I generate my own electricity, fix the road to my crib, and pay a security guard; I Am Legend Government.
Hola peeps. Merecí esa rotura.
How y’all been? Gotta apologize for my absence. U see ur fav blogger’s been real busy lately….busy relaxing that is. ha huh ha huh ha. Yup, I took a well deserved break to Obama country and now back in my penthouse in Warri all fresh and ready to entertain my clientele in my inimitable way…..okay, I lie. I am far from ready for the rigours of flexing ab muscles and all that. Guess that’ll teach me to return from vacation a day b4 work commences.
It’s currently raining here, perfect for zzzzzzzzzing. In fact I found myself napping while taking a dump – as if y’all didn’t wanna know that – and realized I am still in vacation mode. Took a shower afterwards and as I tried to practice some new steps in front of the mirror, while drying myself off, it dawned on me that only longstanding clientele would pay to see me now. Yes y’all, the owner of the world’s (used to be) greatest six-pack now has love handles that would make a Victorian tea pot jealous. Hey, I thot y’all knew I ain’t disciplined when it comes to holidays. I hardly have time for exercise ‘cos so busy, ahem, relaxing. On normal days I do about 80 pushups in the morning b4 heading out to perform. During my 3 week holiday think I did pushups only twice, and that was under duress. Not to worry though, gonna start my intense exercise regimen from tomorrow. Was gonna start today but it was raining and only time I’d run in the rain if say there’s a TV camera documenting my every move for a behind-the-scenes movie, TUNDE’s ABS: 8th Wonder Of The World.
I tried to be dedicated to y’all, honest I did. Tried blogging on the flight from UK to the USA but laptop battery died on me, and when I got to the States I couldn’t find – okay didn’t search for – an adaptor, and….hey, I was on vacation, give a bro a break! Just to prove I ain’t lying, here’s what I typed b4 battery took a dive like McClellan’s loyalty to Bush (I have taken the liberty to underline the sentences):
Blog title: Give (phone) credit to whom credit is due
Hola peeps. Amo a mi familia, pero éste es demasiado.
Currently on a plane to the ATL and it sucks, it bloody sucks. On this 9 hour trip they have showed The Bucket List and now 27 Dresses is on. What the crap!!!! I am crazy about movies, but not those. Didn’t even bother to strap on the headphones. To top it off I am crazy hungry and man oh man does their food stink. Next time I’m flying to the ATL I am either skipping DELTA or upgrading from coach. The air stewardesses are so old I swear I saw the one in First Class using a Zimmer Frame. And guess what? While returning from the loo I saw one of them quaffing down a tub of ice cream, while we passengers are starving. I am so famished I am forced to watch their crap movies to take my mind off my stomach rumblings. Do u know they still have those central TVs in the aisles where folk gotta strain their necks to watch what’s on? Man, if I gotta glance at Katherine Heigl’s gums one more time as she attempts to smile I’ll sue them for whiplash. Four hours and twenty three minutes and counting before I get off this joke of an airline…..
Can’t wait to arrive in the ATL though. Been way too long since I’ve seen Miguel and the rest of the crew, though most of the crew is married now. Yup, just Miguel left, still playing hard to get. Agbaya like him. Been over three years but I bet he’s still as punkish as ever. Dude had better have some asaro waiting when I get in - ‘cos that’s the only thang he was good at cooking – else he ain’t getting the cookies he ordered from the UK. Also looking forward to seeing my gorgeous coulda-in-law – she knows her guilty self.
Plan on visiting DC as well during this trip. Florida was gonna be on the cards but that’s gonna have to wait ‘til next time. Visiting the US is becoming too much of a hassle. First, the queues to get a visa, and it’s the only country I know where one’s advised not to padlock on luggage ‘cos “the security guys might wanna check for suspicious items”. Whatever happened to the X-ray machines utilized at other airports? I know it’s all about being security conscious but I don’t buy it. Last time I visited the ATL not only was my suitcase ruined in their attempt to ‘secure the borders’, but my fancy new pocket square was nicked. And how do I know this? ‘Cos it was still in its fancy pack when I placed it in suitcase and locked it up. I got my luggage after screening and it’s gone. Let’s just hope nada gets pilfered this time else, else, else….to be honest I can’t do nada, can I? Maybe I’d start planning less trips to the US until Obama becomes president. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.
