Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ‘97 if I offer u one advice this would be it: Wear Sunscreen

Hola peeps. Hombre, necesito un coche. All’s fine here in the PH and best of all I’ve now got my own crib (more on that later). First, must tell y’all I am having withdrawal symptoms from not having had roast plantain and fish for over a week now. Due to construction work being carried out around the club restaurant the eateries have been closed indefinitely. Dunno how much I can take it y’all; I am having the shakes and worst of all, I’m losing facial hair ‘cos of this. How else am I supposed to create fanciful moustache designs?

Michael Jackson, Eddie Murphy, Bernie Mac, Prince, Vivica A. Fox, and most black stars. What do these guys have in common? The more successful they became the lighter their skin tones. (Only Wesley Snipes looks the same and that’s cos the guy’s so dark he leaves fingerprints on charcoal.) Dudes, have y’all seen Vivica A. Fox lately? She looks like a friggin’ drag queen; her face is so bad she’d change her last name to Jackson. This was same chick that was once on People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People list. Sad. Man, her divorce really musta messed her up. First, she dates 50 Cent, then gets a tattoo, finally she goes all out to have plastic surgery on her boobies (which were perfectly okay before), her face, and who knows where else. It’s like she’s abiding by the WWLKD principle; WWLKD = What Would Li’l Kim Do.

The paragraph above is apt ‘cos a mate of mine recently saw an ad for Public Relation Officers (PROs) for a new niteclub in Lagos, and thing that pissed her off is the proprietors requested for “half-caste girls in their 20s”. I laffed when she told me, but wasn’t surprised. C’mon, this colonial mentality still affects most Nigerians in the way we react. Why do u think girls use bleaching (sorry, toning) creams in order to attract guys? I agree with the proprietors’ stance man, and as of this moment I’m off black chicks. If u black and I date u u’d better be real light-skinned (or red-bone, or light-skinDED, as my ebonics-speaking bros say) or an albino. Hey, my kids gotta have good hair since I am losing mine. I’m totally serious. In fact don’t even talk to me if u are darker than me. White power peeps, white power.

The details of my weekend are below.

Friday: Met up with a mate and he hooked me up with a cab driver so no more okada drivers gonna be bugging me. Yippee. Contacted the driver and he dropped me off at another mate’s. Tell dude I’m interested in hitting the town so moi, the dude, his brother, and their girlfriends all jump in his car to sample the delights of PH. Man, I’m crazy stoked ‘cos woulda gone stir crazy if I’d spent another Friday nite in that house. Finally, I’ll get to judge if PH chicks are as fine as peeps say they are. Hope places we visit would remind me of this club, DREAMS, in D.C. Man, never seen so many fine black women in one place. I swear I fell in love with a different chick every 5 seconds. Serious. Anyways, our first point of call is Big Bite. As the name implies it’s an eatery, but has a large outdoor area where live music is played. Man, can’t folk here think outside the box? The major mall here, Happy Bite, is named after an eatery now one of the primo hangout spots has the “bite” suffix as well. How original. Almost like folk in Atlanta naming most streets Peachtree ‘cos Georgia’s known for its peaches.

Sorry to digress again. So chill at Big Bite for a bit when my hosts meet a mate of theirs who’s with his girlfriend and her mate. We order drinks and everyone’s frigging shocked I am teetotal. Man, I’m getting tired of peeps acting like I’ve got a friggin’ disease when they find out I don’t drink alcohol. “Why don’t u drink…..is it ‘cos of religion……u are so uncool man…..” Man, I don’t give a hoot anymore and tired of explaining to folk why I stopped drinking. I am so uncool, huh? Whatever. Man, I’m so cool when I fart it’s like breeze from the ocean. I’m so cool if u didn’t know me u’d swear I was from the arctic. I’m so cool Jack Nicholson comes to me for tips. I’m so cool……hey, if I’m so cool I won’t need to defend my coolness, would I? Oooops, er, forget I wrote the last few sentences. Let’s just delete them shall we? Man, I’m so cool when I fart it’s like breeze from the ocean. I’m so cool if u didn’t know me u’d swear I was from the arctic. I’m so cool Jack Nicholson comes to me for tips. Aiight.

