U know in PH when u see this....

How did they get them to lie still b4 tying them up? Even more were stuffed inside the van

Rico Suave

Hola peeps. He decidido dar a esta ciudad otra ocasión.

Back in PH after sojourn in Warri; and it’s first time I’ve been back since the curfew (between 6am and 9pm) was adopted by the state government. It’s been almost a week since I returned and can’t say for certain how curfew’s affecting lives of folk here, though I suspect clubbing’s dead. Speaking of which I just got off the phone with a mate in Lagos and she told me she heard folk in PH still go clubbing but one’s gotta be in the club b4 9pm, then the doors are shut and peeps aren’t allowed to leave until 6 in the morning. Lol. What excuses are chicks gonna give now for not wanting to dance. What, u don’t wanna dance?! Babes, I dunno if u’ve noticed but they don’t come any better than me in this club tonight so u’d better get up and shake ur groove thang b4 I move on to someone else and that dude with the bad perm comes over to u. Oh, u still staring at the door? C’mon, it’s past 9pm, no one else is coming….

Someone should undertake a research on the effect of the curfew on folk like suya sellers and ladies of the night who normally ply their trade in the evenings. What do they do with all the free time they have now? How they making moolah now? What of other folk like security guards that work shifts; how they get to and from work?

The only research I’d read was in a national daily some weeks ago. From the info available the reporter said most married women are happy ‘cos they now see their husbands frequently. No more ‘excuses’ of working late, but they increasingly irritated by all the calls their husbands have been receiving as well. Funniest thang about article was the reporter’s prediction that nine months from the commencement of the curfew the number of babies born would greatly outnumber those in same period the year before. The article was quite enlightening ’cos got to discover a li’l more about the folk whose land I now reside in.

Turns out the Ijaws love to be more than a bit creative with the names they bestow on their offspring. Folk have been known to bear London, University, Polytechnic, Fine boy, Stainless, Indian, Daddy, etc. The author of the article then suggests folk who sire kids in this period of enforced family time could name their kids Curfew. Ha.

In order to get a firsthand account – the lengths I go thru for u guys - I made sure I was away from crib close to 9pm on Thursday night, and wouldn’t u know it shops were still open, bars (the ones with white plastic chairs) were still thriving with life, and peeps acted like PH post-curfew was still the beehive of activity it was b4 the curfew was instituted. Only sign that something was awry was the mad rush to catch a cab I witnessed about 8.50pm, but then again there’s always been that sorta rush for cabs at that time of the night.

So what have I been up to since I returned to PH after a month away? Well, nada really. Spent most of the day after I arrived cleaning my crib. (Always a great sign to see dead roaches in the apartment as it shows the fumigator earned his keep when he did his thang a few months back.) Couldn’t be bothered to do the cleaning the day I arrived ‘cos was disappointed at not being able to catch a classic Arsenal performance against Derby. U see a new satellite company’s got the rights to broadcast Premiership matches in Nigeria and mate’s signed up with them so plan was to go to his after arriving from the airport. That was the plan, but instead the ff occurred:

1. Realized both handles of my suitcase were destroyed so had to lift heavy suitcase – filled with books – into and outta cab in a bear hug/Heimlic maneuver sorta way.
2. Arrived home, kinda happy to be in my own crib when it dawned on me that something was off. Spidey sense kept tingling……yes, yes, I hadn’t seen Parminder. Neighbour, in whose care I had left her, explained, “Erm, erm, while driving in traffic, erm, the car wouldn’t start and, erm, I pushed it to my mate’s crib, and, erm…..” Surprisingly, I wasn’t ticked off. Maybe ‘cos was looking forward to seeing Arsenal’s youngsters show they got more game when Mr. Henry is far away in Catalonia warming the bench. Handed over some funds to neighbour and was assured his doctor would have Parminder purring once again.
3. Waited on neighbour to arrive with my baby to no avail. Meanwhile mate with satellite subscription kept calling whenever Arsenal scored a goal. “That’s it, I said to myself, “I know the match is almost done but I am going over there, even if I catch just the last 5 minutes.”
4. Crazy traffic on the road so decide to take the fastest mode of transport available. As there was no nearby landing pad for my helicopter I chose the other rapid means I knew: okada!.
5. Aaah, the wind blowing thru my hair goatee. Sure been a while since I took one of these. Man, those were the days…..uh oh, what’s happening? Discovered the rear tyre had gone flat, so hopped off quickly and hailed another okada to my mate’s.
6. Aaah, the wind blowing thru my hair goatee again. If it wasn’t for a minute ago it’da sure been a while since I took one of these. Man, those were the days…..uh oh, what’s happening? Discovered the bike wouldn’t restart after dude turned off the ignition, so hopped off quickly and hailed another one.
7. Aaah, the wind blowing thru my hair goatee a….who gives a hoot?! What are the odds of two consecutive bikes developing problems?! Obviously I am not meant to watch even the last 5 minutes of the game. I am going home.

So returned home and spent the rest of the day switching between flipping channels - ever notice that no matter where u are in the world Saturday evenings are the worst time to watch TV as there’s nada quality programming on - and reading Frederick Forsyth’s The Day Of The Jackal.

U know what? Maybe it’s time I got used to the fact that for the next year at least I won’t be in Lagos as often as I’d like. Lol….maybe that’s how folk who move from Lagos to PH convince themselves to give this town a chance. Case in point: went out for a meal recently and met some PH chick…let’s just say I’ve been in this town for almost 18 months and what I can say about PH chicks is EVERYONE I have met has warned me against the ‘stereotypical’ PH chicks. Problem is a vast majority of them embody those very attributes! Lol…kinda like how every parent was tops in class, huh?

The thang with this town is….well, I expected more from this place! Let’s not even start on our fustian leaders this week. I’ve been to Aberdeen and seen what oil revenue can do to a place. Most Nigerians fav holiday spot is now Dubai, another oil-rich location. Yet for the life of me I don’t get this place. I know I said I wouldn’t complain about this place anymore, but man! Since I’ve been back I’ve noticed the roads in worse conditions, the power situation’s still erratic, and…..well, I suppose Lagos is just as bad but at least I can take my mind off stuff by going somewhere, doing something. B4 I moved here a mate said, “All there is to do in PH is go drinking and chase women..” Don’t drink, and the latter, well, never been much of a skirt chaser anyways. Who do I look like, my bro Ayo?! Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Seriously, I’d not complain except I’ve done something to improve this place…and my visits to hangout spots as a way of improving the city’s economy don’t count. Take my li’l wife – I have told y’all about her b4 - for instance, she’s based in Lagos and spent almost a year job hunting. Instead of complaining about her fate and spending time lounging on the sofa at home watching E! she decided to volunteer at her local primary school and teach Nigeria’s future leaders some arithmetic. Best thang of all she didn’t tell anyone about it; I only found out after I called her and heard the noise of kids in the background. Now that’s selflessness; and God’s blessed her soon afterwards with two job offers. That’s the sorta thang I’d do. But are parents gonna be happy when their kids run up to them after school and say, “Daddy, I love school! Some guy came in today and taught us how to exercise. Who’da thunk pole dancing’s the best way to get killer abs?”

