All my mates are also going bald. Yippee.

Hola peeps. Es hora de conseguir serio.

Just got outta the loo and it’s the third time I’ve been today. Dunno what it is but fear my tummy complaints from Enugu might be making a comeback. Yup, was at Enugu a month ago on the firm’s new “outsourcing” program and lodged at Enugu’s best hotel. Everything but the food was kosher (Geddit? Geddit? Aww, forget yous). I’da known something was up when the waiters kept pushing me towards the fish. Try the fish, sir. It really is quite good. Now here’s where my paranoia about being on my very own Truman Show comes to the fore again. Of the eighteen of us – we were performing for a delegation of governors’ wives and their friends – that stayed at the hotel only yours truly developed runs. It was so bad I beat my personal record by mounting the white throne nine (9!) times in a 24 hour time span.

Normally I drink loadsa water and let the runs take their course ‘cos I don’t like drugs. This time, however, ‘cos I was having such a, ahem, shitty day I sought out the hotel medical personnel and took six giant white tablets. Man, still have nightmares of those drugs. I kid u not, they were the size of ice hockey pucks. Oh the pain, the pain.

‘Cos of my condition I didn’t join the last performance and good thang too ‘cos heard those ladies were more tactile than an amorous octopus seated beside Roger Clemens at The Hired Hand. Instead, spent the day rushing from bed to the loo, and watching TV, mostly CNN. Maybe it was the dehydration but saw those tourism commercials in a new light after that day.

Let’s consider our options for most pointless commercials, shall we?

1. Croatia: We are shown the usual sweeping shots of vast landscape and interviews with the residents, harping on about how Croatia has hardly changed over the years, with some buildings going back centuries.
So it’s my fault y’all don’t wanna modernize, huh? If I want an Amish vacation I’ll stop by.

2. Egypt: A voiceover informs us that Egypt offers us her most precious resource, and it is……wait for it…..the SUN.
The friggin’ sun? I have the sun in Nigeria. The sun shines everywhere in the world! On some good days it even shines outta my derriere so why would I leave my country to experience the sun?

3. Malaysia: By now we all have the whole ‘Malaysia, truly Asia’ song stuck in our head.
Think they can improve on tourism numbers by accentuating the good looking women they have – if those back at Bradford are anything to go by. It’s not fickle, trust me. I saw a Miss Universe as a 6-year old kid and have wanted to visit Guam every since.

4. South Africa: A vineyard (Voiceover: no, not Italy). A fashion show (Voiceover: no, not Paris or Milan). A car assembly plant (Voiceover: no, not Japan). A billionaire’s playground with yachts and other accoutrements (Voiceover: and if u think this is Monaco, u are mistaking. South Africa! The land of ….).
Now, this advert I liked; though felt they missed out on a few scenes. They shoulda shown a dude getting car jacked with the requisite voiceover, ‘and if u think this is South Central, Los Angeles….’ or folk getting torched by a mob with a voiceover, ‘and if u think this is Kenya or Sudan…’

Must say none of those commercials hold a flame to the vexatious Nigeria one where OBJ, in his inimitable style, welcomes all to “Nigeria, the heartbeat of Africa”. Someone please pass me the sick bag.

Maybe I’d start my own ad agency by putting out plain honest stuff like folk in that old Dudley Moore movie. Until then I m stuck with colleagues who’ve taken to calling me Sh%t man - no, not ‘cos of the runs. Peep this: A day b4 the loo dashes we were entertained to a field trip on coal deposits at Enugu. While navigating through the forest I pushed a branch outta the way and some insect sunk its teeth – hey, what are insect teeth called? Mandibles? - into my palm. Tried blowing it off but it wouldn’t dislodge. Waved my hands about, and still nada. From nowhere I developed Tourette’s. Sh%t man, damn it. Damn, what’s up with this insect? Shi%t man, damn… Anyways, after dislodging it I found it had drawn blood and that led to more outbursts. When I was done I discovered the excursion party had stopped, and were watching me with stunned expressions. How was I to know I was cussing out loud?

Any thoughts I had about this sobriquet dying down in a few days were dashed ‘cos club bosses heard about it and wanna include that in my act. Apparently they got the idea from a management consultant who advised them to think “outside the circumference of the pole”. My new act’s gonna involve me dressed as a sewage worker and….nah, it’s way too embarrassing to continue this. What sorta clients would be interested in this anyways, mysophilics?! Nah, the body that houses the ultimate washboard abs is not gonna go for this. No way, sirreee.