Ain’t that just like a black man to think all of America’s ills would be resolved once Barack installs a basketball court in the White House? Reminds me of….(hold on, the air stewardesses are attempting to flog Duty Free items. Like I’d buy anything off this crap airline….)
Oh yeah, where was I? So got this mate whose brother is a lawyer in the US and….….(hold on, another film is being shown. It’s...lemme strain my neck a bit…it looks crap already. Wait, Lincoln’s just been assassinated and…oh no, it’s a Nicholas Cage movie. Why oh why do I deserve to be tortured so? Hey, they serving ice cream! Yippee.)
So, like I was typing b4 I was rudely interrupted by Copolla’s nephew, a mate’s brother is a lawyer in the US who met Barack b4 he became a Presidential nominee and took a pic with him. Now my mate reckons his brother might be scheduled for a political appointment (‘cos he’s black and once took a pic with Senator Obama?) I kid u not. Reminds me of time mate Mohammed saw a long lost friend at the old US Consulate in Lagos. When he asked chick what she was cradling in her arms she showed him a framed photograph she had taken at a party with the then US ambassador to Nigeria. So Missy, u actually think we gonna grant u a visa to enter the United States of America based on a photograph u took with Walter Carrington? Bi%&h, u must be smoking that stuff u put in ur hair. Get outta here b4 I nick that photo frame.
Family news: Spent a week in the UK where I got to see brothers Loye and Jide since they moved over from Naija for their Masters. Have sure missed them. Must say was greatly impressed with how they’ve looked after the house. When Ayo was there all there was in the freezer was sausages and chips. This time these guys had cooked and everything.
Highlight of my stay was chilling with my 4-year old nephew Zane; dude’s so funny. Hanging with that dude made me kinda, I said KINDA, realize why parents ‘bore’ us with mundane stuff their kids get up to. So if u are like me and can’t stand when parents mouth off about their kids’ ‘accomplishments’ u might wanna skip the ff bullet points.
• While discussing with in-law about a mutual friend called Michelle, Zane overheard and asked if we were talking about Obama’s wife. Apparently, dude believes he’s gonna be taller than his parents and uncles and wants to be “even taller than Obama.”
• Notice dude also has some of my mannerisms like how my pinky finger inadvertently goes up when drinking from a mug. Maybe it’s ‘cos we were both born with six fingers.
• While playing with phone dude asked that I take a picture of him ‘cos “I have a great smile”. Man, dude’s just as vain as his maternal grandmother.
Hmmm, now looking over the points above maybe I was a bit too hasty in bugging y’all with my observations. Whatever, it’s my blog so there.
Oh man, hate this flight. My trip from Nigeria to the UK was better. Saw my choice of movies, and some incredible acting such as Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood. Now contrast that with the rancid 88 Minutes I saw b4 I left Naija. Crap, crap, crap. Seems Al Pacino’s forgotten how to act. Maybe he’d take a note from DeNiro’s books (and Nicole Kidman as well)by starring in a billion movies a year to better hone his craft.
Uh oh, laptop battery’s dying, what am I gonna do with my time now? Don’t die yet laptop, don’t go. Laptop? Laptop? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Now y’all believe me? Good.
I’d be asleep but watching CNN as Obama’s basically clinched the Democratic presidential nomination. Currently reading Obama’s Audacity Of Hope and getting to appreciate some of the ‘grey’ areas in politics, not everything can fit into a sound bite. Now superdelegates are falling over themselves to endorse Obama, and worse of all, CNN’s best political team on television are tripping over their mics to convince us of the importance of the first black Presidential nominee by a major party in the US. It’s remarkable that Obama’s clinching the nomination exactly 200 years after slave trade ended….But wait, this is 24 years to the date that Walter Mondale put a woman on the presidential ticket and….No, even more significant is that Obama was born on the same day that… Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was born on the same day as Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, and so I work in an industry where I mostly walk around in my underwear, and so I’ve taken a toke off the herb once or twice, and so I rail against the establishment, but that don’t mean squat; it’s just plain coincidence, u don’t see me with a saxophone hanging from across my neck, do u?
