Thursday, June 29, 2006

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ‘97 if I offer u one advice this would be it: Wear Sunscreen

Hola peeps. Hombre, necesito un coche. All’s fine here in the PH and best of all I’ve now got my own crib (more on that later). First, must tell y’all I am having withdrawal symptoms from not having had roast plantain and fish for over a week now. Due to construction work being carried out around the club restaurant the eateries have been closed indefinitely. Dunno how much I can take it y’all; I am having the shakes and worst of all, I’m losing facial hair ‘cos of this. How else am I supposed to create fanciful moustache designs?

Michael Jackson, Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac, Prince, Vivica A. Fox, and most black stars. What do these guys have in common? The more successful they became the lighter their skin tones. (Only Wesley Snipes looks the same and that’s cos the guy’s so dark he leaves fingerprints on charcoal.) Dudes, have y’all seen Vivica A. Fox lately? She looks like a friggin’ drag queen; her face is so bad she’d change her last name to Jackson. This was same chick that was once on People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People list. Sad. Man, her divorce really musta messed her up. First, she dates 50 Cent, then gets a tattoo, finally she goes all out to have plastic surgery on her boobies (which were perfectly okay before), her face, and who knows where else. It’s like she’s abiding by the WWLKD principle; WWLKD = What Would Li’l Kim Do.

The paragraph above is apt ‘cos a mate of mine recently saw an ad for Public Relation Officers (PROs) for a new niteclub in Lagos, and thing that pissed her off is the proprietors requested for “half-caste girls in their 20s”. I laffed when she told me, but wasn’t surprised. C’mon, this colonial mentality still affects most Nigerians in the way we react. Why do u think girls use bleaching (sorry, toning) creams in order to attract guys? I agree with the proprietors’ stance man, and as of this moment I’m off black chicks. If u black and I date u u’d better be real light-skinned (or red-bone, or light-skinDED, as my ebonics-speaking bros say) or an albino. Hey, my kids gotta have good hair since I am losing mine. I’m totally serious. In fact don’t even talk to me if u are darker than me. White power peeps, white power.

The details of my weekend are below.

Friday: Met up with a mate and he hooked me up with a cab driver so no more okada drivers gonna be bugging me. Yippee. Contacted the driver and he dropped me off at another mate’s. Tell dude I’m interested in hitting the town so moi, the dude, his brother, and their girlfriends all jump in his car to sample the delights of PH. Man, I’m crazy stoked ‘cos woulda gone stir crazy if I’d spent another Friday nite in that house. Finally, I’ll get to judge if PH chicks are as fine as peeps say they are. Hope places we visit would remind me of this club, DREAMS, in D.C. Man, never seen so many fine black women in one place. I swear I fell in love with a different chick every 5 seconds. Serious. Anyways, our first point of call is Big Bite. As the name implies it’s an eatery, but has a large outdoor area where live music is played. Man, can’t folk here think outside the box? The major mall here, Happy Bite, is named after an eatery now one of the primo hangout spots has the “bite” suffix as well. How original. Almost like folk in Atlanta naming most streets Peachtree ‘cos Georgia’s known for its peaches.

Sorry to digress again. So chill at Big Bite for a bit when my hosts meet a mate of theirs who’s with his girlfriend and her mate. We order drinks and everyone’s frigging shocked I am teetotal. Man, I’m getting tired of peeps acting like I’ve got a friggin’ disease when they find out I don’t drink alcohol. “Why don’t u drink… it ‘cos of religion……u are so uncool man…..” Man, I don’t give a hoot anymore and tired of explaining to folk why I stopped drinking. I am so uncool, huh? Whatever. Man, I’m so cool when I fart it’s like breeze from the ocean. I’m so cool if u didn’t know me u’d swear I was from the arctic. I’m so cool Jack Nicholson comes to me for tips. I’m so cool……hey, if I’m so cool I won’t need to defend my coolness, would I? Oooops, er, forget I wrote the last few sentences. Let’s just delete them shall we? Man, I’m so cool when I fart it’s like breeze from the ocean. I’m so cool if u didn’t know me u’d swear I was from the arctic. I’m so cool Jack Nicholson comes to me for tips. Aiight.

Okay so where was I? Yeah, so we at Big Bite and everyone’s drinking and I’m enjoying an ice cream when I look across the table and fall over my seat, literally. The table across has like 6 crazy fine chicks….and they all light-skinded too. Now I know the difference b/w Lagos chicks and PH chicks. Fine chicks in Lagos usually surround themselves with less fine friends while in PH the fine chicks here have fine friends. Man, if this is what the rest of the night has in store then I’m ace. Now if I can find a way to get those guys away from them. Arrrggghhhh. Yeah, so I’m making casual conversation with my mate’s girlfriend, the band’s playing and all seems right with the world. Then I notice the girlfriend of the dude we met at the joint is draining her bottle of Guinness like it’s going outta fashion. Man, this chick should be on TV! Anyways, Guinness chick, her friend and her boyfriend leave us to head to somewhere else while the rest of us chill for a bit. Okay, we weren’t really chilling. We’da gone with them but mate’s girlfriend happened to come across a text message on his phone so seized the car keys. Man, what an inauspicious start to the night. Why should she read his text messages anyways? Maybe the better question to ask is why dude let her have his phone if he’s got incriminating stuff on it. An even better question is why am I talking to myself when I’d be plotting to move to the table across? After mate whispers a few sweet nothings in his girlfriend’s ear (for an hour) we depart for LULU’S.

Wait almost forgot to tell y’all about the live band at Best Bite. They seemed to have an affinity for Akon and did a remarkable job. They kinda lost my support with their rendition of 2Face Idibia’s African Queen. How best can I describe it? Imagine a souped-up Igbolized version of African Queen that the male patrons end up dancing to by waving their hankies and wiggling arses like it was Oliver DeCoque playing. Shocking, huh? Well multiply that by a shock factor of 5. If 2Face wasn’t so busy getting English lessons I swear he’da gone ballistic. If that wasn’t bad enuff the band seemed to have a favourite patron and would refer to him before each song. “Chiefito, how body? I know say u like girls with big breasts, so here’s a song about breasts….” And they’d go on to play whatever ‘Chiefito’ wanted. Saddest thang about it is Chiefito never said a word, he’d send some dude in a faded white t-shirt to respond to the band whenever they directed a question to him. Serious.

So we arrive at Lulu’s and see our fav Guinness chick’s downing another bottle of her, er, medicine. Man, I pray she never reads this ‘cos she seems like a nice chick. I’m only going into details ‘cos y’all asked for some, and, well, I’d nada better to do since most peeps around the table were ‘coupled’ up. Next thing u know my host is whispering in my ear to hang with the Guinness chick’s friend, u know, “just to talk”. I politely declined ‘cos I wasn’t in the mood and there’s nothing I hate worse than those awful, long silences in conversations when peeps have nada to say to each other. Besides, the chick wasn’t my type – yup, she was darker than Wesley – and some better looking chicks had settled at the table across. Okay, time to go do my thang. I’ll walk over, introduce myself, crack a joke and………oh no, they came with guys. Man, what’s up with this town? Can’t women go out on their own?! So while hatching a plan to talk to the chicks grilled fish gets delivered to our table, and it was at that point I was happy I didn’t talk to the dark chick. U know how African American women always claim they have some Indian in them? Well, this chick musta had some piranha in her ‘cos she went thru that fish like she was enrolled in a fish-eating contest. Man, it was a sight to behold. Now I see why she’s friends with the Guinness chick; they’d have a double act on TV.