Not gonna bother fighting the name though as I learnt long ago that nicknames one ain’t too crazy about have a way of sticking. When I first attended boarding school I’d get in multiple fights daily ‘cos folk called me BOO. I didn’t care, tall, short, big, I’d fight – and often get beat – but I’d never back down whenever anyone called me that. A li’l history lesson: U see as my mom’s only son I was once the apple of her eye and she went all out to protect me. So first time I’m off to boarding school she hears numerous stories about newbies’ clothes getting nicked so she gets the tailor to boldly inscribe my initials on all school uniforms. As if that wasn’t enough she used nail polish – it was red, I remember – to inscribe same three letter words on everything from tin of milk to cutlery. As expected peeps who didn’t know my name called me BOO. The name stuck through out my 6-year stay there, and former classmates still refer to me as BOO. I doubt if some recall my name. There u have it readers…..now promise never to mention this again.

So how y’all been? Got up to anything exciting? Well, y’all already know what I got up to on my vacation. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that on flight back to Nigeria there was a deportee seated 4 seats behind. Dude was surrounded by four UK immigration personnel and he wouldn’t hush. Egba mi o, they are killing me o. See them, see them, they are pressing my head. I did nothing wrong…..that’s the problem with u Nigerians, they are killing ur fellow country man and u do nothing. Ask them, ask them what I did wrong. I am married to an Euro so I should not be deported…….egba mi o….see the handcuffs it’s cutting me o, it’s cutting me. See blood o. In case anything happens to me, let me read their names out to you….erm, erm, Cliff Hug, erm, ki lon pe, erm, Cliff se Hug-hes (sic) ni? Yes, Rebecca Fox…awon oloshi…won le ku re….help o..help!!!

And the plane hadn’t taken off yet. Trust Nigerians, most folk opened their mouths but weren’t saying anything. This is despicable. That’s how a Nigerian was treated on British Airways last month. I can’t fly like this o. I blame our leaders ‘cos if the country was good no one would be fighting not to return. Virgin Atlantic would have to refund my money….

Kept thinking to myself, “When they gonna hand me the headphones? See what I get for flying coach? I wanna see the whole world, but not like this.” Though the immigration guys assured us dude would quiet down when we take off and he knows there’s no way to avid Nigeria, dude kept harping on and on. About 2 hours into the flight I decided to see if I’d have a word with the guy. Nope, apparently the famous Tunde charm don’t work on guys who are keen on not returning to Naija. Oh yeah, dude’s wrists weren’t bleeding after all.

More holiday news I forgot to share last time: Black people, what’s wrong with us? I mean u gotta respect America as a land that gives peeps a second chance, but surely not like this. Yes, I am referring to Flavor Flav’s Flavor Of Love. Only seen snippets of the show but one can’t help but ask if that’s how desperate we are for reality TV. Who comes up with such ideas anyways? I heard Being Bobby Brown was just as bad.

I’da known Flav’s whole black consciousness thang was a fad back in the day. I remember watching an interview with Flav on Yo! MTV Raps where Fab 5 Freddy asked if he gives back to his community. Yo, yo, yo. I am glad u asked that question homie. U see Flav ain’t like them other brothas who make some dough and forget his people. I give back, boing. Recently, I established a barbing salon in my old neighbourhood. Could imagine F5F thinking, “A barbing salon, ni&%a? Yup, that’s what brothas in the hood really need.” Almost like when a black comedian was quizzed about his love for strip bars. Hey, most of the girls there say they stripping to pay their way through college, right? Well, u can regard my visits as my way of donating to the United Negro College Fund.

Hear Flav’s got his own sitcom as well. Good on him. Did enjoy the Comedy Central roast of Flavor Flav though. Man, Snoop Dogg is really funny. Even if someone had written his lines he blurted them out with perfect timing. Funniest line of the night was directed at Carrot Top by….I forget who now. Commenting on Carrot Top’s new effeminate look, he said: “Carrot Top, u’d sue ur plastic surgeon. Never met a surgeon who adds a chromosome during facial reconstruction.” That killed me.

In last blog forgot to mention that the credit crunch’s hitting the airline industry big time. On trip to DC discovered DELTA now allows one piece of luggage. Got on the plane and they announced that we’d be getting a drink and a pack of peanuts, and encouraged us to feel free to bring along own meals next time we fly. I kid u not. That’s it, next time I fly I’ll make sure to get a middle seat so I can see the look on the air stewards’ faces when I whoop out my bowl of eba and okro soup.

If u think DELTA’s bad good ol’ American Airlines are so broke instead of looking for novel ways to attract customers they’re mulling charging for all pieces of luggage. Now if they are a no-frills airline I’d understand, but this is just ridiculous. What next, charge folk to use the loo? Hmmm….I reckon they’d lobby to fly to Nigeria and promise to charge folk cheaper if they choose seats retrofitted from the loo. They could advertise them as ‘deportation’ seats.

