He confessed that it was love at first sight (of the results of the blood test)

Hola peeps. Conduje toda la noche para conseguirle.

Yo Parminder is scarred y’all. Remember past blog when I suggested asking folk pertinent questions b4 giving them a ride? Well, I’da asked this dude if he had extra human strength ‘cos he broke the door handle as he tried to open door on passenger side. That’ll teach me to help someone out the next time it rains.

It’s all good though I was thinking of trading her in anyways. Yes, Parminder we have had a good run but like all relationships someone’s gotta end it when the other party is no longer attractive. It’s not you babes, it’s me. Erm, erm I need to get myself sorted…erm, I don’t deserve u….not to worry u can tell ur friends u were the one who did the dumping.

While we on the subject of relationships Neo dumped me ended our relationship. It’s none of y’all bizness why but might as well tell all. Apparently ur fave blogger is missing a sensitive gene. Where’s Ralph Tresvant when u need him? She reckons I was taking her for granted by not showing much interest in her family. I tried to convince her otherwise but she had her mind made up.

Exhibit A: She knows the names of most of my nieces and nephews. Y’all know I ain’t too good with names, and more a ‘faces’ person.

Exhibit B: On my dad’s birthday she took his number and called him. On her dad’s birthday I told her to wish him the best on my behalf. Hey, I don’t do too good with parents.

Exhibit C: She travels to the UK, asks for my siblings’ numbers and gives them a call. I travelled to the UK…..It’s just that, well, I don’t do too good with siblings I’ve not met b4. At least she’d met my siblings before hand. It’da felt weird calling her sister and brother ‘cos I know they’da wanted me to visit and…..I’da called her siblings, shouldn’t I? Damn.

The above cataclysmic points were the major reasons she left me, or so she said. I pleaded, I grovelled, man, if I’d write a poem I would have. Normally I’d harped on about my positive attributes, but I could tell there was no changing her mind. I’da told her I didn’t know this family thang was so important to her; I’da stressed the fact that though names aren’t my thang I’d do better; I’da told her I may occasionally forget names but I remember exactly what she wore the first time we hung out, what she wore the first time we went to a wedding together, the way she styled her hair, what she smelled like….man, I’da called her siblings!

Oh well, time to blog on other stuff and hope it takes my mind off this here pain in my heart.

Politics: Nada like politicians to make the blood boil. First, let’s deal with the dictator du jour Robert Gabriel Mugabe. When u think he can’t get any worse he goes even lower. What the beep? At some point one has to wonder where his supporters get off. Killing, maiming, raping in order to keep ur fellow countrymen subservient? Cases like this make one wanna ask God to clarify His word about praying for rulers and those in authority. Someone please explain to me if it’s hypocritical to pray for God to touch our leaders’ hearts while criticizing what they do. I mean just ‘cos He says we’d pray for our leaders don’t mean we’d hush up when they act like buffoons, does it?

The world’s talking about Mugabe stealing the election so much I just wish the press would stop following each other’s lead like sheep and find another angle. Just like the US presidential race where I am so tired of non-statements getting amplified ‘cos there’s nada else on. I just want it to end. To help the global press get off their lazy butts I’m gonna suggest an angle to the Zimbabwe story that hasn’t been covered. Peep this: off all the foreign consulates in Zimbabwe why did Tsvangarai chill at the Dutch embassy? Is it close to his house? Does he, ahem, ‘relax’ best there? Is he dating a Dutch diplomat? Now those are the kind of stories I’d pursue if I had my own news station.

On a local tip the chief tyrant of Oyo state, Lamidi Adedibu, dies and instead of politicians singing the Yoruba version of Ding dong the witch is dead they weep and mourn and eulogize the dude. Forgive me here but wasn’t this the same dude that ruined the once great city of Ibadan? Same dude who publicly declared the ruling governor had to give him a share of the state booty? Same dude whose thugs terrorised innocent folk? Same dude in whose house was found ballot boxes yet Yar’Adua’s rule of law couldn’t touch him? I could go on and on. Yet our so-called rulers cannot speak the truth?! Shame on them all. Punk ass punks.

Maybe there’s a rule among politicians that with death comes a laundering of one’s reputation ‘cos how else can u explain the Adedibu nonsense and three shameless former heads of state declaring Abacha never stole a dime while in office. What ever next, Mugabe being hailed as a champion of human rights after he passes away? If that’s the way it goes then Hitler must have the worst rep ever. Maybe his descendants – hey, ever wondered why u never hear of Hitler’s family? That’s another angle I am giving the press. Yes, I am that altruistic – could hire a PR firm to help out.

In other news Angola has overtaken Nigeria as the Africa’s leading exporter of crude oil. Great news as far as I am concerned, maybe this will get Yar’Adua off his zzzzz ass and act, or at least show signs of life. The guy’s like one of them toys with a string that stops talking after the string is unwound. My name is Umaru Musa Yar’Adua. I must recite 7-point agenda, must recite 7-point agenda, must recite…no, no, not much fun anymore. Must change name….Hi, my name is Chucky and I’ll be ur friend to the end. Wanna play?

While we on the new news angle tip I was watching stories about Mandela turning 90 and there was an interview with his wife of 10 years who said she married him when she was 52 and he 80. I am sure it was love, but how do u say no to someone like Mandela when he asks u to marry him? Even if he wanted u to be his personal slave ur parents would give u the go ahead. It’s analogous to Steadman dumping Oprah. Never gonna happen.

