Ace Ventura and Dr. Doolittle are punk ass punks

Hola peeps. Deseo a mi mama. DESEO A MI MAMA!!!!! Man, it’s only been a week but my love affair with PH is officially over! Forget myths, here are a few home truths:

1. Power:- Forget what I wrote in past blog entries. The power situation here is abysmal. Maybe if the governor took his hat off once in a while and stopped dedicated cabs to our dead first lady he’da sorted this problem out. Power supply here is like a friggin’ lottery. To make matters worse the generator at mate’s house has packed up so I have not been following the FIFA World Cup. Arrrrggggghhhhh.

2. Women:- Difficult to see women when on the back of a speeding bike, but from what I gather they not much prettier than women u see on the streets of Lagos. Actually, had planned to go out Friday night with Nengi and her bro to properly investigate the myth, but plan had to be put on the backburner ‘cos some Neanderthals, hosting a party, blocked off the main road leading to my crib. Are these peeps insane? In Lagos if stuff like this happened everyone attending such a party would be arrested. Maybe it’s time the folk here adopted this strategy.

3. Cost:- Went grocery shopping on Sunday and the bill nearly caused me to slap the cashier…..twice. Man, this place is friggin’ expensive. Even peeps here are scared to give beggars less than a hundred naira.

4. Crib:- Going apartment hunting during lunch hour ‘cos mate’s coming back a week from now. Well, to be honest it’s more than that. Cockroaches. Damn cockroaches. I woke up the other night to the sound of what I thot was someone typing on a computer keyboard. Who would be typing at 4am, I thought. Discovered noise was being made by a punk ass cockroach. Man, I musta killed more cockroaches here in a week than I have my entire life. Seems insecticide is deodorant to these mutant ‘roaches. The other day I walked into the bathroom and found ‘someone’ had pushed my expensive, soft-textured bog roll into the toilet bowl. I nearly cried. Man, have u tried cleaning fecal matter with wet bog roll? Boo hoo. Maybe the scarcity of power is making me paranoid, but I reckon it’s the ‘roaches that did it. As no one has the keys to my room and the bog roll was left on my bed, who else could have done this?

5. Waste Management:- Saw neighbor taking out the trash on my way to office. Engaged her in conversation and realized she was gonna take an okada to the junction in order to dispose of waste. Yup, that bad. Good thang is I don’t think it’s common practice around here. For crap (pun intended) waste management I hear the place to go to is Abia State……and the governor of that state wants to be President of Nigeria in 2007. As if.

6. Cabs:- Got hooked up with a cab driver to take me to the office in the mornings. As I gotta get to work by 7am told dude to show up at mine by 6.30. Dude disappointed me on very first day and offered no apologies. He later explained he “didn’t feel comfortable waking up that early to pick someone up.” U what? Isn’t that his job?! Just like a doctor saying, “Nah, don’t feel like saving lives today….”

7. Okada:- Maybe I was a li’l too critical of bikes in my last blog entry. I mean what other mode of transport will let u fly past traffic while having the wind blow thru ur flowing locks, (or goatee, in my case)? The rush of adrenaline while almost ramming into the back of a car is ethereal. Y’all should experience it once in ur life. It’s amazing, it’s incredible, it’s….okay truth be told the lisping bike driver with a penchant for being grabbed by the waist showed up at my crib again, but this time he had on just boxer shorts. “Oga, I dey sorry. Hol’ on, hol’ on. Before u call the local guys to beat me up, I just wan apologize for last time. To make up for it I’ll give u free rides to and from the office for a week.” Of course I took up his offer. Man, PH folk are soooooooo nice.

Off to start my swimming lessons. Oh, didn’t I tell y’all? The club proprietor wants us newbies to take swimming lessons and defensive driving classes. U see dude used to be a method actor before his entrepreneurial skills kicked in, so insists we take the aforementioned lessons in order to “feel the part” for the new James Bond revue we got planned. Can’t wait to try on the purple, velvet tuxedo.

Tot ziens and God bless.