Sunday, December 07, 2008

I hate the bartender. If u looking for me I’m at the bar with her (spiking drinks)

Hola peeps. Le dije que no estaré ausente para de largo.

Spent only two weeks in new crib yet bored as heck. Colleague that’s supposed to be roommate is on leave and haven’t heard from him. Come to think of it dude hasn’t paid his share of the rent. First he said he couldn’t find his cheque book then it was some excuse or the other. Maybe dude’s decided to back out of sharing the place yet doesn’t know how to inform me. Hmmmm…who’s gonna cook for me now? Been living on fast food since I moved in and hoping, nah praying, the firm sends me on another training course so I wouldn’t have to cook.

It’d better happen soon ‘cos already getting dizzy from the crap food. Today I went to turn on the generator and swear I saw double generators. Man, I can’t live like this! To make matters worse this place seems to be like that old Tom Hanks movie The Money Pit. Thought I was getting an aiight house until I saw the amount of work that needed to be done. Foolish me, ‘cos was so excited at the prospect of a room mate that was gonna cook I paid the rent without agreeing with the landlord who would bear the cost of fixing the place up. Even though I hired someone who oversaw the provision of electricians, plumbers and carpenters to whup the place into shape, the carpenter is nowhere to be found though his work ain’t done, the plumber took forever to do his job yet I discovered a leaking faucet in my bathroom last night; only the electrician did a reasonable job and this was after weeks of hounding him. Memo to self: Never, never, never trust artisans. They are bottom of food chain, yes even lower than plankton and car salesmen. Okay maybe not as low as used car salesmen….but almost on par.

Other than the boredom it ain’t so bad living alone. Greatest thang about having the house all to myself is….yup, u guessed it…getting to walk around the house au naturel. For instance, before I started typing this blog I took a dump in loo attached to the master bedroom, wiped my butt in guest loo, shaved my head and showered in roommate’s(?) bathroom, worked out in living room, went back to loo in master bedroom to flush my work of art, then had a supper of malt drinks and groundnut, without even a glow-in-the-dark g-string to cover my assets. Yup, this is the life. Maybe I’d start a nudist colony…….er, maybe not. Not sure we ready for that in Nigeria. One doesn’t wanna get mistaken for a lunatic, does one?

For some reason since I moved into crib I’ve been snoozing real early. Think it’s ‘cos I do loads stuff lying in bed. That’s probably one of the reasons why I published last blog entry a week later than planned. In order to avoid repeating this mistake I just moved laptop to the study room and emptied a can of insecticide in master bedroom. By the time the pungent smell wears off I’da typed one or two pages. We’ll see if my plan works……

…..Nope, it didn’t. As u can see/read I’m still stuck on page one after two hours! I really shouldn’t have put up a mirror in study room – well, after experience with H.A.R.M. I put up mirrors everywhere in the house – ‘cos instead of typing blog spent time making funny faces in the mirror and….kinda embarrassed to admit this but that hasn’t stopped me before….. since I was naked I re-enacted the scene from The Terminator where Arnie appears from the future. After about 30 minutes of trying and reckoned I had it down pat I moved on to more mundane stuff like drawing crooked eyes on a pillow and tackling it. This is not a desperate sign for attention it’s ‘cos I haven’t been in a fight in ages and not sure I’d know what to do if I got into one. Not that I’m banking on that happening soon but….man, I’m bored!

Okay lemme describe what the crib currently looks like. It’s a four bedroom apartment with only my pair of rooms and the living room decorated. If elusive roommate shows up then he gets to decorate his rooms the way he likes, if not I’ll convert one of the rooms into my workout/chill-out/philosophizing room and take out an ad offering the other room rent free to anyone that would cook for me.

Maybe ‘cos of PH experience where I musta spent a total of 3 months in a crib I rented for 2 years I didn’t wanna hang on to property again so when moving to Warri I gave out loadsa stuff including three window air conditioners. Huge mistake – like pregnant Salma Hayek breasts huge – ‘cos the ceiling fan doesn’t do much to ease the stifling heat in my room, so soon as this blog entry is published I am getting me some air conditioners. Yeah, can just see it now. It’d be so cool (geddit? geddit? Air conditioners and cool? Aw forget yous) to walk into room from bathroom after a hot shower and perform my Terminator re-enactment in front of massive mirror. It’d create a special effects-type feel, offering better credence to my acting, dontcha think? Okay I’ll move on now.

Most things of things I moved from PH are scattered around or still unpacked in cardboard boxes, but installed a new toilet seat day I moved in. Hey, I figured if I am gonna be spending time chilling there I might as well be comfortable. Speaking of the loo y’all wouldn’t guess what happened to me over the weekend when I went to PH to see 11-month-married mate’s baby daughter.

