Sunday, February 24, 2008

The God that answers by sackings, let Him be my God

Hola peeps. ¿Título divertido, no es?

It’s Sunday here in harmattan-covered – talk about global weirding – Warri and Neo couldn’t fly down as planned on Friday ‘cos flights were cancelled due bad weather. Was so depressed at the news I’d planned to tuck into a big tub of ice cream while playing Track 1 off of PSquare’s newest CD over and over again. Instead, was taken out by some chick who once gave me a ride from the club. She saw me at the golf course on Thursday, and when we bumped into each other on my way home yesterday she re-introduced herself. We exchanged numbers after I thanked her for helping me out those months ago, and she called soon afterwards to inquire if I’d be keen on going for a TGIF shindig hosted by one of the local oil companies. Hey, I had nada better to do so I acquiesced to her request.

Soon as we got to the venue she started moving her hips to the songs – the DJ was incredibly good – while searching out some seats. (No wonder the chick wanted to go for the TGIF as she seemed to know every guest there.) She bought a drink, left me in the company of her pregnant sister, and rushed off to the dance floor. Didn’t feel like shaking my groove thang so spent the next hour and a half thinking of Neo while watching folk dance.

Quick question: How does one pull it off when an up-tempo song slows down? Or even worse when a slow-tempo song speeds up, e.g. Lionel Richie’s All Night Long? Okay here’s what I’m getting at. While watching folk dance Independent Women by Destiny’s Child came on and that slow part, u know that Child of destiny/Independent beauty/Noone else can scare me/Charlie's angels….. part, came on and while some dancers pretended to talk to their partner, others did some kinda slow movement thang. It was downright hilarious watching different folks’ reactions.

On way home after we drop off pregnant sister chick starts talking about how she has to return the ride to her sister early the next day. So? Then, she mentions how boring Warri is and how when she goes out all night she usually stays over at the crib of whoever she’s out on the town with…and if I’m keen we’d hit some more bars and….she’d always return the ride to her sister real early tomorrow and how….. hmmm. I politely told her I’d rather she dropped me off as I needed to catch some zzzzz after having woken up in the middle of the night to catch the Obama – Clinton debates. Next time we hang out I’ll be sure to take Parminder along so she won’t have an excuse to toss out that tired ass line.

The next morning I’d planned to treat Parminder to a car wash, but something or the other came up. Starting to think Warri’s the Twilight Zone ‘cos though I complain it’s crazy boring, at day’s end I can’t seem to recall what I did to occupy my time. Okay let’s see, yesterday I woke up about 9amish, cleaning lady – no, not the hot one – stopped by about 10am, surfed the web and responded to Miguel’s lies on Crackbook – the punk’s trying to soil my reputation ahead of my presidential bid in 8 years time – ‘til I drove for a presentation on a Timeshare-like vacation package. Yeah, yeah, that’s probably why I couldn’t remember much. Man, it was a waste of my time and then some. Not that the concept behind the package wasn’t sound, just that the first 55 minutes of the hour long presentation shoulda been scrapped. U’da seen them, it was like that South Park episode where the parents are convinced to visit Aspen for a “free” vacation. Lol…I kept glancing at the door to ensure we weren’t locked in and surrounded by security. There was this girl at the front who was obviously a ‘plant’. She overreacted to each question from the moderator, and laughed uproariously at unfunny anecdotes. I am sure she graduated bottom of her class at the Nollywood School of Acting.

After I ‘escaped’ from their clutches with a ‘free’ weekend away (with more strings attached than a marionette) I drove around town in search of polo shirts to play golf in. While glancing around I saw a uniquely Warri scene: a lunatic roaming around smoking a huge wrap of weed. U what? Couldn’t help thinking, …where did he get the funds to purchase weed…..who sold it to him….if he doesn’t have the funds, does he grow his own stash? It buggers the mind, don’t it? (Geddit? It BUGGERS the MIND, as in make one mad? Geddit? Aww, forget y’all.)

US political news: As mentioned above I woke up 2am Friday morning to watch the Democratic Presidential debate and only got an hour’s snooze b4 I resumed shift at the club. So I ended up letting go of the pole twice, okay thrice, and fell headlong into two clients, okay there were five of them, still the debates were worth every minute of my time.

Only a few days before complained to mates about how tired and jaded I was of all the CNN coverage - No wonder folk don’t go out to vote, the process to get a US Presidential candidate is crazy long - but the latest debate reinvigorated my wonkish genes. So utterly amazing to watch two candidates at the top of their game trade verbal blows, defend their stances, or changes in them, and avoid answering questions directly. It’s a skill I’d grasp in the coming years. Ha.

