She shampoos my locks goatee

Hola peeps. Que haces? Tu…….hold on, where are my manners? I promised to give y’all update on the wedding so here goes.

Remember when I told y’all the wedding couldn’t be as hectic as the engagement party? I was crazy wrong. Man, that place was like a carnival and that convinced me to work real hard so I can host my wedding on a private island. There were too many folk, but must say I never knew my sis had so many fine, single friends. Was almost tempted to throw out my philosophy of not dating sisters’ friends. Well, my sis is now married, so technically she’s no longer an Odeyemi, so that means dating Kemi Odeyemi’s friends is no longer against my principles and……. let’s just forget about that for now. So back to the wedding: the couple looked amazing and I looked even better. Man, u’da seen my suit, shirt, tie combo! Lol…man, I kill myself. Anyways, glad the wedding’s all done with and know musta created some enemies on the day ‘cos got angry at peeps. There was more than enuff food and drinks to go around thrice but peeps were just greedy. Lost my rag at some woman who was fighting for a bottle of wine. Friggin’ preggers she was! Bloody amazing.

So what y’all been up to? Moi? Moving cities. Yes, left Lagos for Port Harcourt (PH) on Sunday and must say that there’s no place like Lagos. Dunno what I was expecting, but, wait that’s not true, I kinda had an inkling as to what to expect ‘cos peeps have been drumming it in my ears ever since they found out I was moving to PH. Peep this, had a get-together with some folk last week Monday and every one of the 12+ peeps there warned me that PH women have a way of making men forget themselves. My fav anecdote was, “u moving to PH? Man o man. My dad worked there for 2 years and came back with 2 kids. My mom was flabbergasted. Hear it’s something in the soup they cook that drives men crazy.”

So go out Friday nite as it’s my bro’s last Friday in Lagos before he goes back to the UK and chose to spend Saturday at home. All of a sudden it’s 9pm Saturday nite and I start getting nervous about my impending trip. Dunno what it is ‘cos I’m usually keen to seek out new frontiers. Is it ‘cos I’d miss family? Not really, in fact kinda glad I’d be away from Lagos crib for a while ‘cos while based in Abuja for 2 months mom and I never had an argument – absence does make the heart grow fonder – but one week together in Lagos and we fall out. So what was the problem? Dunno. All I know is I didn’t kick the ‘feeling’ til the next day.......er, a li’l of the herb helped in that.

Okay, enuff mushy stuff so let me tell y’all what PH is like, even though I have only been here 3 days. There a lot of li’l things that make my life in this place so much different from Lagos. For instance, air conditioner in room was faulty for most of last week so slept in the living room ‘cos didn’t feel alright sleeping with just the fan. Here, I am happy, nah delirious, if there’s power to run the fan. First day here I woke up to no power, had a cold shower, and took an okada (commercial bike) to work ‘cos cabs don’t run around my area. Truth be told I don’t think I’ve seen any cabs since the day I arrived and those were the newly imported ones dedicated to the memory of Nigeria’s dead first lady. Serious. Weird thang is I’m loving this life of cold showers and okadas. Maybe it’s the white man in me. Ha.

I reckon the best approach to informing y’all about PH would be to dispel/confirm some myths about the place, a la Discovery Channel’s MythBusters.

Myth 1: PH is reaaaaally expensive:- True and False, rather I’d say Cannot Confirm Yet. On the day I arrived a mate of a mate called Nengi (see below) took me to an eatery on way from airport. Food cost about the same as Lagos so thot the myth was false, but first day at work I ordered stuff at one of the eateries at office complex and got hit with an outrageous bill. Problem is I paid w/o batting an eyelid ‘cos other folk did the same. The cashiers at this eatery are either geniuses or stone cold criminals. How else can u explain ordering 5 different items and cashier, without missing a beat, reels out total cost without consulting a calculator or providing a receipt? I got my eye on those folk. OBTW speaking of food, I tried a local delicacy yesterday: roast plantain (aka boli or bole) and roast fish with peppery sauce. Man o man.

Myth 2: PH women are really beautiful:- Again, I Cannot Confirm Yet. If the women I saw at the airport are quintessential PH women then myth is True, but I have only been here 3 days so shall get back to y’all on this.

