“In my country they would go crazy over her and her……not so much ur wife over there”

Hola peeps. Desafortunadamente, no puedo hacer la boda del Kinzo.

So it’s Friday night and while everyone is out on the town or doing something fun I am at the apartment feeling down ‘cos couldn’t find a flight tonight from Amsterdam to Lagos. If I was a woman in the movies I’d be stuffing myself with ice cream now, but seeing as I like ice cream it’d not be the ideal way to grieve, would it? Okay, maybe I’ll just have a bowl then….not to worry I can eat my cake ice cream and have it type simultaneously; it’s called multitasking.

Now I am typing, having some ice cream, and watching South Park on TV. Man, that show’s crazy hilarious and love how they have their pulse on the zeitgeist. Also wish I’d get away with some of their satires as well. Oh well, maybe one day. As I am crazy busy for the next month and who knows when the TV show thang will take off I’m including more info on what show would be like.

TV Show news: TV show based on idea of humorous talk show cum faux news show.

Why talk show? Because everyone’s lives changed in the 1990s with the plethora of talk shows: Vicky Lawrence, Oprah, Ricky Lake, Phil Donahue, Montell, Jenny Jones, etc.
For me the defining moment occurred after seeing a Vicky Lawrence show with David Charvet (of Baywatch and Melrose Place fame) as guest.

Audience member: Oooh David I love u so. Heard ur parents are French. Do u still speak French?
David Charvet: Oui, je parle toujours français.

Vicky and the rest of the female audience blow wolf whistles while David Charvet looks puzzled.

Vicky Lawrence (after throwing a bucket of cold water on audience to calm them down): Wow David, what did u say?
David Charvet (still having a bewildered look on his face): I said, “Yes, I still speak French.”
Vicky Lawrence (looking embarrassed): Oh, yeah, right. So, er, any other questions from the audience?

David Charvet must have said to himself, “I thought only actresses were this dumb.” It’s this stupid behaviour of talk show audiences (and their hosts) I absolutely love; let’s not even mention The Jerry Springer Show.

Favourite talk show at the moment is Ellen Degeneres’ because she does a monologue at the beginning and concludes it with dancing. Hopefully, my audience will have better ‘coordinated’ dancers since Ellen’s show is filled with US suburban wives who lack rhythm and mine would be filled with Nigerian housewives who just live to party.

Recently, I saw an episode of Oprah:
Audience member: Oprah, I love u so much. U are an inspiration to me and someone I look up to.
Oprah (after audience stops kissing her butt): I appreciate that and I am honoured, but like I always tell people, u shouldn’t look up to anybody because only u can decide how high u want to aspire to.
Audience member (after rest of audience is done lapping up Oprah’s drivel): Thanks, Oprah. I understand. When I have my daughter I promise to name her after u.
Oprah (*thinking to herself* “Damn, are these people that dumb? First, I tell them about books I’m interested in and then they go buy them, I publish a crap magazine and these punks cop it as well, what do I gotta do to stop people wanting to be like me?”)

To have such an opportunity to control the way folks behave is something I will relish…….IMMENSELY. Since we have got so few “celebrities” in Nigeria maybe when we done with the so-called celebs we’d talk to those folk who dish out moolah to mags like OVATION and CITY PEOPLE for stories on themselves. “So which is it, too much money or low self-esteem, that makes u publicize urself? Hmmmmm…tell me about ur childhood…..” When the show runs outta these folk we’d hold a raffle draw from text messages received and winner would be a guest/co-host on the show and can rant about anything they want. Could call this section GETTING STUFF OFF MY (AMPLE) CHEST.

For me, I’d have a section called THINGS I WISH I’D DO OVER. For example, I’d rant at chick (name withheld to protect the gluttonous) who ordered separate dishes at a Chinese restaurant knowing fully well she’d not finish one – of course, she asked for a doggy bag! Also, during this segment I’d laugh at an ex who screamed at me when I broke up with her, “Oh, so u can break up with me after u’ve had ur fun…”, knowing fully well she was cheating on me.

I have probably stated this before, but would also have a weekly awards, PERSON OF THE WEEK, that would mostly be won by actor Brendan Gleeson (and Terry Crews will get an honourable mention for his outstanding comedic work in the crap movie WHITE CHICKS); and VILLAIN OF THE WEEK, mostly won by Sean Connery, Kevin Costner, and Colin Farrell for being too lazy to learn a proper accent in their movies. This section would act as therapy for me, especially on days Arsenal lose - Kevin Costner’s also an Arsenal supporter.