Best thang about this night for me, apart from foxy Campbell Brown’s smile, is that CNN gets to retire their stupid election interactive board, at least until November. Oh wait, James Carville’s speaking now…hee hee, oh man, this feels so good.
Sorry where was I? Oh yeah, that waste of technology they call a board. Reminds me of grad school where a professor’s grant can only furnish him with a particular equipment, say an NMR machine, so ALL his experiments have to be designed around that apparatus. Same with CNN; they got this space age board and now they feel they gotta do everything with it.
Obama has just 6 delegates left to clinch the nomination, see what I am writing on the board, the number 6? Wait, news reaching us is that he now has 5. Lemme erase that and…u know what it’s almost like the song about green bottles on a wall. How’s about I draw 5 green bottles to represent the delegates he has left, and as soon as he gets each one we show the bottles crashing off this super board?
Woosah…woosah. So back to my holiday. Reckon it’s best I split the rest of my tale into the UK and USA sections.
UK goings-on: I gotta ask, when did folk change spelling of HOLIDAY to S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G? I pack only a traveling bag from Lagos and family asking if I ain’t gonna buy anything? Erm, it’s a holiday duh. Then I leave London for the US with a tiny suitcase and family wondering if I ain’t going shopping, what with the falling dollar and all. U what? Oh yeah, this vacation was real enlightening ‘cos think I have finally overcome my ‘overpacking’ issues. Yup, trick is to pack suitcase that’s just small enough to store the bare necessities. If u then discover there’s still space throw in trash like newspapers and stuff so family/friends/fellow Nigerians wouldn’t have an excuse to offer u “this little thing” to transport.
U know how when u get to the airport and they ask if u packed ur luggage urself and if anyone gave u anything to carry on their behalf? I reckon 99.9% of Nigerians lie when asked the latter. I reckon the authorities should place lie detectors at airports and select Nigerians randomly for questioning on the subject just mentioned. They’d then threaten that anyone discovered to have lied would be banned from traveling for a year. Trust me, that’d reduce excess luggage on flights to and from Nigeria. Oh yeah, while they at it the foreign authorities should also issue every Nigerian entering their country a weighing scale that should be returned on their departure. That way they won’t have any excuses for wasting everyone’s time by chucking stuff outta suitcase at airport in order to fit the airline’s luggage allowance. Okay, I’ll get off my high horse now.
Yeah, did I tell u almost all the clan was in the UK? When I booked vacation plan was to chill at the house with only Loye and Jide for company. After I copped the plane tix I discovered both stepmoms, Seyi and her family, Kinzo and his family, Kemi and Mama would also visit the UK about the same time. Talk about being unoriginal. If I wanted to spend holidays with rest of family I’da stayed in Lagos, innit? However, it wasn’t so bad, and reminded me of summer holidays back in uni when house was abuzz with everyone’s friends. Good times those were.
So what did I get up to in the UK? Let’s just say the relaxing part of my holidays happened in the US. In the UK one’s gotta see this family, see this friend, do this, do that. There ain’t no time for oneself. In the US on the other hand, peeps gotta drive everywhere so u don’t just bump into folk, and when they wonder why u didn’t come visit u’d always use the ‘no ride’ excuse. Perfect.
‘Cos of London stress couldn’t meet up with namesake – we share same first name and last name - who was 5 years ahead of me in secondary school. Day we were supposed to meet up was when I went to see Kinzo’s new baby boy in the hospital.
Yup, still cannot believe Kinzo’s a father; he’s the most unserious person I know.
How did I know namesake now resides in the UK? His sis got in touch with me via Facebook – at last something positive from FB. She informed me her bro who’s about 40 years old ain’t married yet. And there I was thinking my marriage phobia had something to do with the water in Bradford – ALL tight friends from Bradford days still ain’t hitched - now I realize my noncommittal stance could be due to a combination of my first and last names. Bugger.
Did manage to squeeze in some time with one of mates from Bradford though. While catching up on old times she indicated that a mutual female friend had come outta the closet. Woah, I remember sharing a kiss with same chick once or twice at uni, and got no inclination as to her, ahem, tendencies. Oh my.
