Thursday, August 16, 2007

No all star cast, no scripts, no budgets in the soundtrack of my life……

Hola peeps. Deseo que podría hablar francés.

It’s a bittersweet day today ‘cos I leave my post as A.D.S. on the R.I.G. for another assignment. Not sure what new position entails but I’m sure I’m gonna make a positive impression there like I did here. Hey, I’m like The Littlest Hobo just doing my bit to make the world a better place by erm, teaching people to dance.

To y’all young ‘uns out there The Littlest Hobo was a TV show about some Alsatian that went about helping folk and…..come to think of it, can’t quite remember any episode as was quite young then. However, it had a kick ass theme song: Every stop I make, I'll make a new friend /
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again / Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down / Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.
Man, I’d have that as a ring tone for mates who keep trying the hookup thang. Ha.

Not to worry, been on the R.I.G. for past 2 weeks so no new hookup news. Phew. Now all I gotta do when I get to PH is pack, chill for a night. Then it’s off to Lagos and then to the airport. I’ll sneak outta the country so fast even corrupt Nigerian ex-governors would be envious. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. Hey, it was an easy joke, I didn’t even have to strain a li’l grey cell.

R.I.G. news: This being last tour on R.I.G. for a while, been in a particular reminiscent mood, so didn’t mingle with folk as I normally do. However, there’s this one interesting thang. U know how I learn new stuff on every R.I.G. tour? Well, bumped into folk having a discussion on the recent foot-and-mouth outbreak in the UK, particularly, how much potential suya - that’s barbequed meat for y’all non-Nigerians – was being wasted.

Chief raconteur: U see the problem with these Westerners is they don’t cook their meet properly. Bring that meat to me and after I’m done boiling and roasting it all that’d be left will be bones and more bones. Foot and mouth my arse!

Listener 1: C’mon that ain’t right. U dunno what u talking about, the cattle really have diseases. Okay, what of bird flu, wanna say that disease is made up as well?

Chief raconteur: Sharrap my friend!

Listener 1: I am not ur friend, my friend! I am just stating fact.

Chief raconteur: Which kain yeye fact? I’m glad u mentioned bird flu. U see ur problem is u’ve never been outta the country so all u know about white folk is what u watch on TV. I remember when I went to see my sister in Scotland, all the oyibos were saying is, “I have the flu, innit. Flu, innit.” They too dey panic. What we call cold here is what they refer to as the flu. Same with bird flu. Their climate is too cold for poultry, that’s why. Ever heard of Nigerian chickens having bird flu before the Westerners harped on about it? Exactly.

Lol…man, I am gonna miss this place.

PH news: As y’all have no doubt read/heard PH has been like the Wild West in the past two weeks. Thank goodness the madness seems to have subsided. Called a mate from the R.I.G. earlier in the week and she joked that meteorologists on local stations have scrapped weather forecasts in place of bullet forecasts. …And today we expect light showers of AK-47 bullets around G.R.A. and a heavy downpour of shotgun bullets (projected from okadas) around the Aba road region…

In all seriousness we need prayers for this place and for Nigeria as a whole. As a colleague stated, “What kinda government do we have in place that will let sporadic shooting like this go on? U know the funniest thang, most of the shootings are close to the Government House so ain’t no way the Governor claims not to know what’s going on.” Thank goodness Yar’Adua is listening to folk. Dude dispatched both the Police Chief and the Chief of Defence Staff to PH until the crisis abates. We keep hearing that the government knows where these militants are, but has chosen to dialogue with them instead. Want my idea on how to quell this issue and make the world take notice…as well as create humorous newspaper headlines in the process? Government forces kidnap mother of militant leader. Demand $50m ransom. Threaten to go after families of other militants.

Apropos a fellow dance instructor came across this website and thot it would be useful to all light-skinned folk residing in the Niger Delta region. Y’all lemme know if u find it expedient.

Political news: Things not looking too great for my man Obama as most polls still have him trailing Hillary Clinton as the Democrats presidential hopeful in 2008. Rudolph Gulliani (a man clearly having his own troubles – not only do his kids not wanna join him on the campaign trail, his daughter is alleged to be a potential Obama supporter) insists if Hillary wins the nomination of her party she’d select Obama as a running mate ‘cos his impact is “undeniable”. Hey, it could work.

