaten that anyone discovered to have lied would be banned from traveling for a year. Trust me, that’d reduce excess luggage on flights to and from Nigeria. Oh yeah, while they at it the foreign authorities should also issue every Nigerian entering their country a weighing scale that should be returned on their departure. That way they won’t have any excuses for wasting everyone’s time by chucking stuff outta suitcase at airport in order to fit the airline’s luggage allowance. Okay, I’ll get off my high horse now.

Yeah, did I tell u almost all the clan was in the UK? When I booked vacation plan was to chill at the house with only Loye and Jide for company. After I copped the plane tix I discovered both stepmoms, Seyi and her family, Kinzo and his family, Kemi and Mama would also visit the UK about the same time. Talk about being unoriginal. If I wanted to spend holidays with rest of family I’da stayed in Lagos, innit? However, it wasn’t so bad, and reminded me of summer holidays back in uni when house was abuzz with everyone’s friends. Good times those were.

So what did I get up to in the UK? Let’s just say the relaxing part of my holidays happened in the US. In the UK one’s gotta see this family, see this friend, do this, do that. There ain’t no time for oneself. In the US on the other hand, peeps gotta drive everywhere so u don’t just bump into folk, and when they wonder why u didn’t come visit u’d always use the ‘no ride’ excuse. Perfect.

‘Cos of London stress couldn’t meet up with namesake – we share same first name and last name - who was 5 years ahead of me in secondary school. Day we were supposed to meet up was when I went to see Kinzo’s new baby boy in the hospital.
Yup, still cannot believe Kinzo’s a father; he’s the most unserious person I know.

How did I know namesake now resides in the UK? His sis got in touch with me via Facebook – at last something positive from FB. She informed me her bro who’s about 40 years old ain’t married yet. And there I was thinking my marriage phobia had something to do with the water in Bradford – ALL tight friends from Bradford days still ain’t hitched - now I realize my noncommittal stance could be due to a combination of my first and last names. Bugger.

Did manage to squeeze in some time with one of mates from Bradford though. While catching up on old times she indicated that a mutual female friend had come outta the closet. Woah, I remember sharing a kiss with same chick once or twice at uni, and got no inclination as to her, ahem, tendencies. Oh my.

Another highlight from London trip was looking after other nephew Nitor. Dude never went to bed early so when Seyi’s nodding off I’d cradle him in my buff arms and try to rock him to sleep. Never worked, dude would carry his head off. So one night while munching on chicken wings I offered to help out again and noticed he stopped crying when I stuffed a wing in his mouth. Call it teething, call it whatever, all I know is this genius blogger may have come up with an idea for a game show: Guess Baby’s Race. Y’all don’t get it? Hint: only black babies would hush when u use a chicken wing or pork products as a pacifier! With white babies u’d try celery laced with mayo. With mixed race kids, erm, erm, heck if I know.

Back to Kinzo, was ace seeing him acting all responsible and….oh yeah, forget Kinzo for now , I gotta ask y’all women out there at what point during a pregnancy y’all stop giving a hoot. Seems once women give birth they have no issues plopping out their boobs anytime, anywhere to feed their li’l ones. While Kinzo’s wife was feeding her kid I took a pic and later realized her side boob was captured. Threatened to put it on FB and she didn’t bat an eye. Pssttt, guys, got a chick u always fancied who’s now married? Go visit her after she just dropped one and u can see her assets in all its glory. U think that’s sick? Suit urself, urs truly is planning his next vacation based on when Angelina Jolie decides to pop out her next set of kids. She’d better not go the adoption route again or else……

US goings-on: Highlight of my trip? Relaxing. Daily regimen consisted of eating, watching TV (Law and Order reruns), sleeping, eating, watching TV (ATH and PTI on ESPN), eating, watching TV (CNN – chuffed to discover The Situation Room runs for 3 hours here), sleeping, ad infinitum. That was the life. Sure I got outta the house now and then, but it didn’t last long, I was like Dracula in sunlight.

Lowlight of trip? All the commercials, damn commercials on TV. I had forgotten about those. How many prescription drugs do these Americans need for goodness sake?

I know what y’all are thinking: what about the credit crunch? It’s only visible in how slow peeps drive on the highway. So gas is $4 a gallon? Whoop dee doo. It’s $9 a gallon in Europe but they ain’t complaining as much ‘cos their public transport is the ish.

Spent most of time in the ATL and 2 nights in Maryland. Gotta thank my fav bingo – she knows who she is – for showing me the sights and catering to my every whim. Babes, if u reading this I gotta confess I still dream of bread from that eatery. Yum yum. Also went to an outlet mall on Memorial Day weekend – shopping for Loye and Jide – and u’d not know there was a recession. Oh yeah, soldiers died for us but get a load of the price tag on this designer outfit! I am glad they died so I can shop. U’d see how happy people were. I reckon there would be no wars if PRIMARK opened stores everywhere. Maybe beauty pageant contestants had it right after all, u know about wanting world peace and all. Maybe we’d appoint them as our new diplomats. U sure u wanna build that nuclear weapon when u’d use the funds on Gucci autumn sales? I think not….