Today, just a couple of days removed from the tranquil ambience of the debate, the two candidates are already back attacking each other over Karl Rove-esque tactics. Karl should be so proud; I reckon his name should be entered into the political lexicon the way a certain Mr. Lewinski’s daughter’s has. All in all u can bet ur bottom crisp Naira note that when the Democrats decide on a nominee the loser will eulogise about what a great leader the nominee is and how they fought a clean, determined race, etc. Utter bollocks.

A case in point is flip flopper Mitt Romney who endorsed John McCain just a few days after they’d both questioned the other’s qualities in not too pleasant terms. Same happened with Rudolph ‘the red nosed Mayor’ Giuliani. The losers react this way in order to leave a door ever so slightly open in case they wish to run again, or to secure a position in the nominee’s cabinet. Once, just once, I’d like to see someone stick to their guns even after a loss. So y’all decided on my rival instead, huh? I pity everyone of u. U think u have it tough now, wait ‘til this bozo starts ruling. Oh man, don’t say I didn’t tell u so. In fact, every year on the anniversary of my loss I shall take out ads in major media outlets with a big, fat I TOLD U SO. Punk ass punks. Lol…now that would be über interesting.

Still on Romney, while watching the dude ‘suspend’ his presidential campaign on February 7th I thought he gave his most passionate speech yet. Maybe if he had done similar on the hustings he’da had more support. Come to think of it maybe his speeches weren’t the problem after all ‘cos while watching that press conference all I’d think of was, Woah, what a suit! Never seen a shirt ironed so crisply. What a full head of hair!

Not since Vanilla Ice and Cameron Diaz in that scene from There’s Something About Mary has someone had such ‘outstanding’ hair. Dude said he quit ‘cos of his love for the country. Nah, he quit ‘cos with all the millions he spent on hair spray no one gave him the time of day.

The US presidential race goes to prove my point all along that in politics, like William Goldman said about Hollywood, nobody knows anything. First, the ‘experts’ tell us folk said they’d not vote for Mitt ‘cos of his religion, then that didn’t seem to play a role. Later, it was Obama couldn’t cut it with whites and Hispanics. They haven’t the foggiest idea, do they? Maybe they’d switch things around and conduct polls AFTER the elections. The punks.

So what’s the moral of the story? Always tell the truth, not changing positions with the wind. At least no matter what happens u can look urself in the mirror and know u stood ur ground. Actually, that’s what Senator McCain said when asked how he’s come from behind a few months back to topple the so-called front runners. I see, this the same McCain that told workers just b4 the Michigan primary that “jobs aren’t coming back”, then changed his tune after he lost Michigan? Bah, humbug.

Local political news: This just in. The election of the Senate President of Nigeria has been annulled. That’s the third senator from Benue State whose election has been declared null. Let’s not even go into the various annulments of gubernatorial elections. Dunno whether to laugh or cry anymore. Hope Messrs Iwu and Obasanjo are sleeping easily wherever they are.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Sudan’s still bellowing, Chad was gonna join in, Zimbabwe’s still in dire straits, the Kenyan issue hasn’t been resolved yet. A few weeks ago my mate in Kenya responded to an SMS I sent: …lovely 2 hear from u, Tunde. We’re praying, pray with us. It’s not pretty…the most killed r the poor, the economy’s suffering, it’s getting ethnic…
‘Cos someone wants to rule by all means they don’t care how many people get slaughtered. That’s a life that’s never coming back! No amount of power can be worth that. That what we want the world to see, Africa? I dunno man, dunno.

After my trips to Kenya, Uganda and Ghana I realized one important fact: my charm pervades all borders. Lol…seriously, the trips opened my eyes to the fact that less wealthy nations have a better quality of life than us Nigerians. No kidding. Nigerian leaders have no excuses for the dire state of the country, none at all. The power situation, state of roads and other infrastructure, state of the education sector? Nada, no excuses. Man, I need to get my mind off this….

Entertainment news: Recently heard Akon and Michael Jackson on the updated version of the MJ’s old track Wanna Be Starting Something. I know Akon’s pipes usually result in a bump up the Billboard charts, but fear Michael might end up jinxing him like he did Teddy Riley and Rodney “Darkchild” Jerkins. Remember when those dudes were producers de rigueur? I’m sure somewhere there’s also an unreleased Death Row-produced MJ track.

