Jimmy go soul, Jimmy got soul, Jimmy got, Jimmy got, Jimmy got soul

Hola peeps. ¿Cómo usted está haciendo? Moi? Muy mal. ¿Usted sabe por qué? Just discovered I won’t be able to make it for Kinzo’s wedding ‘cos gonna be on some exotic dancers symposium in The Netherlands then, and cannot skip it ’cos I’m the keynote speaker. Damn. Yup, gonna have to be one of those folk who watch recordings of weddings…..and I hate those folk. Honestly, I mean which sane non-middle-aged person likes watching videos of weddings anyways? Oh well, guess I know how they feel now. Bummer.

Saddest thang about this is I’ve been practising a new dance step for the couple and now not gonna be able to surprise them by coming outta a massive wedding cake. U seen the video for Akon’s I Wanna Love You? Remember that sequence when the chicks bump out their chests? Memorable, huh? Yeah, that was what I was gonna do. I was gonna have my chest waxed, hook up some nipple tassles, and……hold on why am I giving y’all great wedding gift ideas? Anyways, also discovered Ayo’s moving back to the country in August so gonna have one older bro replaced by another only slightly older bro – Ayo was born exactly five months before moi. Ayo’s gonna feel positively ancient at the NYSC camp. Lol…and I thought I was the oldest NYSC member ever. If I’m honest dude would probably enjoy the camp ‘cos of the number of women there who’d fall for a recently returned Jand boy. Best thang about this news is Chief would have someone else to pick on concerning marriage. The Lord is good.

Gonna miss Kinzo ‘cos dude’s heckuva fun. Worse, his absence from the family crib means I’m gonna have to start a collection of pocket-squares as I always borrowed from the dude when I needed crazy colors like fuchsia. Oh well. Yeah, also discovered one of Kinzo’s ‘girls’ actually drove past the venue during his introduction, as if to confirm that dude’s really getting hitched. Woah, seems eligible bachelors in Nigeria are getting rarer each day. The good thang about this marriage is Kinzo doesn’t see the need to offer any apologies to his ‘girls’. Hear him: “None of the other chicks can come out and say I jilted them ‘cos I wasn’t in a relationship with any of them. Yup, they were all my girlfriends at one time or the other, but b4 I made my decision on whom to marry they were just my ‘girls’ and I never lied to them. They all knew I had other girls and I’d told them by mid 2006 that I’d make up my mind in December 2006 who I was gonna end up with. Just so happens that the one I chose was the one that I felt the most for. U see once u have ur game tight ain’t no need to lie to women….” Preach on bro. U just read an excerpt from the gospel according to Kinzo. Ha.

Man, being in PH makes me miss the goings-on at the Lagos crib. Turns out that after Kinzo make his proclamation in June 2006 his ‘girls’ started reaching out to their ‘Kinzo insider’ on best way to capture Kinzo’s heart. Miss B contacted my next door neighbour; Miss C contacted my sis in the UK; Miss L contacted my younger siblings and Kinzo’s mom; Miss E tried to hook me up with a friend of hers. Problem was by the time I eventually met her friend December had come around and Kinzo had settled for the most recent Kinzo ‘girl’, Miss D. And y’all thought I was cruel when I gave Kinzo the nom de plume Lagos Lottery (aka E fit be u o.)

Just got back to PH after spending 10 days in Lagos and plan there was to have some R&R away from the vagaries of PH life, i.e. lack of power supply, but couldn’t manage that ‘cos hardly spent a day at home. There was always someone to see, something to do, some weed to smoke. That’s why this blog entry’s arriving a few weeks late. So what did I get up to in Lagos? A li’l bit of this and that. But first, I need to get stuff off my (F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S) chest.

