Songs About Joan…and Lisa…and Pamela…and Angela…and Renee

Hola peeps. Es grande estar detrás en Nigeria. As I type this I am on a plane from Lagos to Warri - yup, another stripper conference – and all I can think about is, Man, I am sure glad I ‘did the doo’ while at the airport.

Gotta give props to the consortium behind the MM2 (Murtala Mohammed 2) airport in Lagos, Nigeria. Design’s practical and best of all the toilet’s clean…and wait for this…there’s bog roll as well. Man, it was like having an out of country experience. I was crazy chuffed while, ahem, doing the doo, and reading a newspaper. Yeah, this is what we want in Nigeria: a functioning airport with clean, working toilets. What else can a bro with sensitive stomach ask for? No more sweating like a sacrificial lamb whenever I get doodle pangs at the airport. Man, feels so good.

I’d planned to go on waxing lyrical about my love affair with this new airport for another paragraph, but had to cut it short as neither the automatic soap dispensers nor the taps were functioning. Mucho letdown bro. I also had no baby wipes on me - why would I anyways? - so I am typing on my laptop with unhygienic fingers. ‘Cos I’m so infantile I’ll be sure to shake hands with total strangers b4 disembarking from the plane.

So how y’all been? I arrived from The Netherlands last night and stayed over at a hotel. Plan to go to the crib to say hi to family, but had to scratch that as there was no one to pick me up from the hotel at such a late hour. Yup, NOW I really miss Loye and Jide. Oh did I forget to mention they’ve now relocated to the UK for a Masters programme? So proud of those guys and pray God guides them in all their endeavours but I can’t but wonder who’s gonna help out with little errands such as dropping clothes off at the drycleaners, depositing cheques into my account, and researching for best flower bouquet arrangements come Valentine’s Day. Sob…sob…why oh why did they have to further their education? Oh whyyyyy????

Speaking of which the youngest sibling Yewande (p.k.a. Mama) just received news that she passed her final exams. So li’l Mama is now a medical doctor; so proud of her. God be praised. Chief crazy chuffed ‘cos all his 12 kids are now graduates. God bless the dude ‘cos he’s done what he can as a father, now it’s left for the rest of us to live our lives. Yeah, now that Mama’s fully qualified maybe she’ll stop lying about medical terms. Serious. U’d call Mama and tell her about some ailment u think u diagnosed and she’ll look at with eyes of pity as if to say, “What does this unlearned dude know about medicine?”, then spew some Greek cum Latin medical goobledigook about ur probable ailment. Ha. Can’t help but love her. Also unlike her older female siblings her current closest friend is crazy hot. Too bad I still have my weird principles…

Arrived safely in Warri and currently typing this on a bus to the hotel – see how dedicated I am? – though luggage was left behind in Lagos. So not only are my fingers unhygienic chances are I shall publish this blog later tonight or tomorrow morning with foul breath and no lip gloss. C’est la vie.

More family news: Saw Kinzo and his bride this morning. Awww, they acted so lovey dovey. Even more laughable dude came out with Chief’s fav line espousing the merits of marriage: “The sooner u get married the better; u just postponing the evil day.” Then added his take on it, “What’s so evil about the day anyways?” Yup, dude’s whupped, but it’s about time, dontcha think?

Till date whenever I have asked a family member how the wedding went no one’s provided intimate details. All I hear is, “It was ace. We thank God.” Maybe they don’t wanna go into details ‘cos they feel I might get more upset for missing out on the wedding. I asked a mate that attended and his description was more to the point: “Dude, u really missed out on a great wedding. The party “officially” ended yet no one wanted to leave. We danced and danced. Man, ur bro’s real insane. He is the first groom I have seen that seemed more excited than the bride. U know how the couple dances into the reception? Ur bro was doing the Running Man!”

Lol…now that’s what I am talking about. Maybe there’s a good reason I missed the wedding; ‘cos if the music was as jamming as I heard it was I mighta pushed the bride outta way and done a Kid N’ Play routine with Kinzo and……ooops, think I actually had a dream about that.