After Lulu’s we went to…..oh forgot to tell ya I succeeded in getting to the table with the chicks after their male friends went for a stroll. I was my usual nice self and got one of them to gimme her digits – the other one wasn’t fine anyways – so we’d hang out sometime soon. Called her yesterday (hey, I was playing hard to get) and discovered she’s a student at the University of Port Harcourt. Arrrggghhh, not another student. Man, is that how aristoism starts?

Okay, yeah, after Lulu’s we head to G’s PLACE, which is like a small niteclub but the music wasn’t bad. Spent most of nite dancing with host’s girlfriend. Best thang about the nite? We got tired of the scene about 4am and drove home. Yup, we actually drove to his crib at that time of the morning, even though it was on the other side of town. If I was in Lagos I’da waited ‘til 5.30am or later to drive home ‘cos of the security situation. Went out dancing with an ex once in Lagos and dropped her off at her’s – she lives not too far from the club – at 3am. Then, went back to the club, but got bored with the scene by 4am. Had to sleep in my ride ‘til 6am before I drove home. Now that’s one aspect where PH’s got Lagos beat.

Saturday: Woke up early-ish ‘cos had booked an appointment with another estate agent to go house hunting. We departed mine about 11am after dude told me his fees – it includes a 1,000 Naira ‘transportation’ fee, even though I’m the one paying for our journey around town – we jumped in the Batmobile, okay it was an okada, and went in search of the perfect bachelor crib. After a few misses we found it at 2pm. This was a newly built, never-been-lived-in 3-bedroom apartment. Man, it was love at first smell (of fresh paint); everywhere was marbled. I immediately pictured where the TV would be situated; the location of the huge bowl for eating cereal was sorted as well in my mind. At that point in time I was ready to appear on MTV Cribs.

Hey, ever wondered what MTV Cribs Nigeria would be like? “Hi, welcome to my crib. These are my cars. As u can see I’ve inscribed my license plate number on the side mirrors so they don’t get stolen. It also serves as a deterrent to police who wanna trump up a charge against u.
This is my compound. The barbed wires u see across the fence are top of the range baby. Bling bling. I used to have broken beer bottles up there, but that was when I was much younger and still ‘street’.
Come into my bedroom. Yup, this is where the magic happens. Okay seriously, I don’t know what that means but I hear those Americans say it so reckon I’d as well. Er, do they perform magic tricks in their bedroom? Hey, can u imagine what David Blaine would say if the MTV Cribs cameras went into his bedroom? Ha. Knowing that dude he probably sleeps in his bath tub…..filled with ice. Okay let’s move on to the kitchen.
Here in the kitchen u can see the rattraps under the fridge and in the store, sorry I meant pantry. Also u can see the sacks of rice, beans and some unripe plantain. Those collection of plastic bowls u see up there have been gleaned from weddings attended over the years. I have more than I ever need, but whenever I go for weddings I still fight tooth and nail to acquire more. What can I say, it’s tradition.”

Okay, back to reality. So I check out the apartment and I’m loving everything about it. Price is a bit steep and goodness knows I cannot afford a 3-bedroom crib, but I cannot help but love the place. If I gotta dance for ladies for 24 hours non-stop I’m getting this place.

Sunday: Woke up at 4am ‘cos my back was hurting. Had to crash on the uncomfortable curlicue metal couch ‘cos my mate’s back in town and his girlfriend Sira spent the nite. Used the opportunity to send a text message to Nengi informing her that I’d not be able to make church ‘cos my clothes are in my mate’s room and he has, er, company. Nengi called about 8am laffing her ass off at my predicament. Man, I need to get that house asap; it’s a shame I couldn’t see the landlord yesterday. Anyways, good thang Nengi’s laffing ‘cos it shows she’s not as mad at me as she once was. Yup, TRT kicked in again 2 weeks ago. U see she picked me up from work to view some other place I was interested in getting and afterwards she suggested we stop by her’s so she’d pick up food prepared by her mom. Day was crazy stressful and it didn’t help that I’d developed a crush on a married colleague. I know what y’all are gonna say, but she’s the only fine chick that works here….and her smile, man, her smile. Sorry to digress yet again.

Anyways, so we getting to Nengi’s when she tells me to step out of the car and walk to the other side of the road. U what?! Turns out that though she’s turning 28 in a few weeks – oops, that reminds me, I gotta remember to get her a gift when in Lagos this weekend – her dad still doesn’t let guys visit her at home. Couldn’t fathom that and must confess I kinda sulked after she picked me up. Hey, I’m working at curbing TRT attacks! Cut me some slack here. The next morning it dawns on me what a punk I’d been; I mean this is a chick who feeds my punk arse and I respond by acting like an infantile punk ‘cos I get asked to make a sacrifice once. Man, I’m such an arse sometimes. Okay, enuff self-bashing. I pick up my new, sleek cell phone and give her a call. I apologize for my behaviour and I can tell immediately she’s still pissed. Apologized almost daily since then but she hasn’t budged and I haven’t seen her. That’s why u understand why I was so pleased she laffed at my predicament. OBTW she promised to show up at mine later in the day on Sunday, but stood me up and didn’t even call to apologise. Guess I deserve that.

Spent the early part of Sunday drooling about the house I saw on Saturday. My mate then invites me to this shindig his mate’s hosting. We get there and it’s like a mad house. All guys drinking and smoking and just one chick, the host’s girlfriend. We all watching the footie on the TV and this chick’s almost subservient. This is worse than being a geisha. Again I don’t drink so I get to observe stuff. Dude sends the girl to the market to buy meat in order to make some pepper-soup for the boys; she dutifully goes. After she’s done cooking dudes eat and fling the bowls wherever they feel like; she picks stuff up. Most eerie part of the day was when the match was over and all the guys are chilling, u know, shooting the breeze. Some dude drops a bottle of beer and chick runs out with a broom and a dustpan and host, threw his blurry gaze, showers encomiums on his chick. “Man, this my babe try o. She too dey…..” Dude had the look of pride Mary J. Blige did in that dinner party scene in her video (Be Without You), when her beau (Terrence Howard’s character) is the life of the party. An ‘awwwwww’ moment, right? Wrong. After she’d done sweeping up, dude snickers to his friends about some other chicks they had to meet and left the girl in the crib alone. Ouch. Man, I could never date a girl like that. I’d always be scared she’d slit my throat one night when I’m asleep.

So there u have it. That’s what I was up to over the weekend. Oh no, forgot to mention I also saw some DVDs. Hoodwinked is a funny ass movie. Man, I’da thot of that concept. The end was kinda flat though. Here’s a brief review of movies I’ve seen in the past few months (okay we’ll just do the ones I saw in the cinema).

1. Mission Impossible 3: Felt it was better than Part 2. A shame it didn’t make as much money as its predecessors though. That’ll teach Tom Cruise for having a brain fart on Oprah’s show.