Arsenal got knocked outta the Champions League on Wednesday so our their season’s officially over. Does the team need an overhaul? Dunno. All I know is it was rather convenient for Henry to start limping after we they conceded the goal to PSV. Torn stomach muscles my arse. Would Stevie G ever do that? I don’t think so. Lol…okay I’m being cruel.
Hleb was his usual beautiful dribbles and end up passing to the opposition shtick, dude’s actually regressed from last season; Adebayor….let’s not even mention his no-ball control behind requesting for higher wages; Baptista had better start packing his bags back to Real Madrid; Fabregas’s nasty side is becoming more prevalent; and Arsene Wenger appears totally clueless on proper tactics to employ. Almost as if his head’s not in the game. Almost as if he’s having an affair or he’s being blackmailed by chick he had an affair with.
Watched the Arsenal-PSV game after donning my vintage Arsenal jersey; much good that did me. I’m just so worn out from supporting this team. While questioning the meaning of life after Arsenal’s latest loss felt God telling me I had no right to criticize Arsenal since I do worse on my job.

Tunde: Lord, what do u mean by that?
God: What if a TV camera was focused on u during work hours? Would every hour spent be fruitful? Would ur boss be pleased with the amount of email and web surfing u engage in? U see that’s akin to what these footballers go thru. They cannot have great games all the time.
Tunde: But they get paid gazillions! If I got paid half of what they earn I’d be fired up for each game.
God: Didn’t u say something similar b4 I gave u ur present job?
Tunde: Well, er, er, that’s different….and okay I give in, I get Your point. But why do I have to hurt so? ‘Cos Arsenal play such attractive football the fans at the stadia are never gonna boo them so Arsene’s never gonna come under much pressure. I just wish there was a way the players could feel my pain, then they’d know not to mess about next time.
God: U think they are not hurting even more than u?
Tunde: I doubt it. U see, watching their season collapse is crazy painful. Even more painful that every other person one meets now claims to be an Arsenal ‘fan’. Fan indeed. How do I explain to them that I was a Gooner back in the Bruce Rioch days ‘cos I loved the way Dennis Bergkamp played? Most of the so-called fans can’t recall Paul Merson (b4 the wife beating), a young John Hartson (b4 the kebab eating), etc. They probably supported Arsenal after Kanu joined them.
God: And ur point is?
Tunde: Lol…come to think of it, I don’t think I have one. Just hoping, nah praying, next season’s different.
God: Guess u gonna have to wait and see.

Okay here’s what I got up to in Lagos. Nah, first big congrats go to two of my fav women who recently obtained admission into grad schools of their choice. Gonna miss u both big time. Remember to carry these Tunde words of advice with you:

1. Always keep God first.
2. Remember the good homes u come from and always try to adhere to what ur folks tell u……except when it concerns dating. Interracial dating/marriage is off da hinges y’all! Too many advantages to list here, but most important is if y’all ever get into an argument, u’d always play the U don’t know how hard it is being an African woman in this day and age card and end up getting ur way.
3. I know y’all gonna be studying in the States, but do remember to pass by the UK on ur way home ‘cos ur bestest mate Tunde can never have enuff Milky Bar chocs and Haribo sour sweets.

So where was I? Yes, Lagos. Wait, b4 we get there I must remember to tell y’all about some chat I had with a close friend. Was telling her about female trouble I was having and she said something about me that was quite insightful.

(Babes, if u reading this (and I know u are) Domo arigato from the bottom of my heart. If u ever need someone to give a beatdown to that guy who’s messing u about u know who to call. Er, if u thinking of calling me, u do know I just had a manicure and pedicure and wouldn’t wanna mess up all of this fineness, right? Good. See why I love thee? Ha.)

So what she said was: Tunde, u great to be around and always make me laff and I’m sure any woman lucky enuff to end up with u will have a blast. Problem is I doubt if anyone knows the real YOU. U joke about everything and never let anyone in, like u afraid to let anyone get close to u. Have u also noticed u don’t hold anyone’s gaze for too long either? U know the eyes are the window to the soul……

Man, that struck a chord. No one’s ever got me like that before. True to form, after she uttered/typed (isn’t Instant Messenger the best thang since sliced bread garri, groundnuts, sugar, a smidgen of salt, and cold water?) the ‘eyes are the window to the soul’ line I almost responded with, “so if eyes are the window to the soul, then are my new top of the range sunglasses fahhbulouzzz (pronounced with a lisp) window dressing?” but realized that was not the moment for that. U see, I can be sensitive as well…….let’s change that to senthitivvvveee (pronounced with a lisp). Lol….man, I kill myself.

