Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Alamieyeseigha? Nah, more like Allow Me See Her. I badly need to see the pic of the transvestite governor.

Hallo peeps. Achtung! Achtung! Die Dieb ist entgangen! Yup, Bayelsa State governor, DSP Alamieyeseigha (yup, had to look that up) escaped dressed as a woman using forged papers. In a sign proving chivalry is officially dead and buried the dude left his wife, who’s also charged on money laundering charges, in the UK. Hey, he probably has loadsa mistresses to keep him busy. Maybe he’d marry the one that suggested he get a tummy tuck ‘cos it musta helped in his disguise. Ha. He musta looked like some ugly ass woman when passing thru customs though. Speaking of ugly ass women there’s this billboard on way to work that used to inspire me…….operative phrase is used to. Anyways, first, they had this good-looking chick on, then 2 good-looking chicks. Was driving to work yesterday and noticed they’d changed the pic. Get up close and see the new billboard chick looks like a man; a classic case of, ‘good from far, yet far from good’. Must be the first ad I’ve seen where a transvestite’s being used as a symbol of sexiness for a heterosexual populace. The person in charge of that ad campaign should be fired.

Back to that criminal governor. Y’all remember when I mentioned the white-guilt thang, well it musta had a hand in his escape. Peep this: a black mate once used another’s rail card to buy a train ticket. Time for check and the train inspector looks at the rail card, looks at my mate, looks at the rail card, looks at my mate again, hands him back the rail card and moves on. A cursory glance at the pic on the rail card would reveal that my mate could never be the owner. I mean the guy who owns the rail card and my mate looked so different even Stevie Wonder woulda noticed. Almost like looking at a pic of Jamie Foxx and mistaking him for Jimmy Walker (JJ from Good Times). The white train inspector probably was afraid to say anything for fear of being called racist or picking on black guys….and don’t come here with the trite statement, “black guys look alike to white peeps” ‘cos it’s mendacious and white peeps know it. They just use that as an excuse when it suits them. If u were referring to Asians from the Far East, ah hah! That’s a race of people who really look alike…..Ha huh ha huh ha huh….just kidding folks.

So anyways the white-guilt thang musta aided that embezzler in leaving the UK as the white or Asian customs officer mighta been nervous about asking this ugly ass black woman to step aside for a search. Can u imagine if he asked her (erm, him, erm, he-she) if he/she was really a woman?! The sad thang about this is that all Nigerians are now gonna be regarded as potential thieves. Don’t be surprised if u see a separate line for Nigerians at international airports now. U can be sure most countries will use this incident as an excuse to perpetrate all sorts of rubbish on us Nigerians. God help us. Maybe I’da taken that fat (sorry big-boned), single-toothed chick’s offer - a massage in exchange for a green card - in the States……..nah, I’da had to spend more bucks than I already am on shrinks. Man, that woman was so ugly she’da given Freddie Kreuger nightmares. Okay enuff digressing.

Man, feel real sorry for the people of Bayelsa State and Nigerians in general. U’da seen the crowd that welcomed “our governor”. The streets were teeming with peeps and the stupid punk thanked the peeps for their support and said, “God brought me here.” Man, so glad God’s not a man. Hmmmmm….maybe when he wakes up in a British jail in a few days – the Met has applied for an international warrant - he’ll not forget to give thanks to God for sending him back. Peeps, I am real tired. So tired of complaining about this country and our undying lust for money. If it’s not sycophants with 3rd term agenda it’s criminal governors with li’l regard for their people. Maybe God allowed that punk to escape to thwart any 3rd term bid by the president. I mean if the president extends his tenure then the governors have to do the same. Please someone, anyone, gimme ideas on what to do. Just so tired of complaining. Need to make a change. Actually considered running for political office, but that’s not for the immediate future. Need to make money on my own so I’m not accused of siphoning public funds while in office. Only way I can think of doing something positive in the naer term is having a satirical broadcast on radio or TV, lampooning our leaders and their actions/inactions. Maybe a mix of Spitting Image, Saturday Night Live and The Daily Show. Believe me I’ll have enough material to last a lifetime. Hmmmm…..now just to get that broadcast license…….hmmmmm, a pirate radio station maybe? Hmmmmm……well, while I’m hmmmming and hawing tell me what u think of these sketches for the Tunde Show:

