Sunday, January 03, 2010

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby introduce The Magnificent Moustapha, the only man to successfully wiggle his way out of a chastity belt.....”

Hola peeps. Feliz Año Nuevo.

(a) “I used to beat my wife the first couple of years after we got married. It wasn’t ‘til when I beat her one day and she fainted I knew I had to stop.”

(b) “I pride myself in never having raised my hand against any of my wives.”

(c) “A man should never beat a woman…okay maybe if she disses his mother.”

(d) “Lingerie? My wife is at heart a villager so she won’t appreciate such.”

(e) “Women? Kai, dem no get reverse. Na just straight their mind dey go. If u happen to fall for wayside u dey on ya own.”

What a way to start a blog entry, huh? Well, since last blog entry work’s been so intense I have slept all of three days in my bed in Warri. I am currently on a 2 month break – yeah u read that right – but before that it was one R.I.G. after another after another, a few days in Lagos, then back to the R.I.G. Saddest thang is nada exciting happened on any of tours, well except u count the guy with Tourette’s who randomly yelled out fixtures of the day for the Barclays English Premiership. Wait, let’s not forget there was also experiencing the sight (yes, singular) and sounds of Yenogoa, Bayelsa State in the Niger Delta. On one of the nights out on the town I’d not help but observe different versions of alanta dance moves that got me thinking about when exactly is the tipping point for dance moves to get accepted by the general public. I mean can u imagine the first guy who tried out the Running Man on a dance floor? He musta gotten laughed out of the place….well, except he was dancing with Ciara’s mama who woulda joined right along. Ha. Come to think of it a reality show I’d watch would be one in which Ciara wears a disguise, gets to go clubbing, we get to see what poor schmuck asks her to dance, and then she throws out her crazy ass legs and does those moves that gets everyone thinking, “Er, so is this a dance step or some sacred mating call?”

Don’t know how I forgot this, but on one of the breaks from the R.I.G. I bumped into some chick in PH wearing one of those hipsters that…wait, maybe I m a prude but when did it become fashionable to display the crack of one’s arse for all to admire? I swear the chick I saw in PH had a crack so revealing – I couldn’t help but stare – I thought it was a crescent moon and half expected a werewolf to jump out.

Anyways back in Lagos now and enjoying 2010. Actually my other new year resolution, after getting hitched, is to avoid procrastination. I know I have same resolutions year in year out but this time it’s for real. U wouldn’t believe the original version of this blog entry was started mid September 2009! That’s how busy work was, and how bad a procrastinator I am was. No more siree. This is Tunde 2.0 version er, er 10? Anyways this is the new improved, more responsible, more marriage-ready (hopefully) Tunde; hence, the five statements at the start of this blog entry. Last year I actually decided to confront my commitment phobia by conducting a research on marriage – more on this below - and being a procrastinator I was only able to ask random married guys and one jilted dude (provider of last statement) random stuff about their spouses. Dunno if I got any reassurances from their answers but do know I must expand the scope of questions when I conduct next set of interviews featuring the fairer sex. Stay tuned….

Family news: Family’s good as ever. Thank God. Since last blog entry my number of nephews has expanded by two. U’da seen the table the family was given at our annual Xmas lunch! With the way the family’s expanding I reckon our Xmas gatherings might soon be shifted to the national stadium.

As usual the Xmas break is an opportunity to catch up with family, especially nephews and nieces. Zane was in the country for a bit and got to hang out with him for a day b4 I flew off to PH for a meeting. Watched footie together on TV – dude’s becoming more and more of an Arsenal fan daily – and took him along to the annual FGC Warri Xmas party – it was first time I attended – where he drank 2 cans of soda and afterwards we had ice cream! Then I handed him off to my mom with the excuse that I’d to catch some zzzzz cos of my early morning flight the next day to PH. I cracked up as I heard her trying to instruct the dude, obviously on a sugar buzz from earlier in the day, to take a shower while he insisted on running around the crib and climbing on the couch. Lol…ah the joys of irresponsibility. Makes u wonder why peeps choose to have kids when they have nieces and nephews. Guess it’s just a chance to show off to ur friends that u also can be a parent. I won’t lie I sometimes long for that parental sense of pride when I hear colleagues talking about their children or see my siblings interacting with theirs; maybe my ongoing research will reveal more to me. Hmmmm.