Okay so where was I? Yeah, so we at Big Bite and everyone’s drinking and I’m enjoying an ice cream when I look across the table and fall over my seat, literally. The table across has like 6 crazy fine chicks….and they all light-skinded too. Now I know the difference b/w Lagos chicks and PH chicks. Fine chicks in Lagos usually surround themselves with less fine friends while in PH the fine chicks here have fine friends. Man, if this is what the rest of the night has in store then I’m ace. Now if I can find a way to get those guys away from them. Arrrggghhhh. Yeah, so I’m making casual conversation with my mate’s girlfriend, the band’s playing and all seems right with the world. Then I notice the girlfriend of the dude we met at the joint is draining her bottle of Guinness like it’s going outta fashion. Man, this chick should be on TV! Anyways, Guinness chick, her friend and her boyfriend leave us to head to somewhere else while the rest of us chill for a bit. Okay, we weren’t really chilling. We’da gone with them but mate’s girlfriend happened to come across a text message on his phone so seized the car keys. Man, what an inauspicious start to the night. Why should she read his text messages anyways? Maybe the better question to ask is why dude let her have his phone if he’s got incriminating stuff on it. An even better question is why am I talking to myself when I’d be plotting to move to the table across? After mate whispers a few sweet nothings in his girlfriend’s ear (for an hour) we depart for LULU’S.

Wait almost forgot to tell y’all about the live band at Best Bite. They seemed to have an affinity for Akon and did a remarkable job. They kinda lost my support with their rendition of 2Face Idibia’s African Queen. How best can I describe it? Imagine a souped-up Igbolized version of African Queen that the male patrons end up dancing to by waving their hankies and wiggling arses like it was Oliver DeCoque playing. Shocking, huh? Well multiply that by a shock factor of 5. If 2Face wasn’t so busy getting English lessons I swear he’da gone ballistic. If that wasn’t bad enuff the band seemed to have a favourite patron and would refer to him before each song. “Chiefito, how body? I know say u like girls with big breasts, so here’s a song about breasts….” And they’d go on to play whatever ‘Chiefito’ wanted. Saddest thang about it is Chiefito never said a word, he’d send some dude in a faded white t-shirt to respond to the band whenever they directed a question to him. Serious.

So we arrive at Lulu’s and see our fav Guinness chick’s downing another bottle of her, er, medicine. Man, I pray she never reads this ‘cos she seems like a nice chick. I’m only going into details ‘cos y’all asked for some, and, well, I’d nada better to do since most peeps around the table were ‘coupled’ up. Next thing u know my host is whispering in my ear to hang with the Guinness chick’s friend, u know, “just to talk”. I politely declined ‘cos I wasn’t in the mood and there’s nothing I hate worse than those awful, long silences in conversations when peeps have nada to say to each other. Besides, the chick wasn’t my type – yup, she was darker than Wesley – and some better looking chicks had settled at the table across. Okay, time to go do my thang. I’ll walk over, introduce myself, crack a joke and………oh no, they came with guys. Man, what’s up with this town? Can’t women go out on their own?! So while hatching a plan to talk to the chicks grilled fish gets delivered to our table, and it was at that point I was happy I didn’t talk to the dark chick. U know how African American women always claim they have some Indian in them? Well, this chick musta had some piranha in her ‘cos she went thru that fish like she was enrolled in a fish-eating contest. Man, it was a sight to behold. Now I see why she’s friends with the Guinness chick; they’d have a double act on TV.

After Lulu’s we went to…..oh forgot to tell ya I succeeded in getting to the table with the chicks after their male friends went for a stroll. I was my usual nice self and got one of them to gimme her digits – the other one wasn’t fine anyways – so we’d hang out sometime soon. Called her yesterday (hey, I was playing hard to get) and discovered she’s a student at the University of Port Harcourt. Arrrggghhh, not another student. Man, is that how aristoism starts?

Okay, yeah, after Lulu’s we head to G’s PLACE, which is like a small niteclub but the music wasn’t bad. Spent most of nite dancing with host’s girlfriend. Best thang about the nite? We got tired of the scene about 4am and drove home. Yup, we actually drove to his crib at that time of the morning, even though it was on the other side of town. If I was in Lagos I’da waited ‘til 5.30am or later to drive home ‘cos of the security situation. Went out dancing with an ex once in Lagos and dropped her off at her’s – she lives not too far from the club – at 3am. Then, went back to the club, but got bored with the scene by 4am. Had to sleep in my ride ‘til 6am before I drove home. Now that’s one aspect where PH’s got Lagos beat.

