I know u like to think ur s$#t don’t stink, but lean a little closer and u’ll find...Hey, u are right; ur s$#t REALLY don’t stink (Part 2)

Hola peeps. ¿Dónde estaba i? Yes, was telling y’all about life on the R.I.G. Man, I must apologize if I came across as Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner. Thang is I was kinda apprehensive, scared even, about the whole experience. Man, I have so much to tell u guys. I’ve learned to love the R.I.G., okay some parts of it, and almost sound like Allan Sherman’s Camp Grenada (check out lyrics here). Before I delve into specifics y’all must promise not to tell anyone . I wasn’t kidding when I said this place’s like the Fight Club. U must never, ever, ever talk about the R.I.G. Capisci? Good. Okay here goes……nah, first let’s learn about what happening in the world.

Local political news: Nigeria’s erstwhile Finance Minister resigned from her post as the Minister of Foreign Affairs ‘cos, among other reasons, she needed to spend time with her family. The President “regrettably” accepted her resignation and thanked her for a job well done. Some reporters suggested she was seconded from the Finance Ministry after her unwillingness to support OBJ’s Third term bid – yes, we back on that again. Either OBJ’s the most vindictive guy alive – yes, even worse than a combo of Kaizer Sozë and those guys in Kung Fu movies whose master’s been murdered – or our journalists are the laziest bunch of hacks alive.

Global political news: Fidel Castro provisionally handed power to his bro Raul after he underwent for intestinal surgery. Next thing u know I’m watching CNN – to see Isha of course – and they show Miami where folk are dancing the merengue and having a good ol’ time at the news.Man, Cuban folk interviewed in Miami really ‘let their side down’. What are the odds of the CNN reporters picking on the three dumbest Cubans in Miami to answer questions? Answers ranged from “He’s dead…I know Fidel is dead…it don’t matter what the doctors say” to “Er, am I on TV? Cool….see the way I am dancing, see how I do the cha cha? Er, maybe, er, now that he is ill, er, maybe, er, what was the question again?” ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO*

In related news (that might force the US’s hands on the embargo malarkey) vast quantities of oil and gas reserves have been discovered off the Cuban coastline. Did someone say chicken?

Israel and Hezbollah still ain’t backing down. While reading a book some months ago I read that Hezbollah means Party of God. Hey, how can u call urself Party of God and all ye do is murder folk? Just like the MEND (Movement for the Emancipation of Niger Delta) folk we got in Nigeria. I understand what they trying to accomplish, but can’t help but think they’ve chosen the wrong path. First things first, they gotta change that name to reflect what they really do; I mean once u hear the word ‘mend’ u think it’s a society of haberdashers/carpenters/upholsters/cobblers/doctors. Here are a few name suggestions based on a Branding 101 class I took in college:

1. ROT = Reign Of Terror
2. MAFIA = Mend Arrested for False and Improper Advertising
3. DESTROY = Delta Emancipators Seeking To Ruin Other Youth
4. KILL = Kidnap Is Liable Leverage
5. HELL = Hostile Emancipators Lurking Low

U see a name change’s always guaranteed to get u more attention. For e.g. Reginald Dwight to Elton John, Eric Blair to George Orwell, Katie Holmes to Kate ‘I was impregnated by my grandpa’ Holmes-Cruise, Larry Fishburne to Laurence ‘I hope white people take me more seriously now and stop confusing me with that Samuel L. Jackson fella’ Fishburne; Prince to ‘symbol’ to er, Prince; Puff Daddy to P. Diddy; Osama bin Laden to Osama been Hiding to O. Diddy.

Above paragraph reminds me of a club I visited in Leeds called Heaven and Hell. I remember the name ‘cos went on a Saturday and kept thinking to myself, “Damn, shouldn’t I be in bed getting ready for church tomorrow? Not gonna look at any women. Must not look at women. Must not fornicate, die and go to hell.” After I left the club I called my bro Akin (Kinzo) and we both cracked up ‘cos name of club reminded us of a Beachland joke. U see Kinzo had seen some cartoon where a dog called Bingo had been chasing stubborn kittens around all day. Kittens climbed up a tree and commenced throwing stuff at tired Bingo. They had so much fun doing this they didn’t notice when the branch broke and they tumbled down. As they fell to the earth Bingo couldn’t resist quipping, “My o my, kittens from heaven!” Now none of us (other males in the age group) have ever seen that cartoon and we not sure if Kinzo made it up, but for some reason it always cracked us up. Anyways, as is the way with these things the joke/story evolved and we ended up referring to each other’s girlfriends as Bingos, and classifying them based on looks: a good-looking chick would be tagged as a Bingo from heaven and a not-so-fine chick would be classified as a Bingo from hell. Taxonomy for an average-looking chick? Well, we thot of that as well; she’d be known as a Bingo stuck between heaven and hell. Hey, don’t blame us, then we were just kids…….….in our 20s!