Another interesting thang about children is their ability to say anything. Nephew Timayo’s been chiding me for wearing “girl’s earring” and when his parents told me he once asked them why uncle Tunde wears earrings and they couldn’t give him a convincing answer I decided to take my diamond stud off whenever I am around him. Sweet li’l kid.

Relationship news: Great thang about not being in a relationship is not giving a hoot when a girl’s dad comments on ur wearing a stud. Ha. On way from a wedding – only wear stud on formal occasions now…where I am sure I am not gonna see my nephew – stopped by a mate’s house and when she introduced me to her dad dude asked what was wrong with my ear. I politely replied, “Nothing sir”, with a firm handshake and a smile across my face. Dude shook his head, probably hoping his daughter chooses not to date me, and walked away. Now if it had been with Neo’s dad or a parent of some other chick I was dating I might have felt embarrassed or mumbled some apology for wearing a stud. No siree, Tunde 2.0 version 10 doesn’t give a hoot anymore. U see since Neo and moi ended things in August last year I have decided to go into ‘mourning’ phase. This involves not getting into a relationship with anyone until I feel marriage-ready in my head and heart. To be honest it’s partly an excuse to use the Usher defense, i.e. let an interested girl down easy by using the whole “U remind me of a girl that I once knew, See her face whenever I I look at u, Wouldn’t believe all of the things she put me through, That is why I just can’t get with u” line. U see the Usher defense is a bit like the infamous Twinkie defense, albeit less successful.

Guys are used to rejection, but women not so much; hence why the Usher defense comes in handy. Yup, the two female readers I have left are probably cussing me out right now amid claims of misogyny and who knows what else? They probably insisting one should be entirely honest with women at all times. Er, before y’all torch an effigy of moi and place the film of the ceremony on YouTube, what tactic u think George Clooney uses when he wants to break up with his endless string of beautiful companions? Exactly. So please don’t hate me for revealing a secret men have used for yonks. Capisci? Good. As expected the Usher defense is not a panacea for all women issues; in the past two months I have been called a coward for “not taking this opportunity life offers u to get into a relationship with someone like me who truly cares for u”, and a liar for “saying u’d not be in a relationship with me ‘cos u were with Neo, and now u and Neo are not together u coming up with some ‘mourning phase’ excuse”. Like I stated earlier this new version of Tunde ain’t bothered.

Worst thang about not being in a relationship (with Neo) is the look on ur mom’s face when she asks u when next u seeing Neo so she’d give u her Xmas card and u tell her u ain’t planning to see her during ur two month vacation. Yup, mom sure had high hopes for Neo and moi; so much so that she put up a photo of Neo and moi, taken during Chief’s 70th birthday, in her room. Yup, right beside photos of her married daughters with their families. It wasn’t ‘til 2 weeks ago I noticed she had taken it down. Oh well, these things happen.

Chief, on the other hand, is generally stoic regarding my relationship status. After I told him I had intended to use most of two month vacation groveling for Neo to take me back, but after first week in Lagos I realized it would be a wasted venture so backed off, the following exchange ensued:

