Wankuru wankuru

Hola peeps. Estoy enojado. It’s 2230hrs (on Monday 12th March) and I just woke up so there’s no zzzzzzzzzzz for a while even though I gotta be at the poles in my g-string at the crack (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) of dawn tomorrow. Cannot occupy myself with watching cable ’cos dude who’da installed the cable had multiple appointments, but didn’t tell me and issued the usual “Of course oga, I fit do am no problem” line. Cannot watch TV ‘cos there are only 2 terrestrial TV channels in PH and both are crap; besides there’s no power and dude who’da fixed cable used up all the petrol in the generator “testing” the newly installed air conditioners.

Even worse I’m cazy broke right now and ‘mate’ who owes me a tidy sum is avoiding me like the plague. That’ll teach me. After last experience with other debtor-mate I promised myself I wouldn’t lend out huge sums again, but this current debtor lives in PH and works for an oil company so reckoned if there’s anyone who’d pay back it’d him. Boy was I wrong. Dude shoulda paid me bucks 2 months ago, but nada materialized. A fortnight ago, I called him outta the blue to ask for my moolah and dude promised to pay it into my account last week. As if. Most disturbing part of this was I later discovered after our conversation dude called his cuz – who’s a neighbour of mine – and railed on him for informing me he was on his way outta town. Ha. His cuz didn’t let on to that fact, it was plain coincidence I called when I did.

So what am I gonna do about it? Short of biting my lip and praying he pays? Nada. U see I have never felt comfortable asking debtors for money. One’d expect a reasonable fellow would pay when due, or inform you if he’s having problems footing the amount. But never seem to have “reasonable” mates who wanna borrow money. Most times when it’s time to ask for money owed it’s almost as if we conducting a drug deal.

Tunde (with shaggy goatee, glancing nervously from side to side): So, er, u have my stuff?
Debtor/Pusher (obviously pissed): LOOK, SEE ME AT END OF THE MONTH. QUITE BUSY NOW.

Me thinks some assertiveness classes might come in useful if I decide to carry on in my Santa Claus ways. Ha. While talking to a colleague about it dude said he used to have a similar problem and things came to a head when dude he lent money began offering him financial advice. “What do u mean u need the money u lent to me? Sure, we agreed I’d pay u today but I don’t have it. What, u need the money urgently to sort out ur car? Then u’d learn to budget for these things. U see money is like a woman…….” Lol…dontcha just hate folk like that? Anyways, dude said after that encounter with that unscrupulous ‘friend’ he decided to become gruff about collecting on loans. He illustrated this a few days later by calling a debtor on the phone.

“Hello. How far? Isn’t today the 14th on ur calendar? So how come the money’s not in my account? U don’t wanna get me pissed….” It wasn’t ‘til dude on the other end promised to pay did his tone revert to a congenial one. Took tips and plan to confront my Moby Dick(head) tomorrow, ‘cos just heard – yup his cuz spilled the beans this time – he’s back in town. Shall keep y’all informed.

So how y’all been doing? Been reminiscing on stay in Lagos and wish I’d spent more time with mom while there. Problem is we were hardly at home at the same time, and the power situation – the generator was on the fritz – in Lagos that week was as bad as PH. Man, it sucks.

The election’s coming up and the ruling PDP keeps promising to provide power, good roads, etc. Dudes had eight years to get their act together, but did nada but waste our funds. The rest of the jokers that call themselves the opposition can’t offer a coherent message on how they hope to tackle the salient issues affecting the masses. Some dude chimed on TV, while holding a broom, “If u elect me governor I’ll continue the good work of my predecessor. Right now, there are modern fire-fighting trucks at the ports. If elected this state shall be equipped to fight fire. I shall empower the police…..” Sure, sure buddy. So what happens if u lose the election? Do u send the fire trucks back to the folk u leased them from? If not, can one rent them for a music video I plan to shoot? That’s right y’all, 20” rims are so early 2Gs, we talking 30” and above in the 2G7.

Everyday I lose more respect for the politicians in this country. Another gubernatorial candidate, who looks as if he was awoken from a deep slumber to run in the race, professes to have a 5-point agenda for transforming his state. Five-point rhetoric more like. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for the peeps around him I’da sworn dude’s movements were orchestrated by strings tied around his appendages. Dude also professes to “continue the good work of his predecessor”. Er, sorry to interrupt u sir, but ur predecessor’s reign was notorious for erratic power supply, even with a much ballyhooed independent power plant (IPP) project, and vast looting of public funds. If I were u I’d stick to the vacuous 5-point agenda and end it there.