Glad folk had fun though and the fact they enjoyed dancing ‘til they were kicked out is a good sign. Why? This brings to mind a Ben Elton skit where he contrasts old and modern weddings. He goes:

“In our parents’ time wedding receptions were usually short ‘cos the couple were in all likelihood virgins, and thus keen to consummate their marriage. Nowadays the couple, especially if they’ve lived together, are probably tired of sleeping together so they make their wedding parties extra long to prevent as long as possible having to go thru the ‘tradition’ of consummating the wedding.”

Entertainment news: Y’all heard about Britney’s latest fiasco at The MTV Music Awards? Like I give two. Was most concerned about the new format adopted to enliven the show. Justin Timberlake hit it right on the head when he chided MTV for losing their focus and showing more reality shows than music videos.

Back in 1992 when the dish was initially installed I couldn’t get enough of music videos. Without MTV it’s quite unlikely I would have heard Jeremy by Pearl Jam, and loved it. Let’s not even talk about probably the best REM song ever written, Losing My Religion.

Can y’all remember those funny sketches they used to have? My favourite was one called Rock Mathematics where they constructed equations such as:

a. 10,000 Maniacs + Ozzy Osbourne = 10,001 Maniacs
b. Jackson 5 – Michael Jackson = 0

My all time favourite was a skit promoting reading. It shows a guy and his family and dude talks to the camera.

My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. Now she tells me the baby wants the dog.
U see my wife and the baby are real close. They go everywhere clutching and holding each other.
I go up to the baby and say, “Who’s baby are u? Are u dada’s girl?”
Then she looks at me and says, “Mama”. She doesn’t just say it once, she says it repeatedly. “Mama. Mama. Mama.”
I don’t see why I’d buy a $100 dog for that damn baby.

Lol….how could one not love such? Please bring back my MTV.

Tunde’s weird loopy thought process news: Y’all recall that Chris Rock skit about O.J. Smpson? If my ex-wife took my money, lived with her boyfriend (in the house I’m still paying mortgage for), then has her boyfriend drive the Ferrari I bought around town, I’d wanna slash some throats as well. Look I am not saying he did kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend, but I understand.

Well…..Okay gotta mention that after I checked into the hotel room I went to the bathroom and discovered there’s no running water. Complained and was informed the mains had to be shut due to a leakage. So not only are my fingers unhygienic and I may have dragon breath in a bit, my armpits are gonna be sticker as well. Just great.

Well, I am not advocating polygamy, but after growing up in such a great household and seeing the joy on all moms’ faces whenever a kid’s getting hitched I’d understand why some men would wanna go that route…..okay, who am I kidding? In all honesty, the polygamy line above was coined to get an Awww, Tunde’s so deep and thoughtful emotion from y’all. The real reason why I kinda understand polygamists is as follows.

Just received a call that a close friend is heartbroken after having his heart, ahem, broken after his girlfriend gave him the It’s not u it’s me line. Couldn’t help feeling sorry for the dude and thinking, “What do women want? This guy’s a one-woman man and has always been so. I hope he gets over this ‘cos know he invested loads in the relationship. Like all painful breakups I am sure he’s listening to Eric Benet’s When You Think Of Me and hoping a time will come when the chick wants him back.” Now how does this have anything to do with polygamy, u ask. In Tunde’s weird loopy mind everything has EVERYTHING to do with polygamy! Lol…man, I kill myself.

Okay on the real this mate had told all who’d listen his chick was The One. And having heard the news it kinda validates my theorem that The One is who one eventually ends up with. On the plane to Nigeria in between watching Mr. Brooks and Ocean’s Thirteen I kept thinking on The Potentials that have passed thru my life and how under different circumstances I might be married with kids now. (Under different circumstances I might even have grown a ponytail….okay maybe not.)

And here’s where the polygamy thang kicks in……..