On the Republican side good ol’ Karl Rove has decided to quit his role as “Bush’s brain” at the end of August this year. He’ll be dearly missed by Bush and, erm, erm, I’ll have to get back to u on that one. Meanwhile, former Law & Order DA Fred Thompson still hasn’t declared his intention to run for the White House but is running second in polls behind Gulliani for the Republican ticket. That must surely irk folk like John McCain who’s slowly becoming irrelevant. Guess that’s what happens when u try, try, and try again. Folk just tire of u. U can call it the Buhari corollary.

Nice way to segue to the local scene. Electoral tribunals are still ongoing and no one has a clue what’s happening. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. One thing I don’t get about politicians is how they’d diss each other like crazy one minute and after the election is over become running mates. Was it all a farce, or is it that they’ll do anything to climb to power? Well, that happens elsewhere but not in good ol’ Naija where we still read reports of how one politician or the other escaped assassination. Man, it shouldn’t be a live or die affair, should it?

Another farce is the current wave sweeping the Nigerian nation: asset declaration. Man, folk coming up with crazy sums of money as “assets”. Some of these folk were broke ass punks b4 they became governors and now they expect me to genuflect at the altar of so-called transparency? Bollocks. If we had ways to genuinely qualify their declarations, before and after they leave office, then I’ll be happier than Lindsay Lohan at an open bar. Until then I’m gonna do a Britney and shave off my hair in protest right now. Okay, not much of a sacrifice since I usually have a clean shaven pate, but I didn’t plan to shave ‘til tomorrow so it kinda is…kinda.

Relationship news: Not mine, b4 y’all get all excited. Anyways, remember the mantra of all old school romantics? If u love someone let them go if they back to u it’s meant to be? Recent encounters have revealed new school romantics don’t buy that any more. They have slightly tweaked it to, If u love someone let them go if they come back……u fool. U damn fool! They ain’t ever coming back. Do u know how many lonely men and women there are out there? If u love ur beau hold on to him tight. Hold on to him so tight u’d squeeze the life outta him. Lol….but it’s true though. Look I’m not asking y’all to be desperate in order to keep ur partner. Just act natural like u’d normally do, and if desperate comes naturally to u then flaunt ur desperation baby. In the past few weeks the ff happened.

I park in a mate’s driveway just as he’s walking some girl to her car. I go over to say hi and heard the weirdest thang.

Girl: It was nice hanging out, please call me.
Mate: Er, sure. I’ll try.
Tunde (*feeling incredulous*): Lol…babe, come on. U not a bad looking girl u don’t need to remind this guy to call u.
Girl: Whatever short stuff. (She then looks at my mate) Please, please, please call me.

If that’s not bad enough mate who was engaged to a guy for near on a year and wasn’t ready for marriage called last week to tell me they just wedded at the registry. When I asked why she changed her mind, she replied, “I attended a wedding with a friend and one of those paparazzi who stalk weddings took a photograph. Later looked at pic and realized my friend, who has 3 kids by the way, looked svelter than I. I decided then to get hitched ‘cos if my husband had seen the pic he might think twice about marrying me.

Sad, but true. Seems folk losing all self esteem in bid not to end up alone. It’s easier on guys ‘cos we’re used to doing the chasing, but women…let’s just say it’s refreshing to see women growing a pair nowadays. If u like a guy go on tell him, what’s the worst that could happen? Let’s see, he’d laugh at u like Nelson from The Simpsons, and insist if u were the last woman on earth he’d not give u the time of day, and inform everyone u know about his rejection of u, and…..okay, where did that come from? Woosah…woosah…woosah.

Okay, just remember one hookup event that happened b4 I left PH. A high school buddy’s sister said her mate – I had seen them at some new hangout spot in PH – would like to meet up when I’m off the R.I.G. Couldn’t remember much about the chick, but recall I acted like Little Red Riding Hood when I was introduced: “My, what long nose hairs u got!