Entertainment news: I see R. Kelly’s come up with a song to celebrate his Hair braider. This once again confirms Dave Chappelle’s belief that Mr. Kelly can write a song about anything. Let’s see if it was me would I write about my cab driver, my okada driver, my boli and fish seller, or maybe my penthouse maid? What woulda been real interesting if he had been jailed and released a CD afterwards? Songs lyrics like I wish I’d fly (over this jail fence); NOW I see everything wrong with a li’l bump and grind; My male hair braider in prison; etc woulda netted him a whole new fan base. If wishes were horses, eh?

In other news Vernon Troy (aka Mini Me) of Austin Powers fame is suing over a sex tape that got aired on the web. This one’s wayyyy too easy….

Warri news: Remember how I told y’all that being on new R.I.G. ruined my doddling pattern? Well, returned to same R.I.G. and bowel movements were back in sync. I hate to go on about doodling but there ain’t nada like it. Just left there – not to worry I washed my hands afterwards – and wondered how ace it would be if I had a sensor on my toilet bowl that would raise the lid automatically whenever it sensed my presence. Wouldn’t that just be ace? Saw some story about toilets in Japan that heat up toilet bowl and provide scents to hide offensive odours. My goodness, those Japanese guys think of everything, don’t they? That’s it, the next girl that gets me one of those as a gift is gonna be Neo’s replacement. Man, why can’t I get her name outta my head?

Strange but true news: A close female friend came to visit and we got talking about the US presidential election and she confessed that she believes Barack Obama’s candidature could signal the end of the world. I kid u not. Hear her:

A black man with a serious chance to be leader of the free world? I just don’t buy it. Yes, call me brainwashed, call me whatever, but that dude might just be the anti-Christ. No kidding. I know I am gonna make the rapture when Christ comes, but just in case I miss it I want the anti-Christ’s agents to work real to find me. Why do u think I ain’t on Facebook like the rest of y’all? Even my email addresses don’t carry my real name.

The last time I heard stuff that strange was from my best mate Mohammed about the AIDS epidemic. Dude still believes ‘til today that the HIV virus was concocted in a lab. Hmmm, unlike the weird Obama anti-Christ like this sounds more believable. Think about it: malaria is caused by mosquitoes, u could get food poisoning if food isn’t cooked properly, some STDs u initially get by seating on unclean toilet. Those I get; how did the HIV virus come about? U know what would be another interesting news angle, instead of talking about the AIDS crisis reporters should investigate who the first AIDS patient was. While we on that Nigerian reporters could dig even further and find out who the first corrupt policeman was, who the first lying ass politician was, we could go on and on. If that was shown on TV I betcha Neo would wanna watch it….ooops, there I go again.

PH news: Been a while since I had visited Casa de Tunde in PH so when I got off the R.I.G. on Thursday decided to head out there. As Parminder ain’t in the best of health I travelled by public transportation and shoulda known something was off when the bus had to be jump started. Trust folk in the bus to complain: So with all the money wey una dey make una no fit buy battery? I just dey pray make this bus quench for road make u see who go help u push am? Typical Nigerians, opening mouths but ain’t saying nada. The passengers knew if push came to shove they’d have to, ahem, push - Geddit? Geddit? Aw, forget yous - the vehicle to start.

That wasn’t even the highlight of the trip. That honour goes to an argument between some old guy and a big boned chick – who looked big enough to bully me in primary school - that was seated behind him. Girl kept threatening him to “sit well, don’t relax as I can’t relax as well….if u don’t obey I’ll move u”. Driver was forced to park the car and old dude explained his problem. “U see the girl is erm, healthy so she’s complaining that way I sit is affecting her. It’s not as if I didn’t pay the correct fare…” The issue was resolved when a skinny dude swapped seats with The Lady of Rage.

Got to PH and was greeted by insane traffic. Nada’s changed, eh? In Warri they busy putting up street lights everywhere, in PH infrastructure’s still derelict. I don’t know, man. At least the night life’s still kicking. Went out with married mate and other peeps and suspect married mate’s chuffed anytime I show up ‘cos he uses that as an excuse to step out on the town. My suspicions were confirmed when other PH peeps showed up and greetings ranged from “Who give this guy exeat? I sure say u jump fence” to “William Wallace abi na Kunte Kinte make we call u?”

Was a good night out but fear everyone’s leaving me behind. Peep this: Attended a course in 2006 with married mate, but then he was still single. In fact there were 9 of us single guys on that course. Now six of them – seven if u include married – are either married or engaged to be married. Now only other single dude in the crew has been spotted with the same chick for four outings in a row. This is same dude who used to come with a different woman each time we hang out. Gulp.

Was scared I might be the last single guy in the club until one of the so-called engaged guys came to nightspot with someone that didn’t look anything like his fiancée. Later William Wallace informed me that, erm, erm, well let’s just say if Tuface Idibia sang about dude’s ex-fiancee it’d involve lyrics such as I can’t believe she’s NOT a virgin/Lots of guys have been up to her and there was LOADSA compromising… Enough said.

While in PH neighbour had invited me to a music festival, and thank goodness Spidey Hookup sense was on full alert ‘cos declined and discovered later she has a friend she KNOWS would be ace for moi. Laffed and told her about Neo. Of course then I didn’t know that Neo would u know….sob sob. Anyways if I did I probably woulda declined still.

Peeps, I can’t do this anymore. Let’s agree not to refer to u know who ever again? Deal. I am off to go listen to some sad love songs by the likes of Babyface, Brian McKnight, Ne-Yo……man!

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
More new news angles: To y’all Nigerian readers, ever seen two lunatics fighting? Could it be they got a union or franchise like Crispy Crème that u can’t have more than one in an area? I need to know these things……okay, I need to get a life.