I compare to u a kiss from a rose on the hip
Hola peeps. Está lloviendo aquí otra vez. Still in PH and still not loving the city. In all honesty maybe it’s ‘cos my ‘honeymoon’ period with Nengi and Sira is over. The chicks still call, but don’t enquire as to my feeding anymore. Maybe I’d not have ranted on and on – if u know me u know that’s the bane of my life - to them about my love of roast plantain and fish. Boo hoo.
So how y’all been? Planned to go out Friday nite with a mate of some dude I went to Bradford with, but when dude realised where I was staying he suddenly realized he had to work late. Ha. Definitely gonna go out this weekend as mate I’m staying with is back in town this week and, best of all, he’s got a car. Finally. So while y’all in Lagos and elsewhere were out on the town on Friday night ur matey Tunde was indoors watching DVDs. All was going swimmingly until I felt like a midnight snack. Walked into the kitchen and saw the damn roaches; probably the same ones who pushed my bog roll into the bog. I know it’s them ‘cos one of them looked at me, snickered, and turned around so I’d have a front row view of some Beyonce-booty dance he was doing. Needless to say I lost it and chased these punks around the kitchen for the next hour. Ended up killing four of them by the time I was done. Man, I am getting real good at this roach-killing thang. I’d channel this skill into a money-making venture such as a video game or a self-help book. Heard of Brian Tracy’s Eat That Frog? Well, Tunde’s Kill That Roach should be hitting ur bookstores anytime soon.
Let me paint u a picture:
Lady (screaming at top of her lungs): “My baby is trapped in that burning building. Help! Someone help!!!”
Bystander 1: “Who can help her?”
Bystander 2: “What is that? Is it a bird?”
Bystander 1: “No, it’s a plane.”
Bystander 2: “Wait, it’s, it’s, oh no, it’s that crap Cockroachman.”
Cockroachman: “Yes, it’s me, Cockroach, sorry, Roachman. Yes, Roachman. Ur friendly neighbourhood superhero and…….”
Bystander 1: “Booo. Boo. Leave us alone. Go bother someone else.”
Bystander 2: “But whatever. Get ur butt outta here. Someone get Spiderman.”
Lady with kid in peril: “That’s right, get me Spiderman or even a fireman. God don’t like ugly and He won’t make an exception for u, so leave here……”
Yep, roaches are vile creatures, that’s why u never had a radioactive cockroach nibble Peter Parker’s hand. Spiderman, Atom Ant, Secret Squirrel, Danger Mouse, Mighty Mouse, Deputy Dog, Jabber Jaw, Flipper, etc. Cockroachman? Could never happen. What would his powers be, being able to withstand a nuclear holocaust? So? By then he’d be the only person alive and what fun would that be? What have roaches ever done for us humans? Okay, apart from providing inspiration for the song La Cucaracha and helping LL Cool J achieve his new hit Lose Control. What, u didn’t know that? U see I was watching a behind-the-scenes show when I saw the ff.
LL (licking his lips): “Yo bodyguard, this is the first song I am gonna produce and I have singled out J.Lo to sing the hook. Problem is I can’t think of anything to rap about.”
Bodyguard: “Yo Todd, maybe u’d go old school. How did u write I Need Love?”
LL (putting on some lip balm): “Yo u right, dawg. ‘When I am alone in my room/ Sometimes I stare at the wall/ And at the back of my mind I hear my conscience call/ Telling me I need a girl who’s as sweet as a doll/ For the first time in my life I see, I see, arrrrrrggggghhhhh, a roach!!!!!!!’”
Bodyguard (after stamping on the roach): “Damn Todd, didn’t realize u were such a wuss.”
LL (chewing the lip balm): “Screw u man. If u value ur job u’ll shut up about this. I ain’t no wuss, I just hate those damn roaches. So sneaky u hardly hear them coming. I cannot control myself around them. I wish they made the buzz sounds of bees so I know they coming. Even the ze ze ze ze ze ze ze zez zezze sound of mosquitoes would be fine.”
So there u have it. Okay, enuff time spent on roaches…….okay, just one more. Just found out the complete title of Mr. Tracy’s book is Eat That Frog! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time. I was gonna read the book, but other stuff kept coming up. Ha huh ha huh ha. Man, I kill myself.. Anyways, I’ve decided to adopt Mr. Tracy’s style and changed the book title to Kill That Roach! 101 Ways to Kill Cockroaches……literally.. Here’s a snippet:
1. the sole of ur shoe
2. the sole of ur flip flops
3. a broom
4. insecticide
5. the power of positive thinking
6. prayer
7. prayer and fasting
8. prayer and fasting…and when u break ur fast make sure u lay crumbs on the floor to attract cockroaches and then use any of steps 1-3 above
9. hot candle wax; the exhilarating feeling u get when u see them squirm is to die for (well, they being the ones to die)
10. surprise attack: turn off lights in entire house and put on night vision glasses so u can attack them furtively
11. use bubble wrap to plaster walls of crib so when u kill the roaches u enjoy a pop sound; this is also known as the Rice Krispies method
12. capture roaches and export them to America so desperate youth can munch on them during a task on Fear Factor.