Arrived PH Friday night and while waiting on mate to pick me up wrongly decided to have isiewu at some nightspot. That stuff was crazy peppery but it didn’t occur to Einstein here that he has a sensitive stomach. Next morning had beans and bread for breakfast and felt like a champ. Hey, thought Wheaties is supposed to be the breakfast of champions. Hee hee. Later that Saturday stomach started playing tricks. Went to the loo twice in less than 30 minutes and when mate and I went out forced dude to make pit stops along the way ‘cos of stomach. I fear when next I’m in PH I’d see a pic of mine with a Do Not Let Him Enter sign pasted outside hotels ‘cos musta used at least three hotels to empty my bowels. Mate would park, I’d step to the receptionist and enquire about their rates then politely ask the direction to the restroom while walking sylph-like so I’d not give myself away. It got so bad almost postponed return trip to Warri on Sunday ‘cos didn’t wanna mess boxers up while travelling. Ended up using the loo 8 times in a 24 hour span. Dunno why I keep track of stuff like this, but I do. My lifetime record is using the loo 9 times in twenty-four hours. Coincidentally, that’s also my record for number of times I drank garri in one day. Yup, still dunno why I keep track of these things……

Experience in PH made me long for Marks & Spencers tiddy whities I used to wear as a kid. Man, u’d fart with those briefs on and no one would be the wiser ‘cos they’d store fart until u got home at night and took briefs off; it’s only then fart would expand to occupy house and asphyxiate parrots and other smaller pets. That’s why I’d not have been fazed if I’d on briefs instead of boxers on Saturday. Even if I had a bowel displacement the M&S briefs woulda stored the, ahem, contents tighter than a baby’s diaper…….and like a baby I’da probably felt uncomfortable and cried to attract attention until my bum was wiped with scented tissue and a new pair of briefs donned on me. Aaaaahhhhhhh.

I am okay now though, well my stomach’s okay but arm and chest muscles hurt. They hurt so much I could only do four laps – average is six, but record is eight – around jogging circuit earlier today. The pain’s due to pumping iron intensely yesterday after having not lifted weights in months. I’da paced myself ‘cos arms splayed while typing hurts – see what I do for y’all – but most painful of all is bending left wrist backward in order to wipe bum after taking a dump. Now if I had one of those Japanese loos/bidets where warm water rinses one’s bum and air freshener is sprayed while one’s doing the do, that would be the business, no?

Hey, how do I go from discussing about pain to taking a dump? A shrink could probably hazard a guess that I find myself detailing aspects of my loo adventures ‘cos my subconscious is signalling that I have some dirty laundry that needs airing. How do I know this? ‘Cos I took a Rorschach test once and ALL the ink blots reminded me of loo imprints on baby diapers. Serious.

Back then I dismissed the shrink as a quack but now that I think about it there’s an element of truth in what she posited. Yes, my subconscious may be trying to tell me something, but when our leaders of full of shite what else is my mind gonna home in on?

Okay I admit that was a poor way of segueing to the following paragraph, but cut me some slack, will u?

The Constant Budgeter
Obama’s transition team is ‘Al B. Sure!’ (Geddit? As in Al B. Sure’s In Effect Mode CD? Aw forget yous, u’d get it if u old school) Dude’s already announced his economic team and plans are afoot to introduce members of his security team soon. How long’s it taking Yar’Adua to nominate ministers and get confirmation from the Senate? Exactly! I know, I know. Promised I wouldn’t dwell on the fact that our Constant Budgeter’s watch seems to be set on geologic time, but recently conversated with a mate about the vindictive acts Obasanjo carried out during his presidency and dude believes installing Yar’Adua was his final F.U. to Nigerians. “Oh ungrateful Nigerians don’t want me to govern for a third term? Just wait ‘til they get a load of this guy. They’ll be praying for my return”, he reckons Obasanjo musta said to himself while feeding his chickens.

So we’ve been stuck with Yar’Adua for almost two years and what have we got to show for it? Diddly squat. I got so tired of being tired of complaining – yes, u read that right - that I called a mate, who’s been invited on TV a few times to discuss the state of Nigerian politics, to arrange an appointment for my next visit to Lagos. It is hoped that between us we can fashion out a reasonable way to make the voice of the common man be heard above the din of backslapping and high-fiving by members of the Legislature. The punks.

