Rico Suave

Hola peeps. He decidido dar a esta ciudad otra ocasión.

Back in PH after sojourn in Warri; and it’s first time I’ve been back since the curfew (between 6am and 9pm) was adopted by the state government. It’s been almost a week since I returned and can’t say for certain how curfew’s affecting lives of folk here, though I suspect clubbing’s dead. Speaking of which I just got off the phone with a mate in Lagos and she told me she heard folk in PH still go clubbing but one’s gotta be in the club b4 9pm, then the doors are shut and peeps aren’t allowed to leave until 6 in the morning. Lol. What excuses are chicks gonna give now for not wanting to dance. What, u don’t wanna dance?! Babes, I dunno if u’ve noticed but they don’t come any better than me in this club tonight so u’d better get up and shake ur groove thang b4 I move on to someone else and that dude with the bad perm comes over to u. Oh, u still staring at the door? C’mon, it’s past 9pm, no one else is coming….

Someone should undertake a research on the effect of the curfew on folk like suya sellers and ladies of the night who normally ply their trade in the evenings. What do they do with all the free time they have now? How they making moolah now? What of other folk like security guards that work shifts; how they get to and from work?

The only research I’d read was in a national daily some weeks ago. From the info available the reporter said most married women are happy ‘cos they now see their husbands frequently. No more ‘excuses’ of working late, but they increasingly irritated by all the calls their husbands have been receiving as well. Funniest thang about article was the reporter’s prediction that nine months from the commencement of the curfew the number of babies born would greatly outnumber those in same period the year before. The article was quite enlightening ’cos got to discover a li’l more about the folk whose land I now reside in.

Turns out the Ijaws love to be more than a bit creative with the names they bestow on their offspring. Folk have been known to bear London, University, Polytechnic, Fine boy, Stainless, Indian, Daddy, etc. The author of the article then suggests folk who sire kids in this period of enforced family time could name their kids Curfew. Ha.

In order to get a firsthand account – the lengths I go thru for u guys - I made sure I was away from crib close to 9pm on Thursday night, and wouldn’t u know it shops were still open, bars (the ones with white plastic chairs) were still thriving with life, and peeps acted like PH post-curfew was still the beehive of activity it was b4 the curfew was instituted. Only sign that something was awry was the mad rush to catch a cab I witnessed about 8.50pm, but then again there’s always been that sorta rush for cabs at that time of the night.

So what have I been up to since I returned to PH after a month away? Well, nada really. Spent most of the day after I arrived cleaning my crib. (Always a great sign to see dead roaches in the apartment as it shows the fumigator earned his keep when he did his thang a few months back.) Couldn’t be bothered to do the cleaning the day I arrived ‘cos was disappointed at not being able to catch a classic Arsenal performance against Derby. U see a new satellite company’s got the rights to broadcast Premiership matches in Nigeria and mate’s signed up with them so plan was to go to his after arriving from the airport. That was the plan, but instead the ff occurred:

1. Realized both handles of my suitcase were destroyed so had to lift heavy suitcase – filled with books – into and outta cab in a bear hug/Heimlic maneuver sorta way.
2. Arrived home, kinda happy to be in my own crib when it dawned on me that something was off. Spidey sense kept tingling……yes, yes, I hadn’t seen Parminder. Neighbour, in whose care I had left her, explained, “Erm, erm, while driving in traffic, erm, the car wouldn’t start and, erm, I pushed it to my mate’s crib, and, erm…..” Surprisingly, I wasn’t ticked off. Maybe ‘cos was looking forward to seeing Arsenal’s youngsters show they got more game when Mr. Henry is far away in Catalonia warming the bench. Handed over some funds to neighbour and was assured his doctor would have Parminder purring once again.
3. Waited on neighbour to arrive with my baby to no avail. Meanwhile mate with satellite subscription kept calling whenever Arsenal scored a goal. “That’s it, I said to myself, “I know the match is almost done but I am going over there, even if I catch just the last 5 minutes.”
4. Crazy traffic on the road so decide to take the fastest mode of transport available. As there was no nearby landing pad for my helicopter I chose the other rapid means I knew: okada!.
5. Aaah, the wind blowing thru my hair goatee. Sure been a while since I took one of these. Man, those were the days…..uh oh, what’s happening? Discovered the rear tyre had gone flat, so hopped off quickly and hailed another okada to my mate’s.
6. Aaah, the wind blowing thru my hair goatee again. If it wasn’t for a minute ago it’da sure been a while since I took one of these. Man, those were the days…..uh oh, what’s happening? Discovered the bike wouldn’t restart after dude turned off the ignition, so hopped off quickly and hailed another one.
7. Aaah, the wind blowing thru my hair goatee a….who gives a hoot?! What are the odds of two consecutive bikes developing problems?! Obviously I am not meant to watch even the last 5 minutes of the game. I am going home.