If u order ur copies now I’ll include a fab shot of my new, improved six pack.
Went apartment hunting yesterday with an estate agent Nengi hooked me up with. Either estate agents are real broke or the norm here is for one to pay the agent’s way around. Got to his place and expected him to take me around in his ride. Nope, this dude jumped on a bike and had to follow him around on another bike. Worst of all had to pay for his transportation as well. Estate agents should be used-car salesmen or politicians ‘cos they’ll try to convince u about anything. We went to an apartment that would be too small for a dwarf on his knees and the bog bowl was installed right next to the shower with no partition; the kitchen’s right next to the toilet as well. Yet this dude tried to convince me that it’d be perfect for me. Indeed. More house hunting this weekend so should be pretty eventful. I’ll keep y’all informed.
More house-hunting news: Mate just told me about a place close to the club that’s up for lease. I hope it’s not a bad place as the proximity to the club would help avoid riding on okadas for a while, especially the dude whose aversion to clothing borders on the Pavlovian. Man, if I get the place it’d be the first time I have a place of mine own. Woah, I’m getting responsible, huh?
Hey, I’ve actually discovered stuff that’s dirt cheap in PH: passport pics! For y’all aspiring models and photographers out there this is the town for y’all. It costs just 300 bucks for 16 passport pics, while place I go to in Lagos costs four times as much. Found out about cheap pics ‘cos club’s HR folk require more passport pics than folk at NYSC. Anyways, took some passport pics in Lagos and they were so fab I requested the negatives. Ever looked at urself in the mirror and u look so nice u wanna kiss urself? Well, the pics are like that. Dunno if the sun shone at a marvellous angle that day, but the pics turned out great. Not since my ‘cute’ pre-teen years have I taken such photogenic pics. Man, so chuffed I’m making multiple copies of the pics and handing them out to complete strangers. Seriously, unless I get a bad scar or something that’s gonna be my ‘current’ passport pic until I die. On my obituary my family had better publish that pic!
Man, y’all would never guess what happened last week? U see this chick who I met few months ago……ooops, just remembered she reads my blog so can’t tell y’all the score. Damn. Maybe I’d start a separate blog of more intimate stuff that’s been ensconced in the deeper recesses of my mind for a while now. Hmmm………..maybe not.
Wedding news: One of my bro Akin’s fav ex-girlfriend’s got married recently and sent me the wedding pics. Woulda included the link here but website requires a password to access it, and I can’t share that with y’all…..for free. So if any of y’all swears to babysit for my brood when I’m married y’all can gain access to the site. Ha. The chick looked real pretty though. Yep, another of Akin’s ex’s bites the dust. The way the dude’s going I doubt if he has any ex’s left that haven’t taken the plunge. We tease him at home that with women he’s like the Lagos Lottery: E fit be u o.
More wedding news: Remember one of my earliest blog entries when I told y’all about the chick with the denim fetish? Well, she got hitched 2 Saturdays ago. No word yet on the choice of denim fabric the wedding gown was made out of. Ha. Man, I kill myself. Anyways, as it turns out Akin’s current ‘girlfriend’ snagged the bouquet thrown by the bride. I’ll be sure to rib him about it when I get to Lagos at month end.
Yet more wedding news: Ex-girlfriend (of first 10-month relationship) sent me pics taken at the wedding of a mutual friend. Surprisingly, most pics are not of the bride and groom, but of her. That’s right…going….who’ll gimme a 10 on vanity…….thank u sir, a 20 perhaps? C’mon someone gimme a 20 on vanity……. Lol. She’d gained a li’l weight since last time I saw her in 2001, but guess that’s expected since she’s now married. U know how she see pics of my ex’s and wonder what u ever saw in them? Well, that’s not the case with this chick. Most I can remember about her is her voice; a sorta Jennifer Tilly-Melanie Griffith combo, only nicer. Memories, ah memories.
Work news: Started pre-defensive driving lessons and commence the proper ones next month. Cannot wait. Gonna try out the newly acquired skills in Lagos to avoid those LASTMA folk.