Relationship news: I got a surprise call yesterday, y’all. It was from the girlfriend-that-never-was.

For some reason I’ve never fancied any of ex-girlfriends’ close friends ‘cos girlfriends have always tended to be finest in their crew. Why settle for Solange when u can have Beyonce, right? However, there was this once, back at uni. Dated this girl who had the finest collection of friends ever. To cut a long story short, we broke up, and I sorta hooked up with one of her close friends. We knew we could never be ‘official’ ‘cos ex would be hurt and…anyways, I call her girlfriend-that-never-was ‘cos we were kinda in a relationship but without the labels. Oh yeah, she also had an ‘official’ boyfriend at the time. Was crazy hurt when GTNW and I ended things. Didn’t help that I was feeling Brian McKnight’s Back At One CD then. Played 6,8,12 over and over again after we, ahem, broke up. Honestly, I thought Brian wrote that song based on my experience.

So the chick called – we still keep in touch, call each other about twice a year, u know on birthdays and stuff like that – and was surprised ‘cos it wasn’t my birthday or nada. After exchanging pleasantries the ff ensued:

McKnight chick: So u still wanna get married?
Moi: Lol…why, u got an Indian chick for me?
McKnight chick: No, silly. I mean me.
(Stunned silence)
McKnight chick: Why, is it ‘cos I have three kids?
Moi (after recovering from shock): Erm, well it ain’t that. U know marriage’s supposed to be for life and….
McKnight chick: I love my kids and all, but I won’t lie I kinda wish we had ended up together…
Moi: Hey, I think of it too sometimes. I miss u bad sometimes it hurts. Guess it’s just the card we been dealt. U married now and maybe u having issues with ur husband but that too will pass…
McKnight chick: I don’t know, man.
Moi: It’ll be fine. Guess it’s only in the movies that peeps live happily ever after, huh? Everything’s all black and white in movie land, while in reality there are so many shades of grey.
McKnight chick: I guess. Can’t help but wonder though. Maybe if….oh, gotta go, my husband’s coming. Bye.
Moi: Aiight.

As I dropped the phone and slid the Brian McKnight CD into the laptop I couldn’t help singing along It’s been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours 9 years, 7 months, 15 days since u went away… Also couldn’t help feeling for her poor husband. This dude would probably never know how his wife feels about their marriage. And they say couples should share everything. I don’t think so.

Is that the way life is? In Hollywoodland I would write her letters everyday or maybe hold a boom box outside her window shooting out Brian McKnight’s greatest hits ‘til we sorted things out. In reality she would end up marrying another guy and I would jump in and out of relationships, genuinely move on, but still feel something for her.

It’s never plain black and white, that’s why relationships need work. That’s why it pisses me off no end when parents make bone-headed arguments for their kids to reject a loved one. Met up with a mate in the States who was celebrating his kid’s second birthday. Dude was sad ‘cos his dad hadn’t bother to enquire about the kid since he was born. Why? Dude married a girl his dad didn’t fancy. No, that’s letting the dad off easy. His dad had always suggested he marry from his local government area, so though his wife is a fellow Nigerian (from the same state) his parents shunned their wedding and have disowned the dude. If it ain’t race, it’s religion, tribe, hair colour, or some other natty excuse. When’s this gonna end? The future president of the United States of America is biracial, yet punk ass punks like that guy’s parents would let go of their bigotry. Arrgggghhhhh.

Makes u wonder what this marriage thang is all about – maybe that should be the tag line for the Alfie sequel…not to worry it’ll come to u…..EVENTUALLY – and if it’s worth all the hoopla (Lol…y’all can tell this is just another Tunde excuse to bounce ideas off y’all to see the most likely Chief would buy into). Is it just a massive build up of excitement that peaks with the wedding ceremony? Of course not, but that don’t stop women from foaming at the mouth when recalling how they got proposed to. (Almost as bad as peeps that regale u with what their kids get up to - see last blog entry). Oh, he’s so romantic he got someone to read out his proposal over the supermarket loudspeakers while he and his girlfriend were shopping…….My friend’s boyfriend flew her and her closest friends to Bermuda to propose to her….. The kicker happened during my vacation when a mate from ATL announced that a mutual friend proposed to his girlfriend of 8 years by taking an ad out in ESSENCE magazine. How’s one supposed to compete with that? I console myself with the fact that he didn’t get married to chick ‘til 2 years after the ESSENCE ad, maybe dude had spent all his funds on the ad. Babe, u gotta pick one: it’s either the engagement ring or a wedding proposal that will have ur friends talking for years.

