My hips don’t lie……but my lips tell tales

Hola peeps. Otro día otra entrada. PH is aiight, but still getting ‘advice’ from mates. Since last blog entry I got contacted by long-lost mates and one responded, “u’d better be careful, PH women are desperate” and the other, “man, be careful. My friend in the US got $14,000 stolen from his crib by some PH girl. He can’t say anything about it ‘cos he’s married…” This just in from a coworker who gave a toast at a wedding last month in PH: “I was hung over from the bachelor’s eve the night before and ended up saying gibberish. Saw disgust on the faces of the audience so thot I’d end with a mushy line. I ended speech by saying I hoped by May next year single guys like moi would be married as well. As I was exiting the venue some chicks standing by the exit said, ‘We are waiting for u.’” So there u have it.

Getting used to life here. Must say I’m looking forward to my mate’s arrival so we can go shopping in his ride. Right now all we have in the fridge is water, loads and loads of bottles of water. Kinda reminds me of another bachelor pad back in the ATL. We used to diss this dude that all he had in his crib was water and heat. Even in the summer his heater was always on.

Spoke to dad a few days ago and told him about my chosen mode of transport here. Dude was horrified and asked if the okada riders in PH are as reckless as those in Lagos. After I affirmed his fears dude suggested fixing my car rapidly so I could use it in PH. Huh, whatever happened to, “My dad died when I was 12 and I have been looking out for myself since so u don’t need me to help out all the time….”? Awwww, dude REALLY cares. Told him I am cool and don’t mind experiencing life on okadas for a while. Yup, that white-man gene is definitely becoming dominant. Lol. I can count on one hand the number of times I’d mounted okadas before arriving in PH.

a. Ketu, circa 1993: After retaking GCE exams – yep, at some point in my life I didn’t take academics too seriously – at some school in Ketu I stayed behind ‘cos of some crap shindig organized by a dude who lived around the area. Chick interested in didn’t show up and by time I was ready to leave I realized only means of transportation was okada. It was a 5 minute ride to nearest bus stop, but seemed like a lifetime ‘cos I was sweating buckets.

b. Mile 2, circa 1996: Got a call from girlfriend-to-be, who was mates with my bro Akin’s girlfriend, saying she’d be visiting Ogbomoso, where my uni was located. Even though I was broke as heck at the time I borrowed, nah nicked, bucks from mom and proceeded to Mile 2 to catch the next bus for Ibadan. Almost as soon as I left my crib it started raining like heck thot an okada ride would be fastest means to avoid impending traffic. (Man, see what I do for women!) All was cool ‘til we got to Mile 2 and dude thot he’d impress me by braking fast. Ended up in a ditch and bruised my right palm (I still have the scar). Got to Ogbomosho, saw girl who became Girlfriend B and spent night there. Left for Lagos next day and as soon as I got home I developed typhoid fever. In retrospect, the bruise and subsequent illness shoulda convinced me she was bad luck. Ha.

c. Ikoyi, 2005: A colleague, let’s call him NnamaChike, convinced me to get on an okada as both our cars were in the shop and we had to get from a client’s back to the office. Let’s just say that incident severely dented my Island Big Boy status and I’m still working at fixing it.

Since been in this town discovered that there are a number of guiding principles for taking okadas:

1. Have a spiritual anchor:- The okada drivers are like kamikaze pilots. Before u mount one make sure u’ve prayed to God and be sure u on right footing with Him, ‘cos with these guys u’d lose ur life before u think, “Lord, I am sorry for looking at the girl lustfully, please forgive me.” The other day saw a chick on the back of an okada praying with a Catholic rosary, while to my right some Hausa dude on an okada was doing the same with the Islamic rosary. U see, it’s not only football that can unite peeps of different religious backgrounds. Send Nigerian okada drivers to the Gaza Strip, I say. Another free suggestion to the UN from the Fresh Prince of Bradford and the future President of Nigeria (i.e. me).

