I know u like to think ur s$#t don’t stink, but lean a little closer and u’ll find...Hey, u are right; ur s$#t REALLY don’t stink (Part 1)
Hola peeps. Apologías sinceras por el silencio. U see I’ve been incommunicado for the past week and…hold on a minute, how many of u actually tried to get in touch with me by phone? If u didn’t then I hate u too; if u did and couldn’t reach me I love u too, but have one li’l question: ever heard of some invention called email?
In all honesty, I doubt if I’da had the opportunity to respond to ur emails ‘cos, well, er, let’s just say I can’t talk about it, much less blog about it for the world to read. U see it goes a li’l something like this: On Friday the
Anyways, it was while on the chopper (that’s helicopter not bicycle) to this ‘surprise’ we were told that we’d be away for 2 weeks. 2 friggin’ weeks…but I haven’t called my family……I have hired some female interior decorator (not my type by the way) to ‘pimp’ my crib and wanna see what she’s done….oh man, I didn’t bring a deodorant, no toothbrush either…..no spare underwear…no hair clippers, okay maybe that might not be such a bad thang as I finally get to reenact the movie Castaway. Ha. 2 weeks without shaving, sweeeeettttttt…hey, didn’t pack my nose hair tweezers…..oh my, no nose hair tweezers……I want my mommy….I want my mommy…. I woke up from my daydream by the guy next to me screaming. Talk about a biatch ass scream. “Oh no”, he shouted. “The R.I.G. (pronounced rig)! They are taking us to the R.I.G! I thought it was an urban myth, but it’s actually true. Oh no. Let me out. Let me out!”
Family news: Spoke to Chief (my dad) on the phone last Friday and dude told me he’s made Kinzo a director in one of the family businesses. Either Chief’s getting old or dude’s finally decided to let go of the reins a tad bit. Good on Kinzo. Ever since he left his bank job to work in the family business he’s been like my dad’s right arm. Well, guess my dad had no choice as Kinzo’s the only kid who volunteered. Ha. Anyways, as Kinzo was beside my dad I asked to speak with him and congratulated him on his impending Big Boy status. Yup, I’m on track to achieving the PH Big Boy staus, and now Kinzo’s holding down Lagos…..if only we can convince either Loye or Jide to move to the North then we could be on the covers of Naija tabloid mags for years to come. Next stop, world domination. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO*
So after a few words I tease Kinzo that since his income’s bulging he’s got no more excuses for avoiding marriage. Dude laffed and agreed with me. U what? If there’s anything guaranteed to raise Kinzo’s blood pressure, it’s talk of marriage; yet this dude’s actually joking about it? Talk about shock and awe. As if my dad knew what we were conversating about; right on cue the dude screamed from the other end of the room, “Yeah, I have told him that if he doesn’t get married in the next year he’s gonna get fired.” We all laffed over it, but I bet my bad was thinking to himself, “Woah, I am a genius. So all it takes to push these guys outta my house is raising their profile and paying them a bit more bucks. I’da thot about that ages ago. Now if I can just convince the others to come work for me…….(places pinky finger on edge of lower lip) Ha huh ha huh ha……Ha huh ha huh ha”
More family news: My other brother Ayo on the other hand might be the last dude to get married. Remember him from a few blog entries ago? Yup, the one with the proclivity for long-distance relationships and acquiring Nigerian girlfriends with UK and US passports. Anyways, got an email from the dude today informing me that he’s no longer with his girlfriend (US passport) – they were still together when he visited Nigeria 2 months ago – and he’s now ‘kicking’ it with his ex from 2003 (UK passport). “I don tire for these women and their stress, even chick I’m kicking it with dey get brain touch now and then. All’s not so bad though, as one of my guys wants to hook me up with this Naija chick studying for her Ph.D.” ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO* Didn’t bother asking what passport this future ex-girlfriend-to-be wields. I know better.
Yet more family news: Mom’s currently in the UK visiting my sis and her family. Man, I miss my 3 year old nephew. Spoke to him on the phone the other day and dude actually called me by my name. Awwwwwwwww. No more “unkel tuga” or “chunkel wunde”. Now if I can just get him to say “Superfragilisticespealidocious” real fast in the next 5 months I’da accomplished my avuncular tasks & targets for the year. FYI I take full credit for teaching the dude how to walk. While in the UK I spent loadsa time teaching him to roll over like a dog and dude musta got so many carpet burns he decided the fastest way to get me to leave him alone was to start walking. Yes, y’all have my permission to try this technique on ur li’l ones.