Entertainment news: Jennifer Aniston said she’d not be opposed to shooting a special Thanksgiving episode of Friends as she “always had lots of fun during our Thanksgiving episodes”. Chances are the other cast members would be equally keen as only Matthew Perry’s got a buzz-worthy project at the mo. Hold on a minute, would Jennifer be so magnanimous if she was still America’s sweetheart and Brad was still in her life? I don’t think so. Man, women can be cold at times. If Brad was a regular guy who cheated on his wife with his co-worker women all over the world would be all up in arms, but ‘cos he’s Brad Pitt, hot movie star, nobody said squat. Same happened with Bruce and Demi (in fact they picked on the poor woman when she hooked up with Ashton), Tom and Nicole, and Harrison Ford and his wife. No wonder women could never Nigeria; they’d be too busy settling old scores and stuff.

Mel Gibson’s been charged with drunk driving and is in HUGE trouble for the anti-Semitic slurs (pun intended….not to worry some of u’ll get the joke 2 weeks from now) made to the Jewish arresting officer. He apologized for his behavior and stated that he’s not a bigot, just has a drinking problem. If there’s any folk u’d not mess with, apart from OBJ, it’s the Jews. Doesn’t this dude know what’s going on in Lebanon? Anyways, dude really messed up ‘cos all folk coming out from the woodwork criticizing his past behavior. On CNN – sadly, Isha wasn’t on – some gay advocacy group criticized Mel for portrayal of gay xters in his movies. Apparently Braveheart’s called No Heart in the gay community. Miaaaooooowwww. Surprised Chinese folk didn’t say stuff about his ‘flied lice’ comment in Lethal Weapon 4. Another fallout from this was Mel’s project on the Holocaust - now that’s ironic - that got cancelled by ABC. While discussing this with a mate dude affirmed that folk really say what they mean when they drunk – I can’t recall that far back – and ended with the killer line, “With what comes outta George Bush’s mouth now, can u imagine what he’d REALLY say if he were drunk?” Forget reality series I pitched in last blog entry I’d give away my lucky green thongs just to watch a TV show based on what world rulers would say when inebriated.

A few years ago some African American comedian said, “I don’t believe a man should ever lay a hand on a woman. I mean women can get on our last nerve and I know u tempted to hit them sometimes, but u shouldn’t……….I’d advocate choking them for a few seconds though, just so they know not to mess with u….” ROTFLMBRACOWDIAAOO* Well, read on cnn.com – hey, Isha’s got me addicted – last week an interview Jada Pinkett-Smith granted. “Will and I have visited Tom and Kate twice since the birth and Suri’s the cutest little thing. She’s daddy’s little girl and Tom cannot help being around her…….” And this concerns the rest of the world in what way? So this is what passes for news now, huh? Will, please if u reading, give Jada a 5-second choke just so she knows not to distract my web-surfing time ever again.

Oprah’s defended her relationship with Gayle King by insisting they are not lovers, just close friends who call each other at least 4 times a day. “Believe me, if I was gay do u think I’d have a problem letting people know?”, she stated. For the record I don’t think Oprah’s gay, but the fact that she issued that statement just confirms what I always suspected all along: Steadman’s the unluckiest man alive. Unlike Brad, Bruce, etc mentioned above if Steadman ever cheated on/dumped Oprah women would hunt him down and roast him over a camp fire. Yup, that’s how much women love Oprah.
OBTW I think the Unluckiest Guys Alive award should be shared with Michael Douglas’s male kids. Why? Wanna tell me they don’t have mad crushes on their step-mom Catherine? Even day dreaming about her’s a no-no for them. If it’s any consolation Oedipus had the same problem.