Chief: Well, at least ur career’s going great and u finally listened to me by spending Xmas with ur family this year. Maybe I got too involved with what happened with u and Neo. Next time until u’re really sure and have possibly proposed to the chick I won’t want to know who she is, because one of the reasons I haven’t hung out at my social club in a while is ‘cos Neo’s dad sits next to me and we’d already considered potential wedding dates.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): But I never told u about any wedding dates?! Arrrggghhhh!!!!
Chief: So is there anyone on the scene now?
Tunde: No, I’d rather take my time. I am currently in ‘mourning phase’ and….er, forget what I just said. No, there’s no one.
Chief: Well, if u ask me I say u have every other aspect of ur life covered u just need to get this marriage thang over with. Hope I am not rushing u by suggesting u get married in 2010.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Ha. That’s exactly what u doing! Good thang I have decided to get hitched this year as well.
Chief: So? Am I rushing u?
Tunde: No, sir.
Chief: Good. So if u going to do anything u best make sure it’s after August as ur mom’s gonna be helping Nike with her new baby for the best part of 2nd quarter 2010.
Tunde (*thinking to himself*): Ha. This dude probably thinks I have a harem of potential fiancées lined up.

Hey, at least this conversation was better than last one I had with Chief at end of October. It was then I REALLY started thinking of my relationships ‘cos dude said he was disappointed in me. Seriously. Disappointed in me ‘cos I ain’t married?! I couldn’t get my head around it. I am not a saint but I pride myself in not intentionally lying to those of the fairer sex, and here’s my own father expressing his disappointment in me for what as far as I could tell was my reluctance to get hitched at a time he deemed fit. Couldn’t remember the last time I cried but I got teary-eyed after that talk. It was the discussion that led me to consider undertaking a research on relationships, but as was the norm then I couldn’t decide on where to begin.

In my head I had this idea of constructing a questionnaire where questions would run the entire gamut from mundane to controversial. Like I stated earlier I never got down to asking these. Instead I gleaned valuable information like the ‘confessions’ at the start of this blog entry from a combination of eavesdropping and posing Socratic questions. I didn’t know whether I was on the right track or not, but knew it wasn’t a coincidence that during movie gorging sessions on trip to Lagos in October movies showing at the time were The Taking Of Pelham 123, He’s Not That Into You, Substitutes, and The Ugly Truth. Now what do these movies have in common apart from the fact that Kevin Connelly starred in The Ugly Truth and He’s Not That Into You, and Justin Long starred in the latter and also Die Hard 4.0 with Bruce Willis, who starred in Substitutes with Ving Rhames, who starred in Pulp Fiction with John Travolta, who starred in Pelham 123 with Denzel Washington (carrying a fair amount of avoirdupois), who as a younger man was a spitting image of me? Okay, there’s really no link there, just listed the movies I saw in October hoping I’d glean a pattern that’d apply to my failed relationships. Maybe I truly need that break from relationships. Ha.

Yeah, another crap aspect about not being in a relationship is ur constant protestations about not wanting to be hooked up falling on deaf ears. Even worse is the women who think they now have a hold on u ‘cos u single. Weirdest case of such occurred last week when I was supposed to catch a movie and lunch with a mate. Even though I’d been queuing for petrol – more on that later – forever I didn’t get any and by the time I got to her office it was two hours later than scheduled and she had a meeting to attend. I apologized profusely and we agreed to shift the lunch date forward by a day. Since I was already on the Island asked a platonic mate who lived nearby to meet me up. As fate would have it there was crazy traffic after I picked her up and the short cut I took happened to pass by office of postponed lunch date. Now what u think are the odds of postponed lunch date’s meeting being cancelled and her standing outside her office as I drove past with platonic mate? 1,000 to 1? 100,000 to 1? Stuff like that only occurs in the movies, right? Well, so I thought. Postponed lunch date called my phone soon as she spotted me, I didn’t pick up ‘cos don’t pick up phone while driving, and by the time I returned her call she didn’t pick up. When she eventually took my call – two days later – and I wished her a happy new year she replied, “Same to u, or should I say shame to u? So that lady in the car’s the petrol u said u were gonna search for?” And to think I am not even in a relationship with her. Man, the sooner I get hitched the better.