2. Learn the posture:- Woke up early on first day here and spent 20 mins observing folk before I got on an okada. The trick is to sit grasping the metal seat support with ur right hand (or left hand if u left-handed, or both if u ambidextrous) while resting the free hand on ur knee. This way if the driver runs into a bump u can grasp his waist with ur free hand. (Erm, this is where ambidextrous folk are at a disadvantage. That’ll teach y’all showoffs!!!!) Novice passengers tend to grasp the driver’s waist with both hands, but this is frowned upon ‘cos most drivers tend to think male passengers who do this are questioning their manhood. Made this mistake on first day here, but okada driver didn’t complain, in fact he told me to hold on tighter. Didn’t suspect nada ‘til the next day when I saw dude, shirtless, waiting outside the gate to my crib. Dude then said, with a lisp, “Oga, I been think say make I come wait for u this morning. No forget to hold me even tighter today as na bumpy road I go pass to ur office….”

3. Be prepared for rain:- Oooops, dunno what to do when it starts raining. Is it proper etiquette to hold an umbrella when the driver doesn’t have one? I hope I never experience this.

Came across another local delicacy last night: white rice and peppersoup. U take a spoon of boiled rice and dip it in the bowl of peppersoup. Not sure I’ll jump on that bandwagon though. Since we on the subject of food, it seems the lady I buy boli and fish from is now taking advantage of moi. The other day I’m sure she overcharged me for a meal ‘cos ordered something slightly smaller than usual and she charged me the same. I’m watching her c-l-o-s-e-l-y.

Family news: Was gonna put up some of my sister’s wedding pics on the blog, but decided it’d be better to have y’all view it urselves on their wedding website. Nice pics, huh? Hey, here’s a radical idea, what would happen if the couple made silly faces, a la Jim Carrey, on all wedding photos? I’d be willing to do it on a bet. Imagine pulling a sad face when the officiating minister asks u to repeat ur vows, or a happy one when someone from the congregation (obviously in on the joke) objects when the minister gets to the ‘Does anyone have any objections to these two getting married?’ point in the service. My wife would kill me, but at least it’d be crazy hilarious. What do y’all think? Don’t gimme ur answers yet, take ur time.

More family news: My bro Ayo arrived on the eve of Kemi’s wedding and spent a total of 7 days in Naija. Was ace having him around and kinda miss him. Man, dude’s been away from Naija since 2003 and was trying to make up for it by going out every nite. Lol. Went bar hopping last Friday and ended up at a club where the music was top-notch. Like I told y’all times w/o number I love dancing, but kinda like my dance partners to be somewhat presentable. No, not Ayo. Dude was dancing with this chick who wouldn’t look outta place in MJ’s Thriller video. I swear. Thang is we at an age when we don’t go to clubs to look for women anymore so he feels he’d rather dance the nite away with whomever instead of standing around. Nice philosophy, but I’m too fickle for that. Back in the day I would walk into a club and most times dance with less presentable chicks first, b4 I worked my way up to the belles of the ball. Hey, it was a way to boost my ego. I figured if the finer chicks rejected my advances then I was still aiight ‘cos I’d had enuff fun by then. Stopped this practice after I got rejected by some oooogggly chick. Man, do u know what it feels like to hear a Whoopi Goldberg lookalike tell u NO? U start thinking to urself, “Did she hear me properly? Or is my breath funky? This girl actually rejected my advances?! Has she looked in a mirror lately? She’d be so lucky that I actually chose to talk to her…” To cut a long story short it took a number of years of therapy – serious herb therapy – to get me going once more.

Sometimes us Odeyemis argue about whom we think has been the worst towards women and truth be told I think it’s Ayo. Tayo (oldest, and now married) was a lothario.

Akin (second oldest) has a short fuse and can’t figure out why some of his ex’s still like him – he once broke it off with a girlfriend over an argument about lastnames, if they got married. Chick wanted a hyphenated lastname and dude told her she might as well stay single if she wanted to hold on to her dad’s name. Lol….and y’all thought TRT was bad, huh?

Tunde (fourth oldest and 5 months younger than Ayo) is the quintessential gentleman. Wink. Wink.

Loye (fifth son) is the diehard romantic. As y’all can probably tell from few blog entries ago he’s at that stage of his life where he’s conflicted about chicks. He probably wants to stay faithful, but since his peers are sipping from the playa pool he feels like he’s gotta join in. Ah, I remember when I was like that. Must say that dude’s got a wry sense of humor though.