‘Cos of what she said I made a conscious decision to observe myself during time in Lagos and mate was right on the money. I found myself gazing away when folk were discussing ‘serious’ stuff, especially matters of the heart. If u reading this and I’ve done this to u I apologize, it ain’t like I don’t care, it’s just that, well, u know…….

Also made a conscious effort to be more open, and it’s working a treat. For instance, I discovered there was some stuff I do absentmindedly that bugs a mate of mine and I’ve curbed that. If I hadn’t opened up she wouldn’t have shared that with me and would most likely have sticking pins into a miniaturized version of me as I type this.

Yeah, speaking of the eyes being window to the soul thang, I was dancing with this chick at a bbq in PH some weeks back and she was one of those chicks who like to mime song lyrics and look into ur eyes while dancing. C’mon everyone’s had those sorta dance partners….anyways while dancing I kept thinking, “How come I always choose the girls who wanna look into one’s eyes? U lucky u a good dancer else I’d make my excuses and attempt to strike up another conversation with the girl over there that blew me off earlier…..” Lol. Forget UniPort RSUST (Rivers State University of Science and Technology) is da higher institution that has PH’s finest girls, or so it seems from the gallery of chicks at the bbq. The bbq was aiight….well, if u ignore the fact that the bbqed meat was tough to chew, the muscle top I wore was so tight it cut off all circulation and I nearly fainted, and chick I gave my number to turned out to be a serial flasher/beeper. That’ll teach me to do the sympathy number exchange thang – mate was interested in her friend so had to play the wingman.

Man, I can’t stand serial flashers, especially when flasher has nada of significance to say. Do u know after I didn’t respond to her beeps this chick sent a text message: Don’t u know when someone flashes u repeatedly it means u’d call them? Imagine the gall. Last year I’da called after repeated beeps, but 2007 is my year of not responding to serial flashers. A colleague of mine said it best, “I don’t get this nephew of mine who always flashes me. Anytime I return his calls he asks for money. How much would it cost him to send me a text message asking me to call him?” Time I knew this flashing thang’s gone haywire is when I saw an ad for a prayer request line. SMS or call if u need someone to pray with u. No flashing please. No pick and drop calls too. Lol…2007: The year of deliverance from flashing.

Yeah, y’all remember the last sympathy call I made? That Itsekiri chick my dad’s mate tried to hook me up with? Good, thanks for keeping up. Anyways, dunno if the chick’s been complaining to the guy that I don’t seem interested in her, but dude’s been dropping not so subtle hints about this. Called the dude while in Lagos and he asked about the chick. “Oh, we talk now and then, sir” I responded.

Dad’s mate: I see, so why don’t u invite her to visit u in PH?
Tunde: Lol….no sir, that won’t be necessary.
Dad’s mate: C’mon, it’s only in this part of the world we attach meaning to stuff like that. I’m not asking u to marry her, just invite her over for a few days.
Tunde: No sir, it wouldn’t be right.

A few days later, after strategizing dude calls back. ”Are u still in Lagos? U are? Good. Why don’t u stop by her office to say hi? C’mon, stop by. I’m not asking u to marry her, just stop by. Please, please, please stop by. Please, please….” I’d to say, “Yes, I’d try”, to stop the dude from continuing his James Brown impersonation. I don’t get what the dude’s interest in this chick is. Does she have dirty pictures of him? Is she threatening to expose them unless dude hooks her up with a man? Am I just one of many dudes he’s got lined up for her? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Danger Mouse…. Lol…

Just in case y’all are interested I didn’t stop by the chick’s office. Had too many people to see, too many things to do, too many blunts of weed to smoke. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Almost forgot to tell y’all what I got up to in Lagos. Had a manicure and pedicure, visited the dentist, saw my mom’s mate who used to be my guardian back at FGC Warri. Dunno if it’s the weed but couldn’t recall most of the stories she told. Or maybe I was too embarrassed by them I’ve chosen not to remember.
Also gorged myself on movies at the local cinema. When I told a friend in PH about this, she responded, “Haba. Nobody goes to the cinema again o. Why don’t u just buy bootleg copies of the movies? I know this lady in Lagos who sells clear copies of movies. I tried to buy The Devil Wears Prada from her the other day, she wouldn’t sell it ‘cos it wasn’t top quality. Now that’s what I call integrity.” Yup, integrity from a woman that sells pirated movies.