Okay, another one. It’s a good thang guys are versed in thinking up ways to chat up women ‘cos even though we embarrass ourselves most times we do come up with beautiful gems now and then. Always replayed some of the things I have done/said and crack myself up. Always wondered what it’d be like to go back and gauge the thoughts of the girl/victim while I was spewing rubbish. Well, I kinda got my wish recently. I had seen this chick at the club and would smile and say hello, being the nice guy I am. I’d also flash Ab Fab at her, again being the nice guy I am. Well, after what seemed like weeks of researching ways to get my attention she finally came out with, “Hi. My name is Miss X and noticed u around the club. Erm, erm, always wanted to ask, are u sure u Muslim? U are not? Why do u keep ur goatee so long then?” I nearly cracked up. I politely explained to her that sometimes I don’t even have a goatee. Since I can’t do nada with hair on head anymore – was actually born bald and once, back in high school, when I made an attempt at Bobby Brown’s hairstyle from My Prerogative days I got nicknamed Bobby Skin - I have become a veritable DaVinci with my facial hair. That seemed to have satiated her for a while. Then the other week she came up with this gem, “Why do guys wear pinky rings?”

Tunde news: Since I have loadsa time on my hands on the R.I.G. been thinking seriously about writing a book. Don’t have a subject yet, but think the first step is get a good title; u know something that grabs the average book browser – u cheap ass folk who walk around Barnes & Noble flipping thru pages of books yet buying nada – by the neck and refuses to let them go. First title thot of was, No (Hair) Strand Left Behind: A tale of bravery, courage, and one man’s quest to achieve the ultimate bald look, but didn’t think it would appeal to hirsutulous folk. Then there’s always the tried and tested attention grabber, Ultimate Nudity, but that’d get me banned in some parts of Nigeria and goodness knows I want as many readers/potential voters as possible. Think might settle for something that conveys gravitas like The Testament. Yup, that works. Religious folk and John Grisham worshippers would flock to purchase it. I can even picture the hardback cover… background with giant black font. Might even change my name by deed poll to Tunde GRISHAM, with the words GRISHAM covering most of the, er, cover so from afar folk think Mr. Grisham has re-issued another one of his formulaic legal thrillers. Yup, this could work. Okay, so still haven’t come up with premise of story I wanna tell, but having a title is a start, right? Right?

Unlike the book TV show concept ideas keeping flooding my head ad infinitum. As at last count I had been to some dude who has links to secure programming for the dominant cable company in Africa, an upstart cable company in Nigeria, and a production company. None were forthcoming with definite answers, but the third offered a spot on some show they piloting but haven’t spent much time in Lagos since so couldn’t pursue it.

Since y’all have been so caring I’ve decided to give u a sneak peek on what might should must appear on ur TV screens in the near future…..I hope. The folk I discussed the concept with were a wee bit hesitant ‘cos wanted to talk about the goings-on in government, albeit from a humorous point of view – hey, make the people laugh and once their mouths are open sneak in a good helping of truth, right? Can’t say I blame them though, considering that two prominent journalists were arrested by the Obasanjo government for daring to contest the veracity of a statement issued by the presidency about the then “new” presidential jet. However, this is blogsville so in the accent of Pepe Le Peu I say, Viva La Resistance!

Concept of TV show is kinda like a Daily Show With Jon Stewart meets Dave Chappelle Show meets Have I Got News For You meets The Wonder Years meets Spitting Images meets Da Ali Gee Show meets Seinfeld meets The Flip Wilson Show meets Talk Soup meets Candid Camera. Got y’all confused? Yup, so am I.

All I am hoping to get outta this is if I get physically attacked – seeing as our leaders don’t have a sense of humour – the face and Ab Fab remain untouched., cannot remember the last time I got into a fight. Remember agitating for some fisticuffs when I first moved to the UK. So I’m going to Bradford, huh? Not too many blacks over there I hear. Cool. Hopefully someone would mouth off the N word and we’d get into some gangsta ish.

Yes, maybe I had listened to way too many CDs from the Deathrow label by then. Now I am older and mellower, or maybe just scared to mess up my manicured fingernails. Come to think of it back then when I was wired like crazy I had more hair on my head. Hmm, maybe I’d start looking for someone to engage in a fight if I wanna achieve my childhood dream of growing an afro like that dude in Boney M. Y’all old cats out there MUST remember Boney M! As a kid always thot the dude in Boney M was the coolest cat alive. Dude had the most wicked baritone, could do splits, had those gorgeous lead singers, wore those tight muscle shirts before Lenny Kravitz caught on to the idea, and most of all had a tight afro. Can just hear him singing now: She’s crazy like a fool / What about it Daddy Cool? / Daddy, Daddy Cool….