So returned home and spent the rest of the day switching between flipping channels - ever notice that no matter where u are in the world Saturday evenings are the worst time to watch TV as there’s nada quality programming on - and reading Frederick Forsyth’s The Day Of The Jackal.

U know what? Maybe it’s time I got used to the fact that for the next year at least I won’t be in Lagos as often as I’d like. Lol….maybe that’s how folk who move from Lagos to PH convince themselves to give this town a chance. Case in point: went out for a meal recently and met some PH chick…let’s just say I’ve been in this town for almost 18 months and what I can say about PH chicks is EVERYONE I have met has warned me against the ‘stereotypical’ PH chicks. Problem is a vast majority of them embody those very attributes! Lol…kinda like how every parent was tops in class, huh?

The thang with this town is….well, I expected more from this place! Let’s not even start on our fustian leaders this week. I’ve been to Aberdeen and seen what oil revenue can do to a place. Most Nigerians fav holiday spot is now Dubai, another oil-rich location. Yet for the life of me I don’t get this place. I know I said I wouldn’t complain about this place anymore, but man! Since I’ve been back I’ve noticed the roads in worse conditions, the power situation’s still erratic, and…..well, I suppose Lagos is just as bad but at least I can take my mind off stuff by going somewhere, doing something. B4 I moved here a mate said, “All there is to do in PH is go drinking and chase women..” Don’t drink, and the latter, well, never been much of a skirt chaser anyways. Who do I look like, my bro Ayo?! Ha huh ha huh ha huh.

Seriously, I’d not complain except I’ve done something to improve this place…and my visits to hangout spots as a way of improving the city’s economy don’t count. Take my li’l wife – I have told y’all about her b4 - for instance, she’s based in Lagos and spent almost a year job hunting. Instead of complaining about her fate and spending time lounging on the sofa at home watching E! she decided to volunteer at her local primary school and teach Nigeria’s future leaders some arithmetic. Best thang of all she didn’t tell anyone about it; I only found out after I called her and heard the noise of kids in the background. Now that’s selflessness; and God’s blessed her soon afterwards with two job offers. That’s the sorta thang I’d do. But are parents gonna be happy when their kids run up to them after school and say, “Daddy, I love school! Some guy came in today and taught us how to exercise. Who’da thunk pole dancing’s the best way to get killer abs?”

Okay, before I go on about what else’s happening in PH I gotta get stuff off my ample, recently-waxed, chest. It’s about that friggin’ E! network. Man, if I meet another woman who comes to my crib wanting to watch E! I swear I’ll grow dreadlocks…in my armpit. Arrrggghhh, that channel pisses me off. Forget Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus, it’d be Men are from ESPN, CNN, etc and Women are from E! I don’t get it, I just don’t. How many times can u make up rankings? And for this I blame VH1 ‘cos those are the dudes who started it. 10 Hottest Latina bodies, 22 Scorching Hookups, 155 Greatest Celebrity Embarrassing Moments, 2,000,000 Greatest Celebrity Red Carpet Interviews. For goodness sake, please stop.