There are so many characteristics one admires in women, but the problem is just when I think I’m ready to settle down, to hand in my spurs, I meet someone with some other attribute I admire, and then it’s butterflies in stomach time again. Maybe deep down guys do the polygamy/multiple girlfriends thang ‘cos they find different attributes of their idea of a perfect woman scattered about different women. After weeks of deep research into my psyche I discovered…wait for this…..I ain’t perfect. Yup, it was a shocker to me as well. So how do I expect the woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with to be without flaws (especially as I don’t dig women from Planet Stepford)? Further research convinced me I’da found many The Ones and even dated a few of them but all in all I think I kinda backed out ‘cos of…well, like I stated above, if circumstances were different who knows? Reckon I’d be hitched by now (or on the way there) only:

a. if she hadn’t farted out loud the way she did;
b. if her dad liked me;
c. if we were of the same race;
d. if I had stayed behind in the UK;
e. if she hadn’t given me a term of endearment after chatting for just a day;
f. if she had been more patient;
g. if I had been more patient;
h. if I didn’t have a wandering eye;
i. if I had bought chicken soup from where she wanted instead of some dodgy place ‘cos I was tired;
j. if she was a little better looking;
k. if she didn’t lie all the time;
l. if she showed she cared for me a wee bit more;
m. if I wasn’t dating anyone at the time;
n. if I wasn’t high;
o. if she could dance;
p. if she wasn’t so angry all the time;
q. if her folks didn’t automatically assume we would end up together;
r. if she wasn’t friends with my sis;
s. if she wasn’t my ex’s close friend;
t. if she wasn’t my ex’s cousin;
u. if she didn’t play so damn hard to get;
v. if she hadn’t cheated on her boyfriend with me;
w. if I hadn’t slept with her friend;
x. if I didn’t feel so guilty;
y. if she didn’t live far away;
z. if she’d just been more secure about herself, and us;
aa. if she wasn’t such a drunk;
bb. if I wasn’t such a dog;
cc. if I wasn’t so risk averse;
dd. if she wasn’t so golddiggerish;
ee. if she didn’t have such a strong accent;
ff. if she could dance;
gg. if she could sing;
hh. if I was more honest;
ii. if I had two dozen roses and an open bottle of wine

Phew. Yup, I have issues. Married female friends all tell me to write out a list of what I want in a woman – think they got it from some COSMO edition - and when someone comes along I can tick off each attribute she possesses. Here’s what I discovered I like, what I really like…at the moment.

1. Don’t know why but I have redeveloped a thang I had back in high school for chicks that smoke. Don’t want my wife smoking, but there’s just something about women with a cigarette – if u take away the ciggie breath - that got me tripping lately. Come to think of it maybe it’s not really the cigarette. Maybe it’s the thang I always had for dark gums. Can’t explain it, and I know it doesn’t make sense but got a thang for dark gums. C’mon, tell me Megan Fox wouldn’t be hotter if she had dark gums instead of her pink ones? Perfect illustration of this is the singer/actress Jill Scott. The gums, the wit, and that smile! Her husband’s a lucky man.
2. Humor. As if that’s not a given.
3. British accents on black chicks, but American accents on white chicks. Love chicks with Scottish and Eastern European accents.
4. Dig chicks with one tooth outta sync, like Patricia Arquette (side protruding) or Isha Sesay (lower tooth growing inside).
5. Dig left-handed chicks.
6. Prefer short-haired chicks. If they black prefer corn rows to braids.
7. Finally, there’s that it factor, that je ne sais quoi that she’s gotta have. Perfect example of this is some chick that was 2 years behind me at Bradford. Nighat Parveen her name was. Nighat wore a hijab and covered up the rest of her body so all u saw was an angelic face and a gold nose ring. Weirdest thang is she had the strongest Yorkshire accent u ever heard, but still there was something about her that took most guys’ breath away….and she knew this as well. Good chick she was. She was crazy funny too.

Yup, I have issues. Think maybe I need to put this in the public domain so I finally have a place to send folk when they attempt to do the hookup thang. Now if any of y’all has a mate with the xteristics listed above I have got a blinging adjustable ring from The Netherlands with her name on it.

Off to have a shower with bottled water. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Oh yeah, forgot to mention that I wanna be less risk averse and want someone to bring that part outta me as well. Can’t do much radical nowadays like dye hair blonde ‘cos done that already….and no longer have the hair to do it. But b4 I get married I wanna have the balls to chat up a girl, and after 2 weeks ask, “So what do u want from me?” Wanna see the look on women’s faces after a guy, for once, asks that question. Betcha COSMO didn’t think of that one, huh?

PPS
Random laugh of week: Watching game show when contestant was asked to name drug, named after the Greek goddess of sensuality, reputed to increase sexual desire and. After waving her hands about and muttering, “I know this, I do” to herself the contestant screamed out: Viagra!