Okay, before I go on about what else’s happening in PH I gotta get stuff off my ample, recently-waxed, chest. It’s about that friggin’ E! network. Man, if I meet another woman who comes to my crib wanting to watch E! I swear I’ll grow dreadlocks…in my armpit. Arrrggghhh, that channel pisses me off. Forget Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus, it’d be Men are from ESPN, CNN, etc and Women are from E! I don’t get it, I just don’t. How many times can u make up rankings? And for this I blame VH1 ‘cos those are the dudes who started it. 10 Hottest Latina bodies, 22 Scorching Hookups, 155 Greatest Celebrity Embarrassing Moments, 2,000,000 Greatest Celebrity Red Carpet Interviews. For goodness sake, please stop.

Notice how nobody on E!’s ever just one profession anymore, especially the comedians? Even Madonna’s no longer a singer. After writing her crap children’s books she’s now a singer/songwriter/actress/author/mother/wife/cultist/Britney’s adopted mom! U know what I mean. Some comedians/actors u’ve never heard of, and who probably got on the show ‘cos they are the producer’s weed supplier, act the fool. These guys are atrocious. U could tell they’d never been on TV b4 and didn’t wanna miss their opportunity just in case some porno director catches a glimpse of them and feels he can make them “a star”. Watching this was more cringe-worthy than David Brent on The Office. One guy (when talking about Joan Collins’s young husband) said, I wouldn’t mind sleeping with someone as old as she is. That way I can spank her and say ‘Who’s ur grandson? C’mon tell me, who’s ur grandson?’ Another (when talking about old guys like Larry King getting hitched) said, His wife walked down the aisle in a lovely dress. And how did Larry walk down the aisle? S-L-O-W-L-Y. At the end of each joke they paused and looked at the camera, as if expecting a laff track. Those guys musta worked on their weak ass jokes for an entire year. If the guest that was watching that crap channel hadn’t brought some food along I’da have politely asked her to leave and then got on the phone with cable supplier and threaten to cancel subscription if they don’t find a way to scramble that channel from my package.

Phew. I needed that. Okay more PH news: As marriage-ready mate and I had the week off work I decided to hang with him and his fiancée – yes, he now introduces her as that and bought a ring while in The Netherlands – especially as Parminder was still at the doctor’s. U’da seen them shopping for furniture together, so cute. Dude was even more active than his bride-to-be, checking out the padding on the sofa ‘cos “in a couple of years when we have kids, u don’t want them being hurt if they hit their heads on the edges while playing”. Woah, this dude means business. He even considered moving house to an area in PH where some posh new school was recently opened. And here I am being a third wheel and not complaining ‘cos was hoping for some home-cooked meal at the end of the day’s exertions. Lol…man, I love myself.

Apart from the fact that it’d taken a longer drive to get to his new crib, thus putting a damper on my meal times it’s a good thang he didn’t move apartments ‘cos the newly built apartment we – yes, I went along as well – viewed left a lot to be desired. Honestly, it brought back memories of some of the horrors I viewed when looking for a crib in PH and the ATL. Lol…man, those were doozies. In the ATL I insisted on checking out apartments in the West End ‘cos it was closer to school than Miguel’s, and coming from London the area that bears a similar name is a Petri-dish of cool. Boy was I wrong; instead the apartments viewed bore a striking resemblance to a scene from Boyz n the Hood, complete with the bench press out on the lawn and a crackhead – yes, my very first crackhead in the flesh – walking around the bus stop like his feet were on fire. Anyways, mate’s crib wasn’t that bad, it was just the li’l thangs like the wood finishing that turned me us off. Yeah, also, the peep hole on the main door was installed wrongly so folk from outside can see what’s happening on the inside.
Tenant: Yes, who’s knocking at my door, what do u want?
Visitor: Maybe I’d be the one asking the question. U see from here I can see your fridge is not connected to a voltage stabilizer. I would like to sell u one.

Lol. Anyways, mate decided to stay put at his current crib so all’s well in Tunde’s world. Yeah, it’s almost lunch time so gotta go. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
I have thought long and hard about it and think hanging with marriage-ready mate has inspired me to also think seriously of marriage. For instance, while in cab this morning I found myself writing my wedding vows: I promise to love and cherish my wife and treat her like the queen she is….as long as she agrees not to have E! Network on the cable TV package.

PPS
Was listening to a PH radio station when folk where asked to call in to win prizes.
DJ: Okay to win the prize u gotta answer this question. Caller, are u ready?
Caller: Yup.
DJ: Okay, how many feet are there in a yard? C’mon tell me before time runs out, how many feet are there in a yard?
Caller: Erm, erm, it depends..
DJ: Huh? Depends on what?
Caller: Well, it depends on how many people there are in a yard. For instance, in my yard we get 10 people wey dey live there, so 10 times 2 equals 20 feet.

PPPS
This just in: A neighbour recently discovered she’s preggers. Guess there’s still hope for that Curfew name after all.

Songs About Joan…and Lisa…and Pamela…and Angela…and Renee

Hola peeps. Es grande estar detrás en Nigeria. As I type this I am on a plane from Lagos to Warri - yup, another stripper conference – and all I can think about is, Man, I am sure glad I ‘did the doo’ while at the airport.

Gotta give props to the consortium behind the MM2 (Murtala Mohammed 2) airport in Lagos, Nigeria. Design’s practical and best of all the toilet’s clean…and wait for this…there’s bog roll as well. Man, it was like having an out of country experience. I was crazy chuffed while, ahem, doing the doo, and reading a newspaper. Yeah, this is what we want in Nigeria: a functioning airport with clean, working toilets. What else can a bro with sensitive stomach ask for? No more sweating like a sacrificial lamb whenever I get doodle pangs at the airport. Man, feels so good.

I’d planned to go on waxing lyrical about my love affair with this new airport for another paragraph, but had to cut it short as neither the automatic soap dispensers nor the taps were functioning. Mucho letdown bro. I also had no baby wipes on me - why would I anyways? - so I am typing on my laptop with unhygienic fingers. ‘Cos I’m so infantile I’ll be sure to shake hands with total strangers b4 disembarking from the plane.