Notice how nobody on E!’s ever just one profession anymore, especially the comedians? Even Madonna’s no longer a singer. After writing her crap children’s books she’s now a singer/songwriter/actress/author/mother/wife/cultist/Britney’s adopted mom! U know what I mean. Some comedians/actors u’ve never heard of, and who probably got on the show ‘cos they are the producer’s weed supplier, act the fool. These guys are atrocious. U could tell they’d never been on TV b4 and didn’t wanna miss their opportunity just in case some porno director catches a glimpse of them and feels he can make them “a star”. Watching this was more cringe-worthy than David Brent on The Office. One guy (when talking about Joan Collins’s young husband) said, I wouldn’t mind sleeping with someone as old as she is. That way I can spank her and say ‘Who’s ur grandson? C’mon tell me, who’s ur grandson?’ Another (when talking about old guys like Larry King getting hitched) said, His wife walked down the aisle in a lovely dress. And how did Larry walk down the aisle? S-L-O-W-L-Y. At the end of each joke they paused and looked at the camera, as if expecting a laff track. Those guys musta worked on their weak ass jokes for an entire year. If the guest that was watching that crap channel hadn’t brought some food along I’da have politely asked her to leave and then got on the phone with cable supplier and threaten to cancel subscription if they don’t find a way to scramble that channel from my package.

Phew. I needed that. Okay more PH news: As marriage-ready mate and I had the week off work I decided to hang with him and his fiancée – yes, he now introduces her as that and bought a ring while in The Netherlands – especially as Parminder was still at the doctor’s. U’da seen them shopping for furniture together, so cute. Dude was even more active than his bride-to-be, checking out the padding on the sofa ‘cos “in a couple of years when we have kids, u don’t want them being hurt if they hit their heads on the edges while playing”. Woah, this dude means business. He even considered moving house to an area in PH where some posh new school was recently opened. And here I am being a third wheel and not complaining ‘cos was hoping for some home-cooked meal at the end of the day’s exertions. Lol…man, I love myself.

Apart from the fact that it’d taken a longer drive to get to his new crib, thus putting a damper on my meal times it’s a good thang he didn’t move apartments ‘cos the newly built apartment we – yes, I went along as well – viewed left a lot to be desired. Honestly, it brought back memories of some of the horrors I viewed when looking for a crib in PH and the ATL. Lol…man, those were doozies. In the ATL I insisted on checking out apartments in the West End ‘cos it was closer to school than Miguel’s, and coming from London the area that bears a similar name is a Petri-dish of cool. Boy was I wrong; instead the apartments viewed bore a striking resemblance to a scene from Boyz n the Hood, complete with the bench press out on the lawn and a crackhead – yes, my very first crackhead in the flesh – walking around the bus stop like his feet were on fire. Anyways, mate’s crib wasn’t that bad, it was just the li’l thangs like the wood finishing that turned me us off. Yeah, also, the peep hole on the main door was installed wrongly so folk from outside can see what’s happening on the inside.
Tenant: Yes, who’s knocking at my door, what do u want?
Visitor: Maybe I’d be the one asking the question. U see from here I can see your fridge is not connected to a voltage stabilizer. I would like to sell u one.

Lol. Anyways, mate decided to stay put at his current crib so all’s well in Tunde’s world. Yeah, it’s almost lunch time so gotta go. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
I have thought long and hard about it and think hanging with marriage-ready mate has inspired me to also think seriously of marriage. For instance, while in cab this morning I found myself writing my wedding vows: I promise to love and cherish my wife and treat her like the queen she is….as long as she agrees not to have E! Network on the cable TV package.

PPS
Was listening to a PH radio station when folk where asked to call in to win prizes.
DJ: Okay to win the prize u gotta answer this question. Caller, are u ready?
Caller: Yup.
DJ: Okay, how many feet are there in a yard? C’mon tell me before time runs out, how many feet are there in a yard?
Caller: Erm, erm, it depends..
DJ: Huh? Depends on what?
Caller: Well, it depends on how many people there are in a yard. For instance, in my yard we get 10 people wey dey live there, so 10 times 2 equals 20 feet.

PPPS
This just in: A neighbour recently discovered she’s preggers. Guess there’s still hope for that Curfew name after all.