Will u marry me?

Hola peeps. No sea asustado por favor por el título. So how y’all been? Moi? On the R.I.G. and things are the same ol’ same ol’…..if that’s possible.

Was on the phone with female mate last week when discovered we had a mutual friend.

Tunde: Oh u know Mr. RU? Dude and we grew up together and last I heard he’s now in Spain.
Mate: Yeah. I saw him last week in Lagos. He’s so nice. How come all the nice guys are gay?
Tunde: Lol….dude’s always been effete so guess it’s a common misconception that he’s gay.
Mate: No, he is. Dude comes to Naija every other month to be with his boyfriend, who’s my closest male friend.
Tunde: U what? Nah, he’s just effete.
Mate: Lol…..look u swimming in that great Egyptian river. They just celebrated their 2nd year anniversary.
Tunde: Nooooooooooooo

It’s been 5 days since that conversation and I still have my doubts. Now it’ll be foolish to think there are no gay Naija guys, but think it must be a black thang to hope, nah wish, it’s not stuff that happens with close mates, family, etc. Almost like that scene in the BBC comedy series Goodness Gracious Me where the Asian dude shows up with his gay lover to his parents’ crib and gives subtle hints about his ‘status’.

Son: Dad, Fred and I share a bed.
Dad: Yeah, back in the army I shared a bed with other members of the infantry as well. It builds camaraderie…
Son: But, we are in a committed relationship and…..
Dad: Yeah, I remember when I joined the Boys Scout as well…..
Son: No, I meant Fred and I are gay!
Dad (*with a shocked look on his face*): Er, er, yeah ur mom and I are gay as well. Happy as can be after 20 years of marriage.
Son: NO, DAD. I mean we are homosexuals.
Dad: Oh, I’m hard at hearing. Did u say homosapiens?

Lol…..that’d be typical response from a Naija family. Remember as teenagers playing video games in neighbour’s living room, when his mom walks in from kitchen, sees cigarette butts scattered everywhere – dude was an avid smoker - and still asks, “Do u guys smell cigarette smoke?” Lol…..D-E-N-I-A-L baby. Maybe gay mate’s parents are going thru the same process where they hoping dude’ll change his mind or wondering what they could do to change his mind. Reminds me of when folk discovered Britney had all her hair chopped off and checked into rehab. Mate wondered aloud, “Dem get rehab place like that for Naija?” “Yes”, I deadpanned, “it’s called the Celestial Church of Christ. After being flogged with brooms for days on end any addiction u got will vanish like Kaiser Soze.” Man, I kill myself.

R.I.G. news: After news of gay mate one couldn’t help thinking that there’d be some gay folk in a dance boot camp such as this, but dismissed chances of that happening ‘cos most folk are eight to a room so ain’t no chance of privacy. Coincidentally, while R.I.G. boss and I were discussing logistic issues – discovered potable water supply’s polluted and this is giving folk diarrhoea, so we running (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) outta bog roll – some dude walks in and requests a ‘bog roll’ permit – yup, we rationing that as well. Boss then squints, and I thot he was having another case of the runs, but instead he asks the dude to move closer. “U using eye pencil?” Dude blushes and replies, “Yes, sir. U see my eyes are always red so this helps to solve the problem.” U what?

U know the Baby/Buoyant/Sun Girl dude? Well, he ain’t been around this time, but his replacement’s just as interesting. Dude refers to everyone as M’lord - hear he always wanted to be a lawyer – and gist is he wept like a baby after he learnt the Rivers State governor Odili failed to gain the PDP vice presidential ticket. Yup, a character alright.

‘Cos of the water problem folk haven’t done much training and have instead been binging on Nollywood movies home videos. As the quickest route to the kitchen is via the recreation room where movies are screened I’ve caught the ff Academy Award worthy exchanges:

1. Girl: Mom, Kelechi’s dead.
Mom (*in another location, hoping to convey distress*): WHAT? KELECHI’S DEAD?
Girl: Yes, I found him dead in dad’s house.
Mom: WHAT? HE DIED IN UR DAD’S HOUSE?

Now if I were in charge of the movie the exchange woulda gone something a li’l like this:
Girl: Mom, Kelechi’s dead.
Mom (*in another location, hoping to convey distress*): WHAT? KELECHI’S DEAD?
Girl: Yes, I found him dead in dad’s house.
Mom: WHAT? HE DIED IN UR DAD’S HOUSE?
Girl (*now pissed off*): Okay mom, I know this is a Nollywood movie but u don’t have to repeat everything I say. Did I friggin’ stutter?
Mom (*now not sure what to do as her acting coach, aka her househelp, had only taught her to scream out words*): Er, er, WHAT? THIS IS A NOLLYWOOD MOVIE AND U A STUTTERER? Lol.

2. Lady: GO AWAY, GET UR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME!
Guy: C’mon baby, my hands are not filthy, they are juicy.

