Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Procrastination, predestination, articulation, a railway station

Hola peeps. ¿Usted me ha faltado? Sorry for the silence. After I left/escaped from the R.I.G. I went to Lagos for a bit and spent most of the time sleeping like a foolish virgin, albeit in spurts. I’d wake up by 7am raring to go, by 1pm I was searching for a place to snooze. Good thang about waking up early is I go to go jogging and now addicted to running again. Think six-pack’s coming back as well. Yep, really enjoyed time I stayed awake ‘cos I got to meet up with family and friends…..and man, do I have good-looking female friends.

Sorry to go off on a tangent like that but c’mon u gotta understand that I was on the R.I.G. for 2 whole weeks without the sight of a woman. To be honest I think I visited my previous employer while in Lagos ‘cos of the cute chicks there. Was so nice to see them again and man, they smelled good. Lol…okay, okay I’ll stop…..nah maybe I shouldn’t. So here’s what happened to me after I left the R.I.G.

Monday: As soon as I got on the chopper I almost shed a tear…..for all the good food I was gonna miss. Sob….the calamari….sob….the lasagne……sob……the chocolate cake…sob…the carrot cake….sob….the cheesecake….sob…the cheesecake……sob, sob…oh, the cheesecake.
Got off the chopper and stopped by the office to say hello to folk there. Hadn’t shaved in 3 weeks and had my fav brown Kangol hat on, but was crazy shocked that it took most peeps a while to recognize me. Comments ranged from, “Oh man, u look so different. I thot u were one of the Niger Delta community boys come over to demand for money” and “What happened to ur suits and blazers? See, I KNEW the R.I.G. would change u!” to “Oh, go shave. U look like Osama bin Hiding a razor” and “Captain Cave mmmmmaaaaannnnnnnn!!!!!!!”. Seems everyone’s a comedian nowadays. Anyways, I went home, shaved, killed a few roaches –(yes, they back en masse. It’s almost as if they had missed me) and packed for my trip to Lagos the next day.

Tuesday: Lagos finally. Packed my stuff and headed to the airport. U know a few blog entries ago when I said I’d boycott Virgin Nigeria (VN) ‘cos of their crap service? Well, got to the airport and only “reasonable” flight I’d get on was the VN flight that was set to depart in 4 hours. “Reasonable”? Yup, the alternative at that time was one of those crap airlines that u wouldn’t get on if they were giving out free seats. Was about to purchase the VN ticket when I saw some drop-dead gorgeous chick that took my breath away. Come to think about it maybe she wasn’t all that, but 2 weeks on the R.I.G. does things to one. 2 friggin’ weeks man, y’all gotta cut me some slack. I notice she walks up to the VN counter, realizes she’s got a 4 hour wait, then settles for the crap airline that’s departing in 5 minutes….or so they said. She purchased her flight ticket and I think to myself, “Man, that chick’s fine as heck. Only way to talk to her would be on that crap airline where their safety record’s so bad even suicide bombers are scared to fly with them. Oh well, u can’t have it all. To the Crap Mobile, Robin.”

Bought a one-way ticket to Lagos and discovered the Crap Mobile folk actually had the audacity to charge more than VN. Hey, at least I’ll get to talk to Isha’s possible replacement. Got on the plane and wasn’t assigned a seat beside Miss Right. “No worries, I’ll see her in Lagos. I better spend time on flight coming up with a witty way to approach her”, I thought to myself. As if. Nodded off as soon as I strapped on the seat belt. In my dream I saw myself jumping on the seats in the airplane and screaming at the top of my voice, “I AM FRIGGIN’ TIRED OF SEEING THESE FRIGGIN’ SNAKES ON THE FRIGGIN’ PLANE.” Man, I kill myself.

Disembarked from the plane and began mapping out my strategy. Okay, what line do I open with? “So do u fly on crap airlines often?” Nah, that won’t work. Okay I’ll meet her outside and……oh no, she actually checked her bags in. Man. That means I’m gonna have to loiter around the baggage claim area and pretend to be waiting for a suitcase. Oh well, seems like I’m gonna use the always reliable ‘Knight in shining Armani suit (with a Kangol hat) helping lady in distress with her luggage’ approach. I sure hope her luggage’s heavy so my biceps will bulge when I lift it. Good thang I wore this t-shirt that’s 2 sizes too small. Even though I can barely breathe it helps to accentuate my biceps and hide my slowly diminishing six-pack. Man, but u gotta admit food on the R.I.G. was amazing. If I do take up their offer to teach there I’ll make sure I ask them to throw in an exercise bike or something so I can regain my mystical six-pack. Ooops, there I go rambling again. So where’s that future girlfriend of mine? Damn, while deep in thought she musta disappeared….and who in the world would call my phone when I’m looking for Miss Right?! Ooops, totally forgot I had asked a mate to pick me up from the airport and now she’s ranting like mad for wasting her time. Bummer. So folks, if y’all know any drop dead gorgeous chick who took the 1530 Crap Mobile from PH to Lagos tell her I’m willing to commit. Serious.

On ride home kept kicking myself for not acting fast enough. I mean the worst she coulda done for approaching her is smack me across the face. And then, I probably wouldn’t wash my face for days. U see most guys gotta pump up their egos or think of ingenious ways to approach a chick, but to a select few it comes easy. I’d say I’ve one foot in the former category and the other in the latter (and believe me it took a lotta cringe-inducing lines to get there), but sometimes I end up flummoxed. Weird thang about me is I’m cool in the first approach, but later, especially on the phone, I find that if I get on well with the chick I mumble words and start to stutter. Lol…ridiculous, huh? Yeah, well that’s better than a mate (who’s now married) we used to diss that it was obvious to tell when he liked a chick ‘cos for no damn reason catarrh would suddenly start dripping down his left nostril. Honest.

Anyways, thoughts went back to another mate who was so slick he would approach a chick anytime, anywhere and would take knocks in his stride. Almost as if he was honing his skills for a spot in the Pickup-line Olympics. Problem’s dude would approach any chick. Fine, ugly, illiterate, literate, halitosis-suffering; he didn’t seem to mind. He made passes at his mate’s girlfriends, his girlfriend’s friends, his sister’s friends, I’m talking every friggin’ chick. We teased him that the only chick we’d trust him with was his sister, and only when he wasn’t inebriated.

U see approaching women was actually the reason I stopped drinking. Peep this: Had a party at my crib and was checking out some chick all nite. It wasn’t ‘til I had had a few in me that my Dutch courage kicked in and I approached her. Anyways, to cut a long story short I had the worst hangover ever and decided there and then that I’d have to choose b/w drink and flirting with chicks. It took about 2-3 months but chicks eventually won out. Fast forward to a few years when I decided to get plastered with friends ‘cos I just wrapped up my final exams. While drunk called up some chick and arranged a date. Turned out to be one of the worst dates in my life so that reinforced my decision to quit drinking and I haven’t touched a drop since. Guess if u really put ur mind to it u can accomplish anything. Now if I can just find a way to stop picking my nostrils so bad it appears like I’m mining for gold.

Oh yeah, back to my Lagos trip. Got home from the airport and spent most of the day lounging and calling peeps to inform them I’d arrived in town.

