Get behind me cheesecake!

Hola peeps. Llovió hoy, pero sigue siendo realmente caliente en mi apartamento. ¿Por qué? No power. Not that bothered though. Why? ‘Cos I’m off to the land of constant power and hot showers.Yup, heading back to the R.I.G. tomorrow. It’s been almost 2 months since I left that setting and I have grown to miss it.

I know what y’all are thinking, “He’s probably missed the food”, and I must say y’all are partly right. Partly? Yup. Haven’t copped a cooker yet, but I’ve learnt to use the microwave to create all sortsa fascinating culinary delights. In fact thinking of having a cooking segment on my TV show – more on that later – where I allow my inner Martha Stewart to blossom. I’ll provide an easy to follow guide on transforming the plain, ol’ microwave into a veritable dispenser of mouth-watering dishes such as Cassa und nutella (i.e. garri and heated groundnuts) and Flaked milch (aka cereal in warm milk) that make the taste buds tingle with delight.

When I’m not brandishing the microwave manual I’ve been fed to my heart’s content at mate’s crib ‘cos dude’s girlfriend has been visiting every weekend now and chances are he’s getting ‘formally’ introduced to the girl’s family b4 the year runs out. I know dude’s ready for marriage ‘cos, er, he says so(?) Lately, all dude’s been talking about is how ready for marriage he is.

I go use the bathroom in his room and get, “Dude, u know u can’t just walk into my room unannounced any more ‘cos very soon I’m not gonna be the only one living here.”
I see an empty egg crate in his car and he tells me, “U know very soon I’m gonna be shopping for two so I’m getting myself prepared.”
Dude sees me hanging clothes on those plastic portable dryer thingies and asks, “How much did that dryer cost u? U know I might need to get one to hang babies clothes on.”
Dude and I see this cute kid running along and he asks me, “Did u get the name of the school on that kid’s uniform? U know one can never be early enough in getting good schools for kids…..”

I tell u it’s driving me crazy, I mean dude’s not even engaged to the chick yet. The other day I spot the rep of some fancy new high school in PH handing out brochures so I pick one up and furnish mate with it as a joke. Dude got the joke and cracked up, but later, with tears in his eyes, he thanked me for the gesture. Huh? “This shows that with all the jokes and all on the exterior u really discern what concerns folks. Thank u, thank u. My wife-to-be and I thank u…..” I was gobsmacked.

Never met anyone that was this into marriage. Even Kinzo who’s finally found The One doesn’t act like that, but then again I think Kinzo doesn’t let on how he really feels. Lol….which guy does? Come to think about it in December 1996 both Ayo and I discovered our girlfriends were cheating and I can’t remember either of us letting on to how we really felt….okay, except once when Ayo snapped at Nike for dissing his girlfriend. Couldn’t blame him, I mighta done the same.

Anyways during last trip to Lagos just to see if Kinzo was the same Kinzo Jide, bro-in-law and I – Loye was with his stunning girlfriend - prodded Kinzo with new stories of infidelity we had heard:

1. Close mate of mine who was a ‘man about town’ before getting hitched admits he hasn’t cheated on his wife since they got married, but is adamant he’s gonna do so soon ‘cos some chick he had a crush on back in primary school(!) recently got in touch and doesn’t have any qualms about being a mistress;
2. Problems family friend’s having trusting women after he discovered wife in bed with a ‘mate’. Dude now treats women like a gangsta rapper. Lol…who can blame him? His mates considered an intervention, but decided against it as “that’s the stuff women do”;
3. Friend of a friend in the UK also discovered his wife was cheating, and even worse, lost his house to her. Now dude makes a conscious effort to attend weddings so he can get slaughtered and rant and rave about “unhappiness ever after”.

Man, u’da seen Kinzo. Dude was as animated as ever and didn’t show any signs of doubts about his choice to get hitched. Good on him, I wish him all the best. Though feel he’s gonna be one of those grooms who end up bawling on their wedding day. Dunno why, just have a feeling about these thangs. Ha.

