The After-party

Julio here. Did that wuss Tunde tell u how ace the wedding was? Man, I got ladies’ numbers coming out every orifice. Nothing like a wedding to bring out the playa in me. After surprising the happy couple with my impromptu striptease I’d ladies of various ages throwing underwear at me. Pure bliss. The guys from the office showed up at the wedding and seemed to enjoy themselves. Oliver looked especially dapper in his cream, transparent suit. Who knew he’d wear green g-string to a wedding?

Speaking of Oliver, did I tell u about the conversation we had? We had an argument about British TV and he said that, “unlike the Americans British shows are realistic”. In place of realistic read ugly ass actors. Oliver my man, there’s a reason why that cathode-ray tube's called a tele-VISION. Call me fickle but I believe that if u are gonna appear on my TV screen u’d better be better looking than my ugliest ex-girlfriend. American soaps are laughable but at least they have good-looking folk; even the extras are gorgeous! British soaps? Now that’s another matter.

Here’s Julio’s guide to British soaps:
1. Each soap must have at most 2 good-looking folk (2 men, 1 man and 1 woman, 2 women, or a human and a pet). To be a soap star in the UK being good-looking and talented are mutually exclusive.
2. At the end of the year the Association of Soap Stars (ASS) organize an award show to honour the ugliest of their peers. It’s called the British Soap Awards. Seriously, u’ve never seen an uglier collection of folk on TV. I mean it’d double as the set of a horror flick; most of the peeps in attendance don’t need makeup to frighten the heck outta kids. In a recent survey it was discovered that 99% of all kids who watch these soaps b4 going to sleep end up wetting the bed ‘cos of nightmares....well, that was the excuse I gave to my girlfriend last nite when she accosted me about the wet sheets. Hey, I have a weak bladder, y’all got a problem with that?!. Yeah, what was I talking about? The soap awards, yeah. Every year the show is hosted by one good-looking person and another, erm, not so aesthetically pleasing individual. If 2 good-looking folk ever host the show then someone has to forfeit their place in the audience.
3. Prestigious accolades include Ugliest Actor, Fattest Actor, but the worst seems to be the Phwoarh award, i.e. “phwoarh” is the sound one makes when one sees them ‘cos they are real fine. Yeah, right. The sad thing about this special award is that both men and women are up for this award: since there are only 4 soaps in the UK u can have between 2 and 8 peeps nominated, depending on the year. U can’t blame the actors for coveting the award though, it’s the closest they ever gonna get to an Academy Award.

Ain’t it amazing how u take a plane ride across the Atlantic and it’s a whole other world. Anyways, I’m off to light up a fat one. Tot ziens.