Wednesday: Woke up at 7am and couldn’t for the life of me figure out why I couldn’t get back to sleep. Guess it’s gonna take a while for my body clock to get off R.I.G. life. Anyways, said my prayers and went jogging. Man, was so good to feel the warm breeze against the flowing locks in my, er, armpit. Hadn’t been out running in ages and missed it like crazy. I’d feel the buzz once more, the heart pounding, the thighs aching; man, this is the life. After I was done re-enacting a scene from Chariots Of Fire I jumped in the shower and felt the water cascade…lol….sorry, just had to go there once more. Anyways, after the shower I drove to the Island ‘cos dad’s mate had asked that I see him regarding some job opportunities. Made a brief stop to conversate with chick
making the t-shirts for me. Oh, y’all thot I’d forgotten about that? As if. I’ll brief y’all further the closer I get to marketing the spring collection of Cojones! Yup, that’s the tentative name of my clothing t-shirt line. What, u got a better idea for the name? Besides it’d be fun hearing people butcher the pronounciation. “Co-jones? Co-jo-nes? What does that mean?” Lol…I know folk say it ain’t fun if other peeps ain’t in on a joke, but I beg to disagree. I have fun cracking up myself when I’m the only one clued in on a joke. Why do y’all think I have such weird titles for my blog entries? I know it seems a bit infantile, but I just can’t help it. Besides, I plan to publish a book soon explaining stories behind the blog titles. Doing all this to raise money so Isha doesn’t leave me for that lothario Larry King.

So get to my dad’s mate’s office and we talk shop for a while. As I’m about to leave he brings up the relationship topic outta left field. Peeps, peeps, peeps. How many times I call una name? Please, please explain to me why folk always insist on hooking me up. Do I have a Hook Me Up sign emblazoned on my cute dome?
Anyways, dude goes on about the merits of getting married in time and asked if I was seeing anyone.

Tunde: “Yeah, there’s this chick Isha based in the States and we plan to see each other when next I’m off and …….”
Dad’s mate: “States, ke? That’s too far, there’s Itsekiri girl I have for u. I bank with her and she’s quite responsible. U mind an Itsekiri girl?”
Tunde: “Well, er, sir, my name’s not Dare and…..”
Dad’s mate: “Whatever that means. Here’s her number. Give her a call and let me know how it goes.”
Tunde: “But, er, sir...“
Dad’s mate: “Call her!“

So I’m about to call when my roach sense starts tingling. I suddenly recall my sis works for same bank so I call her to enquire about this Itsekiri girl. Now normally I wouldn’t trust opinion of my sisters – on meeting my girlfriend a few years back BOTH my sisters in the UK exclaimed, “Man, she’s gorgeous. What’s she doing with ur sorry arse?!” Talk about a loving family, huh? – but this sister has gorgeous friends I can compare this chick with. So I pick up my sleek new phone and in less than a minute I discover this chick’s not my type.

Afterwards I stopped by my former employer’s under the guise that I was there to pick up a cheque I was owed. Real reason? Wanted to feast my eyes on all the cute chicks in the office. Just kidding. However, if I’m being honest I guess I kinda half-expected to meet a boss I had a crush on. U’da seen how much I stuttered (see above) when I told her I was leaving the firm for PH. To be honest if she’d whispered, “Tunde, please stayyyyyyy”, I probably woulda. Dunno what it is with moi and crushes on older women, but it’s been a feature in my life for as long as I can remember. If it wasn’t crushes on my mom’s mates or the lady next door, it was on my oldest bro’s girlfriends. Was real accident prone as a kid and ended up in the clinic at least 2ice a month. I recall this nurse who was fine as heck, but had a knack for giving painful injections where ur bum would hurt for a week afterwards. Did that stop me from finding ways to get to see her? Nope. And to think I was less than 8 years old at the time. Same thang when I got to high school. Spent 3 years struggling to cope in Further Maths class just ‘cos the teacher, who was old enuff to be my mama, reminded me of Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show. Sad, I know. Wonder if I’d still be this way when say I’m 60. Would I have crushes on 80 and 90 year olds then? Hmmmmm, makes one wonder, don’t it?

Later, I met up with mates for lunch and caught a movie with another mate in the evening. There I was eagerly anticipating Bryan Singer’s new masterpiece and what I got instead was Superman Returns. After seeing the movie I decided it would be best for all concerned if Superman had remained where he was. This was a long ass movie that made more sense being a TV movie on the Lifetime network. Man, Bryan shoulda helmed X3 and left this mess to Brett Ratner, at least that way we’da seen Superman getting into real fights. Oh look, Superman stops a plane from crashing and a car from ramming into folk on the sidewalk. Yawn. Man, if my date wasn’t fine I’da walked outta the cinema. Come to think of it I have never walked outta any movie; not even while watching Michael, Mars Attacks, The Blair Witch Project, Driven, Practical Magic, etc. I am either a cheapskate who wants his money’s worth or an eternal optimist. U see a crap movie by ur fav actor or director and u hope against hope that the movie in the end would justify the time u’da spent doing something more worthwhile like, er, getting high on weed. Sadly this is never the case.

While driving home kept analyzing Superman Returns over and over again and couldn’t for the life of me fathom that same dude who helmed the seminal great comic book movie (XMen) would make such a listless chick flick. Maybe if Tim Burton had had his way and cast Nicholas Cage as Superman we’d have had a more pleasant viewing experience. Weirdest thang about this movie is ALL female friends who’ve seen it raved on and on about it. U what? Either my estrogen level’s at an all time low, hence I’m way outta touch with my feminine side, or my female mates have crap taste. Yeah, the latter would probably explain why none of them ever consented to be my girlfriend.

So here are things I hated about the movie…….oh, if u haven’t seen the movie u might wanna skip this section of the blog.

1. Kate Bosworth:- Now Kate Bosworth’s good looking enough but she just didn’t seem quite right for the role. Besides how am I supposed to root for a dumb liar - probably blonde underneath that brunette wig - like Lois Lane? I’m supposed to believe she won a Pulitzer Prize and yet cannot use a spellchecker? “How many F’s are there in catastrophe?”, she once asked. The password to her computer? ‘Superman’. As if nobody woulda guessed that.
To top it all off she convinced some mug, who conveniently happens to be wealthy, he was the father of her son when she knew all along it was Superman. She take my money / When I’m in need / Yeah, she’s a trifling friend indeed / Oh, she’s Lois Lane…

Imagine how u’d feel if after 5 years of telling ur mates how proud u are of ur son u fiind out he ain’t urs; and worst of all the dude could probably kick ur arse if he wanted to.

Lois Lane’s mug: “Son, u are grounded. Turn off the TV and go to ur room!”
Seperboy: “Are u sure u wanna do that, surrogate dad with no superpowers? U do know I’d fly outta the window to my room and watch TV anywhere I wanted, right?”

2. Brandon Routh:- Dude seemed like perfect casting as he looks a lot like the late Chris Reeve, but still something wasn’t right. At the end of the movie when he repeats a speech - the same one his father gave him - to his son u’d tell he couldn’t carry it off. It was almost as bad as Orlando Bloom’s rallying call to the untrained warriors at the end of Kingdom Of Heaven. Disappointing, utterly disappointing. Hey, totally forgot that Orlando Bloom’s dating Kate Bosworth. She must be the one responsible for such atrocious performances then. Don’t y’all look at me like that! I had to blame someone other than Bryan Singer for this mess of a movie. After he made The Usual Suspects he earned a mulligan for life in my books.

3. Screenplay:- I know Bryan was partly responsible for the screenplay, but we can’t blame him (see above). Okay, okay maybe a tad bit. He may be this generation’s George Lucas, i.e. marvelous director who’s so insecure he feels he’s gotta have an input in the screen dialogue. That ‘catastrophe’ line mentioned above was reminiscent of Storm’s from the first XMen movie: “Do u know what happens to a toad when it’s hit by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.” Lol…someone give this woman an Oscar. Too late she already has one.