Another highlight from London trip was looking after other nephew Nitor. Dude never went to bed early so when Seyi’s nodding off I’d cradle him in my buff arms and try to rock him to sleep. Never worked, dude would carry his head off. So one night while munching on chicken wings I offered to help out again and noticed he stopped crying when I stuffed a wing in his mouth. Call it teething, call it whatever, all I know is this genius blogger may have come up with an idea for a game show: Guess Baby’s Race. Y’all don’t get it? Hint: only black babies would hush when u use a chicken wing or pork products as a pacifier! With white babies u’d try celery laced with mayo. With mixed race kids, erm, erm, heck if I know.
Back to Kinzo, was ace seeing him acting all responsible and….oh yeah, forget Kinzo for now , I gotta ask y’all women out there at what point during a pregnancy y’all stop giving a hoot. Seems once women give birth they have no issues plopping out their boobs anytime, anywhere to feed their li’l ones. While Kinzo’s wife was feeding her kid I took a pic and later realized her side boob was captured. Threatened to put it on FB and she didn’t bat an eye. Pssttt, guys, got a chick u always fancied who’s now married? Go visit her after she just dropped one and u can see her assets in all its glory. U think that’s sick? Suit urself, urs truly is planning his next vacation based on when Angelina Jolie decides to pop out her next set of kids. She’d better not go the adoption route again or else……
US goings-on: Highlight of my trip? Relaxing. Daily regimen consisted of eating, watching TV (Law and Order reruns), sleeping, eating, watching TV (ATH and PTI on ESPN), eating, watching TV (CNN – chuffed to discover The Situation Room runs for 3 hours here), sleeping, ad infinitum. That was the life. Sure I got outta the house now and then, but it didn’t last long, I was like Dracula in sunlight.
Lowlight of trip? All the commercials, damn commercials on TV. I had forgotten about those. How many prescription drugs do these Americans need for goodness sake?
I know what y’all are thinking: what about the credit crunch? It’s only visible in how slow peeps drive on the highway. So gas is $4 a gallon? Whoop dee doo. It’s $9 a gallon in Europe but they ain’t complaining as much ‘cos their public transport is the ish.
Spent most of time in the ATL and 2 nights in Maryland. Gotta thank my fav bingo – she knows who she is – for showing me the sights and catering to my every whim. Babes, if u reading this I gotta confess I still dream of bread from that eatery. Yum yum. Also went to an outlet mall on Memorial Day weekend – shopping for Loye and Jide – and u’d not know there was a recession. Oh yeah, soldiers died for us but get a load of the price tag on this designer outfit! I am glad they died so I can shop. U’d see how happy people were. I reckon there would be no wars if PRIMARK opened stores everywhere. Maybe beauty pageant contestants had it right after all, u know about wanting world peace and all. Maybe we’d appoint them as our new diplomats. U sure u wanna build that nuclear weapon when u’d use the funds on Gucci autumn sales? I think not….
So arrived ATL airport on crap DELTA airways and Miguel wasn’t waiting with a bowl of asaro. Didn’t blow my top ‘cos was too tired after the crap flight, and the length of time it took to ‘escape’ from Hartfield International. Peep this:
After laptop died had to watch rest of National Treasure 2 while counting the minutes ‘til we arrived. Arrived Hartfield Int’l airport and it took over 2 hours after plane landed to leave the airport. I know there’s a need to be security conscious but this is overkill. So I get off plane and go thru immigration after queuing for li’l over 15 minutes. The usual questions, “what u doing here….how long u here for…..u really got a six-pack?” were offered and I headed for baggage claim. Picked up suitcase then queued for about 20 minutes to hand in that blue immigration form. When I got to the desk a lady asked for my passport then wrote a big ‘P’ (and circled it) on the blue form. Was then instructed to go to some other section, away from where ‘normal’ folk were headed.
Got there, handed passport and documents to another immigration officer and was told to take a seat. Looked around and there were eleven other peeps, mostly Asian.
Oh I get it, they see Nigerian passport and automatically think I’m bringing food into the country. Lol…I mean that’s gotta explain why no whites are here, right?