Work news: Spent the longest time ever stationed on the R.I.G. - 5 weeks! Only reason I was assigned to the R.I.G. for so long is ‘cos I ain’t married. During that time my mind went through so many thoughts I finally decided to get some computer programming knowledge so I’d write a virus to target only married folk ‘cos this singleism is driving me crazy. Come on, let him stay there, after all it ain’t like he’s got a wife or kids to go home to. It got so bad I visited 3 R.I.G.s in 8 days – somewhere in all of this is a reality show concept, I just know it.

What kept me somewhat sane was the constant trips out of the R.I.G. to Yenogoa, Bayelsa State by my newest hero D (name withheld to protect the very, very guilty). While out in Yenogoa I also couldn’t help but notice how some songs are only heard in the Niger Delta. For instance, the most annoying song ever with a chorus that goes something like “mini mini mana mana…bend down low waist…” is a huge hit in the Niger Delta states. The further one moves away from the region the more unlikely it seems for radio stations to play such songs.

Before I go further lemme tell u a li’l about D and what makes him raconteur nonpareil:
a. Once made a pass at a 61 year old Caucasian woman while visiting the States;
b. While in the states he got involved with a seriously obese African American lady with 5 kids who slapped him around when he looked at other women, got on a plane to Nigeria to see him, attended a Nigerian white garment church in the US as she had two of those 5 kids for a Nigerian;
c. Over drinks dissected the prostitution game and for some reason seemed particularly knowledgeable on the going rate for prostitutes in Bayelsa and wondered how they could cope on N3,000 a week – cost of one client – as it probably affords one just a breakfast of noodles and boiled egg with no little or no savings to bank. I later discovered his affinity for the plight of prostitutes came after he woke up the morning after he slept with one and noticed she had laundered his underwear and other clothes. Julia Roberts eat ur heart out;
d. Made me escort him on a 1hr drive to see a Theatre Arts student at Niger Delta University, Bayelsa who was crazy rude after taking the food he brought for her. Still, chick called the next day asking for money at which D replied, “I be ya papa?”;
e. While hanging with D I overheard a prostitute negotiating with a john.
John: “Na u I see last week?”
Prostitute (*chewing gum and snapping it so loud that made me wanna stab her with a pencil…or at least introduce her to Chris Brown*): En, na me.
John: So come house with me tonight na?
Prostitute: Na 5 tazound.
John: Haba, make we make am 3 tazound na……

Then they caught me eavesdropping and started whispering to each other.

Yup, and I owe all these experiences to D. Why did I refer to him as my hero? Well, anytime he went to Yenogoa he’d cop some candy for me. I ate so much candy right side of mouth’s been sore for past 2 months. Still, u gotta love D.

Man, the R.I.G. tour was too much even for me…maybe ‘cos the food was crap. I ended up drinking even more garri than I normally do. Even beard was ridiculous by Tunde R.I.G standards…u don’t even wanna know about nose hair.
Yup, still not shaving off goatee until the Iranian situation improves and the recent demonstration during the holy day of Ashura might have made things worse, but damn it I am sticking to my guns (no pun intended). By the time y’all read this I’da probably broken all my new year’s resolutions, but I gotta keep this goatee protest thang going. Problem with being Tunde is I tend to be blasé about everything. Trust me I have done things I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d engage in, and recently I almost snogged a married chick – I said ALMOST people!!!!! Yup, that’s how easily my principles tend to crumble. So even if it makes no sense to anyone – to be honest it makes no sense to me sometimes – I gotta hold on to something that proves I can be steadfast, hence the goatee protest goes on. Er, however had to trim goatee after I left the R.I.G. as while there I observed not only did goatee start to lock, food crumbs got embedded in it and birds would wait til I was asleep and try to use it as a nest for their hatchlings.

‘Cos spent a lot of time bored on the R.I.G. listened to loadsa music while working on laptop and realized I’d easily be the bad guy in love songs, u know when the singer tells a girl “I’d love u more than that” or “U’d let me love u”, aka ‘Haters’ songs, well some of those lyrics fit me to a tee. Ouch. Got so bad I actually poured out my heart to my sis-in-law Keji. Gave me advise on what to do with Neo – she used to be Neo’s neighbor – and though I was unsuccessful I ended having a closer relationship with the coolest sis-in-law one could wish for. She’s definitely getting a ministerial position when I become president.