Okay where was I? Yeah, the TV show, right. So why would u wanna watch my show, what with all the reality shows on TV? Lemme count the ways:
a. Moi. Yup, no one else but The Fresh Prince of Bradford is qualified to host the show. U know what the problem is with most TV hosts? They try to act all cheery and stuff. It’s all fake. Just like on news reports where they pan to a reporter narrating a story and she’s walking while talking/reporting. How fake. Mate of mine once hosted a game show and she was asked to express “more excitement” in order to convince the audience at home that she’s really enjoying herself. Who gives a hoot really? When I am hosting a show if I’d been in crazy traffic on way to the studio I’d let y’all at home know. Y’all MUST feel my pain. I’m talking realest of the real. No cue cards here matey. If I am interviewing a guest and there’s no vibe I’d not be opposed to sending email on laptop while he/she is talking about one thing or the other. Sorry, go on talking about ur pet, don’t mind me while I clip my toenails while eating a sandwich.
b. Outfits. U haven’t seen me in a suit? One word: Amazing. In traditional attire? One word: Regal. In my underwear? One word…nah, it’s gonna take the vocabulary firm of Messrs Oxford, Chambers, Merriam-Websters and their thesauri to describe the world wide phenomenon that will be unleashed when the public finally gets a peek at Ab Fab. As an aside I’ll also be modelling the latest t-shirt designs from my clothing line Cojonez. Yup, I went with that name finally.
c. (Facial) Hairstyles. Since my head’s currently a hair-free zone I’d have a different facial hair for each weekly episode: Goatee, no goatee, beard with sideburns, beard with only left sideburns, beard with only right sideburns, soulpatch dyed blond, one strand of soulpatch dyed blond, etc. I know what u thinking, and the answers are yup and yup. Yup, I am a genius, and yup, I’m that hirsutulous on the face. If u think that’s bad u’d see my back. Wait a minute I just had an idea….
d. (Back) Hairstyles. Each week I’d design my hairy back after a map of a country where my featured guest would come from. With the help of my trusty back hair I’ll provide a geography lesson that everyone would remember. It’s my way of giving back (Geddit? Geddit? Aw forget yous) to society. Can’t wait for that call from the Nobel Peace Prize committee.

I would also have segments such as:

1. Questions that always bothered Tunde. For instance,
a. Who would win in a game of scrabble between Chris Okotie, Wole Soyinka and Femi Fani-Kayode?
b. Does Ciara dance all the time? Can imagine dating her and getting into an argument. Can just imagine her saying, “Honey, I know I hurt u and u want an explanation on why I did what I did, but I think it’s best I express what I’m trying to say in dance….See this dance move where I jump up and down like a monkey on crack while my hands are held across my chest? It means u broke my heart when u went to the zoo without me….See this move where my back is to the wall and I’m moving my crotch from side to side? It means I have to go to the loo….
c. How come I never hear of robbers robbing other robbers on way back from a night of robbery? Is there a union or something?
d. Unlike Hollywood actresses why don’t Nollywood stars tell all and sundry when they are pregnant?
e. Why are there are no cool Nollywood action heroes? Maybe ‘cos our names are so long. Instead of My name is Bond. James Bond. We’d probably have My name is Maduegbunem. Chief (Dr.) Alhaji Olusegun Ibrahim Ekaete Maduegbunem. By the time the hero is done telling us his name half the movie is done.
f. Ooops, have I just given Nollywood directors another way to stretch their movies even longer?.

2. Tunde’s Movie review. In this segment instead of doing the usual Siskel and Roeper Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down schtick I’d look at what the average Nigerian movie lover cares about: where best to cop bootleg DVDs that are crystal clear.

3. Tunde’s Crazy Ideas That Might Just Work. Lagosians are quintessentially trendy folk who don’t mind splashing out for the latest, er, trends. So how about starting a restaurant where only left over food is served…and u charge folk like crazy for it?

4. Tunde’s Entertainment Update. Here, all stories revolve around Angelina Jolie. Today, Michael Jackson filed for sole custody of Bubbles. In a related story, Angelina Jolie is still fabulous and has no plans to adopt Bubbles..

