Saturday, September 17, 2005

The emasculation of Tunde

Hola peeps. ¿Usted ha visto los horrores en la TV? Man, that lady Katrina’s messed a whole lotta things up. Bush’s running scared after the dilatory tactics by responsible officials under his watch. Who’d wanna be president, eh?

Work’s aiight…….nah, work is pissing me off. Now the smart alecs who run the club have decided to tax our tips. Yup, they taxing the currency that’s placed in my g-strings. Money was spent on procuring CCTV to watch every move we make, literally. What makes it worse is that we get searched every night by some burly bouncer who I suspect is confused about his sexuality; how else can one explain the guy’s predilection for pig tails and tight shirts? My g-string has now been modified with pockets (yes, it’s possible) to prevent the dude from frisking me at the end of the work day. I have written emails to complain about this new regime but nada’s been done; so in the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. I am embarking on a peaceful protest. No placards for me though, I’m taking the Samson approach by not shaving facial hair or waxing the hair on chest and nether regions; that’ll teach them. (Ain’t it weird how some men lose hair on their dome yet have enough facial (and body) hair to keep Eskimos warm…….and peeps say God doesn’t have a sense of humor.) I’ll keep y’all informed on the developments…….but I might have to back down when I start developing dreadlocks.

Found out an older mate of the girlfriend who works in the club as well cautioned the girlfriend to be wary of me ‘cos I have the demeanor of a “user”. U what?! Guess that explains why the chick’s been giving me the cold shoulder lately. It must be the bald head, cologne, goatee or something, ‘cos it’s not the first time this has happened to me. While at Bradford I was dating this asian chick whose aunt advised her that I’d be after her for a British passport. In her defence, the aunt had never set eyes on me and was probably spewing crap advice based on hearsay of what corrupt peeps go through in order to secure a permanent stay in the UK. But I frigging work with the girlfriend’s mate; I mean she’d frigging know me. Man, actually thought of ending the relationship with the girlfriend so her mate could have the satisfaction of preventing her from being manipulated by big bad, albeit very, very, very good-looking, Tunde.

Spent most of Sunday (after church, of course) with the girlfriend watching a number of DVDs. Really had fun and some of the movies reminded me why I can’t stand Nigerian movies. The acting, cinematography, directing, everything. I dunno anyone who buys those DVDs, just peeps who watch them. Why can’t they invest bucks in these movies? It pisses me off ‘cos I bloody love movies. Most of my male friends talk about cars, how fast they accelerate from 0-60mph, the amount of bhp, etc.; they buy car mags religiously and froth at the mouth at the latest addition to the BMW stable. Moi? I am not too bothered about the brand of car I drive, but if Bryan Singer’s got a new movie coming out I wanna know about it. Watching an excellent movie creates a warm, fuzzy feeling inside of me. I see a lovely show or movie and wanna engage in passionate conversations discussing little plot details. I’d talk for an hour about The Usual Suspects and how I saw it 7 consecutive times or why Brendan Gleeson’s the most underrated actor of all time. I love reading anecdotes of famous entertainment power brokers like Dick Wolf, producer of the Law and Order series, who said, “CSI is a franchise, Law and Order is a brand”; or the exchange between Jerry Bruckheimer and Joel Silver when they had big budget movies (Days of Thunder and Dick Tracy respectively) scheduled to premiere on the same day.
Jerry: Don’t f%$k with the Thunder.
Joel: U won’t believe the size of my Dick.
See what I mean, don’t stories like these cause u to smile? Okay, I know, I know. I shall retire my geek alter-ego…..for the time being.

Mate’s getting married next Saturday and still not sure what celadon is. Girlfriend’s excited about it (the wedding not celadon) as that’ll be the first time we go for a formal event together. Apparently it’s a huge deal for her so I’d better not mess up. Also, she’s coming along for the bachelor’s eve party so that’d be interesting. As usual, I’ll keep y’all informed on the goings on.

Speaking of weddings I saw a neighbor reading a book entitled MARRY ME! by Gerstman, Pizzo and Seldes. Didn’t read the book (as if) but the sleeve’s got a picture of the male authors and “Ten Facts Every Woman Needs To Know”. First thing I did was laugh out loud when I read the…..(drum roll please)……facts every woman needs to know about men. Like a Jew, an Italian and a Greek are gonna know stuff about women, let alone strong black women (hey, ever wondered why black females, esp. celebs, justify their actions by stressing they’re strong black women? For e.g., “I had sex with 20 guys in one nite ‘cos I’m a strong black woman and I do as I please……now can someone tell me why I have lesions on my face?” I must write a blog about it sometime.). Anyways, here are the ten things they feel y’all women should know (my words of knowledge are written below each, ahem, fact):

1. Women have the power to make a man commit.
It’s called sex.

2. Engagement is not about timing. It’s about being the right woman – and taking the right steps.
If that fails, see step 1.