4. Superman:- I am a huge fan of The Hulk comics and guess I dissect every comic book movie so voraciously ‘cos was disappointed with the movie version of the character. Goodness knows if I had my way DareDevil would still be lounging in development hell (geddit? No? Aww, forget yous). Notwithstanding my bias u still gotta admit that peeps in Metropolis must be as dumb as Lois if all it takes to convince them that Clark Kent isn’t Superman is a pair of geeky glasses and an uncurled lock of hair.
Besides if Superman’s supposed to be all honest and stuff how can he afford to buy a new pair of clothes every day on his reporter’s salary? Also, someone’s bound to notice the correlation between the instances of newly abandoned clothes in telephone boxes and times when someone calls out for help, don’t ya think?

5. Kevin Spacey:- Yup, still can’t stand him. He’s got ways to go to make up for those I wanna win another Oscar parts he took after American Beauty.

6. Not enough information:- There are things the geek in me woulda loved to have seen in this movie. For example, on the day (I assumed it was daytime ‘cos during the night Lois woulda been too busy turning tricks for extra money) Supe and Lois consummated their relationship did Supe take off his costume? How does he keep his costume clean, does he have a special drycleaner who is sworn to secrecy? Speaking of which, how does Clark Kent take a pee if he has that costume under his ‘normal’ clothes all the time?
However, the most pressing question that needs an answer is: how long’s Supe been a voyeur? I mean what else would u call someone who’d levitate outside Lois’s home to eavesdrop on a conversation she’s having with her latest baby daddy? Does he acknowledge he has a problem? If so, who is his sponsor at Superhero Voyeurs Anonymous? I reckon it’d be Spiderman.

Thursday: Woke up at 7am AGAIN and went jogging. Hung out with mate I have a crush on. Problem is she’s younger than I am and time has proven such Tunde crushes don’t last long enuff to leave a memory. Now if she was older we’d be talking stuttering – no, it’s not tautology - on a major scale. Anyways, soon-to-be-forgotten crush got outta her ride just as I was parking mine, but by the time I caught up with her some bloke had tried to make a pass at her with the line, “…was waiting for u to come out of ur car”. Huh? Isn’t that a stalker line? Lol. My hello line in the UK at one time used to be, “wanna catch a movie?”. Not as bad as a mate who moved to the US and used to open up conversations with, “Hi, I just moved here from the UK and not sure if u could describe how to get to this address…”. Dude said this for at least six months into his stay. Hey, us guys gotta try.

Later hooked up with a hookup who just turned 20. Not a bad nite ‘til she thot it would be romantic to make me guess where she lived. As a result so I ended up driving around for almost an hour just to please this chick’s Enid Blyton-inspired fantasies. While forcing a fake smile when I really wanted to choke her I thought, “Thank goodness I bought a full tank of gas in my car. Now u see why I hate hookups? Man, I’m getting too old for this…”

Friday: Stopped by former employer’s again and no, didn’t get to see my crush. Boo hoo. Hooked up with mate and left her’s later than planned ‘cos she wouldn’t leave the crib ‘til she’d seen her fav Mexican soap opera. No, no don’t even get me started on that. I won’t say nada, let’s just move on.

Went to a bar that has gone the Lagos route and is now a de facto nite club. Man, we need something to do late nite in Lagos that doesn’t necessarily involve clubbing. An all-nite drive thru movie theater? All nite bowling alley, maybe? I know there’s that li’l thang called security that keeps peeps indoors when it’s late, but there’s gotta be another way to have fun in the wee hours of the morning. C’mon people think. I need something ingenious. Speaking of ingenious did I ever tell y’all about a cuz of mine who was broke so he convinced this chick it’d be romantic to go the museum. Of course, he conveniently forgot to tell her that it was free to get in. Maybe I’d hook cuz up with that 20 yr old chick.

So stepped into this bar cum club cum to-be-seen spot and scanned the place for familiar faces. Then I saw a face that was too damn familiar. Almost jumped outta my skin when I saw my bro-in-law who lives in the UK. U what? Yup.

Bro-in-law: “My guy, how far?”
Tunde: “Dude, what u doing here? When did u arrive in the country?”
Bro-in-law: “Got in 2 days ago from South Africa. It’s all hush hush though. U didn’t see me.”
Tunde (laughs): “Of course, I didn’t.”

Now I didn’t see the dude with any chick or the like, but u can’t help but ask urself, If u saw ur in-law cheating on a sibling would u tell? Thought about this long and hard and it’s one of those questions u never quite sure how to respond. Pray it never happens, but don’t think I’d tell my sisters if stuff like that occurs. However, I’d blab like a talk-show host if the offended party was a male sibling. I know it ain’t fair, and there ain’t no rhyme or reason to my response but hey, shi gata ga nai.

Anyways, so chilling with my date outside when bro-in-law stops by as I’m about to pay the usual exorbitant drinks bill.

Bro-in-law: “No, no, this is on me.”
Tunde: “U sure? Thanks, dude.”
Tunde (whispering to date): “Hey, since he’s paying, u sure u don’t wanna order champagne?”
Date: “Lol…u not serious.”
Bro-in-law: “Man, u know that dude u saw me with inside? He’s the reason I came out tonite. Today’s his 48th birthday. Er, funny thang is when he said we’d go out I told him I sensed I was gonna see u. I dunno why.
Tunde (thinking, “surely this dude doesn’t think I am as dumb as Lois Lane. Wait til I tell the boys when I get home we gonna laff about this for years to come…”): “Woah, u don’t say. Always knew u had that clairvoyance/ESP thang going on.”
Bro-in-law (probably thinking, “did he just buy that, or is he yanking my chain? Maybe I’d buy him more drinks. Damn, the punk doesn’t drink”): “Why, thank u. Anyways, I’m off to bed now. Gimme a call b4 I leave on Tuesday.”
Tunde: “Sure. Oh, forgot to tell u Chief’s traveling to the UK tomorrow morning.”
Bro-in-law: “Damn, and the dude’s definitely gonna call my crib. Gotta call ur sis asap to cook up a story.”
Tunde: “Lol…hey, I didn’t see u.”

Got bored with the bar and we decide to go dancing. We drive to this club that’s on a major road and cars are parked everywhere, messing up traffic.

Tunde: “I hear this is how bad traffic is when folk go for those monthly religious conventions just outside Lagos.”
Date: “Lol…yeah. Never been to one of those though. Ain’t it ironic that Friday nite while peeps are going for nite vigil others are here struggling to get into a club.”
Tunde: “U said it, sister.”

Finally got into the club after wrangling and cracking jokes for near on 30 minutes to convince the bouncers to let us in. Man, always had this blog I wanted to write about clubbing and the weirdness of it all. In what other bizness does a client forego a sum (gate fee) with no sure sign of reasonable service/returns (phone numbers or a hookup)? I promise y’all I get to it someday. Here’s a snippet of what’s in my head so far.