Lance Bass’s POPping outta the closet kinda signaled the death of a theory I had about gay guys and the way most seem to talk with the same lisp. If I recall he was the one in NSYNC with the baritone voice, so what gives? Except he did a Milli Vanilli and mimed every song I’m gonna have to do further research on my new book: All Area Boys have the same gruff voices; All Gay Guys talk with same lisp. Coincidence?

PH news I forgot to tell y’all: Yeah, forgot to thank y’all for ur prayers on roaches, but would beg y’all to stop ‘cos though I see no more roaches another ‘pet’ has invaded my premises: wall geckos. (Do geckos eat roaches? If so, I’m really training them as pets.) “Hey, every home has geckos”, u say. Well, I ask thee, how dumb must a gecko be - can’t they be like that one in the GEICO commercials? - to get stuck in a bath tub? Got home the other day and found this gecko trying to climb out of my bathtub and failing miserably ‘cos of the surface. I helped it out using a broom and went back to tweezing my nose hairs. As if that wasn’t bad enuff 2 days later found another (tinier) gecko struggling to get out of my loo. Now y’all know how I value sitting on the white throne and to top it all off I really had to do a #2 at the time so had to set a precedent b4 my bathroom becomes like Ace Ventura’s. Ain’t no way I was gonna help this gecko out as well, so flushed the loo. Don’t blame me. If his bro/uncle/dad/relative from few days back hadn’t informed him about the difficulty of climbing outta that surface then he deserved to swim with the fishes. Besides, they called WALL geckos, what were they doing in my loo?

R.I.G. news……..finally: Where do I begin? First day we got here chopper landed on the nearest island, cell phones were confiscated, and we were separated into two teams. My team was handed orange overalls and thought we’d be participating in a game of paintball, u know team-building activity like. Boy, was I wrong. We were transported to the R.I.G. by boat and all I was thinking was, “Man, these overalls stink like crazy.” Got to the R.I.G. and we were ushered into rooms. My room was colder than Shaq’s relationship with Kobe……in winter. I quickly jumped in the shower and spent over an hour over lovely hot water. Aaaaaaah. U’da seen the water cascade down my six-pack and……..sorry, did I just use the word ’cascade’? When did I turn into a romance novelist? My estrogen level must be up. I knew I’d not have let the chick at the spa convince me into waxing my chest hair.

Anyways after the first day it dawned on me what I’d gotten myself into. How can I properly describe what life on the R.I.G. is like? Ur bed gets made, laundry gets done and delivered to u before day runs out, room and bathroom gets cleaned, etc. It’s almost like Eddie Murphy’s life in Coming To America, only without nubile ladies catering to ur every whim. Speaking of ladies, there are none allowed here. None whatsoever. Oh the pain, the pain.When I was told about it I thot it was a joke, but after the first day I started having panic attacks. 2 weeks without the sight of women, how am I gonna cope? Who am I gonna flirt with? Arrrgggghhhh. U know how people say money makes the world go round? They wrong. WOMEN make the world go round. Never knew I’d miss the company of women this bad. Panic attacks got worse as the days progressed and was so bad when I saw a report of peeps bloodied at a political rally in the DR Congo I thot to myself, “Man, why are we so backward in Africa? Why should one send thugs to destabilize one’s opponent’s political gathering? Look at all those people bleeding. Look at the poor girl’s face. LOOK AT HER FACE! Man, never knew they had fine chicks like this in DR Congo. Maybe I’d visit there on next vacation. Hey, always wanted to see other African countries. Man, look at her face. Did u see the way blood cascaded down her soft cheeks?” Yeah, it was that bad.

Life on the R.I.G. is also like boarding school, nah, more like a prison. U get woken up at 5am to practice dancing after only getting 3 hours sleep, if any at all. Man, it’s tough. Few days ago I refused to get up ‘cos it was raining outside and guy running the R.I.G. came into my room with a bullhorn. After bursting my ear drums I got hauled outside by the security guards.

