EGYPT

Hola peeps. ¿Cualquiera hacia fuera allí desea conseguir casada? Prometo que seré un buen marido. How was ur weekend? Yet another wedding by a mate on Saturday, but couldn’t make it as the venue was all the way in Ibadan. Man, I wish I’da gone though. Just so much fun to see all these folk getting hitched. Not so much for Miguel though. Lol…when I told y’all dude was desperate to get married y’all thot I was joking, right?

Another blog starting with marriage u say? Well, don’t blame me, maybe it’s just my way of telling the world that I am indeed ready to get hitched………as if. Actually, the topic came up after a conversation with a friend acquaintance yesterday. She’s…hmmm, come to think of it I dunno this chick’s age. Okay, it’s safe to say she’s >25 years old. Point is u’d sense the joy in her voice when she told me her boyfriend had proposed to her. Don’t know her too well, but I can bet as soon as she agreed to his proposition she musta thought, “Phew. Finally, I am not gonna be a bridesmaid forever. Now I can placate the rest of my single friends who are desperate to get married with the trite tripe, ’Oh not to worry, a good man will come along soon enough.’ I’m free, I’m free, I’m free. I cannot wait ‘til Monday to show off my new rock.”

Earlier in the week I received an email from another friend in the UK. She’s…..now this is getting ridiculous. I’ve known this chick for about 10 years and dunno her true age. What’s up with women withholding their ages?! C’mon, please! Woosah…wooosah. Anyways, this friend of mine sent an email pouring her heart out about how difficult it is to find a decent black man. First reaction was to crack a joke about the advantages of being a man and the benefits of polygamy, but curbed that urge. See, I am learning. Really felt for this chick ‘cos even though she’s British she reminds me of most Naija chicks in diaspora: reasonably successful, got their own homes, seem to have no obvious flaws, but they desperately need a BLACK man that’s willing to be exclusive with them alone. Actually know a Naija chick who moved from the UK ‘cos she got tired of the same ol’ same ol’ and felt “there are no decent Naija guys in the UK anymore.” Awwwww….would u like some WHINE with that cheese; or maybe u’d wanna listen to a Mario WHINEans CD?

The thang is I’ve noticed this phenomenon around most black women (African American, British, African) and think it’s my duty as ur fav blogger – I’d better be ur fav blogger or else!!!!! – to state some facts that might help alleviate those heart palpitations the next time u receive a wedding invite from that friend – u know, the one with so many skeletons in her cupboard she’d be an undertaker - u thot would be the last person to get married:

1. Guys are programmed differently from y’all. Most women have been planning their weddings since they turned 5, but guys generally make the decision to get hitched almost overnight. Why do u think I wear a ring on my pinky finger? So just in case I make up some morning and feel like getting married I’d propose to the first good-looking chick (with a good job) I see. Hey, I love living on the edge.

2. Two words: Interracial dating. Always couldn’t for the life of me get why some black women would diss black guys as being punk ass ne’er-do-wells, then turn around and get upset when they see black guys with someone from another race. I mean if they so bad u’d be pleased some other woman wants their knuckle heads. Guess this is not much of a problem with Naija chicks in Naija ‘cos all they got is black guys. But to y’all black chicks in diaspora, why the aversion to date folk of a different race?

Okay maybe I’d stop joking about this ‘cos I know how serious it is. If u reading this and really fretting about finding a partner all I can say is chill. I know it sounds trite, but us guys could be blind at times (okay most times), but e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y we’ll see the light and see what we’ve been missing out on all this while. If u take something away from this blog though let it be this: don’t let ur desperation show. Years ago, there was this chick that asked me for my genotype on first date. I’m sure she had valid reasons for this line of questioning. For example, she might wanna make sure I was of a compatible genotype before deciding to invest in a relationship, or she might be a vampire with a penchant for a particular blood type. Needless to say this chick, who was subsequently nicknamed ‘Bloody’ by one of my smart-alec brothers, was erased from the potential girlfriend radar..