The movies I saw (and the order I saw them in) were: The Last King Of Scotland, Rocky Balboa, Blood Diamond, Dreamgirls.

The Last King Of Scotland: The movie’s about a Scottish doctor who flies to Uganda to help out in a rural hospital, but ends up being Idi Amin’s personal physician. That’s the “official” version of the movie from its producers. Wanna know the deallie? The movie’s actually about a Scottish doctor who flies to Uganda to help out in a rural hospital…….and sleep with every female he can get his hands on. Female passenger on the bus? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her. Senior doctor’s wife? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her while doctor’s out saving lives. Idi Amin’s third wife? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her while the fat bastard’s out doing whatever fat bastard dictators do. Nanny goat grazing on the hill? Sure, I won’t mind sleeping with her, while the billy goat’s getting slaughtered……. Y’all catch my drift?

Rocky Balboa: Was thoroughly impressed with this movie, as the rest of the audience was. U’d feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise when the Rocky theme song started playing. Sports Guy was right about the movie taking a while to get going, but I didn’t mind. Impressed that Stallone still has his writing/directing chops after the debacle that was Driven. Apart from the opening scene Antonio Tarver didn’t do too badly in his movie debut. Everyone brought their A game to the table and loved every minute of this movie.
The Rocky franchise holds too many memories man. First saw Rocky IV at the crib of my first crush, Feyi Fasan, and loved the movie ever since. Even copped the movie soundtrack – classic 80s rock - a few years ago. Yo, if y’all wanna get me a birthday present in October the ROCKY boxset – the original boxset (i.e. non bootlegged version with stills from Rocky, Rambo, and other Stallone movies on the DVD cover) – wouldn’t go amiss. Now that’s a present worth proposing to a girl over. Yes, son, I knew ur mother was The One I wanted to spend the rest of my life with after she handed me that Rocky boxset on Valentine’s Day. Ha. Er, Temmy Tayo, please don’t get any ideas. Ayo’s not a Rocky fan. Capisci?

Blood Diamond: Long movie, but so action packed u wouldn’t mind its length. Not like that putrid DiCaprio vehicle Titanic; man, that movie was loooooooooooooooooong and crrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaap. Okay back to Blood Diamond. Two things of note: One, the movie confirmed that Edward Zwick can’t seem to make a 2-hr movie. Glory, Legends of the Fall, The Last Samurai; only The Siege’s kinda short. Two, while watching the movie I couldn’t help thinking, “I love this movie, but I wish they had chosen another title. Blood Diamond sounds like a Nollywood movie title. I can just imagine the premise. Rare diamond that emits blood when squeezed hard. Once the blood gets in contact with one’s skin one is transmogrified into a hammy actor playing a zombie. In Blood Diamond 2 – u know there’s gotta be a sequel! - an even rarer gem performs same function as gem in prequel, but this time hammy actors are also turned into albinos.”

Dreamgirls: Had planned to see this on day I saw Rocky Balboa, but plans changed.

Mate and wife: So what are our options?
Tunde: Dreamgirls and Rocky Balboa.
Mate and wife (*doing the newlywed couple thang where they speak at same time*): Hmmm, the Rocky franchise is played out no matter what people say. What’s Dreamgirls about?
Tunde: It’s about this 60s girl group…based on the story of Diana Ross and The Supremes. It stars Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy, Beyonce…
Mate and wife (*doing the newlywed couple thang where they scream at same time*): BEYONCE?! Heck no, let’s buy tickets to see Rocky Balboa.

Eventually got to see the late showing of Dreamgirls and missed about 15 mins of the movie when I had to hook up with some friends half way into it. Loved the way the movie was paced, and some of the songs were incredible. Jennifer Hudson’s performance was outta this world. I mean I’d read all the positive reviews about her acting, but she was amazing. Utterly breathtaking. A most unexpected surprise was Beyonce’s acting; very impressive. She actually got Diana Ross’s onstage mannerisms down to a tee. Of all the movies mentioned it’s the one I’d readily see again.

Stay tuned for the next exciting blog of……