Bullhorn guy: SO U THINK U BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, HUH? EVERYONE’S PRACTISING AND UR EXCUSE FOR NOT SHOWING UP’S ‘COS IT’S RAINING?
Tunde (still groggy): Yup, u just about captured it.
Bullhorn guy: OH, WE’VE GOT A SMART MOUTH IN OUR MIDST. EVERYONE GO INSIDE, THIS SMART PUNK’S GONNA BE LEFT HERE.
Tunde: Suit urself.
Bullhorn guy: THAT DOES IT. GO AHEAD SHOW ME WHAT U GOT. I HEAR U GOT THOSE HOUSEWIVES IN PH PAYING THRU THEIR NOSES TO SEE U DANCE. SHOW ME WHAT U GOT.
Tunde: Can’t be bothered. Besides, u expect me to dance in the rain? For free? Do I look like I’m shooting a pop video where some chick’s left me and I’m trying my best to convey to the public how hurt I am, a la Usher, Ray-J, Omarion, Backstreet Boys and every other boy-band that ever existed? Whatever, dude. U’ve seen the movie U Got Served, right? As if the movie wasn’t crap enuff they had to go into mass cliché mode by showing Omarion and Marques Houston (in split screen no less) practicing in the rain even though they had homes. In reality both woulda spent that $50k prize money on hospital bills to treat pneumonia.
Bullhorn guy: MAN, DO U EVER SHUT UP?! DANCE NOW!
Tunde: Niet. Nope. No. Non.
Bullhorn guy: I SEE. WELL, I’LL JUST HAVE TO RIP THIS PICTURE OF ISHA SESAY FOUND UNDER UR PILLOW. THOT I TOLD U NO WOMEN ALLOWED. HA. HA.
Tunde (pleading like a biiiaaatch): Stop. Stop. I’ll dance. I’ll dance.

The thot of my losing Isha was too much for me. I started doing my thang. Brought out new moves I created, went old school on them as well by rolling out the snake, the penguin, the running man, the fork and knife, the moonwalk, the cabbage, the s$#t face (widely underrated dance step), the butterfly, and rounded up with the world-renowned Tunde booty shake where one ass cheek wiggles while the other’s static (patent pending). Was too busy shivering to soak in (geddit? Aw, forget yous) the applause. As I ran to my room to take a hot shower I overhead the Bullhorn guy say, “NEVER HAVE I SEEN SOMEONE THIS GOOD. FROM NOW ON Y’ALL MUST LEARN FROM HIM. FROM NOW ON Y’ALL MUST ADDRESS HIM AS A.D.S. (AWESOME DYNAMIC STEPPER). HE’S IN NOW IN COMMAND WHENEVER I’M NOT AROUND.”

So there u have it. Life as an A.D.S. on the R.I.G. is not so bad. I get phone and internet privileges and while the other dudes refer to me as ‘Sir’ I call them ‘mere mortals’. I also get the choicest meals money can buy. Man, I’d write a whole blog just on the food served here. Who needs those PH chicks or boli and fish when u fed like a king? We have breakfast, lunch, dinner, a midnite meal and 3 tea breaks (where pizza or hotdog’s served) a day……oh yeah, and throughout the day there’s freshly baked pastry to be consumed. U haven’t lived til u tasted the cheese cake here. Man, oh man. Downside to this is my six-pack’s disappearing rapidly. I remember when I was younger and started out in this line of work. I’d eat all the junk in the world, but would never put on weight. Fellow dancers would compliment me on this and I’d respond by telling them it’s all due to my excellent genes. ‘Cos of that later changed my stage name to GG-TJ (Good Genes in Them Jeans). Man, good ol’ days. Anyways, scared if I don’t get outta here soon I’d go from washboard stomach to Busta Rhymes in no time. Lol…u seen how much weight that dude’s put on in the Touch It video. Maybe he’d change his name from Busta Rhymes to Busta open every bag of Doritos I lay my hands on or maybe dude should learn to Busta Open An Exercise video now and then. Man, I kill myself. I really should be on TV!

Typical day as an A.D.S. involves waking up earlier than the mere mortals, eating, attending meetings, eating, creating reports, eating, and instructing dance classes. Initially wasn’t too keen on this early start to the day ‘til I was asked to speak at a 5am meeting. When I opened my mouth I thot someone had switched on a Barry White CD. Man, love my voice this early in the morning. Wish I had a cell phone with me so I’d record a new voicemail in this baritone voice. Man, if only I knew folk who’d be awake at 5am I’d call just to show off my voice. Vin Diesel’s got nada on me.