Also listened to loadsa Fela songs and surprised how what he complained about those years ago is still valid today. Amazing. I know deep down everyone was once/is a fan of Fela, so what happens when our present corrupt leaders listen to him. Do they know his songs are referring to them or do they conveniently block out those areas? The punks.

When I wasn’t listening to music taught students choreography, made up some more moves, and repeated cycle. Never thought I’d ever say this but I’m beginning to hate dancing. In fact got so depressed with monotony of dancing I once tried crystal meth. As fate would have it I got tested the day after by the guys from the I.A.D.C (International Association of Dance Choreographers) and had to fabricate a lie to avoid a suspension and loss of endorsements and…..oops, wrong life story. Hey, it’s easy to mistake my life’s story for Agassi’s, what with the premature hair loss, trophies - tennis for him, dance for me – and unsuccessful relationships. Hee hee.

I knew I had spent too long on the R.I.G. when my mind started going loopy. I started having thoughts like:

1. Ain’t it funny why insane folks in the UK do not go around without clothes like their Nigerian counterparts. Place is so cold they probably get cured of their madness soon as they take their clothes off. No mate, even I ain’t that mentally deranged to take my clothes off in the freezing winter.
2. Wouldn’t it be funny if they had separate toothpastes for the sexes? I mean they have male and female deodorants, male and female shaving sticks, etc why not go the whole hog?
3. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I walked around with a sash bearing the inscription “Boyfriend of last placed contestant in the Miss Nigeria beauty pageant”?

The last straw came when I went on a mate’s Facebook page and chided her for displaying a “boob infested” profile pic when she knew I had been on the R.I.G. for weeks on end. Her response? “What sorta person are u? I didn’t even know what u meant ‘til I looked at the pic closely. What sorta pervert notices such things?!” All attempts to reach her in order to render an apology have failed. Bummer.

Entertainment news: What else dominated last year but Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. Woah. Who woulda thunk things would end up the way they did? I feel real bad for the dude. I mean who would want their business all up in the open like that? In a further sign that proves women are each other’s worst enemy, ALL the black women I have spoken to about this all provide same refrain: Isn’t it shocking that off the women he cheated on his wife with there was no black woman? Woah. Is that really the issue?

The Nigerian music industry kept growing in leaps and bounds in 2009, and the quality of music videos is awe inspiring. Felt awful for all the times I have dissed Naija movies so took a conscious effort to watch one that was showing at the cinema. The Tenant was long and crappy, and the fact it won so many awards from some film festival led me to believe it was either a one-movie film festival or the quality of the other movies musta been the pits.

As there are now two cinemas in PH I got to see some movies when I visited there, but that didn’t stop me from gorging on movies during my recent stay in Lagos. 2012, Ninja Assassin, Avatar were better than I expected, the latter especially. After the crap that was Titanic I expected more of the same from James Cameron but this was a fast movie, even though it was quite long. That said it’s not a movie I’d be keen to see again, except maybe in 3-D. Sherlock Holmes was not as dynamic as I had hoped, maybe the sequel would be better.

Maybe it’s me but I don’t get the big deal about the Twilight series. Saw New Moon and that was way better than Twilight but that’s not saying much. Twilight was sheer awful. Oooh, look at me I am a vampire, and I can fly. I also play baseball with my family of vampires in the rain and…. Like I give a hoot. A pale faced voyeuristic vampire is supposed to be endearing? I don’t get it. Think it’s like the Harry Potter movies, maybe might get/like the movies once I have read the books…..if ever that happens? Yeah, does anyone know if Harry Potter dies at the end of the final book? No one still wants to tell me. Did Joanne K. Rowling make y’all swear an oath or something? Tell me!!!!!!!!