Huh? Juicy? Now maybe I walked in after dude had finished peeling oranges or something, but who’da come up with such a line? Lol…juicy. Man, that killed me. Gonna use that line next time a chick gets pissed off at me.

Girl: U are such an imbecile. Do u expect me to believe that explanation?
Tunde: C’mon baby, Shakira’s hips don’t lie and neither do my lips, they are juicy.

Mom: Why do u treat me so? All my friends’ sons are married yet u insist on torturing me by not getting hitched.
Tunde: Mom, I love u to bits, but u must realize the fourth finger on my left hand isn’t quite ready for a ring, it’s juicy.

While we on the marriage tip, here’s what I discovered from the R.I.G.: Girl, runfuh u life if u dating a guy from PH. Recently discovered a close mate in PH is a serial ‘proposer’. Man, wouldn’t that be ace on a bizness card? “Hi, my name’s Bond, James Bond, and I am a serial proposer. Will u marry me?” Lol…..

Seems dude proposes to all and sundry when he wants to bed them. Dude goes as far as meeting their folks, even when the chicks are clearly not interested in him. Lol….man, that’s what u call sticktoitness. Told folk on the R.I.G. about this, but all I got was blank stares. Seems proposing to multiple chicks is so common in PH guys either plan weddings outside PH, or hire bouncers to evict chicks from the church venue. Serious. Some guy told me of a mate of his who was so adept at this proposal thang he didn’t tell anyone when he was gonna get married. Turns out one of his victims found out and raised her hand up in church when the congregation was asked if they had objections to the union. Dude’s mates stepped to her and offered her 200,000 Naira on the spot, but she wouldn’t budge. Lol…where’s a camcorder when u need one? And to think I’ve been wasting my Saturdays in PH praying Arsenal would play to their potential; I’d have been out crashing weddings with Parminder.

One dude had 3 chicks preggers for him at the time of his wedding, another went as far as travelling to chick’s village to see her grandma. Damn. Some dude on R.I.G. said he was so desperate to sleep with some chick he went with his boss to chick’s parents and pretended the boss was his older brother. “I told her folks I’d return later in the month with extended family. Then I spent the weekend with the chick in a hotel. Afterwards, I ran outta there like a speed demon. Man, good times, good times.”

Lol….told y’all I always learn something new when I visit the R.I.G. Yeah, also learnt there are three ‘official’ Mother’s Day per year: 2 Sundays ago for Anglican mothers, last Sunday for Catholic mothers, sometime later in the year for American mothers. So what do u do if ur mom’s an American Catholic? Man, as if I don’t have enuff trouble keeping up with folks’ and siblings’ birthdays, anniversaries, birthdays of nieces and nephews – in the past 2 months three first cousins have had kids!

PH news: Dude owing me bucks paid today. Thank You Lord. Now I can cop that diamond stud I’d been admiring. Bling bling, baby.

U know ex-girlfriend of mate, yeah that one? Turns out chick’s getting hitched in October. “I am so glad ur mate took the piss outta me ‘cos if not I’m sure I probably woulda been hanging around him hoping he’d gimme some face time with all the girls he has. Erm, please don’t tell him I’m getting married though.”

Hmmm, is she afraid he’d object? Or maybe she knows she has a soft spot for him and would probably run back to him if he asked. Amazing the control us humans have over each other. There are some chicks one’d take shite from, but if another girl did something of less impact one’d kick her to the curb. I think everyone has that special someone they, er, have some form of control over. C’mon think about it. There’s this chick who’d be in her wedding dress and I’ll call and tell her not to get married and I KNOW she wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even have to promise her a relationship! Scary, huh? There’s also this chick who’s married with a kid and though I swear to myself, and pray continuously, I’d never sleep with a married woman if she called I’d at least consider it. Heck, I’d even picture myself driving to our rendezvous spot, weighing the pros and cons with my conscience, then crashing my car into a lamppost so I’d have a ‘valid’ excuse for not meeting up.

Yeah, I don’t mean to be a cynic but after mate’s ex said she’s getting married I’d not help but think her new beau coulda been backup all the while she was seeing mate. (Most chicks have backups whether they choose to admit it or not. In the ATL they even have a ‘Maintenance man’.) I mean if mate acted like a right bastard towards her she has every right to, er, secure her future, but didn’t expect justification from her. “I met my fiancé after ur mate and I ended things and….” Yeah, right. After the ‘incident’ she still kicked it with mate up ‘til Xmas so u wanna tell me since then she met some dude who proposed almost immediately. C’mon I may have a killer six-pack, but that don’t mean…..actually I just wanted to reiterate the fact that I have a rock hard six-pack. Ha.

Other mate’s still smitten with his girlfriend and chances are he’s getting hitched this year. Chuffed dude’s happy, but he’s taking this The One thang a li’l too seriously. The other day she mistakenly sent him a text message meant for her dad. “See, we are so in sync she enters my number when she intends to contact someone else….” They call/text each other daily so chances are she’s used to entering his number on her phone, hence the mistake. Didn’t wanna tell dude this ‘cos that woulda rained on his parade. Now the day she mistakenly sends him a message that he isn’t meant to see what would he think then? Had an incident when this chick I was seeing sent an email to mates about dude she had a crush on. Her mates read it and realized she had mistakenly sent me the email so she called me asap and begged me not to read it. As the loyal boyfriend I didn’t, and still dunno what she wrote about the dude.