Funniest political sight of the week? The poster of a gubernatorial candidate in Delta State pasted in PH, Rivers State. I have heard of campaigning far and wide, but this is ridiculous.

Political story of the week? News of Yar’Adua’s death. Man, Nigerians can sure tell tall tales. Lol…saddest thang is everyone claimed to be an authority on the goings-on. “Dude, my uncle’s best friend is based in Germany and dude conducted the autopsy. I swear he’s dead”; “My father’s gay brother works in the Presidency and just informed me dude’s dead”; etc. In a move reminiscent of Fidel Castro Yar’Adua immediately gave an interview to a foreign news agency debunking the story. Obviously, he couldn’t trust the NTA – Africa’s largest news network – to disseminate the story without bungling it.

Best thang about this rumour is it brought to light the furtive proviso in the electoral act that allows the presidential election to be postponed should one of the candidates kick the bucket (probably filled to the brim with cash). The Senate’s working to amend this and must give Ken Nnamani his props for the way he’s transformed the reputation of the Senate from a rubber-stamping institution to one of integrity. However, in case the Senate decides to bungle the amendment I’ve already commenced writing a script for a Nollywood movie based on the aforementioned electoral act. I already have a title, 25. It’s gonna be Nigeria’s version of 24. Here, our hero, Jack Bawala, works for an overt government agency called the EACC (Electoral Act Crimes Commission) and dude has, er, only 25 hours to defend the life of all the presidential candidates……even though they campaigning in different parts of the country……and the airline operators are on strike……and the rail and road network is as is. At the end of the movie Bawala dies after being assaulted by Area boys while stuck in traffic on Akpongban bridge, Lagos – this occurred during the first 3 hours of his day. The movie’s billed as a love story.

Bloggers of the world, if y’all like me are tired of the same ol’ same ol’ (positively geriatric) political landscape in Nigeria it’s time to heed the clarion call and work for the betterment – yes, it’s a word…..I checked – of Nigeria, nah Africa as a whole, by promoting a candidate with attributes that all the world can be proud of. Since no one in the forthcoming elections is up to scratch I say we mould someone who in 4 years time will be able to stand head and shoulders above all and shall take this country by its bootstraps and lift us out of the quicksand of malaise, poverty and despair. Yes, I am talking about none other than…….drum roll please……….wait for it………..the excitement in the air is electric, huh?............me.

Okay, stop sniggering and follow me for a minute, or two, or three. Y’all know all my secrets so there’s no chance of stuff coming outta the woodwork and biting us (see, I used the ‘U’ word) on the arse. Doesn’t Nigeria deserve a president who cares for the people? I CARE. Doesn’t Nigeria deserve a president who has seen and experienced the suffering of the people? I SEE…and er, EXPERIENCE (?) Most of all, doesn’t Nigeria deserve a president with a diamond (conflict-free, of course) stud in his earlobe, who looks amazing in a suit or traditional attire, greets everyone congenially with “Wassssssssssssuuuuuupppp”, and beat-boxes with his mouth when the Nigerian national anthem’s played? Come with me bloggers, let’s join hands and elect Tunde, a man who can take this country to greater heights while having a ball in the process. It’s high time we showed this country the power us bloggers have in our hands at the tip of our fingertips.

To prove I am for real I welcome questions from all and sundry on how I’d deal with the social ills pervading our country. I promise to keep my answers concise and best of all, serious. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Thought not gonna vote in the forthcoming elections I’m loving the election fever, okay more like fear, sweeping the nation. Folk are genuinely scared the proverbial will hit the fan on election day. Moi? Not bothered ‘cos ever since I began pumping iron religiously I kinda feel I can take on anybody in a fight. Lol…..I know it’s stupid but that’s the way the mind of Tunde works sometimes. Woulda put that to the test in traffic yesterday but recently had a manicure and didnn’t wanna mess up my oh so cute nails. Besides, the lady, a septuagenarian, apologized profusely after I grabbed her by her wrapper. That’ll teach her to cross the road without looking left, right and left again.

PPS
One more thang, when I am president I am gonna pardon my debtors………after I get a pound of flesh……literally. All service folk like mechanics that took me for a ride (geddit? geddit? Aw, forget yous) are gonna get their comeuppance – I still have the receipts. Yeah, let’s not forget the policemen and LASTMA guys that made up trumped-up charges against me. There’s also that bully from primary school! Oh she is gonna pay. Yes, it was a she, y’all got a problem with that? Just so u know she was real huge…and er, er, had bad breath….and hairy chest…and er, er, shot fire from her nostrils and er ….