Wait, someone please explain this to me. Yar’Adua knows he’s only guaranteed 4 years, right? He knows in order to win the popular vote he has to accomplish a modicum of the 7 point agenda he keeps trumpeting, right? If so then why the inaction on his part? His administration has had so many u-turns on policies they like a dog chasing its tail. In other countries the opposition would be salivating at such bone-headed governing, highlighting what they’d do better than the incumbent and promising a CHANGE if we vote for them next time around. Instead the leaders of the non-PDPs huff and puff just long enough to get invited into the PDP family. Arrrggghhh.

Oh man, I am getting myself worked up again. Gotta change the topic, gotta change the topic….erm, erm, okay just this open letter to Yar’Adua and then that’s it.

Oi president! Wake up!!!!

U don’t know me and I don’t know much about u, but ur wife’s a fox so u can’t be all that bad. Lemme get to the point: Nigeria needs ur full attention NOW. I know u a meticulous planner, but it’s high time u got off ur planning butt and started implementing. Look at Lagos State for instance, the governor there has long-term plans but is also implementing projects to cater for the immediate needs of the people. Okay maybe u have similar ideas but dunno how to get ur message across. If so I apologize for painting u with the same brush as ur predecessors….and most of the current state governors (and their predecessors…and their predecessors’ predecessors…and, well u catch the drift).

“So how do I improve my communication skills”, u ask? Well, here’s what I think u’d do. Reach into ur inner child and let Nigerians see that part of u. For instance, if as a kid u dreamt of being body builder u can start wearing tight-fitting shirts and flex ur muscles a bit before addressing the Nigerian people. I promise u people would love seeing this humorous side of u, the international press would replay ur speeches over and over, u’d become a YouTube phenomenon, and Obama would be so jealous at the shift in attention he’d invite u to the White House so he’d ride ur coattails, and most importantly people around the world would know Nigeria no longer as the country of 419ers and kidnappers. Come on, if u love Nigeria as much as u say u do u’d at least try this.

On the local scene this new CHANGE in persona could also help to disarm ur critics. Peeps complaining u haven’t done nada about the religious crisis in Jos? How’s about u adopt the cadence of a televangelist in ur next speech?

My fellow Nigerians-uh, let us join together-uh and drive out this demon-uh. This demon-uh of religious intolerance-uh. Repeat after me: Religiousssss Intolerance-uh. Say to ur neighbour, say “Neighbour, I will no longer practise religious intolerance-uh. Look ur neighbour in the eye and say…” er, er, if u can’t see ur neighbour ‘cos of PHCN withholding power blame my corrupt predecessors. In fact forget about religious intolerance let’s cast out the spirit of corruption-uh… Ha.

Do what I suggest Mr. President and people would absolutely adore u. Promise me u’d think about it? Thanks.

Your fellow patriot,
Tunde X.

So to any of u out there with connections to the presidency please make sure Yar’Adua gets my letter. Aiight peeps, off to make more faces in front of the mirror while thinking of which dreary eatery to feast at tonight. Who knows if I get real bored might skip Terminator routine and try re-enact some other nude scene from the movies. Erm, erm, I got it! Those who want an impression of the scene from The Silence Of The Lambs where Buffalo Bill conceals his, ahem, privates and dances in front of the mirror say ‘aye’; those who’d rather I follow the men in the white coats standing outside my window who are pleading to be let in so they’d move me to a nice padded air conditioned room say ‘Tot ziens and God bless.’

While drinking garri and taking a dump - it’s a Tunde thang called ‘recycling’ that I find myself doing at least once a year….yes, the nice men in the white coats kindly indulged me – it occurred to me why I keep track of mindless stuff like record number of loo visits within a time span. I am a trivia freak! Was never a fan but can still mention the full names of the New Kids On The Block – okay think I may have forgotten Danny’s last name – and names of the En Vogue ladies – Maxine was always my favourite ‘cos she had those real dark gums – and names of Michael Jackson’s siblings and the fact that Ricky Martin was once a member of Menudo and………..

Hi blog readers, Julio here. Yeah, I know it’s been ages since y’all read from me but I’ve been real busy designing my line of Razor Ramone wigs for aspiring faux Latin male strippers. BUT this ain’t about me. Y’all read the ranting in the last paragraph, right? How do y’all feel? Isn’t it obvious the dearth of home-cooked food in Tunde’s stomach is affecting his mental capacity? I urge those of u close enough to him to drop what u doing and rush to ur kitchens NOW!

Er, Julio here again. Just so u know Tunde don’t like mushrooms, raw tomatoes (he loves ketchup though), eggs, pasta, olives, salad, bananas, peaches, pears, er, think that sums it up. Cheers.

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