My Freudian attempt

Julio here. Alles lekker? Cool. Been crazy busy at work, straddling the pole and performing for my numerous fans. I’m mega-tired – did a performance for a 90 year old lady last nite, that was paid for by her kids – and can’t wait to rest my perky bum on a couch this weekend. Yep, it’s football tourney time again. Euro 2004 kicks off today. While checking out news stories about the tourney I came across one that I’m sure y’all will find interesting.

This doctor (who shall hereon be known as Dr. Quack) stated that high levels of testosterone cause aggressive behaviour in guys, but testosterone levels also rise when men are attracted to women. In order to avoid a repeat of the fracas between English and German fans at Euro 2000 the good doctor suggests that gorgeous girls (in tight outfits) be taken along to watering holes frequented by the English fans in the hope that testosterone will be utilized in a more, erm, positive way. Hilarity ensued among the fellow strippers when I told them of this. Real tired of watching TV and seeing these so-called experts analysing everything from peeps’ signatures to facial expressions. As I’d some time on my hands – my favourite client was having a knee replacement - I decided to study the actions of music stars and here are some of my analyses.

1. 50 Cent: “I am from the streets. I got shot 9 times and I’m still here. I’m a real gangsta. B4 I started rapping I was selling dope on the streets.”
What he really meant to say: “I’m so depressed. I’m so tired of pretending. At night I wear braces for my teeth when I’m sure no one’s looking. I only wear a bulletproof vest ‘cos I love the feel of leather on my skin. I spend half a day in the gym and love to rub oil all over my body. Damn, I ain’t even sure about my sexuality! When I got shot, I cried like a beeaatch. I mean am I supposed to take it like a man when some guy pumps 9 bullets into my arse?”

2. Llyod Banks (from G-Unit): “Yo, Fity Cent and I are well tight. We grew up together and have been thru similar hard times. I’ve been stabbed once and I didn’t spend a night in the hospital afterwards ‘cos I’m hard like that.”
What he really meant to say: “Okay, okay, I didn’t go to the hospital ‘cos I couldn’t afford it….and, well, I’d a paper cut so I didn’t want folk to laff me outta place. For some reason Fity kept insisting that I get a doctor to look at my cut. Hmmm, it’s kinda weird the way he keeps looking at me. The other day I woke up to find him beside me in bed. He said he wanted to feel the contours of my face in the dark since I remind him so much of Craig David. I bolted outta the room when he offered to gimme a massage. Damn, dunno what to do now that we on tour together. Heeellp!”

3. Liam Gallagher (from Oasis): “I am well hard, I am. I am from the hard streets of Manchester, like. You best not mess with me.”
What he really meant to say: “I used to be well famous, now I’m just known for my mono-brow and the fact that I got the living daylights kicked outta me by some German estate agents. I’d won mucho respect when I lied that they were actually members of the German mafia. Leave it to my ex-publicist/baby mama to ruin that for me. Maybe I’da given her the money she asked for afterall. So tired of hearing about Chris Martin from Coldplay. Maybe I’da fathered a baby by a flat-chested Hollywood star instead of some has-been pop singer who can’t carry a tune. A ha, now I see why I was attracted to her in the first place!”

4. Ice-T (from…from…the 80s and early 90s?): “Yo, I’m the Ice Man. 4get about Ice Cube or Vanilla Ice, I’m the O.G. (Original Gangsta).”
What he really meant to say: “I am the fakest brother out there. Fity, Eminem, Ja Rule, they all got nada on me in the fake department. I’m the Oprah Winfrey of the rap game: I’m everything to everybody. I’ve lied about being a pimp, a drug dealer, a police informant, a hired killer, a McDonald’s employee of the month 10 months in a row, etc. I guess I’m just envious of these guys out there making viele geld and I’m here thinking of further lies to pad my resume with. I tried to be a spokesman for a range of ice-lollies, but those damn kids didn’t succumb. My last hope is David Hasselhoff (or as I like to call him Desperate Dave), now there’s a guy who’s just as hopeless as I am. Let’s hope when his CD drops his loyal fans in Germany will pony up.”

So what did y’all think? I hope this proves that there’s more to Julio than some nice underwear. Off to ingest some herb; y’all interested in joining me in this fantastic voyage? Tot ziens.