2. X3: Beautiful….though lacked some soul. Maybe it’s ‘cos it was directed by Brett Ratner, whom a CNN movie critic referred to as “an industrialist”. Lol…industrialist, that’s funny.

3. The DaVinci Code: Some background. I had to watch this movie ‘cos I’d bought 2 tickets for X3 and this chick stood me up. Cinema proprietors said they wouldn’t gimme cash for the unused ticket and offered to swap it for a ticket for next available movie which turned out to be The Davinci Crap. Walked in about 20 mins after the movie had started, but man, it was still too loooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggg. Funniest moment was some chick in seat behind me shouting at the screen. “Blasphemy! These guys are fools”, she mouthed. Lol…sure, and she paid to watch the movie, so who’s the fool?
OBTW the chick who stood me up called with a perfectly good excuse. If she wasn’t so fine I’da been pissed.

Oops, it’s 8.20pm and need to get home. See what blogging for y’all has done to me? Just called my cab driver and dude’s stuck in mad traffic ‘cos of the rain. So how am I gonna find my way home now seeing as okadas are prohibited from travelling after 7pm? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Ooops, How Am I Gonna Get Home? Tot ziens and God bless.

Here’s some other ideas for MTV Base Africa (since they seem to lack programming knowledge) that I came up with with my Ugandan mate Daveed:

1. Pimp My Phone: This is where Xzibit 2Face Idibia surprises women by exchanging their crappy phones for sleek ones. Sometimes he might even purchase air time for them.

2. Pimp My Passport: This is where Africans are finally granted visas to the US after years of rejection. “Thank u MTV for pimping my passport. I know u gave me a six month visa, but ain’t no way I am coming back.”

U’ve the Chicken, the Funky Chicken, u even have the Snake; another thang roaches didn’t do for us humans: inspiration for dance steps. OBTW, haven’t noticed any roaches since last blog. Thanks for fasting and praying.

That UniPort chick’s been flashing (beeping) me like crazy. Does this qualify me as an aristo yet?

Just got a call from chick who stood me up; she now has a pet puppy. Awwwww. Time to watch Fatal Instinct again. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Best thing about not drinking is observing inebriated folk diss each other. Some priceless gems from Sunday:

1. Abeg na u get that yeye car wey be like one wey terrorists dey take do suicide bombing?
2. Na free that shoemaker take cut ya hair, abi?

Just an aside: I think I’ve discovered why most guys drink. It’s probably due to the fact that we aren’t great at making conversation like women are. Say guys get together w/o alcohol, after discussing footie and business for a bit we have nada left to say. That’s why when u see a group of male friends chilling in a bar and an hour goes by they run outta stuff to say. As soon as another mate of theirs walks in notice how animated they get. If they Nigerian they start cheering him: “Bad guy….husband of the ladies…..etc”. Secretly, they hoping dude has some fresh topics to talk about. Observe this some time and u’ll see. And yes, I know I’m a genius.

Bin Laden just released another tape. Man, this dude’s like friggin’ 2Pac, releasing a tape/CD every year.

Comments-[ comments.]

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I compare to u a kiss from a rose on the hip

Hola peeps. Está lloviendo aquí otra vez. Still in PH and still not loving the city. In all honesty maybe it’s ‘cos my ‘honeymoon’ period with Nengi and Sira is over. The chicks still call, but don’t enquire as to my feeding anymore. Maybe I’d not have ranted on and on – if u know me u know that’s the bane of my life - to them about my love of roast plantain and fish. Boo hoo.

So how y’all been? Planned to go out Friday nite with a mate of some dude I went to Bradford with, but when dude realised where I was staying he suddenly realized he had to work late. Ha. Definitely gonna go out this weekend as mate I’m staying with is back in town this week and, best of all, he’s got a car. Finally. So while y’all in Lagos and elsewhere were out on the town on Friday night ur matey Tunde was indoors watching DVDs. All was going swimmingly until I felt like a midnight snack. Walked into the kitchen and saw the damn roaches; probably the same ones who pushed my bog roll into the bog. I know it’s them ‘cos one of them looked at me, snickered, and turned around so I’d have a front row view of some Beyonce-booty dance he was doing. Needless to say I lost it and chased these punks around the kitchen for the next hour. Ended up killing four of them by the time I was done. Man, I am getting real good at this roach-killing thang. I’d channel this skill into a money-making venture such as a video game or a self-help book. Heard of Brian Tracy’s Eat That Frog? Well, Tunde’s Kill That Roach should be hitting ur bookstores anytime soon.

Let me paint u a picture:

Lady (screaming at top of her lungs): “My baby is trapped in that burning building. Help! Someone help!!!”
Bystander 1: “Who can help her?”
Bystander 2: “What is that? Is it a bird?”
Bystander 1: “No, it’s a plane.”
Bystander 2: “Wait, it’s, it’s, oh no, it’s that crap Cockroachman.”
Cockroachman: “Yes, it’s me, Cockroach, sorry, Roachman. Yes, Roachman. Ur friendly neighbourhood superhero and…….”
Bystander 1: “Booo. Boo. Leave us alone. Go bother someone else.”
CockroachmanRoachman: “But I am here to help. Just gimme a chance…”
Bystander 2: “But whatever. Get ur butt outta here. Someone get Spiderman.”
Lady with kid in peril: “That’s right, get me Spiderman or even a fireman. God don’t like ugly and He won’t make an exception for u, so leave here……”

Yep, roaches are vile creatures, that’s why u never had a radioactive cockroach nibble Peter Parker’s hand. Spiderman, Atom Ant, Secret Squirrel, Danger Mouse, Mighty Mouse, Deputy Dog, Jabber Jaw, Flipper, etc. Cockroachman? Could never happen. What would his powers be, being able to withstand a nuclear holocaust? So? By then he’d be the only person alive and what fun would that be? What have roaches ever done for us humans? Okay, apart from providing inspiration for the song La Cucaracha and helping LL Cool J achieve his new hit Lose Control. What, u didn’t know that? U see I was watching a behind-the-scenes show when I saw the ff.

LL (licking his lips): “Yo bodyguard, this is the first song I am gonna produce and I have singled out J.Lo to sing the hook. Problem is I can’t think of anything to rap about.”
Bodyguard: “Yo Todd, maybe u’d go old school. How did u write I Need Love?”
LL (putting on some lip balm): “Yo u right, dawg. ‘When I am alone in my room/ Sometimes I stare at the wall/ And at the back of my mind I hear my conscience call/ Telling me I need a girl who’s as sweet as a doll/ For the first time in my life I see, I see, arrrrrrggggghhhhh, a roach!!!!!!!’”
Bodyguard (after stamping on the roach): “Damn Todd, didn’t realize u were such a wuss.”
LL (chewing the lip balm): “Screw u man. If u value ur job u’ll shut up about this. I ain’t no wuss, I just hate those damn roaches. So sneaky u hardly hear them coming. I cannot control myself around them. I wish they made the buzz sounds of bees so I know they coming. Even the ze ze ze ze ze ze ze zez zezze sound of mosquitoes would be fine.”