1. A classroom scene.
Teacher: How do you spell the name of the governor of Lagos State?
Pupil A: T-I-N-U-B-U
Teacher: Good. Now how about Ogun State?
Pupil B: D-A-N-I-E-L
Teacher: Good. Now how about Bayelsa State?
Pupil C: A….
Teacher: (screaming) Wrong. Anyone else?
Pupil D: A….
Teacher: Nope. Anyone else?
Pupil E: T-H-I-E-F
Teacher: Excellent. Alternate spellings could be K-L-E-P-T-O-M-A-N-I-A-C or C-R-I-M-I-N-A-L

2. An audition for a Nigerian spy movie.
Director: Who’s next? U in the hat? Cool. Show us what u got.
Guy in hat reads from the script and does a terrible job.
Director: U are crap! Why waste my time when u’ve never acted before?
Guy in hat (takes off his shirt to reveal a washboard tummy): U stupid man. How dare u say I’ve never acted before? Do u know who I am? I am DSP Alamieyeseigha! I acted as a woman to escape from the British authorities. This is a spy movie, right? Who better to star in it? I am Nigeria’s answer to James Bond! The name's Alamieyeseigha. Diepreye Solomon Peter Alamieyeseigha. Now if that’s not a movie name I don’t know what is.

3. A workshop by Alamieyeseigha and Joshua Dariye (Plateau State Governor who also jumped bail from the UK) teaching other state governors how to elude British authorities. Workshop agenda include classes like Makeup 101: Bringing out the transvestite in you and Accounting 101: How to effectively cheat ur citizens of their future

So whaddayathink? Should I put them on t-shirts instead? Need feedback asap!

Other Nigerian news: Onion traders and yam traders in some market had a fracas last week. Serious. Only in Nigeria. Maybe they had a falling out over the recipe for yam pottage.

International news: Israel PM Ariel Sharon resigned from the Likud Party in order to "lay the foundations for a peace settlement in which the state's permanent borders will be set with the terrorist organizations being dismantled. This is not a new plan. I'm talking about the road map." Whether u like this dude or not he’s going with what he feels is best for his country. Nigerian pols on the otherhand……sorry, don’t wanna go there again.

Peeps, gotta go. Hey, just had a thot (since I am going ahead with my sketch comedy show and all). I believe the next breakout rap star will be a dentist or woulda worked in a dentist’s office or something like that. Remember, when 50 Cent came out he kept showing us the inside of his mouth where a bullet got lodged and Kanye West came out with a wired jaw. Those two have sold the most hip hop records in the past few years, so what’s stopping the next up-and-coming hot rapper going the whole hog by getting a dentist to mess up his mouth? I tell u, the dude will be HUGE. Okay, maybe I really should stop mixing mouthwash with battery liquid. Tot ziens and God bless........and please, please pray for this great country of ours.

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Monday, November 21, 2005

I have a dream that one day all strippers shall use retractable poles.....

Hola peeps. ¿Cuáles usted los individuos ha sido hasta? Moi? Same ol’ same ol’. Pissed off ‘cos real broke and debtors are avoiding me. The worst is a so-called mate who owes over 400 pounds. It’s been well over six months now and tried both the subtle and constant bugging approach, to no avail. Even worse, I think he now has spare cash ‘cos he’s moved into a new apartment and peeps see him clubbing almost every weekend. Actually thinking of getting a radio DJ mate to holler at him at the end of her show. I bet if she does this for a month he’ll pay up……or it might just calcify that part of his conscience that’s urging him to hand over my moolah. Choices, choices. Hey, maybe this idea could turn out to be a goldmine. Peep this: I have my own show on the radio and in between songs listeners call in and rail on peeps that have been shameful. Sad thing is I doubt if males are gonna have a say ‘cos I’m pretty sure the phone lines will be clogged by female callers who have been dogged. Maybe once in a while I could get the ‘dog’ to respond to accusations. Woah, it’d be Nigeria’s answer to the Jerry Springer Show. Man, I’m doing this!