Was I a bit miffed girlfriend had crush on another guy? Heck yeah. Did I hold it against her? Heck no. Do u know how many crushes I develop daily? It’da been hypocritical of me to say anything. Goodness knows what all y’all would think if u got a look at my journal. Ha. That’s why I’m hoping mate doesn’t attach much gravitas to things as trivial as misplaced calls.

Love the dude like a brother, but he’s got this one-track mind when it comes to getting hitched. Heck, Chief – in one of our numerous talks - says that’s what it takes to get married so maybe dude knows what he’s talking about after all. It’s just that………okay, so the other day we conversating – blame Jill Scott and her beautiful smile for my using that word – and dude asks if I’ve asked Angelina Jolie her genotype. “Look dude, u need to know these things before u commit further….” So when’s the perfect time to ask for one’s genotype, I ask. “After the second date would be ideal.” Huh? Come to think about it, I’ve never asked any of my ex’s that. Does that mean I never thought long-term with them? Nah, it’s just that….u know, that’s one of those point-of-no-return questions where girl u ask that believes u ready to commit….well, except u a PH guy.

Another iffy thang that bugs me about pre-marriage period is at what point do u refer to ur in-laws as ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’? What if stuff happens and y’all end ur engagement? How do u go back from ‘Dad’ to Mr. Voight? See my predicament?

Okay, enuff about marriage what else has been going on in PH? Well, started jogging again and it’s cool to have the wind blowing thru (armpit) hair again. Actually have a jogging pal, but tend to dump her now and then ‘cos chick likes to jabber on or sing aloud when running, while I prefer to use my running time to concentrate on solving life’s pressing problems such as global warming, violence in Lagos traffic, and how to cop a conflict-free diamond stud.
Also can’t fart out loud when one has a jogging partner, and as any doctor worth his salt will tell y’all one can get an aneurysm from holding in noisy fart.

Left shoulder’s been aching like crazy for so long now I can’t remember how I hurt it. Told neighbour about it and she suggested I visit a chiropractor. “I don’t know of one but I hear there’s a good masseur at a local hotel. I’m off there tomorrow so I’ll give u a feedback.” The next week I enquire as to masseur’s competence and she hissed. “Masseur ko, massacre ni. That guy has lost his calling, he’d be a gigolo. I walk in and notice an old friend about to go in, so I walk in with her. This dude makes her lie with her back to the ceiling, mounts her, and starts massaging buttocks like he’s kneading dough. I stormed out only to meet about 5 middle-aged housewives fighting to go next….” Lol…only in PH.

Lagos news: Peeps, be honest, is there any reason why I am always the last sibling to discover stuff happening in my crib? The milkman in the UK get to find out stuff about family b4 I do. Asked sis Nike about this and she cracked up. When I assured her I was serious, she said, “It’d be that family think u never take anything serious. U dedicated ur Masters thesis to ur car Samantha for goodness sake!” I asked for honesty, not brutal, hands-down truth, man. Felt humble afterwards and resolved to curb my Jim Carrey antics. All sisters but one are married and never had those oh so precious movie moments where brothers defend their sisters from bullies or hand down dating advice, etc. I never could get that serious enuff. Only one unmarried sister left and gotta do my utmost to make up for lost time. Also, gotta call my married sisters often and talk about stuff other than my crush of the week.

Just discovered – yes, everyone else had known for weeks – that Loye and Jide would be heading to the UK after Kinzo’s wedding for their Masters degrees. Called Ayo to diss him, “Dude, u gonna be the only one in the Lagos crib seeing as Loye and Jide are out, I’ll be in PH, and Mama will be in school most of the time. Chief’s gonna bug u about marriage daily. Man, all the moms are gonna shower u with love and food. How u gonna cope with no other sibling in the crib? They gonna know ur every move. Ha huh ha huh ha huh.”

Ayo waited ‘til I’d wiped the tears of joy from my eyes and then dropped his bombshell that he’d decided to extend his sojourn in the UK by another year, at least. “But everyone in the house had known about my decision for about a month now, thot they’da told u. Guess u gonna be the one receiving all the love from the moms instead. How does ur ‘evil genius’ laugh go again? Ha huh ha huh.” Man, that’s cold. Seems might have to get used to crib in PH or rent a crib when in Lagos.

Received an email from mate last night with the subject title, “I am off the shelf.” Her boyfriend finally proposed and seems she got her dream man ‘cos since I’ve known her she’s committed herself to “an Ibo guy who’s Catholic as well”. Good on her. If I can’t get Angelina I’ll hold out for a 6 ft natural blonde, blue-eyed, Asian girl. Wish me luck. Tot ziens and God bless.