So there u have it. Okay, enuff time spent on roaches…….okay, just one more. Just found out the complete title of Mr. Tracy’s book is Eat That Frog! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time. I was gonna read the book, but other stuff kept coming up. Ha huh ha huh ha. Man, I kill myself.. Anyways, I’ve decided to adopt Mr. Tracy’s style and changed the book title to Kill That Roach! 101 Ways to Kill Cockroaches……literally.. Here’s a snippet:

1. the sole of ur shoe
2. the sole of ur flip flops
3. a broom
4. insecticide
5. the power of positive thinking
6. prayer
7. prayer and fasting
8. prayer and fasting…and when u break ur fast make sure u lay crumbs on the floor to attract cockroaches and then use any of steps 1-3 above
9. hot candle wax; the exhilarating feeling u get when u see them squirm is to die for (well, they being the ones to die)
10. surprise attack: turn off lights in entire house and put on night vision glasses so u can attack them furtively
11. use bubble wrap to plaster walls of crib so when u kill the roaches u enjoy a pop sound; this is also known as the Rice Krispies method
12. capture roaches and export them to America so desperate youth can munch on them during a task on Fear Factor.

If u order ur copies now I’ll include a fab shot of my new, improved six pack.

Went apartment hunting yesterday with an estate agent Nengi hooked me up with. Either estate agents are real broke or the norm here is for one to pay the agent’s way around. Got to his place and expected him to take me around in his ride. Nope, this dude jumped on a bike and had to follow him around on another bike. Worst of all had to pay for his transportation as well. Estate agents should be used-car salesmen or politicians ‘cos they’ll try to convince u about anything. We went to an apartment that would be too small for a dwarf on his knees and the bog bowl was installed right next to the shower with no partition; the kitchen’s right next to the toilet as well. Yet this dude tried to convince me that it’d be perfect for me. Indeed. More house hunting this weekend so should be pretty eventful. I’ll keep y’all informed.

More house-hunting news: Mate just told me about a place close to the club that’s up for lease. I hope it’s not a bad place as the proximity to the club would help avoid riding on okadas for a while, especially the dude whose aversion to clothing borders on the Pavlovian. Man, if I get the place it’d be the first time I have a place of mine own. Woah, I’m getting responsible, huh?

Hey, I’ve actually discovered stuff that’s dirt cheap in PH: passport pics! For y’all aspiring models and photographers out there this is the town for y’all. It costs just 300 bucks for 16 passport pics, while place I go to in Lagos costs four times as much. Found out about cheap pics ‘cos club’s HR folk require more passport pics than folk at NYSC. Anyways, took some passport pics in Lagos and they were so fab I requested the negatives. Ever looked at urself in the mirror and u look so nice u wanna kiss urself? Well, the pics are like that. Dunno if the sun shone at a marvellous angle that day, but the pics turned out great. Not since my ‘cute’ pre-teen years have I taken such photogenic pics. Man, so chuffed I’m making multiple copies of the pics and handing them out to complete strangers. Seriously, unless I get a bad scar or something that’s gonna be my ‘current’ passport pic until I die. On my obituary my family had better publish that pic!

Man, y’all would never guess what happened last week? U see this chick who I met few months ago……ooops, just remembered she reads my blog so can’t tell y’all the score. Damn. Maybe I’d start a separate blog of more intimate stuff that’s been ensconced in the deeper recesses of my mind for a while now. Hmmm………..maybe not.

Wedding news: One of my bro Akin’s fav ex-girlfriend’s got married recently and sent me the wedding pics. Woulda included the link here but website requires a password to access it, and I can’t share that with y’all…..for free. So if any of y’all swears to babysit for my brood when I’m married y’all can gain access to the site. Ha. The chick looked real pretty though. Yep, another of Akin’s ex’s bites the dust. The way the dude’s going I doubt if he has any ex’s left that haven’t taken the plunge. We tease him at home that with women he’s like the Lagos Lottery: E fit be u o.

More wedding news: Remember one of my earliest blog entries when I told y’all about the chick with the denim fetish? Well, she got hitched 2 Saturdays ago. No word yet on the choice of denim fabric the wedding gown was made out of. Ha. Man, I kill myself. Anyways, as it turns out Akin’s current ‘girlfriend’ snagged the bouquet thrown by the bride. I’ll be sure to rib him about it when I get to Lagos at month end.

Yet more wedding news: Ex-girlfriend (of first 10-month relationship) sent me pics taken at the wedding of a mutual friend. Surprisingly, most pics are not of the bride and groom, but of her. That’s right…going….who’ll gimme a 10 on vanity…….thank u sir, a 20 perhaps? C’mon someone gimme a 20 on vanity……. Lol. She’d gained a li’l weight since last time I saw her in 2001, but guess that’s expected since she’s now married. U know how she see pics of my ex’s and wonder what u ever saw in them? Well, that’s not the case with this chick. Most I can remember about her is her voice; a sorta Jennifer Tilly-Melanie Griffith combo, only nicer. Memories, ah memories.

Work news: Started pre-defensive driving lessons and commence the proper ones next month. Cannot wait. Gonna try out the newly acquired skills in Lagos to avoid those LASTMA folk.

Most guys I work with are married and quite good to hear stories from them so I don’t make mistakes they did. Dunno if they pretending, but most of the guys seem content at marriage. Guess that’s not such a bad thang. Best thang about these guys is they haven’t tried to hook the bachelors up with anyone; though they keep hinting that there are loadsa single, desperate-to-be married chicks that work in the club. It’s so bad that if u look at one the wrong way she’s telling her folks about u and planning entries for the wedding website.

Girl: I could tell from the way he looked at me that this was the man I’d marry. With the way he winked at me there was no mistaking love in his eyes.

Guy: I forgot my glasses at home the first day I met her, and ‘cos I’m cross-eyed I thot I was waving to another colleague. Next thing I know she walks over and asks if I am serious about asking her out. U what?! Anyways, I decided it couldn’t hurt to have a meal with her so gave her my number. She took me over to her’s for dinner and that’s the last thing I remember about that day. The next day I woke up in a garage, chained to the wall, a la the movie SAW. In order to get released I was forced to sign an ITW (Intent to Wed) form. If u reading this, please help me. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

More work news: No news yet on when we’ll do some actual dancing in front of paying customers. Been told it’s ‘cos we need to get our act down pat as we gonna be performing for female clients in a secret location soon. Secret? Whatever. All I know is I hope the secret location’s so hot I am forced to perform shirtless ‘cos been working out like crazy and need to show off my abs. Always fantasized about performing in a pair of lowrider jeans (so my butt crack’s showing) and body-popping to Lee Aaron’s I Just Wanna Make Love To You, while handing out cans of Diet Coke to female clients. Who says breakdancing can’t be sexy?

Family news: Since I’ve been here I’ve hardly spoken to family, but chat online with Loye now and then. Man, it’s been less than a month and already forgetting my loved ones in Lagos. Oh PH….sob, sob…..u had me from hello ‘Welcome to PH’. OBTW I forgot to tell y’all I’m in love. I know it’s been less than a month but her actions have taken my breath away. Yep, u guessed it; I am totally besotted with Nengi’s mom. Man, she made some turkey for me the other day that was straight outta the movies. She then topped it off on Tuesday by providing some beans and plantain. This is my very first case of love at first taste. I need to call the woman to thank her.