So how y’all been? I arrived from The Netherlands last night and stayed over at a hotel. Plan to go to the crib to say hi to family, but had to scratch that as there was no one to pick me up from the hotel at such a late hour. Yup, NOW I really miss Loye and Jide. Oh did I forget to mention they’ve now relocated to the UK for a Masters programme? So proud of those guys and pray God guides them in all their endeavours but I can’t but wonder who’s gonna help out with little errands such as dropping clothes off at the drycleaners, depositing cheques into my account, and researching for best flower bouquet arrangements come Valentine’s Day. Sob…sob…why oh why did they have to further their education? Oh whyyyyy????

Speaking of which the youngest sibling Yewande (p.k.a. Mama) just received news that she passed her final exams. So li’l Mama is now a medical doctor; so proud of her. God be praised. Chief crazy chuffed ‘cos all his 12 kids are now graduates. God bless the dude ‘cos he’s done what he can as a father, now it’s left for the rest of us to live our lives. Yeah, now that Mama’s fully qualified maybe she’ll stop lying about medical terms. Serious. U’d call Mama and tell her about some ailment u think u diagnosed and she’ll look at with eyes of pity as if to say, “What does this unlearned dude know about medicine?”, then spew some Greek cum Latin medical goobledigook about ur probable ailment. Ha. Can’t help but love her. Also unlike her older female siblings her current closest friend is crazy hot. Too bad I still have my weird principles…

Arrived safely in Warri and currently typing this on a bus to the hotel – see how dedicated I am? – though luggage was left behind in Lagos. So not only are my fingers unhygienic chances are I shall publish this blog later tonight or tomorrow morning with foul breath and no lip gloss. C’est la vie.

More family news: Saw Kinzo and his bride this morning. Awww, they acted so lovey dovey. Even more laughable dude came out with Chief’s fav line espousing the merits of marriage: “The sooner u get married the better; u just postponing the evil day.” Then added his take on it, “What’s so evil about the day anyways?” Yup, dude’s whupped, but it’s about time, dontcha think?

Till date whenever I have asked a family member how the wedding went no one’s provided intimate details. All I hear is, “It was ace. We thank God.” Maybe they don’t wanna go into details ‘cos they feel I might get more upset for missing out on the wedding. I asked a mate that attended and his description was more to the point: “Dude, u really missed out on a great wedding. The party “officially” ended yet no one wanted to leave. We danced and danced. Man, ur bro’s real insane. He is the first groom I have seen that seemed more excited than the bride. U know how the couple dances into the reception? Ur bro was doing the Running Man!”

Lol…now that’s what I am talking about. Maybe there’s a good reason I missed the wedding; ‘cos if the music was as jamming as I heard it was I mighta pushed the bride outta way and done a Kid N’ Play routine with Kinzo and……ooops, think I actually had a dream about that.

Glad folk had fun though and the fact they enjoyed dancing ‘til they were kicked out is a good sign. Why? This brings to mind a Ben Elton skit where he contrasts old and modern weddings. He goes:

“In our parents’ time wedding receptions were usually short ‘cos the couple were in all likelihood virgins, and thus keen to consummate their marriage. Nowadays the couple, especially if they’ve lived together, are probably tired of sleeping together so they make their wedding parties extra long to prevent as long as possible having to go thru the ‘tradition’ of consummating the wedding.”

Entertainment news: Y’all heard about Britney’s latest fiasco at The MTV Music Awards? Like I give two. Was most concerned about the new format adopted to enliven the show. Justin Timberlake hit it right on the head when he chided MTV for losing their focus and showing more reality shows than music videos.

Back in 1992 when the dish was initially installed I couldn’t get enough of music videos. Without MTV it’s quite unlikely I would have heard Jeremy by Pearl Jam, and loved it. Let’s not even talk about probably the best REM song ever written, Losing My Religion.

Can y’all remember those funny sketches they used to have? My favourite was one called Rock Mathematics where they constructed equations such as:

a. 10,000 Maniacs + Ozzy Osbourne = 10,001 Maniacs
b. Jackson 5 – Michael Jackson = 0

My all time favourite was a skit promoting reading. It shows a guy and his family and dude talks to the camera.

My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. Now she tells me the baby wants the dog.
U see my wife and the baby are real close. They go everywhere clutching and holding each other.
I go up to the baby and say, “Who’s baby are u? Are u dada’s girl?”
Then she looks at me and says, “Mama”. She doesn’t just say it once, she says it repeatedly. “Mama. Mama. Mama.”
I don’t see why I’d buy a $100 dog for that damn baby.

Lol….how could one not love such? Please bring back my MTV.

Tunde’s weird loopy thought process news: Y’all recall that Chris Rock skit about O.J. Smpson? If my ex-wife took my money, lived with her boyfriend (in the house I’m still paying mortgage for), then has her boyfriend drive the Ferrari I bought around town, I’d wanna slash some throats as well. Look I am not saying he did kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend, but I understand.

Well…..Okay gotta mention that after I checked into the hotel room I went to the bathroom and discovered there’s no running water. Complained and was informed the mains had to be shut due to a leakage. So not only are my fingers unhygienic and I may have dragon breath in a bit, my armpits are gonna be sticker as well. Just great.

Well, I am not advocating polygamy, but after growing up in such a great household and seeing the joy on all moms’ faces whenever a kid’s getting hitched I’d understand why some men would wanna go that route…..okay, who am I kidding? In all honesty, the polygamy line above was coined to get an Awww, Tunde’s so deep and thoughtful emotion from y’all. The real reason why I kinda understand polygamists is as follows.

Just received a call that a close friend is heartbroken after having his heart, ahem, broken after his girlfriend gave him the It’s not u it’s me line. Couldn’t help feeling sorry for the dude and thinking, “What do women want? This guy’s a one-woman man and has always been so. I hope he gets over this ‘cos know he invested loads in the relationship. Like all painful breakups I am sure he’s listening to Eric Benet’s When You Think Of Me and hoping a time will come when the chick wants him back.” Now how does this have anything to do with polygamy, u ask. In Tunde’s weird loopy mind everything has EVERYTHING to do with polygamy! Lol…man, I kill myself.

Okay on the real this mate had told all who’d listen his chick was The One. And having heard the news it kinda validates my theorem that The One is who one eventually ends up with. On the plane to Nigeria in between watching Mr. Brooks and Ocean’s Thirteen I kept thinking on The Potentials that have passed thru my life and how under different circumstances I might be married with kids now. (Under different circumstances I might even have grown a ponytail….okay maybe not.)

And here’s where the polygamy thang kicks in……..