Asked Kinzo how his ‘girls’ took his decision and he said the only one that isn’t cool with it found out from a third party. Spoke to one of the chick’s friends last week and when I told her about Kinzo’s impending nuptials and she said, “Woah, Miss C know Kinzo’s getting married? Man, she’ll be crushed ‘cos she has a soft spot for him.” And I replied, “If it’s any consolation she ain’t the only one.”

Sorry gotta digress here for a bit. That response to Miss C’s friend was cold, huh? I didn’t intend to I just said the first witty remark that came to my head. In the past week the ff has spewed outta my mouth:

a. Out for lunch with mates when some chick joined us. While walking to the car afterwards she remarked, “I dunno why my upper leg seems to be itching after that meal.” I responded, “Maybe it’s awoof (i.e. gratis meal)”.
b. Neighbour (dude who had accused me of u know what with his chick) parked his ride behind Parminder so banged on his door as needed to get to the club on time. While searching in vain for his car keys he shouted out to chick in his room, “Have u seen my key? Check my shirt pocket.” And I muttered cheekily, “Nah, forget that, check ur bra.”

Contrast that with my recently-married mate who said she woke up one morning just bawling her eyes out for some reason she couldn’t tell anyone about. Her husband saw her in that state and said, “Honey, I don’t know what u going thru but when u ready to talk about it just know that I’ll be here.” Awwwwww. U see that’s the kinda stuff I need to learn to say! If this marriage thang will make me more sensitive (and less jokey) about emotions then I’m all for it. If I found myself in a similar situation now I’d probably say, “Babes/Munchkin/Bingo/(insert fav term of endearment), I KNOW precisely what u are going thru. U crying ‘cos u miss seeing my world famous six-pack, huh?” Yes, I know I can be a retard sometimes.

Okay, back from digression. Yeah, I put myself in Kinzo’s shoes and wondered what it’d be like if I had to tell one of my gal pals with a thang for me I was getting married. Yeah, this coming from a guy who’d rather wait for ex’s to get into new relationships b4 commencing on one himself so he’d feel less guilty. Lol…..yeah, that was the ol’ Tunde. New Tunde still cares about ex’s feelings, but would still go ahead with a new relationship if he felt comfortable with the new girl. Anyways, when the time comes that I have to do the Kinzo thang I’ve already got plans down to a tee. First, I’d psych myself up with songs such as Boyz II Men’s End of the road, Chris Brown’s Say Goodbye, Donnell Jones’ Where I Wanna Be, Ralph Tresvant’s Do What I Gotta Do, The Manhattans’ Let’s just kiss and say goodbye, etc. Then, after insuring my property and writing a will I’ll arrange to meet all the interested parties at the same time, same venue, same day. That way if anyone gets angry I’d admonish them, “Why are u angry? The girl beside u is better looking than u and is still composed. What’s ur problem?” Man, I kill myself.

There’s an ex who relates all her life experiences in movie terms and another who goes about on a world tour of idle conversation b4 getting to her point. Now those would be the most interesting to have the Kinzo talk with. I can imagine telling the former I’m getting married and her saying she’s okay with it. Then, on the eve of my wedding she’d show up with a basketball asking us to play one-on-one (a la Love & Basketball). Then I’d have to let her down easy by stating the obvious: “Babes, I hate to tell u this, but neither of us play basketball.”

Okay I know I’d not be facetious with such a sensitive matter as heartache and I apologize if any of y’all reading this is going thru something of that nature. Guess I chose to take a humorous look at heartache ‘cos I called a mate of mine in the ATL last night and unexpectedly she confessed one of her regrets was not embarking on a relationship with me – she’s 6 years older than moi and always teased me about our age difference – and she finally realized how strong her feelings were when I called her last year and told her about the girl I was seeing. Woah, how does one respond to that? I mean no jokes suffice. I felt awful ‘cos there was nada I’d do to ease her pain. Old Tunde woulda make promises about getting together in the future, but new Tunde knows that could never happen and instead tried to make her feel better by saying something meaningful about life’s experiences and the like.