Hookup news: Aloooo o, alo. I’ll tell y’all two stories and give u the moral of the stories afterwards. Cool? Good.

Story 1: Guy’s digging this chick so goes to check her up at her apartment. Chick humors dude for a few minutes and says she just wants to step out for a minute. Dude stays for over an hour when he suddenly realizes he’s been used as a glorified security guard so he abandons the apartment. After a few days of non-contact the chick visits the dude’s apartment, apologizes for what she did and soon afterwards she becomes his girlfriend.

Story 2: Guy talks to some chick, on a platonic trip, about twice a week. Conversations stop when dude finds out that chick’s been dissing him that, among other stuff, his voice drops lower when he’s on the phone.

Moral of the story: Guys deal with new relationships based on experiences gained from previous encounters with women (mothers, sisters, girlfriends). Guy in stories 1 and 2 is urs truly, and both experiences have helped, as much as the TRT incidents, in shaping the way I deal with women. It mightn’t be fair, but that’s the way life is. After the incident in story 1 I decided there ain’t a woman fine enuff who’d do that to me again. That probably helped in shaping my three-calls-and-u-out (i.e. if I call u 3ice and don’t get a positive response or u don’t call back then I’m deleting ur number) approach to chicks I am interested in. Regarding story 2, in my defence I must say it ain’t my fault my voice drops an octave lower when I’m on the phone with women. It’s, er, er, a skin condition.

So what do these stories have to do with anything? Well, y’all remember the tale of two mates who went for dinner and dude requested the girl pay? Good. Here’s a follow-up: Dude involved called me up to ask if the chick had told me anything. Told dude he officially emasculated himself in the chick’s eyes when he offered not to pay for dinner. Dude explained that he’d told the chick beforehand that she’d be paying and that the chick musta thot he was joking. To cut a long story short, dude’s really feeling the chick, but now chick doesn’t wanna give him a chance. Guess it doesn’t help the dude’s cause that this chick’s surrogate older sister (SOS) thinks the guy’s a loser. Thang is dude probably has had similar experiences when chicks paid for dinner and so thot it’d not be a problem this time. So all y’all women out there maybe it’s time y’all realized men don’t know everything and some hints might not go amiss. Oh well, he’ll learn from this.

Off to go do some voice-training lessons. Tot ziens and God bless.

Yeah, dude that’s been owing me bucks forever called the other day and asked for my account details. Let’s hope he wasn’t just teasing me ‘cos the dude sounded quite inebriated when he called at 1am. If the dude was really yanking my chain I’ll be sure to add a special chapter to Kill That Roach: The Special Edition, in which I advise peeps on best way to dispose of debtors without going to jail.

Step 1: Buy the DVD box-set of CSI and watch it like ur life depends on it, ‘cos it actually does.
Step 2: Get a Matlock-like attorney, just in case Step 1 fails

Comments-[ comments.]

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Ace Ventura and Dr. Doolittle are punk ass punks

Hola peeps. Deseo a mi mama. DESEO A MI MAMA!!!!! Man, it’s only been a week but my love affair with PH is officially over! Forget myths, here are a few home truths:

1. Power:- Forget what I wrote in past blog entries. The power situation here is abysmal. Maybe if the governor took his hat off once in a while and stopped dedicated cabs to our dead first lady he’da sorted this problem out. Power supply here is like a friggin’ lottery. To make matters worse the generator at mate’s house has packed up so I have not been following the FIFA World Cup. Arrrrggggghhhhh.

2. Women:- Difficult to see women when on the back of a speeding bike, but from what I gather they not much prettier than women u see on the streets of Lagos. Actually, had planned to go out Friday night with Nengi and her bro to properly investigate the myth, but plan had to be put on the backburner ‘cos some Neanderthals, hosting a party, blocked off the main road leading to my crib. Are these peeps insane? In Lagos if stuff like this happened everyone attending such a party would be arrested. Maybe it’s time the folk here adopted this strategy.

3. Cost:- Went grocery shopping on Sunday and the bill nearly caused me to slap the cashier…..twice. Man, this place is friggin’ expensive. Even peeps here are scared to give beggars less than a hundred naira.

4. Crib:- Going apartment hunting during lunch hour ‘cos mate’s coming back a week from now. Well, to be honest it’s more than that. Cockroaches. Damn cockroaches. I woke up the other night to the sound of what I thot was someone typing on a computer keyboard. Who would be typing at 4am, I thought. Discovered noise was being made by a punk ass cockroach. Man, I musta killed more cockroaches here in a week than I have my entire life. Seems insecticide is deodorant to these mutant ‘roaches. The other day I walked into the bathroom and found ‘someone’ had pushed my expensive, soft-textured bog roll into the toilet bowl. I nearly cried. Man, have u tried cleaning fecal matter with wet bog roll? Boo hoo. Maybe the scarcity of power is making me paranoid, but I reckon it’s the ‘roaches that did it. As no one has the keys to my room and the bog roll was left on my bed, who else could have done this?

5. Waste Management:- Saw neighbor taking out the trash on my way to office. Engaged her in conversation and realized she was gonna take an okada to the junction in order to dispose of waste. Yup, that bad. Good thang is I don’t think it’s common practice around here. For crap (pun intended) waste management I hear the place to go to is Abia State……and the governor of that state wants to be President of Nigeria in 2007. As if.

6. Cabs:- Got hooked up with a cab driver to take me to the office in the mornings. As I gotta get to work by 7am told dude to show up at mine by 6.30. Dude disappointed me on very first day and offered no apologies. He later explained he “didn’t feel comfortable waking up that early to pick someone up.” U what? Isn’t that his job?! Just like a doctor saying, “Nah, don’t feel like saving lives today….”

7. Okada:- Maybe I was a li’l too critical of bikes in my last blog entry. I mean what other mode of transport will let u fly past traffic while having the wind blow thru ur flowing locks, (or goatee, in my case)? The rush of adrenaline while almost ramming into the back of a car is ethereal. Y’all should experience it once in ur life. It’s amazing, it’s incredible, it’s….okay truth be told the lisping bike driver with a penchant for being grabbed by the waist showed up at my crib again, but this time he had on just boxer shorts. “Oga, I dey sorry. Hol’ on, hol’ on. Before u call the local guys to beat me up, I just wan apologize for last time. To make up for it I’ll give u free rides to and from the office for a week.” Of course I took up his offer. Man, PH folk are soooooooo nice.

Off to start my swimming lessons. Oh, didn’t I tell y’all? The club proprietor wants us newbies to take swimming lessons and defensive driving classes. U see dude used to be a method actor before his entrepreneurial skills kicked in, so insists we take the aforementioned lessons in order to “feel the part” for the new James Bond revue we got planned. Can’t wait to try on the purple, velvet tuxedo.