Speaking of things to do I’ve canvassed around and most peeps are keen on some of the t-shirt ideas. Maybe I’d make them limited editions and print out new inscriptions monthly based on current happenings in this great country of ours. Got this idea after reading The Jero Plays by Wole Soyinka, that kinda satire is badly needed in the country today.
Spoke to a few printers and each shirt should cost about $25….so get ur orders in…..and if u call in the next minute I’ll add this unique plastic hanger absolutely FREE…..call now while stocks last…... Hee. Hee. Of course I’ll be sure to give y’all, my loyal readers, free samples……..if u nice……..and promise to call ur local radio station and tell my debtors to pay up. While u on the radio pls tell the DJ to quit playing Madonna’s new single. Man, it sucks ass. In fact she’d be banned from releasing songs for 10 years for daring to sample ABBA, one of the best pop bands of all time. As a kid I was so smitten by the female members I prayed I’d get married to them both. Talk about making a case for polygamy. Ha.

The club management’s decided to take top earners, such as urs truly, on a team building trip to……wait for it…..the zoo. U what?! Exactly. I mean u hear about cheap, but this is downright church-mouseian. Hey, maybe the zoo’s apt after all. OBTW the strip club’s finding it difficult recruiting the right set of people for the positions (geddit?) advertised. Good news? Nah, ‘cos it means I gotta work even harder than normal. “Isn’t increased responsibility a good thing”, u ask. Nope, that’s the sort of malarkey one spews at job interviews. As soon as one gets the job one avoids as much responsibility as possible. That’s just life. Still, I’m securing my territory in case we suddenly get a rush of new hires; I’ve designed and constructed my very own retractable pole with suction cups at either end. Maybe I’d patent it, whaddayathink? It’s quite sturdy and can support the weight of three grown men…..who have been fasting for weeks…….and prior to that, been feasting on bread and water only……hmmm, maybe I’da paid attention during those Strength of Materials classes in my second year at uni. At least it can support my weight and that’s all that matters……It’s my pole and I can flaunt if I want to, flaunt if I want to, flaunt if I want to. U would flaunt too if u’d afford to…….

Came across a new term, from Paul Shirley’s blog, which describes a class of women: Disclaimer Girl. That is a girl so fine u insert her name in a pre-nuptial agreement. In my case it would be, ‘I promise to always be faithful except Angelina Jolie, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Helen Mirren, Halle Berry, Maxine from En Vogue, Salma Hayek, Regina Askia come along’. Okay, in my case it’ll probably be a Disclaimer Harem, but u get the picture. Told my bro this and he came up with his: Olympian. U see an Olympian is the same as a Gold Digger and got me one……well, kinda, ‘cos there’s not much gold to dig for at the moment as I've spent all my money fixing my ride. Anyways, she gave me her Xmas list in June and even though that’s outta order she’s so cute u just wanna give her what she wants. It’s sad ‘cos I’ve long heard about her, erm, strive for Olympic perfection, but was hoping it was exaggerated. Boy, was I wrong. Life, eh?

Decided to get a camcorder and assail politicians keen on posts in 2007 with silly questions. Almost like The Daily Show gang. Problem is not sure if Nigerian peeps would get my take on things. Screw that, I’ll do it anyway; it’s about time those corrupt pols got a kick up the backside. Can u believe almost a month has gone by and the black box of the plane that went down on Oct 22nd has not been found? The Aviation Minister gave a press conference few weeks ago where he announced that the color of the black box is actually orange and intimated peeps from his ministry would go to the crash site with a prototype in case one of the villagers took it by mistake. Well, never actually knew the black box is orange, so at least I learnt something new; but, why couldn’t these dudes have taken this action immediately after the search began? Crap punks. Oh I almost forgot to tell u that the same minister had initially suggested their difficulty in locating the black box could be due to the fact that it musta been destroyed during the crash. Believe that? Even lay peeps know that black boxes are virtually indestructible since they are made from titanium to withstand all sorts of wear and tear associated with air mishaps. If this dude hasn’t even fundamental knowledge about aviation why was he appointed to his post? I refuse to stand for this; I mean does the president think he can get away with this? I mean this is not the USA and the aviation ministry is not FEMA!Ha huh ha huh ha. Yup, cronyism is alive and thriving. Yeah, since I am still on the aviation sector, flights have been delayed on Sundays as the major runway, okay ONLY runway, in operation is being repaired. The contractor who was to build another runway hasn’t even started, though the job shoulda rounded off by March 2005. Next thing u know the aviation minister (again!) is frothing at the mouth threatening to rescind the contract. Hey, this stuff shoulda been completed by March and u wait til November – and after a major air disaster - to complain? Shame.