3. A professional man has three distinct stages of his career.
These stages are crawl, walk and run….from marriage.

4. To understand a man, a woman must understand his career – and his career stage.
Join a gym in case the dude’s at the ‘run’ stage of his career.

5. A professional man’s level of commitment is directly related to the career stage he is in.
Sure, sure. (Man, this shite’s so easy I’d write a book myself)

6. There are things a woman can do to bring the relationship to a higher level – tips custom-made for each career stage.
Forget the gym, join the mile-high club (geddit?).

7. A man’s success in his career is an accomplishment for the man and his girlfriend.
……before he dumps her for her cuter friend who now finds him desirable ‘cos he’s loaded.

8. For a man, living together before engagement is a requirement.
Not if he lives with his mama. If he does, get ur female friends to persuade him to move out the same way they convinced their men to commit…… if.

9. Moving in with a woman is not easy for a man.
True…….especially if she cannot cook.

10. He will love you more and want to marry you sooner if you don’t give him ultimatums or pressure him into marriage.
Sure, but if u don’t pressure him he’ll take his time and propose to u when he turns 80. Heckuva Catch-22, huh?

Okay peeps, time to go comb out my afro beard. Tot ziens and God bless.

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

What the beep is celadon?

Hola peeps. Me again. ¿Cualquier cosa especial ha estado entrando encendido en su área?
Been busy searching for a venue to host a mate’s bachelor’s eve party. Any pointers? The dude’s in the UK and returning to the Nigeria for the wedding; as most of the other groom’s men / hosts / unmarried mates are in the UK it’s been left to urs truly to sort things out. Oh goody. Received an email from the dude last week informing me that the wedding colors are lavender and celadon. Excuse me, but why does everyone use lavender nowadays, I mean when exactly did lavender become the color of choice for weddings? Also, what the beep is celadon? I swear only male fashion designers can identify celadon on a color chart.

Read the other day that some dude’s suggesting Nigerian youth become conscripts in the military for 3 to 4 years - and reservists afterwards – in order to combat the threat of global terrorism. Hmmm, u don’t say. The guy better be joking or else I’m adjusting the age on my passport. Military, indeed. Maybe the dude’s been smoking the same oohwee I’ve been toting on for weeks now. Speaking of weed, maybe it’s time I stopped. I’ve been having crazy dreams for the past week. In one dream I am filming a shampoo commercial. Yep, a bald-headed guy as a spokesperson for shampoo. Hmmm, could be an ironic way to sell goods. Wait, with ideas like these why’d I stop inhaling?! Someone pass me a reefer quick.

Another weed thought: do thieves ask God for guidance / protection / safety just before robbing peeps of their possessions? In 2002 some mates and I drove from ATL to Maryland – a 9 hour trip – for a party and before we embarked on our fantastic voyage Miguel asked us to pray. I didn’t think to tell him I’d prayed uncomfortably before we left the crib. I mean what am I supposed to say to God? “Dear Father, please guide us on this trip as we drive 9 hours to get jiggy with females in revealing clothes. We might ask some women for their telephone numbers and if we get lucky they’ll give them to us. Afterwards, we might call these females and maybe go out on dates. These movie or dinner or walk-in-the-park dates (depending on how broke we are) could invariably lead to sex, but pardon us and grant us a safe trip.” Catch my drift?

Yeah, update on the petrol hike: the Government punks decided on a 30% hike in the price of gas. Rumors abound that new gas prices are part of the conditions imposed by the Paris Club before debt relief was granted. If so, then the $18bn reprieve’s a Greek gift. Same rumors insist that other conditions for debt relief include prosecuting those who have bled this country dry. How come no one’s been brought up on charges yet? Remember the erstwhile Senate President who was accused of accepting bribes? Nada’s been done til date. In fact the guy was on TV the other day rendering his support for an anti-graft bill. Talk about ironic. Another rumor……wait, has anyone asked how Nigerians hear these rumors? If rumors are to be believed most Nigerian leaders are corrupt, one’s a bisexual crook and another was a weed-smoking psychopath. Nice heritage, huh?