Tot ziens and God bless.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, June 12, 2006

My hips don’t lie……but my lips tell tales

Hola peeps. Otro día otra entrada. PH is aiight, but still getting ‘advice’ from mates. Since last blog entry I got contacted by long-lost mates and one responded, “u’d better be careful, PH women are desperate” and the other, “man, be careful. My friend in the US got $14,000 stolen from his crib by some PH girl. He can’t say anything about it ‘cos he’s married…” This just in from a coworker who gave a toast at a wedding last month in PH: “I was hung over from the bachelor’s eve the night before and ended up saying gibberish. Saw disgust on the faces of the audience so thot I’d end with a mushy line. I ended speech by saying I hoped by May next year single guys like moi would be married as well. As I was exiting the venue some chicks standing by the exit said, ‘We are waiting for u.’” So there u have it.

Getting used to life here. Must say I’m looking forward to my mate’s arrival so we can go shopping in his ride. Right now all we have in the fridge is water, loads and loads of bottles of water. Kinda reminds me of another bachelor pad back in the ATL. We used to diss this dude that all he had in his crib was water and heat. Even in the summer his heater was always on.

Spoke to dad a few days ago and told him about my chosen mode of transport here. Dude was horrified and asked if the okada riders in PH are as reckless as those in Lagos. After I affirmed his fears dude suggested fixing my car rapidly so I could use it in PH. Huh, whatever happened to, “My dad died when I was 12 and I have been looking out for myself since so u don’t need me to help out all the time….”? Awwww, dude REALLY cares. Told him I am cool and don’t mind experiencing life on okadas for a while. Yup, that white-man gene is definitely becoming dominant. Lol. I can count on one hand the number of times I’d mounted okadas before arriving in PH.

a. Ketu, circa 1993: After retaking GCE exams – yep, at some point in my life I didn’t take academics too seriously – at some school in Ketu I stayed behind ‘cos of some crap shindig organized by a dude who lived around the area. Chick interested in didn’t show up and by time I was ready to leave I realized only means of transportation was okada. It was a 5 minute ride to nearest bus stop, but seemed like a lifetime ‘cos I was sweating buckets.

b. Mile 2, circa 1996: Got a call from girlfriend-to-be, who was mates with my bro Akin’s girlfriend, saying she’d be visiting Ogbomoso, where my uni was located. Even though I was broke as heck at the time I borrowed, nah nicked, bucks from mom and proceeded to Mile 2 to catch the next bus for Ibadan. Almost as soon as I left my crib it started raining like heck thot an okada ride would be fastest means to avoid impending traffic. (Man, see what I do for women!) All was cool ‘til we got to Mile 2 and dude thot he’d impress me by braking fast. Ended up in a ditch and bruised my right palm (I still have the scar). Got to Ogbomosho, saw girl who became Girlfriend B and spent night there. Left for Lagos next day and as soon as I got home I developed typhoid fever. In retrospect, the bruise and subsequent illness shoulda convinced me she was bad luck. Ha.

c. Ikoyi, 2005: A colleague, let’s call him NnamaChike, convinced me to get on an okada as both our cars were in the shop and we had to get from a client’s back to the office. Let’s just say that incident severely dented my Island Big Boy status and I’m still working at fixing it.

Since been in this town discovered that there are a number of guiding principles for taking okadas:

1. Have a spiritual anchor:- The okada drivers are like kamikaze pilots. Before u mount one make sure u’ve prayed to God and be sure u on right footing with Him, ‘cos with these guys u’d lose ur life before u think, “Lord, I am sorry for looking at the girl lustfully, please forgive me.” The other day saw a chick on the back of an okada praying with a Catholic rosary, while to my right some Hausa dude on an okada was doing the same with the Islamic rosary. U see, it’s not only football that can unite peeps of different religious backgrounds. Send Nigerian okada drivers to the Gaza Strip, I say. Another free suggestion to the UN from the Fresh Prince of Bradford and the future President of Nigeria (i.e. me).

2. Learn the posture:- Woke up early on first day here and spent 20 mins observing folk before I got on an okada. The trick is to sit grasping the metal seat support with ur right hand (or left hand if u left-handed, or both if u ambidextrous) while resting the free hand on ur knee. This way if the driver runs into a bump u can grasp his waist with ur free hand. (Erm, this is where ambidextrous folk are at a disadvantage. That’ll teach y’all showoffs!!!!) Novice passengers tend to grasp the driver’s waist with both hands, but this is frowned upon ‘cos most drivers tend to think male passengers who do this are questioning their manhood. Made this mistake on first day here, but okada driver didn’t complain, in fact he told me to hold on tighter. Didn’t suspect nada ‘til the next day when I saw dude, shirtless, waiting outside the gate to my crib. Dude then said, with a lisp, “Oga, I been think say make I come wait for u this morning. No forget to hold me even tighter today as na bumpy road I go pass to ur office….”

3. Be prepared for rain:- Oooops, dunno what to do when it starts raining. Is it proper etiquette to hold an umbrella when the driver doesn’t have one? I hope I never experience this.

Came across another local delicacy last night: white rice and peppersoup. U take a spoon of boiled rice and dip it in the bowl of peppersoup. Not sure I’ll jump on that bandwagon though. Since we on the subject of food, it seems the lady I buy boli and fish from is now taking advantage of moi. The other day I’m sure she overcharged me for a meal ‘cos ordered something slightly smaller than usual and she charged me the same. I’m watching her c-l-o-s-e-l-y.

Family news: Was gonna put up some of my sister’s wedding pics on the blog, but decided it’d be better to have y’all view it urselves on their wedding website. Nice pics, huh? Hey, here’s a radical idea, what would happen if the couple made silly faces, a la Jim Carrey, on all wedding photos? I’d be willing to do it on a bet. Imagine pulling a sad face when the officiating minister asks u to repeat ur vows, or a happy one when someone from the congregation (obviously in on the joke) objects when the minister gets to the ‘Does anyone have any objections to these two getting married?’ point in the service. My wife would kill me, but at least it’d be crazy hilarious. What do y’all think? Don’t gimme ur answers yet, take ur time.

More family news: My bro Ayo arrived on the eve of Kemi’s wedding and spent a total of 7 days in Naija. Was ace having him around and kinda miss him. Man, dude’s been away from Naija since 2003 and was trying to make up for it by going out every nite. Lol. Went bar hopping last Friday and ended up at a club where the music was top-notch. Like I told y’all times w/o number I love dancing, but kinda like my dance partners to be somewhat presentable. No, not Ayo. Dude was dancing with this chick who wouldn’t look outta place in MJ’s Thriller video. I swear. Thang is we at an age when we don’t go to clubs to look for women anymore so he feels he’d rather dance the nite away with whomever instead of standing around. Nice philosophy, but I’m too fickle for that. Back in the day I would walk into a club and most times dance with less presentable chicks first, b4 I worked my way up to the belles of the ball. Hey, it was a way to boost my ego. I figured if the finer chicks rejected my advances then I was still aiight ‘cos I’d had enuff fun by then. Stopped this practice after I got rejected by some oooogggly chick. Man, do u know what it feels like to hear a Whoopi Goldberg lookalike tell u NO? U start thinking to urself, “Did she hear me properly? Or is my breath funky? This girl actually rejected my advances?! Has she looked in a mirror lately? She’d be so lucky that I actually chose to talk to her…” To cut a long story short it took a number of years of therapy – serious herb therapy – to get me going once more.