There are so many characteristics one admires in women, but the problem is just when I think I’m ready to settle down, to hand in my spurs, I meet someone with some other attribute I admire, and then it’s butterflies in stomach time again. Maybe deep down guys do the polygamy/multiple girlfriends thang ‘cos they find different attributes of their idea of a perfect woman scattered about different women. After weeks of deep research into my psyche I discovered…wait for this…..I ain’t perfect. Yup, it was a shocker to me as well. So how do I expect the woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with to be without flaws (especially as I don’t dig women from Planet Stepford)? Further research convinced me I’da found many The Ones and even dated a few of them but all in all I think I kinda backed out ‘cos of…well, like I stated above, if circumstances were different who knows? Reckon I’d be hitched by now (or on the way there) only:

a. if she hadn’t farted out loud the way she did;
b. if her dad liked me;
c. if we were of the same race;
d. if I had stayed behind in the UK;
e. if she hadn’t given me a term of endearment after chatting for just a day;
f. if she had been more patient;
g. if I had been more patient;
h. if I didn’t have a wandering eye;
i. if I had bought chicken soup from where she wanted instead of some dodgy place ‘cos I was tired;
j. if she was a little better looking;
k. if she didn’t lie all the time;
l. if she showed she cared for me a wee bit more;
m. if I wasn’t dating anyone at the time;
n. if I wasn’t high;
o. if she could dance;
p. if she wasn’t so angry all the time;
q. if her folks didn’t automatically assume we would end up together;
r. if she wasn’t friends with my sis;
s. if she wasn’t my ex’s close friend;
t. if she wasn’t my ex’s cousin;
u. if she didn’t play so damn hard to get;
v. if she hadn’t cheated on her boyfriend with me;
w. if I hadn’t slept with her friend;
x. if I didn’t feel so guilty;
y. if she didn’t live far away;
z. if she’d just been more secure about herself, and us;
aa. if she wasn’t such a drunk;
bb. if I wasn’t such a dog;
cc. if I wasn’t so risk averse;
dd. if she wasn’t so golddiggerish;
ee. if she didn’t have such a strong accent;
ff. if she could dance;
gg. if she could sing;
hh. if I was more honest;
ii. if I had two dozen roses and an open bottle of wine

Phew. Yup, I have issues. Married female friends all tell me to write out a list of what I want in a woman – think they got it from some COSMO edition - and when someone comes along I can tick off each attribute she possesses. Here’s what I discovered I like, what I really like…at the moment.

1. Don’t know why but I have redeveloped a thang I had back in high school for chicks that smoke. Don’t want my wife smoking, but there’s just something about women with a cigarette – if u take away the ciggie breath - that got me tripping lately. Come to think of it maybe it’s not really the cigarette. Maybe it’s the thang I always had for dark gums. Can’t explain it, and I know it doesn’t make sense but got a thang for dark gums. C’mon, tell me Megan Fox wouldn’t be hotter if she had dark gums instead of her pink ones? Perfect illustration of this is the singer/actress Jill Scott. The gums, the wit, and that smile! Her husband’s a lucky man.
2. Humor. As if that’s not a given.
3. British accents on black chicks, but American accents on white chicks. Love chicks with Scottish and Eastern European accents.
4. Dig chicks with one tooth outta sync, like Patricia Arquette (side protruding) or Isha Sesay (lower tooth growing inside).
5. Dig left-handed chicks.
6. Prefer short-haired chicks. If they black prefer corn rows to braids.
7. Finally, there’s that it factor, that je ne sais quoi that she’s gotta have. Perfect example of this is some chick that was 2 years behind me at Bradford. Nighat Parveen her name was. Nighat wore a hijab and covered up the rest of her body so all u saw was an angelic face and a gold nose ring. Weirdest thang is she had the strongest Yorkshire accent u ever heard, but still there was something about her that took most guys’ breath away….and she knew this as well. Good chick she was. She was crazy funny too.

Yup, I have issues. Think maybe I need to put this in the public domain so I finally have a place to send folk when they attempt to do the hookup thang. Now if any of y’all has a mate with the xteristics listed above I have got a blinging adjustable ring from The Netherlands with her name on it.

Off to have a shower with bottled water. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I wanna be less risk averse and want someone to bring that part outta me as well. Can’t do much radical nowadays like dye hair blonde ‘cos done that already….and no longer have the hair to do it. But b4 I get married I wanna have the balls to chat up a girl, and after 2 weeks ask, “So what do u want from me?” Wanna see the look on women’s faces after a guy, for once, asks that question. Betcha COSMO didn’t think of that one, huh?

PPS
Random laugh of week: Watching game show when contestant was asked to name drug, named after the Greek goddess of sensuality, reputed to increase sexual desire and. After waving her hands about and muttering, “I know this, I do” to herself the contestant screamed out: Viagra!

“In my country they would go crazy over her and her……not so much ur wife over there”

Hola peeps. Desafortunadamente, no puedo hacer la boda del Kinzo.

So it’s Friday night and while everyone is out on the town or doing something fun I am at the apartment feeling down ‘cos couldn’t find a flight tonight from Amsterdam to Lagos. If I was a woman in the movies I’d be stuffing myself with ice cream now, but seeing as I like ice cream it’d not be the ideal way to grieve, would it? Okay, maybe I’ll just have a bowl then….not to worry I can eat my cake ice cream and have it type simultaneously; it’s called multitasking.

Now I am typing, having some ice cream, and watching South Park on TV. Man, that show’s crazy hilarious and love how they have their pulse on the zeitgeist. Also wish I’d get away with some of their satires as well. Oh well, maybe one day. As I am crazy busy for the next month and who knows when the TV show thang will take off I’m including more info on what show would be like.

TV Show news: TV show based on idea of humorous talk show cum faux news show.

Why talk show? Because everyone’s lives changed in the 1990s with the plethora of talk shows: Vicky Lawrence, Oprah, Ricky Lake, Phil Donahue, Montell, Jenny Jones, etc.
For me the defining moment occurred after seeing a Vicky Lawrence show with David Charvet (of Baywatch and Melrose Place fame) as guest.

Audience member: Oooh David I love u so. Heard ur parents are French. Do u still speak French?
David Charvet: Oui, je parle toujours français.

Vicky and the rest of the female audience blow wolf whistles while David Charvet looks puzzled.

Vicky Lawrence (after throwing a bucket of cold water on audience to calm them down): Wow David, what did u say?
David Charvet (still having a bewildered look on his face): I said, “Yes, I still speak French.”
Vicky Lawrence (looking embarrassed): Oh, yeah, right. So, er, any other questions from the audience?

David Charvet must have said to himself, “I thought only actresses were this dumb.” It’s this stupid behaviour of talk show audiences (and their hosts) I absolutely love; let’s not even mention The Jerry Springer Show.

Favourite talk show at the moment is Ellen Degeneres’ because she does a monologue at the beginning and concludes it with dancing. Hopefully, my audience will have better ‘coordinated’ dancers since Ellen’s show is filled with US suburban wives who lack rhythm and mine would be filled with Nigerian housewives who just live to party.