Still on the fuel hike, I used my Sherlock Homeboy skills to elicit information from an unsuspecting pump attendant at the NNPC (the national oil company) gas station. (See what I do for y’all?) Dude told me though they sell product worth millions of Naira daily the get just 4,000 Naira a month. Yep, u read that right! That’s lower than the minimum wage. This dude’s hoping the populace goes on strike and I am with him.

To more pleasant stuff, I met the girlfriend’s sis on Friday and their mom on Sunday. First impressions? Think they are a bit wary of my motives. It’s all good though; the girlfriend’s yet to meet my mom so that’d be interesting. Think I might get a camcorder to capture that moment for posterity. U’da seen the girlfriend during lunch with her sister. It was almost as if she was trying to convince her I was a good guy. “Tunde lives in a lovely estate with a mini-golf course. There’s a nice chill out place by the riverside where people go to hang out and have meals….” Almost expected her to tell her sis that I have a cure for cancer. Ha huh ha huh Guess I know how she feels cos I told my family she’s a superhero from Planet Krypton. Not too sure if they believed me though.

Work update. Didn’t move to the competition ‘cos ‘cos…well, I feel cosy here. I told the club manager about the offer from the competition and he said he’ll talk to management to see if they can review the current pay structure. They’d better ‘cos peeps are tendering resignations nightly. Good, I say. Though it increases the number of lap dances I gotta give it also provides more leverage for when I negotiate my wage increase. The funny thang about this isn’t the blank looks on clients’ faces when they discover their fav stripper’s moved on – though the expression on one lady’s face was Picassoesque - but the letters of resignation. Seen all sorts I tell ya. Almost wanna pitch Mr. Gates an idea about including various formats for resignation letters in the next version of Microsoft Word. Truly, it’ll be a hit. Peep this:

1. Resignation letter from a guy who just won the lottery: Dear D*&khead, guess what? I am richer than u ever gonna be. Kiss my blistered left-ass cheek……………………PS: I must apologise for what I wrote above. Just consulted with my mistress / wife-to-be and a faux pas was brought to my attention. It’s my right-ass cheek that is blistered.
2. Resignation letter from a Japanese dude: Dear Big Boss, konishiwa. So sorry I have to resign from my post to look after my ill mother. I advised her to end her life by jumping outta the window but the sorry b*&^h is scared. I really am sorry………..PS: If say she, um, dies sooner than expected by some freak accident like self-suffocation, can I get my job back?
3. Resignation letter from a just converted suicide bomber: Dear Infidel, look under ur desk. Yup, that’s the crap ass digital watch u gave me to commemorate 20 years of loyal service. Cheapskate. Just in case u are wondering why the LCD screen is smeared with what looks like powder, let’s just say it’s payback time. Goodbye muthaf*&^er………PS: Would u be so kind as to press the button on the left, the explosive device cannot be activated unless the button is pressed. Thanks.
4. Resignation letter from Tunde:blank. Yup, I am not one to write letters. If I do decide to quit I am inscribing I QUIT on my fav lime green g-string and giving free lap dances all nite. That’d definitely piss management off.

Some entertainment news: nada new on the Scientology couple. Phew.
50 Cent’s rumored to be dating Nia Long. Man, do I need buckteeth and tight fitting halter tops to get Hollywood stars to glance in my direction? Damn. Now I’m officially hating on 50. Wasn’t too upset when he dated Vivica Fox as she’s ghetto and was clearly reeling from her divorce at that point. But Nia?! Not my Nia!!!!! Oh man.
Serena Williams dumped boyfriend Brett Ratner (director of the Rush Hour movies) on her reality show. Ouch. Hope this is not gonna affect his concentration on the set of X-Men 3. If Wolverine ends up dumping Storm when the movie arrives at ur local multiplex next year, now u know why.

Aiight time to go entertain some ladies. Wait, forgot to tell u what happened to me last week. Ever been in a room with someone else when u mistakenly let out a fart? U know u farted, the other person knows u farted, but u don’t say nada cos u hoping the other party’s nostrils are not functioning. Yup, that happened to me on Friday, but this time I was the victim. Here’s some free advise for y’all flatulent folk out there: if u can’t get access to a pack of Digestive biscuits spray some perfume on the garments covering ur nether region. That way when u fart it smells like perfume. Try it, it works. Martha Stewart, eat ur heart out.

Okay, really gotta go. Tot ziens and God bless.

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