It’s not that I don’t think Mike can still hack it, okay I know he can’t, but u’d heard the track; Mike’s voice has finally broken. Ladies and Gentlemen, it took over four decades but Michael Jackson has finally attained puberty! That actually reminds me of a story I heard back in Uganda. Tevin Campbell performed there about a year ago, and crowd was so pissed they requested for a refund. Why? Turns out Mr. Campbell Tevin had put on some weight and didn’t sound as squeaky as he used to. Can We Talk? Nah, Tevin, we can’t. Not unless u get ur old voice back.

Watched loadsa TV over the weekend and realized one’s gotta be downright romantic to write a song such as Busta’s I Love My Bitch; that song musta come from the heart, man. Ha. I don’t get rappers though. Of all the beautiful chicks in their videos they end up with some, erm, not-so-stunning chicks. Case in point is Snoop; u seen his wife?! I remember as kids watching music videos all we’d say was, Yankee is the place!!! U mean u can just walk down the street and see such beautiful women? Can’t wait to go there. Obviously we now know it’s all crap. Only guys that seem to clock the most stunning women are sports stars. Have u seen the wives of some of those black American Football players? Speechless, speechless, that’s how they make me feel/When I see them I get lost for words….

Family news: Ayo’s engaged. Had planned to tell y’all, but kept skipping my mind. Thought he was joking, but dude returned from the UK with news of his engagement. Of course, no one believed him. This the same dude who arrived for Kinzo’s wedding a few months back with his ex, and now he’s engaged to someone else?! Anyways, it’s all true. Apparently he’d known this girl forever and after he broke up with ex they hooked up and the rest is history.

My future sister-in-law (name withheld until I am sure Ayo’s ready to go the whole 9) has moved back to Nigeria as well and they plan to get hitched next year. Pressure on Tunde, u say? Nah, I am all the way in Warri so the folks can’t disturb me as much. However, that didn’t stop mom from attempting to have a “talk” with me while I was in Lagos. She said she’s been praying for me to get married April this year. I laughed out loud and told her God would know she was being ludicrous.

Think the reason she wants a wedding soon is ‘cos Ayo’s is next year and she badly wants to appear in a wedding album. Nah, I am serious. Never, I repeat, never met anyone who loves taking pics as much as this woman. Every wedding she attends she comes back with a photo. “It’s not my fault”, she says. “I don’t ask those photographers to take pictures, but when they present them to me I gotta pay.” No, u don’t, woman. It’s just an excuse for ur narcissism. Wait, wait, here’s a thought, u know how I told y’all in last blog I couldn’t put a finger on why I ended things with Li’l Missy. Think I now can; that chick’s as vain as my mom! So subconsciously I musta decided that….nah, this Warri boredom’s really getting to me.

Well, since I am here I might as well toss out more theories. Think my mom’s secretly missing her married daughters around her ‘cos lately she’s offered some leftover fabric and suggested she make shirts for me outta them. Thank goodness I saw the fabrics b4 I gave my approval ‘cos I still haven’t worn one she made while I was in PH. Man, u’d see that shirt. It’s so gay even gay Hawaiians wouldn’t wear such a garish shirt. If I wore that clothing out on the town random guys would inexplicably gang up and gimme a beating like we back in primary school playground….and I wouldn’t blame them.

Okay, it’s time for my group’s appointment with the shrink. I think subject for today should be mothers. Tot ziens and God bless.

Akon and Mike, if y’all reading this I reckon u’d get T-Pain on that track. Listening to T-Pain’s like learning nursery rhymes. Notice how he repeats every line from his songs? That’s classic, that’s how u can’t get his songs outta ur head.

Almost forgot to tell y’all inspiration behind the blog title. It was the subject title of an email sent by a college buddy; yeah, one of the ‘Ghana crew’. Who woulda thunk getting Hans Hubert “Berti” Vogts fired as head coach of the Nigeria football team would elicit such religious fervour? Ha. The foreign media inform us that punk ass Berti resigned, but local reporters tell us he was fired by the hitherto incompetent NFA (Nigeria Football Ass-kissers). Whatever the reason, good riddance to sauer - geddit? geddit? - rubbish. Now if we can just get at the NFA board…..

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Mr. Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes

Hola peeps. Una semana agradable para aprender un nuevo juego.