Faux news section would be A Daily Show with Jon Stewart-type show where the news of the day/week is condensed in a humorous 15-30 minute show. This idea arose after a mate complained about literally forcing his wife to watch the news; this is the void our show fills. “My brother I tell u, if na home movie she dey watch she go concentrate all day, but for some reason she doesn’t like the news…” Maybe our show can solve that by performing a Nollywood version of the news where every time something dramatic happens (e.g. impeachment result in Anambra State) dramatic music plays loudly in the background and bad acting commences.

Show could concentrate on politics with sketches such as:
1. Big Brother Nigeria with (a) Atiku and Obasanjo as housemates; (b) Nigerian presidential aspirants as housemates.
2. Political question of the week:
a. What other jobs could leaders be good at if they weren’t in government? E.g. Frank Nweke Jr. as a model (see his spitting image on a MILO tin); Fani-Kayode as the inspiration behind the bobblehead doll (since he always nods at whatever Obasanjo says); etc.
3. Religious question of the week:
a. Do u feel guilty when u purchase a pirated copy of The Passion Of Christ?
b. If Old Testament rules applied (where a widow gets to marry her bro-in-law) and ur oldest bro was married to Catherine Zeta-Jones, would u find a way to kill him? Okay flip that around, what if the widow was ugly and u knew rejecting her would bring shame on ur family – law for not marrying widow is for her to spit in ur face – would you still go ahead?

There will also be sections of show with a Dennis Penis-type xter. Dennis Penis is a character, created by the British comedian Paul Kaye, famous for asking stars cynical questions like Michael J. Fox “what would u like to be when u grow up?” and Demi Moore (when she mattered) “if it was not done gratuitously would u KEEP UR CLOTHES ON in a movie?”
Feel the same could apply to Nigeria. E.g. “2Face, did u ever watch Sesame Street as a kid?”
(Ignoring D’Banj and interviewing Don Jazzy instead) "Don Jazzy, what’s ur job exactly?”

Doing spoof of songs music videos, e.g. 2Face: Everybody knows I am too legit to quit / Everybody know say KeKe Kenny dey cheat me…..

A guest artiste spot would also be available, spoofs could be of featured artistes. In addition there would be critiquing of music videos, Beavis and Butthead style. Hey ever noticed how gospel videos in Nigeria are always shot outside, preferably in a garden/park, and backup singers always have to have their hands raised to the sky? I NEED to see something different!

Okay, think this is enuff for now. No, one more.

Would also do a Nigerian version of CHEATERS, especially for married men.

Wife: So Baba Lamidi, this is u. This is what u get up to when u say u are working late, right?
Kunle (*with a smug look on his face*): See this woman. U don dey craze? As if u didn’t know about my mistress here. Look u Cheaters people, my wife knows about all my mistresses o. She just brought u guys so she’ll have a chance to appear on telly as she thinks she can make it in Nollywood. Well, since u are here let me officially declare that I plan to marry this woman. So Mama Lamidi, get ready for a mate in the house o.
Wife: Ah, Baba Lamidi. No be so now. Okay, I am sorry. It’s the devil that made me contact these stupid Cheaters folk….

Lol..hey, wouldn’t it be ace if the host of Cheaters was caught cheating?

Holland news: Same ol’ same ol’. Went to the beach Saturday and Sunday to get my tan on (and show off Ab Flab). While discussing with colleagues how much fun it was to chill out on a public beach and not be concerned about thugs/area boys a dude who’s on the course as well provided the ff insight:

"This trip is my first experience in a European country and must say I love their organization. I know u guys might get angry, but if I am God I am letting all white people into heaven for free.

Of course they have their faults, but see how they catering for their people and us in Nigeria are busy stealing and stealing. Wanna tell me Portharcourt cannot be better than this place? If a Nigerian governor did something like this I am sure he’d want u to kiss his ass daily.

These people are disciplined, they get to work on time and do their business. If this was back home, folk would get to the office and walk around saying hello to all. Then an hour later they’ll settle at their desks and start glancing thru newspapers and stock market updates. Oyinbos don’t do that."

Guess dude’s never seen Office Space. Ha. He did make some good observations though thought his take on things was a bit syllogistic. Kinda felt guilty ‘cos while he was going on about whatever he was going on about kept thinking crap thots like,

1. Enjoying Holland though wish I spoke more Dutch. For instance, say u met a hypothetical colleague’s hypothetical girlfriend, how do u ask say, “Hey man, ur girlfriend’s so hot. I wish she’d be the mother of my kids, but knowing me if I had the chance I’d probably get bored after 2 weeks. So forget what I said. Anyways, ever seen the movie Indecent Proposal?” in Dutch?

2. Richard Branson’s got his Virgin brand on commodities as varied as cell phone networks and soda. Wouldn’t he make a killing putting his brand on a chain of red light districts? The curiosity element alone would draw folk in.