Sometimes us Odeyemis argue about whom we think has been the worst towards women and truth be told I think it’s Ayo. Tayo (oldest, and now married) was a lothario.

Akin (second oldest) has a short fuse and can’t figure out why some of his ex’s still like him – he once broke it off with a girlfriend over an argument about lastnames, if they got married. Chick wanted a hyphenated lastname and dude told her she might as well stay single if she wanted to hold on to her dad’s name. Lol….and y’all thought TRT was bad, huh?

Tunde (fourth oldest and 5 months younger than Ayo) is the quintessential gentleman. Wink. Wink.

Loye (fifth son) is the diehard romantic. As y’all can probably tell from few blog entries ago he’s at that stage of his life where he’s conflicted about chicks. He probably wants to stay faithful, but since his peers are sipping from the playa pool he feels like he’s gotta join in. Ah, I remember when I was like that. Must say that dude’s got a wry sense of humor though.

Jide (last son) is crazy and, discounting Akin’s affairs, is probably the dude with the longest ongoing relationship amongst us. Maybe we all have a thang to learn from the baby boy of the house. Nah, what does he know?

Okay back to Ayo. Never met another male who loves accumulating girlfriends like this dude. Problem is dude’s such a charmer ALL his ex’s, and their nuclear and extended families, still love him. On his birthday last year his ex-girlfriend’s mom called him, even though chick had gotten married to someone else! Always wondered why dude would wanna meet his girlfriend’s family, and vice-versa, when deep down he knew the relationship was going nowhere. I’d do a research paper on this dude.

Hookup news: My motto in life is, ‘Do unto others as u’d like them to do unto u’. That’s why I hate getting hooked up. Peep this: During my going-away shindig at female mate’s crib another mate (male) walks in and female mate starts drooling like the Victoria Falls. After ribbing her for a few days she finally asks me to give the dude her number. Go Girl Power! I tell her the Spice Girls woulda showed up to tell her how proud they are of her, if they weren’t so busy with their respective shrinks trying to figure out what happened to their careers. Anyways, I do my best Cupid impersonation and don’t hear from either party for a while. Trying to catch some zzzz the other night when I get a call from the chick telling me they went out for a meal and dude expected her to pick up the tab. Hey, welcome to the 21st century girl; ur species clamoured for equal rights and now u got it! Lol….investigated further and discovered they had gone out for a drink the previous night and dude picked up the tab. “Why is it when he suggests we go for a proper meal he expects me to pick up the tab?”, she lamented. Story has a happy ending though. As chick didn’t have funds on her she had to call a knight in shining armour who showed up to save the day. Awwwww, doesn’t that just bring a tear to the eye?

Entertainment news: Saw the new Chris Brown video and man, that boy can dance. Problem is never heard anyone sing with a lisp before he came on the scene. Ha huh ha huh ha. In an earlier video dude’s trying to approach a girl and doing crazy steps beside the chick as she’s walking down the street, kinda like Michael Jackson in The Way U Make Me Feel video….if y’all can remember that far back. Turn the sound off while watching the video and it looks like some insane dude going after a chick, only this time there are no men in white coats dragging him away. Thot about it for a while and some day I’m gonna do that. Yup. Once I see a girl I fancy I’ll walk up to her, spew my best lines and begin dancing like a chimp. The more she tries to walk away the crazier I’ll dance. If it worked for a listless hermaphrodite and a lisping, pre-pubescent crooner then it’s bound to work for me, right? Right?

Foreign news: Al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian born Iraqi terrorist, was killed on Thursday, June 8th 2006. As usual CNN had some so-called experts on explaining what impact his demise has on the war on terror. They’da asked me and I’da told them what the normal Iraqi’s thinking. Of course, this has no effect on the frigging “war on terror”, as u guys have christened this assault on our country. Only reason u guys got that punk ass Jordanian is that he got too sloppy. Remember when u guys said he was a master of disguise? Well, that got to his head. Dude stopped training and grew so fat his colleagues got angry that he was consuming all the food and they told on him. Think I’m lying? Okay, remember earlier this year when he released a video? Weren’t u shocked that dude had to get someone to cock the machine gun before he started shooting? Dude musta thot he was Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy’s character in Coming To America)! So don’t come here proclaiming ur intelligence was responsible for his capture…..

Okay peeps, goota go ‘cos the World Cup kicks off in a few minutes. Go Oranje! Tot ziens and God bless.

Stop press. Mounted an okada earlier today when some dude in a car abruptly opened his door. My life flashed before me, I swear. Screw the white-man gene, I am getting a car asap.

Yeah, forgot to add that Ayo has a tendency for having girlfriends with British or American passports. How does he do it? Even he doesn’t know. “Guess they just attracted to me”, he blurts. Maybe it’s his innate Odeyemi-opposite sex attracting powers. Akin can tell u a girl’s bra size just by looking at her; Tayo (in his single days) was so good he’d go out with sisters, and occasionally throw in a cousin as well, and they’d all fight over him! Moi? I don’t have any powers…..well, maybe if u want to call treating ALL women like queens a power, then I suppose I do have one. Wink. Wink.

Another mate another wedding website. I’d hurry up and get a bride ‘cos getting tired of buying shirts for weddings.

Comments-[ comments.]

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

She shampoos my locks goatee

Hola peeps. Que haces? Tu…….hold on, where are my manners? I promised to give y’all update on the wedding so here goes.

Remember when I told y’all the wedding couldn’t be as hectic as the engagement party? I was crazy wrong. Man, that place was like a carnival and that convinced me to work real hard so I can host my wedding on a private island. There were too many folk, but must say I never knew my sis had so many fine, single friends. Was almost tempted to throw out my philosophy of not dating sisters’ friends. Well, my sis is now married, so technically she’s no longer an Odeyemi, so that means dating Kemi Odeyemi’s friends is no longer against my principles and……. let’s just forget about that for now. So back to the wedding: the couple looked amazing and I looked even better. Man, u’da seen my suit, shirt, tie combo! Lol…man, I kill myself. Anyways, glad the wedding’s all done with and know musta created some enemies on the day ‘cos got angry at peeps. There was more than enuff food and drinks to go around thrice but peeps were just greedy. Lost my rag at some woman who was fighting for a bottle of wine. Friggin’ preggers she was! Bloody amazing.

So what y’all been up to? Moi? Moving cities. Yes, left Lagos for Port Harcourt (PH) on Sunday and must say that there’s no place like Lagos. Dunno what I was expecting, but, wait that’s not true, I kinda had an inkling as to what to expect ‘cos peeps have been drumming it in my ears ever since they found out I was moving to PH. Peep this, had a get-together with some folk last week Monday and every one of the 12+ peeps there warned me that PH women have a way of making men forget themselves. My fav anecdote was, “u moving to PH? Man o man. My dad worked there for 2 years and came back with 2 kids. My mom was flabbergasted. Hear it’s something in the soup they cook that drives men crazy.”