Most guys I work with are married and quite good to hear stories from them so I don’t make mistakes they did. Dunno if they pretending, but most of the guys seem content at marriage. Guess that’s not such a bad thang. Best thang about these guys is they haven’t tried to hook the bachelors up with anyone; though they keep hinting that there are loadsa single, desperate-to-be married chicks that work in the club. It’s so bad that if u look at one the wrong way she’s telling her folks about u and planning entries for the wedding website.
Girl: I could tell from the way he looked at me that this was the man I’d marry. With the way he winked at me there was no mistaking love in his eyes.
Guy: I forgot my glasses at home the first day I met her, and ‘cos I’m cross-eyed I thot I was waving to another colleague. Next thing I know she walks over and asks if I am serious about asking her out. U what?! Anyways, I decided it couldn’t hurt to have a meal with her so gave her my number. She took me over to her’s for dinner and that’s the last thing I remember about that day. The next day I woke up in a garage, chained to the wall, a la the movie SAW. In order to get released I was forced to sign an ITW (Intent to Wed) form. If u reading this, please help me. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!
More work news: No news yet on when we’ll do some actual dancing in front of paying customers. Been told it’s ‘cos we need to get our act down pat as we gonna be performing for female clients in a secret location soon. Secret? Whatever. All I know is I hope the secret location’s so hot I am forced to perform shirtless ‘cos been working out like crazy and need to show off my abs. Always fantasized about performing in a pair of lowrider jeans (so my butt crack’s showing) and body-popping to Lee Aaron’s I Just Wanna Make Love To You, while handing out cans of Diet Coke to female clients. Who says breakdancing can’t be sexy?
Family news: Since I’ve been here I’ve hardly spoken to family, but chat online with Loye now and then. Man, it’s been less than a month and already forgetting my loved ones in Lagos. Oh PH….sob, sob…..u had me from
Hookup news: Aloooo o, alo. I’ll tell y’all two stories and give u the moral of the stories afterwards. Cool? Good.
Story 1: Guy’s digging this chick so goes to check her up at her apartment. Chick humors dude for a few minutes and says she just wants to step out for a minute. Dude stays for over an hour when he suddenly realizes he’s been used as a glorified security guard so he abandons the apartment. After a few days of non-contact the chick visits the dude’s apartment, apologizes for what she did and soon afterwards she becomes his girlfriend.
Story 2: Guy talks to some chick, on a platonic trip, about twice a week. Conversations stop when dude finds out that chick’s been dissing him that, among other stuff, his voice drops lower when he’s on the phone.
Moral of the story: Guys deal with new relationships based on experiences gained from previous encounters with women (mothers, sisters, girlfriends). Guy in stories 1 and 2 is urs truly, and both experiences have helped, as much as the TRT incidents, in shaping the way I deal with women. It mightn’t be fair, but that’s the way life is. After the incident in story 1 I decided there ain’t a woman fine enuff who’d do that to me again. That probably helped in shaping my three-calls-and-u-out (i.e. if I call u 3ice and don’t get a positive response or u don’t call back then I’m deleting ur number) approach to chicks I am interested in. Regarding story 2, in my defence I must say it ain’t my fault my voice drops an octave lower when I’m on the phone with women. It’s, er, er, a skin condition.
So what do these stories have to do with anything? Well, y’all remember the tale of two mates who went for dinner and dude requested the girl pay? Good. Here’s a follow-up: Dude involved called me up to ask if the chick had told me anything. Told dude he officially emasculated himself in the chick’s eyes when he offered not to pay for dinner. Dude explained that he’d told the chick beforehand that she’d be paying and that the chick musta thot he was joking. To cut a long story short, dude’s really feeling the chick, but now chick doesn’t wanna give him a chance. Guess it doesn’t help the dude’s cause that this chick’s surrogate older sister (SOS) thinks the guy’s a loser. Thang is dude probably has had similar experiences when chicks paid for dinner and so thot it’d not be a problem this time. So all y’all women out there maybe it’s time y’all realized men don’t know everything and some hints might not go amiss. Oh well, he’ll learn from this.
Off to go do some voice-training lessons. Tot ziens and God bless.
PS
Yeah, dude that’s been owing me bucks forever called the other day and asked for my account details. Let’s hope he wasn’t just teasing me ‘cos the dude sounded quite inebriated when he called at 1am. If the dude was really yanking my chain I’ll be sure to add a special chapter to Kill That Roach: The Special Edition, in which I advise peeps on best way to dispose of debtors without going to jail.
Step 1: Buy the DVD box-set of CSI and watch it like ur life depends on it, ‘cos it actually does.
Step 2: Get a Matlock-like attorney, just in case Step 1 fails
1 Comments:
I dont know which I like better...your witty humour or your bald head!
This is one blog that i will always read for laughs!
Good stuff, ole boy!
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