Recently, I saw an episode of Oprah:
Audience member: Oprah, I love u so much. U are an inspiration to me and someone I look up to.
Oprah (after audience stops kissing her butt): I appreciate that and I am honoured, but like I always tell people, u shouldn’t look up to anybody because only u can decide how high u want to aspire to.
Audience member (after rest of audience is done lapping up Oprah’s drivel): Thanks, Oprah. I understand. When I have my daughter I promise to name her after u.
Oprah (*thinking to herself* “Damn, are these people that dumb? First, I tell them about books I’m interested in and then they go buy them, I publish a crap magazine and these punks cop it as well, what do I gotta do to stop people wanting to be like me?”)

To have such an opportunity to control the way folks behave is something I will relish…….IMMENSELY. Since we have got so few “celebrities” in Nigeria maybe when we done with the so-called celebs we’d talk to those folk who dish out moolah to mags like OVATION and CITY PEOPLE for stories on themselves. “So which is it, too much money or low self-esteem, that makes u publicize urself? Hmmmmm…tell me about ur childhood…..” When the show runs outta these folk we’d hold a raffle draw from text messages received and winner would be a guest/co-host on the show and can rant about anything they want. Could call this section GETTING STUFF OFF MY (AMPLE) CHEST.

For me, I’d have a section called THINGS I WISH I’D DO OVER. For example, I’d rant at chick (name withheld to protect the gluttonous) who ordered separate dishes at a Chinese restaurant knowing fully well she’d not finish one – of course, she asked for a doggy bag! Also, during this segment I’d laugh at an ex who screamed at me when I broke up with her, “Oh, so u can break up with me after u’ve had ur fun…”, knowing fully well she was cheating on me.

I have probably stated this before, but would also have a weekly awards, PERSON OF THE WEEK, that would mostly be won by actor Brendan Gleeson (and Terry Crews will get an honourable mention for his outstanding comedic work in the crap movie WHITE CHICKS); and VILLAIN OF THE WEEK, mostly won by Sean Connery, Kevin Costner, and Colin Farrell for being too lazy to learn a proper accent in their movies. This section would act as therapy for me, especially on days Arsenal lose - Kevin Costner’s also an Arsenal supporter.

Faux news section would be A Daily Show with Jon Stewart-type show where the news of the day/week is condensed in a humorous 15-30 minute show. This idea arose after a mate complained about literally forcing his wife to watch the news; this is the void our show fills. “My brother I tell u, if na home movie she dey watch she go concentrate all day, but for some reason she doesn’t like the news…” Maybe our show can solve that by performing a Nollywood version of the news where every time something dramatic happens (e.g. impeachment result in Anambra State) dramatic music plays loudly in the background and bad acting commences.

Show could concentrate on politics with sketches such as:
1. Big Brother Nigeria with (a) Atiku and Obasanjo as housemates; (b) Nigerian presidential aspirants as housemates.
2. Political question of the week:
a. What other jobs could leaders be good at if they weren’t in government? E.g. Frank Nweke Jr. as a model (see his spitting image on a MILO tin); Fani-Kayode as the inspiration behind the bobblehead doll (since he always nods at whatever Obasanjo says); etc.
3. Religious question of the week:
a. Do u feel guilty when u purchase a pirated copy of The Passion Of Christ?
b. If Old Testament rules applied (where a widow gets to marry her bro-in-law) and ur oldest bro was married to Catherine Zeta-Jones, would u find a way to kill him? Okay flip that around, what if the widow was ugly and u knew rejecting her would bring shame on ur family – law for not marrying widow is for her to spit in ur face – would you still go ahead?

There will also be sections of show with a Dennis Penis-type xter. Dennis Penis is a character, created by the British comedian Paul Kaye, famous for asking stars cynical questions like Michael J. Fox “what would u like to be when u grow up?” and Demi Moore (when she mattered) “if it was not done gratuitously would u KEEP UR CLOTHES ON in a movie?”
Feel the same could apply to Nigeria. E.g. “2Face, did u ever watch Sesame Street as a kid?”
(Ignoring D’Banj and interviewing Don Jazzy instead) "Don Jazzy, what’s ur job exactly?”

Doing spoof of songs music videos, e.g. 2Face: Everybody knows I am too legit to quit / Everybody know say KeKe Kenny dey cheat me…..

A guest artiste spot would also be available, spoofs could be of featured artistes. In addition there would be critiquing of music videos, Beavis and Butthead style. Hey ever noticed how gospel videos in Nigeria are always shot outside, preferably in a garden/park, and backup singers always have to have their hands raised to the sky? I NEED to see something different!

Okay, think this is enuff for now. No, one more.

Would also do a Nigerian version of CHEATERS, especially for married men.

Wife: So Baba Lamidi, this is u. This is what u get up to when u say u are working late, right?
Kunle (*with a smug look on his face*): See this woman. U don dey craze? As if u didn’t know about my mistress here. Look u Cheaters people, my wife knows about all my mistresses o. She just brought u guys so she’ll have a chance to appear on telly as she thinks she can make it in Nollywood. Well, since u are here let me officially declare that I plan to marry this woman. So Mama Lamidi, get ready for a mate in the house o.
Wife: Ah, Baba Lamidi. No be so now. Okay, I am sorry. It’s the devil that made me contact these stupid Cheaters folk….

Lol..hey, wouldn’t it be ace if the host of Cheaters was caught cheating?

Holland news: Same ol’ same ol’. Went to the beach Saturday and Sunday to get my tan on (and show off Ab Flab). While discussing with colleagues how much fun it was to chill out on a public beach and not be concerned about thugs/area boys a dude who’s on the course as well provided the ff insight:

"This trip is my first experience in a European country and must say I love their organization. I know u guys might get angry, but if I am God I am letting all white people into heaven for free.

Of course they have their faults, but see how they catering for their people and us in Nigeria are busy stealing and stealing. Wanna tell me Portharcourt cannot be better than this place? If a Nigerian governor did something like this I am sure he’d want u to kiss his ass daily.

These people are disciplined, they get to work on time and do their business. If this was back home, folk would get to the office and walk around saying hello to all. Then an hour later they’ll settle at their desks and start glancing thru newspapers and stock market updates. Oyinbos don’t do that."

Guess dude’s never seen Office Space. Ha. He did make some good observations though thought his take on things was a bit syllogistic. Kinda felt guilty ‘cos while he was going on about whatever he was going on about kept thinking crap thots like,

1. Enjoying Holland though wish I spoke more Dutch. For instance, say u met a hypothetical colleague’s hypothetical girlfriend, how do u ask say, “Hey man, ur girlfriend’s so hot. I wish she’d be the mother of my kids, but knowing me if I had the chance I’d probably get bored after 2 weeks. So forget what I said. Anyways, ever seen the movie Indecent Proposal?” in Dutch?