For all the hype about proposals and wedding websites, among my married mates some still cheat, some still not “100% sure” about marriage, some act out issues in public – was at a bbq when a dude dunked on his wife during a basketball game. Either dude’s uber-competitive or his wife really pissed him off earlier that day – while others say it’s bliss and wish they’d gotten hitched sooner. So where does that leave ur fav blogger? Erm, erm, ain’t this wonderful weather we having?

Politics news: Nigeria: Yar’Adua and his peeps spent over a year in government and still nada concrete to show for it. I know we gotta give him time, but a year’s gone by and no unambiguous plans in place. If after 4 years no former political office holder is tried for the numerous cases EFCC have stacked against them then we can send Yar’Adua to Germany so he could be nearer his doctors.

Zimbabwe: There’s only so much one can blame the West for. It’s sad that….nah, too painful to think of it. If this were a Hollywood movie we’d blame Mugabe’s descent into madness on his falling into a vat of acid.

US: Clinton’s concession speech was impressive. No matter what she does most folk would still think it’s a calculated effort, but hey, she had to do something.
For all of Fox News’ rhetoric I still believe Scott McClellan’s book would come back to hunt the GOP. Bushies ain’t denying central premise of the book, just calling him disloyal, sad, and other unprintable epithets. I reckon they really pissed at him ‘cos what else they gonna write in their tell-all books when ‘Beam Me Away (until the election season is done)’ Scottie has said all?

Now that Obama’s clinched the nomination I still think the media is missing out on a story. (No, not Ralph Nader. Lol…who’d be Mr. Nader? Only news report he’s gotten was day, and day after, he declared, his intention to run for president. Talk about being sidelined.)
Here’s a hint: he’s resigned from his church! If he’s anything like me he’d visit a number of churches ‘til he feels it’s where God has led him to. Can u imagine when a pastor asks folk who are attending the church for the first time to stand up, and Obama rises to his feet? Lol…come on, I am sure I ain’t the only person who’s thought about it.

While in Lagos I saw an Obama car sticker (‘Vote Obama 2008 to change the world’) and an Obama Voters Society poster outside someone’s home in Ikeja. It says something for the power of multimedia (or are we just frustrated with the lack of intellectual discourse in our polities?) that Nigerians care more about Obama than their leaders. I would appreciate any ideas on how we can get our people more involved in caring about politics. Was thinking of a website that introduces folks to their representatives to Abuja, u know with their voting records, etc. Any attempt to make the democratic process more transparent might be the fillip required.

Entertainment news: Need to design a brand like Sex And The City. Golf And The City, anyone? Women around the world flocked to see it on its opening day. Mate in DC had to wait ‘til the 1am showing to catch it. Now that’s a loyal fan base.

Oh man, blog getting as long as last one. Okay I’ll stop after next section.

Warri news: It’s raining cats, dogs, emus, the whole works. And good thang cable went out – yup, one of the non-perks of staying here – ‘cos I might still be watching TV…and would have to dump an even longer blog on y’all.

Caught Hard Candy on TV the other night. Great story, great acting! Also saw Celebrity Rap Superstars. Oh man, MTV needs help. TV wasn’t meant to be this crap.

So what else did I get up to this weekend? Started working out and six-pack’s coming back baby!!!!

Munched on a cake left in the fridge and discovered a dead fly on top. Did I throw away rest of the batch? Um, as much as it kills me to admit I may have consumed an insect my sweet tooth prevented me from wasting the rest of it. C’mon, there’s a global food crisis going on.

I must confess, I am hedging ‘cos I am embarrassed at what happened on Friday. I am gonna type this real fast and then log off this computer. Peep this: So mates and I go to a bar that's next door to a nite club to chill 'til past midnight (when the club opens). Eventually secure a table and 15 minutes later some chick stands beside me and ff ensued.

Chick: That's my seat. Was here b4 I stepped out.
Moi: Oh. Sorry. Just wait, we'll be outta here in 10 minutes.
Chick: Haba. I'm gonna stand for 10 minutes?
Moi: Lol...okay my friend over here can lap u.
Chick: No, I want u to lap me.
Moi: Lol....sorry, my knees hurt.

Then, some dude on the next table gets up for her. Who says chivalry is dead? The guys there were obviously feeling her 'cos they offered her a plate of pepper soup (they ordered a small pot) and two bottles of Smirnoff Ice.

Don’t tell me this is what I gotta go thru for the duration of my stay in Warri. Arrrggghhh.

Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Think I got perfect tag line for Nigeria: Nigeria, where due to our thieving leaders power supply is almost non existent. Yup, every day is almost like Earth Day! I reckon the eco-tourists would flood in.