U go to any club anywhere in the world and u can be guaranteed to see the same species. There is:

a) Main man/woman:- This is the dude/chick who never misses a weekend at the club. They go to the club so often the bouncers, waiters, barmen, even the urinals know them. They usually have loadsa money to spend or are mates with the club owner. They mostly in the VIP and hardly visit other clubs ‘cos they scared they won’t be feted as much. This specie is good to have as a mate if u wanna get in to clubs for free.

b) MTV person: This is a guy/girl who spends Sunday to Thursday watching music videos on MTV so they can show off their latest moves on Friday. Usually becomes the center of attention on the dance floor and hops clubs when peeps stop noticing him/her. Been known to spend a fortune on dry cleaning after a nite of heavy dancing.

c) My neighbor has MTV specie: Unlike MTV person this dude cannot afford to pay his cable bill so is unable to do enuff research on the latest dance steps. As a result by the time he masters a dance move it’s no longer in vogue. This anachronistic creature was recently spotted doing a Robot - Running Man dance combo. Hey, at least he’s inventive.

d) Slutty specie: She’ll dance with anyone if u buy her a drink. Frequents same club so often she’s probably made out with Main man and MTV person on the same nite. Usually hustles for a ride to and from club.

e) Moody specie: U can spot her a mile off. Her boyfriend just dumped her so she decides to go clubbing as revenge to prove she can get a man. Trouble is every man that asks for a dance gets shunted off with a crude retort. Leaves club wondering why guys stopped asking her to dance after the first hour. Usually surrounded by mates who dump her as soon as a guy comes their way.

f) Innocent specie: She acts all nice and ‘oh I can’t dance’ until her fav song comes on. Then she becomes a maniac, maniac on the floor, and she dances like she’s never danced before. Always fun watching her abysmal rendition of Shakira’s moves in My Hips Don’t Lie.

g) Ko si arugbo ni Ghana specie: This is the single mother who’s got 3 kids by 3 different men, but is still hoping to find capture Mr. Right in a nite club of all places. Usually flocks with her own species and can be easily identified by the tattoos of her kids’ names on her sagging cleavage.

h) Calcified specie: This dude’s the oldest guy in the club and usually shows up with 2-3 girls in tow as he has huge wad of cash to be disposed of. Tries to entertain his harem with tales of how much better clubbing was in his day. Usually found sobbing in his bed at the end of the nite regretting why he never had much fun when he was younger. Wife reacts to this by smacking him on the head with a table lamp.

i) Normal specie: Goes clubbing now and then with sole purpose of having fun and doesn’t care for fronting. Was last spotted hanging out with his bro-in-law in a club.

Yup, y’all guessed right. Stepped into this club and found my bro-in-law there as well. So much for going to bed early. An hour later dude comes up to me:

Tunde (laughs): “My guy. No worries, I no see u.”
Bro-in-law: “Nah, not that at all. U see how I’m just chilling by myself with no woman, right? Why then does ur sister get apprehensive when I tell her I wanna go out with the boys.
Tunde (thinking, “Man, wish this dude would cut it out. My date’s a heckuva dancer and I’d like to get back to her sometime this evening, please”): “Sure. Whatever.”

All in all was quite a good nite out. Bumped into a few folk I hadn’t seen in years and most surprising was Miguel’s ex who lives in the ATL but is over in Lagos for the summer holidays. She’s the ex that still sends shivers down Miguel’s bones; a phenomenon I refer to as it. Why it? Well, when I started writing a journal in 1994 I needed a short word/phrase to describe atypical crushes/feelings for chicks, especially ex-girlfriends, and since my vocabulary then’s not as expanded as it is now I made do with that word. To be honest, I still can’t find an adequate enuff word to describe that feeling. It’s like having a soft spot for someone, only multiply that by a million. It butterflies mostly occur when u meet ur first love (or second or third) or an ex u still care deeply about; and instances of it can also make u do foolish things. ‘Cos of it I have tried to be the good ol’ ex, u know the problem solver and shoulder to cry on, but realized I ended up coming off as an avuncular git. Now, only contact it ex’s occasionally and save my thots to myself. It ex wants to be a stripper? Good, it’d be fun. She wants to start doing coke? No problemo, as long as I can be there to blog about it. Lol….just kidding folks…………….or am I? Hmmmm.
(Psst. Don’t tell Miguel this, but lied to him his it ex is in Lagos for her traditional wedding. Yes, I know I’m bad, but u gotta love me, right?).

Saturday: Took mate to get pirated DVDs at some place that’s slowly becoming a Lagos tourist attraction. For some reason I watch these DVDs, but won’t buy them ‘cos of some weird principle about not supporting piracy. Worst hypocrite alive? Yup…and loving it.

Sunday: Flew back to PH and glad I didn’t spend longer in Lagos like I wanted to ‘cos we’ve now been informed there’s a hole in the PH airport runway and the airport’s been closed for repairs. Just great. As if I needed another excuse to hate the state government. Man, so mad I feel like choking someone. Where’s a 20 yr old chick when u need one? Tot ziens and God bless.

This just in: Another of Miguel’s ex’s just gave birth to a boy and guess what his name is? MIGUEL. Now it’s most probably a coincidence; maybe her husband or father’s also called Miguel, but can u imagine how much fun I’m gonna have with this? Man, I love this blogging thang.

Comments-[ comments.]

Monday, August 07, 2006

I know u like to think ur s$#t don’t stink, but lean a little closer and u’ll find...Hey, u are right; ur s$#t REALLY don’t stink (Part 2)

Hola peeps. ¿Dónde estaba i? Yes, was telling y’all about life on the R.I.G. Man, I must apologize if I came across as Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner. Thang is I was kinda apprehensive, scared even, about the whole experience. Man, I have so much to tell u guys. I’ve learned to love the R.I.G., okay some parts of it, and almost sound like Allan Sherman’s Camp Grenada (check out lyrics here). Before I delve into specifics y’all must promise not to tell anyone . I wasn’t kidding when I said this place’s like the Fight Club. U must never, ever, ever talk about the R.I.G. Capisci? Good. Okay here goes……nah, first let’s learn about what happening in the world.

Local political news: Nigeria’s erstwhile Finance Minister resigned from her post as the Minister of Foreign Affairs ‘cos, among other reasons, she needed to spend time with her family. The President “regrettably” accepted her resignation and thanked her for a job well done. Some reporters suggested she was seconded from the Finance Ministry after her unwillingness to support OBJ’s Third term bid – yes, we back on that again. Either OBJ’s the most vindictive guy alive – yes, even worse than a combo of Kaizer Sozë and those guys in Kung Fu movies whose master’s been murdered – or our journalists are the laziest bunch of hacks alive.

Global political news: Fidel Castro provisionally handed power to his bro Raul after he underwent for intestinal surgery. Next thing u know I’m watching CNN – to see Isha of course – and they show Miami where folk are dancing the merengue and having a good ol’ time at the news.Man, Cuban folk interviewed in Miami really ‘let their side down’. What are the odds of the CNN reporters picking on the three dumbest Cubans in Miami to answer questions? Answers ranged from “He’s dead…I know Fidel is dead…it don’t matter what the doctors say” to “Er, am I on TV? Cool….see the way I am dancing, see how I do the cha cha? Er, maybe, er, now that he is ill, er, maybe, er, what was the question again?” ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO*

In related news (that might force the US’s hands on the embargo malarkey) vast quantities of oil and gas reserves have been discovered off the Cuban coastline. Did someone say chicken?

Israel and Hezbollah still ain’t backing down. While reading a book some months ago I read that Hezbollah means Party of God. Hey, how can u call urself Party of God and all ye do is murder folk? Just like the MEND (Movement for the Emancipation of Niger Delta) folk we got in Nigeria. I understand what they trying to accomplish, but can’t help but think they’ve chosen the wrong path. First things first, they gotta change that name to reflect what they really do; I mean once u hear the word ‘mend’ u think it’s a society of haberdashers/carpenters/upholsters/cobblers/doctors. Here are a few name suggestions based on a Branding 101 class I took in college:

1. ROT = Reign Of Terror
2. MAFIA = Mend Arrested for False and Improper Advertising
3. DESTROY = Delta Emancipators Seeking To Ruin Other Youth
4. KILL = Kidnap Is Liable Leverage
5. HELL = Hostile Emancipators Lurking Low

U see a name change’s always guaranteed to get u more attention. For e.g. Reginald Dwight to Elton John, Eric Blair to George Orwell, Katie Holmes to Kate ‘I was impregnated by my grandpa’ Holmes-Cruise, Larry Fishburne to Laurence ‘I hope white people take me more seriously now and stop confusing me with that Samuel L. Jackson fella’ Fishburne; Prince to ‘symbol’ to er, Prince; Puff Daddy to P. Diddy; Osama bin Laden to Osama been Hiding to O. Diddy.