If it was just the minister’s fault we’d breathe a li’l easier, but airlines haven’t learnt lessons either. We’ve had at least 2 near mishaps after Oct. 22nd and my sis told me that she got herded onto a plane while arriving passengers were disembarking, i.e. no check on plane, no nada. She presumed this was an anomaly until she got to her destination and passengers departing for another Nigerian city took their seats while she was disembarking. The plane took off soon after, no mechanical or security checks, no nada. Only action’s that resulted from the plane crash is insistence, by the NCAA (Nigerian Civil Aviation Authority) boss, that names of persons traveling should coincide with tickets in their possession in order to avoid confusion should claims have to be made in the event of a plane crash. How vigilant!

Sports news: The Nigeria team is at it again. They played a friendly against Romania and the 3rd assistant handled the team ‘cos the head coach was away with some local team and the 2nd assistant was off doing his own thang in the States. As expected, they lost; three-nil to be precise. Even worse, the team arrived in Romania 4 hrs before kickoff, and had only one substitute on the bench. Meanwhile, teams like Ghana, Cote D’Ivoire are playing carefully arranged friendlies. Maybe one should kick the behinds of those in the sports ministry as well. Sorry set of punks.

Weird news: A Nigerian university is conducting research into using tortoises for espionage. Apparently a gizmo set at certain frequencies can send pulses through the animal’s shell, thus sending it in any direction one wants. Sorta like an animal remote control. Hmmm, maybe one should invent one for dogs so they can fetch our newspapers as humans are becoming increasingly lazy. I digress again, my bad. Back to the tortoise. I think it’s a nice idea, but except these are mutant tortoises that can run faster than hares, dontcha think the aim of the project is redundant? Say u want the animal to blow a place up, how long u gonna set ur timer for? Okay, say u don’t have a timer and u got a species of tortoises that were once owned by Japanese World War II fighter pilots (….not to worry u’ll get the joke on ur drive home…..), what happens when the intended target moves cribs? What if the target’s so high on weed he becomes as paranoid as Sean Penn, and refuses to inhabit a location longer than a day? Does the tortoise get to follow this dude around? Hey, how does one plan to secure explosives on the tortoise; what if it gets hungry on its way to the, erm, mission and starts nibbling on the explosives? Need to know all of this b4 I give my consent to the project. Okay I know, I'll stop inhaling exhaust fumes to get high.

Over the weekend I saw a lovely Irish movie called Intermission. Low budget, but brilliant; both funny and a wee bit violent. Amazing movie. That’s what we’d have in Nigeria. Man, I’d seriously get me that camcorder so I can make my own movies. A few days before I walked in while my bro was watching a Nollywood movie….wait a minute, notice a pattern here? Seems I might be subconsciously using my bro as a reason to watch Naija movies. Maybe I’m becoming a fan after all, maybe I’d watch more Naija movies, maybe………….nah, never gonna happen. Okay back to the movie my bro was watching. It wasn’t such a bad movie and had a nice storyline to begin with, but then the usual rubbish with Nigerian movies happened. The protagonist addressed someone and said, “Enough is enough!” Five seconds later a song on the soundtrack, nah, the ONLY song on the soundtrack, struck up. Enough is enough…..enough is enough……. See why I detest Nigerian movies? Take a classic Hollywood line like U can’t handle the truth! from A Few Good Men. If that was a Nigerian movie, as soon as Nicholson uttered that immortal line there’d be a piercing keyboard chord, followed by a rousing drum sequence, then the lyrics U can’t handle the truth…..the truth is too much for u……truth oh what a precious thing….hold it like an egg…..it’ll shatter soon….u can’t handle the truth…….the truth u cannot handle….. And this will play at ten minute intervals until the movie ends….and then play over the credits. That's why all Nigerian movies are unintentional comedies.

Gotta go……fill in the patent application for the Tunde Retractable Dance Pole. Yippee. Tot ziens and God bless.