Second week since been back in Warri, and slowly, discovering way around. Yesterday drove to the best hotel in these parts for the 42nd anniversary dinner of my alma mater. The organizers coulda done a better job, but glad I went ‘cos met a classmate I hadn’t seen in over a decade. He in turn introduced me to two others from my year: a guy I wouldn’t have recognised otherwise, and a girl I still have no recollection of. Earlier in the day I drove to the school and man, it brought back memories. I expected the school to be smaller than I remember, but it was incredibly tiny. The distance from the main gate to the assembly hall seemed like a huge trek then, but now everywhere looked clustered. While driving out I smiled at the thought that I felt like Gulliver in the land of the Lilliputians.

As promised y’all last year I signed up for golf lessons, and had first session today. Never thought hitting a ball would be so difficult. Ended up with a blister on my left palm, just below the index finger, ‘cos wasn’t gripping club properly…or so the instructor said. Moi thinks it’s ‘cos of my – saying this with Jack-esque lisp - extra, extra sensitive skin. ‘Cos of painful blister I moved next lesson to Tuesday so I’d heal properly. Yes, I am a wuss.

All in all I think I’d get the hang of this golf game. Instructor tells me backswing’s ace and current problem’s getting the front swing to follow through. He reckons it’s a mental thang, apparently I am using too much force on the swing down. Hmmm. Also I need to get a change of wardrobe as my round-neck t-shirts aren’t the norm on golf courses. Need to get some polo shirts and ensure they tucked in properly when on the green. Plan to research why one must wear polo shirts; is there something about collars that helps one’s swing? Nah, nah, not gonna give in. Gonna comply ‘til I get my golf game down pat and then gba-row-row-row I’m switching so far I’ll become the Happy Gilmore of the Nigerian golf scene. Tennis players dressed all conservative in white shirts and shorts ‘til Andre Agassi came out and tore the script with his flowing locks, ear rings, and denim shorts. That could be me…..without the flowing locks of course.

Relationship news: She’s back in my life, she’s back in my life. Dunno whether to laugh or cry, dunno whether to chill or to drive. And she still has va va voom, she’s back in my life…..

Yes y’all Parminder is with me here in Warri. 6-weeks-married mate brought her down on his way from PH. He came along for a few days with his gorgeous, new bride and dude couldn’t help gushing about married life. While walking across the club’s parking lot some dude passed by us and made a not-so-discreet glance at his bride. Dude laughed it off and said, to all within ear shot, “it ain’t easy having a pretty wife o.” I concurred, and later suggested that dude mighta been glancing at him instead. He didn’t find that funny, and the more he scowled the more I lisped, Woo hoo, u look mighty cute in that pink shirt u wearing. U work it boy!. Needless to say I wasn’t gonna win any awards for Friend Of The Year.

February 14th news: New year, new Val’s day, new date. Lol…like I said last year the way I’m going it seems my criteria for wifey is if she remains date for consecutive Val’s day. It keeps things interesting though, dontcha think? Last year I couldn’t be with then girlfriend – was on the R.I.G. actually – and this year I’m stuck in Warri while Neo – more on her later – is in Kenya. Instead took Parminder out and treated her to a full on valet cleaning. U’d see the way other cars look on in envy as her fire engine-red hue gleams in the sunlight.

Neo and I couldn’t be together on Val’s day ‘cos we both gotta work, though I arranged a pre-Val’s day romantic dinner b4 I left Lagos. Was that enough? Noooo siree, apparently “it’s real important to spend ur 1st Val’s day together”. U what? See what Hallmark cards and Hollywood, esp Hallmark channel, has done to us guys? Val’s day, friggin’ Val’s day! It’s almost as if women wouldn’t mind being treated like shite for the rest of the year so long as they get the full royal treatment on the fourteenth day of February. Never gonna get it.

Peep this. A friend’s beau asked her what she wanted as a Val’s day present – dude’s wise ‘cos I spent a fortune on some earrings one year that chick didn’t dig – and she said flowers and shoes and a bag and some jewellery and a pony and ….. Brother man was low on funds so asked her to pick one thang. Guess what? She chose flowers, not ‘cos they were the cheapest option – she wanted an elaborate bouquet that woulda made Elton John jealous – but ‘cos “colleagues cannot ooh and aah over shoes.” U see women don’t necessarily want flowers on the 14th, they just wanna raise the stakes year on year to see which of them gets the largest bouquet. I’m sure there are some chicks out there who refuse to take up offers of better employment just ‘cos they wanna win ‘best bouquet’ three years in a row. Now u know why women are so pissed if they unemployed on Val’s day…and there was mate thinking it’s ‘cos his lady couldn’t afford to get him a gift!