Above paragraph reminds me of a club I visited in Leeds called Heaven and Hell. I remember the name ‘cos went on a Saturday and kept thinking to myself, “Damn, shouldn’t I be in bed getting ready for church tomorrow? Not gonna look at any women. Must not look at women. Must not fornicate, die and go to hell.” After I left the club I called my bro Akin (Kinzo) and we both cracked up ‘cos name of club reminded us of a Beachland joke. U see Kinzo had seen some cartoon where a dog called Bingo had been chasing stubborn kittens around all day. Kittens climbed up a tree and commenced throwing stuff at tired Bingo. They had so much fun doing this they didn’t notice when the branch broke and they tumbled down. As they fell to the earth Bingo couldn’t resist quipping, “My o my, kittens from heaven!” Now none of us (other males in the age group) have ever seen that cartoon and we not sure if Kinzo made it up, but for some reason it always cracked us up. Anyways, as is the way with these things the joke/story evolved and we ended up referring to each other’s girlfriends as Bingos, and classifying them based on looks: a good-looking chick would be tagged as a Bingo from heaven and a not-so-fine chick would be classified as a Bingo from hell. Taxonomy for an average-looking chick? Well, we thot of that as well; she’d be known as a Bingo stuck between heaven and hell. Hey, don’t blame us, then we were just kids…….….in our 20s!

Entertainment news: Jennifer Aniston said she’d not be opposed to shooting a special Thanksgiving episode of Friends as she “always had lots of fun during our Thanksgiving episodes”. Chances are the other cast members would be equally keen as only Matthew Perry’s got a buzz-worthy project at the mo. Hold on a minute, would Jennifer be so magnanimous if she was still America’s sweetheart and Brad was still in her life? I don’t think so. Man, women can be cold at times. If Brad was a regular guy who cheated on his wife with his co-worker women all over the world would be all up in arms, but ‘cos he’s Brad Pitt, hot movie star, nobody said squat. Same happened with Bruce and Demi (in fact they picked on the poor woman when she hooked up with Ashton), Tom and Nicole, and Harrison Ford and his wife. No wonder women could never Nigeria; they’d be too busy settling old scores and stuff.

Mel Gibson’s been charged with drunk driving and is in HUGE trouble for the anti-Semitic slurs (pun intended….not to worry some of u’ll get the joke 2 weeks from now) made to the Jewish arresting officer. He apologized for his behavior and stated that he’s not a bigot, just has a drinking problem. If there’s any folk u’d not mess with, apart from OBJ, it’s the Jews. Doesn’t this dude know what’s going on in Lebanon? Anyways, dude really messed up ‘cos all folk coming out from the woodwork criticizing his past behavior. On CNN – sadly, Isha wasn’t on – some gay advocacy group criticized Mel for portrayal of gay xters in his movies. Apparently Braveheart’s called No Heart in the gay community. Miaaaooooowwww. Surprised Chinese folk didn’t say stuff about his ‘flied lice’ comment in Lethal Weapon 4. Another fallout from this was Mel’s project on the Holocaust - now that’s ironic - that got cancelled by ABC. While discussing this with a mate dude affirmed that folk really say what they mean when they drunk – I can’t recall that far back – and ended with the killer line, “With what comes outta George Bush’s mouth now, can u imagine what he’d REALLY say if he were drunk?” Forget reality series I pitched in last blog entry I’d give away my lucky green thongs just to watch a TV show based on what world rulers would say when inebriated.

A few years ago some African American comedian said, “I don’t believe a man should ever lay a hand on a woman. I mean women can get on our last nerve and I know u tempted to hit them sometimes, but u shouldn’t……….I’d advocate choking them for a few seconds though, just so they know not to mess with u….” ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO* Well, read on cnn.com – hey, Isha’s got me addicted – last week an interview Jada Pinkett-Smith granted. “Will and I have visited Tom and Kate twice since the birth and Suri’s the cutest little thing. She’s daddy’s little girl and Tom cannot help being around her…….” And this concerns the rest of the world in what way? So this is what passes for news now, huh? Will, please if u reading, give Jada a 5-second choke just so she knows not to distract my web-surfing time ever again.

Oprah’s defended her relationship with Gayle King by insisting they are not lovers, just close friends who call each other at least 4 times a day. “Believe me, if I was gay do u think I’d have a problem letting people know?”, she stated. For the record I don’t think Oprah’s gay, but the fact that she issued that statement just confirms what I always suspected all along: Steadman’s the unluckiest man alive. Unlike Brad, Bruce, etc mentioned above if Steadman ever cheated on/dumped Oprah women would hunt him down and roast him over a camp fire. Yup, that’s how much women love Oprah.
OBTW I think the Unluckiest Guys Alive award should be shared with Michael Douglas’s male kids. Why? Wanna tell me they don’t have mad crushes on their step-mom Catherine? Even day dreaming about her’s a no-no for them. If it’s any consolation Oedipus had the same problem.

Lance Bass’s POPping outta the closet kinda signaled the death of a theory I had about gay guys and the way most seem to talk with the same lisp. If I recall he was the one in NSYNC with the baritone voice, so what gives? Except he did a Milli Vanilli and mimed every song I’m gonna have to do further research on my new book: All Area Boys have the same gruff voices; All Gay Guys talk with same lisp. Coincidence?

PH news I forgot to tell y’all: Yeah, forgot to thank y’all for ur prayers on roaches, but would beg y’all to stop ‘cos though I see no more roaches another ‘pet’ has invaded my premises: wall geckos. (Do geckos eat roaches? If so, I’m really training them as pets.) “Hey, every home has geckos”, u say. Well, I ask thee, how dumb must a gecko be - can’t they be like that one in the GEICO commercials? - to get stuck in a bath tub? Got home the other day and found this gecko trying to climb out of my bathtub and failing miserably ‘cos of the surface. I helped it out using a broom and went back to tweezing my nose hairs. As if that wasn’t bad enuff 2 days later found another (tinier) gecko struggling to get out of my loo. Now y’all know how I value sitting on the white throne and to top it all off I really had to do a #2 at the time so had to set a precedent b4 my bathroom becomes like Ace Ventura’s. Ain’t no way I was gonna help this gecko out as well, so flushed the loo. Don’t blame me. If his bro/uncle/dad/relative from few days back hadn’t informed him about the difficulty of climbing outta that surface then he deserved to swim with the fishes. Besides, they called WALL geckos, what were they doing in my loo?

R.I.G. news……..finally: Where do I begin? First day we got here chopper landed on the nearest island, cell phones were confiscated, and we were separated into two teams. My team was handed orange overalls and thought we’d be participating in a game of paintball, u know team-building activity like. Boy, was I wrong. We were transported to the R.I.G. by boat and all I was thinking was, “Man, these overalls stink like crazy.” Got to the R.I.G. and we were ushered into rooms. My room was colder than Shaq’s relationship with Kobe……in winter. I quickly jumped in the shower and spent over an hour over lovely hot water. Aaaaaaah. U’da seen the water cascade down my six-pack and……..sorry, did I just use the word ’cascade’? When did I turn into a romance novelist? My estrogen level must be up. I knew I’d not have let the chick at the spa convince me into waxing my chest hair.