So arrived ATL airport on crap DELTA airways and Miguel wasn’t waiting with a bowl of asaro. Didn’t blow my top ‘cos was too tired after the crap flight, and the length of time it took to ‘escape’ from Hartfield International. Peep this:

After laptop died had to watch rest of National Treasure 2 while counting the minutes ‘til we arrived. Arrived Hartfield Int’l airport and it took over 2 hours after plane landed to leave the airport. I know there’s a need to be security conscious but this is overkill. So I get off plane and go thru immigration after queuing for li’l over 15 minutes. The usual questions, “what u doing here….how long u here for…..u really got a six-pack?” were offered and I headed for baggage claim. Picked up suitcase then queued for about 20 minutes to hand in that blue immigration form. When I got to the desk a lady asked for my passport then wrote a big ‘P’ (and circled it) on the blue form. Was then instructed to go to some other section, away from where ‘normal’ folk were headed.

Got there, handed passport and documents to another immigration officer and was told to take a seat. Looked around and there were eleven other peeps, mostly Asian.

Oh I get it, they see Nigerian passport and automatically think I’m bringing food into the country. Lol…I mean that’s gotta explain why no whites are here, right?

Spend about twenty five minutes there b4 I get taken to a room upstairs. There, my documents are put in a tray and I’m told to take a seat (again). Thank goodness I copped some magazines before I left Heathrow this morning. So I am reading some Newsweek article on how the credit crunch ain’t affecting the super rich as they now requesting new services that distinguish them from mere mortals like y’all – I still love y’all cheapskates though. Among things listed ($1m phones, etc) I am most impressed by bespoke perfumes. Ever walked into a smoke-filled air-conditioned room? I have loved that smell since I was a kid. Now that’d be the sorta cologne I’d have made.

Got tired of reading and decided to look across the room. Again, no white folk present; just blacks and Latinos, mostly Latinos. I still didn’t have a clue what I was doing there. I look around and notice the only other black guy is smiling to himself. Dude then belches, laughs out loud, and repeats this for next five minutes, all the while looking at me.

Uh oh. I knew I’da watched that bootleg Season 3 of Prison Break. Okay, try and act hard. This is obviously a mistake but what if they think I am someone else and end up throwing me in a cell for the night? I’m too gorgeous to go to prison….

Thoughts of karate-kicking the dude were erased by other goings-on in the room: some dude was told he’d have to go back to his country ‘cos his school don’t resume ‘til August; immigration officers were stumped as to what to do about two old Latinas seated next to me. Turns out they twin sisters bearing same name. “Their mother musta been real unoriginal to call her twin daughters by the same first name”, said one of the officers. It took another half an hour for my name to get called. Was handed my docs and told to go back downstairs for processing.

Get back to where I was initially held up and the Asians have been joined by a Latina (whose cleavage makes Janet Jackson look like a nun) and some Latino who for the life of him cannot understand why he gets pulled aside by immigration every time he travels. “No way u can tell me this is random. Maybe I’d stop traveling and stay at home. This is bull&*^%.” Amen, brother, amen. Hand my docs to an officer and was asked why the dudes upstairs didn’t process me. U what? Now I was getting close to losing it. “Y’all kept me for almost an hour and still dunno what’s going on?! C’mon.” It took a lady officer to calm me down. Who says flattery, especially comments about my six-pack (was wearing a tight fitting t-shirt), won’t get u anywhere in Tunde’s books?

Lady takes me back upstairs and while there they discover it’s been one huge mistake. She apologizes, smiles - u’da seen her dark gums - and hands me passport and rest of documents. Phew! Okay time to leave this place and…..oh no, another queue. First, crazy queues at the US Consulate in Lagos and now queues to get outta airport.

Had to drop off luggage (again), queue (again) for another 25 minutes, go through a metal detector, walk a bit, then take a train to claim luggage (again). U know what, it’s too much stress to visit the US on holiday. Think it would take a while b4 I return here, whether or not Obama’s running the country.

So there. That was gist of my trip and loved it to bits. Woah, this blog is loooong, innit? Sorry peeps, it’s called a holiday, duh. Tot ziens and God bless.

Just realized there was another blog I forgot to finish. Promise not to make it as long as this one.

Wait, y’all thought I’d sign off without giving u the lowdown on Miguel? Tsk tsk tsk.

Got to the ATL and discovered:
All mates married, except Miguel
All mates having kids, except Miguel
All mates putting on weight, except Miguel
Oh yeah, dude’s going bald as well. Yup, a perfect holiday.

Miguel’s fav channel on cable? One that highlights goings-on in ATL, especially information for singles. Was I right or was I right when I told y’all dude’s pic should appear next to the word DESPERATE in the dictionary?

One night woke up to find dude chatting on a Singles Forum on one laptop while registering for a Singles night on another. Why couldn’t he use one computer for both? In my groggy state I told him he had lost his calling in life, he’da been a DJ ‘cos the way he moves from one laptop to the next is reminiscent of a DJ spinning records. Dude was so pissed at this ‘truth’ he flung a spoon at me and I now have a scar on hitherto perfect forehead like Harry Potter.
(Speaking of Harry, any of y’all read the final book? Haven’t read any of the books but wanna know if dude died at the end or what? I know Miss Rowling swore y’all to secrecy when the book was released but it’s been over a year now. Someone, help me out…..I promise to type one-page blogs from now on.)

Miguel, sticks and stones spoons may break my bones but my protean talents cannot be diminished by one little scar. Might even come in useful to frighten folk if I ever end up in the hands of the US Customs officers.

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