Now contrast Bloody’s story with that of Miss G who I met in the ATL. When we met I was 26 and she was 31 and even though it was the ATL (which has a 10:1 ratio of girls to guys, and that’s being conservative) this chick wouldn’t ‘settle’ like most chicks in the ATL, i.e. hoping that dude they’re dating would choose them out of the 5 other chicks he’s dating. During one of our numerous conversations she said, “I know I’m at that point in life when women my age start to fret about marriage, and I know I might never get married, but there’s no way some guy’s gonna be with me and be with other women. If he can’t be with just me, then I’ll be fine all by myself”. Man, that blew me away. There is nothing more appealing than someone who’s ready to stand by what she believes in. If I wasn’t a broke graduate student and she’d been ready to move to Naija I swear I’da married her, much to my mom’s chagrin. “How can u marry an African American, let alone one who’s 5 years older than u?! O Lord, where did I fail? I knew I’d not have let him go to America”, she woulda screamed. Lol……man, that woulda been hilarious. Hmmmmmm, come to think of it maybe I’d give Miss G a call. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Bumped into an old mate from boarding school few days ago. She’s been married 5 years and is currently preggers with her second child. Man, I’m old. If I remember correctly I used to have a li’l crush on her ‘cos as soon as she told me who she was – hey, u can’t blame me, 14 years is a long time – I immediately blurted out her birthday. Peeps, in case u don’t know I have this uncanny ability to remember inconsequential stuff like faces; events; birthdays; first movie I saw with a chick, possibly what the chick was wearing; li’l facts that escape minds of saner people; etc. That’s why I keep telling y’all I’d be a great husband……okay, if happiness in a marriage consists of remembering anniversaries and in-law’s birthdays. Thang is I’m crap at names or things peeps tell me a few minutes before. Sad thang is peeps tend to think one is insensitive is one forgets their names. So in case I’ve done this to u I sincerely apologize. If it’s any consolation u are not in a class of ur own, and besides I’m working hard to solve this. Now, when I go out with a mate and someone introduces themselves I whisper person’s name to mate and ask them to remind me before the day’s over.

Yeah, back to old boarding school buddy. So, after squealing with delight that I recalled the day she was brought into this world, she does the ah-so-annoying married woman routine: “Oh I notice u don’t have a band on ur finger. Are u married? No? U should o. It’s the best thang that ever happened to me…..” Lol….I know she means well, but the not-so-subtle winks at her lady friend - who just happens to be….wait for it….SINGLE - was a bit OTT. Man, hope she’s not gonna try hook me up. Wait, she’s married and pregnant so I presume she cooks. Guess being hooked up over dinner at her place wouldn’t be so bad after all. Ha huh ha huh ha huh ha.

Yeah, speaking of hookups my bro-in-law called and said he knew this chick who’d be perfect for me. He said she’s a fine Igbo chick that works for a tabloid – the magazine I told y’all about, a few blog entries ago, that keeps tabs on Big Boys and Big Girls in Nigeria. I politely declined his offer for a number of reasons.

a. Her job. I mean it’d be ace to get my profile out there since I plan to run for President one day, and what better way than a girlfriend who writes for a top selling magazine. Problem is what if the relationship doesn’t work. Hell hath no fury like a woman whose articles get published every week. PH Big Boy dumps gorgeous, potential Pulitzer Prize-winning, girlfriend for primary school girls. Cites R.Kelly and Michael Jackson as heroes.