5. Tunde’s Political Update. Serious political matters shall be discussed in this segment. The gubernatorial candidate for X state just unveiled his poster. As u can see dude is cross-eyed. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I ask u my fellow Nigerians, do we wanna trust a guy with….wait for it…..shifty eyes? If his eyes are shifty can’t his principles be shifty as well? Lol…man, I kill myself. Okay, on to other news…

Woah, this is some long ass blog. Time to say goodbye to my R.I.G. bench press. Tot ziens and God bless.

Still can’t get Daddy Cool outta my head. Boney M was the ish. They were like the black ABBA. The dude in the band not only influenced Lenny Kravitz’s dress sense I’m sure his scattered leg dance moves influenced everyone from Jamiroquai’s Jay Kay to my fellow baldie Ne-Yo. VH1 should do one of those Where Are They Now? features on Boney M. Screw it, I’m gonna research them and make them first guests on TV show.

That GRISHAM cover idea came from a friend in high school. This dude could tell tales, and I mean real long tales. Said he saw an album by Marlon Jackson that had the words JACKSON is crazy large, Vegas-style font, and Marlon is teeny weeny font that was barely legible. He went on to describe the album sleeve: Latest album by Marlon Jackson, brother of Michael Jackson. Yes, the same Michael Jackson who’s regarded as the world’s greatest musical genius. Yes, same multi-platinum selling Michael Jackson who gave us such timeless classics like Thriller, Beat It…..

Today shall forever live in infamy. Checked out Boney M on wikipedia and discovered my childhood hero’s name is Bobby Farrell, and dude didn’t even do the singing. Turns out Boney M was a forerunner to Milli Vanilli. Cannot even be sure if the Afro wasn’t a wig. Man, what a let down. First Santa Claus, then the Tooth Fairy, and now Boney M. Was anything about my childhood real? Have u seen my childhood?/….

Comments-[ comments.]

Friday, August 03, 2007

My friend Udeme is a great mannequin

Hola peeps. ¿Donde yo comienzan?

Man, haven’t blogged about politics in a while, huh? But first, I must address something real close to my heart, okay, closer to my arse but y’all will catch the drift (as in drift of smell arising from doodle…lol…man, I kill myself) eventually. Since last blog peeps been calling, commenting on how gross it is to describe my doodle experiences. Well tough. I’ve said it b4 and I’ll say it again, taking a dump is one of the best things God invented. Man, it’s almost orgasmic sometimes. Nada better than to relax in a clean loo without a care in the world. Psst, I’ll let y’all in on a little secret. Most times when I get the urge to sit on the white throne I check to make sure there are appropriate conveniences around then I hold it in until the last moment. What can I say, I like to live on the edge……either that or I badly need to get a life.

Okay enuff about bowel movements…okay one more. The other day I badly needed to go so went on routine check of loos close to the class where I am conducting a course on Strippers: World’s unappreciated heroes. Got to door number one and before I’d rap on the door I got a whiff of something almost toxic. Boy o boy. Ever got a sniff of something so bad u lose all coordination? Man, the stench was otherworldly. No longer was I bothered about taking a dump, I had to see who was responsible for such mayhem. So I walked outta the communal restroom and found a convenient viewing spot. After about 5 minutes this skinny lady walked out, glanced both ways, straightened her skirt and proceeded to strut as if, as Nigerians say, s&^t no dey commot her belle. The sight of that made my day….okay maybe I really don’t have a life. Ha.

Indulge me in another paragraph on this topic please? Thank u. U see even as a kid I always wondered what it’d be like for famous folks to do the number two? For instance, close ur eyes and picture, say, HRH Queen Elizabeth II taking a dump? Dontcha think it’d be cool to take a dump with her crown on? What sorta faces would she make? What sorta groans would she utter? Please tell me u are not the least bit intrigued. Now imagine Michael Jackson taking a dump. Man, wanna tell me if there was a show titled, Famous People Doing The Number 2 u wouldn’t wanna watch it?