Relationship news: Yes, Isha and I are still madly in love with each other…..at least I think that’s what she said to me while watching CNN the other day.
Yeah, almost forgot: Remember my 3 phonecalls and u out rule? (Actually, it’s been reduced to 2 phonecalls since I became a PH big boy). A few PLATONIC female friends have complained about it and all I can say is shigata ga nai. (That’s Japanese in case y’all wannabe polyglots are interested). C’mon peeps, if someone’s playing that hard to get then she probably ain’t interested in the first place. Anyways, this topic came to the fore last week when a female mate regaled me in a phone conversation she had had earlier that day. “This guy got my number from a colleague and pleaded that I talk to my close friend on his behalf. He’s been after her for 3 years, and though she’s gone out with other guys during that time, this dude’s still hanging on. Isn’t that sooooooooo romantic? U never find guys like that these days. He reckons the girl’s not giving him the time of day ‘cos her stepmom’s against them hooking up since they are from different parts of the country…” Of course I stated my point that the dude probably has sumthing up his sleeve for waiting that friggin’ long, or he ain’t telling her the whole story. Like the relationship guru I am the chick called me some days later complaining, “Man, I lost my temper with that dude. He’a loser, a weakling, he’d move on with his life. When he called outta the blue about my mate I told him to call me back over the weekend so I’d talk to her. Do u know this bozo called me about 50 times on Saturday, and I hadn’t even spoken to my mate yet? When I told her about it she told me more stuff about the dude that convinced her he was psycho.” I rest my case. I know most peeps love to show off when they’re proven right about stuff, but since I am always right I’ve chosen to take the high road….and put it in a blog. ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO*
Okay from the paragraph above y’all might think I am cold-hearted bastard, but y’all couldn’t be further from the truth. Like Ray Charles I love country music ‘cos they got such great stories, especially of long lasting love. One of my favorites is P.S. This is Austin (click here for lyrics), a song by Brad Paisley, that tells the story of some dude who felt for some chick for almost a year after she dumped him that he expressed this in his voicemail. Beautiful, beautiful song. After some relationship that ended awkwardly 6,8,12 (click here for lyrics) by Brian McKnight was set on repeat on my CD player. See, I am sappy like that. Thang is musicians are paid to sing/write songs that appeal to our heartstrings and they cool to listen to/cry to/take a poo to, but one’s gotta be a realist as well. 3 friggin’ years man! Even Forrest Gump knew to leave Jenny alone after a while.
Oh yeah, another mate just got engaged. Man, I’m running outta single friends. Lol…maybe it’s time I started keeping track of the folk NOT engaged. Of course, there’s always punk ass Miguel. Ha. A li’l bird told me dude moved from the ATL to ____________ (I swore not to tell….but shall for a candy bar) ‘cos all his Naija buddies have made honest women outta their girlfriends and dude’s still messing about. Miguel, if u reading this – and I know u are ‘cos I’ve seen ur punk ass comments - u know u’d always go back to K__________ (I’m dying to tell, send me the candy bar please), the African American wrestler. OBTW Lady T says hello.
Local political news: A gubernatorial aspirant for Lagos State, Eng. Funso Williams was assassinated at his home last week. Man, and the primaries haven’t begun yet. Lord, help us in this country. Please pray for his family. OBJ vowed to catch the killers – hey, didn’t he say the same about Bola Ige? – and read a newspaper report about detectives from the Met in the UK being brought in to help with forensics. Let’s pray it yields fruit this time.
Global political news: The Israelis are still intent on redesigning the landscape of Lebanon. Everyone has called for a ceasefire but the US hasn’t. Using similar childhood analogy as last blog entry – hmmmm, shrinks would find that interesting. “Mr. Odeyemi, during our session today we’ll delve into ur childhood.” – Hezbollah is the playground bully everyone wants a piece of but they too scared to engage him for some reason or the other; Israel’s like that scrawny kid who’s recently discovered the joys of pumping iron and decides to take on the big bad bully; while Lebanon’s the school playground. U still with me? Good. So the fight starts and after a few punches are thrown former scrawny kid suddenly discovers the bully ain’t as tough as expected, so starts showing off by doing a few Muhammed Ali shuffles on the playground. The bully’s mates (Syria and Iran) try to help out, but other kids (the rest of the world) are so surprised – and a tad bit glad - at what’s happening they hold them off. After a few minutes it gets real bloody and the other kids, as well as bully’s mates, call for a stop to the fighting. However, former scrawny kid’s best mate (yup, the USA) pretends to pull scrawny kid off bully, but actually ends up throwing a few haymakers himself. Phew! My new book Global politics for dummies can be found at any good bookstore.