b. Her ethnic group. Y’all know I have no problem dating anyone from any part of the world, but to realize my Presidential ambitions an Igbo chick is not best suited right now. Lemme explain. Presidential elections in Nigeria are gonna take place next year and all we hear is some region of the country or other clamoring for the post ‘cos “it’s now our turn”. Is that what Nigeria needs now, a rotational presidency? What if the ‘chosen’ candidates from the selected region haven’t the gumption to do a good job? (More on that later) Anyways, if the Naija political bigwigs are still that backward thinking by the time I am ready to kick off my Presidential campaign it’d help to have all my cards in order. Peep this:

a. My dad’s Yoruba and from Ile-Ife, which is the supposed cradle of civilization. That’d placate the Nigerians from the West.
b. I grew up in Lagos, so that’s the West sorted as well.
c. My mom’s Delta Ibo, so that’s South-South sorted.
d. My best mate Mohammed is Hausa Muslim, so that’s got the North taken care of.
e. I went to boarding school in Warri and have worked in PH. This helps me to understand the pains of the people in the South-South, especially chicks in the University of Port Harcourt.
f. I have a Calabar brother-in-law so that further strengthens my South-South base.
g. Another brother-in-law’s from the East so folk there should be placated. If they complain further I’d be forced to play the Biafra card. U see my Ibo name’s Emeka, same as Ojukwu’s, the still-widely respected Igbo leader. Ojukwu studied in the UK, so did I; He’s got a beard, I have a goatee….and not opposed to growing a beard; He served in the Civil service and was paid pittance, I spent a year in NYSC getting paid bucks that’d make Kunta Kinte laugh at my punk ass; He served in the army, I did a stint as a cub scout; He married an ex-beauty queen, I’ve dated a few. Check mate, baby. Oh man, this is too easy.

At this point only folk with a grievance would be folk from the Middle Belt, and don’t think they would be mollified by the fact that I once had a roommate from Plateau State. That’s where I hold the trump card; if I do get married to a chick from the Middle Belt then that should satisfy a majority of Nigerians. Yes, yes, I know I’m a genius…….with a killer six-pack.

Global political news: After the kidnap of 2 of its soldiers by Hezbollah the Israeli Defense Minister swore to “rewind the clock on Lebanon by 20 years”, and by golly, dude’s keeping to his word. Most folk, including the UN, have criticized Israel for “disproportionate and excessive force” against Lebanon, but the Israelis don’t appear disturbed. Almost as if they’ve been waiting for an opportunity like this forever. This scenario kinda reminds me of my neighbor and I. This dude, along with my bro Akin, was responsible for whupping me black and blue when we were kids. These dudes would take our (smaller kids on the estate) bicycles and when we’d ask for it back they’d kick our asses. Anyways, the years roll by and I’m enrolled in boarding school where u gotta defend urself – was one of the smallest dudes in my year – so I got into fights with mates and those 1-2 years ahead of me. As a result, when I’d come home for the holidays I’d hope Akin or said neighbor would antagonize me so I’d get my revenge for all those years when I was beat down. Problem is at that point dudes were more interested in girls than bothering me. It still hurts ‘til this day that I’d not get my licks in. My neighbor’s now married with the cutest baby girl. Hmmmmm, maybe if I nick his daughter’s pacifier and let him know I did it we’d finally come to blows. Hmmmmmm, it’s a plan worth exploring when next I’m in Lagos.

Local political news: As mentioned above Nigerians stand to elect a new President next year. People say it’s time for folk from the South-South region to assume the post as they’ve never ruled the country before, even though Nigeria’s primary source of income (petroleum) is mostly explored there. One of the leading lights of this campaign is a South-South governor though in almost 8 years dude has nada to show as improvements in his state. Punk ass punks. Another equally appalling argument’s from the North. Folk there are saying it was agreed that after OBJ’s term ends the Presidency would rotate back to them. It was agreed?! What’s wrong with our so-called leaders? Is the Presidency a piece of pie to be shared as they deem fit, regardless of what the Nigerian populace thinks? Shame on them.