Okay, I’ll stop…ish. Speaking of bowel movements I was crazy hungry while in PH so decided on boli and fish as I hadn’t had that in ages. Then I discovered they had hiked up the price of roast plantain by 33%, and they must have a union ‘cos all boli sellers in PH have gone that route. Thinking of buying a bunch of plantains and taking it to them to roast on my behalf. Yup, that’s the effect of the fuel price increase, and it doesn’t help that there’s still petrol scarcity in PH. Man, the government had better sort out this thang out else I might be forced to buy a cooker and actually do some cooking. Oh the horror of it all.

More PH news: U know how folk buy those Nature Sounds CDs in order to get a good night’s sleep? Considered doing that, but knew it’d be useless w/out constant power supply throughout the night. Well, yesterday slept like a baby to the sound of waterfalls, or so I thought. Turns out that the faucet in the adjoining bathroom has a leaking seal so all I hear all day is the constant drip of water on the sink. Who needs waterfalls when one has a faulty tap?

Had to replace the shock absorbers on Parminder last week ‘cos the road to my crib’s, well, let’s just say when Jesus gave that parable about building one’s house upon a rock the landlords around here took that literally. Haven’t these dudes ever heard of tarring a road? Man! The road’s so rocky I saw some cab’s bumper fall off while attempting to navigate thru the valleys and peaks in the road. Maybe it’s high time I traded Parminder in for a 4x4. But man, it’d hurt so ‘cos we only just got back together. U know how I glance at my six-pack in the mirror after taking a shower, I am tempted to line the route to the club with mirrors so Parminder could also admire her shiny new red coat of paint. Nah, I can’t trade her in, not yet…..

Recently fumigated crib again as the roaches were starting to make a comeback. Found only a few but from their massive droppings I’d tell I’d myself some mutant roaches. A swift call to the fumigator sorted everything out and now I’ve got my crib back, apart from the occasional wall gecko or so.

Politics news: As u no doubt have heard/read/been informed a number of former state governors have been arrested and charged with utilizing state funds as their personal piggy banks. A few are out having met the stringent bail conditions, but no way they escaping this. Nigerians are hoping some former governors of Niger Delta states are picked up as well. They had better be after all the crap they pulled. Peeps, Nigeria is changing. I told y’all, didn’t I? God loves this country.

Alams, the erstwhile Bayelsa state governor, has been released but will forever be branded a criminal for what he did. Hope his tummy tuck and all the money was worth the disgrace to his family name. The punk. Now we have so-called political godfathers yapping about how nada positive was done in some states in the past 8 years. Oi punk, why didn’t u say stuff then? Ur lips were too busy giving the governor’s arse a glossy finish, huh?

Some of the governors arrested even have the gall to parade themselves as freedom fighters. Man, pisses me off so much if I had any hair I’da pulled it out by now. These guys are punk ass punks who take credit for everything good and the blame for nada. Do u know that a (hopefully) soon-to-be-arrested former governor when campaigning for a second term cited bringing a local fast food company to the state capital as one of his accomplishments? This, when roads are crappy and the state shuts down by 7pm ‘cos of threat of armed robbers? Another cited installing street lights that work for 24 hours. Yup, just what u need, a working street light in daytime!

Thang is the people have had enuff. During the handover ceremony an outgoing governor was railed with abuses and dude had to run for cover after folk began flinging plastic bottles in his direction. Hopefully that’ll teach the incumbents that we watching their every sinister move.

Hookup news: Yup, that again. Guys, u know how when u get into a new relationship chicks from way and wide, chicks that never gave u the time of day when u were single all of a sudden start contacting u? Well, with the number of calls I’ve gotten in the past 2 weeks maybe it’s a sign I’m gonna embark on a relationship soon. Either that or the tales of my fabulous six-pack (hereon to be known as Ab Fab) have a pied piper effect on long forgotten female acquaintances. In past fortnight got a call from mate’s sister who said she’s got a friend in PH who’s been bugging her to know if I have a girlfriend/lover. Now ain’t that special? Told her to tell her friend I only want a friend who can cook for me and nothing else. That seemed to put paid to her quest.