Saturday: Woke up early-ish ‘cos had booked an appointment with another estate agent to go house hunting. We departed mine about 11am after dude told me his fees – it includes a 1,000 Naira ‘transportation’ fee, even though I’m the one paying for our journey around town – we jumped in the Batmobile, okay it was an okada, and went in search of the perfect bachelor crib. After a few misses we found it at 2pm. This was a newly built, never-been-lived-in 3-bedroom apartment. Man, it was love at first smell (of fresh paint); everywhere was marbled. I immediately pictured where the TV would be situated; the location of the huge bowl for eating cereal was sorted as well in my mind. At that point in time I was ready to appear on MTV Cribs.

Hey, ever wondered what MTV Cribs Nigeria would be like? “Hi, welcome to my crib. These are my cars. As u can see I’ve inscribed my license plate number on the side mirrors so they don’t get stolen. It also serves as a deterrent to police who wanna trump up a charge against u.
This is my compound. The barbed wires u see across the fence are top of the range baby. Bling bling. I used to have broken beer bottles up there, but that was when I was much younger and still ‘street’.
Come into my bedroom. Yup, this is where the magic happens. Okay seriously, I don’t know what that means but I hear those Americans say it so reckon I’d as well. Er, do they perform magic tricks in their bedroom? Hey, can u imagine what David Blaine would say if the MTV Cribs cameras went into his bedroom? Ha. Knowing that dude he probably sleeps in his bath tub…..filled with ice. Okay let’s move on to the kitchen.
Here in the kitchen u can see the rattraps under the fridge and in the store, sorry I meant pantry. Also u can see the sacks of rice, beans and some unripe plantain. Those collection of plastic bowls u see up there have been gleaned from weddings attended over the years. I have more than I ever need, but whenever I go for weddings I still fight tooth and nail to acquire more. What can I say, it’s tradition.”

Okay, back to reality. So I check out the apartment and I’m loving everything about it. Price is a bit steep and goodness knows I cannot afford a 3-bedroom crib, but I cannot help but love the place. If I gotta dance for ladies for 24 hours non-stop I’m getting this place.

Sunday: Woke up at 4am ‘cos my back was hurting. Had to crash on the uncomfortable curlicue metal couch ‘cos my mate’s back in town and his girlfriend Sira spent the nite. Used the opportunity to send a text message to Nengi informing her that I’d not be able to make church ‘cos my clothes are in my mate’s room and he has, er, company. Nengi called about 8am laffing her ass off at my predicament. Man, I need to get that house asap; it’s a shame I couldn’t see the landlord yesterday. Anyways, good thang Nengi’s laffing ‘cos it shows she’s not as mad at me as she once was. Yup, TRT kicked in again 2 weeks ago. U see she picked me up from work to view some other place I was interested in getting and afterwards she suggested we stop by her’s so she’d pick up food prepared by her mom. Day was crazy stressful and it didn’t help that I’d developed a crush on a married colleague. I know what y’all are gonna say, but she’s the only fine chick that works here….and her smile, man, her smile. Sorry to digress yet again.

Anyways, so we getting to Nengi’s when she tells me to step out of the car and walk to the other side of the road. U what?! Turns out that though she’s turning 28 in a few weeks – oops, that reminds me, I gotta remember to get her a gift when in Lagos this weekend – her dad still doesn’t let guys visit her at home. Couldn’t fathom that and must confess I kinda sulked after she picked me up. Hey, I’m working at curbing TRT attacks! Cut me some slack here. The next morning it dawns on me what a punk I’d been; I mean this is a chick who feeds my punk arse and I respond by acting like an infantile punk ‘cos I get asked to make a sacrifice once. Man, I’m such an arse sometimes. Okay, enuff self-bashing. I pick up my new, sleek cell phone and give her a call. I apologize for my behaviour and I can tell immediately she’s still pissed. Apologized almost daily since then but she hasn’t budged and I haven’t seen her. That’s why u understand why I was so pleased she laffed at my predicament. OBTW she promised to show up at mine later in the day on Sunday, but stood me up and didn’t even call to apologise. Guess I deserve that.