After the conversation I’d not for the life of me get why chicks act the way they do sometimes. There’s playing hard to get and there’s just being ridiculous. That’s why I don’t believe in the concept of The One ‘cos under different circumstances a person u’d never imagine going on a date with could be the person u’d wanna spend the rest of ur life with. Okay, such drastic mind change is usually accompanied by copious quantities of alcohol, but u catch my drift, right? C’mon, if there’s really The One how come folk in relationships always have so much in common yet after they break up they realise what they had in common was nada to scream about in the first place. Oh, he was born on October 15th and my grandfather’s best friend’s PA was born on October 15th; He has a third nipple, and I always wanted a third nipple; etc. Lol….guess that’s what happens, u wanna make stuff work. Thinking about it, I’ve been out with a number of chicks by sheer chance, i.e. if another chick had played her cards right I might have gone out with them instead. I remember one when I initially fancied her mate but since I hung out with ex more I decided to give it a go. Hence, why the whole concept of The One - (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) - still stumps me.

On a serious note the chick in the ATL was what I thot I was looking for at that time in my life and who knows maybe if she’d taken a chance Chief would be concentrating all his efforts on Ayo instead of moi to get hitched. Life, eh?

Lagos news: Yeah, while in Lagos I attended a mate’s book reading and discovered another mate’s written a book as well. ‘Cos of the literary groupies – u’da seen my mate’s book reading, the girls were practically throwing their page markers at him - I’ve decided to explore the concept of writing a book as well. When I get off my lazy, albeit cute, butt and do the, er, book concept exploring thingy I’ll let y’all know. In the meantime I’ve come up with an idea to create a buzz for myself and the yet to be written or thought of yet-to-be-released book. Plan to sneak into all prominent bookshops in Lagos and paste my name on all, yes ALL, the book covers with links to a website that updates daily with pixels of my six-pack. Kinda like a jigsaw puzzle. Y’all wanna help out? I promise y’all a share of the profits when I sell the movie rights to the book.

Speaking of movies did y’all watch The Oscars? Man, that sucked bad…real bad. Ouch. Ellen Degeneres was a worse host than David Letterman. Bring back Billy Crystal or Chris Rock. What made it worse was I watched it with neighbour who was like Sista Soldier. When Eddie Murphy didn’t win for Best Supporting Actor she hollered and hollered about racism in Hollywood and how “they throw us (black people) a bone every now and then to keep us happy.” Peter O’Toole, Martin Scorcese and Al Pacino look black to u lady? Can’t blame her though, not when Eddie complained about there being no good roles for black folk in Hollywood. Yeah, it might be true but didn’t hear Eddie complaining when he was churning out hit movie after hit movie in the 80s and 90s.

Man, the show reeeeeaaalllllyyyy sucked, I can’t believe I’m not getting those 3 hours of my life back. Even the ultimate fox Helen Mirren had a speech that wasn’t memorable. Almost like she knew she’d win. Saw The Queen in Lagos and must say I dunno what she did that deserved the Oscar. Guess the other Best Actress nominees musta been awful in their movies.

U know how those Oscar hopefuls say, “it’s just enuff to be nominated?” How I wish a presenter would call out someone else’s name as a winner and half way into their “oh I so don’t deserve this” acceptance speech the presenter interrupts them and confesses, “Sorry, I made a mistake, u are right about not deserving the award. The actual winner is….”. Now that would be memorable.

Even more still don’t get why successful actors/directors, etc have to read out those lame lines/jokes written out for them on the teleprompter. U are famous and crazy wealthy u don’t need to pander to ur colleagues with some crap joke.