Jide (last son) is crazy and, discounting Akin’s affairs, is probably the dude with the longest ongoing relationship amongst us. Maybe we all have a thang to learn from the baby boy of the house. Nah, what does he know?

Okay back to Ayo. Never met another male who loves accumulating girlfriends like this dude. Problem is dude’s such a charmer ALL his ex’s, and their nuclear and extended families, still love him. On his birthday last year his ex-girlfriend’s mom called him, even though chick had gotten married to someone else! Always wondered why dude would wanna meet his girlfriend’s family, and vice-versa, when deep down he knew the relationship was going nowhere. I’d do a research paper on this dude.

Hookup news: My motto in life is, ‘Do unto others as u’d like them to do unto u’. That’s why I hate getting hooked up. Peep this: During my going-away shindig at female mate’s crib another mate (male) walks in and female mate starts drooling like the Victoria Falls. After ribbing her for a few days she finally asks me to give the dude her number. Go Girl Power! I tell her the Spice Girls woulda showed up to tell her how proud they are of her, if they weren’t so busy with their respective shrinks trying to figure out what happened to their careers. Anyways, I do my best Cupid impersonation and don’t hear from either party for a while. Trying to catch some zzzz the other night when I get a call from the chick telling me they went out for a meal and dude expected her to pick up the tab. Hey, welcome to the 21st century girl; ur species clamoured for equal rights and now u got it! Lol….investigated further and discovered they had gone out for a drink the previous night and dude picked up the tab. “Why is it when he suggests we go for a proper meal he expects me to pick up the tab?”, she lamented. Story has a happy ending though. As chick didn’t have funds on her she had to call a knight in shining armour who showed up to save the day. Awwwww, doesn’t that just bring a tear to the eye?

Entertainment news: Saw the new Chris Brown video and man, that boy can dance. Problem is never heard anyone sing with a lisp before he came on the scene. Ha huh ha huh ha. In an earlier video dude’s trying to approach a girl and doing crazy steps beside the chick as she’s walking down the street, kinda like Michael Jackson in The Way U Make Me Feel video….if y’all can remember that far back. Turn the sound off while watching the video and it looks like some insane dude going after a chick, only this time there are no men in white coats dragging him away. Thot about it for a while and some day I’m gonna do that. Yup. Once I see a girl I fancy I’ll walk up to her, spew my best lines and begin dancing like a chimp. The more she tries to walk away the crazier I’ll dance. If it worked for a listless hermaphrodite and a lisping, pre-pubescent crooner then it’s bound to work for me, right? Right?

Foreign news: Al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian born Iraqi terrorist, was killed on Thursday, June 8th 2006. As usual CNN had some so-called experts on explaining what impact his demise has on the war on terror. They’da asked me and I’da told them what the normal Iraqi’s thinking. Of course, this has no effect on the frigging “war on terror”, as u guys have christened this assault on our country. Only reason u guys got that punk ass Jordanian is that he got too sloppy. Remember when u guys said he was a master of disguise? Well, that got to his head. Dude stopped training and grew so fat his colleagues got angry that he was consuming all the food and they told on him. Think I’m lying? Okay, remember earlier this year when he released a video? Weren’t u shocked that dude had to get someone to cock the machine gun before he started shooting? Dude musta thot he was Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy’s character in Coming To America)! So don’t come here proclaiming ur intelligence was responsible for his capture…..

Okay peeps, goota go ‘cos the World Cup kicks off in a few minutes. Go Oranje! Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Stop press. Mounted an okada earlier today when some dude in a car abruptly opened his door. My life flashed before me, I swear. Screw the white-man gene, I am getting a car asap.

PPS
Yeah, forgot to add that Ayo has a tendency for having girlfriends with British or American passports. How does he do it? Even he doesn’t know. “Guess they just attracted to me”, he blurts. Maybe it’s his innate Odeyemi-opposite sex attracting powers. Akin can tell u a girl’s bra size just by looking at her; Tayo (in his single days) was so good he’d go out with sisters, and occasionally throw in a cousin as well, and they’d all fight over him! Moi? I don’t have any powers…..well, maybe if u want to call treating ALL women like queens a power, then I suppose I do have one. Wink. Wink.

PPPS
Another mate another wedding website. I’d hurry up and get a bride ‘cos getting tired of buying shirts for weddings.