While talking to some chick she said, “Presents don’t matter as long as they are large as possible. Get someone a vast quantity of stuff and no matter what it is they’ll love it”. I’m glad I asked ‘cos was trying to get a hint as to what she’d like – a mate fancies her and was hoping to surprise her with the ‘perfect’ gift. With this new found info I told mate, “Forget flowers, that’s so unoriginal. Get her a humungous basket of moth balls; trust me, she’ll appreciate it.” Hey, it’s the ‘perfect’ gift that keeps on giving.

New relationship news: So y’all wanna know about Neo? Met her on flight from Nairobi and digging her big time. Why am I telling y’all about this when I promised myself I won’t divulge more relationship info after ending things with Girlfriend #10? Frankly, I dunno. Maybe I need to share, maybe I need to convince meself that y’all didn’t jinx that relationship. (Hey, after Nigeria lost to Cote D’Ivoire – and I wasn’t wearing a Nigerian jersey like I did the last time I saw them live when they lost badly to Holland - I knew the vagaries of life don’t depend on my actions)

So here I am spilling all, braving the relationship elements and telling them to take their best shot, a la Lieutenant Dan Taylor in Forrest Gump. Er, if Neo and I end up badly I’m taking it all back. Hee hee.

So here’s a Cliff Notes version of my ‘serious’ relationship status since Girlfriend #10:

1. Girlfriend #11: Most folk who’ve seen The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston recall the parting of the Red Sea as the most memorable scene. Not moi. Mine’s the scene where Jethro’s daughters dance for Moses so dude would pick one as a wife. What’s the point of all this, u ask. Well, I’d hoped such a scene would be re-enacted at my 30th birthday party - oh, so y’all thought I organized a party just for the sake of it? Tsh tsh tsh – but folk were too busy getting their party on. However, it wasn’t a lost cause ‘cos that’s how I met Girlfriend #11 (aka Li’l Missy). U know that scene from the Billie Jean video where tiles light up as soon as MJ steps on them; that’s the sorta effect Li’l Missy had as she walked away after we were introduced. She definitely put the ‘hot’ in Hot Tamale.

So what went wrong? Dunno, really. Just that after the first two months – the relationship lasted for about five months - it seemed we had to ‘try’ to accomplish everything. Nada flowed anymore, there was something missing; we both tried but the passion, the oomph just seemed to dissipate outta everything. Even simple things like catching a movie became a chore. So for the first time in my life I ended a relationship with someone who I liked immensely.

2. Girlfriend #10 (again): Yup, didn’t follow my advice that one’d never go back to an ex. Hey, y’all actually think I follow thru with all I type on this blog? Tsh tsh tsh. Yes, I’da stuck to original conviction, but have no regrets this happened. It lasted all of three weeks and we ended stuff ‘cos of same reason we called it quits the first time, but got to express feelings I didn’t have the opportunity to the first time around.

3. Girlfriend #11 (again): Just kidding….though must admit I gave it some serious thought. It’s weird - or as the antipodeans say, weeeaaarrrddddd – that after we broke up Li’l Missy started doing stuff that if she had the first time around woulda kept me in the relationship. That said might probably have given it another go if we had remained in the same time zone. Oh well, u live and u learn.

So that’s it, now I am with Girlfriend #12 (aka Neo). As one grows older and one’s friends get married one’s bound to contemplate the ‘M’ word now and then…..especially after being forced to watch The Bachelor last week – long story – and thinking to myself, A guy with a lozenge-sounding name like Lorenzo can get on this show and make out with all these women with low-esteem?! Woah, I’d be on the Nigerian version of this show.
Seriously though, it’s inevitable that any girl I date now would be thinking marriage, and I do wanna get married, but can’t for the life of me figure out what I’m waiting for. It’s not like I’m scared or nothing, just that…..dunno man. I think I just wanna wake up and discover I’m married, u know. Wanna fast-forward through the whole introduction, wedding preparations, etc. Maybe I’d bivouac in Vegas.

Think the issue is ‘predictability’. I hate it! I’ve had friends who u KNEW it wasn’t a matter of ‘if’, but ‘when’ they would get married to their long-term girlfriends. Don’t wanna be like that. I mean mom likes Neo – she’s Indian of Kenyan heritage so mom’s happy I at least ended up with an “African” – and so does rest of the family. It’s almost as if they know I’ll get married to her; almost as if it’s accepted, not if I’ll get married to her, but when. That seems to be my issue. Arghhhh I dunno peeps, I dunno.

I am real crazy about her, and I would tell y’all more about my feelings but I’m saving all that mushy stuff for her greeting card next Val’s day…..if y’all don’t jinx us that is. Tot ziens and God bless.

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