Okay, I am retarded.

Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention a fellow Nigerian got 419ed in Holland. Dude says two guys approached him and his mate and said they were police. They asked for their passports then said they had to see any money they had on them “to check for drugs”. Turns out while his mate objected dude handed the police his wallet and they proceeded to do a “sniff test” for drugs. After their test they let them go and it was then dude discovered they’d nicked 2,000 Euros! What a way to get introduced to a new country. Maybe he’d share his tale with ranting dude I mentioned earlier.

Family news: Kinzo’s engagement was on Sunday and heard it went ace. Family seemed to have so much fun at the engagement, and let me know how much they missed me. Maybe my dancing skills were required? Maybe. I looked at course schedule and discovered if I’d get on a flight tonight I’d fly to Nigeria for the wedding Saturday (tomorrow) then hop on a plane Saturday night or Sunday morning back to Amsterdam. It’s called the jetsetters lifestyle baby. Erm, a li’l issue with that is this wannabe jetsetter ain’t got his own jet so has to rely on commercial aircrafts that couldn’t work around my schedule.

I didn’t discover I’d be free ‘til Wednesday so spent most of Wednesday and Thursday rallying my fans in UK, Holland and Nigeria to source for a plane ticket, but they failed me. I hope y’all are happy reading this. Y’all failed me!!!!! Instead of typing this blog on a plane eschewing airline food, I am in my rented apartment having Frosties, ice cream, and KFC (yup, I took a tram for 20 minutes to get it)……lest not forget my Diet Coke, u know counting calories and all. Ha.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to make the trip anyways. Think about it, just a weekend trip in order to attend a wedding…..and I am not gonna object or steal the bride away or something dramatic; u know scenarios that only happen in movies.

Stop! This wedding cannot go on. I flew 6.5 hrs just to tell the bride that I love her immensely and it’d be a shame if she went ahead with the wedding….because the taffeta underlay I designed for her dress wasn’t hemmed in properly. It was brought to my attention just last night and I’ve fired the scoundrel who was responsible for this crime against fashion.
Oh my, where are my manners, y’all? Yesss, I am Frederico the craftsman that designed and crafted this work of art that the bride has on. Isn’t the dress just gorge? Look at the groom, he’s so fabbb as well. Now lemme just touch up the dress and the ceremony can commence…..

I really woulda loved to be present at the wedding. For the past two nights I’ve had dreams where I was at Kinzo’s wedding, and have woken up in the morning thinking it might be possible.

Speaking of dreams Kinzo’s wedding has got me thinking of marriage myself. Not in a positive or negative way, just thinking. Actually been having this recurring dream where I am giving a groom’s speech to guests at my wedding and my bride still has her veil on. It seems weird to me, so I walk across the stage to take her veil off and…..I wake up. The other day it became even weirder. This time while giving the speech my voice cracked, almost like I was going thru puberty again, and I started channelling Macho Man Randy Savage (of WWE fame). Serious. I had his sunglasses, hair, mannerisms and all. Laydeezzz and Gentlemen aaahhh, I, the Macho Man, would like to thank u aaahhhh for coming aaahhh to my wedding aaaahhh……

Man, scariest dream I have had in a while. Maybe the dream’s a sign of things to come; I mean my middle name ain’t Joseph for no reason, right?

Okay time to go reload on the ice cream-chicken-cereal-diet coke combo. Tot ziens and God blesss.

PS
Hi, my name’s Tunde and I am also a chocaholic.

PPS
Thanks guys – u know urselves – for helping out in search for airline tickets. Really appreciate the effort. It’s times like these, when one doesn’t plan properly then waits ‘til the last moment to cop plane tickets, one knows who one’s true friends are.

PPS
Yeah, while feeling dejected at not being able to make the wedding I spoke to my mom who informed me that these things happen. Said even my dad had rushed out of my naming ceremony ‘cos he had a flight to catch to the Far East that morning. Hmmm, makes u wonder if my name would be different if he had had all the time in the world. Maybe after a few beers he’d have said, “Nah, I have thot about it and don’t like the name Tunde. Think we’d call him Snuffleupagus just for laughs.”

PPPS (last one I promise)
Spoke to my dad on Monday and he remarked at the organization at the wedding. Then he lowered his voice. “Tunde, I am lowering my voice ‘cos ur mom’s nearby and u know how easily anxious she gets. Erm, erm, u see while at ur bro’s engagement two people came up to me separately, and said, well, they heard I have another son, you, and wouldn’t mind if u could meet their daughters. I mean u never know….” Lol….thot only Indians did the arranged marriage thang. Can’t believe I’m being pimped; “Thanks, MTV for pimping my social life."