Spend about twenty five minutes there b4 I get taken to a room upstairs. There, my documents are put in a tray and I’m told to take a seat (again). Thank goodness I copped some magazines before I left Heathrow this morning. So I am reading some Newsweek article on how the credit crunch ain’t affecting the super rich as they now requesting new services that distinguish them from mere mortals like y’all – I still love y’all cheapskates though. Among things listed ($1m phones, etc) I am most impressed by bespoke perfumes. Ever walked into a smoke-filled air-conditioned room? I have loved that smell since I was a kid. Now that’d be the sorta cologne I’d have made.
Got tired of reading and decided to look across the room. Again, no white folk present; just blacks and Latinos, mostly Latinos. I still didn’t have a clue what I was doing there. I look around and notice the only other black guy is smiling to himself. Dude then belches, laughs out loud, and repeats this for next five minutes, all the while looking at me.
Uh oh. I knew I’da watched that bootleg Season 3 of Prison Break. Okay, try and act hard. This is obviously a mistake but what if they think I am someone else and end up throwing me in a cell for the night? I’m too gorgeous to go to prison….
Thoughts of karate-kicking the dude were erased by other goings-on in the room: some dude was told he’d have to go back to his country ‘cos his school don’t resume ‘til August; immigration officers were stumped as to what to do about two old Latinas seated next to me. Turns out they twin sisters bearing same name. “Their mother musta been real unoriginal to call her twin daughters by the same first name”, said one of the officers. It took another half an hour for my name to get called. Was handed my docs and told to go back downstairs for processing.
Get back to where I was initially held up and the Asians have been joined by a Latina (whose cleavage makes Janet Jackson look like a nun) and some Latino who for the life of him cannot understand why he gets pulled aside by immigration every time he travels. “No way u can tell me this is random. Maybe I’d stop traveling and stay at home. This is bull&*^%.” Amen, brother, amen. Hand my docs to an officer and was asked why the dudes upstairs didn’t process me. U what? Now I was getting close to losing it. “Y’all kept me for almost an hour and still dunno what’s going on?! C’mon.” It took a lady officer to calm me down. Who says flattery, especially comments about my six-pack (was wearing a tight fitting t-shirt), won’t get u anywhere in Tunde’s books?
Lady takes me back upstairs and while there they discover it’s been one huge mistake. She apologizes, smiles - u’da seen her dark gums - and hands me passport and rest of documents. Phew! Okay time to leave this place and…..oh no, another queue. First, crazy queues at the US Consulate in Lagos and now queues to get outta airport.
Had to drop off luggage (again), queue (again) for another 25 minutes, go through a metal detector, walk a bit, then take a train to claim luggage (again). U know what, it’s too much stress to visit the US on holiday. Think it would take a while b4 I return here, whether or not Obama’s running the country.
So there. That was gist of my trip and loved it to bits. Woah, this blog is loooong, innit? Sorry peeps, it’s called a holiday, duh. Tot ziens and God bless.
PS
Just realized there was another blog I forgot to finish. Promise not to make it as long as this one.
PPS
Wait, y’all thought I’d sign off without giving u the lowdown on Miguel? Tsk tsk tsk.
Got to the ATL and discovered:
All mates married, except Miguel
All mates having kids, except Miguel
All mates putting on weight, except Miguel
Oh yeah, dude’s going bald as well. Yup, a perfect holiday.
Miguel’s fav channel on cable? One that highlights goings-on in ATL, especially information for singles. Was I right or was I right when I told y’all dude’s pic should appear next to the word DESPERATE in the dictionary?
One night woke up to find dude chatting on a Singles Forum on one laptop while registering for a Singles night on another. Why couldn’t he use one computer for both? In my groggy state I told him he had lost his calling in life, he’da been a DJ ‘cos the way he moves from one laptop to the next is reminiscent of a DJ spinning records. Dude was so pissed at this ‘truth’ he flung a spoon at me and I now have a scar on hitherto perfect forehead like Harry Potter.
(Speaking of Harry, any of y’all read the final book? Haven’t read any of the books but wanna know if dude died at the end or what? I know Miss Rowling swore y’all to secrecy when the book was released but it’s been over a year now. Someone, help me out…..I promise to type one-page blogs from now on.)
Miguel, sticks and
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