So go out Friday nite as it’s my bro’s last Friday in Lagos before he goes back to the UK and chose to spend Saturday at home. All of a sudden it’s 9pm Saturday nite and I start getting nervous about my impending trip. Dunno what it is ‘cos I’m usually keen to seek out new frontiers. Is it ‘cos I’d miss family? Not really, in fact kinda glad I’d be away from Lagos crib for a while ‘cos while based in Abuja for 2 months mom and I never had an argument – absence does make the heart grow fonder – but one week together in Lagos and we fall out. So what was the problem? Dunno. All I know is I didn’t kick the ‘feeling’ til the next, a li’l of the herb helped in that.

Okay, enuff mushy stuff so let me tell y’all what PH is like, even though I have only been here 3 days. There a lot of li’l things that make my life in this place so much different from Lagos. For instance, air conditioner in room was faulty for most of last week so slept in the living room ‘cos didn’t feel alright sleeping with just the fan. Here, I am happy, nah delirious, if there’s power to run the fan. First day here I woke up to no power, had a cold shower, and took an okada (commercial bike) to work ‘cos cabs don’t run around my area. Truth be told I don’t think I’ve seen any cabs since the day I arrived and those were the newly imported ones dedicated to the memory of Nigeria’s dead first lady. Serious. Weird thang is I’m loving this life of cold showers and okadas. Maybe it’s the white man in me. Ha.

I reckon the best approach to informing y’all about PH would be to dispel/confirm some myths about the place, a la Discovery Channel’s MythBusters.

Myth 1: PH is reaaaaally expensive:- True and False, rather I’d say Cannot Confirm Yet. On the day I arrived a mate of a mate called Nengi (see below) took me to an eatery on way from airport. Food cost about the same as Lagos so thot the myth was false, but first day at work I ordered stuff at one of the eateries at office complex and got hit with an outrageous bill. Problem is I paid w/o batting an eyelid ‘cos other folk did the same. The cashiers at this eatery are either geniuses or stone cold criminals. How else can u explain ordering 5 different items and cashier, without missing a beat, reels out total cost without consulting a calculator or providing a receipt? I got my eye on those folk. OBTW speaking of food, I tried a local delicacy yesterday: roast plantain (aka boli or bole) and roast fish with peppery sauce. Man o man.

Myth 2: PH women are really beautiful:- Again, I Cannot Confirm Yet. If the women I saw at the airport are quintessential PH women then myth is True, but I have only been here 3 days so shall get back to y’all on this.

Myth 3: PH women cook meals that drive men crazy:- If the plantain and fish is anything to go by then myth is True baby. Bloody True. However, I have had meals at mama puts in Lagos that were just as good, but must say that PH women sure do know how to make a guy feel welcome. B4 y’all start thinking all weird lemme expatiate. I tell one of Kemi’s cute friends at the wedding I’m moving to PH and she says she’s got a mate there, Nengi, who’d show me around. So I call Nengi on eve of my departure and she tells me to take a cab from PH airport and she’d meet me where I plan to put up. Come Sunday I get a call from Nengi informing me she’d pick me up from the airport instead as she’s gotta drop someone off on same day. Woah. As if that’s not mind-blowing enuff she ends up renting movies, taking me to my mate’s crib - where I’m currently chilling at – and basically spending all of Sunday keeping me company.

If y’all thot that was a one-off I call my mate’s girlfriend (who’s supposed to gimme keys to his crib as he’s outta the country) when I arrived in PH and she said she’d meet me at the crib. ‘Cos Nengi and I made pit stops to buy petrol, rent movies, etc we didn’t get there on time. Mate’s girlfriend, Sira, musta called at least 3ice to make sure I wasn’t lost. Got to the crib and she was as congenial as can be. She ended up staying a bit also to make sure I was “comfortable”.

It’s now Day 4 and both women call me at least 2ice a day to make sure I’m cool and eating okay. Sira keeps apologizing for being so busy at work (like it’s her fault!) and promises to come over this weekend to prepare some food. She even asked what I’d like to eat. “I know u Yoruba guys like okro a lot, but I am not sure how to make it. I’d learn though….”, she said. I kid u not. Meanwhile, Nengi also apologized for her busy workload and as she doesn’t cook plans to get her mom to make any dish I want so she’d drop it off during the weekend after she’s done showing me around town.

Funniest thang about this is both these chicks are fine and have boyfriends, so do not stand to gain nada by treating me this way. Either these chicks are modern day geishas or PH guys are living the ultimate life! No wonder my mate’s not so interested in coming to Lagos anymore. No wonder my other mate’s dad ended up with 2 kids in 2 years. Man, sign leading from PH airport should be changed to: Welcome to Port Harcourt. If u are a woman, get ready for mucho competition. If u are a man, kiss ur loved ones goodbye. U know those demented suicide bombers who feel that by blowing themselves up they’ll get to chill with 72 virgins in paradise and be treated like kings? They’d be alive now if they’d only visited PH. Maybe I’d suggest this to the UN.

Myth 4: PH folk cannot provide stimulating conversation:- This was told to moi by a former colleague who’s now based here. Apart from co-breakdancers I have not really interacted with regular PH folk. Nengi and Sira are ace to talk to and seem to be aiight. So why am I not declaring this myth False? I walked into the apartment yesterday to find this chick watching The Sixth Sense. Walking from the kitchen to my room door I overheard the following: “This na dat movie wey dem dey call Six Sense? I don hear about am, na the movie wey dat small pikin dey see dead people, abi? Yeye oyinbo, na witchcraft dey worry am and dem talk say na six sense……”. So I’ll leave y’all to judge this.

Myth 5: Power supply is erratic in PH:- Well, no different to Lagos. Problem here is petrol stations close early (6pm) so one has to be quick. Also most peeps buy petrol in cars and siphon into containers ‘cos they petrol attendants mark up price by over 50% if one buys in a jerry can directly. The other day discovered we’d run outta petrol so sent my mate’s cuz to get some for the generator. Luckily, dude got some but here’s the kick: the petrol station wouldn’t sell to him, but directly in front of the station was some dude selling petrol, black market-style.

So there u have it. If y’all have other myths that warrant investigating please don’t hesitate to contact my people.

Okay time to go mount an okada home ‘cos just discovered they don’t run after 7pm. Just thot of something funny, wouldn’t it be cool if I convinced the owner of the breakdancing club to organize company bikes, with drivers/riders, for top performers? Man, I kill myself. Hold on, Nengi just called…so like I was saying…ooops, Sira’s on phone now. Lol…..miss y’all like crazy. Tot ziens and God bless.

OBTW haven’t come across any prostitutes yet, much less those carrying Bibles.

Y’all will be glad to know I’m finally changing my phone. Not ‘cos ur disses (“Hey, was that Fred Flintstone’s phone?”) worked but ‘cos phone charger doesn’t work anymore. Well, it kinda works but I gotta hold phone at an angle and serenade it b4 it charges. No lies. For some reason it charges faster when I sing Barry Manilow songs. I suspect phone was sabotaged ‘cos when I informed my bro I was in the market for a new one he started speaking in tongues and praising God for finally answering his year long prayer.

Still found nada to make fun of Sharon Stone about………except this: was flipping thru TV channels last week and came across a Nigerian movie chronicling the tale of a good looking woman who uses her body to get to the top. The title? SHARON STONE. Lol…..bloody unbelievable.

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