Anyways after the first day it dawned on me what I’d gotten myself into. How can I properly describe what life on the R.I.G. is like? Ur bed gets made, laundry gets done and delivered to u before day runs out, room and bathroom gets cleaned, etc. It’s almost like Eddie Murphy’s life in Coming To America, only without nubile ladies catering to ur every whim. Speaking of ladies, there are none allowed here. None whatsoever. Oh the pain, the pain.When I was told about it I thot it was a joke, but after the first day I started having panic attacks. 2 weeks without the sight of women, how am I gonna cope? Who am I gonna flirt with? Arrrgggghhhh. U know how people say money makes the world go round? They wrong. WOMEN make the world go round. Never knew I’d miss the company of women this bad. Panic attacks got worse as the days progressed and was so bad when I saw a report of peeps bloodied at a political rally in the DR Congo I thot to myself, “Man, why are we so backward in Africa? Why should one send thugs to destabilize one’s opponent’s political gathering? Look at all those people bleeding. Look at the poor girl’s face. LOOK AT HER FACE! Man, never knew they had fine chicks like this in DR Congo. Maybe I’d visit there on next vacation. Hey, always wanted to see other African countries. Man, look at her face. Did u see the way blood cascaded down her soft cheeks?” Yeah, it was that bad.

Life on the R.I.G. is also like boarding school, nah, more like a prison. U get woken up at 5am to practice dancing after only getting 3 hours sleep, if any at all. Man, it’s tough. Few days ago I refused to get up ‘cos it was raining outside and guy running the R.I.G. came into my room with a bullhorn. After bursting my ear drums I got hauled outside by the security guards.

Tunde (still groggy): Yup, u just about captured it.
Tunde: Suit urself.
Tunde: Can’t be bothered. Besides, u expect me to dance in the rain? For free? Do I look like I’m shooting a pop video where some chick’s left me and I’m trying my best to convey to the public how hurt I am, a la Usher, Ray-J, Omarion, Backstreet Boys and every other boy-band that ever existed? Whatever, dude. U’ve seen the movie U Got Served, right? As if the movie wasn’t crap enuff they had to go into mass cliché mode by showing Omarion and Marques Houston (in split screen no less) practicing in the rain even though they had homes. In reality both woulda spent that $50k prize money on hospital bills to treat pneumonia.
Tunde: Niet. Nope. No. Non.
Tunde (pleading like a biiiaaatch): Stop. Stop. I’ll dance. I’ll dance.

The thot of my losing Isha was too much for me. I started doing my thang. Brought out new moves I created, went old school on them as well by rolling out the snake, the penguin, the running man, the fork and knife, the moonwalk, the cabbage, the s$#t face (widely underrated dance step), the butterfly, and rounded up with the world-renowned Tunde booty shake where one ass cheek wiggles while the other’s static (patent pending). Was too busy shivering to soak in (geddit? Aw, forget yous) the applause. As I ran to my room to take a hot shower I overhead the Bullhorn guy say, “NEVER HAVE I SEEN SOMEONE THIS GOOD. FROM NOW ON Y’ALL MUST LEARN FROM HIM. FROM NOW ON Y’ALL MUST ADDRESS HIM AS A.D.S. (AWESOME DYNAMIC STEPPER). HE’S IN NOW IN COMMAND WHENEVER I’M NOT AROUND.”

So there u have it. Life as an A.D.S. on the R.I.G. is not so bad. I get phone and internet privileges and while the other dudes refer to me as ‘Sir’ I call them ‘mere mortals’. I also get the choicest meals money can buy. Man, I’d write a whole blog just on the food served here. Who needs those PH chicks or boli and fish when u fed like a king? We have breakfast, lunch, dinner, a midnite meal and 3 tea breaks (where pizza or hotdog’s served) a day……oh yeah, and throughout the day there’s freshly baked pastry to be consumed. U haven’t lived til u tasted the cheese cake here. Man, oh man. Downside to this is my six-pack’s disappearing rapidly. I remember when I was younger and started out in this line of work. I’d eat all the junk in the world, but would never put on weight. Fellow dancers would compliment me on this and I’d respond by telling them it’s all due to my excellent genes. ‘Cos of that later changed my stage name to GG-TJ (Good Genes in Them Jeans). Man, good ol’ days. Anyways, scared if I don’t get outta here soon I’d go from washboard stomach to Busta Rhymes in no time. Lol…u seen how much weight that dude’s put on in the Touch It video. Maybe he’d change his name from Busta Rhymes to Busta open every bag of Doritos I lay my hands on or maybe dude should learn to Busta Open An Exercise video now and then. Man, I kill myself. I really should be on TV!

Typical day as an A.D.S. involves waking up earlier than the mere mortals, eating, attending meetings, eating, creating reports, eating, and instructing dance classes. Initially wasn’t too keen on this early start to the day ‘til I was asked to speak at a 5am meeting. When I opened my mouth I thot someone had switched on a Barry White CD. Man, love my voice this early in the morning. Wish I had a cell phone with me so I’d record a new voicemail in this baritone voice. Man, if only I knew folk who’d be awake at 5am I’d call just to show off my voice. Vin Diesel’s got nada on me.

For the first few days on R.I.G. woke up late so didn’t have time to brush teeth before rushing off to meetings. While instructing a class last week it occurred to me that I hadn’t had a shower or brushed my teeth all day (and it was 4pm at the time). Then, realized my breath didn’t stink nor did my body even though I had been dancing all day. Suddenly, it hit me: I actually smell quite good. Guess deodorants and colognes have obscured my nasal cavities all these years. Cool. My fart even has a certain Le D’Issey thang going for it. Yup, my s$#t REALLY don’t stink. Even better, I think R.I.G.’s making me look younger. My pores are opening up and skin’s got a lovely sheen to it. That not proof enuff for y’all? The lone gray strand of hair in my soul patch has completely vanished. Serious. The R.I.G. might just be the answer to eternal youth!

Another plus about the R.I.G. is the different nationalities I’ve met in past 2 weeks.

1. There’s the Caucasian dude from the US who’s been in Naija for so long he has a Nigerian accent and refers to other Caucasians as “white man” or “oyinbo”;
2. the New Zealander who laffs like the Tazmanian Devil and was overheard saying, “I used to fornicate a lot between my 2 marriages”;
3. the Canadian whose wife refuses to wear hearing aids even though she’s got poor hearing and the hearing aids cost the dude an arm and a leg. “Now I gotta bloody shout down the phone eh, every time I talk to her eh.” He also hates those from Quebec. “They add nothing to Canada eh. Bloody frogs eh”;
4. the Maltan who cusses a lot and gesticulates worse than an Italian footballer. “I am f$#king 44 and I am f$#king grandfather. U see my daughter f$#ked up when she was 14 and got f$#king preggers. U know what? I love the f$#king baby now more than my f$#king daughter.”

I love these guys man. However, not having women around has also made me sloppy. Usually after a meal I’d run to the bathroom to make sure I had nada stuck in my teeth; now I don’t care anymore. Call me vain, but that bathroom rush thang started after a mate had some vegetable stuck in his teeth all morning, and didn’t tell him ‘cos I thot it was hilarious. Hey, I was in my teens then. Funniest thang was when dude was asked what he had had for breakfast he said, “oh just the usual, Cornflakes and Orange juice”. Man, that brought the house down. Dude couldn’t for the life of him figure out what we were cracking up about. Ah good times, good times.

Absolutely hate the ugly orange overalls we forced to wear. Kinda reminds me of stuff Missy Elliot (in the 90s) or early-mid 90s R&B groups would wear. Man, that era sure had ugly female groups: Xscape, Total (okay maybe Keisha was a Bingo from heaven), SWV, Jade, group that sang “I’m a 90s Girl”, Brownstone, Zhane. Man, no wonder I was a serious weed head then.