2. Richard Branson’s got his Virgin brand on commodities as varied as cell phone networks and soda. Wouldn’t he make a killing putting his brand on a chain of red light districts? The curiosity element alone would draw folk in.

Okay, I am retarded.

Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention a fellow Nigerian got 419ed in Holland. Dude says two guys approached him and his mate and said they were police. They asked for their passports then said they had to see any money they had on them “to check for drugs”. Turns out while his mate objected dude handed the police his wallet and they proceeded to do a “sniff test” for drugs. After their test they let them go and it was then dude discovered they’d nicked 2,000 Euros! What a way to get introduced to a new country. Maybe he’d share his tale with ranting dude I mentioned earlier.

Family news: Kinzo’s engagement was on Sunday and heard it went ace. Family seemed to have so much fun at the engagement, and let me know how much they missed me. Maybe my dancing skills were required? Maybe. I looked at course schedule and discovered if I’d get on a flight tonight I’d fly to Nigeria for the wedding Saturday (tomorrow) then hop on a plane Saturday night or Sunday morning back to Amsterdam. It’s called the jetsetters lifestyle baby. Erm, a li’l issue with that is this wannabe jetsetter ain’t got his own jet so has to rely on commercial aircrafts that couldn’t work around my schedule.

I didn’t discover I’d be free ‘til Wednesday so spent most of Wednesday and Thursday rallying my fans in UK, Holland and Nigeria to source for a plane ticket, but they failed me. I hope y’all are happy reading this. Y’all failed me!!!!! Instead of typing this blog on a plane eschewing airline food, I am in my rented apartment having Frosties, ice cream, and KFC (yup, I took a tram for 20 minutes to get it)……lest not forget my Diet Coke, u know counting calories and all. Ha.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to make the trip anyways. Think about it, just a weekend trip in order to attend a wedding…..and I am not gonna object or steal the bride away or something dramatic; u know scenarios that only happen in movies.

Stop! This wedding cannot go on. I flew 6.5 hrs just to tell the bride that I love her immensely and it’d be a shame if she went ahead with the wedding….because the taffeta underlay I designed for her dress wasn’t hemmed in properly. It was brought to my attention just last night and I’ve fired the scoundrel who was responsible for this crime against fashion.
Oh my, where are my manners, y’all? Yesss, I am Frederico the craftsman that designed and crafted this work of art that the bride has on. Isn’t the dress just gorge? Look at the groom, he’s so fabbb as well. Now lemme just touch up the dress and the ceremony can commence…..

I really woulda loved to be present at the wedding. For the past two nights I’ve had dreams where I was at Kinzo’s wedding, and have woken up in the morning thinking it might be possible.

Speaking of dreams Kinzo’s wedding has got me thinking of marriage myself. Not in a positive or negative way, just thinking. Actually been having this recurring dream where I am giving a groom’s speech to guests at my wedding and my bride still has her veil on. It seems weird to me, so I walk across the stage to take her veil off and…..I wake up. The other day it became even weirder. This time while giving the speech my voice cracked, almost like I was going thru puberty again, and I started channelling Macho Man Randy Savage (of WWE fame). Serious. I had his sunglasses, hair, mannerisms and all. Laydeezzz and Gentlemen aaahhh, I, the Macho Man, would like to thank u aaahhhh for coming aaahhh to my wedding aaaahhh……

Man, scariest dream I have had in a while. Maybe the dream’s a sign of things to come; I mean my middle name ain’t Joseph for no reason, right?

Okay time to go reload on the ice cream-chicken-cereal-diet coke combo. Tot ziens and God blesss.

PS
Hi, my name’s Tunde and I am also a chocaholic.

PPS
Thanks guys – u know urselves – for helping out in search for airline tickets. Really appreciate the effort. It’s times like these, when one doesn’t plan properly then waits ‘til the last moment to cop plane tickets, one knows who one’s true friends are.

PPS
Yeah, while feeling dejected at not being able to make the wedding I spoke to my mom who informed me that these things happen. Said even my dad had rushed out of my naming ceremony ‘cos he had a flight to catch to the Far East that morning. Hmmm, makes u wonder if my name would be different if he had had all the time in the world. Maybe after a few beers he’d have said, “Nah, I have thot about it and don’t like the name Tunde. Think we’d call him Snuffleupagus just for laughs.”

PPPS (last one I promise)
Spoke to my dad on Monday and he remarked at the organization at the wedding. Then he lowered his voice. “Tunde, I am lowering my voice ‘cos ur mom’s nearby and u know how easily anxious she gets. Erm, erm, u see while at ur bro’s engagement two people came up to me separately, and said, well, they heard I have another son, you, and wouldn’t mind if u could meet their daughters. I mean u never know….” Lol….thot only Indians did the arranged marriage thang. Can’t believe I’m being pimped; “Thanks, MTV for pimping my social life."

All in all it was a great night

Hola peeps. ¿Cualquier persona sabe dónde puedo comprar una chaqueta?

Hi, my name is Tunde and I am a shopaholic. Yup, just got in from the mall nearby my course venue. The original plan was to visit and see anything of interest, but I returned home with a suitcase. Well, at least I needed it. Most times I buy stuff I don’t require just ‘cos I feel obliged to whenever attendants ask if they’d be of help. Same way I bought my first high top sneakers. They were white and ugly but still copped them.

Man, I need help curbing my shopping bug. Dunno if it affects y’all the same way but there’s some crazy buzz I get from shopping. That new cloth/leather/shoe/suitcase smell just does something to me. Anyways ‘cos of this constant shopping thang I have developed a problem packing. I’m probably the only guy I know that over-packs. Yup, that’s a new word for y’all vocabularies. Even on a weekend trip I pack so many clothes and shoes, “u know just in case.” At the end of the day (or weekend) I end u not using half the things I pack.

So how y’all been? Aiight? Cool. Moi? Alles lekker. Just thot I’d use the lingo being in The Netherlands and all. The course is crazy hectic but plan to catch some sights – and avoid shopping – tomorrow. Actually apartment I’m leasing is close to the beach so first thang tomorrow morning, oops look at the time, let’s make that first thang when I get up, I’m gonna go jogging on the beach. It’s gonna be my Rocky III moment. Also gonna hire some folk to ride a bicycle – this being Holland and all – beside me while humming the Rocky theme song. Goodness knows I need the exercise after not jogging for a while. Had packed my sneakers so I’d jog at a park near crib in London. Did I? Bollocks. Now I gotta get back in the grind of things b4 Ab Fab transforms into Ab Flab. Already feel the love handles coming out. Quick, someone get me Nicolas Sarkozy’s press folk.