Entertainment news: Wasn’t it Aristotle that once said, “If ya papa no get money no be ya fault, but if ya papa-in-law no get money then u are to blame”? No, it was definitely Miguel that said it. Dumb punk. Anyways, I thought about Miguel’s saw after it was brought to my attention that Melanie B/G of the Spice Girls fame and Eddie Murphy of the Nutty Professor movies are an item. Apart from those black women (see above) who are happy a black male celeb’s finally dating a black (okay she’s mixed race, but let’s not tell them) woman I dunno know who else should be celebrating this. Both their careers are in the doldrums right now. Wouldn’t it behoove them to date folk with higher profiles or current successes? It was ‘cos of something like this I dumped Samantha Mumba from my list of crushes many years ago. Chick wasn’t doing much with her career at that point then makes it worse by showing up to the Spiderman 2 premiere in Leicester Square with friggin’ Sisqo, who by then had transmogrified from Sisqo the Dragon to Sisqo the Lizard to Sisqo back in Dru Hill hoping for one more hit to Sisqo who can’t afford any more hair dye.

PH news: Nada exciting happened over weekend, though went out for a bit on Friday with mate (and his brother, and their girlfriends). This time it was mate’s brother’s girlfriend’s turn to try hook me up with her friend. Chick wasn’t bad, but not my type. At this point is where a female friend of mine in Lagos would pull her hair out asking, “What’s ur friggin’ type? I always try to hook u up and that’s always ur answer. What’s ur friggin’ type u closeted gay guy?!” If I’m being honest I’d say that’s the perfect excuse to give when u don’t fancy the proposed hookup. Ha. To be honest not sure I have a “type”. If there’s anything I’d say all ex’s have had in common, apart from the fact that most of them wore glasses, I’d say it’s killer smiles – hey, maybe I’da been a dentist - and laughs. U what?! Yup, I’m a sucker for laughter as well. Yes, I know I’m weird. There was this girl who was a potential girlfriend-to-be, but for some reason I didn’t dig the way she laffed. It’s weird I know, but just couldn’t stand the laff. Saddest thang is I couldn’t tell her, I mean what use would that serve. We still close friends now, but anytime she laffs I just wanna pull my ear drums out.

Hey, some guys like full-figured women, others like skinny women. Me? I am a smile-and-laughter guy. So sue me. I’m not saying I’d totally reject a chick if I hate the way she laughs, but it’d be a factor to be considered. Going back to Black Spice Melanie B/G. Gorgeous chick, right? Good. Ever heard her laugh? Ugggghhhhh. Forget her laughter, ever heard her speak? When she conducts interviews u almost wanna tell her to shut up and sing her answers instead. Another example, Halle Berry. Now every man would agree that Halle’s stunning, with a beautiful smile. Ever heard her laugh? Man, it’s awful. Now would Halle’s awful laughter stop me from being her friggin’ doormat if she asked? Heck no. But if I was the last man on Earth and both Halle and Queen Latifah required my attention I’d give the Queen her dues first ‘cos she has a great laugh. Do u guys now get where I am coming from?

This is the point when female friend mentioned above would say, “Tunde, u are so superficial. How can u not go out with someone ‘cos of the way they laff?” Hey, wouldn’t y’all rather hear I’m single than celebrate at my wedding only to read some weeks later that PH Big Boy smothered his wife in her sleep ‘cos he couldn’t stand her laughter? C’mon be honest, how many of y’all would visit me in jail if the latter scenario took place? Exactly; just as I thot. If it’s any consolation I’m sure some women have rejected me ‘cos of similar “silly” reasons. There was this chick I met at a club in Bradford that was at least 6’ tall, and the reason she gave for not dancing with me was ‘cos I was too short. I responded with one of the corniest lines ever: “Is that all? By the time we are done dancing u’d look up to me.” Ugggghhhhhhh. Man, even thinking about that makes me wanna puke in my mouth. Lol…..in my defense that wasn’t an original Tunde line; gleaned it from a mate who’s vertically challenged and always fancied himself as a playa. Funniest thang about that incident? It actually worked. Chick cracked up and agreed to a dance. Dunno if she looked up to me at the end of the night, but I can bet that’s one of her fav cocktail party stories.