Saddest thang about all the trappings of fame on the R.I.G. is there’s no one to share it with. Isha’s all the way in the US and I’m here in the middle of nowhere. Sob. Sob. Boo hoo. Do u know that last week I started humming a tune to myself and couldn’t for the life of me place where I heard it. It wasn’t ‘til yesterday I recalled the lyrics: My phone’s on vibrate for u / I ………. (dunno the lyrics here) / I tried to dance to Britney Spears / I guess I’m getting old in years. It was from the episode of NIP/TUCK where Christian Troy turned 40 and there was no one, but his adopted baby to spend the day with. Go figure. Off to practise dancing in the shower. Tot ziens and God bless.

Time on the R.I.G.’s made me realize everyone needs that special person in their life. As soon as I get off here I’m proposing to Isha. Yup, y’all heard me. I’m gonna do it…..maybe. Lol. Guess I got thinking about it after I saw an interview of Jane Fonda on Parkinson. This woman who set men’s hearts fluttering in her heyday lamented about the pain of loneliness. Woah. Maybe that’s why Jude Law did all those movies after he broke up with Sadie Frost, and Nicole Kidman did all those back-to-back movies non-stop after Tom dumped her. U watch, now that she’s married to fellow Aussie Keith Urban she’ll take it easy on those movies and try to outshine Tom and Kate by getting preggers with twins. U just watch. Er, if my theory about Nicole’s right, and y’all know I’m always right, what’s Samuel L. Jackson’s excuse for shooting all those movies? Maybe his wife nags a lot.

Yeah, forgot to tell y’all that I attended fellowship on the R.I.G. Take this however u want to, but both testimonies were about safe delivery of children. The second guy informed us that his wife just gave birth to their sixth (!) child. Man, the absence of women on the R.I.G. might really have an adverse effect on the government’s efforts to curb Nigeria’s growing population.

Comments-[ comments.]

I know u like to think ur s$#t don’t stink, but lean a little closer and u’ll find...Hey, u are right; ur s$#t REALLY don’t stink (Part 1)

Hola peeps. Apologías sinceras por el silencio. U see I’ve been incommunicado for the past week and…hold on a minute, how many of u actually tried to get in touch with me by phone? If u didn’t then I hate u too; if u did and couldn’t reach me I love u too, but have one li’l question: ever heard of some invention called email?

In all honesty, I doubt if I’da had the opportunity to respond to ur emails ‘cos, well, er, let’s just say I can’t talk about it, much less blog about it for the world to read. U see it goes a li’l something like this: On Friday the 13th 14th I was summoned to the club and told we’d be taking a surprise field trip. Was crazy excited ‘cos needed stuff to take my mind off the throbbing definitely-more painful-than-childbirth pain in my mouth. I wasn’t too keen on taking the drugs prescribed ‘cos when I went back to the clinic to request for stronger painkillers the doctor I saw examined my mouth and told me inflammation in gums was due to a new tooth coming out. U don’t say? I’m friggin’ 29 years old. Any new tooth in my mouth at this stage would be bling bling. Talk about a crap diagnosis. That dude probably got his medical degree after 15 years…..in night school…..while holding down 4 jobs.

Anyways, it was while on the chopper (that’s helicopter not bicycle) to this ‘surprise’ we were told that we’d be away for 2 weeks. 2 friggin’ weeks…but I haven’t called my family……I have hired some female interior decorator (not my type by the way) to ‘pimp’ my crib and wanna see what she’s done….oh man, I didn’t bring a deodorant, no toothbrush either…..no spare underwear…no hair clippers, okay maybe that might not be such a bad thang as I finally get to reenact the movie Castaway. Ha. 2 weeks without shaving, sweeeeettttttt…hey, didn’t pack my nose hair tweezers…..oh my, no nose hair tweezers……I want my mommy….I want my mommy…. I woke up from my daydream by the guy next to me screaming. Talk about a biatch ass scream. “Oh no”, he shouted. “The R.I.G. (pronounced rig)! They are taking us to the R.I.G! I thought it was an urban myth, but it’s actually true. Oh no. Let me out. Let me out!”

Family news: Spoke to Chief (my dad) on the phone last Friday and dude told me he’s made Kinzo a director in one of the family businesses. Either Chief’s getting old or dude’s finally decided to let go of the reins a tad bit. Good on Kinzo. Ever since he left his bank job to work in the family business he’s been like my dad’s right arm. Well, guess my dad had no choice as Kinzo’s the only kid who volunteered. Ha. Anyways, as Kinzo was beside my dad I asked to speak with him and congratulated him on his impending Big Boy status. Yup, I’m on track to achieving the PH Big Boy staus, and now Kinzo’s holding down Lagos…..if only we can convince either Loye or Jide to move to the North then we could be on the covers of Naija tabloid mags for years to come. Next stop, world domination. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO*

So after a few words I tease Kinzo that since his income’s bulging he’s got no more excuses for avoiding marriage. Dude laffed and agreed with me. U what? If there’s anything guaranteed to raise Kinzo’s blood pressure, it’s talk of marriage; yet this dude’s actually joking about it? Talk about shock and awe. As if my dad knew what we were conversating about; right on cue the dude screamed from the other end of the room, “Yeah, I have told him that if he doesn’t get married in the next year he’s gonna get fired.” We all laffed over it, but I bet my bad was thinking to himself, “Woah, I am a genius. So all it takes to push these guys outta my house is raising their profile and paying them a bit more bucks. I’da thot about that ages ago. Now if I can just convince the others to come work for me…….(places pinky finger on edge of lower lip) Ha huh ha huh ha……Ha huh ha huh ha

More family news: My other brother Ayo on the other hand might be the last dude to get married. Remember him from a few blog entries ago? Yup, the one with the proclivity for long-distance relationships and acquiring Nigerian girlfriends with UK and US passports. Anyways, got an email from the dude today informing me that he’s no longer with his girlfriend (US passport) – they were still together when he visited Nigeria 2 months ago – and he’s now ‘kicking’ it with his ex from 2003 (UK passport). “I don tire for these women and their stress, even chick I’m kicking it with dey get brain touch now and then. All’s not so bad though, as one of my guys wants to hook me up with this Naija chick studying for her Ph.D.” ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO* Didn’t bother asking what passport this future ex-girlfriend-to-be wields. I know better.

Yet more family news: Mom’s currently in the UK visiting my sis and her family. Man, I miss my 3 year old nephew. Spoke to him on the phone the other day and dude actually called me by my name. Awwwwwwwww. No more “unkel tuga” or “chunkel wunde”. Now if I can just get him to say “Superfragilisticespealidocious” real fast in the next 5 months I’da accomplished my avuncular tasks & targets for the year. FYI I take full credit for teaching the dude how to walk. While in the UK I spent loadsa time teaching him to roll over like a dog and dude musta got so many carpet burns he decided the fastest way to get me to leave him alone was to start walking. Yes, y’all have my permission to try this technique on ur li’l ones.

Relationship news: Yes, Isha and I are still madly in love with each other…..at least I think that’s what she said to me while watching CNN the other day.