Then got calls from chicks I kinda had an interest in at one time or the other: UK (wanting to hookup when I am there later this month), PH (that UniPort chick from my first month in PH), Abuja (some chick I had met there last year), PH (some chick I met during NYSC in Lagos), PH (a mate’s cousin). U know the funny thang about all of this? Some years back I’da been ecstatic at how much nookie was on offer I’da indeed made plans to see them. Thang is the sheer hate directed at me from ex I tried to get in touch with - from few blogs back…come on keep up peeps - affected me more than I thot. Always prided myself on being an okay boyfriend that still maintains a somewhat cordial relationship with exes. After her outburst decided I don’t need to mess with anyone’s hearts, unintentionally or not. Just gonna bide my time until Megan Fox comes calling. Ha huh ha huh ha huh. But y’all know what I mean, right? Good.

Was sharing same worries with mate, yeah the marriage-ready one, and all I got was, “Dude, it’s free nookie, what u on about? Okay, how’s about u just meet them. What of the hookups? U never know u might like one of them……”. He just couldn’t fathom what I was on about, until last week that is. There’s a lovely German word schadenfreude that always comes to mind at times like these. U see my man’s direct boss asked him if he had a girlfriend and the dude told a boldface lie. Why? He still doesn’t know why he did it. Anyways, turns out his boss has a daughter he’s trying to get married off and dude’s been invited for dinner. Dude doesn’t know how to decline the invitation, and cannot cough up to his boss that he’s actually in a long-term relationship. Can’t wait to see how this unfolds. Lol…man, life sure is good. Dude doesn’t even know what the girl looks like, at least I had the nous to request for pics of folk I was to be hooked up with.

Speaking of pics I need to buy a digital camera so I can change my profile picture on Facebook. Why? ‘Cos the one on is a pic of when I was a baby and man, if there is/was a cuter baby I haven’t seen one. Anyways that pic tends to generate even more hookups as folk wanna get close to good genes. Lol…man, I kid (geddit? Geddit? ‘Kid’ and ‘baby’? Aww, forget yous). Nah, need to get a camera ‘cos been an age since I had one and wanna take pics of nephews and nieces (and maybe their parents…if they nice) in the UK. Gosh, but must say this Facebook thang’s addictive. Cool ‘cos got in touch with peeps I had lost contact with. Crappy ‘cos peeps I hoped I’d never see again have been in touch. As the Japanese say, shigata ga nai.

Another thing I discovered about Facebook and similar social networking sites is that it brings out the closet voyeur in all of us. Woah, long lost love from primary school is on Facebook. Sweet. Ooops, it says on her profile that she’s now married. Hmmm, I wonder if she’s REALLY happy in her marriage. We did share a real love those years back in school. Gotta find a way to get rid of her husband.

Yeah, also discovered that apart from being voyeurs all humans (on social networking sites at least) are narcissists. Think about it, why would u tell random folk what u up to except u want them to enquire further about u? Tunde is out of his house from 9am to 4pm this week or Tunde is wondering why he can’t grow an afro like dude from Boney M, etc. Or maybe it’s just easier to tell complete strangers what’s going on in ur life. Yeah, probably is. That’s why shrinks are so in demand. We had this group exercise at work once when I was in the UK and a consultant was brought in. Can’t remember the gist of what she said but we were supposed to talk freely about what was going on in our private lives and I blurted out that I was cheating on my then girlfriend. ‘Til this day I dunno why I did it, but reckon maybe it’s ‘cos I needed to get that guilt off my chest and what better way to do that than in front of strangers who don’t know me, and most importantly, who don’t know my girlfriend.

One thang I do cherish about Facebook is it’s easier than sending email. This helps a lot ‘cos most peeps complain that I write one-sentence emails. I’ve considered using larger font but don’t think that will resolve their gripe. They can’t fathom why I write reeeeaaaalllly long blogs yet can’t go past a line in an email. Honestly, dunno why blog’s so long, maybe I just like the sound of depressed keys on the keyboard. This whole non-blog writing thang probably goes back to boarding school days when one sorta had to write letters to family. There are 12 kids and 4 parents in my family, after writing the first two letters I run outta stuff to say. If I had a computer back then it’da been easier as all I’d have to do is CTRL+C and CTRL+V. Anyways, got so bad I’d make up excuses, okay I’d lie, on why I didn’t write letters. But I mailed letters to all of u! Damn this Nigerian Postal Service. They are so incompetent…

Well fast forward to Val’s Day 1998. Had this lovely ex who searched and searched until she found a card that reflected how she genuinely felt. As I opened the card I glanced at it briefly and closed it. But she called my attention to it, read the words out loud and as she read she started crying ‘cos like I said – DUH! - it really expressed how she felt about me. And what sorta card did I get her? Can’t remember, it was either nada or something witty like Happy Val’s Day To The Girl With The World’s Best Boyfriend. Can u imagine someone going thru that effort and moi reciprocating with a run-of-the-mill card? Think that traumatised me for life ‘cos never bought a Val’s card since then. Hey, it’s just the way I am, guess I am not a card (or email) person. It’s just something the winner on the newest reality show sweeping the nation, Tunde’s Project Marriage 2008, would have to live with.