Entertainment news: Lance Bass (of NSYNC) - yeah the one with the upturned eyebrows, as if he’s forever surprised - says he’s gay....and has always been. He said he didn’t come out when he was in NSYNC ‘cos he wasn’t sure how fans would react. Awwwwwww. Wait a minute, hasn’t NSYNC been over for ages, why the dude bursting outta the closet now? Er, u see, dude’s got a sitcom coming out (yes, pun intended) soon. In it he stars as a gay guy who…….forget it, I lost interest after he opened his mouth and the ‘controversy sells’ bone flew out (yes, another pun) faster than he’d say, “Look, Justin’s a great success and ain’t no way he’s gonna wanna start up the band again. I’d better get myself (and eyebrows) a job.”
This brings me to a question a mate asked ages ago: Would u rather be a has been or a never been? Can’t remember if I’ve ever discussed this in previous blog entries, but it’s a question that always stayed in my head. Think about it, would rather be a Vanilla Ice who’s tasted fame and fortune or same ol’ u? Problem with has beens is except u Gary Coleman ain’t no way u gonna wanna take a ‘regular’ job after ur career’s in the dumps and u have no other source of income. That’s why Vanilla Ice has disgraced himself in reality shows on both sides of the Atlantic. Dude was involved in Celebrity Boxing by FOX (who else?) where Todd Bridges kicked his ass and handed him an ice pack (geddit? geddit? oh forget yous) afterwards. If that wasn’t bad enuff saw dude on some reality show on British TV freestyling while cooking in the kitchen. U’da seen the look on a fellow celeb’s face while Ice is rhyming “I slice like a knife / Grab ur life……..”. Yeah, yeah, Ice, no one’s gonna give u a record contract based on that. Want an idea for a reality show? Have a camera follow broke celebrities as they have to er, explain to their bodyguards and entourages that they cannot afford to hire them any longer. Now that’s a reality show I would watch.
In other entertainment news Mel Gibson was caught driving under the influence. The arresting officers didn’t buy the excuse that his bottle of water miraculously changed to wine. Lol…man, I kill myself. I need my own friggin’ TV show.
R.I.G. news: Sorry peeps, I know u were wondering why I abruptly switched topics after telling y’all about chopper ride. Did that ‘cos one of the R.I.G. guys was watching over my shoulder as I typed. U see R.I.G.’s like the Fight Club, u never talk about it. I’m taking a colossal risk here by telling y’all about it. See what I do for u guys? And no one even bothers to send me candy. Shame. Shame.
Like I was typing, the R.I.G.’s like the Fight Club, only we dance instead of fighting. Ever seen Breakdance or Electric Bugaloo? Well, it’s like that only…psst, think someone’s coming….okay they passed. Yeah, R.I.G.’s like Breakdance, only more intense and we hardly get any sleep. The R.I.G.’s always been in the professional male dancer’s folklore and most folk think it’s something dance instructors make up to keep their charges in line. “If u don’t twirl properly, I’ll send u to the R.I.G.” Now I know it’s true. Everything’s so true. Boo hoo…I’da listened to my friends and not left Lagos for PH…..boo hoo….oh what am I gonna do now….boo hoo….psst, I hear some footsteps. I shall TRY and get access to another PC soon so I can tell y’all what really goes on here. Tot ziens and God bless.
PS
This just in: Cousin just informed me I’m the RSVP at her impending wedding. Just shoot me right now. Host (Alo’s wedding), Best man (Femi’s wedding), Host (Dapo’s wedding), Groom’s man (Ike’s wedding), now RSVP (Ese’s wedding). Yup, I’ve been to the altar more times than J.Lo.
PPS
Just in case y’all were wondering ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO* = Rolling On The Floor Laffing My Blistered Right Ass Cheek Off While Dressed In Amazingly Awful Orange Overalls. U shall understand better in next blog entry.
1 Comments:
Crazy does not even describe u!
Post a Comment
<< Home