London was supposed to be…no wait, first gotta tell y’all about this ugly shirt I purchased. It’s a bright yellow short-sleeve shirt with a sunflower imprint on the back. Yeah, u can just imagine, right? Lol. So why did I buy it if I know it’s ugly? Dunno, guess just felt like a shirt no one in their right mind would have. And it’s expensive too. If u wanna buy an ugly pair of clothing make sure it’s real expensive so when u think of the amount u spent on it u have no choice but to wear it. I know it’s a twisted way to go about thangs, but I’m a fashion victim so what more can I say? This has always been the bane of my life. Reminds me of this shirt someone gave me a few years back. U know a shirt’s ugly when a total stranger comes up to u and says, “Man, that’s an ugly shirt.” Didn’t know whether to thank her or smack her; the stranger that is.

Yeah, London was supposed to be a week of vacation. U know some R&R after the stress of escaping from PH. Only R&R I got was on the plane from Nigeria to the UK and that from UK to The Netherlands. I’d visit the UK more often so I don’t get stretched as much. Only time I had to myself was when I went – yup, u guessed it – shopping! And even then I wasn’t totally at ease ‘cos had to crack my head about gifts to get the family. U know how I always harp on about how great it was growing up in a family of 12 kids? What I forgot to mention is how crappy it is when u fly outta the country and have to get them gifts. Now that majority of them are married I gotta cop gifts for their other halves, and their kids, as well. Oh, let’s not forget 3 moms and a dad, and then the drivers and helps at home. For the latter one can mostly get away with distributing cash gifts, but as some of the drivers have been with us since primary school a gift “from abroad” has to exchange hands. If u keeping count that’s already an extra suitcase of stuff just for the family. Hey, maybe that’s why I over-pack. I’m so used to filling up suitcases that when I am on ‘normal’ trips I can’t help but ensure suitcase is heavy. Yeah, yeah, that’s it; I blame my family for this bane of my existence.

It’s all good though ‘cos it means one’s gotta work hard in order to make extra bucks to take care of oneself and gifts to family. Reminds me of some girl I met who said her ex buys a brand new car every year and takes on loans in order to effect the purchase. Apparently the fact that he owes a bank bucks keeps him working crazy hard. To each his own.

So week in the UK went a li’l something like this……nah, lemme get some other news outta the way first.

PH news: Don’t have intimate details of the goings-on in PH, but know the security curfew’s still being enforced. Man, what a way to live. Wonder what those Nigerian bankers who profess to working crazy hours gonna do now? Maybe they’ll finally get off their butts and discover more efficient ways to go about thangs. Yeah, while we on the subject, how are those suya merchants making a living now?

Family news: Back in 2002 it didn’t dawn on me that my sis Nike was married ‘til I returned home after the wedding and realized she wasn’t around. With Kemi it was the moment when I screamed at some pregnant lady at the wedding; with Seyi it was when I saw her dancing with her husband. Now with Kinzo, it occurred to me that big bro’s saying goodbye to bachelorhood when I stopped at a shop in the UK to purchase some pocket squares. Yup, about time I started my own collection since it’d make no sense to drive to his crib on the Island whenever I gotta ‘coordinate’ b4 an outing.

Gonna miss hearing/exchanging tales of friends’ infidelity with him. Dude’s crazy funny and really gonna miss not having him a door away whenever I am in Lagos. I vaguely remember seeing a pic of his then girlfriend a few years ago, who wasn’t too photogenic, and teasing him about it. Dude waited almost a year ‘til he saw a pic of my girlfriend and said, “Woah, she looks old enough to be ur mother.” Fast-forward a few months to a party I hosted; Kinzo slid up to me and said, “Yellow, just met ur ex. I was wrong when I said she looks old enough to be ur mom; now I am thinking she looks old enough to be ur grandmother.” Lol…man, really gonna miss him.

Travel news: Finally. So here’s a brief rundown of what I got up to in London.

Zondag. Good ol’ Blighty. Feels good to be back. Missed u. Did u miss me? Glad to know the feeling’s mutual. While sauntering thru Heathrow Terminal 4 waiting on mate to arrive on another flight I walked into WHSmith and cracked a wry smile at the headlines on the front page of a tabloid newspaper. So British how the tabloid press can sniff out or create a scandal where there’s none. Think the headline was LEWd Hamilton or something along those lines. Yup, typically British as well to hype a sports star and then mow him down just as quickly. Man, I hadn’t realized how much I miss this place. Can just imagine Daniel Radcliffe getting caught with some cannabis and the headline Harry POTter splashed across a tabloid. Ha. U gotta love those Fleet Street guys. No where else in the world can one get away selling a daily with topless page 3 girls. Of the 3 main tabloids I reckon the worst is The Daily Star. Those folk don’t even try, at least The Sun and The Mirror try to make their headlines rhyme. If u illiterate and wanna learn English at a slow pace then The Daily Star’s the paper for u. Erm, if u illiterate I suppose u couldn’t have understood the last sentence anyways so why bother…

Arrived at the crib with two over-packed suitcases and asked Ayo’s girlfriend – yup, they back together – to cop some KFC on her way back home. Man, nada like some extra greasy, unhealthy chicken. Yummy. Guess anything woulda sufficed after the crappy airline food. Who does the catering on airplanes? That person should be forced to eat that food daily. Thank goodness I brought some chocolates along to the airport; else I’da wiped the crappily applied makeup off the air stewardess’s face.

Called all and sundry to inform them their fav person was in the house country and made arrangements to see them. Uh oh, some appointments are clashing. Oh well, things will resolve themselves.

Sis and family stopped by to say hello. Nephew’s 4 years old now and doesn’t remember me. Sob…sob…

Maandag. Plan was to go window shopping around the area yet shopped like crazy. Man, y’all should see this ugly ass shirt I copped. Searched for a store τ2 but heard they’d run outta bizness. Could it be ‘cos their fav client moved back to Nigeria? Ha.

Shall forever remember that place ‘cos bought the first shirt I fell in love with at that spot. Yup, u read that right, I used the ‘L’ word in describing a shirt. Peeps, y’all shoulda seen this shirt. It was a striped shirt with colours of the rainbow and…let’s just call it Tunde’s Amazing Technicolour Shirt. I remember working during that summer and would walk by that place every weekend glancing at the shirt ‘cos it was outta my price range. One fateful Saturday I walked into the store and realized shirt was on sale, 50% off. Woah. U’da seen how quickly I ran to the nearest ATM. After I bought the shirt I cancelled planned trips for the day and ran home to try on my new love. Man, what a feeling. Okay, maybe I’d save this story for my book, My First Love: A tale of love, devotion and the right washing machine settings.

Dinsdag. Planned to shop for suitcases, but ended up purchasing other stuff. Ran around frantically ‘til I obtained primo seats for the West End musical WICKED. Was ace seeing date again; still as fine as ever. Memories, memories. At the end of the night we both admitted our story would be the saddest Hollywood tearjerker ever. If a movie was made of us the tag line on the poster would read: Separated by continents yet they had the good sense to know it could never work out….or could it? Nah, it couldn’t. Ha.