Nigerian political news: Where does one start from? U’ve already read examples of how the incompetence of those charged with the supply of petroleum refined products caused urs truly a lunch date. If that ain’t bad enough the situation’s gotten worse. Under normal circumstances the minister (and minister of state) for petroleum, head of Department of Petroleum Resources (DPR), Group General Manager of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) and their ilk woulda resigned but that stuff don’t seem to happen in Nigeria. And only dude that can fire them is probably dead in Saudi Arabia. Oh, is it too early in the year to crack jokes about our president who’s been missing for 40-plus days? Well, f&%k y’all. Even when Fidel Castro was ill we saw pics of him in the clinic, and when he couldn’t keep the Cuban people in perpetual suspense he handed over the reins of government. Not our dear servant leader. Oh no. This dude’s too ill to make the customary new year televised address or sign a letter handing over his duties to the lily-livered vice president, yet we are to believe the punk endorsed the 2009 supplementary budget that was purportedly taken to him in Saudi Arabia? Please pull the other leg, it has bells on it. Democracy indeed. Doesn’t help that we have a genuine Lady Macbeth in the form of the president’s wife who seems to neither care for the welfare of her husband or the Nigerian people. Bastards.

U know what would be crazy interesting? A website that tracks the number of days since the president was last seen and the statements emanating each day from the sycophant bastards trying to pull the wool over our eyes. Instead of giving us hard facts about the true state of the president’s health all we hear daily is “continue praying for the president”. As some columnist put it, “why should I bother God with my prayers for someone who’s so attached to power he’d rather die than hand over to his deputy until he is able to assume the mantle again?”

It’s the Nigerian factor people:

1. The Nigerian Football Federation is in such disarray the Nigeria team might not qualify for the World Cup, what should we do? PRAY that God will cause other teams to lose so we can qualify. Even some renowned televangelists go as far as predicting football scores for Nigerian games. Oh, God reveals footie scores to u but has nothing to say about the state of the Nigerian president? Hmmmm.
2. Petrol scarcity has pervaded the land and the people on top are clueless as to what to do. Why? Cos we put wrong people in positions of influence in order to fulfill quotas based on ‘national character’. Should we replace these punks with those that have a clue? No, instead let’s PRAY God will magically supply petroleum products from heaven.

U know what? F^%k them all. We should get the Attorney General of the nation and other peeps that keep insisting Yar’Adua’s alive to swear to that under oath. That way if dude’s dead and an autopsy confirms it the punks can be jailed for perjury. Trust me, none of them would agree to such a request. Honestly, this administration cannot point to any achievements since they’ve been in power. Obasanjo’s somewhere giggling to himself. Y’all wanted me out now u get to deal with the incompetent punk I fostered on y’all.

Now after some poor misguided Nigerian youth attempts to blow up a US-bound plane on Xmas day, and Nigerians heading to the US are to be specially screened the Nigerian government is all up in arms about this “unfair treatment”. Oh u don’t say. If I were the US government I’d subject Nigerian government officials to ever tougher screening just for the heck of it. A number of commentators reckon it was ‘cos of the deplorable state of the Nigerian education system, where government officials can establish private universities even as they do their utmost to sink the federal ones, the bomber’s father sent him abroad to study, and it was while there the guy was brainwashed into doing what he did. I don’t subscribe to that argument, after all loadsa Nigerians have sent their kids abroad to study and they didn’t urn out the way they did. Still, it’s good to know that the abysmal state of our schools is being subjected to even greater scrutiny……at least until this matter is no longer newsworthy such as when one of Tiger’s mistresses has a kid for him.

Every Nigerian with a passport is now dissing Abdulmutallab for “ruining things for us”. What the dude did was messed up no doubt, but I think we missing the big picture here. Have u ever had the runs in a public place and mistakenly messed up ur underwear and are at a loss as to what to do? Exactly!

Oh man, this is a loooonnnnng ass blog entry. Sincere apologies. Off to go queue for petrol. Tot ziens and God bless.

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