Myth 3: PH women cook meals that drive men crazy:- If the plantain and fish is anything to go by then myth is True baby. Bloody True. However, I have had meals at mama puts in Lagos that were just as good, but must say that PH women sure do know how to make a guy feel welcome. B4 y’all start thinking all weird lemme expatiate. I tell one of Kemi’s cute friends at the wedding I’m moving to PH and she says she’s got a mate there, Nengi, who’d show me around. So I call Nengi on eve of my departure and she tells me to take a cab from PH airport and she’d meet me where I plan to put up. Come Sunday I get a call from Nengi informing me she’d pick me up from the airport instead as she’s gotta drop someone off on same day. Woah. As if that’s not mind-blowing enuff she ends up renting movies, taking me to my mate’s crib - where I’m currently chilling at – and basically spending all of Sunday keeping me company.

If y’all thot that was a one-off I call my mate’s girlfriend (who’s supposed to gimme keys to his crib as he’s outta the country) when I arrived in PH and she said she’d meet me at the crib. ‘Cos Nengi and I made pit stops to buy petrol, rent movies, etc we didn’t get there on time. Mate’s girlfriend, Sira, musta called at least 3ice to make sure I wasn’t lost. Got to the crib and she was as congenial as can be. She ended up staying a bit also to make sure I was “comfortable”.

It’s now Day 4 and both women call me at least 2ice a day to make sure I’m cool and eating okay. Sira keeps apologizing for being so busy at work (like it’s her fault!) and promises to come over this weekend to prepare some food. She even asked what I’d like to eat. “I know u Yoruba guys like okro a lot, but I am not sure how to make it. I’d learn though….”, she said. I kid u not. Meanwhile, Nengi also apologized for her busy workload and as she doesn’t cook plans to get her mom to make any dish I want so she’d drop it off during the weekend after she’s done showing me around town.

Funniest thang about this is both these chicks are fine and have boyfriends, so do not stand to gain nada by treating me this way. Either these chicks are modern day geishas or PH guys are living the ultimate life! No wonder my mate’s not so interested in coming to Lagos anymore. No wonder my other mate’s dad ended up with 2 kids in 2 years. Man, sign leading from PH airport should be changed to: Welcome to Port Harcourt. If u are a woman, get ready for mucho competition. If u are a man, kiss ur loved ones goodbye. U know those demented suicide bombers who feel that by blowing themselves up they’ll get to chill with 72 virgins in paradise and be treated like kings? They’d be alive now if they’d only visited PH. Maybe I’d suggest this to the UN.

Myth 4: PH folk cannot provide stimulating conversation:- This was told to moi by a former colleague who’s now based here. Apart from co-breakdancers I have not really interacted with regular PH folk. Nengi and Sira are ace to talk to and seem to be aiight. So why am I not declaring this myth False? I walked into the apartment yesterday to find this chick watching The Sixth Sense. Walking from the kitchen to my room door I overheard the following: “This na dat movie wey dem dey call Six Sense? I don hear about am, na the movie wey dat small pikin dey see dead people, abi? Yeye oyinbo, na witchcraft dey worry am and dem talk say na six sense……”. So I’ll leave y’all to judge this.

Myth 5: Power supply is erratic in PH:- Well, no different to Lagos. Problem here is petrol stations close early (6pm) so one has to be quick. Also most peeps buy petrol in cars and siphon into containers ‘cos they petrol attendants mark up price by over 50% if one buys in a jerry can directly. The other day discovered we’d run outta petrol so sent my mate’s cuz to get some for the generator. Luckily, dude got some but here’s the kick: the petrol station wouldn’t sell to him, but directly in front of the station was some dude selling petrol, black market-style.

So there u have it. If y’all have other myths that warrant investigating please don’t hesitate to contact my people.

Okay time to go mount an okada home ‘cos just discovered they don’t run after 7pm. Just thot of something funny, wouldn’t it be cool if I convinced the owner of the breakdancing club to organize company bikes, with drivers/riders, for top performers? Man, I kill myself. Hold on, Nengi just called…so like I was saying…ooops, Sira’s on phone now. Lol…..miss y’all like crazy. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
OBTW haven’t come across any prostitutes yet, much less those carrying Bibles.

PPS
Y’all will be glad to know I’m finally changing my phone. Not ‘cos ur disses (“Hey, was that Fred Flintstone’s phone?”) worked but ‘cos phone charger doesn’t work anymore. Well, it kinda works but I gotta hold phone at an angle and serenade it b4 it charges. No lies. For some reason it charges faster when I sing Barry Manilow songs. I suspect phone was sabotaged ‘cos when I informed my bro I was in the market for a new one he started speaking in tongues and praising God for finally answering his year long prayer.

PPPS
Still found nada to make fun of Sharon Stone about………except this: was flipping thru TV channels last week and came across a Nigerian movie chronicling the tale of a good looking woman who uses her body to get to the top. The title? SHARON STONE. Lol…..bloody unbelievable.