Yeah, almost forgot: Remember my 3 phonecalls and u out rule? (Actually, it’s been reduced to 2 phonecalls since I became a PH big boy). A few PLATONIC female friends have complained about it and all I can say is shigata ga nai. (That’s Japanese in case y’all wannabe polyglots are interested). C’mon peeps, if someone’s playing that hard to get then she probably ain’t interested in the first place. Anyways, this topic came to the fore last week when a female mate regaled me in a phone conversation she had had earlier that day. “This guy got my number from a colleague and pleaded that I talk to my close friend on his behalf. He’s been after her for 3 years, and though she’s gone out with other guys during that time, this dude’s still hanging on. Isn’t that sooooooooo romantic? U never find guys like that these days. He reckons the girl’s not giving him the time of day ‘cos her stepmom’s against them hooking up since they are from different parts of the country…” Of course I stated my point that the dude probably has sumthing up his sleeve for waiting that friggin’ long, or he ain’t telling her the whole story. Like the relationship guru I am the chick called me some days later complaining, “Man, I lost my temper with that dude. He’a loser, a weakling, he’d move on with his life. When he called outta the blue about my mate I told him to call me back over the weekend so I’d talk to her. Do u know this bozo called me about 50 times on Saturday, and I hadn’t even spoken to my mate yet? When I told her about it she told me more stuff about the dude that convinced her he was psycho.” I rest my case. I know most peeps love to show off when they’re proven right about stuff, but since I am always right I’ve chosen to take the high road….and put it in a blog. ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO*

Okay from the paragraph above y’all might think I am cold-hearted bastard, but y’all couldn’t be further from the truth. Like Ray Charles I love country music ‘cos they got such great stories, especially of long lasting love. One of my favorites is P.S. This is Austin (click here for lyrics), a song by Brad Paisley, that tells the story of some dude who felt for some chick for almost a year after she dumped him that he expressed this in his voicemail. Beautiful, beautiful song. After some relationship that ended awkwardly 6,8,12 (click here for lyrics) by Brian McKnight was set on repeat on my CD player. See, I am sappy like that. Thang is musicians are paid to sing/write songs that appeal to our heartstrings and they cool to listen to/cry to/take a poo to, but one’s gotta be a realist as well. 3 friggin’ years man! Even Forrest Gump knew to leave Jenny alone after a while.

Oh yeah, another mate just got engaged. Man, I’m running outta single friends. Lol…maybe it’s time I started keeping track of the folk NOT engaged. Of course, there’s always punk ass Miguel. Ha. A li’l bird told me dude moved from the ATL to ____________ (I swore not to tell….but shall for a candy bar) ‘cos all his Naija buddies have made honest women outta their girlfriends and dude’s still messing about. Miguel, if u reading this – and I know u are ‘cos I’ve seen ur punk ass comments - u know u’d always go back to K__________ (I’m dying to tell, send me the candy bar please), the African American wrestler. OBTW Lady T says hello.

Local political news: A gubernatorial aspirant for Lagos State, Eng. Funso Williams was assassinated at his home last week. Man, and the primaries haven’t begun yet. Lord, help us in this country. Please pray for his family. OBJ vowed to catch the killers – hey, didn’t he say the same about Bola Ige? – and read a newspaper report about detectives from the Met in the UK being brought in to help with forensics. Let’s pray it yields fruit this time.

Global political news: The Israelis are still intent on redesigning the landscape of Lebanon. Everyone has called for a ceasefire but the US hasn’t. Using similar childhood analogy as last blog entry – hmmmm, shrinks would find that interesting. “Mr. Odeyemi, during our session today we’ll delve into ur childhood.” – Hezbollah is the playground bully everyone wants a piece of but they too scared to engage him for some reason or the other; Israel’s like that scrawny kid who’s recently discovered the joys of pumping iron and decides to take on the big bad bully; while Lebanon’s the school playground. U still with me? Good. So the fight starts and after a few punches are thrown former scrawny kid suddenly discovers the bully ain’t as tough as expected, so starts showing off by doing a few Muhammed Ali shuffles on the playground. The bully’s mates (Syria and Iran) try to help out, but other kids (the rest of the world) are so surprised – and a tad bit glad - at what’s happening they hold them off. After a few minutes it gets real bloody and the other kids, as well as bully’s mates, call for a stop to the fighting. However, former scrawny kid’s best mate (yup, the USA) pretends to pull scrawny kid off bully, but actually ends up throwing a few haymakers himself. Phew! My new book Global politics for dummies can be found at any good bookstore.

Entertainment news: Lance Bass (of NSYNC) - yeah the one with the upturned eyebrows, as if he’s forever surprised - says he’s gay....and has always been. He said he didn’t come out when he was in NSYNC ‘cos he wasn’t sure how fans would react. Awwwwwww. Wait a minute, hasn’t NSYNC been over for ages, why the dude bursting outta the closet now? Er, u see, dude’s got a sitcom coming out (yes, pun intended) soon. In it he stars as a gay guy who…….forget it, I lost interest after he opened his mouth and the ‘controversy sells’ bone flew out (yes, another pun) faster than he’d say, “Look, Justin’s a great success and ain’t no way he’s gonna wanna start up the band again. I’d better get myself (and eyebrows) a job.”

This brings me to a question a mate asked ages ago: Would u rather be a has been or a never been? Can’t remember if I’ve ever discussed this in previous blog entries, but it’s a question that always stayed in my head. Think about it, would rather be a Vanilla Ice who’s tasted fame and fortune or same ol’ u? Problem with has beens is except u Gary Coleman ain’t no way u gonna wanna take a ‘regular’ job after ur career’s in the dumps and u have no other source of income. That’s why Vanilla Ice has disgraced himself in reality shows on both sides of the Atlantic. Dude was involved in Celebrity Boxing by FOX (who else?) where Todd Bridges kicked his ass and handed him an ice pack (geddit? geddit? oh forget yous) afterwards. If that wasn’t bad enuff saw dude on some reality show on British TV freestyling while cooking in the kitchen. U’da seen the look on a fellow celeb’s face while Ice is rhyming “I slice like a knife / Grab ur life……..”. Yeah, yeah, Ice, no one’s gonna give u a record contract based on that. Want an idea for a reality show? Have a camera follow broke celebrities as they have to er, explain to their bodyguards and entourages that they cannot afford to hire them any longer. Now that’s a reality show I would watch.

In other entertainment news Mel Gibson was caught driving under the influence. The arresting officers didn’t buy the excuse that his bottle of water miraculously changed to wine. Lol…man, I kill myself. I need my own friggin’ TV show.

R.I.G. news: Sorry peeps, I know u were wondering why I abruptly switched topics after telling y’all about chopper ride. Did that ‘cos one of the R.I.G. guys was watching over my shoulder as I typed. U see R.I.G.’s like the Fight Club, u never talk about it. I’m taking a colossal risk here by telling y’all about it. See what I do for u guys? And no one even bothers to send me candy. Shame. Shame.

Like I was typing, the R.I.G.’s like the Fight Club, only we dance instead of fighting. Ever seen Breakdance or Electric Bugaloo? Well, it’s like that only…psst, think someone’s coming….okay they passed. Yeah, R.I.G.’s like Breakdance, only more intense and we hardly get any sleep. The R.I.G.’s always been in the professional male dancer’s folklore and most folk think it’s something dance instructors make up to keep their charges in line. “If u don’t twirl properly, I’ll send u to the R.I.G.” Now I know it’s true. Everything’s so true. Boo hoo…I’da listened to my friends and not left Lagos for PH…..boo hoo….oh what am I gonna do now….boo hoo….psst, I hear some footsteps. I shall TRY and get access to another PC soon so I can tell y’all what really goes on here. Tot ziens and God bless.

This just in: Cousin just informed me I’m the RSVP at her impending wedding. Just shoot me right now. Host (Alo’s wedding), Best man (Femi’s wedding), Host (Dapo’s wedding), Groom’s man (Ike’s wedding), now RSVP (Ese’s wedding). Yup, I’ve been to the altar more times than J.Lo.

Just in case y’all were wondering ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO* = Rolling On The Floor Laffing My Blistered Right Ass Cheek Off While Dressed In Amazingly Awful Orange Overalls. U shall understand better in next blog entry.

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