Last random thought about the Oscars: Tom Cruise definitely had a brain fart when he dumped Nicole Kidman. Man, that woman’s stunning. She’d wear a paper bag and still be stunning. She’s the only woman I’d leave Angelina for.

On another note, I met with the programme coordinator for a new indigenous cable station about getting my TV show concept out on the airwaves. Still waiting to hear from him, but promise to keep y’all informed…….if u play nice.

PH news: Y’all remember that Ashawo don get belle song I told y’all I heard in PH? Well, now I know the name of the ashawo in question. Another song - this is turning into Nigeria’s version of R.Kelly’s Trapped in Da Closet series - heard last week goes, Caro Caro, make u leave ashawo. Ashawo no good o…. Lol…I wonder what will happen in next instalment of the Ashawo series? Caro contracting AIDS perhaps?

Speaking of which, saw a music video on terrestrial TV by some middle-aged lady singing, AIDS, I don’t want u/ AIDS u are looking for my trouble/ AIDS, if u keep this up I’ll be forced to give u karate (sic)…. and so on and so forth. After watching that video a number of questions arose: Who in goodness name signed this lady to a record contract? How much would one pay folk to star in such a video? I think the problem’s not with the singer, it’s with the folk in the video with her. At what point do they say, “U know what? I don’t care how much u paying me but I can’t do this anymore. This song swallows big time….”

Y’all seen the new naira notes? Cool, huh? That said I don’t get why folk in PH are so crazy about getting the new notes, it ain’t like the old ones are no longer legal tender. Peep this: Mate of mine who works in a bank said the day her bank began issuing out the new notes folk queued for hours and some without much in their accounts wrote out cheques for meagre sums just to get to handle the new notes. If that ain’t bad enuff she said she took an okada ride that would normally cost 100 naira, but paid dude only 20 ‘cos she brandished the new 20 naira bill. Yup, this finally explains why we elect punk ass leaders.

Finally got off my lazy cute butt and attended a church in PH. However, didn’t get up when they made the perfunctory call for new visitors. Why? ‘Cos, well, not sure if that’ll be my permanent church in PH so it’d be weird filling their visitor’s form and getting a call from them. Had an experience in the ATL where folk almost assumed that visiting their church meant I was ready to be a member. Lol…started avoiding their calls after a while.
Besides when the folk in PH made the call for visitors, what popped into my head was, “Hmmm, first time visitors to churches usually get some refreshment after service. Wouldn’t be a lovely grift if some dude spent every Sunday visiting different churches just so he’d not have to cook Sunday lunch?” Now y’all see why I need help?

When I got home I thanked the Lord for His understanding and being patient with me especially as I recalled the stupid explanations I gave for spending my Sunday mornings in PH waxing Parminder.

God: Tunde my son, so why aren’t u in church today? I remember u said u’d go to church after u got ur ride in PH. So now ur ride’s here, what’s ur excuse?
Tunde: Er, er, well, You know I don’t know any churches in PH and besides….

(Then the neighbours upstairs started fellowship…)

God: Yes my son, u were saying?
Tunde: Er, er, well, You know I don’t really know the folk upstairs and….
God: Oh I see. U don’t know them well enuff to go fellowship with them – as if they’d drive u away – but when dude recently got married u knew them well enuff to partake of their food….

Later that day while driving shiny Parminder I saw folk queuing up for petrol and thought, “Hmmm, Lord, now that would be a great idea: a mobile church, i.e. preaching to folk in petrol queues….” Lol…again I thank God for His patience. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Ms. May, pretty and thoughtful as well. Only one who took my presidential campaign serious enuff. So whatever position u want when I am president - Ambassador to Macon, perhaps? - it’s urs. Shall post answers to ur questions in next blog.

To the rest of y’all, I’m taking this presidential campaign stuff so serious my advisers and I – okay there’s just me and the local vulcaniser for now – have come up with a tentative catchphrase. Vote Tunde, ur candidate with experience at the poles/polls (pick one)… wink wink