More PH news: Last Thursday (13th July) was Nengi’s birthday so showed up at her mate’s – where she’s staying for the week – and there was no food. Her excuse? “The main party’s tomorrow night. There’ll be food and drinks and all.” C’mon. Almost retrieved the present I got her. And to think I skipped out on lunch that day just ‘cos I thought she’d cook. Man, Nengi and I are gonna have to reevaluate our relationship. Her mom can throw down in the kitchen for real, but why couldn’t Nengi have inherited that trait? Had to wait ‘til 10pm that day ‘til her friend showed up with some takeaway. Caught a cab home immediately after.

Yeah, yeah, FINALLY got meself a cab driver that’s agreed to show up at mine by 6.30am. Is he any good? Dunno. Someone hooked me up on Friday (14th July) and ‘cos I’m obsessive-compulsive like that I decided it’s best for us to embark on our cabbie-client relationship at the start of next month. Boy, was I wrong. Woke up late on Monday to find that it was raining like some bloke called Noah had just finished building a boat. Was so intense an umbrella alone wasn’t gonna suffice. Had to put on a raincoat – club gives u one on date of resumption – that was 2 sizes too large. Last time I wore a raincoat was probably in primary school. As if those memories weren’t bad enuff I discovered to my horror that the color of the raincoat is bright yellow. Yellow?! That was last season’s color. Besides, it doesn’t bring out my eyes, which most people say are my best features. Wink. Wink. Still got soaked as heck ‘cos couldn’t get a cab and had to ride a bike with my raincoat on. No one told me to contact the cabbie the next day. Oh yeah, in case y’all were wondering it’s poor etiquette to use an umbrella while ur commercial bike driver’s getting soaked.

It didn’t rain on Wednesday (19th July) and all seemed right with the world ‘til my mouth started hurting. Never have I felt such pain…and it came on instantaneously. Man, don’t think childbirth is half as painful as what I went thru. Ran to the club clinic and was kept waiting for at least half an hour. I kept punching the walls to take my mind off the pain. Eventually, I was directed to a doctor and he did his usual thang: prescribed some tablets. Now if y’all know me u know how much I hate tablets. I’m fine with injections, but cannot stand to swallow drugs. I gotta psyche myself for at least 30 mins before I pop in an aspirin tablet in my mouth. So just in case I become Africa’s best loved President and my rivals assassinate me by fabricating a suicide occasioned by ODing on drugs, y’all should scream blue murder…….or maybe black murder would be more appropriate.

Anyways, the doctor prescribed some drugs and after pleading with him he agrees for me to be prodded by a needle just this once. I step into the private room and a nurse – hey, anyone ever ask why most nurses have big bosoms? It’s almost like a HOOTERS franchise in that clinic – asks me to drop my pants for the injection. I may have been delirious from the pain caused by the mouth ulcer but I’da sworned the ff exchanged occurred:

Nurse: Please drop ur pants.
(Nurse then proceeds to dab the top part of my right – blistered – ass cheek with alcohol)
Nurse: Hey, what caused that blister?
Tunde: It’s a long story.
Nurse (after pulling out the injection): Maybe u’d have that blister looked at. I’d…..(she then goes on to grab my butt)
Nurse: Man, that’s the firmest butt cheek I’ve ever felt, and I’ve been doing this job for a long time. Do u work out?
Tunde (blushing): Why, thank u. Yes, I do work out.
Nurse: Are u serious? Man, the butt cheeks are real firm. If I was 25 years younger and wasn’t married…..
Tunde: Why, thank u.
Nurse: How old are u?
Tunde: 30 in October.
Nurse: U telling me u gonna be 30 in October?! Unbelievable. U have the butt cheeks of a 20 yr old. Man, I’m real impressed.
Tunde: If u impressed by that u’d see my six-pack.

At least that’s the way I remember it. Tot ziens and God bless.

PS
Spoke to a number of married men and they let me understand how serious this marriage issue really is; from now on I’ll try my best to treat it with the solemnity it deserves. Think it’s also time I stopped obsessing over women who are engaged/married. As of this moment I’m moving on and letting those in MEANINGFUL relationships be. Yes, that’s right, I have finally accepted that Angelina’s never gonna leave Brad for me now that they have a kid together. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my new love of my life………
Isha Sesay.