Tunde’s Project Marriage news: While reviewing applicants to appear on this reality/game show where the grand prize is none other than The Fresh Prince of Bradford (i.e. moi) I have seeking opinions of married folk on what format the show should take. I asked for advice on what makes their marriage tick. Some dude said if I’m considering marriage I’d send a tone from the wedding day. “Make sure u let ur in-laws know u won’t take any s&%t. In fact ur wedding reception should last just 30 minutes and after that send everyone out.

Another dude said since he’s gotten hitched he has never let his wife spend money on anything on the house. He’d rather she spent her money on herself. “U see before I got married to her I’d been interested in other girls from my ethnic group, but they didn’t gimme the time of day. Maybe ‘cos I wasn’t earning much money then. So when I met my wife, who’s from a different part of the country, and she agreed to marry me I swore I’d never let her regret her decision. When we met she was earning more than I was but I still wouldn’t let her pay for stuff. Now I’m earning at least 50 times more and she still doesn’t pay for squat. She knows how much I earn, and I don’t hide anything from her.” Man, this is cool. I’d have an obstacle course on the show based on this concept. That’d make the process of elimination easier.

It was now the turn of singletons. Spoke to marriage-ready mate and dude informed me he might soon propose. Yup, I have heard that one before. Says his main fear is girlfriend has…wait for it…..fat tendencies and he’s told her he’d not like her to balloon after having kids. ‘Cos of that he now watches what she eats and even removes the flesh from her plate of chicken. To each his own I guess.

Another colleague who’s been saying “I am getting married before the end of the year” since I met him two years ago offered no advice. All he said was, “My guy, this might be the year o. I think my girlfriend’s had enuff of my avoiding the issue. The other day I received an email from a website, Good Groom News. Turns out my girlfriend had registered me on it. Reckon she wants that wedding asap.

Finally, I got a woman’s perspective and she says she wants her love to be like that in The Notebook.

Come to think about it my life should be like the first half of Click where I’d fast forward through arguments and wife’s friend coming over for breakfast. So my wife and I end up in therapy for a year? Big deal.

Never seen The Notebook so she gave me the Cliff Notes version. Some dude (Ryan Gosling) meets a chick (Rachel McAdams) who’s outta his league. They fall in love and he promises to write her for a year and does….(yup, as if that’d happen in real life. See above for problems I encountered performing a less arduous feat). Anyways the long and short of it is it’s a great romantic movie that makes all girls cry. My mate said she wants the love that exists between her and the dude she ends up with to replicate that in the movie. Man, that dude sure has his work cut out. Ha.

Maybe I’d find some time to seriously talk to Kinzo about how he knew Debby was the one for him. Reminds me of a mate in the UK who had been dating his girlfriend for years. ‘Cos they both real religious dude went to a secluded location for 3 days fasting and praying asking God if he’d ask his girlfriend to marry him. Apparently, he got an okay ‘cos he asked her and she said yes. A year later they break up and he’s now married to someone else. And y’all wonder why I am confused?

Tot ziens and God bless.

Went to see mate that just had a kid and discovered something new about giving birth. Y’all ready? Guys, hold onto ur hats. Seems women gotta take dumps while contracting b4 having the baby. Yup, they s%$t on themselves while doing those breathing exercises…and nurses gotta wipe that off. So to y’all out there who are seeing shrinks ‘cos ur folks called u names such as, That piece of s%$t, in a moment of anger, just know they weren’t being mean, just honest.

I’m gonna rent The Notebook to see what the fuss is about. If I shed a tear at the end of the movie then….like I’d tell y’all.

Congratulations are in order for the Iraq footie team after winning the Asian Cup for the first time in their history. If only that could unite the country. Man, what a way to live.

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