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

One a penny, two a many....hot-pressed t-shirts

Hola peeps. Tiempo largo. ¿Cómo usted los individuos ha sido? Had 2 days off work last week ‘cos the government declared a public holiday to mark the end of Ramadan fasting. Did get some work done though, got my stretching exercises in and practiced my new act. I call it the…..wait or it……Dead Arse. Don’t laff. It’s kinda complicated as it involves performing a DIY acupuncture type activity on an arse cheek while bouncing tennis balls off the other. It requires absolute concentration as any false move could turn the, erm, dead arse into a polka-dotted horror. OBTW did I forget to mention that the acupuncture needles gotta be blazing hot as well? Why do I take risks with my life, well arse, u ask. Well, someone’s gotta be avant-garde, a pioneer if u will. I do this to teach the street kids to discover their innate talents; that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, that there’s more to life than guns and graffiti, that…erm…..an arse is a terrible thing to waste? Okay, I’ll shut up now.

Work’s aiight. Turns out they having a recruitment drive. The top brass wanna expand our business to other parts of Nigeria so we’re hiring 100 strippers, both male and female. Since offices around the country are still being built the new hires are gonna have to hone their skill here in Lagos. Problem is there aren’t enuff poles as it is, so I envision a time when peeps might have to move into the office in order to get a dance pole. Maybe I’d get a camcorder and record the fights that’ll break out during the, ahem, pole-vault competition.

Y’all remember the plane crash and how I hoped it’ll change thangs in Nigeria? Well, the plane crash only confirmed what I always thot: humans are inherently selfish. Most of what u hear peeps talk about is how they lost friends on the plane. The focus then turns away from the victims to them. Parents get angry when u don’t call them to inquire about their safety, even though they weren’t scheduled to fly that day. Even peeps with no link to the crash try to find a way to put themself in the picture. “Isn’t it sad about the plane crash? I know a mate whose cousin’s driver’s neighbor was on the plane.” Some lady was interviewed about the increase in number of passengers eschewing air travel. “Well, I am about to get on this bus now, but I believe if it’s ur time to die u’ll die. For example, my cousin was on that plane that crashed.” See what I mean? The other day this punk ass governor who aspires to be president in 2007 said the ff: “It’s sad what happened to those on the airplane. This is not the time to apportion blame; it’s a time of mourning. If u look at me u see I’m wearing black and u know I never wear black…” The punk. If this is Nigeria’s best hope for 2007 I think it’s best I moved countries.

In all honesty I’ve been guilty of this selfish behavior myself. After the London bombings I found out I was just like everyone else, i.e. telling stories about an acquaintance who was a casualty. Guess all humans just have the need to blab their mouth off about stuff. Reminds me of a passage in the Bible where it’s stated that once u are dead peeps soon forget u. As a kid I always hoped that peeps would mourn for ages when I’m gone. Sure, like that’s gonna happen; no public holiday for me. U see, shifting the focus back to me again. Speaking of losing focus I must confess that the first time I heard of the bombings I thought about two cheap ass sisters I’d met in the UK. They always wanted my bro and I to pick them up in our ride and when we suggested they take the tube they said they only travel by bus ‘cos “if terrorists ever attacked they’d focus on the tube”. Yeah sure. Since a bus was also blown up I wonder if they now ride bicycles around London. Sad pair they were.

Please I need help from y’all ‘cos this hypocrisy’s driving me crazy. Take Stella Obasanjo for instance, “she was a mother…”, “she was caring…”, that’s all we hear about her. Most of these peeps who say this probably didn’t know her. Most of these peeps would most likely have been dissing her a few days b4 she died. I mean get a grip. Noticed same thang when Diana died. Same peeps who were buying tabloid newspapers that slated her as a bad mother for taking her kids on holiday with Dodi Fayed a day before turned around and railed on paparazzi for killing her. How righteous. Same thing’s happening here. Everyone’s praising Stella for her courage and this and that……yeah, sure. Some media company is offering a 100,000 Naira prize for anyone who can compose a song about the recently departed First Lady. The same station played Candle In The Wind (the Diana version) by Elton John while showing pics of the First Lady. Almost cracked up, nah, actually cracked up when I saw that.

So what y’all been up to? Chatted online with a Ugandan mate from uni and reminded me of this white mate of ours who was real funny. Still keep in touch with him as we’d crack jokes about anything. No white guilt trip thang going on there and thatt was particularly refreshing. I kinda experienced the white guilt trip once…I think. While in Holland some white colleagues almost called me racist for not having dated a white chick. “U don’t like white women?”, they asked. I defended myself by insisting that I did, but just hadn’t dated one at the time. “It’s not like I only like black chicks”, I protested, “I mean my current girlfriend’s Asian!” They replied, “But that’s not the same as white, is it?” Weird conversation I admit. Maybe one of the dudes had a sister he wanted to get rid of. Ha huh ha huh ha Anyways, reminiscing about that conversation and recently seeing Season 2 of the Dave Chappelle show got me thinking. Maybe it’s time us Nigerians laffed out loud at ourselves. A TV critic, when describing Dave’s show, wrote something along the lines of, “…..a lot of comedians play the race card, but he has re-shuffled the entire deck…” Now that’s the type of crazy impact I wanna have.