WICKED was wickedly amazing. Sheer genius the way The Wizard Of Oz story was told from another angle. Too bad the male lead Fiero couldn’t dance to save his life.

Woensdag. Shopping. Met up with mates for drinks. Visited family friends and their mom handed me this fly gold plated sandals handcrafted in Pakistan. So chuffed they thot of me. Sandals would go great with ugly yellow shirt.

I remember going shopping with friends the summer after I arrived in the UK, and buying a nice Nike t-shirt from some nondescript store called Madhouse. A friend’s girlfriend who sees me traipsing down Regent Street with a Madhouse bag calls me aside, takes my t-shirt and puts it in a Harrods bag instead. This was done “so people would think u bought ur stuff at a prestigious store”. Like I give two. Anyways, before visiting family friends today I went searching for vests and boxer shorts and what I saw blew my mind. Peeps, when did Primark become fashionable?

Seems no one’s too posh for Primark now, what with a store on Oxford Street and all. Peeps, it was like a madhouse (Geddit? I wrote madhouse and store I mentioned earlier was called…oh, forget yous) in there. Went in for just boxer shorts yet it took 30 minutes ‘til I saw a cashier. I saw a lady force her kid into the queue while she went to get more of the same stuff already in her shopping basket, “but in different colors.” Guess peeps really like cheap stuff, huh?

Stopped by recently married mate’s crib and asked him how he feels being married for 3 months now. “O boy, no marry o. Since we’ve been married I can’t seem to locate any of my things. She’s been rearranging stuff and getting me confused in the process.”

Donderdag. Picked up nephew and plan was to take him shopping, but rained like crazy so after having some McD’s we went to see cuz Femi and family at his new crib at Gravesend. Yup, crap name for such a serene place.

So I pick up nephew at sister’s crib and dude chides me for not showing up as promised on Woensdag. Tell him the truth that his mom had arrived late the day before so couldn’t show up as planned. Hey, she’s his mom, what’s the worst he’d do? I, on the other hand, am his uncle so he’d decide not to talk to me for the entire day and that’d not be cool.

B4 we leave I toss him in the air, tickle him and blow on his belly button. “Ha ha ha ha. Uncle Tunde, do that again and don’t stop EVER!” It was then I knew I was in for trouble. Good trouble though.

As the day progressed my nephew and I bonded and realized dude’s just like me. His mom says he never takes anything seriously and even better, he doesn’t eat eggs just like his fav uncle. Awww. Hanging with him was the highlight of my trip to the UK. Everything he did, especially asking Why about EVERYTHING seemed axenic, somewhat magical to me. Uncle, why do u shave ur hair bald?….Uncle, I wanna shave my head bald…why do u say my mom would kill u if I did that?….Uncle, do u like the rain? How about the wind?…..Uncle, what’s this in ur ear? Why do u wear it? Do men wear earrings, thot just girls wore them….Uncle, I need to pee pee. I can’t wait man. Why is the toilet on the train so dirty?

I’d go on and on about the dude. Now I understand why parents bug random strangers with stories of their toddlers, or why they make them dance in order to “entertain” visitors. After hanging with nephew I just wanted to tell all and sundry how much fun I had with him.

Vrijdag. Went to aunt’s crib for lunch and as usual couldn’t move afterwards. She sure knows how to cater to my tummy. Afterwards went with Ayo to pick up shirts and ties for Kinzo’s groom’s train. Can’t believe I am not gonna make that wedding.

Caught a late movie, Rush Hour 3, with a friend and we both cracked up at opening scene. Kinda felt movie was a bit contrived though. Let’s hope there’s no Rush Hour 4. If so, what’s gonna happen to Chris Tucker’s movie career?

Zaterdag. Ain’t that special, been in London for 6 days now and weather’s been atrocious up until today, eve of departure. Where’s that extra-small t-shirt I copped on Monday? That’d be perfect way to show off my biceps while I do some last minute shopping for toiletries. Oops, almost forgot to get a mud mask for my weekly facials.

Hurried home, changed and met up with mates in SE London. Got in their ride and drove to pick up another mate. After some playful banter – hadn’t seen these guys in 3 years – we drove to Essex for a college buddy’s wedding. A bit touchy as one of the guys in the car dated her back in college and her husband had insisted he didn’t want any of her ex’s at the wedding. She eventually convinced him that dude’s still a friend nonetheless and would appreciate his presence at the wedding.

Now that I think of it maybe I was a li’l too blasé about the entire episode. Throughout the journey to the venue kept teasing dude about objecting at the wedding, u know Hollywood style. Then the bride would come running down the aisle into his arms and they’d both run outta the chapel and……like I said I’d have been more sensitive to folk’s feelings. I mean no matter how much one’s moved on one’s still gotta feel something when an ex-girlfriend one likes is getting hitched.

By the time we arrived at the wedding it was almost over, but was still great seeing the bride and groom and some other familiar faces from Bradford. Was looking forward to seeing an ex who’s now married with a kid – no, not THAT one – but heard she couldn’t make it due to other family commitments. Shame.

Zontag. Arrived home at 6.30am with li’l time to pack and head to airport for morning flight to Amsterdam. After the wedding last night we went clubbing and for the life of me can’t understand why it’s only in London one’s name gets put on the Guest List yet one still has to pay to get in. Why call it a friggin’ guest list then? Oh, but with the guest list u don’t have to queue up and u pay slightly below ‘normal price’ to get in. So? Back in the ATL if u wanted to avoid queues u paid a li’l extra and got in thru the VIP entrance. That said, it was aiight night after all said and done.

Man, London drained me. Soon as I boarded the plane I nodded off and it was only before arrival in Amsterdam I realized I hadn’t turned my cell phone off….and the plane didn’t crash. Who needs Mythbusters when u got Blackbuster as a mate.

I need to go now peeps. U see since I commenced this blog my waist down to the knees is caked in talcum powder - ‘cos I’m such a fashion victim I copped a pair of jeans back in London that are so tight around the crotch area I fear for life of my unborn kids. Didn’t try pants on b4 I bought them ‘cos was in a hurry doing one thang or the other. Anyways I’ve had to hide in cubicles to pee ‘cos no way I’m gonna be massaging my ass into a pair of jeans in front of urinals with other guys around. Must say I love the cut of the jeans though. Yup, that means I’ll wear them again after today. Any ideas of how to lubricate crotch and laps so they fit into jeans with less hassle next time? None? Maybe I’ll just go commando. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh just in case y’all were wondering I got all the females in mi familia – yes, sisters-in-laws too – perfumes. Couldn’t be bothered to shop around so got them the same brand. If u happen to stop by Kinzo’s wedding and all females in family smell the same then u know I’m responsible.