Spent the early part of Sunday drooling about the house I saw on Saturday. My mate then invites me to this shindig his mate’s hosting. We get there and it’s like a mad house. All guys drinking and smoking and just one chick, the host’s girlfriend. We all watching the footie on the TV and this chick’s almost subservient. This is worse than being a geisha. Again I don’t drink so I get to observe stuff. Dude sends the girl to the market to buy meat in order to make some pepper-soup for the boys; she dutifully goes. After she’s done cooking dudes eat and fling the bowls wherever they feel like; she picks stuff up. Most eerie part of the day was when the match was over and all the guys are chilling, u know, shooting the breeze. Some dude drops a bottle of beer and chick runs out with a broom and a dustpan and host, threw his blurry gaze, showers encomiums on his chick. “Man, this my babe try o. She too dey…..” Dude had the look of pride Mary J. Blige did in that dinner party scene in her video (Be Without You), when her beau (Terrence Howard’s character) is the life of the party. An ‘awwwwww’ moment, right? Wrong. After she’d done sweeping up, dude snickers to his friends about some other chicks they had to meet and left the girl in the crib alone. Ouch. Man, I could never date a girl like that. I’d always be scared she’d slit my throat one night when I’m asleep.

So there u have it. That’s what I was up to over the weekend. Oh no, forgot to mention I also saw some DVDs. Hoodwinked is a funny ass movie. Man, I’da thot of that concept. The end was kinda flat though. Here’s a brief review of movies I’ve seen in the past few months (okay we’ll just do the ones I saw in the cinema).

1. Mission Impossible 3: Felt it was better than Part 2. A shame it didn’t make as much money as its predecessors though. That’ll teach Tom Cruise for having a brain fart on Oprah’s show.

2. X3: Beautiful….though lacked some soul. Maybe it’s ‘cos it was directed by Brett Ratner, whom a CNN movie critic referred to as “an industrialist”. Lol…industrialist, that’s funny.

3. The DaVinci Code: Some background. I had to watch this movie ‘cos I’d bought 2 tickets for X3 and this chick stood me up. Cinema proprietors said they wouldn’t gimme cash for the unused ticket and offered to swap it for a ticket for next available movie which turned out to be The Davinci Crap. Walked in about 20 mins after the movie had started, but man, it was still too loooooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggg. Funniest moment was some chick in seat behind me shouting at the screen. “Blasphemy! These guys are fools”, she mouthed. Lol…sure, and she paid to watch the movie, so who’s the fool?
OBTW the chick who stood me up called with a perfectly good excuse. If she wasn’t so fine I’da been pissed.

Oops, it’s 8.20pm and need to get home. See what blogging for y’all has done to me? Just called my cab driver and dude’s stuck in mad traffic ‘cos of the rain. So how am I gonna find my way home now seeing as okadas are prohibited from travelling after 7pm? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Ooops, How Am I Gonna Get Home? Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Here’s some other ideas for MTV Base Africa (since they seem to lack programming knowledge) that I came up with with my Ugandan mate Daveed:

1. Pimp My Phone: This is where Xzibit 2Face Idibia surprises women by exchanging their crappy phones for sleek ones. Sometimes he might even purchase air time for them.

2. Pimp My Passport: This is where Africans are finally granted visas to the US after years of rejection. “Thank u MTV for pimping my passport. I know u gave me a six month visa, but ain’t no way I am coming back.”

PPS
U’ve the Chicken, the Funky Chicken, u even have the Snake; another thang roaches didn’t do for us humans: inspiration for dance steps. OBTW, haven’t noticed any roaches since last blog. Thanks for fasting and praying.

PPPS
That UniPort chick’s been flashing (beeping) me like crazy. Does this qualify me as an aristo yet?

PPPPS
Just got a call from chick who stood me up; she now has a pet puppy. Awwwww. Time to watch Fatal Instinct again. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

PPPPPS
Best thing about not drinking is observing inebriated folk diss each other. Some priceless gems from Sunday:

1. Abeg na u get that yeye car wey be like one wey terrorists dey take do suicide bombing?
2. Na free that shoemaker take cut ya hair, abi?

Just an aside: I think I’ve discovered why most guys drink. It’s probably due to the fact that we aren’t great at making conversation like women are. Say guys get together w/o alcohol, after discussing footie and business for a bit we have nada left to say. That’s why when u see a group of male friends chilling in a bar and an hour goes by they run outta stuff to say. As soon as another mate of theirs walks in notice how animated they get. If they Nigerian they start cheering him: “Bad guy….husband of the ladies…..etc”. Secretly, they hoping dude has some fresh topics to talk about. Observe this some time and u’ll see. And yes, I know I’m a genius.

PPPPPPS
Bin Laden just released another tape. Man, this dude’s like friggin’ 2Pac, releasing a tape/CD every year.