So my Ugandan mate – also named Dave…..hmmm, come to think of it he kinda looks like Mr. Chappelle too – and I came up with this idea of having 419 t-shirts. I’ll expatiate. To the uninitiated – u lucky, lucky bastards – Decree 419 was signed into law by some military Head of State to prosecute advance fee fraud or as the local coppers call it OBT (Obtain By Trick). Anyways, that hasn’t deterred the criminals and ‘cos of a few bad apples Nigerians are now renowned internationally for telephone/fax/e-mail scams. Y’all musta received those email messages where u’re invited to provide account details to facilitate transfer of millions of dollars left by some dead African dictator. Anyways Dave and I decided it’d be hilarious to have t-shirts with 419-related inscriptions. Not exactly an equal partnership as Dave will face no recriminations if the proverbial hits the fan, just moi, but I’m willing to risk it. Some inscriptions I’m working on include:

419 is the magic number

Does this shirt make my tummy look big? Maybe I’d tuck it in

Search me……..I am a Nigerian politician

Dear Sir/Madam, I am the son of Sani Abacha, the late Head of State of…….please send us your account details in order to…….

Whaddaya think? Maybe I’d be castigated for being unpatriotic or making light of a serious matter. Hey, u gotta laugh, right? Only drawback to going ahead with my t-shirt enterprise is copycats. Yeah, another drawback is non-Nigerians, especially white folk, cannot wear those shirts for fear of being called bigots. Hee. Hee. Kinda reminds me of those It’s A Black Thing U Won’t Understand t-shirts in the 90s. If someone had come up with a version for Caucasians u bet ur last dime black peeps woulda complained. Reverse racism u say? Whatever man.

Also thinking of having one of those Candid Camera shows in Nigeria, but since we got crap celebs I might have to do make do with politicians. Imagine convincing a state governor that his foreign bank account’s been frozen. Gonna be real funny, but might have to move countries afterwards ‘cos those dudes long substituted their sense of humor for huge ass bodyguards.

Entertainment news: U know how Christopher Walken usually plays baddies, well seems Nollywood has someone similar. Walked in while my bro was watching a Nigerian movie and saw this dude smacking a chick. I laffed out loud and my bro said, “that’s nothing. This guy’s the official slapper of girls in Nollywood. In all his movies he’s gotta slap at least one chick.” Lol……kinda reminds me of some African American comedian who said Wesley Snipes seems to have a sex scene stipulated in all his movies. Ha huh ha huh ha In other news R.Kelly’s released first 12 chapters of Trapped In The Closet on DVD and says he’s actually written 22 (yep 20+2). Damn, that bro must be bored. Well, I guess he has to occupy his time somehow since high schools are back in session.

Sad news: The black box of the plane the crashed on October 22nd has not been located and rumors persist of villagers looting things from the wreckage. Hey, maybe some ignorant punk stole the black box. The head of the village where the plane crashed has asked the government for 2 million Naira to carry out spiritual cleansing of the land. Maybe if they pawned the goods nicked, sorry allegedly nicked, they’d afford to pay for the cleansing.

Funny news: Asari Dokubo, the leader of the Niger Delta Volunteer Force, was arrested on treason charges last month and is reported to be on a hunger strike to protest his, in his words, illegal arrest. Nigerians actually go on hunger strike?! I mean this dude always looked well-fed so his embarking on a hunger strike’s somewhat incredulous. Bet his, erm, strike involves eschewing third helpings of meals. Ha. Maybe if he gets real mad he might even refuse an extra piece of meat.

Politics news: The ruling party in Nigeria held congresses in the 36 states last week and a more disorganized set of individuals u’ll scarcely come across. Most states had parallel congresses ‘cos various factions were are logger heads. Thugs, amulets, police. It was a cornucopia of lawlessness. God help us.

Okay, off to secure myself a pole. Tot ziens and God bless.

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