For the first few days on R.I.G. woke up late so didn’t have time to brush teeth before rushing off to meetings. While instructing a class last week it occurred to me that I hadn’t had a shower or brushed my teeth all day (and it was 4pm at the time). Then, realized my breath didn’t stink nor did my body even though I had been dancing all day. Suddenly, it hit me: I actually smell quite good. Guess deodorants and colognes have obscured my nasal cavities all these years. Cool. My fart even has a certain Le D’Issey thang going for it. Yup, my s$#t REALLY don’t stink. Even better, I think R.I.G.’s making me look younger. My pores are opening up and skin’s got a lovely sheen to it. That not proof enuff for y’all? The lone gray strand of hair in my soul patch has completely vanished. Serious. The R.I.G. might just be the answer to eternal youth!

Another plus about the R.I.G. is the different nationalities I’ve met in past 2 weeks.

1. There’s the Caucasian dude from the US who’s been in Naija for so long he has a Nigerian accent and refers to other Caucasians as “white man” or “oyinbo”;
2. the New Zealander who laffs like the Tazmanian Devil and was overheard saying, “I used to fornicate a lot between my 2 marriages”;
3. the Canadian whose wife refuses to wear hearing aids even though she’s got poor hearing and the hearing aids cost the dude an arm and a leg. “Now I gotta bloody shout down the phone eh, every time I talk to her eh.” He also hates those from Quebec. “They add nothing to Canada eh. Bloody frogs eh”;
4. the Maltan who cusses a lot and gesticulates worse than an Italian footballer. “I am f$#king 44 and I am f$#king grandfather. U see my daughter f$#ked up when she was 14 and got f$#king preggers. U know what? I love the f$#king baby now more than my f$#king daughter.”

I love these guys man. However, not having women around has also made me sloppy. Usually after a meal I’d run to the bathroom to make sure I had nada stuck in my teeth; now I don’t care anymore. Call me vain, but that bathroom rush thang started after a mate had some vegetable stuck in his teeth all morning, and didn’t tell him ‘cos I thot it was hilarious. Hey, I was in my teens then. Funniest thang was when dude was asked what he had had for breakfast he said, “oh just the usual, Cornflakes and Orange juice”. Man, that brought the house down. Dude couldn’t for the life of him figure out what we were cracking up about. Ah good times, good times.

Absolutely hate the ugly orange overalls we forced to wear. Kinda reminds me of stuff Missy Elliot (in the 90s) or early-mid 90s R&B groups would wear. Man, that era sure had ugly female groups: Xscape, Total (okay maybe Keisha was a Bingo from heaven), SWV, Jade, group that sang “I’m a 90s Girl”, Brownstone, Zhane. Man, no wonder I was a serious weed head then.

Saddest thang about all the trappings of fame on the R.I.G. is there’s no one to share it with. Isha’s all the way in the US and I’m here in the middle of nowhere. Sob. Sob. Boo hoo. Do u know that last week I started humming a tune to myself and couldn’t for the life of me place where I heard it. It wasn’t ‘til yesterday I recalled the lyrics: My phone’s on vibrate for u / I ………. (dunno the lyrics here) / I tried to dance to Britney Spears / I guess I’m getting old in years. It was from the episode of NIP/TUCK where Christian Troy turned 40 and there was no one, but his adopted baby to spend the day with. Go figure. Off to practise dancing in the shower. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Time on the R.I.G.’s made me realize everyone needs that special person in their life. As soon as I get off here I’m proposing to Isha. Yup, y’all heard me. I’m gonna do it…..maybe. Lol. Guess I got thinking about it after I saw an interview of Jane Fonda on Parkinson. This woman who set men’s hearts fluttering in her heyday lamented about the pain of loneliness. Woah. Maybe that’s why Jude Law did all those movies after he broke up with Sadie Frost, and Nicole Kidman did all those back-to-back movies non-stop after Tom dumped her. U watch, now that she’s married to fellow Aussie Keith Urban she’ll take it easy on those movies and try to outshine Tom and Kate by getting preggers with twins. U just watch. Er, if my theory about Nicole’s right, and y’all know I’m always right, what’s Samuel L. Jackson’s excuse for shooting all those movies? Maybe his wife nags a lot.

PPS
Yeah, forgot to tell y’all that I attended fellowship on the R.I.G. Take this however u want to, but both testimonies were about safe delivery of children. The second guy informed us that his wife just gave birth to their sixth (!) child. Man, the absence of women on the R.I.G. might really have an adverse effect on the government’s efforts to curb Nigeria’s growing population.